Warm, Soggy Monday

I stepped into a warm morning with a sky that did not bode well. Before I got to work it kept its promise and began to sprinkle. I was able to get in the building before the downpour began but I'm hoping when I go to lunch it is taking a break. I left the umbrella in the car because 1. it wasn't raining, 2. my hands were full.

It was a very unproductive weekend. I simply have nothing to show for it except a small writing assignment for my online writing group tonight. And that was not even very memorable. I appear to have fallen off the wagon again where writing is concerned. I think it is just because I'm so tired from the constant pain. Although fairly moderate as my pain goes, it is all over and so trying to sleep is difficult. I'm left at times with this overwhelming sense that the future doesn't look very promising. There are things I wanted to do and it becomes increasingly apparent that those things are permanently out of my reach. I'm not too old. I simply can't go for very long before I'm exhausted or the pain is so great I am just not able to function.

I had to pull out the last week's work on Sarah's shrug. She was over on Saturday and I tried it on her and it simply did not fit properly. So, I pulled out everything I had done for the week and stared increasing. I am not sure how that will turn out but we'll see. The one good thing about crochet is undoing it is so easy. And I learned what I need to do for the next one. Of course, the intelligent thing would be to find a pattern!

Speaking of Sarah's shrug, we went to Wal-mart Saturday and while there I asked her to pick out the colors she wanted for the rest of them. She was happy to do so, pointing at each selection. First color: orange, not really pumpkin orange but a bright fruity orange. Second color: bright blue because it is her "favorite color". I held up two blues to be sure because they were both very pretty but she wanted that aqua blue she loves. Third color: gray. Yes. It is a pretty gray called heather. She pointed her little finger and said, "That gray." I said, "Are you sure?" She said, "Yes." Fifth color: bright green. And finally, sixth color: red. And it was a beautiful red! The yarn is by Bernat and it is just wonderfully soft and I've never seen such a pretty red before.

I am going to see about going to lunch now. I've been working here and there and blogging in between and now the day is half over. The sky is still gray, and not the pretty gray of Sarah's yarn. Still, at least it is warm. The week is going to be busy for me so I don't know when I'll get back to blog. May your week be filled with blessings of sunshine and warmth.

Early Morning Start

I woke up, spontaneously, at 7:03. I didn't know what day it was and I hobbled to the kitchen. On my way, I stopped and remembered that I came home last night thankful it was Friday. So, it was Saturday and why in blazes was I up at 7 a.m. Still, I continued on my hobble to the kitchen and made a cup of coffee. I hobble most mornings so it isn't noteworthy. I only say to to make this a bit more visual.

I went back to my bedroom and sat the cup on the night stand and thought about it for ten seconds. Yes, I lay down, got comfortable and went to sleep. I woke again at 8:30. The day had officially started.

I'm about to go and pay bills and then, I'll get dressed. Isn't this exciting?

I have plans to write a bit today but not sure how much. I'm three months into WRoE and already flagging. I have had so many aches and pains in the last few weeks and it has been physically draining. I'm exhausted by the time I get home. It isn't an excuse, well it sort of is, but it is a fact. I can't write under that kind of tired.

But that is the plan today.

I finished the little bolero for Sarah but I need to see if it fits and to weave in the tails (lengths of yarn where a row was started). Once that is done, she can wear it. If it fits all right, I can make more and they are pretty quick to make. Yes, I'll post photos once it is done.

The weather? Cold and sunny. 'Nuff said.

Pain level? Really unpleasant.

Maybe I should devise a little barometer for my site. You know one that gives the time, date, and weather but also a place for those little smiley faces they use in your doctor's office to guage your pain. I hate those little buggers. Totally inadequate.

I realize that I haven't been blogging much. I've had virtually nothing to say. I don't see anyone but co-workers and Mike. I haven't had Sarah much. She doesn't want to come over. She doesn't want to spend the night anymore. Once in awhile I have her for a few hours and may get her today but not sure. It is her decision. I hear from Becca every day and my aunt Phillis about the same. That's pretty much the only people I hear from unless someone wants something.

I'm o.k. with it. Story of my life. I can remember living in far away places before there were computers and writing letter but never hearing from anyone. Not much has changed except communications have improved. People just haven't. I'm so thankful for the friends I have on Multiply! And I have writing friends on Facebook so that's helpful. And it makes it easier to choose where I go when I take vacations.

The Writer's Asylum group is pretty much defunct. I've realized it was time to dissolve it. I'll be sending out emails probably this week. My group is a great bunch of people but the truth is writing is not the purpose of the group anymore. I'd still like to see them now and then but I need a writing group, too.

And that's it.

Be Not Dismayed

 My daily Bible verse was like a gentle hand tapping me on my shoulder to tell me to remember the Friday, March 2nd post. I wasn't having a good day, in fact a good portion of the week was painful. Yesterday I got out a bit and did some shopping. It was cold but a beautiful sunny day. My spirits were lifted, even if the pain was not.

But today I woke with pain all over and depressed. I didn't go to church but lay in bed longer than usual. I was tired and just ached. When I did get up I checked my email and found the verse.


Joshua 1:9 "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

I don't know why it was such a comfort but it was. I am more depressed when I am in pain. When that happens my mind is a traitor because it replays images I'd like to never see again, sound bites that simply tear at me.

It is at such times that the tap on the shoulder is most needed. He reminded me today that He knows where I'm going.

Wow.

Transitions

I've had a strange month, I think. It is one of those times when life seems to be transitioning in some intangible way. As the word implies, I can't put my finger on it. I've had a lot more pain lately and I have been more tired than I was for a while. Frankly, I think the pain is the reason I tired easily. It wears on you.


No, this is something else. Something akin to  waking up in the morning and not knowing for a minute where you are or what time it is. I'm restless but not so much in a bad way. No, it is just annoying because it is so vague. For me, as a writer, it is even more frustrating because I can't put a name to it.


So I go with the flow and I keep looking for whatever it is.


I'm thinking I need to get away for a bit. I keep making plans that fall through just when I think they'll work this time. I've actually thought of calling a travel agent to see if it will help me. I have never had a situation where I could not plan a trip. Never. Military wives have to be ready to up and move whenever. You usually get a couple of months of warning but you have to be ready to relocate a whole house of items, children, yourself and your spouse, find a new house, arrange utilities, contact schools, and get everything put away as quickly as possible. You have to be organized. Life ceased to be organized for me three years ago. 


I've made attempts to restructure and reorganize things with some success but there are still places in my life where chaos reigns. Getting things done at home is one. I still have the gas company coming on Wednesday sometime to change out the meter. If I haven't explained that here, I won't go into it but let's say it has been a real pain. 


Vacations are probably the biggest issue for me. I always loved it when we could get away for a bit and do something fun. I still want that but it isn't much fun and planning it is nearly beyond me. That makes no sense at all to me. I've moved hundreds of times. Yes, really. I've done two overseas moves, and five interstate moves. That is not counting all the moves within the cities where I lived. Planning a two week vacation should not be an obstacle. Planning a one week vacation shouldn't either. But it is so hard.


My plan last year to go to England was crushed by an auto accident. Financially, I'm still a bit strapped but I was going to take the plunge this year. Then they started going on about the layoffs. My inclination was go anyway. It still is. But my logical, prudent side says wait to see who is gets laid off. It makes sense. If it isn't me I'll have a better financial standing. If it is, well, I'm going to need all the extra cash I can get. So, that plan is on hold for a bit. Not eliminated, just on hold. I figure things happen in their time.


However, I can't keep going without a break. I need a vacation. I need a week in the sun where it is warm and the air smells of salt. So, my plan is to take a week but I really would like to know where I stand job wise before I do that. All this requires patience and that is the one virtue that I've been eternally short of. 


Other things are changing as well. I'm excited by some changes. Such as the group of girls I've met through NaNo who have become writing buddies. We've been meeting online as a group to talk writing. We've done this twice using the G+ Hangout feature. It was really great to "meet" these women and to talk about something I love. As my other writing group is going through some changes and becoming less focused on writing, I am finding the online group a welcome addition. 


The obvious transitions are challenging but it is still this underlying feeling of things changing and morphing into something I don't recognize where I seem to be having the the most difficulty. I get impatient with it but it isn't something I can rush. I'll just have to wait and see. 

An Attitude of Gratitude

I've been reflecting on how thankful I am. I do that once in awhile and this week it has been borne in on me how very vital it is to live your life with a sense of gratitude, no matter how bad it gets. It is really difficult.

Even before Jerry died I had decided I wanted to be more thankful and to try and keep that attitude of gratitude, even in bad times. Things were very bad back then. For years we'd been struggling with money problems, lost jobs, and his steadily growing illness. He was losing money and couldn't remember where it went. By the time we realized he was giving it away, we were overdrawn three months to the tune of $3000. Our children were having terrible problems with jobs and marriages. And I had become sick from the stresses of my job and dealing with crisis after crisis at home. Gratitude is not easy in these situations. It is nearly impossible.

I'm not the nicest person in the world and when things get bad, I get nasty. I complain, whine, moan, groan, and rant. I get angry. I get angry at the situation, at the circumstances that created it, at the people around me who don't seem to think it is a big deal, at the people who I perceive as causing the problem, at me for being in the mess, and at God for not fixing it "right this second". Mostly, I get mad at me for behaving like an ungrateful idiot. I hate me when I'm in a pickle.

It took years and my husband's illness and actual death for me to realize what I was doing wrong. It is probably the worst tragedy of his death. I learned too late to make a difference in our life together. Only now do I make a concerted effort to put into practice an attitude of gratitude. It really isn't easy.

I learned that how I approach my problems determines how it affects me. How I approach a problem doesn't fix the problem. It fixes me. And I'm the one who needs the help. I can run up on the problem, jump on it and flail around screaming and crying about it, and trying to pound it into a bloody pulp. When I'm exhausted by my actions, I will collapse in a sobbing heap. The problem will be sitting right where I left it, unmarred, unchanged, and just as large as when I began my tirade.

So, I decided one day to approach my problems differently. You see, I have rheumatoid and osteoarthritis. I have fibromyalgia. My sleep is affected and I never sleep more than six hours. I suffer from pain constantly, particularly in my neck and shoulders and down my right leg. There is nothing they can do for me and I refuse narcotic pain medicine. I hurt so bad I can hardly get up in the mornings. I sit up and the first thing I say is, "Thank you, God for letting me have another day of life." I get dressed in pain. I can't turn my head in any direction without pain. It takes hours for it to abate, if it abates, enough to allow me to work. It hurts to raise my arm and hold my head in certain angles while combing my hair, brushing my teeth or simply trying to look into my eye to get an eyelash out. So, I no longer put my hair up except for extremely special events. I lost so much hair when Jerry died that it became hard to do anything with anyway. So I comb my hair and say, "Thank you for my hair that has grown back. Please make it all grow back."

Many mornings I've spent crying because I am hurting so bad and I simply don't want to go to work. Even before Jerry died I'd cry all the way to work. I don't want to deal with the insanity of my job - the politics, the back stabbing and sniping. I don't want to work. But there is no choice for me, no one to support me or care for me. I can't live on a $700 a month disability check that I'd get if I could even get it. So, I drive the 15 minute trip saying, "Thank you for my job. Bless my boss and my coworkers. Let me spread peace in my workplace. Help me to do a good job and to spread peace to my clients. Let peace follow in my wake."

I work through the day usually in pain. I'm on the phone a lot and holding a phone for more than a few minutes can become agony. I use the speaker as much as possible. All my phones have a speaker feature and I use them. I make as few calls as possible because even with the speaker, my neck becomes terribly painful. If I'm really stressed and can't take anymore I go to the private restroom or the archive file room or I close my office door. I sit down and say "Thank you for this job and letting me be able to take care of myself."

When I get home I'm exhausted and pain escalates when I'm tired. I have to get the hottest shower I can in order to help the pain in my neck and shoulder and leg. I spend several minutes in my shower under the hottest water I can stand and I say, very loudly, "Thank you God for hot water." Yes, seriously. I say it over and over and over because without that hot water, I wouldn't get through the night.

I do all of this virtually every day. And you know what? Not one single thing is better! Nothing. My life has not changed one little bit by any of this. I still hurt. I still have mobility problems. I still find days I really hate going to work. I get stressed by the job. I'm still exhausted. My husband is still dead and I'm more alone than I have ever been. Nothing has changed. Except me.

Over time I realized that I am so thankful for God and His provision, despite my miserable days and more miserable nights when I don't sleep. I'm so very thankful for life, for another stinking pain-filled day. I still find moments when I complain and when the pity party attacks me full force. I scream at the ceiling that it was unfair for God to allow all this to befall me. I couldn't have possibly done anything so bad as to deserve all this. Why, I deserved better! There was a time I knew nothing else but my misery.

Now, I'm aware of how I sound and I hate it. I'm reminded of all that has happened and just how much worse it could be. I'm horrified at my stupidity and seared by my ingratitude. I'm ashamed and all I can do is cry out to God. "Lord, I'm sorry. I am so thankful for everything you have done for me. I don't deserve any of it but I am so very thankful for it."

Most of us aren't very grateful or thankful when times are hard. But really, that's when we have to be the most thankful. To live a life of ingratitude is such a waste of time, for both God and the ingrate. I don't care how bad it seems, I learned the hard way that it can get worse. Despite what you think your world can be shaken, turned upside down, and poured out like an insane puzzle whose pieces are all the same color. It takes years to put it back together. If you spend that time complaining all the time with no time for gratitude, you will only become smaller, meaner, and more selfish. . . and so very miserable. You will never be able to escape because your attitude will anchor you to the same spot forever.

The reality is that no matter how dark it has been or becomes all that He has done far outweighs the bad. God has been good no matter how rotten life has been.

I'm so very, very thankful for the grace and mercy of God.

Odds & Ends

Thursday at last! My cleaning genie will be at my house tomorrow and it is amazing how exciting that is. I won't have to spend Saturday cleaning. Yay!

It is a gloomy day and I'm am having trouble walking. Right leg is giving me fits. My right foot and hip hurt. My left shoulder is still painful and my neck, too. I think the neck is worse because I've spent the last two nights working on my sister's laptop. 

She had a mess going on with that thing. Several viruses, PUPs, trojans. One thing had 91 entries. I did all my magic and thought I had it all good to go. The problems were so bad that it forced me to run the scans outside of windows on a restart.. that's rare for me to have to do that... like once or twice that I even remember. Still, I thought it was getting the stuff out. Nope. Once the scan finished, every thing simply stopped working. No sound, impossible to adjust any settings, and NO system restore ability. I had to shut down and start up in "safe mode with networking" so I could actually fix it. 

Bottom line, I had to restore to factory settings. It reformatted and re-installed her OS and I spent the rest of the evening re-installing the software she had on it. I think I'm done now except for all the updates. I left that going when I went to bed and finished up some before work this morning. I'll check one more time but then she can come get it. 

I am hoping I can go home tonight and relax. I like working on computers but my neck is very unhappy with it. There is simply no work around the neck issue. Straight ahead is all I can do for any length of time. Looking in any other direction for more than a few minutes is not good.

Not much writing to speak of this week. I did try a bit last night but I'm in a place that simply is not meshing for me. I think I need to move some stuff around, rewrite a few sections to make it flow and to move some important information farther into the story. I've got it too near the beginning. I have been thinking that for a while but the more I do the more I realize it. So, that will take some doing.

It is late afternoon now and the sky is still overcast but it is nearly 50F. Not warm but certainly not cold. Very odd weather for February. I remember the year Jerry died it was so horribly cold. The ice storm that January 28th put down so much ice and snow and it lasted for a couple of months because it was bitter cold. 

The afternoon is moving along so I'm going to stop now. I have several things to get done before 5 p.m. 

A Quick Catch Up

Another week begins and it is C-O-L-D! I am sitting in my office freezing. Yes, we have heat but for some reason the hallways won't get warm. And every time someone goes in or out of the building, it sucks what little warm are we have out. I have my door closed and my small electric heater going but it seems like it isn't doing very well.


I went to lunch with Mike and Becca. David had to work. Mike is hauling Becca around to get some things done. Becca doesn't have a driver's licenses and so she has no way to get around if Dave is working. I let Mike use the car so he could they could take Sarah to school and Becca to the Federal building to take care of some paperwork there. Those two ADHA people on my car..... yikes. I'm glad they get along well or I'd really be concerned for the car. Becca makes Mike slow down and pay attention. 


Yesterday, I had a bit of a rough day. The weather is not helping me at all and I got a bit depressed during church. I can't really prevent bad memories from coming out of nowhere and once they've surfaced, I can't send them away. So I was down the rest of the day. My head began hurting before lunch and grew worse as the day wore own but it wasn't unbearable and by bedtime it was better. 


This morning, I needed more sleep, even though I thought I'd had enough. I think I was just sleeping so well that I didn't want to get up.  


I'm very frustrated by not getting any writing done at all this weekend. I wanted to and kept thinking "I'll feel better in a bit" but I didn't. So I sat in a chair and watched t.v. shows. I didn't even crochet. My neck just hurt all day Saturday and as the cold seemed to get worse so did the joint pain. I did go out late Saturday afternoon to take Mike shopping and look for some items I wanted. 


Tonight, I'm going to try and do a bit of writing but I also want to see if the hangout idea works in G+. Need to send invites to my WRoE circle. If you gals are reading this, be around at 7:30 p.m. CENTRAL, logged into G+. We'll see how it flys. That's 8:30 eastern and 6:30 MTN, 5:30 Western time. This will just be a dry run, so to speak.


All right, must get back to work now.

Misery and Bitter Cold

It is 18 degrees and the wind has been insane all night. That low pressure we had was pushed out by a high pressure system the sun is shinning finally but no way am I getting out in that!

As a result in the shifting pressures, Friday night's editing plans went down the tube. The weather turned vicious... to me anyway. By 9 p.m. I was hurting nearly everywhere and my neck and shoulders were the worst. I found a chair I could sit in in the living room and I managed to get a position that wasn't too bad but I couldn't believe how much I was hurting in so short a time! And there was nothing to take that late. The generic tylenol only last 8 hours. I'd have woken in the middle of the night in pain.

I am going to take it this morning, however. I'm hoping, as the high settles down that I will get better. I went to bed I think around 11. All I did was read. I'm up this morning at 10 and in about half an hour I'll pay bills then I hope I can start on the real work.

Down Hill to Saturday

I have sort of frittered the week away. Well, maybe not so much. I've done crochet for three nights rather than edit. I needed a mental break and my neck was killing me. I'm going to have to reassess my writing location. 

So.. where does that leave me? The kitchen is just too cold and the chairs are not comfortable either. My living room chair, comfortable at first, for some unfathomable reason, now is not. I think it is the portable table I'm using there that is the trouble. I like the spare room. The desk in the spare room is just too high and I don't have time at the moment to do what needs to be done. Yes, I know what to do, I just don't have time to build a lower frame. That will wait until it is warmer. It is also too crowded at this point to be feasible. 

I can move it to the office where the desktop is located but I've avoided that because the wall needs finishing and I don't want to have to keep hauling stuff in and out. Better to leave it empty. When it gets warm enough to open windows I shall finish it. 

I got my performance evaluation yesterday. I was quite impressed with me! It was a stellar evaluation. I actually feel like someone thinks I'm good at what I do and that I do a whole lot. The boss ask us to write our responses on the back of the sheet but I wasn't about to screw that up. Now, there were a couple of areas I need to improve but overall, I'm good.

I feel... very odd. Yes, I know that sounds strange. But it is true. I've said before that ever since Bro Gary Ashcraft came to our church and prayed for me I've been better mentally. I have, tremendously so. If you've read this blog for any length of time, you'll know this. I still have terrible problems with RA pain. But that's not what he prayed for.. I don't think. When he was about to pray for me he actually told people I had Fibromyalgia and that that disease usually resulted when the central nervous system had more than it could handle. Experiencing the disease and reading the studies, I would agree with that. I mean, for decades it was a non-disease all in a woman's head. However, I never told him I had it. But... the mental fog disappeared in less than a week. The terrible tiredness associated with it was also gone. Yes, yes, I get very tired, exhausted, in fact. But remember, I work 8 hrs a day with Rheumatoid arthritis and most personal friends say I do way too much when I'm not working. I do less than I used to because I hired someone to clean for me. Made an amazing difference. So I'm much better in that sense. Whatever happened, whatever your belief in such things, I am much better. And I'm thankful.

So, the odd part. I just feel strange. I can't put my finger on it. It isn't a bad strange. No. I'd say it is probably a good strange. I am having problems, as I mentioned in a past blog, with my right hip and left shoulder and neck. Lately, I'm having that shooting leg pain. I am telling you this is a nerve somewhere. It starts in the same place every time. But aside from those things, I feel strangely fine.

I've been crocheting as I said. I've made about four squares since Tuesday. Last night I did two. I've got the pattern down now, I think. I am not screwing up as much and not referring to the pattern except when I change colors. Have I said it's a lot of squares? I'm not half done! I finished Jilly's in about three weeks. I see this lasting far longer. 

I do love the crochet. I can't believe I ever laid it down. I forgot how lovely it is to see a pattern grow and become something useful. It isn't like sewing, where it is done in a few days. At least, making the afghans aren't. Smaller items you can but this is a much bigger project. And doing things with thread is a bit more intensive. Smaller thread, smaller needle and finer details. I am just glad I picked it back up. 

Now, if the den will warm so I can get back in there sewing....

I'm going to meet Doug for lunch today. He shot me an email and asked. I haven't seen him in several weeks and it will be nice to talk to him. He's a good writing friend. 

I was thinking this week that the writing has brought me some wonderful friends. Most are online but they are nevertheless truly wonderful. I get these emails that are funny and encouraging or that share some of their own dilemmas or offer advice on mine. I am just so blessed by these people. I hope they know it. I hope I've told them. If I haven't.. I am now.

A Yawning Chasm

I fell into it. Well, it feels like I did. I woke at 8:35 a.m. to the sound of my clock telling me it was 8:35. It talks, you see. Anyway, as soon as I knew I was awake I realized I'd fallen off a cliff and was lying at the bottom on jagged rocks.

I hurt everywhere. And the sky is heavily overcast and 46F. I tried to sleep a bit longer but only managed about 15 minutes before the pain became unbearable. So, having had my coffee I find myself in my chair working on a blog.

Hands feel crushed. Neck feels broken. Knees and ankles feel hammered. Those areas hurt the most. I'm going to get a hot shower and see if it helps. I'm out of acetaminophen, took the last two last night at bed time. I will go get some more today. . . if the shower helps. I'll go sooner if not. Even my chest wall between my neck and the top of my breast feels bruised.

The plan is, after I do the accounting duties I will work on my novel. I have to find some comfortable position or this will only get worse before it clears. I'm not happy.

I could sit and crochet. The hands hurt but aren't stiff. It would only be uncomfortable, not impossible to crochet.

It is going to be a rough day if the shower doesn't work.

A Week Ends

Maybe it is just me but this week seemed to alternately fly by and crawl. Today is one of those days when I don't want to do anything and I want it to fly by. It is very sunny and 48F outside. Cold to me but I hear Europe is below zero so I'll take the 48 gladly.

I am having so much trouble with my hip hurting. It keeps catching and is painful to walk. I think the weather caused it. It was very damp and gloomy for a few days now and we are to get more rain over the weekend. This always seems to make my joints worse. My left shoulder has really been very bad and I've had to wear the pain patch on it again. It helps.

I am not as tired this morning but I didn't want to get up. I was sleeping so good and the bed was warm and cozy. Of course, once I wake it is very hard to go back to sleep or get comfortable so it probably didn't matter.

Things at home are a bit dull. Nothing much I want to do. I've read some, crocheted some, and watch t.v. some, usually while crocheting. I so enjoy the crochet. I am hoping when the weather warms up I can get back into the sewing room. It is so cold in there with no heat. I love the room. I was going to get a new heater but had to have a new sink so it will have to wait. I may go see if they still have any and if they are on sale. I could go back to the heater store and see about a really good one installed. What I have cost a couple of hundred dollars about 10 years ago. It still sells for about the same price, or did last year.

Writing. Must do the writing, too. I'm fairly over the cold so I've no more excuses except pain issues. At the moment, that isn't to terrible.

Happiness is a state of mind and it is very hard work being unhappy.  Apostle Paul said that he had "learned in whatsoever state" he was in to be content. He didn't elaborate that I can recall on exactly what technique he used. Just that he had learned it. I have learned that no matter what state you're in, it is a lot harder to be happy. That or I've not learned what Paul knew.

I have learned that I don't want to think beyond the now. I avoid thinking of the past as much as possible because it is filled with loss. I avoid thinking of the future, except on rare occasion when I start wishing for something. Neither past or future are in my reach. All I see is now. Most days it is a hollow shell. Contentment wouldn't describe it.

At least the sun is shinning.

Sunlight

And there was light.... lots of sunlight in a cloudless blue sky at 38F. I still feel pretty bad but the level of crap has receded. Maybe three kinds now.

I've been sick for over a week and it really stinks.Noooo it isn't the crap I smell!   I am getting nothing, and I mean NOTHING, done. Sue, my cleaning genie, is still out of town. I don't know when she'll be back. The house is a mess, at least to me. I've done some minor cleaning and kept the dishes washed but it needs more. It has been three weeks since Sue cleaned it. I did laundry over the weekend and I did Mike's last night. I stopped by his place and picked it up. He's really sick, too and not able to come over with it. Twice he said he would but called to say he just couldn't. He's been washing out a pair of under shorts every night to wear. Well, he'll have some clean tonight.

I did manage to dabble in my story last night but only briefly. I don't actually remember what else I did last night. I think I watched something. I think I read something for a bit but mostly, I just don't remember. While I ate I watched something... I do remember that. Then I messed with the story... nothing constructive... just read a scene and thought... "That's really really good." Read another and thought about how to improve it. All I can say is "it is what I like". I don't know if anyone else will. 

So January will be a washout for WRoE. But I'm fine with it. I have been sick for half a month. I worked on it the first week, rested from it the second, got sick the third and am still fairly sick. I really need a good sleep and a good sleep is what I'm not getting at the moment. On a positive note, joint pain while I have been ill.... really. Silliest thing I've heard. But I have been so sick and felt so bad.... IT DIDN'T MATTER! My ribs hurt, my chest hurt, my neck hurt, and my head hurt...every time I cough -- which is constantly.

Last night my neck bothered me.. Guess what... positional pain. I'm nearly positive that a lot of the neck pain is posture when at my computer and the weight on my chest. I get pulled out of a good posture or I sit incorrectly when working on the computer. No more laptop in bed or on the sofa unless I have a really proper support for it and a way to keep my spine aligned. I watch a good little video on youtube about proper position and it really helped. Just have to keep at it. 

I'm hungry and it is lunch time now. So, I'm off. May your day be filled with sunlight. 

A Sick Day.... or Two

I took Tuesday off to give me a four day weekend. I had hopes of doing several things... crochet, writing, reading. None of this came to pass... except a little reading today. 

You see, I was ambushed by a cold. It stated last week and I thought it was a just a little cold, over in a few days. Not so. This is the monster cold. I was supposed to go back to work today. I didn't. Instead, I went to the urgent care  this morning at 8 and was given a z-pac (antibiotics) and codeine cough medicine. I'm coughing my head off and feel like seven kinds of crap. Yes, I'm sure there are seven kinds. No, I've not personally seen them but take my word for it I feel like $^!#.

I've lain here on the sofa for the whole day, napping here and there, coughing nearly constantly with such force that I feel my head is coming off. I had a fever when I got to urgent care. Probably why I felt so achy but I ache so often I didn't realize it was a fever.He said I probably have a touch of bronchitis. I've had that before so it isn't surprising. Remember when I went to Florida two summers ago and was so sick I was sure that I couldn't fly? This is not as bad but a close second. I don't ache so much tonight but my throat is raw, my nose is stuffy, I'm still coughing but I took something for that so not so much. When I go to bed I'll take the narcotic cough meds and hope I sleep better. I've had about five horrible nights. I have a doctor's note to stay off till Friday. 

I caught this from someone at work. I wish when they are sick they'd stay in their own office! I have to start being aggressive in prevention measure. May need  a bottle of sanitize on my desk and those bleach wipes to take everywhere I go in the building! 

I know, impossible when you work with folks not to catch stuff. 

I'm done for tonight. Not sure when I'll be back on. 

Long Weekend

I'm off today for MLK Day and I took tomorrow off as well. So, my weekend is only half over. The kicker is that I have a cold. I've been coughing for several days before the weekend started. Since Friday night, I've done very little but cough and crochet. I felt fairly lousy Saturday and Sunday, never leaving the house for anything. Yep, stayed in both days, lying around in my chair watching t.v. shows and working on the crochet.

 Must remember to get photos up today. It is really kind of nice. This square is very difficult to do, not because I don't know how to do it but the instructions are just lousy and they change with each row. So it isn't as if I can learn the pattern quickly. I have eight rows and each one is different. And I use three different colors on each square. Lot to keep up with. Using one color helps when you're doing crochet, so if you're learning it is one less thing. I liked working with the verigated yarns on the last two projects. Also, a constantly changing row is not good while you're learning. The easiest thing to make is a granny square and you can modify it in so many ways after you learn that basic pattern. 

I haven't been writing, although last night I backed up my story and made a duplicate in Scrivener. I have no idea how to start editing. LOL, I've never reached this stage before so it is totally new territory. I'm terrified to take anything out or move anything for fear I'll want it back. Also noticed that for me, intellectually, the story is done but it isn't. I realize that is a hindrance. 

Still, today, I'm going to try and work on it. This is much harder than writing it. 

The neck has been gradually feeling better, not well, just not hurting as much. I have no idea if it is due to the change in position I'm using to work on the computer or if it is a temporary remission. I have those from time to time. Most  pain, at the moment, is under control, meaning that it is bearable at this time. Is it gone? No. On a scale of 1-10 (which in my world is way too low a scale) it is probably a 2 or 3 at this moment. Knees are not hurting. Hands - not hurting. Feet - don't like being walked on. Back - meh, a 2. Shoulder - a 2. Neck - depends on what I'm doing but sitting here, very still a 2. I still need a lower table to type on if I'm sitting in a living room chair or on the sofa. 

I spent the afternoon running some errands - ink for the printer & lunch for Mike and I, meds for me -- and later taking Sarah for a chocolate shake and a short trip to Big Lots. I am at home alone now and I'm feeling rather lousy. My chest is tight and I am coughing. I bought some stuff to break up the congestion and still keep me from hacking up a lung. We'll see.

It is safe to say I've accomplished nothing of merit today unless it was informational via the blogs. And some won't appreciate that. Ah well, the perils of finding many things interesting and a need to insist others do the same. It was all interesting to me.

I am gone now. I need to find a comfy spot and lie down. I'll be around tomorrow for sure but not sure how much. I must find a way to get the writing begun. I an only sort things so much. Even crochet is not appealing at the moment.

One Day Down...Three to Go!

Felt like I'd stepped off a curb just as the proverbial bus happened by. My right leg did no want to work this morning. I'm not doctor but this just isn't right. And they keep ignoring it. I shuffled down the hall until I could get it moving but I nearly fell. And on the way here I had sharp pain in the lower right quadrant of my back... (sigh) And my left shoulder and neck hurts. I just took two acetaminophen.

I go over this sort of stuff because it is the easiest way to keep a record of it. LOL, so you can skip that part if you like.

Regarding WRoE, I finished merging last night. I didn't get started till late but it took about an hour to finish it up. I ended up with roughly 66,000 words all together according to Scrivener. About 8,000 of those I have no idea where they go in the story. All of them won't for certain. Remember this is a work I started as a lark and it has changed considerably over time. And there is more writing to do. 

I'm dreading the rest of it. The opening is still not clearly defined. But... the tedium of merging the two stories is done and for that I am truly thankful.

I started my work morning watching Celtic Thunder. I love this group. You either smile or you cry but either way it is a pleasure. I posted videos, as most of you probably know by now. I have to get some CD's! I'm a sap for Celtic music anyway. 

O.k. who knew Celtic men could sing like that and look so good. Must plan a trip to Ireland or Scotland. Problem is the language barrier.... I love the sound of their speech but can't understand them sometimes. Of course, I could just sit and listen and not worry about understanding if a fella looked like these guys! 

All right. Now I have to go clean the keyboard ... drool everywhere. Hope you all have a good day.

A Gilded Monday

We don't, of late, get them very often. The sun is shinning in a blue heaven covered with sheer, gauzy clouds. It is still cold at 43F but when you can look out on such a day from a warm room it is bearable.

I feel o.k. Which, when you think about it, is a slight improvement. I didn't feel o.k. last week. The neck is a bit better. I've stopped sitting on the sofa for several days now. Saturday night I used the kitchen table again but moved to one of the living room chairs. I put a cushion on the coffee table and put my feet up and got my portable computer table. I spent the afternoon there yesterday watching t.v. and crocheting. 

I also took acetaminophen for pain and I think it helped a bit. I slept better the last several nights but that never last. One takes what one gets. 

I am still working on the novel merge. It is a laborious process. I have about 12,000 words to go. I will be so glad to get done with it. I still need to decide on how to open this story. I have the beginning of the story but the opening scene has to be a very big hook and that's where I'm having problems. I have to convey this is a psychic spy in that first scene and it is harder than you think. I can't say  he's a psychic spy. I have to show it. So, challenge but one to be dealt with later, thank goodness.

I went to church yesterday morning and last night. I'm so out of practice doing that and I now get so sleepy by 9 p.m. that it was very difficult. I thought about doing that Saturday service instead of the Sunday night one before and I may revisit that. I may try it and see how it works first. 

Tonight I will go home and make every attempt to finish the novel merge and be ready to start on the real work after that. My idea is to work on some sort of outline first. I really need to get the full story arc in my mind and then take each section. 

Now I must get back to work.