Lost in the Fog

I've been paying the bills that are due and trying to figure out how I am going to manage to keep things going on half the income. I have no idea really. I've spent the day freaking out over it.

I called and cancelled the cable but have kept the internet and phone. I could cancel unlimited long distance but that will isolate me because I have no family here. I could cancel the internet but that too would further isolate me since I have some family on here and my internet contacts. I am not sure what to do there. I may have to look for a cheaper alternative but it will limit what I can do on here if I have to find a cheaper service.

For a long time we didn't have long distance but used a phone card we bought at Wal-mart or Sam's Club. We rarely ever used it up. But we had each other to talk to and the boys so we only called a few people. Those days are gone. Mike calls me several times a day because he is afraid for me. He just came over because he couldn't get me on the phone. I was on the phone with someone else and couldn't answer. He was terrified. My aunt and uncle are calling all the time as is my sister in Florida and one of my brothers. And I need the phone for local calls and if I needed help. I have to keep the phone.

My car is going to be the biggest problem and I know once the insurance comes through I can do something to fix that but I don't know how long it will take. I could refinance the house but as it is now, it will be paid off about the time I am retired and I can't see still having house payment debt hanging over my head at 62.

Let's just face it. If my job goes, everything goes now. So, it is rather pointless to even wonder what is going to happen since I do have an income. My necessities are all I am looking at but there won't be house repairs that were planned for the summer, or any other time.

I am going to ask the doctors to re-evaluate my medicines since my insurance is going up in June and I don't see continuing to pay nearly $200 a month in co-pays for medicine. The only things I will need for survival are the diabetic medicine and BP meds. The rest will just have to go. I will take something over the counter for the RA pain and deal with it. I have until June to get that worked out. That's when the insurance will go up.

I am going to probably cut my retirement deductions. I have a voluntary portion that I can cut that will give me about $50 more a month. That will pay the water bill I think.

I'm only thinking out loud here. I don't have a clue but this is the realities of death. The living have to figure out how to survive. My advice is you better start counting cost now.

I know that Jerry really believed I'd still get his disability check, despite my arguing with him that I would not. He never really believed It. Someone told him I would. I did the research through the VA and told him that was not true. He didn't believe me. I don't think he worried about me for that reason. Maybe that was why he didn't really take care of his own needs. Maybe he thought I'd be better off without him.

I have a job so that's a plus. It is a good job and as long as I have it I'll be able to live. I guess. I can keep the roof over my head, even if the walls fall off at some point. I can keep utilities on if I scrimp on them a bit. Dryer will be gone by the spring.. Clothesline will be up. I may or may not be able to keep my car but I have to try and keep it. No more cell minutes even if it is pay as you go. By the time I pay all the debts I have to pay I might be able to buy some groceries and gas for the car. No long trips either.

I just don't know what is going to happen. I've never been in such a dismal place except when Jerry and I both got out of work. But that was so long ago and we still had his disability to pay basics until we got on our feet.

I don't want to think anymore. I'm tired.