Monday, February 9, 2009

Back to Work

I went back to work to day to be greeted with mounds of paperwork. It was depressing and almost overwhelming. I had to leave early to meet with the Social Security Administration regarding a death benefit they pay toward burial cost. It is small but every dollar helps.

I'm just getting ready for bed. My aunt, uncle and sister, Roselynn are all still here. They have all caught that awful cold I had. I had a relapse after Jerry died and had to get antibiotics. Tonight they all are taking antibiotics.

Everyone has been very kind and my family had just been wonderful. My brothers have been calling nearly every day and though I have missed their calls at times, I am so touched that they have shown their concern. During the worst days of my life, they surrounded me and that was the greatest blessing to me. They are not all living for God but they are such wonderful brothers and sisters. I love them all so much.

I am . . . moving forward. I can't say improving. I can't say coping. I don't think either word conveys what I feel. I am in a fog moving forward, hands extended and praying that somewhere ahead is something solid that will give me stability. There are moments that I wish I could reach out and there he would be. I'd grab his hand and cling for life. But I feel him moving farther away each day. I can't describe this. There is a growing void, a hollowness. I say sometimes, "Jerry, please come home." He can't, of course, but I want him to come home.

At 9:30 p.m. last night no one had to tell me what time it was. I asked my sister, "It's 9:30, isn't it?" She nodded. I said, "I thought so." It was time to pick him up from work.

Everyone says the same things to me. I understand but they are so meaningless. It will get better. You'll feel better. But I feel as if I am simply moving through that fog.

I'm really tired tonight and I am going to go to bed. I have been unable to get some of the images out of my head and sleep has not been good some nights. I am certified in CPR and first aid but I have to tell you that never, ever, ever, ever will I administer CPR again. I am required to be certified at my job but I will never use it again. It was the most terrible experience I've ever had and I am unable to shut out the memories of that night.

Pray for me. I know that God is with me. I know he cares. I know he is watching over me. I just can't move another step because I don't know what direction to move in.


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