Mid-December Update: Life

 I'd like to say life has begun to return to normal. I'd like to but it hasn't. However, at my house, it seems the virus is in retreat. The fatigue is still a problem but since I have fibromyalgia, that isn't going to change except in intensity. I still have some coughing but it is one of those things where you hear the stuff breaking up in your chest. 

Even though I'm feeling better health wise, my mood is rather dark most days. I stopped listening to news over a year ago. I read online articles and I try to limit the agency reporting. The poison seeps in, and I get so angry. So, I'm going to need to cut off the sources of this. It is toxic. I'm a rather non-violent person and if I'm affected this deeply, I shudder to think how some more volatile folks are reacting. If they have mental issues, it will be even worse. 

I've had to shut this blog down to registered readers only because David's ex-wife took exception to my posts about Sarah's treatment in her home. If you have read this blog long, you know I rarely call out people and never by name. I guess if you cared enough, you could go digging and find it. I've deleted all photos of them, so that's not an issue. 

She claims it is all lies and is giving David problems. It is hilarious to me that David's first wife, while they had some issues over Sarah, she never really caused any problems for him and never attempted to, letting him stay in the apartment. He didn't in order for her to have a place to stay with Sarah. They worked it out and things settled down. The second wife got him to help buy her parents' home, and he's on that loan.Then she kicks him and Sarah out. So, he can't buy a house or a car as long as he's on that loan. The court has ordered her to take him off, but she's not done it because she can't afford the loan herself! He could not get a plate for his car in the state he's living in now because of this. He's making his car payment, which is included in the loan. And she's upset because I call a spade a spade. 

I'm sick of ugly people. She's lucky it isn't me. I would stop making that car payment. She could make the whole thing or get the loan squared away. 

Yes. I can be nasty. 

Anyway, it isn't my problem and David is not that kind of person. He'll go a long way to resolve it but I am concerned because he needs a place where he is and cannot do much. 

I'm putting up a Christmas tree this year. I'm spending a few days after Christmas at David & Tasha's house. She asked me to come! Can you believe that? Ex never actually invited me to their house, and she made sure she was home very little so she didn't have to entertain us. She managed the last year to avoid coming here at all. 

So, it is refreshing getting invited to my son's home. I spent hours at his house when he lived here with Becca and enjoyed it. Once Covid is under control, maybe I can spend more time visiting him and his new family. This lady seems nice, and she's got a sense of humor. Sarah really loves her, too. For that, I'm so very thankful. 

I guess I should stop here and actually do some work. I have a couple of chapters in my friend's book to read and edit for him. They were missing from my originals. I have a book I'm trying to read and have been for weeks! I couldn't read at all during my illness. I couldn't concentrate on anything at all, and even watching TV. was hard, too. 

Need to go now. I am really feeling down today. I need to decompress.

Scandal Mongers Are So Interesting

People love scandal. I don't know why. I suppose it is some dark place in each of us that is empty unless we're reading about, talking about, or involved. I don't like scandal but like anyone else, it makes me curious when people behave a certain way. 

I had a comment on my Facebook page from someone I have never named here but have posted about a situation involving them. I guess they felt the need to defend themselves. Never a good idea if you're innocent. I refer you to the post, Don't Poke the Bear if you're dying to know. I don't know what the comment said other than the first half dozen words, "We didn't raise our daughter" I deleted it before I saw anymore. I see no reason to say more than I have already said. I blocked the person from my Facebook page so they can't get into any more trouble. 

However, since I occasionally make public post that anyone can read, and this blog is an open blog, blocking is fairly pointless in these cases. Trolls will be trolls. I'm sure their "friend" who is so nice as to keep reading my blog to see if she can get any exciting tidbit to pass along will be sure they see the pertinent posts. I bet she even shared my link with them!

We all know people like that, they say they like you, but they keep feeding you negative things to make you mad. Don't know who you are, sweetie, but please keep passing along my posts! My traffic is going up since you did that! I wondered why it has shot up recently. How many have you shared it with? Did you share it with their church friends? I bet you did. Cause you're special that way.

You may ask why I didn't read the comment, and it is a fair question. When I told my son about it, he asked what it said. I tell you what I told him. "I don't know. I didn't read it. I'm not interested in anything they have to say." See, when you have evidence that you're right about something, nothing anyone says will change that. I have 4 years of psychiatric records that document what was happening. Four years. When she went to live with her Dad, her counselor was best friends with the stepmother. That is an absolute violation of professional standards. Who was she going to tell about her problems then? No one. 

So, I will say again to this friend. You are only getting more deeply involved in things that are none of your business. You are creating trouble for people you supposedly are on good terms with, and if they had any common sense, they'd be asking why anyone would do such a thing. I don't care what you do. 

BE ADVISED: This is my last warning to you folks. I've been relatively quiet to protect my girl from further heartache. I've named no names here and never intended to. However, do not attempt any further contact in any form with me or direct any communication to me. And don't call my son and make threats. If you do, I will report to the state agency that handles suspected abuse cases. There I will present the records of counseling sessions, psychiatrist notes, and the names of everyone involved. I'm not out to get anyone because it won't change a thing, but if you don't bug off, I will do what I should have done in November 2019. There are other children that visit that home and an investigation might not be as much fun as you had mistreating my girl.

Go quietly. Keep your comments to yourself. You've poked the bear one time too many. You won't get another chance to do that. I will make my next statement to Family Services in a certain state. 

Don't believe me? Try me.

End of November!

I guess we all know there are only 31 days left in 2020. November delivered a snow shower at a parting gift. 

I really think there should be a global celebration of good riddance. It has to be the worst year in the world's history, except for the years when the Black Plague was active 1347 & 1750 {est. deaths: 75,000,000 - 200,000,000}. I'm pretty sure things were worse. 

Whatever, I'm glad this year is ending. I don't have hope of a better year. We've seen the levels people will sink to in order to make the world a horrible place, and we've watched elected officials show their true colors. We've seen former humans act worse than the lowest snake, sub-humans. Burning cities, destroying businesses of people who worked hard to build them, willing to kill people for no reason.  We've seen corruption sweep through the electoral process and 50% of the public is just fine with it, as long as they get their pick. If it is someone else, they'll then become concerned citizens. Right now they're sycophants hoping for handouts. 

Thanksgiving didn't start well. It never does. But my son and his family drove in for the weekend, and it was truly wonderful to see them. His last marriage was a joke, and he could never come home for a visit because she was too good to come here. And I wasn't welcome at their house. Looks like he's married a much nicer lady this time. She did all the cooking! It was so nice to feel like I didn't have to impress anyone and that they were glad to be here.

I also got to see Sarah and spend time with her this weekend. That was a wonderful treat. I am so happy when I can spend time with her. She makes me laugh and feel more like myself. She always has done. After Jerry died, she was all that saved me. 

Mike and I are nearly through the COVID-19, I hope. We're still coughing and battling fatigue. That's the worst part to me. Wash dishes, rest. Change sheets rest longer. Sweep a floor, rest. Takes forever to get things finished and before I am, it is time to start over. For a while, I was sleeping 10-20 hrs a day, part of that in 2-4 hr naps. Mike was doing something similar at his house. I'm taking fewer naps. Upward!

I've felt better today. I think having my family visit and the improvement of symptoms are responsible for that. Now if I can just go back to church! I'm staying away as long as this cough persists. I'm not contagious, but I know it is disturbing to some folks. I'll wear a mask to make sure people feel safe. It doesn't work, but if they feel like it does, that saves me the trouble of arguing.

I start December hoping I can accomplish some things here at the house that halted with the Covid invasion back in March. You couldn't get things you needed and then we got sick. So, maybe we can do a few things. The garage is colder than a well, so it won't be fun having to use the saw, but needs must.

 

For now, I'm heading for a hot shower. I hope your November ends happily and December begins with joy and continues.

Covid 19 Arrived at My House

 Mike and I caught the bug. Yep. But we survived! We've been sick for about a month, as far as we can tell. It could be 6 weeks. We thought we had sinus problems, but this got worse until we were coughing. We thought a cold. Then came body aches and nausea. We realized late that we had no taste and smell. Well, I did. I had some taste, but it was all nasty. Soda tasted like cough medicine, a nasty one. So did orange juice. Milk was delicious! 

And through it all ran a fatigue that we could not recover from. So we've slept. Both of us slept off and on for days. Today, we're still fighting the fatigue. I average getting about one thing done a day. Today, it was my hair and getting clothes out of the dryer. That's it. Our bedtimes are roughly 8-9 p.m. and even if I get up at 6, I'm back in bed asleep from 10-noon. A week ago, I'd be in bed again from 3 to 5 p.m. It's been monstrous..

Let me say there are people far sicker than either Mike or me. Mike was sicker than I was, and he coughed far more and far worse. We're still coughing, but it is getting better. 

I bought electronic feeders for the cats and got them the day I tested positive. I was so sick. There is a video on YouTube if you don't believe me. I had people telling me to go to the hospital. So, I couldn't set them up right away. It allows me to schedule 4 feedings and I don't have to get up at 5 a.m. They're working beautifully. I got them set up yesterday and the cats, a bit stunned initially, are adjusting to a machine that feeds them. I reloaded this evening and am ready for the next 24 hours. So much easier than worrying about feeding too much or too often. 

I'd write more, but I'm tired just from this much. I hope you all have a lovely holiday with your loved ones. I'll be at home having a sandwich. Mike is coming over to "hang out". Maybe I'll fix Hawaiian meat balls. 

Neither of us really cares. It isn't much of a holiday for us. 

Dung On Toast

 So the cursed election is over and as usual, liberals are talking about "coming together" and "pulling together". Why? They didn't want it before. They don't care now. It makes excellent media content from a monumentally biased media to spread like dung on toast. I'm not eating it. 

These are the same morons who marched with vaginas on their heads, threatened to kill the president, held up bloody effigies of him, and burned down cities without batting an eye. The smack floating now is just more dung.

We're overrun with closet communist who aren't hiding anything from anyone with a brain. When my 14 yr old granddaughter, who never shown more than passing interest in the outcome of elections, says she's concerned about democrats winning, something is very wrong. 

But I won't bore you with my disgust with 50% of the human race. These dung producers are now in charge. Let's hope it happens quickly and they won't be too unhappy when they abolish the Bill of Rights or burn the Constitution. The ignorance of the current generation was a well-planned indoctrination of them. Russia told us in the 50s and 60s they'd do it this way. 

Mike is ill again with a cold. He sounds awful. No fevers this time. Of course, he tested negative 3 times for Covid from March through May. No point in having it checked again. He was horribly sick then and is no on inhalers from it. This past Monday, he started coughing and was not well. Thursday, I was sick with the same coughing and we both feel like trucks ran over us.

I started sweating on Sunday night. Had to shower and change clothes. I did the same on Monday. I weighed today and had lost a pound! I felt better, too. So good that I set about a gargantuan cleaning project for the den. By bed time I could hardly walk. I had a terrible night's sleep and woke up at 2 a.m. in all over pain. Went back to bed and was up a 8 a.m. I went back to bed at noon and slept till 2 p.m. I feel awful now. The rain started late this afternoon, and that's probably a factor in some of my pain. 

I have to clean and reorganize the living room this week and clean the two spare rooms for company. David and Sarah are coming next week with part of his new wife Tasha and son, Isaiah. 

I'm trying to get back on my feet with the exercise, but it hasn't gone well. I've never been so exhausted as I have been the last several months. I've worked out a couple of times a week for weeks. It won't happen this week, but I'm fine with it. I just wish I was doing as well as I was last winter. I lost nearly 20 lbs then. I've barely lost two in two months. It is so depressing. 

I'm headed to bed to see if I can get enough rest to make me feel better. I might have some real toast with butter before I go. And cinnamon/sugar!

Another Rocky Road

You never know where life is going to take you.  You don't know if it's going to be a walk in the park, across a sunny meadow in the springtime, or some dark cave where something lurks.  

Keep walking because that's just the way it works.  Because somewhere you're sure that meadow is waiting.  Sometimes you get to pass close by.

I haven't had many walks in the park or meadows in the spring.  I found my path took me to mountains.  From the lofty peaks you can see forever.  In the valleys it's dark, and sometimes things come out of the darkness at you.  You tire of walking on rocky trails, stumbling over stones, skinning your knees, even breaking bones.  Journeys that go through the mountains can be exciting, beautiful, and hazardous.

We don't get to choose the path we take, not really.  We may plan for long walks through meadows.  Just don't expect to get what you planned for.  It doesn't mean your life won't be wonderful; it means that it might hurt.

Lot of things have been happening.  I think I may have said Sarah went back to her dad.  That always a sad thing for me.  They moved to Ohio, 5 hours away a few weeks ago.  It's closer, thankfully.  He remarried this weekend.  Mike and I took a trip over there for the wedding.  She seems like a nice girl.

The trip was exhausting for me, as many trips can be.  We drove over on Saturday, attended the wedding on Sunday afternoon, and drove back Sunday evening.  Today has been a recovery day. I used all my spoons up and as a result, spent Monday in the recliner.

Then there was an avalanche. On Sunday morning, Mike dropped his hearing aid and stepped on it.  It's going to cost $300 to replace it.  I don't have $300.  Someone has offered to help raise part of it so we will manage.  Mike was cleaning his TV and something happened and suddenly the screen has lines instead of the picture.  I don't have the money to buy a new TV.  So I gave him mine.  He asked me what I was going to do about a TV.  I pointed out that life is not on the TV.  At least mine isn't.

There are other things, but I won't go into them here.  Let's just say we're in one of those dark places.  I could call it an adventure, but it isn't really.  This is another rocky road through a dark valley.

Strange Start to My Week

 

A gloomy rainy day greeted me this morning, and I am happy with it. I love rain and when I can wake to it with no pain; it is a good day. 

I'd like to understand how I can be in so much pain one day and none the next, but I suspect those are mysteries not meant for me to know. I am sad I couldn't go to church. I felt sick all weekend. Had upset stomach Saturday night on top of back/hip pain.

I had to step into the yard to get a photo for the blog today. David's tree on the left is so tall now I can't get it all in the photos. Sarah's trees, on the right, are growing well. They are over 7 feet now. I should have cut one down as it is right against the fence post. The bushy tree in the center is a fig that has never done well. And the scraggly thing center right is a maple that came up in the fire pit area. I let it grow since my yard is so large and has so few trees. I may never see them at their full potential, but I hope to enjoy some shade from them. 

I love trees and a yard full is just so wonderful. We tried several species, but they didn't do well. We had several mimosas for years and a blight struck them and killed all of them. I was so disappointed. I love mimosa, despite their messiness. The largest shaded the patio. I had to have them removed. I discovered this blight is something that will stay in the soil and new trees would be at risk. We've never had anymore come up, but the neighboring yard has some along the fence. 

I'm about to get busy putting away laundry, I think. I need to vacuum, but I'm  nervous. I have no pain in my back or legs today, and vacuuming or sweeping could change that. I swept the kitchen, but I used extreme caution to do so. 

I shall end and wish you a happy Monday. I don't think I've written a blog without a lot of whining in a while. Perhaps I can set a trend!

Cleaning Closets & Coming to Terms

Ah, children! Fall arrived with a whisper. The days gradually cooled, and the nights became cooler. The last month I've had so much pain I hardly noticed. 

But yesterday I woke to find I had so little pain that I felt refreshed. That allowed me to get small things done. Yesterday was a good day. 

This morning, I woke hurting all over and found a light rain fell during the early morning hours, explaining why I felt so bad. It's taken hours to feel functional, but the sun is shining now, so  I'll take it. 

Mike came over to do his laundry and is napping on my sofa. I didn't realize how bad his sleep apnea was until the weekend trip to Ohio. He's worse than me, I suspect. 

I'm coping with the stresses of Sarah being gone, but it has been difficult. The house is simply hollow without her, and I have times when I hear her down the hall or I feel that I need to get her to bed. That's probably the worst.  

I'm isolated to an extreme degree. No one comes here, but Mike and I can't go very many places with my suppressed immune system while Covid is still a genuine threat. I want to go to church so bad and may try this weekend. It isn't just the virus. I have trouble sitting or standing for long periods. My back and legs are still a problem. 

I have figured out what is causing the severe leg pain. My hips and legs have hurt so bad for months now and I've tried everything to get relief. I could barely walk most days. This week, I went into commando mode. The doctors keep blowing me off, so I used one of my topical meds that I don't use often. There is risk associated with Diflonec, but my pain levels became unendurable. So, I started plastering my hip and lower back with this medicine. 

Hips are difficult to medicate this way. Unlike knees, the hips are deep in the tissues and are a socket in addition. Getting topical meds to the affected areas is nearly impossible. In the past, I found that by putting one foot on a stool, the rounded part of the hip joint is more pronounced. So, I propped my foot on the toilet and put the medicine on and all around that area on each leg. I also do the area to either side of my lower back, closest to the hip. I have been doing it three to four times a day and wearing a Diflonec patch on my back at night. The pain is better, but at some point they're going to have to look at this for a better solution. Or I'm going to be in a wheelchair in terrible pain.

I've done no writing, focusing instead on getting rid of stuff. I have to work in small time spans and focus on a specific area, but I've cleared out some drawers. I must completely gut the closet in the spare room and organize that room. As I'm cleaning things in other rooms, if there is something I need to keep it goes in the spare room. I also need some shelving in there for my sewing and crochet items. At the moment, they're all over the house and I want them centralized. 

 I'm attempting to get rid of clothes I've finally decided I'll never be able to wear again. At some point, I have to just let go, give up. Things will not change. I'm never going to be a size 14 again. I'm never going to be 25 again. I'm never going to be me again. I have to learn to live with this body, this age, and who I am now. I don't like her much but, as I always say, it is what it is.

An unexpected disappointment came up this week. I brought my family dining table home from Mikes. We put it up but must not have tightened the leg enough. I had to move it and messed up the bracket. Getting a new one has proved impossible, so my only recourse is to have a metal worker create a new one. One is $125 and 4 is $150. Since I have neither amount, it isn't happening. I have to move it back to Mike's where he'll store it for me since he has room. I so wanted it up, but perhaps it is time to give up on it. Solid oak and 32 yrs old. No one is interested in it, and I have no family left to sit around it. I think it is one of the most difficult decisions I have to make. So many memories of meals, holidays, and game nights. I can get by with a tv tray but that table. We were so happy around that table. 

I suppose I should stop now. As I read back over it, I can't find anything that could interest anyone but me. And that's doubtful, too. I never thought of my life as exciting, but there was a place, a point in time, where things happened. Fun, exciting, and frightening. Life happened and I feel as if I missed it. I remember walking down streets in Frankfurt, Germany and feeling as if I was in a dream. I was, I think. Did it really happen? 

In case you had not noticed, I'm a mess. I'm broken in some way I can't comprehend. I can see it, and feel it. I'm not sure how or exactly where. I just know I have no way to fix it. 

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Make the most of every moment, right now, while there's time. Living life on the ledge isn't always fun, but you'll make some wonderful memories along the way. 

Gloom, Despair, and Agony on Me

Returned from a quick trip to Ohio yesterday. We left Saturday to take Sarah to her Dad. He's moved there recently and since he has primary custody now, she'll live with him. It was so difficult to leave her. It didn't help that I was very sick. I kind of lost it as I was leaving.

I've had a toothache for the last week and by Saturday night it was horrible. My jaw hurt, all my teeth hurt, and the side of my head hurt. Wearing my glasses caused pain over my ear.

Earlier in the week, about last Wednesday, I found that beneath a bridge I have on the left side the gum had swelled. It is a tight fitting bridge, and the swelling presented as small bubbles and it was so painful. I thought I had something under it, but using floss there is difficult on a good day. This wasn't a good day. I needed to call the dentist, but the entire week was one disaster after another. I'm having so much pain walking that even taking the garbage to the street is difficult. Sarah and I both had this ennui and could not accomplish a thing. We didn't even pack until the night before and the morning we left!

We did clean house and do laundry so she could carry everything she needed. Dealing with all that is always exhausting. When I got home, I realized the act of packing for a move creates its own mess. I have to sweep and clean her room, make my bed, and it seems there is stuff everywhere. I'm glad I bug bombed while I was away. That's at least one thing I don't have to worry about for 6 months.

When I arrived home, I called my dentist and saw him on Monday afternoon. They looked and gave me a Z-Pack and referred me to an endodontist. I may need 2-3 root canals and I need a crown on the opposite side. The pain is from the right side, so at this point both sides of my mouth are giving me trouble. ALL my teeth and my jaws hurt. As of this morning, there is improvement, but not a lot.

Sarah began school in Ohio yesterday. They're doing 2 weeks online with limited attendance. After that, I believe they'll be going full time. I know she dreaded it, but I hope this will be a fresh start where she gets the help she needs. The environment is clearly better than the toxic one she was in for 8 months. Her Dad is working, but he's also job hunting for something full time. There are a tremendous number of opportunities there compared to Podunk, Arkansas. 

I'm exhausted from all the stuff I'm battling. My RA hasn't been too bad but my legs, my teeth, my fatigue, and my back have ganged up on me and coupled with the stress of Sarah leaving again, well, I'm worn out.

For now, I'll leave it there. I'm still very blessed. I just wish he would bless me with less pain. Of course, it could always be worse.

A Cold, Wet, Dark Street

Cold, wet, and dark, well, except for the security light above my head. As I pulled my collar up around my neck, I realized I should have brought a heavier jacket.

Thunder rumbled somewhere in the dark, rattling the door behind me, and the rain increased. A sudden gust pushed the drops horizontal, slapping me in the face, and I swiped at it with the back of my hand.  

The street beyond the wide sidewalk was void of traffic and I watched debris rush along the gutter, carried on swift currents, toward the drain somewhere in the dark. The waiting vortex would suck it down, into a cold spiral to a subterranean pool and from there to wherever useless things go. I suppose the ocean eventually. Someplace exotic? A fish's belly? A subduction zone, crushed and roiled into a mix of molten rock? 

Thunder exploded with a blinding flash that blew out the sensor on the light and cast me in to utter darkness. The rain became a deluge. I stepped back toward the doorway, trying to shelter against the building. The light struggled back to life after a few moments. Once restored, the glaring light made it nearly impossible to see beyond its circle. I felt trapped by it, like some bug in a glass. 

Yeah, that's what it felt like. Someone had dropped me in a glass and put a light over it. Where it was warm and dry and light reigned. They were probably sitting in a chair with a cup of coffee, feet on the desk, watching me in my damp, dark test tube. 

I sighed. Too much imagination. 

We measure our life by our success, and if we do not perceive any, we deem ourselves a failure. But perception can be flawed. Only we won't realize that until, well, until we're standing in a cold rain on a dark street, drowning. 

I'd sort of considered myself a failure at many things, but not the things that mattered. A job well done, a happy family. They were marks of success, right? I didn't have any plaques. Just a lot of photos that showed smiling success. But photos are an imperfect view of success. They're what you see at the moment. And sometimes the smiles aren't real.

The wedding photos, filled with lots of laughing, smiling people, were a prime example. Everyone there had a secret pain. A failure. Or would have before the day was out, before the week was out, before the month... you get it. 

Why is disappointment a requirement to everything? Do we really expect so much of ourselves that even a slight bump of it totally derails us? Or is it that we expect so much from our successes, more than they can deliver? And when they don't, we blame ourselves.

A streak of lightening flashed across the sky, turning the street an inky black moments later. I closed my eyes. It felt safer than that dark street. I blew out a deep sigh and opened them. The light over my head flashed and came back on. I wonder why closing my eyes felt safer. 

I sighed. Too much imagination. 

Stepping away from the wall, I stuck my collapsed umbrella out and popped up the canopy and raised the cover of bright cherry blossoms over my head, cutting off the downpour. The street seemed to lighten as the umbrella dimmed the glare from the security light. I turned and started my walk back to the real world at the end of the street. I could see the lights, cars dashing back and forth, people crossing the end of the street, not turning down this long dark one. The sounds of horns were faint but grew louder as I approached the intersection. 

Didn't seem to matter much now if I was a success or failure. I was the only one who knew the truth. Others might surmise but smiles hide many things. If you looked happy, people believed you were. If you looked successful, people believed you were. You had to walk down cold, wet, dark streets to know for sure. Most people never make that trip. They don't want to know. I was a rebel, I suppose. My laughter echoed against the buildings, a laughing audience mocking me. Well, them's the breaks. 

I stepped from the dark alley, onto the brighly lit sidewalk of the boulevard, the lights reflecting around me from the rain like a pagent catwalk, as if someone wanted to make me feel special. Maybe I was. I smiled.

Another Cloudy Day

As you can see, we have another gloomy day in Evansville. There's been a bit of rain, but I don't know when it fell. The air is much cooler; in fact, my phone tells me it is 74° F right now. That's astounding and I wish it was dry outside so I could sit on the patio.

Today has been one of those unproductive days. I made my bed and read my Bible a bit. That's it. Talked for probably an hour on the phone with my adopted daughter (my granddaughter's mom). 

I am getting ready to get some lunch but wanted to stop and do another post. I have been so negligent of the blogs because health issues kept me down. I'm a very depressing person! So rather than constantly rant on about it, I let things slide. Who wants to hear about someone else's problems, anyway?

My goal this afternoon? Do some editing on John's novel. Do some writing on my novel. Get out of the house for an hour just to feel like I'm free to do so. Maybe stop by Lic's for ice cream? Maybe read one of the books I have lying around. 

Lofty goals. All this IF I'm not too sleepy to move. 

A Day in Wet Trenches

All's quiet on the front, but we're still hunkered in the trenches for the duration. Rain came in the night and soaked my patch of ground. We're sick of rations, sick of the quiet, sick of looking at one another. The occasional potshot is not enough to keep us interested. We have seen the enemy. He is us. 

Sorry, that's how bad it is around here. I got a bit carried away, I guess, but it was working for me.

I woke at 6:30 this morning, and it was pouring down rain. I could get up with minimal pain in my back but it feels as if the shooting pains in my legs are flaring up, not full force, but it's a kind of "I'm waiting!" sensation. 

Mike came and took me to the lab for blood work. He can drop me at the door and save me a very long and painful walk from the parking lot. It's agony the couple of times I've done it prior to my shots. Even from the lab to the lobby was mildly uncomfortable in my hip region today.

I don't like bloodwork. Really. For me, it is the phlebotomist fishing expedition. They can't find the veins and have to dig around. Then, they start over in the other arm or a new spot. Same progress. In the event they find a vein, keeping it flowing is the next problem. Not fun. It isn't their fault, just my deep slippery veins. 

Today I had a young woman who admitted about halfway through that her training was incomplete. It had already become abundantly clear something wasn't right, so it was no surprise. She did an outstanding job on the stick but had trouble keeping the line open. It took so long some blood clotted, making it unusable. Yes, I have to go back for a repeat of a couple test next week. I even drank a lot of water when I got up to ensure the blood would be fluid enough to make it quick. I didn't count on a slow draw. 

Once back home, I had to go back to sleep. I couldn't stay awake. On days like this, that's not unusual. Fatigue plagues me and gloomy weather seems to make it worse. I woke around noon. 

It's very hard for me to feel unproductive. I stayed busy all my life, even when I stayed home with the kids. Cooking and cleaning for four people, sewing clothes for three of us, refinishing old furniture meant my days were full. Then, college with two school-aged children kept me running. Next, teenagers, a husband, and a job rounded out my career. A busy life filled with excitement. Only after Jerry died and I retired did things slow down, and I've hated it. Unfortunately, I can't go back to work with the physical problems I have now. 

The gym was helping me feel better, and I could do more, but since the back problems began, followed by a pandemic, I can tell I'm declining in strength. I just finished a late lunch and I'm about to wind this up and see if I can get something accomplished. 

I just got the yarn in that I ordered so I can finish my new project. I'm rather excited about that. It is so lovely, and the photo doesn't do it justice. The yarn soft and sparkles in the light. I don't know what I'm doing with it yet but it could be a blanket or a shawl. Think it would make a beautiful Christmas shawl or Valentine's Day shawl. 

Have a lovely day, wherever you are and spend it doing something you love. Thank you for reading. 

Don't Poke the Bear

Good morning, Peeps! I'm feeling better after my lumbar injections. No electric shooting pains down my legs when I walk. Although, I had pain trying to get up this morning; it took about an hour for that pain to subside and minus the shooting leg pains it was bearable after a few moments. 

I must tell this because I believe silly people need to know I have heard their voice. Also, I don't suffer fools gladly. It seems someone reads this blog who felt a driving urge to stir up trouble yesterday. They sent a photo of the blog to the ex-dil, and it pissed her off that I mentioned the problems Sarah had endured while in her home. Believe me when I say I used restraint in my comments and the details. It was far worse than the two sentences I shared. I omitted a certain girl's abuse of her every summer. I haven't mentioned her clothes in Walmart bags, no furniture in her room, drugs she needed and not provided and inappropriate medication, of finding her sick, coughing, and running a 102 degree fever but nothing done to check the fever or stop the cough for two weeks till I arrived and had to go buy thermometer, Tylenol, and cough medicine! Never mind the things said to her. But now I have mentioned them. See how that works? Don't poke the bear.

Let me clarify my position on this blog. This is a public, but it is MY PERSONAL JOURNAL where I share pieces of my life, and sometimes I vent. If you read it, you'll get offended sometimes. You don't have to agree. In fact, you don't have to read it if it bugs you at all. All three of my blogs have the same policy. And if you poke this bear, I will respond.

I don't exclude readers unless they're trolls, scammers, or advertisers. That said, everyone else is welcome, even people like this unknown person, who isn't actually a gracious person at all. They have to know this blog is public. Yet they felt this driving need to deliver it personally to someone they knew would not be happy with it. Why someone's "friend" would deliberately hurt their "friend" by such actions, is beyond me, but do I care? Certainly not. They're not my "friend". Thankfully.

Honestly, I love when my blog is so good that people share it. So, dear friend, please share this one too! Far and wide. That's advertisement. Had you used restraint, fewer people would now know about this because only a handful of people read it. Usually friends and relatives. Your secret actions force me to respond on Facebook and here, thus drawing further attention to it. You could have contacted me directly by email and ask for details, and I'd have been able to clarify it to avoid confusion in private. Alas, this is what people like you want: a response so they can pass that along to hurt someone else. Here you go, sweetie.  

My next point here is if you're not specifically named, and no one knows who you are regarding my posts, why would you risk exposing yourself and the other party involved, especially if you don't want people to know? Only family knew anything and close personal friends about the situation. Until now. 

Be assured, the information is accurate. I don't lie. I have proof. If I did what a responsible grandmother should have done, I'd have reported it to local CPS authorities in NOVEMBER when I was in that house and saw a neglected sick child! I didn't. I went home and prayed for God to step in and stop the problem. I still could report it, but she's safe now, although damaged. She'll be seeing a counselor as soon as insurance is available. But God took care of it. Both my son and my granddaughter are out of it. She's recovering and has said she's learned a lot from a terrible experience.

I would advise you, dear "friend" and all parties concerned, don't push my buttons anymore. Pushing buttons can set in motion events that won't be pleasant for anyone. I have nothing to fear from doing what I should have done when I realized the extent of the problem. I was gracious enough to resort to spiritual means rather than courts. 

Oh, and if I were you, I wouldn't poke anymore bears. 

What in the World?

I'm still alive, barely, but still kicking. As you can tell, I've been off this blog for a while. In fact, I haven't really blogged much in either of the other two blogs. Mainly because with Covid-19 has put a wrench in everything.

My granddaughter moved back here on March 13, and the Lockdown happened. The stepmother, they we all thought loved her and wanted her there, kicked her out and told my son to go with her. He brought her home and had to go back because he has a job in another city there. The divorce is final, and he is moving to Ohio for another job. So she'll be here for a little while.

She's dealing with some depression. There was some verbal abuse and the step grandmother was physically abusive. But we've not been able to get insurance so we can get her to a doctor for her ADD meds for school and some other health issues. Covid has slowed things down.

I have been going to Planet Fitness since last summer. I lost 17 lbs. Covid shut that down and I've gained it back. The early part of the year, I began having severe low back problems. Severe pain, unable to turn over at night, or get up without excruciating pain shooting down my legs. Some days I can hardly walk other, I am just in pain so bad I don't want to walk. I got my first lumbar injection yesterday, and I didn't wake up in agony and I could walk this morning. 

I'm homeschooling Sarah during this disaster in the making. At the moment, we're on hiatus from it, so we both get a break. She's got some academic issues but she's don't pretty good despite that. She does need her meds though, and that is a problem. 

Another thing I've been doing is editing a book for a friend. I'm really enjoying that part of writing. Although, I always feel terrible when I slash people's work apart. He's a good writer, and the story has potential with the right changes. My word isn't law. I learned, while editing for friends in college, to say that upfront. People will do what they are comfortable with and if it differs from my opinion, that's fine. I am only offering advice. And I could be wrong. I don't think I usually am. I know good writing and I know when something doesn't work. I am not editing for a lot of grammar and usage so much as what doesn't work, poor or awkward constructions, redundancy, and poor flow. It is a lot of fun but my fatigue is always giving me trouble. 

There has been little of my own writing going on, but the editing triggers me. I have done more that I was doing. I feel so good when I write, but when you can't stay awake, it is difficult to form logical sequences.

My RA seems to be stable, mostly. I am having problems with my hands though. Might be the increase in inflammation in my back triggering that. Or the weather. There's been a lot of weather systems blowing around.

Also been clearing out stuff and putting up shelving. Mike has helped a lot with that. I have shelves in the laundry room. After 30 years! I love it. Now I need to patch holes and paint it. If I can get the back working and pain free, I think I can do it. I have a new shelf in the living room for the tv to stand on, like a mantle without a fireplace. I love that and it will give me more floor space. I'm going to put up some small shelves behind the living room door for my knick-knacks and photos. There's just enough room for 4 inch shelves, and that's just the right size. This wall is the longest unbroken wall in the room and will be a focal point with photos and special items. I love the idea.

Once this is done, my smallest bedroom will be clear of stuff, and I'm converting it to a sewing room... again. LOL. I have my desk and a table I want in there. There is a single bed and so it will be close but doable, I think. I'm hoping to get some sewing done soon. I always loved it.

Another issue has been my ADD like symptoms. I can't be sure what is fibro, stress, and RA related. I'm exhausted most of the time. Not the good tired you get from doing jobs. A mind numbing fatigue that feels as if you simply can't stand up on your feet. Every muscle, every nerve, every mental process feels as if you're being dragged down by weights and you're drowning in fatigue. I hate it because it causes depressive episodes when you realize how much time you've lost.

So, in a nutshell, that's what in the world has been happening. I think I've managed to catch up a bit. I hope so. I don't even know who reads this. If you do, please give me a wave in the comments. It does matter. I share things to educate and maybe tell someone they're not alone in their despair or grief. Crazy life happens to everyone. And let's face it, I like talking. I miss that more than anything. Talk to your family, your spouse! When they're gone, you can't get that back. 

Take care. Stay safe. Be strong. God loves you. So do I.