A Day in Wet Trenches

All's quiet on the front, but we're still hunkered in the trenches for the duration. Rain came in the night and soaked my patch of ground. We're sick of rations, sick of the quiet, sick of looking at one another. The occasional potshot is not enough to keep us interested. We have seen the enemy. He is us. 

Sorry, that's how bad it is around here. I got a bit carried away, I guess, but it was working for me.

I woke at 6:30 this morning, and it was pouring down rain. I could get up with minimal pain in my back but it feels as if the shooting pains in my legs are flaring up, not full force, but it's a kind of "I'm waiting!" sensation. 

Mike came and took me to the lab for blood work. He can drop me at the door and save me a very long and painful walk from the parking lot. It's agony the couple of times I've done it prior to my shots. Even from the lab to the lobby was mildly uncomfortable in my hip region today.

I don't like bloodwork. Really. For me, it is the phlebotomist fishing expedition. They can't find the veins and have to dig around. Then, they start over in the other arm or a new spot. Same progress. In the event they find a vein, keeping it flowing is the next problem. Not fun. It isn't their fault, just my deep slippery veins. 

Today I had a young woman who admitted about halfway through that her training was incomplete. It had already become abundantly clear something wasn't right, so it was no surprise. She did an outstanding job on the stick but had trouble keeping the line open. It took so long some blood clotted, making it unusable. Yes, I have to go back for a repeat of a couple test next week. I even drank a lot of water when I got up to ensure the blood would be fluid enough to make it quick. I didn't count on a slow draw. 

Once back home, I had to go back to sleep. I couldn't stay awake. On days like this, that's not unusual. Fatigue plagues me and gloomy weather seems to make it worse. I woke around noon. 

It's very hard for me to feel unproductive. I stayed busy all my life, even when I stayed home with the kids. Cooking and cleaning for four people, sewing clothes for three of us, refinishing old furniture meant my days were full. Then, college with two school-aged children kept me running. Next, teenagers, a husband, and a job rounded out my career. A busy life filled with excitement. Only after Jerry died and I retired did things slow down, and I've hated it. Unfortunately, I can't go back to work with the physical problems I have now. 

The gym was helping me feel better, and I could do more, but since the back problems began, followed by a pandemic, I can tell I'm declining in strength. I just finished a late lunch and I'm about to wind this up and see if I can get something accomplished. 

I just got the yarn in that I ordered so I can finish my new project. I'm rather excited about that. It is so lovely, and the photo doesn't do it justice. The yarn soft and sparkles in the light. I don't know what I'm doing with it yet but it could be a blanket or a shawl. Think it would make a beautiful Christmas shawl or Valentine's Day shawl. 

Have a lovely day, wherever you are and spend it doing something you love. Thank you for reading. 

Don't Poke the Bear

Good morning, Peeps! I'm feeling better after my lumbar injections. No electric shooting pains down my legs when I walk. Although, I had pain trying to get up this morning; it took about an hour for that pain to subside and minus the shooting leg pains it was bearable after a few moments. 

I must tell this because I believe silly people need to know I have heard their voice. Also, I don't suffer fools gladly. It seems someone reads this blog who felt a driving urge to stir up trouble yesterday. They sent a photo of the blog to the ex-dil, and it pissed her off that I mentioned the problems Sarah had endured while in her home. Believe me when I say I used restraint in my comments and the details. It was far worse than the two sentences I shared. I omitted a certain girl's abuse of her every summer. I haven't mentioned her clothes in Walmart bags, no furniture in her room, drugs she needed and not provided and inappropriate medication, of finding her sick, coughing, and running a 102 degree fever but nothing done to check the fever or stop the cough for two weeks till I arrived and had to go buy thermometer, Tylenol, and cough medicine! Never mind the things said to her. But now I have mentioned them. See how that works? Don't poke the bear.

Let me clarify my position on this blog. This is a public, but it is MY PERSONAL JOURNAL where I share pieces of my life, and sometimes I vent. If you read it, you'll get offended sometimes. You don't have to agree. In fact, you don't have to read it if it bugs you at all. All three of my blogs have the same policy. And if you poke this bear, I will respond.

I don't exclude readers unless they're trolls, scammers, or advertisers. That said, everyone else is welcome, even people like this unknown person, who isn't actually a gracious person at all. They have to know this blog is public. Yet they felt this driving need to deliver it personally to someone they knew would not be happy with it. Why someone's "friend" would deliberately hurt their "friend" by such actions, is beyond me, but do I care? Certainly not. They're not my "friend". Thankfully.

Honestly, I love when my blog is so good that people share it. So, dear friend, please share this one too! Far and wide. That's advertisement. Had you used restraint, fewer people would now know about this because only a handful of people read it. Usually friends and relatives. Your secret actions force me to respond on Facebook and here, thus drawing further attention to it. You could have contacted me directly by email and ask for details, and I'd have been able to clarify it to avoid confusion in private. Alas, this is what people like you want: a response so they can pass that along to hurt someone else. Here you go, sweetie.  

My next point here is if you're not specifically named, and no one knows who you are regarding my posts, why would you risk exposing yourself and the other party involved, especially if you don't want people to know? Only family knew anything and close personal friends about the situation. Until now. 

Be assured, the information is accurate. I don't lie. I have proof. If I did what a responsible grandmother should have done, I'd have reported it to local CPS authorities in NOVEMBER when I was in that house and saw a neglected sick child! I didn't. I went home and prayed for God to step in and stop the problem. I still could report it, but she's safe now, although damaged. She'll be seeing a counselor as soon as insurance is available. But God took care of it. Both my son and my granddaughter are out of it. She's recovering and has said she's learned a lot from a terrible experience.

I would advise you, dear "friend" and all parties concerned, don't push my buttons anymore. Pushing buttons can set in motion events that won't be pleasant for anyone. I have nothing to fear from doing what I should have done when I realized the extent of the problem. I was gracious enough to resort to spiritual means rather than courts. 

Oh, and if I were you, I wouldn't poke anymore bears. 

What in the World?

I'm still alive, barely, but still kicking. As you can tell, I've been off this blog for a while. In fact, I haven't really blogged much in either of the other two blogs. Mainly because with Covid-19 has put a wrench in everything.

My granddaughter moved back here on March 13, and the Lockdown happened. The stepmother, they we all thought loved her and wanted her there, kicked her out and told my son to go with her. He brought her home and had to go back because he has a job in another city there. The divorce is final, and he is moving to Ohio for another job. So she'll be here for a little while.

She's dealing with some depression. There was some verbal abuse and the step grandmother was physically abusive. But we've not been able to get insurance so we can get her to a doctor for her ADD meds for school and some other health issues. Covid has slowed things down.

I have been going to Planet Fitness since last summer. I lost 17 lbs. Covid shut that down and I've gained it back. The early part of the year, I began having severe low back problems. Severe pain, unable to turn over at night, or get up without excruciating pain shooting down my legs. Some days I can hardly walk other, I am just in pain so bad I don't want to walk. I got my first lumbar injection yesterday, and I didn't wake up in agony and I could walk this morning. 

I'm homeschooling Sarah during this disaster in the making. At the moment, we're on hiatus from it, so we both get a break. She's got some academic issues but she's don't pretty good despite that. She does need her meds though, and that is a problem. 

Another thing I've been doing is editing a book for a friend. I'm really enjoying that part of writing. Although, I always feel terrible when I slash people's work apart. He's a good writer, and the story has potential with the right changes. My word isn't law. I learned, while editing for friends in college, to say that upfront. People will do what they are comfortable with and if it differs from my opinion, that's fine. I am only offering advice. And I could be wrong. I don't think I usually am. I know good writing and I know when something doesn't work. I am not editing for a lot of grammar and usage so much as what doesn't work, poor or awkward constructions, redundancy, and poor flow. It is a lot of fun but my fatigue is always giving me trouble. 

There has been little of my own writing going on, but the editing triggers me. I have done more that I was doing. I feel so good when I write, but when you can't stay awake, it is difficult to form logical sequences.

My RA seems to be stable, mostly. I am having problems with my hands though. Might be the increase in inflammation in my back triggering that. Or the weather. There's been a lot of weather systems blowing around.

Also been clearing out stuff and putting up shelving. Mike has helped a lot with that. I have shelves in the laundry room. After 30 years! I love it. Now I need to patch holes and paint it. If I can get the back working and pain free, I think I can do it. I have a new shelf in the living room for the tv to stand on, like a mantle without a fireplace. I love that and it will give me more floor space. I'm going to put up some small shelves behind the living room door for my knick-knacks and photos. There's just enough room for 4 inch shelves, and that's just the right size. This wall is the longest unbroken wall in the room and will be a focal point with photos and special items. I love the idea.

Once this is done, my smallest bedroom will be clear of stuff, and I'm converting it to a sewing room... again. LOL. I have my desk and a table I want in there. There is a single bed and so it will be close but doable, I think. I'm hoping to get some sewing done soon. I always loved it.

Another issue has been my ADD like symptoms. I can't be sure what is fibro, stress, and RA related. I'm exhausted most of the time. Not the good tired you get from doing jobs. A mind numbing fatigue that feels as if you simply can't stand up on your feet. Every muscle, every nerve, every mental process feels as if you're being dragged down by weights and you're drowning in fatigue. I hate it because it causes depressive episodes when you realize how much time you've lost.

So, in a nutshell, that's what in the world has been happening. I think I've managed to catch up a bit. I hope so. I don't even know who reads this. If you do, please give me a wave in the comments. It does matter. I share things to educate and maybe tell someone they're not alone in their despair or grief. Crazy life happens to everyone. And let's face it, I like talking. I miss that more than anything. Talk to your family, your spouse! When they're gone, you can't get that back. 

Take care. Stay safe. Be strong. God loves you. So do I.

Echos

This will be my 10th Christmas without Jerry. It is still painful to look at his photo and realize he's not coming home. No, I'm not over it. It is unlikely I'll ever be over it. No, I don't have a boyfriend and I haven't remarried. I can't even imagine that. That man in the photo is what I see if I even consider meeting someone else.

Ten years. So long to be away from someone you shared your whole life with. I met and married him when I was 17 and he died when I was 52. A whole life.

You know, he wasn't perfect, and he made me furious at times. But he was so very good to me. I always felt like I mattered, that someone loved me and cared about me. There would always be someone to catch me if I fell and set me back on my feet. If the car broke down, I knew who to call. There was always someone to help with the heavy lifting.

Oh, but that's not the worst of it. There were things to do and new places to go and he'd be there with me. We shared memories and even fears. At least, I did. He never wanted to worry me. I hate that because that's what makes the marriage. You both have to share the bad along with the good. He wanted nothing to darken my days.

How much he'd suffer if he knew how dark my life became with his leaving. Sarah was the only light I had to light my way.

This year, that light is gone. For the first time in 13 years, my beautiful Sarah will not be with me for Christmas. She has gone to live with her dad and I will probably never have Christmas with her again unless I live to see her grown. She is far away, and they never come here for Christmas and I've never been there for it.

Sarah was the light that kept me focused and the joy that kept me laughing. So this week has been very hard. There will be no lights, no tree, no presents, no decorations, and no excited laughter. No peaking at packages, no Christmas stories, no special meals. It will be just another dark day in an empty house filled with the echos.

The old year is dying and day by day I do too. I haven't been sorry to see a year end in 10 years. I will not care this year either. I do not look forward to a new one. Why should I?

The Killing of Tom Browder

Follow this link:

https://writing-my-life-away.blogspot.com/2019/10/the-killing-of-tom-browder.html

Hitting My First Challenge

The Narrowing Ledge

Someone told me recently that I hadn't posted to this blog in a while so I decided it might be a good idea to do that. Not that many people are out there waiting with bated breath to read it. Still, it's good to keep it updated. I'm positive that someday social archeologist will dig into blogs to discover what we were thinking and how it applied to our religious rituals. 

In recent weeks my life has sort of fallen apart. In fact, in the last three years, things have just gotten bad. Serious medical problems that required surgery, my car totaled, another medical issue that drained my bank account. And then they decided to take Sarah away. After 5 years she will leave me to live with her dad. I won't go into all of it here because it is depressing enough living it. I don't see any reason to live all of it over again in writing. Let's just say writing has been at the bottom of my list of to-dos.

I'll just say I'm still here and working a new job from home. This will help get the bills back under control and give me some breathing space. I didn't want to go back to work but with Sarah gone, I'll need to stay occupied or I'll lose my mind. 

I will anyway.

March Madness: Medication Changes Coming

The Hell I See and Hear

It is February 5 and I'm officially over the worst of the holidays. All that remains is Valentine's Day, and that doesn't really matter, anyway. Jerry usually forgot such things. It isn't the day, rather it is the images and atmosphere that are troubling. But so are normal days.

This morning, as I was on my way home from dropping Sarah off at school, I was thinking about something related to a story element. It was unrelated to anything I am working on so I can't tell you why I thought about it. I suspect, in hindsight, that I was just messing around in my head. I should never do that. I know better. 

As I cruised along at 35 mph, I suddenly had a horrific flashback. Really, I don't have them often anymore but I still get them occasionally. I could see Jerry in the bathroom, in the middle of the night, when I got up to see about him. He was in the dark and said he was all right. He wasn't, but I didn't know. Then, remember waking up to him thrashing around on the bed, his wedding ring hitting the headboard railing and making that horrible sound. I saw myself jumping out of bed, running around the bed, calling him and then the room goes horribly quiet. By the time I got the light on and saw him I knew. But 10 years later I still try to wake him. I pat his cheek, call him, scream for help. 

It is all so vivid but I'm sitting in my car, driving down Virginia Street at 7:30 a.m. in 2019. It isn't January 29, 2009 at 3 a.m. in the middle of the ice storm of the century. I keep driving and I shout, over and over. "STOP. STOP. STOP. STOP" When that fails to stop the scenes, I pray for it to stop. Miraculously, it does as I pull into my street. 

My firm opinion is that hell is reliving all the horrible things you've seen, done, and thought in your entire life. My brain doesn't let go of trauma so I fervently hope I've served my time. I'm trying to be faithful so that something better is waiting and the hell I see and hear won't follow me.

Someone once told me it gets better. They lied. I don't relive it as often.



  

Ten Holidays

So, another Christmas done. I'm not sorry. I was blessed to have Becca, Sarah, and Madilyn with me and my sister came by for Christmas dinner. It was such fun watching Madi get so excited over the tree and presents. Sarah, of course, is an old hand at all that stuff and getting her excited is a lot harder. Of course, she had fewer gifts this year but she did get things she asked for and so I think she was fine with it.

Becca brought Madi over on the 23rd to stay until the 26th and we decided we'd get Madi's presents wrapped and under the tree after she went to bed. Sarah's were already there when they arrived.

Madi kept asking me where her presents were and I told her they'd be here "tomorrow", on Christmas Eve. I felt so sad because it was evident that this 3 yr old could understand that something was off with the presents. But she trusts me so she didn't really make a fuss.

Christmas Eve, when I came down the hall to the living room, Madi met me grinning and grabbed my hand. "Mawmaw, Santa brought me and you presents last night! Come and see!" I thought it was sweet she thought I was included in those presents. I wasn't but it wasn't about me anyway. She was vibrating with excitement and the rest of the day we struggled to keep her from opening them all. We showed her her name on them and spelled it out for her. She knew exactly which ones were hers. We did let her open two hoping to appease her but by sunset, we were done and we opened them.

Both girls seemed to enjoy their gifts. Sarah got her ITunes gift cards and bluetooth headset and books. Madi got the kind of things 3 yr olds get: PlayDoh, colors and coloring books, and baby doll stuff.

The girls went home tonight. Sarah to spend a few days with her mom before going back to school. I am home alone. As I took the photo of the tree, I thought of all the Christmases I've had alone since Jerry died. There have been 10 Thanksgivings, 10 Christmases, 10 New Years, 10 anniversaries, 10 Valentine's Days. Oh, some family have been here for the day here and there but always, at the end of the celebration, I sit in front of the tree and try to find a glimmer of something that feels like a holiday. Eventually, I think of all the Christmases that may lie ahead and well, we'll leave it there.

I'm not wallowing in pity. I had my annual grief cry today and visited Jerry at the cemetery. I stayed a long time and just sat in the car and listened to a podcast as I watched the grave stones in the VA cemetery. Some had wreaths, some had flowers and some had nothing. There were a few new graves. Jerry needs new flowers and I promised to bring them this week.  I don't know if it matters, actually, but it does to me.

It made me sad to see the forgotten ones. Once I wondered who'd put flowers on my grave regularly and realized that I'm the end. There will be no one left here for that. Well, if that ain't the story of my life. Of course, there won't be anyone to put them on his either. That's bothers me.

Wednesday Rant 10/12/18

I just needed to vent, I guess. Sorry if you're bored or annoyed but I feel ever so much better! There is some kind of hiccup about two minutes in and the audio is out of sync. I've tried to fix it but it was so time consuming I got aggravated. May do that later but hey, this is just for friends and family anyway.

Catching Up to Y'all

I've gotten so bad at posting things here. I considered letting it go but once in a while, something belongs here and not on the other two blogs.

For the last several weeks, I've been doing pretty good. I started taking Benedryl at night when I go to bed for allergy problems that affect my using the BiPap machine. I found it helped my sleep, too. I also started taking Spirulina and Chlorella. You can look it up but it has some health benefits that I felt I needed. It helps remove heavy metals from the body and other toxins and also helps stabilize gut bacteria.

Here's a strange thing. I'm better. I mean, overall, I have very little pain. Low back pain at night but I have something for that. Shoulder pain and pain in my hand from the nerve damage are still an issue but there is virtually no joint pain. My hands get stiff and sometimes I find it hard to open my hand in the mornings but that's pretty much it. I don't know if it is the weather or one of the things I've been taking. Whatever, I'm thankful. And making good use of it. I suspect a change in weather will confirm or negate my belief.

The laundry is done and put away. The house has been swept and I even mopped one day. Drove my back crazy but it got done. I've cut the grass twice in the last month and worked in the yard a bit. I've moved a few things around, not all at once. This week I'm working on getting some picture frames painted and photos hung. I am planning, if the feel-good lasts, to patch some places in the walls and sand them off. Eventually, I'll get the money to buy more paint.

Alas, I've not done a lot of writing. I did some and there is a word count calendar here: Novels & Progress where you can check out the word counts of each one and see the days I wrote and how much. This is really more for me to keep a check without having to open a bunch of files and since it is easy to access, I thought why not share it.

So, there you have it. This is September and the last time I posted here was in July, when my brother died. I had a rough time for several weeks but now, as long as I don't think about it, I can manage. I miss him so much. In the last few years, he hardly ever called and so I didn't hear from him or know how he was or even where he was. Death has a way of shifting priorities. I have a huge family back home and this reminded me how very much I miss them all and wish I was more a part of their lives.

I'm headed off to get Sarah soon, so I'll end this here. I probably should post more often. I have these so someday, when I'm gone, Sarah can come back and at least feel that I'm not very far away and that she has a glimpse of who her Mawmaw was. Maybe she won't care but the option will be hers.

Traveling Woes

We're sitting in the library in Mena, Arkansas so we can use our computers. This is a nice little library even if small. I've been here several times on previous visits. The only drawback I've found is that the employees are quite chatty and haven't stopped talking for nearly an hour. The tables we use are near the front door and front desk and so it isn't as if we can avoid it. I don't have a major problem with it but it is distracting when trying to read or write. It is a library, after all, and they shushed me and Sarah on one of those previous visits, so it must matter.

Our trip down was fairly uneventful if you don't count losing my debit card. Never fear, we immediately blocked it but it is annoying. Thank goodness I have my credit card.

We left at 6 a.m. and arrived by 5:30 p.m.  A long day but traffic wasn't bad at all. Sunday might just be the best day to travel. We'll see because tomorrow is Wednesday and we're headed back to Evansville, Indiana. I hope we can leave by 6 a.m. again.

I have a lot to do when I get back but I suspect I'll have to recover from the trip. Seems the longer the drive the harder it is for me to bounce back. I didn't drive at all but I was exhausted and am still tired.

This is old news and it gets annoying. I'm tired of being tired and hurting all the time is a pain. I'm going to stop here and find something to do besides cruise the web. I should probably check my library books I borrowed before I've read several in the last week on my Kindle and need to return them.

Have a great week.

First Memories

Billy Lavon Patch
Born: Oct. 8, 1959
Died:  July 10, 2018

My brother died this past week. They said it was a pulmonary embolism. That's a blood clot in the lungs. He was only 58 and so full of life. That smile you see? That was always there.  You would rarely see him frowning and if he saw you, he'd throw up his hand and give you a smile and say "Hey, how ya doing!" And now he's gone. The world has lost another bright light.

No, he wasn't famous or wealthy. He was just real.

Let me take a minute and tell you about the little brother I grew up with and what his life was like back then.

Billy was a cute, curly-haired kid and my younger brother. I'm the oldest of 7 and he was #2. We were raised by our grandparents, Mama and Daddy, a long story to be shared another time. As children, we were close but drifted apart as teenagers for a bit. When I married, he felt betrayed because our Mama had died and I left home. We became closer after that but Daddy remarried and the new wife didn't want a teenager in her life and Daddy sent him away to live with our mother. Another betrayal but he coped and grew close to our other siblings who lived with her. Eventually, Daddy was sent away too when the new wife got all she could from him. He brought Billy home and said he'd made a huge mistake and would never do that again. I think they both suffered during that period.

My first clear memory of Billy was not when he was a baby. It was when they sent for Mama to come and get him. You see, he originally lived with our mother and when she remarried a GI, she took him with her. Doctors said I should not be removed from my grandparents. You see, I became sick because of the pending separation. So, I stayed and he left.

He was 2 when they told Mama he needed to come home. He was having bowel issues. He's stopped pottying because he was whipped every time he didn't use the potty. I can tell this now because everyone is dead. Even Billy. He knew the truth anyway. We were told my stepfather whipped him but after I grew up, I believe it was our mother that caused the problem. But I digress.

I remember Mama and I boarded a train in Mobile, Alabama headed to Columbus, Georgia to pick Billy up. It was my first train trip and it was exciting. I remember sitting in seats that faced one another and I liked sitting across from an adult in my own seat. Mama faced front and I sat opposite, facing her. I was only 5. I remember the train stopping on a trestle and I looked out the window. Far below was a rocky creek flowing under us. It was so exciting and as clear in my memory as a snapshot.

When we arrived in Columbus, I still remember the apartment house. It was a two-story shaped like an L and inside, we climbed these huge dark wood stairs. On the second floor was my mother's apartment. The next few moments are like a movie in my mind. The door opened and I went in first. Billy was lying on a bed in the room, bedclothes all mussed and piled up. I can't remember that room. All I see is this tiny curly-haired boy pushing up on the bed and sitting, and a beautiful smile stretching across his face when he saw us. Today, that memory is bittersweet. He was such a lovely little boy. The redish brown curls made him look like a cherub. I remember his arms going around my neck. And the memory ends.

We brought him home.

Charges or Changes

Yesterday as I was paying bills, I reviewed some medical bills I received and when I went online to pay it I saw something confusing. They'd billed me twice for the same visit but it wasn't on the bill I held in my hand.

My insurance sends me an Explanation of Benefits that shows what they were billed and how much they paid. It also tells me the amount of my portion and a lot of other things. I always keep these in a file on my desk so I can compare them to the bills I get from the medical providers to ensure I'm not overcharged. Yes, that has happened twice. I pulled out my EOBs and found two for the charges mentioned on the website. They did, in fact, bill me twice for one visit. I lay it aside until I could call them the next morning. That'd be today.

When I called and explained my concern, the woman was very nice and happily explained that a lot of people get confused about their billing. I agreed they had a system that was very hard to follow. I get bills for Deaconess services from three different billing offices. Here's the story.

First, the reason the bill I had didn't reflect the second charge was that I hadn't been billed yet. Good to know but I don't know why they hadn't billed me at the same time since they had already billed the insurance and were paid. But moving on.

So why was I billed a second time? Well, you see, one bill is where you saw the doctor. That was $123. The other bill is a facilities charge of $177."

......

"I see," I said. I didn't but I'd give her a chance.

"That's for the use of the facility," she said.

 "OK." Did she say to use the facility? I didn't go to the bathroom. "Well," I said. "Thank you for your help."

After I hung up, I pondered this conundrum. I paid to see the doctor in their office. I paid to see her and I paid to use the office so I could see her. There is something wrong with this but I'm at a loss as to where exactly it is.

I am paying to use the building to see the person they HIRED to see their patients. And I'm PAYING to see the person they hired to see their patients.

I can't figure it out. One thing I do know it that I'm ready for a change. I think it is time we went back to house calls. If they can charge me a facilities charge, I figure I could do the same.

A Short Tale about a Long Trip

Yes! Yes! It is I. I decided instead of dropping the news on Facebook I'd just post here and share it around. Saves time. Life on the Ledge has been precarious at times but it hasn't been fatal. I've been away from here since May, but I've got a few things I want to talk about so here I go.

I just got back from a much-needed vacation. I left on the 12 and stayed with my aunt and uncle in Atlanta two days before we all traveled on the 14th to Myrtle Beach. While I was at their home, I worked on their computers and got them back online. They'd been offline for ... well, a while, maybe a year. They had a new router and never got them set up because they used their IPads. Once I got all the tech sorted it was time to go. I still had updates to do but I could do them when we returned.

We stayed at Marina Dunes Inn on the Intercoastal Waterway. The photo above is the view from our room. It was lovely and a really beautiful condo. We did the usual shopping, eating, and they went to the beach twice. I preferred the indoor pool. No one used it and there was a nice shady patio just outside the doors that I had all to myself. I managed to read 5 books while we were there!

We returned to their home on the 19th and I spent the 18th finishing the computer project and packing up my things. I drove home on Friday. Let me tell you, it was eventful.

I started out at 8:30 and when I reached Chattanooga I hit a traffic jam. I got rerouted by Maps thru town, on Old 41. Beautiful drive over the mountain but 30 miles later, upon my reentry to the interstate, I was back in the traffic jam. Yeah, 30 miles at least. It lasted for another half hour before I got out. It began to rain a little and I decided where I'd make my next stop.

I got off at a place that I regularly stop when I take this trip, exit 114, at Manchester, TN. I figured I'd get gas and maybe grab a sandwich and get back on the road quickly. As I stood under the Raceway shelter and put the hose in my gas tank, it began to rain harder. Just as the pump started, the wind picked up and the guy at the pump ahead of me said the clerk told him there was a tornado warning. I turned around and the rain began to really lash at us. The wind picked up the garbage can and threw it at me. I turned to take turn the pump off and the power went out and suddenly it was as if everything went crazy. Someone threw a truckload of water at me and the world went white. I was blown back toward the car door. I was thankful I'd left it open because I scramble to get inside while my neighbor raced for the building, without a backward look, I might add. Everything seemed to be shaking and I just sat soaking in my clothes and watching trash cans fly by.

Whatever it was passed pretty fast because the sideways rain slacked off. I kept wondering why my wipers weren't clearing my windshield but then I realized that the water was on the inside. I pulled my attention from the storm outside and looked around. My dash, the windscreen, side windows, car doors, and my seat were wet where the rain had sprayed into the open door at the same time that load of water hit me. I thanked the God who gave me the good sense to put a roll of paper towels on the seat next to me. Really, there were right there. I remember putting them in the car and thinking I probably wouldn't need them but you never know. Not only was I soaked, my shoes were soaked, and the inside front of the car was soaked.

Eventually, my neighbor returned. He said they'd restart the pumps but soon found that impossible. My neighbor got a refund. I had used a credit card so I hoped that we were square. I managed to get a small amount of gas either way.

All power on that exit was out so I started toward Nashville and hoped for a place to stop so I could change clothes. I couldn't imagine riding the next 4 hrs wet. A Macdonald's presented itself at the next populated stop and I unpacked an outfit and shoes. After a change of clothes, I felt better and ordered a late lunch. Once that was completed, I set out, again toward Nashville. I needn't have hurried.

By the time I reached the Country Music Capital of the World, traffic was backed up and it took me another hour to get across town. I stopped at the state rest stop and walked around, pottied, and hit the road again. I didn't stop until I got to Evansville at 6:30 pm. I was tired.

The rest of the weekend I was wiped out. The vacation was wonderful and I always enjoy my family but that return trip was exhausting and it took three days to fully recover. This past week I've just spent lazing around. The house was clean because my friend Sue came in and cleaned from top to bottom.  I arranged it before I left and was glad I did because it turned into the best money I ever spent. I didn't unpack clothes for a week. God is so good to me. I've had a lot of pain in my joints the last couple of days, today is pretty severe but I have just been able to relax and take it easy.

This week, I've been busier trying to do the normal things, laundry, dishes, and taking care of bills. Thankfully, everything got paid and I can move onto other things. I had planned to finish up some construction projects and painting but the heat is so bad. I did manage to cut the grass and Mike and I both tackled the weed trimming but we had to do it in fits and starts. It is dangerously hot. I had to wash my hair 4 days in a row after doing outside work. It isn't much better inside either. The air conditioner has been almost unable to keep up with the heat. I could raise it to ease the burden on the system but once a house gets hot, it is really hard to cool it down again.

So, I've caught you up now and I'll try and stay on track. I've had so many physical issues lately that I really didn't want to bore folks with it. I've not been writing either because of it. If you follow this blog and want to keep up you can find me at all the places below.

My Week in Review

Been a long time since I posted here but I have so much news I decided it would be easier to disseminate. So for those of you still checking in, here we go. Monday has apparently become clean the house day because that will get me thru the week. Mike came and dug out the flower bed but I couldn't get to the planting because I was too tired after cleaning and laundry all day. I did put Castor beans in the ground. These will drive out the voles and moles, whose tunnels are causing a tripping hazard in my yard. It will take a few months but once they take root, those critters will head for daylight. This is an old gardeners trick. Tuesday.. funny, I don't remember a lot of it. I had a sleep doctor appt and that went well although, she said I needed to go to bed earlier so I don't need those 2 hr naps every day. She's probably right, but I've always been a night owl. If it wasn't for Sarah, I could sleep late in the mornings. 20 days of school left! I came home and spent the day reading. Sarah and I went to the grocery story after school, and then spent time doing her math homework. I was in bed by 9:30! Tuesday is the first day I've been on the computer for a week, I think. Wednesday I cut the yard, moved some edging stones around to the front to line the walk (I used the mower and trailer to move them, I'm not totally insane yet), and I was planning when she got home to get the seed in the ground! That didn't happen because the day caught up with me. I fell asleep in the chair for about a hour. I was still in bed by 10, though. I've also been walking. Went one day last week and couldn't walk .3 of a mile without nearly having to crawl back to the car. Both my hips were in agony. Upset me a bit because the future looked bleak. I waited and went back Monday and this time, I just walked around the small lake near the VA cemetery. The photo is a shot from the parking area, across the lake. I made it around 3 times but I had to sit on one of the benches each round to rest my hips. Went back Tuesday and made it 4 times with one rest, and that got me .5 of a mile! Yesterday, I made it .5 again with only one stop. So, maybe the future is not so bleak. Since my back injury and all the steroids they put me on, I gained too much weight! It will probably take a while to peel that back off. However, if I can keep walking, I might make a dent in it. The pain in my hips is probably a combination of too much weight, weak muscles from sitting around for 9 months, and the arthritis. The good news is, a short break between laps seems to make it ease up. So, I'm shooting for distance rather than speed. Once I can get around a half mile without stopping, I can try for more distance. There are benches around the lake but once I start hoofing around the cemetery, there are no places to sit... unless I pick a tombstone. There are some monuments with benches up on the hill but I'm nowhere near tackling that. So, now you're caught up for the week. We'll see how the rest of it goes.

End of the Line

It has been a long and strange journey on this blog. I seem to have lost the impetus to keep it going and I'm a bit sorry about it. I used to enjoy posting about the people and events in my life. I do post on my writing blog and sometimes on Rendered Praise but even that one has languished a bit and both are different. I'm not sure anymore what I want to do... or say.

My world has never recovered since Jerry died, not really. I mean, I've gone on with my life, such as it is. I'm still here. No, I haven't met someone. You actually have to see people for that to happen. I've stayed here in my home, raising my granddaughter. I retired, as you'll remember if you've read along. I thought I'd be able to write more. I got sick, and sicker, and sicker until I despaired of even living at times. How do you function when you're in so much pain all the time and you feel like you're on the wrong train?

You just keep going.

The truth is, I've never been able to right the upside-down world I was thrown into. There was just nothing normal about my life anymore. Nothing made any sense at all. More and more I found myself not wanting to write. Not wanting to do the things I used to do. I don't want to cook but I have an 11 yr old who has to eat. You'd think I'd lose weight but no, I gain it! I'm too tired or too sick to go out and exercise. Or it is so freaking cold or wet that it is impossible. Even the back surgery I had to repair the ruptured disk, although it made some things tremendously better, has not really made much difference in what I do.

I feel like a door is closing and maybe it is. This is probably the last post here I'll do. Maybe it is because I've just been sick for months with colds and I'm still sick with one, milder though it is. I really don't know. My immune system is very low now.

I just know that I don't have anything left to say. The interesting things, at least to me, have declined to the point that there is nothing I really enjoy doing. There are no family stories to relate because there is no family left. There are no work tales to tell because I can't work anymore. There are no exciting people or places or things to tell you about. There are plenty of annoyances, frustrations, and sadnesses but who wants to share that? And who wants to read it.

You'll say this is depression. Maybe it is a mild one. I don't even want to try and figure it out.  What I do want to say is thank you. If you've been with me on this convoluted journey, lived thru the nightmare of death, and laughed at my kids, thank you. I don't know why you did it. But I'm glad you did. You remained silent but if you stuck with me, thanks.

As of now, the blog will remain open. I get comments in my email, not that anyone ever does other than one or two here and there. But if you stop by, shoot me a comment to let me know. Will I come back? I don't know. I'm giving myself permission to give up several things this year. I have too many chains weighing me down and the need to shake them off won't leave me alone. I may if there is something good to say. Today, I can't think of one thing.

So I pray you are blessed and I hope I've given you enjoyment with my crazy Life on the Ledge.

Be happy. Be kind. In the end, that's what will count.

Popping in for an Update

Fadings

I've been asking myself if I should let this blog just fade away. I rarely write here anymore and it seems wrong to just ignore it. I'm mostly on the writing blog or the faith-based one. I have tried to think how I could blend them but the reason the other two exist was that I didn't think it would work. I keep links to them in the headers of each blog so anyone can go to them from this one but honestly, I don't have that many readers. I'm not that interesting.

I'm doing much better this week. Starting the weekend I notice the muscles in my back were less sore and I could move my shoulders without a lot of pain. I also noticed that my sleep is much better than it has been in probably years. I'm less tired most days but do have bouts of extreme fatigue. I've learned to just go to bed and nap for a couple of hours. Sleeps makes it better.

My Thanksgiving holiday was relatively quiet. I spent the afternoon with Sarah's other grandparents. They invited us over and Sarah, Mike, and I went. We had a great lunch and I enjoyed just relaxing and talking. I made a banana pudding and carried that but it was nice not to have to do all that work. I would have been totally wiped out if I had had to deal with a holiday meal.

Holidays are not usually fun for me but at least it wasn't filled with the usual stress. I've spent today just sitting around reading, crocheting and listening to podcasts. I've come to really enjoy those and I can crochet and listen at the same time. Even my Kindle fire will read my book to me. 

I'll leave this for now. I started it a few days ago and forgot it. Doctor's appointment on Monday morning for them to follow up on my surgery. I"m hoping I'll be allowed to do a bit more.