The weather started very pretty this morning but now we have clouds and thunder with a few sprinkles tossed in the mix. My aunt and uncle are still here. They will leave tomorrow morning. By the way, I put the photo in the album of Mr. Buttons, my aunt's dog. Jilly notice it previously and I have just got around to it.
Church this morning was difficult. I don't know why it is hard. I read Riete's blog about how she also had a difficult time at church. I can't say what is causing this. I just know it is nearly unbearable. And you're supposed to feel better going to church but I don't. I feel worse.
I got my tickets paid for to go to Myrtle Beach, S. C. I am looking forward to it. My sister, Roselynn, is going to join us on that Monday. She is dropping off my nephew to the Marine base and it isn't that far from where we will be. That will be nice for her and nice to see her.
I've really got a lot of things I need to do. I was looking around and the house just needs things done. The yard is a mess, there is too much junk sitting around the house and in the garage. I have more to do than I think I can handle. I will be trying to utilize other people but it will still be a lot of work.
I hear the rain falling in earnest now. The sound on the awning is nice. I should lie down. I told my aunt the reason you are always so tired on Sunday afternoon as opposed to other days of the week is because God ordained it as a day of rest and if we don't take if voluntarily then, he'll just make us exhausted so we have to. LOL. So, I feel tired and need to lie down.
Hope your week goes well. I have a four day work week this week. I am off for Good Friday and that is a freebie = Paid holiday. Yipee. Then, I work another week and am off to Myrtle Beach.
Pray for me, folks. The depression is not getting better. I know the signs and it is very difficult. I battled this before and it is a serious problem for me. So, put me on your lists if you will. I am hoping the change in season will help me but right now, I simply want to find a cave, a nice dark one, to curl up in.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Descent
Went to the counselor. He thinks I'm worse. {shrug} I don't know. I feel pretty much the same to me. He said what I was feeling was still grief but that now I'm showing signs of depression.
I don't know.
My aunt and uncle came in and we went to my church's fellowship rally. Oddly enough one of the pastor's wives prayed for me and as she prayed she prayed for depression. . . which I just found out about myself this afternoon and had told no one except my aunt and uncle. They had not talked to anyone either.
O.k., so maybe I've been descending into depression.
I just don't know. I'm on my way to bed now. Tomorrow I'll do family stuff and maybe the sun will be brighter. The young minister titled his message The Beauty of a New Day.
That'd be nice.
I don't know.
My aunt and uncle came in and we went to my church's fellowship rally. Oddly enough one of the pastor's wives prayed for me and as she prayed she prayed for depression. . . which I just found out about myself this afternoon and had told no one except my aunt and uncle. They had not talked to anyone either.
O.k., so maybe I've been descending into depression.
I just don't know. I'm on my way to bed now. Tomorrow I'll do family stuff and maybe the sun will be brighter. The young minister titled his message The Beauty of a New Day.
That'd be nice.
DEA Agent
A bit of humor in my email from GCFL.com
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The old rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The old rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"
Friday. In the Study. Studying.
WARNING! This post can probably be called a gripe session. If you are offended or think you may be offended, leave quietly now and no one will get hurt.
I stayed home today. My stomach has been a bit cranky since yesterday. Just lots of grumbling and all that accompanies a stomach bug.
That isn't the only reason. I'm not doing well at all. I don't know what is wrong. I get upset over the least thing. I fall apart watching things for no reason. I see the counselor today at 3 and must get dressed soon.
I don't think I know why I am doing this. I am hurting so bad and I feel very frightened a lot of the time. I don't know how to fix it since I don't know what I am afraid of. I'm not afraid of my anything tangible. It is this hovering fear that simply stops me in my tracks at unsuspecting moments. I have to go to the bathroom or close my door at work. If I stop thinking for a minute it creeps up. At home, it is harder because I am idle more. I can't find ways to escape. Ultimately, I have to redirect my thinking and focus on something else. I get illogically upset if things are out of place or missing.
I sat and listened to a young preacher online last night. It was a very good message and he was a very good preacher. It was the Elevation Church. He preached about The Dip. You may know it better as the valley or the place where everything goes wrong. It was really good because I had not thought about some of the reasons that these places occur in our lives. I really found it enlightening. I can't say it made me feel better but it did remind me that it isn't always something we do or don't do that puts us in those places. I was aware of the concepts he presented and I did "know" it. I've even said as much myself but sometimes, in the crisis, someone else has to point out what is happening to you.
I still don't understand but maybe I will. Yet, I don't like this hollow feeling in my chest or the pain I get at unexpected times. I don't like feeling alone or friendless or abandoned.
I am flying to Myrtle Beach, S. C. next weekend to spend about four days with my aunt and uncle and friends of theirs, well, and mine, too, I guess. I've known them since I was about 15. They're really nice people. I know it will be fun and good for me to get away. I hate being away from my sons but since I don't really see them much I don't guess it matters.
David is working and I am so glad. I hope it goes well for him. I just wish so much he'd get his diploma. Jerry and I had such high hopes for David. He is smarter than he thinks but he doesn't seem able to even see it or try. I have no influence there. I've decided not to even bother anymore. I know he can do a lot better than a sales clerk at Sears. He is in church much more now and seems to really want to work on that more. I am happy for him. I don't think he ever really sees that he does better at everything when he is faithful. Still, they don't really care what I think and I get told so in no uncertain terms. So, I have decided to offer no further assistance there.
Mike thought he had a job but they changed their minds. He was upset. I don't know what to do to help him. I have told him if he will work on the yard this summer I will pay him instead of his having to go to the plasma bank for the next three months. He says he will but we will see. You have all seen the photos of the railroad siding so you know it is a jungle. I offered that job to David last summer when he was unemployed but he wouldn't do it. So, this year, the offer is Mike's. I don't like his selling plasma all the time and I think his arms need a rest for a few months. And Mike needs the exercise. Pray for him. He has a hard time staying focused on tasks and I will be at work when he is supposed to be working. It is hard work and will take months to do by hand.
I do think I will have him stack the logs and such and see if anyone wants firewood. A woman my sister works with said they needed firewood badly as that is how they heat their home. My sister told her that the girl's boyfriend could come and get all the firewood they wanted for nothing. They could even chop down the trees! Then girl ask her, "Is it already cut?" My sister told her they would have to cut it. Apparently, that was too much work for free firewood. Idiot. I guess she hasn't gotten cold enough yet. I was cutting firewood for our wood stove when I was 15! With an ax! Daddy bought it in logs, cut in two foot lengths. We had to split it with an ax. Usually, he was too drunk on weekends to even pick up an ax. So, I cut it. I cut it whenever I was home from school and we needed wood to heat the house. What lazy people are living today. When the boys turned down manual labor jobs I told them both they haven't gotten hungry enough yet.
You know, I think I've just decided to start charging people to give my money away. From now on, if someone wants $20 they will have to do something for me. I think it only fair since I am having to work one hour at a highly skilled job to earn about that much, they should put in the equivalent in what they would earn at a specific job. Unskilled labor here is about $7 an hour. So, it takes three hours to cut the yard, you get $21.
So, by that logic, if it takes four hours to clean a section of siding, you get $28, etc. I believe two sections can be done in a week of four hour shifts, starting early in the morning so there won't be a lot of heat build up. He can be done by lunch and I can come home from lunch to see what's been done. I bet after one day he will think selling plasma is easier....
I should make a chart of wages for each job.... Then, when someone comes to ask for money, I can hand them the wage chart and let them pick! WOW what a great idea!
I can promise you I will end up cleaning the siding and cutting the yard after two weeks. I always do. Neither boy will come and help, not for love or money. Anyone out there with sons like that? I was astounded by this character. I always helped my Mama because I loved her and couldn't stand to see her doing things that she wasn't really supposed to be doing. I came in from school once and she was trying to chop wood! I got so mad and told her she was never to do it again. She didn't have to, I did. I think that that day I cried while I chopped wood.
O.k., enough of this. Honestly, I will do what has to be done. I always have with very little help from anyone. And thanks to Jerry I can afford to pay to have it all hauled away if I can get it to the street. After it is cleaned, maybe I will be able to keep it cleaned. We'll see.
I'm going. I have stuff to do before I go to the counselor's appointment. Mike came in a little while ago and said, "Mom, you look like crap!" He never says that to me! So, I think a tidy up is in order. He has gone to shop for a mower.
I stayed home today. My stomach has been a bit cranky since yesterday. Just lots of grumbling and all that accompanies a stomach bug.
That isn't the only reason. I'm not doing well at all. I don't know what is wrong. I get upset over the least thing. I fall apart watching things for no reason. I see the counselor today at 3 and must get dressed soon.
I don't think I know why I am doing this. I am hurting so bad and I feel very frightened a lot of the time. I don't know how to fix it since I don't know what I am afraid of. I'm not afraid of my anything tangible. It is this hovering fear that simply stops me in my tracks at unsuspecting moments. I have to go to the bathroom or close my door at work. If I stop thinking for a minute it creeps up. At home, it is harder because I am idle more. I can't find ways to escape. Ultimately, I have to redirect my thinking and focus on something else. I get illogically upset if things are out of place or missing.
I sat and listened to a young preacher online last night. It was a very good message and he was a very good preacher. It was the Elevation Church. He preached about The Dip. You may know it better as the valley or the place where everything goes wrong. It was really good because I had not thought about some of the reasons that these places occur in our lives. I really found it enlightening. I can't say it made me feel better but it did remind me that it isn't always something we do or don't do that puts us in those places. I was aware of the concepts he presented and I did "know" it. I've even said as much myself but sometimes, in the crisis, someone else has to point out what is happening to you.
I still don't understand but maybe I will. Yet, I don't like this hollow feeling in my chest or the pain I get at unexpected times. I don't like feeling alone or friendless or abandoned.
I am flying to Myrtle Beach, S. C. next weekend to spend about four days with my aunt and uncle and friends of theirs, well, and mine, too, I guess. I've known them since I was about 15. They're really nice people. I know it will be fun and good for me to get away. I hate being away from my sons but since I don't really see them much I don't guess it matters.
David is working and I am so glad. I hope it goes well for him. I just wish so much he'd get his diploma. Jerry and I had such high hopes for David. He is smarter than he thinks but he doesn't seem able to even see it or try. I have no influence there. I've decided not to even bother anymore. I know he can do a lot better than a sales clerk at Sears. He is in church much more now and seems to really want to work on that more. I am happy for him. I don't think he ever really sees that he does better at everything when he is faithful. Still, they don't really care what I think and I get told so in no uncertain terms. So, I have decided to offer no further assistance there.
Mike thought he had a job but they changed their minds. He was upset. I don't know what to do to help him. I have told him if he will work on the yard this summer I will pay him instead of his having to go to the plasma bank for the next three months. He says he will but we will see. You have all seen the photos of the railroad siding so you know it is a jungle. I offered that job to David last summer when he was unemployed but he wouldn't do it. So, this year, the offer is Mike's. I don't like his selling plasma all the time and I think his arms need a rest for a few months. And Mike needs the exercise. Pray for him. He has a hard time staying focused on tasks and I will be at work when he is supposed to be working. It is hard work and will take months to do by hand.
I do think I will have him stack the logs and such and see if anyone wants firewood. A woman my sister works with said they needed firewood badly as that is how they heat their home. My sister told her that the girl's boyfriend could come and get all the firewood they wanted for nothing. They could even chop down the trees! Then girl ask her, "Is it already cut?" My sister told her they would have to cut it. Apparently, that was too much work for free firewood. Idiot. I guess she hasn't gotten cold enough yet. I was cutting firewood for our wood stove when I was 15! With an ax! Daddy bought it in logs, cut in two foot lengths. We had to split it with an ax. Usually, he was too drunk on weekends to even pick up an ax. So, I cut it. I cut it whenever I was home from school and we needed wood to heat the house. What lazy people are living today. When the boys turned down manual labor jobs I told them both they haven't gotten hungry enough yet.
You know, I think I've just decided to start charging people to give my money away. From now on, if someone wants $20 they will have to do something for me. I think it only fair since I am having to work one hour at a highly skilled job to earn about that much, they should put in the equivalent in what they would earn at a specific job. Unskilled labor here is about $7 an hour. So, it takes three hours to cut the yard, you get $21.
So, by that logic, if it takes four hours to clean a section of siding, you get $28, etc. I believe two sections can be done in a week of four hour shifts, starting early in the morning so there won't be a lot of heat build up. He can be done by lunch and I can come home from lunch to see what's been done. I bet after one day he will think selling plasma is easier....
I should make a chart of wages for each job.... Then, when someone comes to ask for money, I can hand them the wage chart and let them pick! WOW what a great idea!
I can promise you I will end up cleaning the siding and cutting the yard after two weeks. I always do. Neither boy will come and help, not for love or money. Anyone out there with sons like that? I was astounded by this character. I always helped my Mama because I loved her and couldn't stand to see her doing things that she wasn't really supposed to be doing. I came in from school once and she was trying to chop wood! I got so mad and told her she was never to do it again. She didn't have to, I did. I think that that day I cried while I chopped wood.
O.k., enough of this. Honestly, I will do what has to be done. I always have with very little help from anyone. And thanks to Jerry I can afford to pay to have it all hauled away if I can get it to the street. After it is cleaned, maybe I will be able to keep it cleaned. We'll see.
I'm going. I have stuff to do before I go to the counselor's appointment. Mike came in a little while ago and said, "Mom, you look like crap!" He never says that to me! So, I think a tidy up is in order. He has gone to shop for a mower.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Over the Hump. . .
Mid-week is here. I am so tired this morning. End of month is always this mad rush right up until 5 p.m. I went home and finished the puzzle as you probably know by now. I was glad to be done with it. It was very satisfying to put in that last piece. And it is such a lovely scene that I just stood and stared at it. I turned off lights before bed and stood looking at the windows of that train. What an imagination I have!
Now, I'm getting ready to take a lunch break. I am going to lunch with Mike. Rather, he is going with me since he has no money. But I like doing things for them, you know. It is only money and once I am gone they won't have much by memories. I might as well make them good ones and if a Big Mac will give them that, so be it. We talk at meals. Mike never stops talking really. He is a continuous sound. Either on the phone or with someone he meets. It is why he can't live with any of us.
Everyone keeps asking how I am. I think the counselor is right. I'm a very good actress. I feel as if my chest will explode all the time but I go about my business and do my job, go home and go through the motions of living. I don't really think very much about anything from one minute to the next. I still can't remember things either. Every day feels very empty and I find myself aimless, not really wanting to walk across the room, let alone take the garbage out. I had to do that last night.
So, I really don't feel less hollow. How am I? Nothing has changed. I can pretend really well for a few hours but then the walls just close in and I'm back to January 29th, waking up, rushing around the bed, calling to him, breathing, listening, watching. It never really goes away. I just get better as throwing up the facade.
Now, I'm getting ready to take a lunch break. I am going to lunch with Mike. Rather, he is going with me since he has no money. But I like doing things for them, you know. It is only money and once I am gone they won't have much by memories. I might as well make them good ones and if a Big Mac will give them that, so be it. We talk at meals. Mike never stops talking really. He is a continuous sound. Either on the phone or with someone he meets. It is why he can't live with any of us.
Everyone keeps asking how I am. I think the counselor is right. I'm a very good actress. I feel as if my chest will explode all the time but I go about my business and do my job, go home and go through the motions of living. I don't really think very much about anything from one minute to the next. I still can't remember things either. Every day feels very empty and I find myself aimless, not really wanting to walk across the room, let alone take the garbage out. I had to do that last night.
So, I really don't feel less hollow. How am I? Nothing has changed. I can pretend really well for a few hours but then the walls just close in and I'm back to January 29th, waking up, rushing around the bed, calling to him, breathing, listening, watching. It never really goes away. I just get better as throwing up the facade.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Puzzled No More
It is finished. The train can now finish it's journey to whatever mysterious place it is headed for.
I put the last piece in tonight and posted the photos for you to see. It is a beautiful puzzle. I will leave it in place until my aunt and uncle get here on Friday and can see it. I really want to frame it. I can't believe how pretty it looks in the dark.
I want to jump on the train and ride to far away places. I want to watch the forest and mountains fly past in the darkness and hear the wolf cry. I want to watch the sun come up over the valleys and watch the mist rise on the wind. I want to hear the bird singing as the sun rises. I want to smell the scent of the coal mingle with the scent of sun-drenched forest and watch as deer leap along beside the train as it races to its destination.
And I want to do it all with Jerry seated next to me. I want to lay back with the sun on my face and my head on his shoulder and ride forever.
There is no escape.
I put the last piece in tonight and posted the photos for you to see. It is a beautiful puzzle. I will leave it in place until my aunt and uncle get here on Friday and can see it. I really want to frame it. I can't believe how pretty it looks in the dark.
I want to jump on the train and ride to far away places. I want to watch the forest and mountains fly past in the darkness and hear the wolf cry. I want to watch the sun come up over the valleys and watch the mist rise on the wind. I want to hear the bird singing as the sun rises. I want to smell the scent of the coal mingle with the scent of sun-drenched forest and watch as deer leap along beside the train as it races to its destination.
And I want to do it all with Jerry seated next to me. I want to lay back with the sun on my face and my head on his shoulder and ride forever.
There is no escape.
Reporters Without Borders - Annual Worldwide Press Freedom Index - 2008
Link
Think the US is at the top of the list for Freedom of Speech? Think again. Check out this list of nations who are considered to have the most liberty in freedom of the press. Uh, the US is 36th on the list with several others.
Press Freedom Index 2008
Only peace protects freedoms in post-9/11 world
Monday, March 30, 2009
Slow Day in the Fast Lane
I didn't stop all day. I worked from the time I hit the door until 5:20. I left and went to the bank where I had to sit in the drive through 20 minutes waiting while they helped some old lady. She deposited a fist of checks and then she tried to cash a check but they told her that her account only had $2 in it. She said, "With all the money I just put in there?" He told her because she had deposited checks they wouldn't post until tomorrow. She wasn't happy. I eventually got out after two other people. I got there about 5:30 and left at 5:45!
I came home and Mike was here. He didn't want to go out to eat. I had arranged to take all of them to supper so I could have a real meal where I could sit down with my children. It ended up Dave, Becca, Sarah and I went to dinner while Mike stayed on the computer. He said he had crackers. Probably a whole stack of Ritz. But he and I had lunch and a movie on Saturday together.
We came home and visited while I worked on my puzzle. I have more photos to upload. I am so excited. It is nearly finished. I did a lot tonight, pieces that have been driving me crazy just fell into place as if I had put them there before.
I have a theory about puzzle building. I believe if you look at the puzzle and the pieces scattered around carefully for several minutes before you leave it, when you come back the next time you will actually be able to put in the first several pieces on the first try. I don't know why I think this works but I believe it does. Usually the first dozen pieces are amazingly simple. I can't believe I pick up a piece and know right where it goes. This has happened so frequently that it can't be coincidence. I always scan the puzzle before I leave it for any length of time, particularly parts that are challenging me.
Well, it's my theory and as long as it works I'll keep doing it. I'd be interested in knowing the results if any of you try this sometime. Of course, all you who are wanting to try a puzzle have to go GET one first.
Why do I think this works? Because, putting patterns together is what the brain is good at. The more you put patterns together the easier it gets. My uncle, when they were here the week following the funeral said I don't put puzzles together like everyone else. I didn't know what he meant. Not sure I do yet. I don't think I do. But the whole family was involved in puzzles for over a week and I watched how they did it. It seemed very inefficient to me for some reason I couldn't pinpoint. So, I must be doing something differently but can't figure out what it is.
Anyway, it fascinates me. And soon, my train will be on its way through the snow filled, moonlit valley. Keep watching.
I'm getting ready for bed. I took my pills late tonight and I am concerned I'll wake up late so I'm going to try and turn in on time.
My sister Roselynn's blog has an updated look. And she is not Child of Seven. Give it a look.
I came home and Mike was here. He didn't want to go out to eat. I had arranged to take all of them to supper so I could have a real meal where I could sit down with my children. It ended up Dave, Becca, Sarah and I went to dinner while Mike stayed on the computer. He said he had crackers. Probably a whole stack of Ritz. But he and I had lunch and a movie on Saturday together.
We came home and visited while I worked on my puzzle. I have more photos to upload. I am so excited. It is nearly finished. I did a lot tonight, pieces that have been driving me crazy just fell into place as if I had put them there before.
I have a theory about puzzle building. I believe if you look at the puzzle and the pieces scattered around carefully for several minutes before you leave it, when you come back the next time you will actually be able to put in the first several pieces on the first try. I don't know why I think this works but I believe it does. Usually the first dozen pieces are amazingly simple. I can't believe I pick up a piece and know right where it goes. This has happened so frequently that it can't be coincidence. I always scan the puzzle before I leave it for any length of time, particularly parts that are challenging me.
Well, it's my theory and as long as it works I'll keep doing it. I'd be interested in knowing the results if any of you try this sometime. Of course, all you who are wanting to try a puzzle have to go GET one first.
Why do I think this works? Because, putting patterns together is what the brain is good at. The more you put patterns together the easier it gets. My uncle, when they were here the week following the funeral said I don't put puzzles together like everyone else. I didn't know what he meant. Not sure I do yet. I don't think I do. But the whole family was involved in puzzles for over a week and I watched how they did it. It seemed very inefficient to me for some reason I couldn't pinpoint. So, I must be doing something differently but can't figure out what it is.
Anyway, it fascinates me. And soon, my train will be on its way through the snow filled, moonlit valley. Keep watching.
I'm getting ready for bed. I took my pills late tonight and I am concerned I'll wake up late so I'm going to try and turn in on time.
My sister Roselynn's blog has an updated look. And she is not Child of Seven. Give it a look.
Another Reason to Hide Your Profile
I never put my real name on my blog... anywhere. Not even in my profile. Read this article and you'll see why.
People Search Engines
People Search Engines
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Evening Falls
A storm blew in and I sat and paid bills. Here are the clouds over the garage. You can see how bad a shape this end of the house is in. Needs pain and gutters up. 
And here is a shot from the back door, looking across the yard to where the railroad runs between us and the street. You can see the mess they leave, too. The only saving grace is that in summer it is all green and woodsy so my yard is completely shielded from view.
Here is one from the front door after the rain really began to fall. My little Focus needed a wash. I need a new awing, too. This one leaks a bit and looks terrible but taking it down would mean I'm drenched in every rainfall while I fumble with keys to get inside.
Here is the last shot.
I had the camera set to take a close-up and forgot to set it back. But it worked out well. You can see the raindrops! That was what I wanted but didn't know how to do it with this camera. Now, for my next trick. I've had wash going, made my bed with clean sheets, and messed around here. I'm ready for real food. The Subway sandwich at lunch is long gone and I've had too much candy for someone with my insulin disorder. Only coffee since we got home from the movie. I want real food but have no idea what I want. I have salad makings and Raspberry vinaigrette dressing and I have spicy chicken strips with ranch dressing to cool them down a bit. Sounds like a plan.
First, however, a nice hot shower and a wash of the mop. May see you all later or may just watch HULU for a bit. Hope you all have a good weekend.
Knowing is a Wow!
Just got back from the movie starring Nicholas Cage - "Knowing".
Well, I must say it was a really good movie. Do not take young children, please. There is some action that is disturbing because of the nature of the events are violent (subway crash) but over all this was the cleanest movie I believe I've ever seen. No cursing, no nudity, no gratuitous violence. Mike said that Cage said "shit" twice. I don't recall that at all so it wasn't obvious. It was quiet sobering in some respects.
The is a movie about a little girl who in 1958 foretold all major disasters up to 2009. These were sealed in a time capsule at her school to be opened in 50 years. This comes into Cage's possession in 2009, through his son, who received it at the opening ceremony. Cage is a scientist who believes that everything is random chance and can't be predicted. So, these prophecies are a challenge to him. And three prophecies have not happened. When he realizes this, he sets about to stop them.
The most disturbing part of this for me was that he was a widow and talked about the lost of his wife. It was painful, to say the least. I don't cry at movies but this nearly did me in a few times. His questions and pain were an echo for me.
For those of you with a religious background, it is a very religious movie. Yes, you heard me. The thing is absolutely filled with religious overtones and Biblical thought. Not preachy stuff. Not a morality show. Just subtle, well, not subtle to me, but subtle Biblical overtones.
Go to the site and view the trailers: Knowing and see for yourself.
I talked to my cousin Dan a while ago and he agreed with me about the religious overtones. He said when he came out he felt like he needed to go to church. LOL! That's so Danny. He liked the movie, too.
Well, I must say it was a really good movie. Do not take young children, please. There is some action that is disturbing because of the nature of the events are violent (subway crash) but over all this was the cleanest movie I believe I've ever seen. No cursing, no nudity, no gratuitous violence. Mike said that Cage said "shit" twice. I don't recall that at all so it wasn't obvious. It was quiet sobering in some respects.
The is a movie about a little girl who in 1958 foretold all major disasters up to 2009. These were sealed in a time capsule at her school to be opened in 50 years. This comes into Cage's possession in 2009, through his son, who received it at the opening ceremony. Cage is a scientist who believes that everything is random chance and can't be predicted. So, these prophecies are a challenge to him. And three prophecies have not happened. When he realizes this, he sets about to stop them.
The most disturbing part of this for me was that he was a widow and talked about the lost of his wife. It was painful, to say the least. I don't cry at movies but this nearly did me in a few times. His questions and pain were an echo for me.
For those of you with a religious background, it is a very religious movie. Yes, you heard me. The thing is absolutely filled with religious overtones and Biblical thought. Not preachy stuff. Not a morality show. Just subtle, well, not subtle to me, but subtle Biblical overtones.
Go to the site and view the trailers: Knowing and see for yourself.
I talked to my cousin Dan a while ago and he agreed with me about the religious overtones. He said when he came out he felt like he needed to go to church. LOL! That's so Danny. He liked the movie, too.
Afternoon Ideas
I think I'm going to see a movie. Alone, since I don't actually have anyone to go with me, well, I could go with Mike.
He isn't even up yet but I can see if he wants to go. Maybe I will... movies aren't much fun alone anyway.
I don't have any other plans. Unless it is shop for a laptop. I really want one but don't know why except my original concept was that I'd have a computer to write on when Jerry wanted to be online. And I could take it with us when we went somewhere. This was to be the year things got better for us and we could do some of the things we kept putting off to help our children. Now, I can do all those things if I want. I don't.
So, maybe a laptop is a luxury I don't need. Will I use it? Will I actually write more if I have it with me. I don't know. At the moment, things are difficult and I can't really think much. I do think the antidepressant is helping, although slowly. I'm sleeping more but I learned last night that it and the muscle relaxant should be taken early. Had a terrible time getting up by 9 and took two hours for my head to clear. I could have slept in since I no longer have a life but I really wanted to get up.
I truly would like to start living again. But I don't know how. There are no plans to make, no places to go, no discussions although with him sleeping so much that had virtually dried up. I don't have to cook, clean or wash clothes for anyone but me. I'd just as soon not.
It is raining outside.
A movie it is. Mike and I are going to see the "Knowing" with Nicholas Cage.
He isn't even up yet but I can see if he wants to go. Maybe I will... movies aren't much fun alone anyway.
I don't have any other plans. Unless it is shop for a laptop. I really want one but don't know why except my original concept was that I'd have a computer to write on when Jerry wanted to be online. And I could take it with us when we went somewhere. This was to be the year things got better for us and we could do some of the things we kept putting off to help our children. Now, I can do all those things if I want. I don't.
So, maybe a laptop is a luxury I don't need. Will I use it? Will I actually write more if I have it with me. I don't know. At the moment, things are difficult and I can't really think much. I do think the antidepressant is helping, although slowly. I'm sleeping more but I learned last night that it and the muscle relaxant should be taken early. Had a terrible time getting up by 9 and took two hours for my head to clear. I could have slept in since I no longer have a life but I really wanted to get up.
I truly would like to start living again. But I don't know how. There are no plans to make, no places to go, no discussions although with him sleeping so much that had virtually dried up. I don't have to cook, clean or wash clothes for anyone but me. I'd just as soon not.
It is raining outside.
A movie it is. Mike and I are going to see the "Knowing" with Nicholas Cage.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Up Late
I'm going to bed in a moment but stopped to post a few things. I've put up a couple of puzzle photos to track the progress. Maybe another week of this and it will be done.
I also put up a few of Sarah. I shot these tonight while they came by for a visit.
I took my meds late tonight because of this but I'm ready for sleep now so I think they are working ok. I will pop in tomorrow if I can. I have lots I need to do. Bill paying for example.
Hope you all have a good and warm weekend. It's cold here.
I also put up a few of Sarah. I shot these tonight while they came by for a visit.
I took my meds late tonight because of this but I'm ready for sleep now so I think they are working ok. I will pop in tomorrow if I can. I have lots I need to do. Bill paying for example.
Hope you all have a good and warm weekend. It's cold here.
Gloomy Fridays
Friday rolls in again. I am at work and want to go home. In a few minutes I am going to get off and get to work on files. I've been working for the last hour but stopped to take a moment and post something. I've slept better the last several night since I've been taking my muscle relaxant and the Doxepin. Gone in minutes when I lie down. That's good.
Thinking isn't so good. I am one of those people who relives things over and over and it is a curse. I see and hear them repeatedly. I know that what I am experiencing is post traumatic stress and I really don't know how to stop it. Does it go away on its own? A lady at church said I must stop feeling guilty but I don't know how to do that either. Everyone can say it wasn't my fault, I didn't do anything wrong, I did everything I could. Only I know where I failed. I know, no one else.
I know what I should have done, should have been doing and I didn't. Because I was so wrapped up in hurt and disappointment and failures that I couldn't see what was happening. And he didn't tell me anything. I should have realized he couldn't climb the stairs to see Sarah. Nothing else would have kept him away. But I didn't see it. I should have realized he couldn't walk far because he couldn't breath. I didn't see it. I never even looked that hard. I had just given up trying to see anything because he never listened to what I was saying. At least it seemed like he wasn't. But maybe he simply could focus on it enough to understand. I don't know about that either.
Back to work for me before this degenerates into a crying session. I wish I could forget a lot of things.
Thinking isn't so good. I am one of those people who relives things over and over and it is a curse. I see and hear them repeatedly. I know that what I am experiencing is post traumatic stress and I really don't know how to stop it. Does it go away on its own? A lady at church said I must stop feeling guilty but I don't know how to do that either. Everyone can say it wasn't my fault, I didn't do anything wrong, I did everything I could. Only I know where I failed. I know, no one else.
I know what I should have done, should have been doing and I didn't. Because I was so wrapped up in hurt and disappointment and failures that I couldn't see what was happening. And he didn't tell me anything. I should have realized he couldn't climb the stairs to see Sarah. Nothing else would have kept him away. But I didn't see it. I should have realized he couldn't walk far because he couldn't breath. I didn't see it. I never even looked that hard. I had just given up trying to see anything because he never listened to what I was saying. At least it seemed like he wasn't. But maybe he simply could focus on it enough to understand. I don't know about that either.
Back to work for me before this degenerates into a crying session. I wish I could forget a lot of things.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Chugging Along
I've added more puzzle photos. As you will see, my little train is chugging along in the valley. You can now see the river that runs along the bottom of the photo. It's black there in the darkness where the snow ends and ice begins. And the tops of the mountains are beginning to take shape.
Look at the glowing photos. This is going to be an awesome picture when finished. I am really excited about it. I can only sit for about an hour before my neck gets the better of me. Not sure this table is any better than the low one I was using. I think it is but I still get a sore neck,.
I'm off for the bathroom, then a simple sandwich for supper and bed. I took my
Doxepin again when I got home and already am feeling sleepy. My lack of sleep last night will probably factor into this. I also took the muscle relaxant so between them, I should rest tonight.
Toodles everyone!
Look at the glowing photos. This is going to be an awesome picture when finished. I am really excited about it. I can only sit for about an hour before my neck gets the better of me. Not sure this table is any better than the low one I was using. I think it is but I still get a sore neck,.
I'm off for the bathroom, then a simple sandwich for supper and bed. I took my
Doxepin again when I got home and already am feeling sleepy. My lack of sleep last night will probably factor into this. I also took the muscle relaxant so between them, I should rest tonight.
Toodles everyone!
Early Birds and Worms
I'm on my way to work this rainy day. Weather has cooled again so back to the sweaters.
I added my latest puzzle photo. It is coming along. I will have to do another "dark" one so you can see how the glow is progressing. Mike saw it last night and said, "You ought to frame that one, Mom. It's going to be cool."
I may do that. It is cool.
I had a very bad night and have had very little sleep but there is a move briefing today so must go to work. I don't believe I'll be going to the cemetery very often for a while. It is not good for me. I had to call Mike to come over about 10:00 and stay with me a while.
I'm cleaning out contacts again. I do this periodically. I get rid of blank or MIA's. Those who with empty blogs or who've been gone for a year or who're now posting things I don't find interesting. In previous purges, those purged never noticed! I've never heard a word from them and they still don't post. Half a dozen no longer have a blog, I've checked! So, spring cleaning begins.
Don't worry, those of you who've been here a while know who you are and that you're safe! LOL! .
I added my latest puzzle photo. It is coming along. I will have to do another "dark" one so you can see how the glow is progressing. Mike saw it last night and said, "You ought to frame that one, Mom. It's going to be cool."
I may do that. It is cool.
I had a very bad night and have had very little sleep but there is a move briefing today so must go to work. I don't believe I'll be going to the cemetery very often for a while. It is not good for me. I had to call Mike to come over about 10:00 and stay with me a while.
I'm cleaning out contacts again. I do this periodically. I get rid of blank or MIA's. Those who with empty blogs or who've been gone for a year or who're now posting things I don't find interesting. In previous purges, those purged never noticed! I've never heard a word from them and they still don't post. Half a dozen no longer have a blog, I've checked! So, spring cleaning begins.
Don't worry, those of you who've been here a while know who you are and that you're safe! LOL! .
Monday, March 23, 2009
Puzzling Preoccupation
Much is begin said about my puzzling attraction to puzzles. I'll use this post to answer some of the question.
No, I don't frame them. I take them apart and put them away until I want to do them again. I have several and I share them with my uncle at times. Puzzles are 100% recyclable. They are the perfect gift. If you hate it, you can find someone else to give it to who will love it. Many people in my family love puzzles. And even those who say they don't like them get hooked walking by on occassion. They almost always stop and try a few pieces.
I have been doing puzzles since I was big enough to stand at the table with Mama. I remember "helping" her when I was probably not much older than Sarah. I think the brain has to be wired for this. I love mysteries of any sort and figuring out how things work. I like fairly complicated puzzles. I don't want very simply ones. I'm done too fast. I have to have at least 750 pieces or better and the picture must be interesting or beautiful. Or both. I've been doing paintings lately and they tend to be the most difficult. Brushstrokes are a nightmare to figure out. Is it a leaf or a drop of paint?
I love sewing probably for the same reason I love puzzles. It is putting pieces together to form a picture. When you work puzzles, you think of nothing else. You are looking for patterns and it takes nearly your whole concentration. They are very theraputic and engrossing. But I do not sit for hours on end. I may but not usually. I usually sit down for a short time and work a section. I don't try and see the big picture from the beginning except to see where things go. I look at the small sections, a leaf, a knot on a tree, the way the snow lies in the current effort. I separate the outside from the inside and then sort by patterns, colors, and visible objects. Hence, the train came together very quickly.
Puzzles are very good to keep the brian active. They stimulate parts of the brain that are often affected in alzheimer's disease. The younger you start the better you are at them. They help develop other areas of the brain improve functions related to geometry and mathematics.
Everyone benefits from putting them together. If you do it as a family, as we did when my aunt, uncle and sisters were here, it is a lot of fun. Everyone works on a section but they will often find pieces you're looking for. One night three of us put together a 750 piece puzzle in about three hours time. That was astounding and we couldn't stop.
Sarah already has several puzzles and we sit and put them together with her. She needs help on some and others she has already learned for herself. She loves puzzles.
I see several weeks of work on the current puzzle. It is on a table, out of the way but conveniently located for me or anyone to work on it. I can work on it and listen to music or even listen to a program, bearing in mind I will miss a bit of the program here and there. But I"ve developed an ability to work on these and listen to other things. How many of you read and watch t.v.? My sisters and I all do.
So, you can see I am an avid puzzle fan. And I strongly encourage others to try them. Particularly if you need a strong diversion. It does work. Start small. A puzzle that is 250 pieces is very small and won't take forever. It is not overwhelming and will still present a challenge to the neophyte.
I'm off to bed now. Yes, very early for me. I took one of my Doxepin at 6 and by 9 p.m. I was groggy. I hope this is readable. It sure was hard to write. LOL
No, I don't frame them. I take them apart and put them away until I want to do them again. I have several and I share them with my uncle at times. Puzzles are 100% recyclable. They are the perfect gift. If you hate it, you can find someone else to give it to who will love it. Many people in my family love puzzles. And even those who say they don't like them get hooked walking by on occassion. They almost always stop and try a few pieces.
I have been doing puzzles since I was big enough to stand at the table with Mama. I remember "helping" her when I was probably not much older than Sarah. I think the brain has to be wired for this. I love mysteries of any sort and figuring out how things work. I like fairly complicated puzzles. I don't want very simply ones. I'm done too fast. I have to have at least 750 pieces or better and the picture must be interesting or beautiful. Or both. I've been doing paintings lately and they tend to be the most difficult. Brushstrokes are a nightmare to figure out. Is it a leaf or a drop of paint?
I love sewing probably for the same reason I love puzzles. It is putting pieces together to form a picture. When you work puzzles, you think of nothing else. You are looking for patterns and it takes nearly your whole concentration. They are very theraputic and engrossing. But I do not sit for hours on end. I may but not usually. I usually sit down for a short time and work a section. I don't try and see the big picture from the beginning except to see where things go. I look at the small sections, a leaf, a knot on a tree, the way the snow lies in the current effort. I separate the outside from the inside and then sort by patterns, colors, and visible objects. Hence, the train came together very quickly.
Puzzles are very good to keep the brian active. They stimulate parts of the brain that are often affected in alzheimer's disease. The younger you start the better you are at them. They help develop other areas of the brain improve functions related to geometry and mathematics.
Everyone benefits from putting them together. If you do it as a family, as we did when my aunt, uncle and sisters were here, it is a lot of fun. Everyone works on a section but they will often find pieces you're looking for. One night three of us put together a 750 piece puzzle in about three hours time. That was astounding and we couldn't stop.
Sarah already has several puzzles and we sit and put them together with her. She needs help on some and others she has already learned for herself. She loves puzzles.
I see several weeks of work on the current puzzle. It is on a table, out of the way but conveniently located for me or anyone to work on it. I can work on it and listen to music or even listen to a program, bearing in mind I will miss a bit of the program here and there. But I"ve developed an ability to work on these and listen to other things. How many of you read and watch t.v.? My sisters and I all do.
So, you can see I am an avid puzzle fan. And I strongly encourage others to try them. Particularly if you need a strong diversion. It does work. Start small. A puzzle that is 250 pieces is very small and won't take forever. It is not overwhelming and will still present a challenge to the neophyte.
I'm off to bed now. Yes, very early for me. I took one of my Doxepin at 6 and by 9 p.m. I was groggy. I hope this is readable. It sure was hard to write. LOL
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Sunday School
I'm up and dressed and waiting for Mike to get here. I called to see if Sarah was going to go with me this morning but once again, she is not up.
I've very disappointed in this. Jerry and I were faithful to see that our sons were in church, even if one was sick the other took the children. Our sons were faithful until they met women who were not as faithful. One girl was a preacher's daughter but looked for every reason not to go to church. Thankfully, she and Mike had no children before she decided to divorce him. He has never been the same, but he does try. I thought David's wife was different in that respect but it is becoming more and more apparent that it isn't going to happen.
I love my daughter-in-law, truly. But she makes excuses. She doesn't work and is home all week but she had to stay up Friday and Saturday night so she and her mom could clean the two bedroom apartment. ????? So, what is going on all week? Well, Sarah has been sick some but five days and no cleaning? And there is a pattern here. This is the norm after she attends any church for a period. Excuses. Why don't people just stand up and say, "I don't believe. I don't love God. I don't want to go to church. I don't like church." Excuses are just lies. I can't stand that.
Mother's are the first example their children see. What you do is what they will do. What you think will be mirrored in their attitudes and thoughts. How you behave will be how they behave. If you are faithless, so too will they be. Children of smokers often smoke. Children of alcoholics often become alocholics. Children of abusers often become abusers. Children of faithless parents are usually faithless. This is borne out in the Bible. Like the children of Israel who married the pagan conquered peoples around them, my sons married uncommitted women and have become lax and faithless.
Admittedly they had a problems before they married but had they married committed women, the chances are they would have become more committed. The Bible is filled with such stories. There is a reason for that. My sons' lives show this as well. Failure after failure because they have walked away from their heritage. If you aren't a believer, you won't understand this and that's ok.
Faithfulness to God is filled with overflowing blessings. And to whine about your life or a problems when you are unfaithful to God is ludicrous. My poor Jerry missed church for three weeks before he died. I remember his sadness and depression over this. How badly he wanted to be there. But he was so tired and he overslept. He couldn't figure out why he was so tired and neither could I. I just though he was working too hard. I was having pain problems so I let him sleep. I wish I'd wakened him so he could have had his hearts desire for a bit longer.
And my granddaughter is learning her faithfulness from her parents. They are her example. Their attitudes toward the house of God are being formed. Sarah hates sunday school because she's ever been in one for very long before they start missing.
I've vented enough. If I say all this to my children, they will be angry. They will if they read it too but I am not accountable to them for this. I am only accountable to God in my efforts to point my children in the right direction. I see my daughter-in-law as one of my children because I see such potential in her life. And the loss of that potential will impact Sarah.
The housework is more important that that, I suppose.
How I wish my sons could have his hearts desires.
I've very disappointed in this. Jerry and I were faithful to see that our sons were in church, even if one was sick the other took the children. Our sons were faithful until they met women who were not as faithful. One girl was a preacher's daughter but looked for every reason not to go to church. Thankfully, she and Mike had no children before she decided to divorce him. He has never been the same, but he does try. I thought David's wife was different in that respect but it is becoming more and more apparent that it isn't going to happen.
I love my daughter-in-law, truly. But she makes excuses. She doesn't work and is home all week but she had to stay up Friday and Saturday night so she and her mom could clean the two bedroom apartment. ????? So, what is going on all week? Well, Sarah has been sick some but five days and no cleaning? And there is a pattern here. This is the norm after she attends any church for a period. Excuses. Why don't people just stand up and say, "I don't believe. I don't love God. I don't want to go to church. I don't like church." Excuses are just lies. I can't stand that.
Mother's are the first example their children see. What you do is what they will do. What you think will be mirrored in their attitudes and thoughts. How you behave will be how they behave. If you are faithless, so too will they be. Children of smokers often smoke. Children of alcoholics often become alocholics. Children of abusers often become abusers. Children of faithless parents are usually faithless. This is borne out in the Bible. Like the children of Israel who married the pagan conquered peoples around them, my sons married uncommitted women and have become lax and faithless.
Admittedly they had a problems before they married but had they married committed women, the chances are they would have become more committed. The Bible is filled with such stories. There is a reason for that. My sons' lives show this as well. Failure after failure because they have walked away from their heritage. If you aren't a believer, you won't understand this and that's ok.
Faithfulness to God is filled with overflowing blessings. And to whine about your life or a problems when you are unfaithful to God is ludicrous. My poor Jerry missed church for three weeks before he died. I remember his sadness and depression over this. How badly he wanted to be there. But he was so tired and he overslept. He couldn't figure out why he was so tired and neither could I. I just though he was working too hard. I was having pain problems so I let him sleep. I wish I'd wakened him so he could have had his hearts desire for a bit longer.
And my granddaughter is learning her faithfulness from her parents. They are her example. Their attitudes toward the house of God are being formed. Sarah hates sunday school because she's ever been in one for very long before they start missing.
I've vented enough. If I say all this to my children, they will be angry. They will if they read it too but I am not accountable to them for this. I am only accountable to God in my efforts to point my children in the right direction. I see my daughter-in-law as one of my children because I see such potential in her life. And the loss of that potential will impact Sarah.
The housework is more important that that, I suppose.
How I wish my sons could have his hearts desires.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Late Night Struggles
I've been off the meds for days now and I understand the addiction potential of Xanax. It has been very difficult, evenings especially. I miss Jerry coming home and chatting a bit before bed.
I took flowers to the cemetery today and found that his stone had arrived and was set. It was so hard. Somehow that stone made it final. His name carved there meant he isn't coming back.
This can't be happening. Every night I struggle with going to bed. I lay there in the dark and cry until I am worn out and wonder how long this will last. How long do I keep feeling like my chest will explode? How long do I stop feeling as if I too am dying? As if I've lost half myself?
I dusted the study and ran the vacuum today. And I walked around and realized that this house is too big for one person. It's empty of warmth and light. I don't know what the future holds for me but I don't know if I will stay here or not. I have a lot of repairs to do and once they are done, I could leave if I wanted to. I'll have a small income that would help me relocate if need be.
But Jerry is here, three blocks away, but here. He is here in the house, around every corner, in photos, in his favorite shirt in the closet. In my head and heart and the breath I breathe. I don't know how to go beyond this point and it hurts.
I am finding that I don't want to talk to people or go anywhere. My aunt calls several times a day and I know she worries. My brother calls and he is learning to use his computer on the road.I've been helping him set up his messenger and learn to use it. He's never done that before. So I talk but when I'm done, I just feel so isolated and hollow. I realize that I am feeling something I have never in my life remembered feeling for any length of time. Abject loneliness. Soul engulfing aloneness. I've never before experienced such absence of presence.
I can't get to sleep and then I don't sleep well. I'm beginning to feel that lack. Tonight, I'm very tired. I'm going to bed and try to get up for church tomorrow.
I took flowers to the cemetery today and found that his stone had arrived and was set. It was so hard. Somehow that stone made it final. His name carved there meant he isn't coming back.
This can't be happening. Every night I struggle with going to bed. I lay there in the dark and cry until I am worn out and wonder how long this will last. How long do I keep feeling like my chest will explode? How long do I stop feeling as if I too am dying? As if I've lost half myself?
I dusted the study and ran the vacuum today. And I walked around and realized that this house is too big for one person. It's empty of warmth and light. I don't know what the future holds for me but I don't know if I will stay here or not. I have a lot of repairs to do and once they are done, I could leave if I wanted to. I'll have a small income that would help me relocate if need be.
But Jerry is here, three blocks away, but here. He is here in the house, around every corner, in photos, in his favorite shirt in the closet. In my head and heart and the breath I breathe. I don't know how to go beyond this point and it hurts.
I am finding that I don't want to talk to people or go anywhere. My aunt calls several times a day and I know she worries. My brother calls and he is learning to use his computer on the road.I've been helping him set up his messenger and learn to use it. He's never done that before. So I talk but when I'm done, I just feel so isolated and hollow. I realize that I am feeling something I have never in my life remembered feeling for any length of time. Abject loneliness. Soul engulfing aloneness. I've never before experienced such absence of presence.
I can't get to sleep and then I don't sleep well. I'm beginning to feel that lack. Tonight, I'm very tired. I'm going to bed and try to get up for church tomorrow.
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