Dark of Night, Short of Sleep

So, it's late. Yeah, really late. I haven't gone to bed yet. I'm not sleepy. In fact, I haven't been able to sleep since Sarah left. I don't know why since I usually fell into bed after I got her down. I've been sleeping late to compensate for the late hours I'm keeping. Oddly enough, I have less pain after 3 in the afternoon than I do at any other time and sleeping seems to make it worse. 

I have no idea.

Anyway, it's late and I was washing my face and staring into the mirror a moment ago and I had this revelation. I always said I would not be one of those lonely women who talk to themselves and who can't live without the television on when they're in the house. I'm not making fun of them. Really. There is something inherently sad about that kind of life. It is as if when they lost their spouse, they were unable to survive the silence. 

The really odd thing is that after Jerry died I spent six months in my house with no lights on and no sound. Seriously, I did. I came in from work at just after 5 and as it was the dead of winter it was far gone into the dark. I turned on a light only as necessary. I undressed in the dark. I showered in the dark. I dressed in the dark. If I got on the computer, and I lived on the computer for over a year playing Farm Town with people who kept me sane, the only light in the house was the computer screen until bedtime. 

So, back to my revelation. I was talking to the face in the mirror. I had just turned off the television. I realized that suddenly I've become "that" person. Maybe have been all along because I talk a lot to myself. Sometimes I'm talking to God but sometimes it's me. Maybe it's the human need to hear the sound of another voice. I spent 35 years listening to Jerry. But I've got to tell you, I'd rather hear his voice than my own. 

And on the heels of that, I had a second revelation. 

What difference does it make what time I go to bed? Who cares? Why do I feel like I must sleep? I don't feel better after I sleep. I feel worse. They tout sleep as the very thing patients with autoimmune diseases need. Poor sleep is supposed to be the culprit that worsens those diseases. Sleep only causes me intense pain and I'm never refreshed by it. So why should I go to bed early? Why not stay up as long as I want and sleep when I must. I was always a night owl anyway but had to conform to a husband and children and a world that operated on a different schedule. Now, I have none of those restrictions. I'm that woman. The one who talks to herself, who wants sound in the house, and who can't sleep.

These days the sound is a cd of ocean sounds. I sleep with it on because of the ringing in my ears caused by anti-inflammatory meds but it stays on all day. Sometimes I turn it off but most of the time I don't. I hear it softly on the opposite end of the house. I like the sound because I am reminded of home. Sometimes I turn on a YouTube video of nature sounds. My favorite ones have water sounds but there is one that is night sounds exactly like what I used to hear as a child in the summer sleeping with windows opened. There are crickets and cicadas, and other chirping things and it's just this distinctive sound of a warm, southern, summer night. I think I'm going to get it on a cd so I can listen to it at night. 

I'm going to go to bed now. Writing the post seems to have triggered something. I'm suddenly very tired and I think I'll sleep. I'll probably feel like hell in the morning. The devil will wake me with his flaming poker and pour hot liquid acid in my veins. I'll wake up on fire, swollen, and in my own personal agony. I'll roll out bed praying and hoping I can walk.  It is getting harder.

Starry Night and Stuff

I sat outside for a long time last night, probably until around 9, and watch as hundreds of fireflies twinkled all over the yard. David's tree looked as if it were strung with twinkle lights all blinking at different times. I don't think I've seen that many fireflies in years.

The evening was cool enough that the mosquitos didn't bother me long. I lit the citronella candles and watched the light show with no book, no music, no computer. That was a peaceful evening such as I've not had in a very long time

The last two weeks have been horrible. I've had so much pain over my whole body. From my neck to my feet: neck, shoulders, back, elbows, hands, hips, knees, ankles, and the bottoms of my feet. They all hurt. I even have a bruise on my right forearm that I can't figure out how I got and it hurts. Nothing I've done has helped. This morning, I woke about 5 a.m. and all I could do was lay there and moan. I don't know when my pain has been that bad but a 10 wouldn't touch it. No one to call so I just have to lie there and take it.

I wish I could say I'm better. I'm not. It is just slightly less painful. I could still moan if I let myself.

The painting is still not done and I realized that I need to move some heavy furniture to do it. So, that is going to have to wait until I'm able. At the moment, moving myself is painful. I'm not tackling a china cabinet just now. I suspect all the furniture will need to be put in the garage but that means packing dishes from the China cabinet.

The last two hours day I spent paying bills and straightening my bank book out. I have to get myself better organized here! I'd never have done things this way in the past. Very sloppy bookkeeping has never been my style but in the last year or so, I've just gotten so bad at posting payments and balancing the thing. Sometimes I just stare at it and say, "I don't care." And I don't!

Now that everything is done I may just get myself to the backyard and wait for the show to start again and relax in the recliner. That or just read something.

My plan is to head south in a few days if my body will cooperate. It is awful to be a slave to this disease. I suppose I could travel whenever but long distances alone bother me. Good grief! I flew to Germany from Atlanta, thru New York at 20 alone and two yrs later I returned with a toddler to deal with! Surely I can drive across a couple of states alone.

Three More Days

Wow, it has been a busy week.. and it is only Tuesday! I had a rough weekend. On Saturday I cut the yard and enjoyed a beautiful day. Saturday evening had to go to the ER for a severe case of vertigo. Now some of you who know me will say you always knew I was a dizzy dame, but this was not a joke. I couldn't stand up for fear of falling down. They gave me fluids, radiated me and fed me to the vampires. When they didn't get sick, they sent me home with a diagnosis of unknown. I either was dehydrated or had a spell of.... vertigo!

Either way, I was tired on Monther's day and spent it alone at home. It wasn't as sad as it sounds. Mike took me to lunch so that was nice. I rested all day. The dizziness was gone before I got up that morning.


Monday, I worked around the house a bit, went to the cemetery and walked half a mile. I didn't think I would be able to finish it. I was in a lot of pain by the time I was done. It passed off and I returned to began work painting the den. It hasn't been done in at least a decade and a half. It is time. I'm in the priming stage just now and I hope to get half the room primed by tomorrow and the rest might be done by Saturday. Then, I can put on the top coat of paint. I think it is just going to be bright white.

River City Writers Crossroads

Last night, I attended the River City Writers' book signing at Barnes & Noble. We had a great turnout and a lot of fun. This is such a great group of people and I'm very proud to be a part of this effort. They all worked really hard and I think the book turned out pretty good. It was a lot of fun meeting people who wanted your autograph, too.

Today, I had breakfast with my newest friend, Lisa. She is such a sweetie and it was so nice to be invited out.  This is the second time she's asked me to breakfast and I've enjoyed it so much.  We just sit and talk and when I am done the day seems much brighter. We talked about meeting up to walk. She's just started doing that again. She said she rode 11 miles on her bike yesterday and asked me how far I think I could ride and would it be easier on my hips. Well, I don't know but yes, it would be easier. So I'm considering it. I may need to get my bike out and do a test run.

Now, I'm jotting down this post before I get back to painting. I was going to walk but realize my hips are not happy with me for yesterday and besides, it is over 80 out now and I'm just not feeling a walk. We'll see tomorrow.

Tonight, I believe I have an online meeting with another writer friend. We're sort of our own support group and we try to meet twice a month but with two toddlers, it is a huge challenge for her.

And that wraps up today. I'm stunned at how much  I've experienced in three days. And to think, I have three days to go.

I hope you'll have a great day today. Take time for yourself.

Watery Day Wandering

Rain. All night. Days of it.

I'm OK with it. Really, I am. I've had some really good days during the whole mess. Writing is all but dried up and it is the only thing dry. But I am OK with it. Really.

It is the cold I hate and the dreary rain has brought cold. We had some lovely weather ... a while ago ... what? A week. It was nice and I was not well and so, I could only stare at it from the windows. The way I stare at the gloomy skies from the same windows today. I spent time cleaning the house and putting away that darn laundry that continues to grow, despite constant weeding. I still have some to put away but not much. Of course, I have three loads to wash. Mmmmm.

The wind is blustery today. I can hear the trees fussing in the house.

Did I mention it is cold?

I was contemplating a vacation this morning. I need to go someplace warm, with a pool. Where I can relax and sit by the pool, in the shade, of course, and write, taking a swim now and then. I can dream. Mmmm.

I have no idea why I'm writing this post today. I feel as if my head is stuffed with cotton wool. I think I got enough sleep. I haven't checked the numbers from the CPAP yet but 7 hrs is plenty. Most of this wet week has been a good one for sleep. I've been rested. Of course, I've been on the road a lot and got nothing done at home.

The back yard is a puddle. I really need to have a load of dirt hauled in to fill the bad places. And I need to clear around the garage so the water will drain away from it. it just pools around it and seeps in under the blocks. Very annoying. I can't decide if I need to create a drainage trench or pile dirt up to prevent the seepage. I guess I could talk to someone about that. If you have ideas, please share.

Jerry used to take care of things like this and I simply am stupid in this area. He could find the answers and deal with it. Amazing how marriages work. One part of the couple has one set of strengths and the other has a totally different set. If you can adjust to it and accept that, you can make a marriage work. If it bugs you, you have problems. LOL, we managed quite well. I let him do his thing and he let me do mine. We didn't starve and we accomplished quite a few things. We had some nice arguments, too.

I'm leaving now. I'm good to get in here once a month. I guess I don't feel the need to spill my woes here anymore. Well, I don't have that many woes anyway but seems as if I've gradually run out of rants.

Into the Dark

I'm not sure where the road of my life deviated from the one I had planned. Glancing over the map, I could pick a few places where I took roads that weren't the norm but overall, things have been regular. Until Jerry died.

I suppose that's the deviation. One day you're a cheerful person, whistling along a sunny path. The next you've fallen into a dark, dank hole of unknown depths. You land on a ledge but you have no idea where the bottom is and no way to climb back up. You'll have to shred your clothes just to make a rope and hope it reaches the bottom.

And there you are, naked, in the dark, hanging from the end of a rope. Lord knows how far you're going to have to fall. What do you do? What can you do? I mean, hanging from the end of a rope is death.

Many years ago a woman in my church made a comment, half joking, half serious. She said, "When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." Easy to say when you're not the one on the rope.

Anyone who's skinned a cat on the playground or done hand over hand on the monkey bars, knows hanging on isn't a problem... for about three minutes. After that, decisions have to be made. Even then you worried about how far you had to fall. It didn't look far but the impact on your feet is always kind of there, in your head. It just doesn't feel good.

So, sit on the Ledge and wither away or climb down that rope into deeper darkness and hope something doesn't eat you. 'Tis a quandary, to be sure.

Sometimes you get pushed off the Ledge and end up doing a free fall. Those aren't fun either. I've known sky divers. They're just insane. Who jumps out of a perfectly good plane for fun? I've knows a few whose chutes didn't open when they wanted them too. That fall put them in the hospital. Mine may not be so critical in that respect. But it is still painful.

What's my point? I haven't lost sight of it. I've had some pleasant dayss thisweek,k but during those brighter days, I've been depressed and feeling like I should turn around and go back. Impossible to go back, of course. All the bridges burned in the fires I left behind.

Maybe I should have taken a different path. I'd have totally missed that hole if I'd just taken a side road. Or I should have been watching the ground more carefully. Then I wouldn't have fallen in.

And never mind the delays to the journey. Those false starts, detours, and places where you have to stop and wait. Any change to the route would have resulted in a different outcome. Right? Well, maybe but I'm one of those who believe the end result can't really be avoided. I heard a psychology teacher once say that as we age we become who we are. I didn't like the comment then because it sounded as if we had no choice and at that point in mylife, I wanted to be more than who I was. I was pretty happy with my life then, but I wanted more and to get there I had to be more. These days I think the journey makes us who we become and who be become determines where we end up. The course is set for us.

Of course, if you've stuck around all this sounds like the mad ravings of a disillusioned woman. Maybe it is. I think I'm evaluating what I'm doing and who I am and how I got to this state. Paul said in Philippians 4:11 that he'd learned that in whatever state he was in to be content. Paul's state was not Florida. There wasn't sunshine and sandy beaches. He fell in a pretty dark hole and I suspect he ran out of rope long before he reached the bottom. His end was disastrous for him. And yet... he said he fought a good fight, kept the faith, and looked forward to a crown of righteousness.

If you look at it, that seems pretty simple. Stand tall, pull your shoulders back, fight your battles with honor and integrity, keep your faith, and keep going, even if it is into the dark.

Running on Empty

https://photos.app.goo.gl/akr7ajj617QvaWi8A

Sleep Therapy Follow-up and General Rant

What Day is It!

Taxing Time

13 Minutes . . .

Another Day of Tedium & Follow Up Test Run

It is another Monday and thankfully it is a beautiful day. Unfortunately, it is the day I set aside to file taxes. This is always one of the most tedious problems simply because it bores me. But one does what one must do.

I have several other things I'd rather be doing. I still have a couple of loads of laundry to hang and fold and put away. I'm not sure on a scale of 1 to 10 how the two rate. Is doing taxes worse than doing laundry? It's a close race.

I wish I could say that I've been writing but I haven't. I have been doing a lot of reading and I've been doing a lot of Bible studies using an app called YouVersion. Now, they don't take very long so that's not a valid reason for my not writing. I'm still having trouble with focus, although, it has been better since I began taking Acyclovir. However, I am running out and the doctor would not prescribe it as I mentioned in a previous post. I will use up my supply, about four more days, and see how things go after that.

Things are warming up a bit here. Temperatures have been less cold but we still have lots of gloom. Today is the exception and we've had a few that began calling me and ended with sun. We've also had some that began sunny and ended with rain. I think it's that time of year. March will blow in and leave with a roar and spring will be on us.

I do have to say I'm feeling better. I am taking my Humira shots again so I cannot be sure another infection won't start. The doctor has told me if I continue to get infections they will take me off of it. The medicine is working, so that worries me.

Last month I mentioned that I was doing a test run of typing using voice recognition software that comes with Windows and a headset. It has made a huge difference having the new headset. When I did the previous post I did it on Google docs. This post is being created in Wordpad. I have to admit that Wordpad and the speech recognition software in Windows works better than Google voice typing. There are fewer mistakes in what the software understands. Of course my accent is a challenge for this kind of software. I have to use my finest and most educated speech in order for it to understand some of my words and even then it screws up. However, there are maybe two errors per paragraph, if that. So I will be using it as often as I can. It does force me to move slower as I write but even so it's faster than I expected. That was not true of the Google voice typing.

Speaking slower may be beneficial to the writing. Although I tend to write stream of consciousness, slowing down during editing is necessary. I don't know how I will edit in Wordpad since my text is in Scrivener. Scrivener does not work with windows speech recognition software. This is a drawback. Still, I see the benefits of using this and I realize it is going to my make things easier. But I'm going to have to work hard to make myself use it.

I'm going to stop here because I need to get some lunch and get back to my taxes. I hope to have those done in a few hours and move on to something else.

Have a great week!

Friday Run Around!

A Couple of Mice

Tuesday Turmoil

It's been one of those days where anything that could go wrong will. I knew when I got up this morning that I had not had enough of the right kind of sleep. For one thing, my mask was off. I don't know when I took it off but Sarah woke me up at 4 pm and it was off at that point. I believe it was off about 2 hours. I base this on the time I went to bed and the number of hours the online meter says I had with the mask on.

So, I went back to bed as soon as Sarah left. I did not sleep in the recliner. I got back into my warm comfy bed. I slept 2 hours. When I got up I was not feeling well because I had a headache probably because I slept without my mask on during my nap. I should have put the mask on. It was an oversight on my part but I didn't really think I would go to sleep. I felt like I would just rest a minute.

I got up and called Mike to come and change the water filter and the air filter. He came. He attempted to change the water filter and broke it. He successfully changed the air filter. So, now I have no filter on my sink and the water here taste like crap. It comes out of the Ohio River and is processed in a plant using red clay as one of the components. It tastes like mud.

They no longer make this water filter. It was discontinued long ago. I have three brand new filters in storage because they have to be changed every 6 months. So, I Googled it. Lo and behold, on jet.com I found it. It is my exact water filter for roughly $40.00. So I ordered it. It should be here in a few days. I think we can survive the nasty water a day or two. I am not happy but it happens.

It could be worse. Things can always be worse. I'm very thankful for my blessings.

I'm sitting here typing this post on Wordpad with my headset and microphone. I mentioned using speech recognition to type in a previous post. I attempted it using Google docs with mixed results. Since I now have the headset and microphone, I decided to give the windows speech recognition software another shot. I'm pleased to report the result is astounding. Mistakes in the text have dropped to minuscule levels and correction has improved dramatically.
                                                                                                                                                                  I'm sure that my typing is much faster than writing this way. However, this is something I need because there are still days when my hands hurt and I can't type well, so I don't do anything. This feature will allow me to type on days when I don't feel well. I must get in a mindset though to do so. I am used to typing 60 to 70 words a minute when I'm writing. This is slowing me down considerably.

The day is almost over and I hope that tonight I can go to bed early again and perhaps do better on the sleep because yesterday I got a tremendous amount done. One can only hope.

I'd do hope that tomorrow is a better day in more ways than one.

A Jaunt and Story Structure Architect - Feb 10, 2017

They're Here!

 If you've listened to the vlog posts (about 6 weeks ago) you know that in January I ordered a set of chairs from Lazy Boy. Well, they've arrived and I'm so excited. I went to pick them up this morning.

As soon as I got out of the car at the warehouse I saw them sitting in the doorway and thought what beautiful chairs. When I realized they were MY chairs, I was overjoyed. They are much prettier than I expected and so comfortable. Sarah immediately laid claim to one and honored me with the other.

My living room is not very large and now it is full again. I'll miss the space I've had without the chairs but it nice to have them. I rearranged some tables and moved some stuff around after I took the photos but I'll probably post a video later on. I just wanted to share my excitement with you.

Now, no more food in the living room. No putting feet on the furniture. There's no room anyway and this stuff has to last me the rest of my life.

That's it for this post. I'll come back later and catch you up.

Missing Sleep

A Beautiful Day

Friday Morning Foray 01/27/2017

Disgusted

First Day out of the New Year, 1/21/2017

Sleepless in the Car

Happy New Year... Late

We made it! I wasn't sure for a moment there but we arrived, only a little worse for wear.

My I've been away for a while. I've sort of fallen off the grid with this particular blog. To be honest, I've been ill for months, since November, with a hideous cold. I won't go into great detail but NaNoWriMo started in November and things were going well until about the second week. I had a cold that got worse and required antibiotics but despite that, it blew my NaNo to bits. Had it not been for my co-ML and another participant, I don't know what I'd have done. By the first week of December, I thought I was better.

That lasted a week and I was down again with a second round of the cold. This required a second round of antibiotics and I had to come off all of my RA meds for three weeks. I was sick until the first week of 2017. I began to feel human again. But the last several weeks I've battled fatigue that has made it impossible to do anything for more than a couple of hours a day.

I've been trying to write more if I can stay well and awake enough. I told a friend recently I was ready to give up on my writing. It is depressing to sit down and find that you can't think and you don't know what to do or even how to do it. I've been writing all my life and to reach this point is very discouraging.

I discovered over the holiday that Google Docs has a voice typing feature. My computer has a program installed just for that purpose and I've tried it a few times but it just wasn't very good. I could buy a dication program but they are ridiculously expensive and the reviews all say similar things about the inefficiency and need to extensive training. So, this morning I did a short session with Google Docs using the voice typing. I was astounded. It was error free. The biggest drawback was that I am ignorant of the commands to make edits. I'm going to go check for those and see how well it performs. I'm kind of excited about the idea because some days I am not well enough to sit in a chair for a few hours but I think it might be possible to write if I could voice type. We'll see.

As I said, I've done nothing this year so far. We're 15 days in and I've only about 500 words to show for it and a couple of bedrooms switched around. Sarah decided she wanted the full-sized bed instead of the twin. Frankly, it is better in her room. The twin fits better in the smaller room and I'm going to get it set up as a play area for her. She still doesn't like her dolls in her room and they can now have their own space and she'll be able to play with them much easier. They'll even have some drawers for their clothes.

I have plans to do some traveling this year. I don't know about very long trips. My problems with my RA and the fatigue are very inhibiting. I'm kind of afraid of getting off somewhere and being too ill to drive home. Driving with the fatigue is very scary. I had to go someone a week or so ago and it was terrible. I was terrified I'd have an accident because I was unable to focus well. I'm a good driver and never had an accident or a ticket but this was so bad I knew I had to get out of the car. I came home and immediately crashed in my chair for three hours. I slept so hard I felt drugged when I woke up.

Okay, think that's enough for now and it gets me started. I really ought to get a plan for blog posts. I don't think more than a half dozen folks really read this blog but at least it keeps me writing. It was always just a journal and several times I've considered closing it. But it gives me a place to just natter on about the trivial life I live. Sometimes people comment and I  love that. The other two blogs are more directed and I find it easier at times to post there than here.

I hope those of you who are reading have a wonderful new year, wherever you are and however you celebrate. I pray for blessings and grace in your life and may you have only great joy this year and beyond. Thank you for coming by and I hope you'll return. If not, Happy New Year anyway.

A Day Shopping 12/29/2016

Where Have I Been?

No idea. Things have sort of been chaotic. I've been sick... twice. In November, during NaNo, I caught a monster cold the second week. Got antibiotics on the 16th and spent the next two weeks, including Thanksgiving sick. I flunked NaNo, barely able to get 5000 words.

I had a week's respite before the second monster cold hit me. I suspect a relapse. I battled it two more weeks and on the 19th, I got another round of antibiotics.

I am STILL battling this cold. I still have a runny nose, despite the doctor's assertion that I have an upper respiratory infection and the antibiotic would clear that up. I still am coughing and I can tell you my right lung is not letting go of the crud without a serious fight. I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks because I can't wear my CPAP mask. I wake up choking and coughing and have to take it off. The coughing is beginning to lessen and there is less junk in my chest but I'm telling you, it has been bad.

As a result of the second round of antibiotics, I have to stay off my RA meds more than just a week. My immune system is so suppressed that I'm catching everything. At the moment, I've been about 5 days with no meds and I was due for the Humira shot on Monday. I skipped it. I am just thankful that at the moment, my pain is not an issue. When you can't breathe, some things just become unimportant to the brain I guess.

That being said, I had a relatively calm Thanksgiving with my family here in town.  I helped Sarah's mom move into her new apartment. I am going to miss them. I miss little Madi toddling around getting into stuff and giving me morning kisses. It was nice to have someone to talk to and go shopping with once in a while. I suspect I'll pop around regularly to get my kisses. The house was alive again for a bit.

Christmas has also been nice. My youngest son is in with his family from Arkansas. Tonight we decorated the tree, which is a good indicator of how much better I am feeling. I had it up before the 19th last year. This year, I was seriously thinking who needs a tree. But with the help of my granddaughter Alyssa, we had it up in no time and it looks good. I did not put up all my decorations, as I would have liked. Who needs decorations.

So, that's what the last two months have been like. I don't have a clear memory of much else because it all passed in a blur of coughing crud and snot. Yes, I said snot. I need to buy stock in tissue companies in the worst way.

I hope all who are reading this will have a wonderful Christmas holiday. My you find the true reason for the season in your own life. I celebrate the birth of the Savior.

On The Mend

I believe I'm on the mend. I'm coughing less and feeling less achy. I have a headache tonight but I have nearly every day I've been sick, particularly since I started  the antibiotic. I'm also off my RA meds for the time being until the cold is clear. So I could be having pain due to either one or both. I am very tired tonight so will not be doing much on this post. 

I start the week hoping I can knock out at least another 5000 words on my NaNo novel. As I mentioned, this is a previous NaNo novel that was near completion. I'm not stressing about it but it would be nice to start Dec. 1 with a completed draft. I think 5k is a stretch. I don't think it will take that much more to finish. Still, that's my goal, at any rate. I've got a plan in mind to work on the draft, i.e. rewrite, through next November. My next goal would be to edit that draft and get some feedback. 

We'll have to see. I've been known to get very ill when I make such plans. I'll tackle one goal at a time. I'm hoping that the meds will continue to work and I can keep my brain going. 

So, this is good night. 

It's Over!

I'm sitting in front of the fire, in my recliner feeling like yesterday's sludge. I have a cold that keeps hanging on. It has toyed with me for over a week now. I suppose I need to get some meds but when you take about 25 pills a day you don't want to add new ones.

The election is over and I doubt anyone is any happier than I. Trump is triumphant and 50% of the population is in a panic thinking they're going to be assaulted by Republican zombies or stripped of citizenship. Sad that the media has created this environment. If they stuck to political facts instead of personal attacks... well that's not going to happen.

What I find highly amusing is the illegals protesting. You have no voice in this election. No right to complain about our process. Go back to Mexico and straighten out your own country. We got this. Despite your belief, the Constitution only applies to citizens rights, not illegals.

Whew! Sorry about that. It just ticked me off seeing criminals protesting our government. This is the kind of thing Americans are angry about. This is OUR country. If you don't like our laws, get out.

I reviewed my blog posts and I'm very lax about this blog these days. I rarely post here anymore. It has always been more of a journal and I haven't felt a need to journal in recent months. I've either been too sick or too tired or too busy. Not so much drama either. And I've specialized the other two blogs so that takes a lot of what would normally be here. I suspect this blog is dying a slow death. Sad in a way. I started it in 2005 I think, 11 years ago. Lots of life happened.

I'm leaving to listen to the fire popping and try and nap. Only 5 hrs sleep last night and the cold have left me feeling bad.

Why yes, that is a Youtube fireplace.

The Big Moment

So, another day on the patio enjoying the weather. It has been a great week to sit outside and I'm so thankful for the chance to do that. The house is clean and there's nothing calling me away. Well, my unmade bed is making noises but I can't hear them out here. I will go buy groceries this afternoon, with reluctance, but of necessity.

It has taken a couple of months but it almost feels like I'm getting my footing. Of course, I live with the cautious attitude that anything can go wrong, and probably will, but I've reached a place where now is the most important thing. I'm not promised tomorrow and yesterday is finished. I just have to get through today. When you live with chronic pain, you learn not to think about anything but today.

So, I'm enjoying today. Tomorrow can take care of itself.

I hope you'll have a great day. Enjoy your little moments. You can make them big ones. The only big moment you'll get may be right now. Make this moment your big moment and if there is a bigger one later, you'll get double enjoyment. If it is a bad moment, you will have had this moment.

Whirlwind

Out here on the ledge, life does strange things, not always good but not always bad. What's happened since August? Things have been busy and I have had no time to post to this journal. What writing I've done has been in other areas.

I started going to church closer to home. It has been a good decision. I've been able to go more often, almost every service. The later service times gives my body time to adjust and the joints time to warm up. And although the service is longer, there is only the one and the evening isn't exhausting.

The doctor put me on Cymbalta for pain. It was immediate relief. For the last month, I've had very little pain. I am not as fatigued as I was and don't have the associated brain fog.

I've been very busy the last two weeks since my granddaughter's mother moved back to town. We're still friends, even though my son is no longer married to her and having company is actually nice. She's waiting for housing to come through and until then, I actually have someone to visit with.

Mike got second job and seems to be doing well. I'm really proud of him.

I've been reading more since I'm not a zombie. But I am off track with the writing. I'm hoping this week things will settle down and I'll be able to get back to it.

Now that I've updated, I'm going to bed.

Treasures

I found this in the papers I cleaned out a couple of months ago. There is no date but I suspect he was about Sarah's age (10).

Things like this were always important to me and so I hung on to them. No one else cares now but I'll put them all in a file with dozens of letters from family members, some who are already gone. Jerry kept some cards the boys gave him and I still have them. They were important to him, too. Whoever is left at the end of the day can put them all in the garbage.

I'm on the downhill side of my life and I've lost so many of the people who gave my life meaning. Going through the debris left in the wake of living often brings surprises. Running across such things brightens a moment of time.  A bright face seems to just appear, in a twinkling, blinking out before you can grab hold and pull it close.

 Life changes so quickly. You don't see it coming. You anticipate the joys but you can't anticipate the pain.

Just so you know, you won't always get love letters or phone calls. You won't always have someone to tell you they love you. In fact, some of the people who used to tell you will stop long before either of you leave the world. I love you very much.... How long? Only children can make that promise because for them life is long. For those of us who live long, we know nothing is forever. People change, love ends, life ends, and you can't change it or stop it.

So, finding treasures such as this will warm your heart or it may cut it out of you. They're still treasures. Keep them. And if you had one person loved you for even a short span of your life, you're a rich person.

More of the Same

Things have been rather slow since I got back from Arkansas. My RA has been at near peak performance for months and I've grown a bit weary of it. A good day here and there is never enough relief. The barrage of storms that continue to roll across S. Indiana are a constant source of pain and the pain keeps me exhausted.

They are once again going to adjust my Cpap machine to try and reduce my apnea events. Obviously, I'm having too many. Is this why I'm tired? Who knows. I'm in constant pain, usually moderately severe. I sleep in pain and I wake in pain. You don't rest like that. So, I don't know if the adjustment will help.

And no, the Humira has not helped. They said six months to see a change. I'm 3 months in. Very little improvement, if any, is noted. In fact, I see signs of things worsening. I'm gaining weight because I can barely walk most days and have less strength in my legs and arms. Jars present Olympic challenges. Any work performed robs me of days of energy.

Reading is difficult because concentration is bad. Writing is difficult for the same reason and my hands hurt. Sitting hurts my back after long periods but walking hurts my hips. I actually feel better mentally when I can get some exercise if joint pain doesn't make it impossible to bear.

This has been a year of hell. I'm not usually a quitter but I've stopped fighting. It isn't going to get better. I don't want to think about what it is going to become.

Dreaming

I used to have the most vivid dreams. They say we dream in black and white but I dreamed in color and I'd have the most interesting dreams. I stopped dreaming years ago for a very long time. I don't know why but probably due to my sleep disorder. To dream, you actually have to sleep well.

Not dreaming can't be good. They say it helps you work out problems and frustrations in your waking life. I think that is true and I miss my vivid dreams. Perhaps I still dream and they're just not memorable. After they started treating me for the sleep apnea I did start to have a few dreams but not very memorable ones or very vivid.

Until last night. I dreamed and the dream stuck with me after I woke up. It was quite vivid and for some reason disturbed me. It might be because there was so much confusion in the dream. Even now, as I write this post, I'm confused by it. Some of it fades but fortunately, I wrote it down. You can see it is filled with confusion.

In my dream I was going to a funeral, I think. I thought I was with someone (Daddy) and when I parked the car I told them I could find it when I came out. Then I was alone inside a huge church packed with black people and I thought a black person was dead. They all had on white hats and I remember they were singing but not the song.

At first, I was seated toward the back and high up but then I was near the front left on the end of the pew and two white women were seated on my right. The nearest was blond or gray haired. Beyond them were two people I knew, Loraine and Joseph. They used to live in town and moved to Nashville. I didn't know why they were in the church. Or my dream.

I suddenly had a tablet and had turned it on. I don't know why I had it but I was listening to something and the woman next to me told me to turn it off. She was very rude and then the woman next to her was snarling to turn it off. I was frustrated at getting caught with it on, even though I didn't understand why it was on in church. I told them I was trying to shut it down but didn't know how. I finally got it off but the woman said something ugly to me but I don't know what. She pointed out that Loraine and Joseph left and said it was my fault. I could see them walking up the sloping aisle of the church.

I started to leave but went back to tell the woman that she didn't know anything about me, who I was or what I'd been thru and then I felt bad for being nasty to her. I said that I didn't know her either and was sorry for being disruptive and left.

Outside it was pitch black but I saw Loraine and Joseph driving away. I was surrounded by woods. Cars were parked willy nilly around the woods and I couldn't find mine. I was getting panicky, using the emergency button on my key, hoping to set off the car alarm so I could find my car. I felt there were people going to their cars but didn't see anyone. I remembered telling someone I could find my car again.

Then it was daytime and the building was surrounded by parking areas. There was a creek and beyond it a parking area. In the light, I could see that there were parking areas all around. I kept walking trying to find my car, pointing the key and pushing the button. 

Then, I was on the street and it was lined with cars. I walked a moment or two and turned into another parking area. I stopped and dug out my phone and told someone to call home (who?) but saw it had all these games on it. 

I started deleting them until I realized I needed to call home and ask where the car was. Then I realized I didn't have my phone. It looked very weird with a small screen and was a pink color. I didn't know whose phone it was but I knew mine was in my purse. I handed the phone to someone (?) and began to dig in my purse.

I woke up.

Surprise!

Yep, I'm back. Been a while, hasn't it? Over a month, in fact. I wish I could say I'd been doing something constructive but I haven't. I did go on vacation to Branson, MO two weeks ago with my aunt, uncle, and sister. We had a great time. I only had a couple of days where pain was a problem. Fortunately, the resort had a hot tub I could use for a bit and it helped. I also remembered to bring medicine to help with the pain. So, my trip was not bad at all.

Once I got home, of course, things took a turn. I worked a couple of days and my pain escalated. Had four days of lower back pain and sciatica. I think the sitting for hours aggravated it.  And because it hurt so bad, I had to sit even more. There were a lot of storm fronts moving around but despite that, only the back gave me real trouble.

This week has been better but I go back to work on Wednesday and I'm going to be there for half a day. I'm concerned that I'll have another flare up with my back. We'll see. Sitting is hard on your back.

Tomorrow I will start painting my bedroom. Mike came and helped me move the furniture out on Saturday and I've spent the last two days deciding on the color. I'm not totally happy with my choice but I'm going to live with it. I will start painting in the morning. I've got the windows taped and may do that first as they are the most tedious. I have to sand the wall where I've patched 20 years of holes. I must have moved pictures around a lot. I couldn't believe the number of holes. I still have a few to patch but I simply was too tired to bother with those high up. The downside is it takes hours for the spackle to dry. It may interfere with my painting.

Writing has not been happening. The back was so bad I couldn't even read. I simply sat in the recliner, not good for bad backs either, by the way, and watched Peyton Place on YouTube. I couldn't believe I found that! And it was actually pretty good. I've gotten bored with it this week but it sure took me back to my childhood. I watched it with my Mama. I wasn't even 10 yrs old when it went off the air. I felt like I was with old friends. Since I have very few friends, it was a nice feeling.

My youngest sister is in the hospital this week. She's going through some bad times right now. If you pray, please say a prayer for her. It looks like they're going to keep her for more than a week.

That's it I think. I wanted to write for a bit to see if I still could. This blog seems to be gradually fading away. I seem to be here less and less. Although I don't have a ton of readers anyway, it has been a great form of therapy for me. I'd be in a loony bin after Jerry died if I couldn't have written down what I was going through. Maybe I did. I still wonder sometimes. My life was turned upside down and poured out into some great black hole and I've never really escaped. Maybe, in reality, I'm in an asylum and all that has happened since is in my head.

Did I mention I've been a bit depressed? I think it is just because after my trip I had to come back here, to this empty house. Sarah is away for the summer with her Dad. She's having a blast. I can see in the photos she is enjoying herself. I'm happy for her.

And that's enough of that.

Tomorrow comes early. Of course, it will take me two hours to catch up.

Gang aft Agley

At last, the week ends. All things considered, it hasn't been a horrible week. A week without pain is gain, indeed. However, Friday the 13th arrived with bells on.

I have this part-time job. You may have heard about it. I'm a test proctor for a company here in town. I basically watch doctors, lawyers, college bound, medical school bound, mechanics, nurses, and teachers take standardized tests on computers. You may have taken such a test somewhere. They can last from half an hour up to 8 hours. Some might take two days but I haven't experienced those. For you it may have been tough. For the proctor, it is like watching grass grow.

At 7:30 we opened the door and even before we opened the computers refused to cooperate. Two test stations and the admin station simply didn't want to work. I called the help desk. They were experiencing problems and said call back.

...........Yes, they did.

I've worked with computers for over 30 years and never such a thing happening. I rarely call help desks for anything but the times I have, I was never told to call  back due to technical problems. And I have 9 people to seat at their stations by 8 a.m. Half an hour is pushing it for registration, security checks, and seating.

But I worked my magic and we got them going. A third computer acted up later. Throughout the day, we had minor issues that kept us running. But the end of the day, my co-worker and I were exhausted and cracking jokes about testers committing suicide with their headsets. He was very funny. I just held my sides.

Sarah went out with my sister for a few hours and so cooking wasn't necessary but I made tuna salad and had that for a late dinner. At 8 p.m. I looked up from my book and meal and realized I was going to fall over if I didn't get to bed. I told Sarah I had to shower and go to bed.

"Can I stay up until 10?"

I showered and tried to figure out why I felt as if I'd keel over if you thumped me. Let me see. Arose at 6 a.m. and got Sarah up, fed, and ready for school. Left for work at 7. Opened the office at 7:15. You know the rest. Got home around 3:45 p.m. and read for a few hours. My sister brought Sarah back around 5 and stayed for about an hour and a half to visit. Dinner at 8. So, here I am at 9 p.m. I calculated. Oh, wait. I've been on  my feet for about 15 hours.

O.k., that might be it. And I didn't get a nap today. Maybe I should go to bed. Yeah. By the time I brush my teeth it will be 10 and Sarah can't argue.

Ah... a plan.

I keep hearing Robbie Burns say, "The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men,  Gang aft agley,"

On a Clear Day

Can you imagine waking up and not feeling any pain at all? Can you imagine being able to have a clear thought, to not feel as if your brain was stuffed with cotton wool all the time?

I can't. I do not remember what it is like to wake up and not feel pain all over. I can't remember being able to walk without my feet hurting or my neck in excruciating pain. I can't remember what it feels like to be able to think clearly.

I don't remember what any of that feels like. I've had days of moderate pain, but no days when I was totally pain-free. For over 7 years.

Today marks one week since I received the Humira shot for my rheumatoid arthritis. The doctor told me it could take up to two months to see any effects. Over the last week, we've had day after day of rain and thunderstorms. My usual reaction to this kind of weather is days of severe pain in every joint, even my skin hurts. Low-pressure systems are a physical hell for me.

So, how has this week gone? For the first four days, after the shot, I woke up to no pain at all. It felt as if my brain had some kind of jolt and everything felt sharp and crisp. From the fifth day through today I've had some minor pain in a couple of small joints. I've had a couple of ocular migraines, at least I think that is what they were. 

Today, I have no pain other than some minor pain in my hand and we had a storm come through. The lack of brain fog alone was a shock. 

I don't know if this is all a result of the shot or if I'm in a short remission due to the steroid I had to go on a week before the shot. That's never happened before and I've taken the steroid at least 4 times in the last year and a half. Generally, the steroid only works during the first three days until I begin to taper off and then the pain returns.

Whatever it is, I'm thankful for it. So, I'll be watching things with interest to see how it goes. I'm terrified of this medicine but I have very few choices at this point. 

So On And So Forth, Whatever...

As Busy as A......

The last month has been so busy I haven't had time to do anything but work, clean house, and sleep. I don't know if I mentioned I went back to work in January. It is only a part time job but it was just enough money to fill a shortage in my budget.

Anyway, I've been adjusting to that and less time at home means, adjusting in several areas. Initially, I was just working half a day a few days a week. Two weeks ago a coworker (19 yr old who has never had a job) went into a snit and walked out so I've had to work more and longer days. I'm virtually wiped out. I told them today I simply could not work these long days after next week. The big baby will be back next week. Not my doing. If I'd been the boss, he'd be toast. I'm not. He's not.

Anyway, going back to work aggravated my already endless fatigue. I have been so exhausted for a while. In March, I finally bought something for adrenal fatigue at the health food store that seems to be working very well. I can get through the day now without passing out for four hours after only a few hours out of bed. However, the last two weeks have really caused problems with my pain and fatigue.

The net result is that I've done virtually no writing and nothing for fun. I read and watch t.v. and go to bed. I've managed to keep up with the laundry, keeping things swept and vacuumed. That's about it. With the increased pain levels I've had to start taking the steroid in the last three weeks to manage my pain.

On a more positive note, the money has made a huge impact at bill paying time. I'm so thankful for that. And I do find I like the structure better, although the 6:15 alarm is no fun. I have to be there at 7:15 and this means getting up ahead of Sarah and getting her ready for school. She's a bear most mornings. Thank goodness, Mike comes over on the days I work and gets her on the bus. But 6:15 to 5 p.m. is a long stretchThen, I have to prepare food. Lately, it is sandwiches and pizza. I have to cook tomorrow. I'm sick of junk food.

Mike got a part-time job as well about a month ago. He's been looking for a second one but has had no luck. Because of the new Indiana policy of starvation for anyone not working at least 20 hours, he won't get help with food and that's one reason I had to go to work. Since there are virtually no full-time jobs for folks with no marketable skills and disabilities such as Mike has, he's lucky to get even one job part time. Most employers have not wanted to deal with his hearing problems and the other things that accompany it. And the new "no food" policy means the small check he'll get won't cover all his food needs plus rent, medical insurance, and medicine. If he didn't have a scooter, he'd be walking to work. On icy/rainy days its bad.

Of course, if I could figure out how to make him a refugee from some terrorist country, the problem would be solved!

I'm done. There isn't really anything else to tell. I have been thinking about letting this blog go. I've been doing it since 2005 I think. Over 10 years! I don't know that anyone is really interested anyway and I'm not sure it isn't just a waste of time. I vent a lot and no one wants to hear my whining. Maybe it has served its purpose and it is time to go. I'll have to think about it. It only just occurred to me. Maybe it is time to stop.

Follow Up

Lunch With Me

A burger and a sunny day made a nice lunch.

A Crime of Stupidity

Weapon Used

So, I poked holes in my kitchen trash can. I saw this little hack online and it works really well. When I try to pull those plastic trash bags from the can I often end up fighting myself because of the vacuum seal that results between the can and bag. To prevent this, you just punch some holes in the sides of your can, a few inches from the bottom. It really works great.

I usually pour about a quarter cup of PineSol in the bottom of my can each week. It usually dries up in a day or so but it smells wonderful and when the can needs washing out, it is a much easier process. Just use your sink sprayer and put two or three cups of water in it and swish with a toilet brush, rinse, and pour the dirty water down the toilet.

Scene of the Crime

There is one inherent flaw in this process. I found it today. If you're standing at the sink, daydreaming, and use the sprayer you have to remember those holes. After work today, I took out the garbage and decided while I was filling the sink to do dishes that I'd clean the can. I happened to look down to see water spraying out of four small holes in the sides of my can. The damage wasn't serious but it did require mopping the floor a couple of times. It took a bit to sop up all the water and I had a good laugh at myself, but no harm done ... until I stepped into the den ajacent to the kitchen.

I was still wearing my work shoes, low heels, when I stepped down from a wet floor onto the dry concrete floor. My right foot was still on the step and left foot on the floor... for a second. The left foot slipped out from beneath me. I fell, the right leg bending at the knee beneath me, my body falling backward and landing on my right calf and foot. I hit  my arm just above my left elbow on the edge of the concrete step.

Fortunately, that arm and the bent leg probably kept me from hitting my neck or head on the concrete step. However, the front of my right thigh felt as if it had just undergone some sort of test to see how far it could be stretched. I remember doing something similar in aerobics or something when I was about 25. I'm not 25 now.

I struggled onto my butt from my prone position and was lucky enough to reach the house phone. I called my son, Mike because I honestly didn't think I could get up. I was wedged between the kitchen door and a desk, with one leg doubled under me and both it and my arm giving me a good dressing down.

I really believed I'd probably broken that leg but after the first wave of pain swept over me, I decided I was in better shape that I originally feared. My body began to wake up from the shock about the time Mike arrived. The arm hurt and will probably pout for a few days. The thigh still protested having to support my uh.... weight but then they usually do anyway. My upper back was annoyed I'd clinched up. Although my neck had not struck anything, it was absolutely irate at the strain I'd placed on it when my body protested falling. Everyone's a critic.

Mike was worried  and said, "Good thing you didn't break your leg." 

I looked at him. "Right, because I don't think you would take as good a care of me as I did of you."

We both laughed. He went home. I finished putting away the laundry. My leg and back were not happy, so I took a hot shower and two Tylenol. I suspect tomorrow they'll get back at me.

My Response to a Stupid Article

This morning I read an article titled, 15 Things An Adult Woman Should Never Have in Her Home. I was so annoyed by it that I felt compelled to respond but since my response is rather lengthy, I decided to post it here.

Obviously, this person has lived a privileged life. The average real woman is all about thrift and saving her money for the really important stuff... like vacations and classy clothes and knock 'em dead shoes. Those don't come cheap. Or maybe it is really important to feed the kids and since groceries cost more than ever, we don't worry about rods, drawers, and hangers. I read over the list and decided the writer needs a reality check.

Let me first say I do agree with one point. One should have a good mattress. However, most mattresses these days are junk. They have a 5 yr lifespan because manufacturers stopped making them reversible and use cheap materials so you have to buy them more often. At one time 20-year warranties were the norm but since you can't flip them that has fallen by 15 years while the cost of mattresses have tripled. They're sort of like a futon.

Plastic drawers... I have them because children have lots of stuff that are better in drawers that don't break, are easy to see into, and easy for a 5 yr old to reach.

Didn't you know that art is in the eye of the beholder? Why is it bad for me to have posters if I want them? Have you priced frames?

Hangers? Really? Is this really an important thing? Listen, dry cleaner hangers are the prize for being able to afford to have something dry cleaned. They're essentially free but not really. And let's face it, no one keeps clothes long enough for a hanger to wear them out, particularly if you have children. The smart mom even saves the department store hangers that come with kids clothes. They're FREE! Kids usually outgrow the clothes before the hanger breaks.

Spring rods are awesome for places you can't put a nail! Like apartments whose owners are annoying like that. Or a kid's room where they inevitably tear the curtains down doing what kids do. They're also wonderful to hang a temporary curtain for whatever reason, or under a doorless cabinet. No, I don't know why the cheap landlord didn't put up a door but I don't like seeing cleaning supplies.

Why is a beach towel not a towel? What if I like huge, brightly colored towels? What if I need an extra large towel. And they're usually more towel per buck. Besides, they're a great backup if I can't get the laundry done in time.

A shower curtain liner is not a shower curtain? Then why are many shower curtains PLASTIC with pictures! Do I need to add more junk to the environment by buying two plastic curtains? Seriously, I don't care what you do to dress it up, a bathroom is an ugly but necessary feature. Get over it, use the toilet, and stop snooping.

My dead husband gave me the purple bunny. If the next man has a problem with that, he needs to go.

I don't have many Exes. In fact, none. However, my mama told me to never give back the loot. So.. just because your exes gave you junk is no reason for me to give back the nice stuff. Who will know if you don't tell? I think you have too much emotional attachment to stuff. It is just stuff.

The flimsy cutlery? They call it plastic and I use it when I have guests so I don't spend all my time washing dishes instead of enjoying the company of my guests. Or for when I've worked all day and don't want to be bothered with cleaning up dishes. Or when I'm sick and can't do the dishes. Same for the paper plates. However, I do buy the really good paper plates. I don't want to clean the roast out of the carpet.

Metal bed frames? Uh... all bed frames are metal... unless you mean the decorative part, which generally come in a variety of styles and materials. Metal is quite durable and you can change the color of it when you get bored. As for sterile... well, that is where the accessories come in... they call it decorating. Still, I much prefer metal to plastic. Longer life, less waste. Personally, I have a wood frame bed and I find that a wooden frame will break a toe just as well as a metal one. The knee bruises look the same also.

The freebie cups are not for the grown-ups. They're for the kids and annoying house guests. I don't want either of them to break the good stuff.

Mismatched sheets... have you actually bought sheets? Those things cost the earth! You don't throw one away if part of the set wears out. You find ways to use it... like on the futon...

The futon? That's for annoying house guests who take exception to my decorating choices.

A Day at a Time

For anyone following along, you know that I've survived death and learned to breathe underwater. It took a long time. And some days, I flounder, choke on my tears.

When you lose someone you love, you do not get over it. It doesn't get better. You survive it and you learn to breathe underwater. I still think about him every single day. At least once a day. Sometimes several times in a few minutes.

I still can't watch certain shows, hear certain music, read certain books, or go to certain places. I'm crippled in more ways than one by his death. But I keep breathing. In. Out. In. Out. I don't know what else to do. It hurts. That doesn't stop either. You just learn to work through the pain and avoid the things that make you notice it.

This week my nephew signed his divorce papers and has been having trouble breathing. I was so upset for him. I wanted to help him but I can't. His heart is broke, and he doesn't know what he's supposed to do now. I know this because the loss of a person you love has the same effect on you when they die. And when you love, it just doesn't go away because you throw dirt on someone or you sign a paper. You don't just get over it.

I'm thankful that Jerry loved me until the day he died. He said he would, and he kept that promise. I have survived seven years without Jerry. I haven't lived a darker time in my life. I haven't lived a more painful time. I haven't gotten over it. I just learned to get through it. One day at a time.

Vanished Into the Dark

Tomorrow will be the 29th. Seven years ago tomorrow my whole world turned upside down. Every day I stare at this tableau there is a stab of pain and a flood of memories.

This morning I was wondering this morning how I was going to address tomorrow. Since 2009 I can't approach January 29 as if it were any other day. I remember the first few years the number 29 drove me crazy. Every time the number came up in any context I experienced anxiety.  That faded eventually but the day is still a difficult day to approach.

In fact, beginning January 29, 2009, every major holiday and special occasion has been painful. Starting in August, with Jerry's birthday, until February there are six days that have nearly wrecked me: his birthday on August 6th, Thanksgiving, Christmas, our wedding anniversary on January 11th, his death on the 29th, and Valentine's Day. For nearly half the year, since 2009, I've clinched my teeth, straightened my spine, and struggled not to think about Jerry not being here. I rarely succeeded in being stoic. Each month I'd have at least one day where I just fell apart.

This year, I totally forgot Jerry's birthday. I was stunned and upset with myself the day after when I realized it. Sarah and I were sick. I always take flowers but I forgot him. In November, I was away from home for the holiday and things were very busy and filled with people I love so I didn't brood over Thanksgivings Past. Christmas the house was bulging for three weeks. More people I love, my family and some friends, filled the house up and there was no time to really brood over anything but the lack of time alone, which they gave me at intervals. It is probably the first time since he died that I didn't feel bereft or make myself sick crying. With so much coming and going, there were few opportunities to wallow in self-pity. You know there's folks who think that way after 7 years. There were people who thought that way after the first 6 months.

But tomorrow is the 29th. Today there is a pressure in my chest and a sadness hangs over me. I'm not distraught. I'm not prostrate. I don't feel like crying. There is this heaviness in my gut and I feel as if I have lost something, and I need to get up and look for it. Maybe tomorrow I'll find it?

I should go to the cemetery. I should take flowers. I should tell him I haven't really forgotten, that every day, at some point, I see him, hear him, and feel him. Sometimes only for a moment, sometimes for hours. I should remind him that when I see his picture, sitting there on that shelf, a flood of memories rushes over me. They're funny, happy, silly, angry, and sad all at once.

And sometimes, I get angry because he's not here. He left me with an upside down world and no one to help me clean up the mess. I have to figure out everything myself. I have to take care of every problem alone. If I get afraid, there is no one to hold my hand or wrap me in strong arms. No one to tell me everything is going to be fine. No one to fix the car, the toilet leak, the floor, or take out the trash.

Tomorrow is the 29th. Perhaps, the wheels will begin to turn again and the world will right itself. No. No, it won't. Because it is the 29th and on that day, I died, too. I won't find the things I've lost. Who I am now is not who I was on January 29, 2009. Everything I was and was supposed to be was gone in a moment. I watched it vanish into the dark. Maybe that is why it still feels like I've lost something. I didn't lose Jerry. I lost me.

I love you, Jerry Maddox. I'll always love you.

Some Words Fix Everything

I don't know what we were talking about tonight at supper but something was said about someone taking care of someone. I made the comment that Jerry always took care of me but I didn't have him to do that anymore.

Sarah looked at me and said, "I'm doing that now, Mawmaw."

I said, "What?"

She said, "I'm taking care of you now."

What can you say? Some days life on the ledge is bearable.

Hump Day Happenings

Unhappy Start to a New Year

I can't believe the last week. I've had the most miserable week. Pain just slammed me with the weather front that pushed through. Joints, skin, muscles all felt as if I'd been a punching bag for Cassius Clay. Google that and you'll be surprised. I couldn't think because I had a terrible headache for 24 hrs. I am walking in a fog, probably a fibro fog.

This was made all the more frustrating because I had promised myself  I would try and focus less on whining and complaining this year. I don't make resolutions. There is a post somewhere about that. Might be in Life on the Ledge. Anyway, I told myself I'd try and be more positive or not post so many negative things. So naturally, things just went south.

Then today happened. I woke up with the idea I'd do some things around the house and maybe write. In one hour I was basically a zombie. I couldn't think. My brain felt like mush and I was so tired I thought I was going to fall out. Yes, I slept fine. The machine worked. But something is wrong.

I lay down around 1 p.m. I think and dozed. I felt a bit better. As the day wore on, I still was more or less useless. Then Sarah and I got stomach problems. She threw up. I had Montezuma's revenge. No idea what caused all that. I am still tired and about to get my shower and turn in. Maybe tomorrow will be better. We get to sleep in because schools are on a two-hour delay. So, we can sleep until 8:30. Yay!

I've been getting used to the new laptop, Blue. I miss Red but one must move on. I'm ready now to do some writing. If my brain will comply.And I'd like to finish the two books I'm reading. So much to do and I feel awful.

Nite Nite.