Monday, February 23, 2009

Counting Days

I wonder when I will stop counting days. Every time I see a date I find myself saying things like "That was five days before Jerry died" or "that was ten days before Jerry died" or That was thirty days before Jerry died". I have never been so good a math as I am now. I look at posts that I wrote in the days before and I know exactly how many days it was done before Jerry died, how many days since Jerry died. The 29th of January has suddenly become some bizarre pivotal point in my life and every thing I see, say, and do revolves around that date. I automatically calculate where the event lies in reference to the 29.

I also find I can't bear to look at the number 29! It is crazy. I know it i crazy.

I am spending my second night in a vacant house. I am constantly amazed at how empty the house feels. It never felt so before. Dave, Becca, Sarah and Mike were here tonight for supper. Once they were all gone, I felt the breath leave the house and the silence set in. I have been watching a video but it doesn't matter. No sound seems to be able to break this deafening silence that hovers over the place. Even now, as I write, there is a stillness and quiet that is unusual.

I love quiet and have always hated constantly running televisions and radios or stereos. But this silence is unaffected by such things. My cable was disconnected today and it was very strange to feel as if I should turn on the television since I didn't have that feeling when it was connected. Now, I feel it necessary to have sound.

So many odd things happening.

We are noticing that Sarah has become fearful for some reason. She stops and looks as if she is seeing something and then gets very frightened. She's doing this at home and here. Of course, I'm keeping a lot of lights off in rooms we are not in but it is unlike her to experience any kind of fear here in the house. She is two and a half so it could be the terrible twos and a growing awareness of fear that is common to all children.

We also think she may be experiencing some grief and doesn't know how to express it. She knows he is gone. However, this apparent "seeing" things is not unusual for her. When she was less than a year old we watch her once stare at a door and giggle and laugh for nearly half an hour. We couldn't figure out what she was laughing at since it was a closed door and there was nothing there and she was only an infant. So, we always wondered if Sarah could see angels. I don't know that she is seeing anything at this point but I don't know much about such things. I've told her mother to have her prayed for in the event that she is experiencing some distress over all that has happened and it is manifesting as fear. Sarah was in the house the night Jerry died and did witness all the terrible emotional trauma. She had to be affected by it. Pray for her.

It is late again. I must go to bed.

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