Sunday, February 22, 2009

On The Edge

I know I am insane. I know it all sounds so foolish and mixed up. I can't think straight half the time. I will be perfectly normal and it seems as if everything is just as it was. Then, something, a thought or word or fear will bring everything back.

Paying bills was hell. I kept going over how hard we had it for the last year because Jerry couldn't keep track of things and we kept getting overdrawn. I remembered at the first part of January I told him everything was going to be fine because he had finally let me have total control of the assets and we actually had a little money ahead for the first time in a year. He looked so relieved and almost happy. We talked about what we could do by the end of summer. Where we'd go. For the first time in two years we both felt hopeful and as if we had something to look forward to. How very stupid we were.

Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick;". I understand the depth of Jerry's despair. So much hope lost until his heart was too sick to bear it.. Today, I watched as all we'd hoped for slid down into the chasm at my feet.

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