The Serpentine Road

I was sitting here in my library paying my bills, sorting through the huge mass of paperwork that seems to accumulate here. Sarah likes it when I call the study the library which, in fact, is just another bedroom.

I despise paying bills. Not because I don't have the money to pay them. God has blessed me with enough funds to pay the people I owe and still have a few dollars left to eat on. I'm truly thankful for that blessing. But I hate money in general and I hate shuffling it around.

During my attempt to sort it all out and clear off the desk, I ran across photos of people I love and people who love me. That's a nice thing to find after you've been handling bills. Their faces smile up at me and I feel lighter. But homesick. I ran across photos from the luncheon the church gave after the funeral and I am surrounded by my brothers and sisters and children and aunt and uncle. But Jerry isn't there. They are beautiful photos of everything in my life that is important save one. So, sadness follows.

Sadness is a constant companion but one who doesn't nag me to cheer up, get over it, etc. I can function with sadness. The Ativan has helped with the impending doom feeling that had begun to follow me after every simple life event, every shock, every frustration. I haven't taken St. John's Wort in nearly two weeks and don't feel the need. So, not depression... anxiety = constant stress of simply living.

Throughout the last two years I've been learning how to tread water. It gets very tiring at times but one keeps doing it because to stop means to drown. Life under normal conditions is trying. I do not live under normal conditions.

I think that most of the time life feels like a serpentine road that is filled with more twist and turns than you could ever imagine when you start the journey. At twelve I dreamed of a home and family and children and for a little while I had what I dreamed of and I think we were happy. I did not dream of this day. I started the journey along that road with a chimera.

The dream became a nightmare. I tried to wake him from a nightmare that night. Instead of waking him, I was pulled into it. I've never shared a nightmare before. I never want to again.

The road ended at a cliff and I fell off into a vast ocean and had to learn to swim. I hope that the beach I find myself on is not a desert island and that there is a bridge to the mainland that will connect me with something other than the nightmare.

I'm not dreaming anymore. I am not looking forward. I'm trying not to look back. I am simply looking at the moment I am in and hoping that around the next curve the road will not fall away and drop me into another ocean.

Here Comes the Sun

For Cheryl... they say it is always there somewhere.

From on of my favorite Beatles

The Payout

I just got a call from Matt @ GEICO and they will pay all my car off
but my $500 deductible. So, I'll break even I think... well, not
exactly. I have to pay the $500 AND then find a way to buy another
car. I have about twice my deductible in savings. I was saving that
for a plane ticket. I should get my deductible back from the other
insurance company but they said it could take months.

So, now I'm rethinking how to take my trip. I AM GOING TO DO THIS! I
may have to take it later in the year, possible as late as fall. I'm a
bit disappointed but I'm not giving up my plans entirely. First I plan
to get a vehicle with a lower payment, as low as possible. I'd like to
pay half of what I'm paying now. I would then have money to put aside
for the trip. By my calculations by the middle or late summer I'd have
the money for the ticket. In addition, a cheaper car payment! So, that
is one scenario

I'm praying for a really good car deal. Everyone of you pray for me in
this and if you don't pray, well, do whatever you do! By next weekend
I hope to be on my way to finding a new vehicle. I did like my little
Ford Focus.

The hooker party last night was a success. At least I had a good time.
Kathy and Cassie did very well. Kathy caught on fast but she knew how
to chain pretty well. Cassie had more difficulty but by the end of the
evening I could see a great improvement. Loraine is a better teacher
than I am. I'm a lefty and teaching a righty to crochet seems to be a
bit confusing. For me, it is like looking in a mirror but apparently
rightys can't do that.

Food was good and we spent a lot of time laughing. These girls are
very funny. Doug heard and said next time he might join us but he'd
bring a different craft.

I do not know why I am so very exhausted when I get home. I am
wondering if it is my BP med. I take this med in the morning too but
don't recall feeling that tired. It is an unreal exhaustion. I don't
take my Ativan until 9 p.m. so I know it isn't that.

I have to get to work. I've been back and forth to this post for over
an hour. They are testing the fire alarms here now and it is very
annoying! One of them is right outside my door. I keep jumping every
few minutes when it sounds.

Sorry I've been erratic in posting lately but I've been too tired at
night to bother with anything. I hope to catch you all later.

Unphotographable: Burqa Discount Bin Conditioner

Link
Very cool site. Lots of ideas here.

A Small Experiment

This is Thursday. You all know I got a new medication, Ativan, on my
last doctor's visit. I started taking it over the weekend. It stopped
the anxiety I was feeling. I only take it at night, despite his
prescribing it twice a day. I have to work and it won't allow me to do
that. However, I did not take it on Monday night. I had to see, of
course, if and how well it was working. One looses one's perspective
when you are this far on the bottom. There are no windows in a well,
just a skylight. So, I elected to not take it .

I was fine on Tuesday and even Tuesday night. I was a little stressed
because the news of Jerry's cousin's husband dying but I was aware it
upset me talking to her. Had it been anyone else I might have fared a
little bit better but there is an emotional component with Deirdre
because I've always loved her and I felt her pain so badly. She had
such a rotten childhood and was pregnant at 16. She later found a man
who was good to her and they have a son, too. But she has terrible
health now. Her husband sat down on the bed and simply fell over dead.
He'd complained of chest pain for two days! {sigh} I don't know. Men.
She has no money except disability, no home, no place to go. Her son
is in the military. Their son is at home with her. It can be much
worse ladies than I have it. I did not ask her about funeral expenses
or anything else.

Wednesday I was o.k. but feeling a bit pressured in the afternoon. Not
unduly I didn't think. But when I got home, I didn't feel well and I
wandered around. Sarah came over for about two hours. While I enjoyed
seeing her I still felt bad and when she left I was barely able to
move. For days I've found myself absolutely exhausted to the point I
could hardly walk by eight p.m. I mean falling over, unable to keep my
eyes open and head up exhaustion. I have been so tired it was
frightening. Last night I sat on the edge of my bed and contemplated
that pill. AI was concerned at how tied I was. I did not want to take
it but I was at a point I knew it was going to be a bad night. I
finally took it and turned out the light. I had to call Becca and have
her talk to me for about half an hour so my mind would stop circling.
I think I went to sleep as soon as she hung up.

They also changed my blood pressure dosage. I'm taking an extra pill
when I get home. Then, my regular dose a 9 p.m. My bp at 10 p.m. last
night was 118 over 77! I haven't been that low in decades. This
morning it was 128 over 88. Again, almost normal but low for me.

So, now wondering if the exhaustion is the increased BP meds. If so,
I'm not sure how to handle that. It doesn't do that to me in the
morning so I'm thinking not. Anyway, I'm recording these events so
I'll have a record for the doctor.

I feel fine this morning, a bit tired but fine. I could take a nap if
offered one.

The insurance adjuster called me yesterday. He said he'll see the car
in 3 to 5 days and get back with me as soon as possible. Geico is "da
bomb". They have been super nice and on top of this from the
beginning. I am duly impressed and I don't impress easily. Everyone,
every call they are courteous and answer questions without acting like
they are doing you a favor.

Now, back to the mines. I'd like to have a clean desk by 5 p.m. ....
if I don't fall asleep.

Accident Report

I got the accident report this morning and spoke with the other
insurance. I've faxed it to both companies. If I don't hear something
by noon, I'm probably going to tell my company to go ahead. I need a
car. My company was willing to go ahead and pay even without the
report. But I really feel her company should pay out.

Anyway, maybe by Thursday I will know if they total the car.

Oh... The other driver was at fault. She admitted it to the officer!
Well, she is only 23.

Back Into the Breach....Whatever

I'm waiting for my ride to work. I still have not heard from the other insurance. If I don't hear today the I will have to go through my insurance and pay whatever deductibles I can scrape up. I will have to hope that my insurance can recover the funds from the other insurance. I will have to pay for the trip to the er for Mike.

I will once again wipe put my savings,Story of my life.

Well, I might have a rental car by Thursday at any rate.

Sun is shining brightly today. At least, for now. I don't know for how long.It says it is 28 degrees out there. Actually, it looks cold from the windows.

It is now 7:20 and I've been waiting for Dave for over 10 minutes. That's the thing about Dave. He drags around. I will have a car by Thursday. My co-worker called five minutes and offered to pick me up but I paid Dave to do it and I need him to get the police report for me. I don't want to miss any more work and he knows where to go.

I'm off now to get my gear together and stand at the door.

A Sunday Wreck

The whole day pretty much was a wreck. If you have seen the album you know my car was involved in an accident today. I asked Mike to go and get some groceries for me because I was not feeling well. My hands and knees were hurting and I simply didn't think I could walk the concrete floors at Wal-mart. I should not have sent him out. Or at the least, I should not have delayed him. I held him up about 15 minutes.

Anyway, the other driver in the opposite lane turned in front of him and he hit her. My car is far worse than her's. My insurance will pay but I'm going to try and have her's pay. I have GAP insurance as well and I hope it will pay. I need to go find all the paperwork for the car. I know it is here somewhere.

Tomorrow I have to go to the body shop and see if they total the car. Honestly, I hope so because the damage is extensive. I don't see how repairing it will insure it runs right. The frame is shoved into the radiator and that alone concerns me. A new radiator, new side panels, new hood, new front end.

I'm upset because I just spent a fortune on tires less than a year ago. I bought a new battery just before that. I won't recover those items. Another car... I don't know if I can afford a newer car now. Before, well, I don't know.

I am gong to bed I think. I am tired and simply want to lie down. I did remember to eat this afternoon. I hope everyone had a better day than I did.

Writers' Asylum Therapy

The meeting went well tonight and we had a great time, I think. Kathy was up for critique with five pages from her next Tansy Taylor novel. Kathy's psychic PI is very entertaining. Everyone gave her their impressions and hopefully it will give her some fuel to keep her going.

We had decided on 5 pages but it seems it isn't really enough for a good critique so we've raised the bar and Doug is on for the next meeting in two weeks with a 10 page target. He doesn't think he'll reach that will take a shot. I am after him. He's working already on his and I have NO idea.

Kathy asked me to teach her to crochet and so next Thursday will be the Asylum Crochet Circle meeting. I will attempt to give Kathy and Cassie lessons in crochet with, I hope, Loraine as a back up... she already knows how.. I wonder if she's better than me. I might learn some things, too!

We had muffins from Donut Bank and Kathy brought cookies.

Cassie shared some things she had learned from a workshop she attended. And we spent time just talking about some random issues.. my hear fall from a mountain, Kathy's customer stranded at the poultry farm, Cassie's BFF story she submitted to class, Loraine's continued search for the perfect house. You all know, the usual stuff. After my last two weeks it was the sanest I've been.

Now off to bed. Tomorrow is Friday and I hope the day will be a good one. At least tonight was relaxing and I have next Thursday to look forward to.

One problem is the pain in my hand is much worse today. My left index, well, actually, the knuckle joint where the finger goes into the hand on the palm side. I can't stand to touch it. And my left elbow is still giving me a lot of trouble. I can't put my elbow down on anything. Feels as if a hammer hit them both.

It has rained all day and night so far. I expect it to rain tomorrow, too. I don't really mind the rain except for the impact it has on my body. Might as well drop a lead block on me.

I'm on my way to bed now. At least it was a nice end to a long week. I hope the weekend turns a bit warmer.

Do You Know What Day It Is?

Thursday! Writer's Meeting tonight at 6:30. I am so glad. I don't
remember wanting to have any meeting as bad as I do this one tonight.
It has been such a stressful couple of weeks. I will be with friends
and we'll have a nice long chat and I can forget the negatives for a
while.

I went to the doctor today. He is increasing one of my BP meds. He is
putting me on ativan for six weeks. I took this when Jerry died. It
was very good medicine for the time. I do not know how it will help
now. He said it wasn't addictive. The website says "habit forming".
Isn't that addictive? Someone told me it was back then, I want to say
the counselor. They put me on Xanax after that and I only took it
about two months. I do not anticipate taking it often or for an
extended period. Why, if I feel better do I need to take it.

I am to taper off the hormone patch. He wanted me to switch to pills
but I don't like taking one more pill that may upset my stomach. So,
I'll keep tapering... expect mood swings... maybe that's what's been
happening. Decrease in hormones can cause depression. He thinks they
may be what caused to problem with my breast. Well, lets face it, they
keep the breast fairly dense... firm.. youthful? LOL, whatever, I
don't have a beard or baritone yet.

At any rate, the BP is a priority right now. It concerns me more than anything.

Ok, I'm going now and try and work. I have several things that need to
be done before I leave. I got her at 7:30 this morning and will have
to in the morning as well. Won't have to count that doctor's appt that
way. It was a short appt. I will let you know how the meeting goes
later.

Lazy Day

I did not go to work today. I had to do blood work this morning at the hospital for my Thursday doctor appointment. I woke with a back ache and simply felt I could not face work today. I came home and lay on my sofa, on my back with my electric throw over me all morning until lunch. After I ate lunch, I went back and sat with my throw. I read all day and did nothing else.

I did finish Sarah's sweater late, around 4:30 or 5, just cleaning up the loose ends. Dave, Becca and Sarah came over around 6:30 and Sarah tried it on. It fit perfectly! Really. It fit with no sags, bags, or wrinkles - as if it was made for her. I was amazed. I did not do sleeves. I'll try that on the next go around. But she happened to have white, long-sleeved, turtle neck pull-over on and we put the sweater on her and it was absolutely perfect. I could have done sleeves but I didn't want to waste the time if it didn't fit. Becca decided to take it sans sleeves. Now, I can do another one and try some different things. I'm so pleased about it.

I am having a difficult time at the moment. It seems as if my life is in turmoil.. even though in retrospect, it is rather calm. I am feeling pressure from somewhere virtually all the time. I think I'm simply burned out in some areas. I can't fix those areas so it simply builds. I don't want to leave my house, frankly. I just want to stay home and do the things I love doing. I've started crochet again, I want to sew again, I'd like to write more - even though that is coming hard. I don't want to deal with crazy people anymore.

What I really feel is as if something is about to happen and I'm waiting for it. That's what it feels like. I've been here before. I don't like it when this feeling comes. I'd just as soon be surprised as everyone else when it does.

I'm going to get my shower, take my meds, watch my show, and then go to bed. Sleep is the only place I seem to find some peace. I pray for it every night. It seems to be the one prayer I get immediate results on. Thank God.

Sunday Night Wrap-Up

I am not alone. Sarah and I went to church and she asked to come home
with me. I have to take her home tomorrow by noon so I can keep my
appointment. She's playing now while I am messing around online. She
has cooked for the puppies and played with Play-doh. We'll go to bed
soon. I'm tired but want to stay up and do something.

I worked on the sweater all afternoon. I now have the sides joined and
am ready to try and put the collar on. I tell you, each piece I do is
a bit of a challenge. I've never done one before and I'm sort of
guessing as I go. The instructions are good to start and give you some
guidance as you go but it is very superficial. It isn't, after all, a
pattern. I chose to skip some advice and work some things differently
because of that pretty collar I made. LOL, I'm learning the basics.
When I want to do a fancy one, I'll go back and do the math. I've used
a t-shirt as my pattern to determine rough size.

The day was very nice. I sat on the porch for about an hour and
finally came in. I decided I need to get a glider rather than the
table. I need a place to read. It is too hard to read the computer
screen. I'm going to order my Kindle this week, I think. I really
think I'll like having a smaller, lighter "book" to read. My neck and
shoulders get very sore sometimes holding books and things. I so miss
being able to read in bed. I loved it.

O.k. enough of this. I am just sleepy. I'm going to tackle HRH and see
if I can cajole her to go to bed. If not, Daddy will be called to come
get her.

A Gray Sunday Morning

Absolutely gray with a light wind. I am ready for church and thought
I'd look at my mail and they decided to update the blogs. Problem is
there are no events to relate. I went to bed last night exhausted and
had not trouble going right to sleep. The previous terrible week has
taken it out of me and I'm still recovering. Tomorrow will be
stressful as well because I have some medial appointments.

I am off tomorrow, too and am hoping that I can get more than
appointment done. I hate blood work but if I go early that won't take
long. I have a mammogram in the afternoon. That is unknown. So, could
be a couple of hours. Last time was and in the end they had to do an
MRI. I elected this time to go to the hospital breast center rather
than my clinic center. They took four x-rays and an ultrasound
because there was "something they couldn't make out". Scared me to
death. After the ultra sound I was scheduled to come back in 6 months.
Next day they called and said, "We think you should get an MRI." I
was so upset! The MRI cleared me but it did not spare me an emotional
trauma. So, I won't use that clinic again.

I'm on my way out now. Mike is ready and I have my sister to pick up
today. I'll probably be around this afternoon but not sure. I am
trying to get that sweater finished so I can start something else. I
found a beautiful shrug pattern I want to try. Probably a much quicker
project than a patternless sweater.

Late Night with Dixie

My day did not turn out as I'd planned. I had to take Mike lunch and after that, I went to lunch with Dave, Becca and Sarah. We all came back to my house. I've don't nothing but watch movies. I'm going to bed soon so I can get up for church tomorrow. I am really tired tonight and hope I can relax tomorrow afternoon.

I bought a small portable computer table for the laptop. I thought it would help me have less neck and shoulder pain. I don't know yet. I had to put the thing together myself and that took the better part of a couple of hours after noon before I met my kids for lunch. Painful sitting on the floor. Knees, hips, leg, neck and shoulders did not like the arrangement. Still I got it done. I'll have to take a photo. It is a cheap little gadget but the frame is fairly sturdy. So, if the top wears out I can put a better top on the stand.

I'm going to bed. Right now. I'm suddenly very tired.

Eating Healthy

My supper tonight consisted of a protein, a grain, and fruit.

A peanut butter and plum jelly sandwich. With a glass of milk.

Isn't that healthy?

Shifting Sands

I can remember walking dunes somewhere once, not sure where or when -- maybe I dreamt it. I was probably small and the dune probably wasn't very big in relation to that. Seems like a mountain in my memory. But I can remember the sand sliding from beneath my feet as I attempted to climb up to the top of this mound. It was difficult. You go forward a step and slid back two. As a child you keep trying because achieving the top is exciting and fulfilling. You laugh and struggle and claw and climb until you stand atop the mound and throw both hands in the air and if you have companions, you all cheer. If not, you cheer alone. Because you made it.

I can remember the mountains of S. Germany, Bavaria. So beautiful. Easier in some ways to climb than the dunes of childhood. The next day my legs screamed in agony because of my efforts to see a castle at the top of the mountain and the walk down through beautiful woodlands flooded with sunshine. The memory of nearly falling off a cliff still clings to me. I remember the water flowing from a wooden pipe. I had a metal collapsible cup and I held it under the flow and before it ever reached my lips condensation had covered the cup. It was icy cold and delicious. The reward for reaching the top. I drank it standing looking out over the valley. I sighed.

Other mountains? A miscarriage. A child born with disabilities. A near miss divorce. Lost jobs resulting in financial disasters. A husband no longer able to keep a job. A husband dying before your eyes. Pain that never stops. Children that do not prosper. Personal failures that seem never ending. Fear of going to sleep. Fear of going to work. Fear of the next disaster that hasn't even happened.

Sand slipping from beneath my feet, unstoppable. I'm too tired to climb anymore. Reaching the top is not an option. Staying on my feet would be a victory.

Where is my faith you ask? I do not know. I am listening but the noise from it all is overwhelming. I'm ashamed that I've failed.

I long for simple sand dunes with shifting sands to conquer.

Rubber Band Rule

Wednesday at last. I did not believe I'd arrive. Not in one piece. Not sane. I went to bed around 10 and watched a movie there. I don't remember what it was.. oh, Castle. It was Castle.

I'm alone again for lunch today. I could call Mike but sometimes Mike isn't helpful in the company department. I adore him but today it wouldn't be a good idea. Maybe it is better if I just go home for a while.

I have to go to the doctor and I have to have a mammogram. There is a problem. Maybe not a big problem but I have to have it checked. I don't know.

There is a rule, maybe I made it up, called the Rubber Band Rule. You can stretch a rubber band a lot and a long way. But there is a limit to it's flexibility and stability. We're all subject to this rule. It is the point beyond which no one should have to go. I'm there. I'm stretched as far as I can go. I do not feel that I can bounce back, bend, or remain in one piece. I've already begun to fracture physically. Mentally, I"m not sure where I am but it doesn't seem like a good place. Emotionally I'm pretty much broken. I can't bounce back.

This has taken all day to write. I do have to work in between.

I emailed Doug about 10:30 and asked if he could free for lunch because I was bored. He said he had already eaten but wanted to get out of the office. So we met at Penn Station. I ate and he talked, to me, at me and about his writing and the need to find a new job. By the time I left I was not collapsing from the weight of my own problems. I felt bad using time he could have used elsewhere for his personal use. He was nice and said he had wanted to get out of the building anyway.  I don't know. I just know I needed a relatively sane person to ground me for an hour. I've managed to get through the rest of the day.

I do not know what I would have done these last two years without the friends I've made through NaNo and the writing group. I know for sure there would have been days I would not have made it. The same goes for the friends on Multiply. Some days you were all that kept me from imploding.

Another Night With No Count

Sarah just left, half asleep. I got her after work. I was exhausted but she wanted to come. I couldn't say no. We had a milkshake. Probably bad for both of us. But we did eat real food afterward. She had her ham sandwich as usual. I fixed me a burger. We read the card that came with Jilly's gift and when I told her their names she giggled and hugged them and kissed them. She is such a sweet child.

We, or rather I watched Spiderman. She played with her doll house until she grew tied and lay down on the sofa to take a nap. Slept thorough about 45 minutes of it. Then daddy came and got her.

I am going to bed. It is only 9 p.m. but this overwhelming tiredness is not to be borne. My neck and shoulders hurt anyway and my hands have been quite painful all day. I've been on the computer entering data for 8 hrs so that has not helped. Nevertheless, I'm tired. I've already taken my meds so they'll be working by now. Maybe I can sleep a full 8 hrs. That would be very lovely. Long as I don't wake up stiff with a headache I would not mind that. I'd give nearly anything to be able to sleep with out pain, to dream good dreams, and to wake up feeling as if I had my brain. I do not remember when I did that last, any of it.

Tomorrow is Wednesday and that means the downhill side of work. I am not sure I'll make it. It feels as if I'm not going to get through a day. I sometimes think my nails should be ripped and torn from trying to hang on until 5. At least, I get a three day weekend on this weekend. Monday is MLK day and we get that off. I suppose that would be a good time to clean the place up. It is really looking bad. I've no ability to think things through and it is very frustrating.

Bed. Right. Bed. Sorry. Good night.

Midday Madness

I'm home at the moment for lunch. Carolyn is out today and tomorrow and I really didn't feel like going anywhere to eat.

I've been going full tilt since I got to work. I started processing files and didn't stop for anything. I have a dozen to go and won't finish them today. But I'll do them as fast as I can without stopping. It is the only way to get them done and to not think about time passing.

My friend, Doug, dropped me a "cheer up, shape up, finish the book and quit the job" email. Loraine sent sunshine. Everyone here has sent something. I wish it were as simple as that. Life is much too complicated.

Thank you all for the water tips. My filter at home is an under the sink, connected to the waterline. I could fill a thermos but I do get cold water from a dispenser at work. They buy bottled water. I don't like the over the counter bottled waters. They taste funny to me. I drink them only when I have no other source of water. I do probably need a thermos and they sell Stanley stainless steel ones.

Mike sold plasma today and will get my car washed and cleaned out today. He's down the hall at the moment chatting up some woman.

I have to get ready to go back to work so I'm gone.

The Sun Is Not Shining

I was awakened at 7:45 by the phone. My clock had gone off but I'd hit the snooze. It was my DIL's house calling. I got up and am waiting until the train leaves for work. Well, until my car does.

I went to bed about 10 something last night. I don't remember much after that. I didn't wake in the middle of the night that I know. Hands are pretty painful today. Neck hurts and knees are mildly painful.

BP was up when I got up. I don't know. I'm supposed to be monitoring it regularly and I forget but I am going to call them today and see what I should do. The dizzy spell bothered me, particularly as it took several minutes to really clear off. I think... I think the fluid pill may be dehydrating me too much. Is that possible? I have to stop drinking sodas that's for sure but the water here is just awful. We have a water dispenser at work but I like water cold and the ice in our fridge is made with tap water... which taste awful. Remember, I have a water filter here at home so my water is much better than other locals.

Am I still depressed. I'm trying not to think about it. I'll shove myself through the day and hope I come out the other side ok. Yes, I'm taking all the same stuff.

A look out the window reveals an overcast sky and it sounds as if there is wind. I suppose it is too much to hope for sun all day today. I think the temps are supposed to reach near 60 today. A veritable heat wave in store for the states!

I'm off here for work. I must stop and find something to eat, although I'm not really hungry. I may just take a granola bar and make do with that. It's enough.

Someone send prayers.