A Sunshine Fix

Just got back home. I had a lunch date today and decided to keep it. I'm tired but the day is pretty and warm and so it was probably a good idea to go out. After lunch I stopped at Sears to get Sarah some sandals and summer dresses and then had to go back to the bank because they needed a document they gave me in error. So, I was gone about three hours.

I just feel tired. Not as overwhelmed as I've been for the last 5 days and certainly not collapse in the floor exhaustion I had until today. But tired. I didn't get as much sleep last night but it doesn't seem to have made things worse. I'm going to be watching the sleep a bit more consistently. Tonight I have to go to bed before 10 p.m.

I'm also going to limit my internet activities. I'm not sure but I'm probably going to either limit time or days when I will allow myself to be actually online for anything other than responding to email. I've been canceling subscriptions for a few days now and will continue to do that. My goal is to cut down on my online presence. Probably as difficult as losing weight but it can be done. Most of my writing these days is done here. I don't expect the writing to stop. It keeps me sane and allows me to decompress some of the stress that is killing me. Anyway, those are the plans. It feels right.

Now, I'm going off again and read something. Just getting into the sunlight is a plus so I may sit on the porch and read if I can find a comfy chair. My neck is still uncomfortable and that's a fibro trigger point. When that stops hurting, nearly everything else stops hurting.

Thanks for the supportive comments in the blog posts. I'm not the most cheerful person to read these days. The fact that you did speaks volumes for your fortitude and character. Bless you.

Wanted: A Mountain Cabin & Two Bad Dogs

The vampires have been sated. They took about five vials of blood. I followed doctor's instruction and simply got up, dressed, and went. I hurt everywhere. It is astounding because I have not hurt this much in years. But I've given my blood to find out what is wrong. I hope that is enough sacrifice.

I actually had trouble sleeping. I took my medicine but drinking coffee apparently has a counter effect. Go figure. I wanted coffee. (See below.)

I've spent most of my time off reading and unsubscribing from things. I'm eliminating the excess baggage. It is time to eliminate the things that are counterproductive to my well-being. This morning I've been praying for insight to that end. Maybe everything should go and I should start over with more positive pursuits. After reading up on this adrenal fatigue, there is some hope to correct at least some of the physical problems. Clearing out one's life can be healthy. I always liked it when the Army moved us. I loved starting over with new friends, places to see, and things to do. It was like a second chance every 4 years. That's very liberating. 

I went through a period of wanting to throw away everything after Jerry died. Every three months for a year I did a stem to stern cleaning and hauled out truckloads of junk. I was horrified at the piles. I have photos to prove it. I am feeling that same need now. The junk isn't all material but is junk nonetheless. I'm hoping tomorrow will dawn sunny and warm and there won't be a lot of pain and I can clean some junk out of the house, the material stuff. My problem will be that I'm only good for about 4 hours before I crash and burn and for the rest of the day I may only be fully functional for about three hours total, and not consecutively. 

I looked up Adrenal fatigue. I never heard of it. Thanks to my friend, Nancy, I know a bit about Cushing's Disease but not adrenal fatigue, which is not Cushing's but both are caused by problems with the levels of the adrenal hormone, cortisol. And apparently they both wreak havoc on the body. Here's a list regarding adrenal fatigue I found on a site called Women to Women. They are eerily familiar.

Symptoms and health risk of sustained cortisol levels:

• Lightheadness & salt craving
• Fatigue and weakness
• Suppression of the immune system
• Muscle and bone loss
• Moodiness or depression
• Skin problems
• Hair loss
• Autoimmune disorders
• Insulin resistance
• Thyroid imbalance
• Weight gain
• Insomnia
• Aches and pains from inflammation
• Lower sex drive

Sustained high cortisol levels are dangerous because they:

• Slow down healing and normal cell regeneration.
• Co-opt parent molecules needed to make other vital hormones
• Impair digestion, metabolism and mental function
• Interfere with healthy endocrine function
• Weaken your immune system

There are apparently things I can do. They tell you and basically the same thing my doctor told me is what I have to do. 

• Avoid gluten — a protein that many women with adrenal imbalance may be sensitive to.
• Eat adequate protein at every meal — important for energy and stamina.
• Eat within an hour of waking — helps restore healthy blood sugar levels.
• Eat healthy fats.
• Eliminate all "white" food – refined sugar, flour, and grains, at least temporarily.

Now, I just have to get the blood work results and see what's really going on. But based on what I've read this is what fits all the problems I am experiencing.

Oh... and I have to avoid all the things I'm dealing with in my life...

Things that make demands on the adrenal glands:

• Lack of sleep
• Work stress
• Personality conflicts
• Yo-yo dieting
• Relationship turmoil
• Reliance on stimulants like caffeine and carbs
• Digestive problems
• Too much exercise
• Illness, infection or surgery
• Unresolved emotional issues
• Overwhelming responsibilities at home

Yeah, that's gonna be easy. I'd get me to a nunnery but I'm not Catholic. But a cabin in the mountains has always had an appeal. I used to tell Jerry that we'd retire to one. There'd be one road in and one road out and a couple of very bad dogs roaming the woods. The image is always in the back of my mind. 

I have to go now. Just had a dizzy spell and feel sick. I've been up since 7 a.m. and it is nearly 11 a.m. now. That's 4 hours. Right on target.

My heartfelt thanks go out to all those praying friends who have responded to my requests for prayer. I've made many this week. Despite all the medical knowledge in the world, I know where the only solution to any problem lies. When I can't help myself, I know He does. 

Skewed Plans

Ah... no lunch as planned. Bank got the docs early and I went in to sign them. Closing done and all debts consolidated. So... I can get laid off without fearing a total disaster... well, a much smaller one than previously anticipated anyway.

I have a good doctor. She's really good and thorough. I have to be at the lab before 8 tomorrow for blood work. She's checking me for Epstein-Barr, adrenal hormone levels, DHTC(?), and something else but etc, etc, etc. She thinks is is possible that the steroids they put me on may have led to this problem... whatever it is. Apparently, they can mess with your adrenal hormones and cause you system to go wonky. I'd say it is wonky. The ears.. didn't look quite right so maybe a sinus/allergy issue. 

So, I visit the vampires in the morning... before daylight, of course. 

She told me just because she didn't know what was wrong didn't mean something wasn't wrong. 

My doctor is wrapped very tightly but she has these flashes of humor that surprise me. I suspect outside the office she's very funny. I suspect the emotional distance may be just her way of  remaining professional. By the time I was done, I didn't feel I was going crazy and she gave me a website to check out to make me laugh. LOL, really.

It is a relief just to not feel I'm crazy or over reacting or causing this.

On an odd note... she talked about my last blood work... two test they do for the sedimentation rate in the blood to detect RA... they had different results. One positive  but not really high and the other was normal. I was surprised and asked her, What does that mean!"? She said, "Good question." She's not the doctor treating me for RA. However, if I lose my job she may very well be. But one was not very high and the other was normal? 

I'm home now... feeling lousy for the most part but at least I'll have fewer bills this month. And I have three more days off. 

Plethora of Miscellany

I'm home today. I took two vacation days off from work because I haven't got enough time to be sick. I'm still sick. But I did sleep until nearly 9 today. I'm going to lunch in a minute.

I'm considering job hunting. I need to call around some places first and see how that's going to hit me financially. It will be a huge drop in income. And benefits. I've got 5 weeks of vacation a year, 14 paid holidays, 2 personal days a year, and 2 weeks sick time per year. I will lose all that and take probably a 50% pay cut. Not to mention, a retirement plan that they pay 8% a year on. I really need this job but this job is a good chunk of the problem. And it is going to get worse with staff cuts.

Here's what we think is happening. We believe they are trying to force people out so they can restructure the jobs with less benefits, less pay, and fewer people. In a this kind of job, if all staff in one job leave, they can re-post those jobs for less money and benefits. Our agency is a high performer in with HUD. This means we're never late on our submissions to HUD. That's what you want to be. However, if you cut staff, your ability to stay at the high levels decreases exponentially. During a recent meeting with the ED, I specifically asked what happens if we're so short staffed we can't continue as a high performer. I pointed out with the promised cuts in staff, that would probably happen. The ED said, HUD would step in and administer the program. That means everyone in my department would be gone completely. HUD would come in, take over, at no cost to the agency, and then at some point, the agency could restructure the department and rehire at reduced administrative cost.

If you google corruption in federally assisted housing, you will find it is a highly abused program. Across the nation agencies are consistently misusing funds and those in charge are frequently the culprit.. This is to the determent of those receiving the assistance as well as the people employed. Having worked in the industry for 15 years, I can tell you, fraud is not that hard to detect if there are checks in place to flag it. But honestly, it is an easy system to manipulate if no one watches.  Here's a HUD report of how prevalent the problem is. http://www.coburn.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?a=Files.Serve&File_id=641349c1-4667-4c9b-9bf9-1ec5b52ccd5d

And past scandals abound: http://www.downsizinggovernment.org/hud/scandals

So, maybe it is time for me to consider something else. I would so miss the luxury of all that time off. I'd be working more for less. I don't know if I can do that. Not anymore.


I'm still having trouble with exhaustion, dizziness, headache, muscle pain, joint pain, ringing in my ears, and anxiety. I've been going to bed 9-9:30 nearly every night. I sleep. I'm better the first four hours of the morning and then I come crashing down. I may have a few hours in the afternoon when I feel o.k. but I generally get very sick in the afternoon.

This has been going on for a month now, progressively worse. This week... on Sunday I told the boys I felt like I was dying. They weren't happy with the assessment. I'm not thrilled either.

So, what to do. Nothing. If it is fibro, there's nothing they can do. It is RA, there's nothing they can do. I see my RA doctor in two weeks. I called my primary and they'll see me today at 2:15 but I'm suppose to go to the bank at 3:30 and close on my house! We'll see.

Did I mention I went to the Y with Dave on Tuesday night? I managed 30 minutes on a bike. I had leg cramps that night and the Wednesday. No, I didn't use resistance. I just got on and peddled at a leisurely pace while reading.

I am hoping to get my head clear enough to writing some over the weekend. I simply don't know. It has been such a nightmare for weeks trying to do anything.

Now for lunch. I should have time to go grab a salad before my doctor's appointment around 2. I can sit and read for a bit maybe. I'm already feeling tired and I've done nothing.

Drowning

I'm living some kind of nightmare. Really. I am so sick and I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel as if I've been forced march through hell. I'm tired, more tired than I can ever remember being. I walk from one end of the building to the other and have to sit down when I get back to my office and can barely think straight. I can't concentrate at all.  I have no idea what is causing it.

No, I haven't  been to the doctor. They were both on spring break. No, I did not consider the ER. My ER copay is $100 plus 10% of the bill. Do you know what the ER is costing these days? About $15,000. Ain't happenin'.

I went to bed at 9:30 last night. The night before at 10:30. Tonight... soon.Nothing I do seems to help. And it comes on in waves. I seem fine when suddenly I'm hit with this wave of total ... exhaustion doesn't begin to describe it. I've had dizziness. My neck hurts. My head hurts now and then, but it usually does when I have neck pain. I just want to lie down and my stress level from all this is making me an emotional wreck.

 I have a doctor's appt in two weeks but I'm not sure it will matter. They never find anything they can do. And I get tired of going to hear the same thing.

I'm drowning in this.