Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Night In An Empty House

It was three in the morning before I got to sleep after I went to bed last night. I don't know if that will happen tonight. I think part of the reason was I took my meds when I got home and went to sleep on the couch for about two hours. It happened again tonight.And it was worse because I was exhausted. Mike was here and tried to get me to go to bed but I was so sleepy I couldn't move. I finally got up when he left and have sat here watching a show on HULU.

I am tired but I am concerned I won't be able to get to sleep again. I see the counselor Friday and I will discuss the sleep problem then. I had a bad day today and if I don't get enough sleep, I may have a worse one tomorrow.

When I got home today I sat and cried for half an hour. Too many questions, regrets, anguish. Such anguish for all that is lost. It is just so empty here. I miss my family. Mike comes over and stays a few hours but MIke and I don't really talk. We are just together most of that time. He is in his own world and that is usually on the phone. It I had cable he would have sat down and watched his shows but I shut that off. We don't do things together. Although Saturday he wants me to go to the store with him to buy groceries. Dave and Becca and Sarah would come over if I asked but I find that my sweet Sarah is too much after a while. I get so tired and the noise begins to get to me. I don't understand that. I adore her and she is such a joy.

When I was at my aunt's I spent time doing things with them and putting a puzzle together with my uncle, watching television. I have a puzzle on the table now but I can't do it. The house is so empty. I feel like I am in a barn rambling around looking for someone.

How long does this last? What am I supposed to do? I can't really write, read, watch television... well, I've been watching videos that I fall asleep during, I can't listen to music, I can't think. I don't know what to do. I feel like running somewhere but there is no where to go.

This evening when I got home, I remembered when Mama died. I was 17 and Jerry and I had just started dating. I met him on November 27, 1973. She died January 2, 1974. I married Jerry on January 11, 1974. Yes, crazy. But it lasted 35 years. Well, we worked hard at it. But I remembered how he was there to pick up the pieces that my life had suddenly been shattered into. He helped me piece them together into a new life and although I suffered such heartache from her loss, he was always there to protect me and give me some sanity. Eventually, I was able to find my own path... but not alone. I don't like being alone in this sense. I like my personal time but Jerry was always in the next room or across the room. I had my own interest but he was always watching and smiling if I looked at him. He moved around and played the television too loud.

This. . . hollowness . . . void . . . this is unbearable. This directionless rambling is frightening. The lack of purpose is . . . is like death itself. I'm buried in a box in the ground.

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