Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A Personal Note

I wanted to come in before I conk out and say with as much lucidity as I have had for several weeks now that you are all a lifeline. Your emails, PM's, and comments are a sort of anchor to sanity and hope. I love you all for that. Do not give up on me, please. I really need you all. If I am not here from time to time, it is not because I don't want to be but because I simply can't find the words. And if I have not read all your posts, it is just because I find myself reading the same words over and over and not understanding them. I'm sorry. I always enjoy your blogs and this is hard for me. I feel disloyal to people who have become so special to me.

I went to the doctor today and asked them to give me a stronger medicine that would still allow me to work. They have given me Xanax and I am to try and see how it works. I fell apart on the way home... again. His suffering, I just keep remembering it and it is agony that I didn't, couldn't help him with it. My husband was suffering so much and I seemed to have missed it. I was so unfeeling but he never said, "I'm in pain. I'm not happy. I need help." When I remember, I want to die. As I drove home I could only cry and pray. I know God would not torment me in this way but my guilt is so overwhelming. Why did I stay so angry with him? Why did I not see what was happening? Why would he not tell me, confide in me? Did he think I didn't care?

Of course, Mike was waiting, as usual, to put his arms around me and just say, "It will be all right, Mom." For those who do not know my oldest son personally, we share a long history of heartache that I do not often share for his sake. Mike was born with learning disabilities, is deaf in one ear, and has some other problems. I believe he is an undiagnosed manic depressive. Our life together has been filled with wounds, struggle, rejection and great difficult with the world around him. He is often not understood or liked by most people he meets. But he is the most faithful and loyal son one could ever wish for. I always know Mike will be there when I am in trouble. He went and got the new med and I took it. And he has stayed here with me. He will go home at ten when his show goes off. Just having him in the house is enough comfort. Pray for my Mike. He struggles with daily living, selling blood to pay for his bills. But he never ask me for a single thing. My sister will stay with me when she gets off.

I'm tired now and will be going to bed, I think, when I finish this post. Something I couldn't do with the Ativan I was taking. It helped my sleep but I couldn't shut off my mind. I think the Xanax is helping a bit better tonight.

I am also scheduled to see a counselor on Thursday afternoon. They feel I will benefit from it and well, I just looked at the nurse practitioner and said, "Just tell me what to do." Not my usual mindset at all. Those of you who do know me, know that no one ever tells me what to do. Jerry knew that, too. I always know what to do. But I don't now. I've never been in this place.

When I got back to work after the doctor's appt, my wonderful boss, only a three years older than my son, talked with me. He felt I came back to work too soon but I told him I had no choice because of the money. He said he understood and wants to work out a work schedule that will give me some extra time to recover. If I need to take a two hour lunch I need only to let him know. He wants me to take a four day work week for a few weeks. I again pointed out I needed the money and it wasn't fair to him to allow my own work to fall behind. He said, "Don't worry about that. I'm going to pay you to be off. Besides, I know you won't take advantage of this. I know you'll work to make it up when you can."

If you read my past posts about my old boss you all know how this touched me. I remember praying that God would send me a good boss. I have to say I think he did. Pray for him because I would feel terrible if his kindness caused him any problem. I plan to bring work home to do this Friday. I think it would be good for me to be away from the office and have something to occupy my time. But he could get in serious trouble for paying me. When I mentioned this, he smiled and said, "I'm not worried about it."

To my new friend blicktx, thank you for your personal messages. They have been comforting and encouraging. Jilly was right, you are a great lady and I am glad to have met you.

I've some added others too during this time and you too have been a comfort. For those who have just popped in to be an encouragement, thank you for you kindness. I will eventually get by your sites to thank you properly.

This post sounds almost normal to me and I can't imagine where it is coming from except this med had relieved some of the anxiety, as it is meant to do. Part of me wants that and another part feels I should be suffering. My only concern is that I won't be able to get off this in a reasonable time. Again, those who know me know I am very anti-medication, particularly mood altering medications. For once, I think I'll forget that.

I"ll say good night now. And thank you all. I don't know when I'll be this sane again but I will post again soon.

Say I love you to those you love before you fall asleep tonight. Call them, long distance if you must. Look in their faces if possible and search below the surface. If you wake up in the night, kiss those close to you. You may never get another chance. Never assume everything is all right.

I forgot the one rule my grandmother taught me. Never let the sun go down on your wrath. Never go to bed angry. Never forget to say I love you before you sleep.

Will he ever forgive me? Will he know how very much I loved him? Will he ever know that I would have done anything to save him if he had only talked to me?

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