Nite, Nite

I'm going to bed. My stomach is just not happy and ergo, me neither. I went to supper with Mike thinking food was the answer for the headache and tummy ache. I'd have very little to eat all day so seemed a logical idea. On my return, with no relief in sight, I lay on the sofa and watched television for about 2 hours hoping the turmoil would settle down. It hasn't. So, the only thing left is sleep.

I have to get up and get my license plate renewed... expired a month ago. God must have been watching out for me. I've not been stopped or ticketed. Now, if I can slip to the license bureau unnoticed....

Then, need to cut the grass and trim the weeds. Got to buy a weed trimmer for that. So much for saving money this month.

So, till tomorrow.

I'm. . . uh. . . Better?

I don't think so.

The headache is hanging on and I feel really bad. I slept all afternoon when I got home. Got up at 5:30 p.m. and went back to bed about 11:30 p.m and slept all night. I woke at 5 a.m. this morning but stayed in bed and went back to sleep for another two hours. So, I think it is fair to say I am not sleepy. Well, I shouldn't be but maybe just a bit. I think I could sleep if I could lie down and I wish I could lie down.

My night was uneventful because I watched Hulu and played games until I was no more than a mindless lump. My head just hurt so much I couldn't think. I just feel yucky today. Neck is hurting, and that is probably because of the headache. I'm going to get something to drink and maybe some yogurt for lunch to see if that will help. I really would like to lie down again. Mike is coming and I'll let him drive so I don't have to deal with seeing.

I don't want to have to take an Imitrex. I haven't had one in months. Actually, I don't know if it would help. It isn't a migraine kind of headache. It is right in the front of my head and in my neck. That is more like an allergy or bug of some kind. So, I'm taking an allergy pill now and see if that works.

I'll try to pop back in when I'm really better.

Achy, Breaky...Something Icky

I came home from work early today. Left at 2 p.m. I've felt bad all day. Achy shoulder, headache, calves hurt, feet hurt. Now a crampy stomach and diarrhea. Actually, I realized this afternoon that I've had a grumbly stomach for a couple of days. I kept thinking I was hungry but eating didn't help and I kept telling myself I wasn't hungry!

So, I've just had some green tea and thought I'd drop a post in here.

I got a subpoena at work today. One of the clients is taking his landlord to court. I hate it when that happens. Thankfully it is the week after I come back from vacation! I was really concerned because I'm going on a trip between the 12th and 19th. When they told me I had a subpoena in my box I thought, "Oh no!" I was relieved to see it said September 23rd.

I'm going to stop here. Got to make a little trip and I think I want to lie down. I shouldn't be tired but I am.

Taking Tests

I was browsing Cassandra's blog and links and found an interesting quiz. Sometimes these things are uncanny but other's I can't really see.

Your Soul is Searching

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life. You are not a very grounded person. You prefer dreams to reality. For you, it's all about possibilities. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is in a very different place (both physically and mentally) from where you are right now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

You Are Fantasy / Sci Fi

You have an amazing imagination, and in your mind, all things are possible. You are open minded, and you find the future exciting. You crave novelty and progress. Compared to most people, you are quirky and even a bit eccentric. You have some wacky ideas. And while you may be a bit off the wall, there's no denying how insightful and creative you are.

What Kind of Book Are You?

Oh, this next one is very interesting and too close to the mark!

You Are Original and Innovative

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Do You Know What Time It Is?

Can anyone tell me what time it is getting to be? If you guessed NaNoWriMo, you would be a winner!

Yes, my dear friends, you will all be subject once again to my angst and excitement over National November Novel Writing Month. As you devoted readers will remember it is 50,000 words in 30 days beginning 12:01 a.m. November 1 and ending at midnight on November 30.

Despite my lack of focus and my inability to think logically I am going to attempt to invent a story of at least 50,000 words. This year will be my fourth year participating and I hope it will be a third win. I'm give it my best. The fun of the forums awaits as well.

They issued the badges early this year. Perhaps to generate more interest. I would have to say if you are even a little bit of a writer you should try this. It is a lot of fun and you meet some great people. And the writing practice is truly wonderful. Working under such a tight deadline forces you to actually write! LOL, fast!

My friend, Cassandra C. is a friend from NaNo. Please drop by her blog and encourage her and keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I just found that she has been going through some very difficult things this past year. For one thing, they have found a tumor on her optic nerve. I knew about some of the difficulties she'd had but not that particular one. I do not know if she will try NaNo but I wouldn't be surprised. She seems to be one of those who will keep trying. My hat is off to her.

I've been both busy and very tired these last few days and have just not wanted to post anything. I'm going to be buying my ticket for my get-away in September. More on that later.

I'm also going to make myself order that laptop I've had my eye on. I keep putting it off but I think that will be my birthday present to myself this year. October is a little way off but an early present is not a bad thing.

I had a cleaning lady in yesterday. My daughter-in-law's mother absolutely loves to clean. And folks, she is a whiz! If cleaning has a mother, Sue is it! At the moment she is laid off for a few days and I requested her services. After I got home, when I opened my storm door so I could unlock the front door, I could smell my house. When I opened the door it felt like a weight had been lifted. Everything was dusted, swept, vacuumed, mopped, and put away. I was thrilled. Mind you, it wasn't very dirty to start with but I just knew it needed a thorough job of it.

And now I'm going to find a show to watch and then to bed. I've been so tired and I'm taking my medicines a bit earlier so I get sleepy earlier. May have to adjust that if I'm to get anything done.

OAK PARK CHURCH - Atlanta, GA

Link - Oak Park Church Podcast

My cousin sent me the above link to his (and my aunt's) church website so I could listen to their podcasts of services. I've visited their church several times and always enjoy it.

I didn't go to church on Sunday night but I did listen to their Sunday service.The worship service and preaching is on the podcast and you can drag the button ahead to get to the preaching sooner if you aren't into worship music.I am so I listened to the whole thing.

Tonight, I listened to last Wednesday night's Bible study. I agree with my aunt that her pastor is good. Grammy, this might be right up your alley as you obviously love the Word. This Wednesday night service was very good.

I've found podcasts to be rather interesting. You can get all kinds of stuff on podcast and many websites now have them. For people who may not be able to get out for health or mobility reasons, this is really be a great idea.

I'm not blogging much tonight. I'm considering going to bed early. My Monday was about a boring as it gets and that is never good. Means all the really crazy people will show up on Friday with catastrophic problems.

Maybe I'll watch something on Hulu....

The Sound of Memories

I watched a commercial today that I posted on my site and the music soundtrack they used is a song that Jerry and I really loved. When we were newly married the Bellamy brothers were a big hit. We liked them. The song you hear now is one of our favorites. I had to listen to it several times and then it just blew me away.

I remembered that when our favorite oldies songs would be playing around here I'd often get up and dance around the room while he would just laugh, smile and shake his head. Sometimes I could coax him onto his feet to dance with me but he was all long arms and long legs and had never really learned to dance.Well, neither did I. I just expressed my happiness that way.He was a good Baptist boy when I married him and I was a good Pentecostal girl and one thing we had in common was we didn't dance! LOL!

But I did dance, sometimes, when I was happy I danced and even sang loudly. And he had danced with a few girls in his dating days. But neither of us was a Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers. But at home, when we were having a goofy day, I might jump up and start dancing and I'd drag him on his feet so we could dance together and then we would collapse into a chair laughing at how silly we looked. To bad dancers having a good time.

And then, after the song ended, I found that memory is often an enemy with knives. All I want is to dance with Jerry to the Bellamy brothers singing Let Your Love Flow. All I can do is close my eyes and watch.

Sunday, Sunday

I'm on my way out to church but stopped because the coffee is still hot. As you all know, Sunday is the worst day of the week for me. Sunday was the day we would go to church together, have lunch and then, he'd have to go to work. But we'd have those few hours to see one another. So, by late afternoon,I've had enough.

I've been thinking that I need to change the routine and go on Saturday nights. My church has services Saturday night, Sunday morning, and Sunday night. I could go on Saturday nights but I seem to be so tired after doing stuff around here all day that I can't ever get there.

I do have an energy level problem and I don't know how I'm going to fix that unless the fibromyalgia gets fixed. I'm tired most of the time and after work of any kind I seem to just run down. Or maybe it is just here, at home I have the problem. I'll have to evaluate that idea and see if it is true.

The day looks beautiful outside but it is already 79 degrees Fahrenheit at 9:04 a.m. That is warm.

So, it is out the door now!

Access Hulu.com From Anywhere

Link

Every once in a while I mention watching television shows and movies for free on Hulu.com. If you are not in the US, you probably can't watch these programs. However, I ran across a work around on a tech site that I used now and then. It is a good site to learn a lot of things but here is a video where he shows you a way to watch HULU outside of the US.

Now, you computer geeks will know that there are other applications to this hack but I'm only telling talking about the ability to watch videos on HULU.

Follow-up

It is late and I won't be long at this. I am glad tomorrow is Friday! I've been tired all week, it seems. At least, I'm sleeping but it seem that isn't enough.

I talked with Roselynn tonight and she was very excited about her job and school starting. I'm glad she is doing this. There is a family situation brewing that has serious potential of chaos but it is a situation we have no real control over and so have decided to let the powers that be deal with it. Not our problem... yet. LOL! If she wants to relate what is going on she can but let's say that our family is not without truck loads of drama.

I truly would like to be able to get up and get loads of things done on Saturday. We will see. My energy just doesn't hold out too well. By Saturday I am so worn out that all I want to do is read with my feet up.

I am headed for bed now. I hope everyone will have a great weekend. I would like it to be a nice one here.

New Priest's Ideas

It was my first laugh of the day and I think it should be shared.


The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,
"It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with
plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The
front of the church always fills first now." The young
priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told
me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young
people back to church, so I supported you when you brought
in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are
consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am
pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the
elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the
drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions
and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that.
But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell,'
cannot stay on the church roof."

Purpose

I think we have this image of the death of a spouse and subsequent widowhood as some romantically gentle thing where the widow wears lacy black dresses and carries these dainty hankies and has all these caring people holding her hand and surrounding her with love and attention. She is buoyed up by friends and family. Her every move is monitored to be sure she is holding up. Someone is knocking on the door, calling on the phone, sending letters and cards.

That reality couldn't be further from the truth. None of that happens. She sits alone in the house she shared with her husband. She does laundry for one, prepares meals for one, sleeps alone, listens to silence, and stares at photographs of their life. She finds some trivial pursuit to occupy her mind so she won't think about it anymore. The door is locked and no one knocks. The phone only rings when those who actually love her call. There are no cards and letters. No one holds her hands, no one caters to her at all. She becomes a pariah, an outcast.

Places they went together, she can't go alone. It hurts to go there and the people they knew avoid her anyway. Places she'd like to go that would be less painful or provide some interest she can't go alone.

Jilly said something after my last post that set me thinking about why I am sharing all this. "I know when I read your words and listen to what you are saying that there are messages there for me. I have tried to change certain things because of stuff that you have said."

I knew in my head why I am so vocal in this blog about what I am experiencing. I have hesitated at times to be so vocal but as I pointed out in the last post I feel better when I get it all out. Jilly saw the other reason. The other reason I elected to keep this open is because someday, some of you will be where I am. You will wear my shoes and eat at my table. You need to know now what is important. You can't afford to wait until you have the plate set before you to discover that the meal is unpalatable.

If only one good thing comes from what I am living I hope it is that someone will be changed in ways I was not before this happened. So much of what we do is done without realizing any long term effects. Remember the Butterfly Effect. It is the theory that the fluttering of a butterfly's wings in China can spawn, weeks later, a hurricane in the Atlantic. What you do and say has far reaching consequences. You will not see the results today, maybe not tomorrow, or even for several years. But at some point, your actions or lack of action will be seen and felt. And the results may be devastating.

You know, it is the things we didn't say to one another that drive me crazy. The things we should have talked about, things that needed to be resolved, and the things I should have done are the weights I carry now. I have to learn to live with the would haves, should haves, and the could haves. They are as sharp as swords that slash out at unexpected moments or as I turn a corner. They are a thousand paper cuts to the soul. I can't escape. I have to learn to live with these. Perhaps that is what it is like for anyone in this place. I don't know. I never bothered to find out.

So, I'm telling you.

Stop talking at one another and really look at each other. Listen to what is not being said as well as what is heard. Ask questions you are uncomfortable asking. Be kind in the face of frustration, anger, and despair. Be loving, even when the person is unloving. Be considerate even when you feel taken advantage of. Even when you own pain is overwhelming, try and see what is happening to the people around you. Say what is in your heart, not what is on your mind. For God's sake, put your hands out, extend your arms and prop someone up so they can stand just a bit longer.

If you can't see a purpose to any of it, then make a purpose. Tomorrow one of you may not wake up.

Truth in Action

Someone sent me this a week or so ago and it is worth sharing.


While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.

After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down, he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gait to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak....

"When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50-odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me.... the only thing that would comfort was this verse........ ....

"Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
we are weak but He is strong......
Yes, Jesus loves me.....
The Bible tells me so."

When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.

A pastor once stated, "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best."

"Senior version of Jesus Loves Me"

Here is a new version just for us who have white hair or no hair at all. For us over middle age (or even those almost there) and all you others, check out this newest version of Jesus Loves Me...

JESUS LOVES ME

Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..
YES, JESUS LOVES ME, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go
On through life, let come what may,
He'll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS)

When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song..
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."
(CHORUS)

When my work on earth is done,
And life's victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love.
(CHORUS)

I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say ,
That I love Him every day.
(CHORUS)

A footnote to this story is one of my own: Riley Robinson was well known to my grandparents in his youth to party but he eventually came to God and married a girl late in his life. When I was a 14, he was a tiny, shriveled old man nearing his ninties, his voice failing. Every testimony service he stood and no matter what else he said during that testimony, he repeated this phrase every single time in as loud a voice as he could muster. As long as I live I will see that shakey arm raised, hand twisted by arthritis and hear his quavering voice shout: "Thank God for Jesus!". He never wavered. I will never forget him.

A Summer Storm

I woke up tired. Isn't that crazy? I went to bed about midnight I think after hours of watching HULU t.v. shows. I went to sleep very quickly and slept all night But I'm tired. The sunny Monday has ended in a stormy night.

I'm sorry if my post yesterday upset anyone or caused you to worry. They told me to write what I was feeling and what was happening to me during this process. Sometimes, it is all I can do or I'd be in a corner pulling my hair out.

One of my friends came on and chatted with me last night and apologized for not "being a good friend". I was shocked because I talk to her at least two or three times a week online! Alice's sister died a couple of years ago and she understands a lot of what I'm dealing with and she has been very good to keep in touch. But she does live 4 hours away.

We don't actually "know" each other on sight but I believe we've become friends in the more than three years we've been conversing and she's been reading my novel. Still, I don't expect her to be able to run over to pat me on the head. It is enough that she talks to me and she makes me laugh. It helps that she actually cares and says so.

It is the same with all of you who have stopped by here to leave notes, send emails, PM's and the like. You may not feel you are helping but really, even though I know what I write is often excruciating to read, you still show up and you still leave a note just saying you're here and holding my cyber hands. There are times when that is all I have had.

Realistically, I know there is no one who can walk me through this. I know there is nothing anyone can say but sometimes listening is all that is required. Sometimes we just need to be able to lean against something until we get our feet back under us. In this place, where I live, you learn that talking is not always possible but something to cling to may be the thing that saves you. A lifeline in a storm requires no words.

I met with Dan, the counselor today. First time in a month. He asked again how I was and I was at a loss. I don't know. I'm fine. I'm o.k. Finally, foundering, I pulled out the copy of yesterday's post, saying, "I knew you would ask me so I brought this." I read it to him. Honestly, even I was scorched by the words and they were where I was yesterday. I'm still there today but the intensity of it is gone. I feel better because I lanced the wound.

What did he say? "Wow." He agreed I probably felt better because I got it out of me.

He asked me why I made my journal public. Did I want people to see it?

I told him I had considered keeping it private but had decided that people should, no needed to know what this is like. They need to know it is not a joke. It is not an exaggeration. It is not a bid for attention. It is not melodrama. It is raw, gut-wrenching pain that hits you over and over and over and when you think it is finished, it blindsides you all over again. And you sit in your house alone and there is no one to call, no one to sit with you, no one to hold your hand. You scream at walls and ceiling and pull your hair and beat your pillow with your fists. You demand an explanation from the silence that has built around you like stone walls. You tear at the stones to get at the truth only to find that there is only that darkness on the other side. Dark, dark, deafening silence.

People should know that the next grief stricken person you meet is very likely living this. They may smile or laugh at your joke but when they walk away, they are stabbed with a memory that sends them reeling. You need to know that their pain is real and you may be the only person between them and the darkness that threatens to swallow them up.

I told him I was tired of not saying what I felt, of sparing other people's feelings when mine were raw meat. I told him I had learned a lot about compassion and about people since Jerry died, particularly people who have "ministries". What I've learned is disappointing to me and is not pretty for them.

I am tired of people who are uncomfortable with my grief. We are supposed to feel and we are supposed to feel for other people. We all, I include myself, spend enormous amounts of time trying to avoid knowing about other people's pain. We don't want to talk about it, acknowledge they are hurt. We make the excuse that "Oh, I don't want to upset them!"

Bovine excrement! That's the nicest way to put it even though the impact would be greater with the courser phrase.

We don't want to be burdened with caring or put to the trouble of holding someone's hand while they fall apart. Think about it. If I say I care and they reach out to me, the burden is then on me to respond with an action. I might have to do something! Or even worse... I'll have to actually feel something human! If I avoid them and say nothing, maybe they'll know I care and just let me live my life with nothing required of me. Let's not make me uncomfortable! I'll just pray for them! That'll do the trick!

Yes, that's pretty much the gist of what I told him. He listens well. Then it started to storm and I smiled and told him I loved storms. He asked me why. I said they make me feel good.

He told me that wasn't an answer. What about storms did I like? What did they make me feel? I told him I liked the thunder and lightening. No, what was it about a storm that made me feel good... why did it make me feel good. I said I didn't know. I liked them. They were awesome. I liked the earthshaking, blinding lightening, pouring rain storms. The kind that shake everything. He smiled then.

I told him about a trip we took years ago in a terrific storm. There is a post called Out Running the Storm that relates that night. He insisted that I need to figure out what it was about a storm that I liked. What was it about the storms that made me feel good. I couldn't tell him.

He told me I spend a lot of time in my head. Yes, I laughed too. It means I don't talk about what I'm feeling. That's true. But I write it very well. Even Alice told me that... for free! Why? I have an ability to write what I feel because there is no barrier there. I let the barriers down in my writing. I need, apparently, to find a way to talk about what I feel and why. He asked again, "So, what is it about thunderstorms that make you feel good? Why? Is it spiritual or emotional or what?"

I looked at him, laughed and finally said, "I don't know. No one has ever asked me that specific question. When I say I love storms everyone always just looks at me and tells me I'm crazy." I told him I would sit in an open field in a thunderstorm if it wasn't dangerous but that I wasn't stupid. I told him I wanted to stop in that storm long ago and watch the lightening strikes all around us. Jerry said I was crazy and we didn't stop. I wish we had. He would have if I'd insisted. He'd do anything I wanted to do.

So, as I left Dan's office the question nagged at me all the way home. I can't answer the question. Somehow I figure it probably is important. I suspect it will reveal great truths about me. Or maybe I just love storms.....

The thunder has moved off now. I suppose the storm has gone with it. That's too bad. I should have gone out and stood under the awning and watched it.

I Can't Happen to who?

I won't post my opinion on this since I've already posted about this vaccine several times. This speaks for itself.

Just Another Day

I went to church this morning. It was freezing cold and I left after an hour with my shoulders and hands hurting. I had Mike wait to start the car so I could let the 90+ degrees seep into my bones. It took at least 15 minutes for the skin on my upper arms to actually feel warm to the touch. I didn't remember to take a shawl. I usually always take a sweater or shawl.

I came home and had lunch with my children... not all together. Mike first and then I took him home. When I got back Dave, Becca and Sarah were here and eating their lunch. Mike lives about 15 minutes away. I had a problem and had to go to bed. I took a bit of a nap and then Sarah and I played Starfall. We had not done it together in a long time. She plays with her mother and now can recognize all her letters and is learning to read the words.

They left and I've been trying to get through the rest of the day. It's hell.

On the way to take Mike home I saw a young man, probably late teens, get off a church bus and walk across the road carrying his Bible. I do not know why in that moment I saw Jerry but I did. I didn't get a good look at the boy. He was walking with a young woman and they were talking, he facing away. There was no resemblance to Jerry, except maybe the thick dark hair and the gait. But there was a rush of intense memories that began to roll through my mind and I was almost not able to drive. I got Mike home but when I got home I just had to go to bed. I've not been able to stop them. I tried watching a movie but an expression on the man's face in the movie sent me back over the percipice. I lay curled in a fetal position for about 20 minutes screaming in a pillow. God, how insane.

I was told by someone before Jerry died that I was a fighter. I don't know what he was seeing when he said it. But I'm tired of it. I've lost every battle. I've carried wounded off the field and doctored their wounds and got them back on their feet. I've urged others on and watched their victories. I've staggered along dragging myself because there was no one to carry me. But I'm tired. I'm bleeding to death and I stand in a barren wasteland in tatters, alone. No one carries me. No one binds my wounds. No one shoulders my burdens. I surrender. I don't want to fight anymore.

Don't tell me to pray or call someone or find some interest. I've done all that. I thought a while ago that perhaps I should pick up the phone and call some of the people I know and say, "Hi, I was just calling to check on you and see if you were wondering how I was?"

Someone called a while back and wanted me to try and comfort someone else who had lost their spouse. I wanted to laugh. I don't have any comfort to give. What do I say to her? "Honey don't expect anyone to give a tin whistle about you." "Don't expect to hear from your so called friends." "I hope you have family!" I told this person to make sure they call and call and call. They won't. . . unless they want something in return.

So, here I kneel on a stony field amidst the remains of 52 years of battles.... all lost. No victories here. No glory. No banners or parades. No cheers from the sidelines. Just broken bones and defeat. And today I lay down my weapons.

I remember weeping over my blog-friend, Jenn's blog where she described her loss of faith after the suicide of her 17 year-old daughter. I remember praying for her, hoping she could find herself again, find her faith and her desire to live. How very arrogant of me.

I realized today when you look death in the face, you don't see anything but darkness. There is no light in it. And you can't look away. It is so terrible that you are fixated by it. You see nothing but an empty blackness. Even your faith gets swallowed up in that blackness. Everything is sucked in and disappears.

In the worst times of my life I think I've held onto my faith. I've always believed God was listening and he cared. I've always loved him. I do not remember ever not. I want to believe I still do.

Today, I've asked all the questions I know to ask. I've prayed all the prayers I know to pray. I've said all the things I know to say. And the darkness echos.

Friday Sunshine

The day looks very pretty out but I hear it is to be in the 90's today and over the weekend. I'll probably be spending it indoors if that is the case. Those temps here in the pothole of Indiana mean bad air quality. I have a stuffy nose already this week and it seems worse today. One of the girls here in the office has been hacking around and sounding hoarse so it could be a summer cold I've caught. I hope not. They're yuk.

My neck is bothering me the last several days. I've been doing my stretches but not as faithfully. Distractions keep interfering and I forget. I need to get over the the YMCA and talk to them about signing up again.

I have put together a nice laptop at Dell.... but it is ridiculously expensive. But, it's only money, right? I'm a power freak and I figure if I buy system a bit more than standard it will take years to be obsolete. Worked for us so far. My computers generally last 8-10 years. I still have the Gateway we bought in 1999. LOL, I do want one to take with me when I'm away from the house. If I don't write now.... I never will. Time is slipping away so very fast. . . . . . . . . . .

Well, back to work. Lots to do before five.

The Longest Day

As you all know by now, today was Jerry's birthday. He would have been 60 had he not left us in January. He was so looking forward to being 60. He made jokes all the time about the senior citizen's discount and how he would qualify for so many things once he was 60. He wanted to be 60. Has any of us ever wanted to be 60?

The children have gone home for the evening. My sons, Mike and David, my daughter-in-law Becca and granddaughter Sarah came over. They said they felt I should not be alone tonight and were here when I got home. We had supper together, sandwiches, soda and chips. We just sat around a chatted and I read stories to Sarah while they went and got Blizzards and brought them home. No discussions of anything heavy. Now, I'm just tired.

Several of you have sent special messages to me today. I have two friends named Cassandra here on Multiply. Cassandra C. sent a special message while the newest Cassandra has taken me on a special virtual tour today of some exciting places. We've been to a nice historical bed and breakfast with an unlimited chocolate bar, a day spa for a nice relaxing massage before going to a Murder mystery dinner theater. All in virtual time. But what fun it has been "site seeing" with her. It is a unique gift she has and I am glad I added her this past week. My deepest thanks to both of the Cassandra's.

All of you have left me messages both on the posts and in PM's that have just been so good to read and know that special people thought of me today or said prayers for me. I wish so very much I could tell you each how much your friendships have come to mean. I liked you all from the beginning. I love you all now.

I also got a card from a young lady that used to go to my church. I don't think she planned it to arrive today but it did. It was very sweet. On the front it says "Embrace Life". I try... it doesn't hold the same appeal at the moment as it did. Perhaps later.

For now, I'm going to get a hot shower and get ready for bed. I may watch a movie if I can stay awake. Actually, I'm very tired tonight and just want to sleep. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday. The week has been far too long for me, and the end of the longest day is here.

Thank you, again, all my friends. I do not use the term lightly. I do hope I can be as good to you all as you have been to me.

Happy Birthday, Jerry!

August 6, 1949 Evelyn and Gordon Maddox gave birth to a son, Jerry, at Andalusia Hospital in Andalusia, Alabama.

I would give him life today. . . if I could.

Urgent Prayer Request for My Pastor

Please put my pastor Willard Clement on your prayer list tonight! He had heart surgery last week, as I mentioned but he also has bronchitis. He has coughed so much he's pulled some things loose and has to go back tomorrow to the hospital. There is fluid around his heart.

Please lift this wonderful man of God up in prayer tonight and tomorrow. Our church needs our pastor!