Thursday, February 19, 2009

Day 23

Another day ends. I took my meds when I got home and I am suitably numb to most things. I still feel but the panic attacks have abated and now it is just a hollow shell that remains.

The house is deathly quiet. I hear all the clocks ticking. There are two, one in my living room and one in my personal bathroom. I never noticed them before. This afternoon I had to take the battery out of Jerry's clock. It drove me crazy when he was alive. It taunts me now.

I also had to change the sound machine setting. Jerry and I always turned it on to ocean sounds at night to fall asleep to. I am now listening to rain. How stupid is that? I love the ocean sound but can't bear to listen to it. The thought of it brings back unbearable images.

I saw the counselor at 3 and ran over 15 minutes. Bet that cost a bundle. Mostly background information on me. Who I was, where I came from, who my family was, my education. How dysfunctional my family was and is. LOL, I always find that rather interesting to relate. People have such funny expressions when you shock them. Have I ever been depressed, in counseling, etc. Yes.

We discovered we had two mutual friends who were my teachers. And like every person who has ever gotten to know the real me says, he made the comment I believe I've come to consider an insult. "You're a survivor," he said. I told him I was tired of it because it was hard work. He agreed it was. I go back next Friday to see how I am faring and how the meds are working. Call if I feel crazy or something like that.

My sister left a pot of vegetable soup on the stove and I had a bowl when I got home. I watched television and fell asleep for about an hour. I have spent the last hour working on a puzzle that my uncle and I started before I went to Atlanta. Now, I think there is a piece missing. It worried me for some reason. It's a new puzzle but Mike had bought a sofa this week and put it in the den until he could get it to his place. He moved the table over with the puzzle on it. Today he moved the sofa out mussed the puzzle when he moved the table. So, I think the piece is lost as a result of that. I found one piece on a chair. I searched three times for the other piece and can't find it. So, I may not finish the thing.

I put away dishes my sister washed, talked to a fella from the funeral home who wanted to talk to me about pre-planning my own funeral. That's a bit unreal since I don't even have the insurance settled yet. But logic says it is the right thing to consider, in light of recent events.

Huh, logic. I suppose it returns eventually.

I just spent the last 45 minutes talking to Becca and Sarah.

Now, I'm going to get ready for bed. The day is finally over.

I don't know about tomorrow.

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