A Lot Like Work

Retirement isn't what I thought it would be. It feels just like work. I just spent the morning at my desk sorting out CHAMPVA paperwork, filling out Cobra forms, my job exit interview, my physical therapy exit evaluation, reconciling the bank statements, and trying to sort out a new problem. My primary care doctor is closing her practice due to ill health.

I've got everything done but that. I have no idea who to call since my insurance probably won't be up and running for 45 days. Yes.... any meds I'll have to pay for up front but they will probably reimburse me for most of it. And some of them are free. My real problem is with the ones that aren't. I have no idea of cost because I've been blessed with none for so long.

Once the bank statement was reconciled, I realized just how much I'm going to feel the pinch. I have one big trip for the first week of September but after that, there'll be no going anywhere but to church and back. I've got to go to the employment office but frankly, from what I'm seeing, it may not matter. I keep getting notices from Monster.com about jobs but they're ridiculously unsuitable. And most want full time. I'm not up to that yet. I might get there but not for a bit. I'm leery of substituting... I'd like it but with the immuno-suppressors I'm taking a huge risk of picking up something really bad. I've no wish to repeat the last two winters.

I've managed to get a lot of the paperwork done. That leaves me free to start cleaning house. Oh the joy. Everything is really a mess. I want to get rid of a bunch of stuff but sorting will not be fun because I always renege on it. I'll put it in the toss pile and then keep going back and rethinking it. I have furniture that I need to get rid of too. I'd love to give David and Felicia a couple of things but getting that stuff to Arkansas is a problem. They don't have a truck and neither do I. Shipping would be more than the value of the items. She could use the huge bookcase and the desk would be perfect in Sarah's room there. I suppose she could use it anywhere but it will be Sarah's desk someday. It was Mike's desk. David had one and I gave it to him and Becca and it disappeared. His was a double pedestal and Mike's is a single. I used Mikes for a couple of decades as a sewing desk. I have a better one now and don't really need that one.

I'm going to sit down sometime in the next week and work out some schedules for myself. I can see time getting away from me. I want to plan writing time and sewing time. I have tons of stuff I need to sew. I have crochet, too, I want to finish. First, the house has to be sorted. In about a month, Mike and I have to scrape and paint the windows on the outside. It has to be done and I have to get new storm windows. That comes out of my savings. I suppose I could try and salvage the old ones but they are so difficult to open and close.

I'm having a real problem with my sciatica. Shooting pains from my lower back, down my leg and into my foot, with cramps all the way down. Not comfortable sitting at all. I'm using that CVS Leg Cramp pills. I've used them for several years now and they're wonderful. I've just not had a spell with it this bad in a very long time. So far, today, they're no working.

My neck pain has been better since I used the doxepin several night. I suspect this particular pain is fibromyalgia. It wouldn't respond to the doxepin so well if it were joint pain. This is neurological. I will see my rhuematologist at the end of the month and discuss it with her. When I take doxepin regularly I have less problems with that kind of pain. This is because of serotonin. Serotonin helps with pain but too much can cause severe problems, too. I have no doubt she'll just prescribe another anti-depressant. I'm going to take it every other day or so as the pain requires and see how it goes. I just can't take it every day.

And now I'm off. I've got to do something to stop my butt from hurting! Yes, my butt. From the lower back, across the right buttocks, down the right leg to my ankle is hurting something fierce. Will catch up later.

Summer Vacation

I'm a week into retirement. Wow. Mike and I drove down to Mena, Arkansas to pick up Sarah. It was nice to visit David and his family but the drive nearly did me in. It is simply too far to travel with back and neck trouble without proper pain medicine. I was pretty bad by the time we got there. Tuesday was even worse. I could not sit anywhere. They have nice, big cushy furniture and under normal conditions a good book would have worked perfectly. Unfortunately, my back and neck problems have all but ended the days I can relax with a good book anywhere. I read but not as long and not as much. I simply can't hold my head in a reading position for very long without a price.

I spent Tuesday in a kitchen chair to take some of the pressure off but it was only a slight help. We had an early birthday party for Sarah with David's in-laws and church family. It was really nice and Sarah had a great time. After everyone left we played a Wii game.. Just Dancing. You had to do what the character on the screen was doing. Let me tell you, I learned a few things about my children. Hysterical videos resulted.

Wednesday David took us to dig for diamonds at Crater Diamond mine. That was fun but I got to tell you, that's too much work for a tiny rock that isn't worth anything. And I suspect it would take more than 15 minutes to learn to recognize what to look for. We found a lot of rocks... and I think we had a fairly good time. The kids would have liked the water park they had much better but we weren't prepared for that.

Later that afternoon, I mentioned getting a rocker for them so when I came down I could sit in that. Felicia suddenly remembered she had a rocker and pulled it out of the office for me. It is a nice rocker. One of those glider kind you see so much of now. But let me tell you, such a big improvement! Not perfect, because no chair is, but it was such a vast relief.

We attended their church for Wednesday service. I enjoyed that but I was really uncomfortable by the end. Bro. Wilson had prayed for me at Sarah's party and he prayed for me again at the end of the service. 

On Thursday, Dave took us to Runestone Park in Heavener Oklahoma. My neck was a bit better as long as I was standing up. I must say, this site was a bit more my kind of thing. I'd heard, in passing, of the runestone in my history studies but I had the impression of a moderate sized plaque in a glass case with people standing looking down at it. Not so. This thing is probably ten feet tall by ten feet wide and is actually part of the mountain. It juts upward from the ground int a point. The runes are bigger than my hand. It is encased in a cedar shed behind plexiglass but in such a way you can clearly see the carvings. The valley it sits in is lovely and I suspect in the spring time a very inviting place to visit. This day it was very humid and hot. The climb down had us breathing heavy. Beware of lots of stairs to climb but it is well worth it.

When shuffling things around in my bags on Wednesday I happened to find a single Doxepin. If you've read me for a long time, you know this is a pill originally prescribed for my migraine headaches. I no longer use it for that but I found it worked great for some of my pain problems over the years, mostly fibromyalgia related pain but it also helped with some of my RA pain. No, I didn't bring the bottle with me. I just found one pill. I debated trying it on Tuesday and Wednesday night but the trip back to Evansville loomed before me and I decided to wait...in misery until Thursday night. Thursday was a moderately miserable day but with David and Felicia at work I didn't really have to be sociable so I just sat in the rocker they pulled from a back room.

Thursday we did nothing. Everyone was working and it was just me, Mike, and Sarah at the house so it was a relatively quiet day. I got our stuff washed and packed and everything ready to go. We gassed up that evening and got ice and some fruit for the road and headed out.

Thanks to my Doxepin I got a good night's sleep and woke with far less pain than I've had in weeks. The neck was still not good but I could live with it. We were on the road by 8 a.m. and headed home. Sarah napped a bit but overall she was awake and really good. My right leg is the only problem I had later in the day. Sciatica kicked in from all the sitting. Legs cramps are not fun but I have pills to take for that too and they go everywhere with me.

We took several breaks for potty and to let me walk a bit. I didn't want to get home with the same problem I arrived with in Arkansas. For lunch, we stopped at the W. Memphis exit. Although Sarah had Taco Bell tacos she still needed a Burger King shake. Fortunately, they were side-by-side at the truck stop. Mike and I had burgers, although it wasn't my first choice, Arkansas, from Little Rock to Memphis, has nary a Cracker Barrel. I had no intention of going as far as the Memphis exit and we weren't waiting as long as Dyersburg.

We arrived back in Evansville around 7 p.m. and dropped Sarah off. Mike picked up his scooter and went home and I went around unpacking and putting things away. I noted that my floors were a mess and decided I had no desire to wake up to that. I vaccumed the floors, ate something and spent the evening laying around till late.

And that is my summer vacation and the first week of retirement. I am happy I got to see my son and his family. I simply don't want a repeat of the pain I experienced from the drive. I will never leave home without Doxepin again.

Runaway Train

http://mrg.bz/BdIz1r

My week felt like a runaway train. From the start on Monday I was running flat out and didn't stop until sometime around the middle of the day on Friday. I wish I could tell you about it but it went so fast that I can only hit the highlights.

Most of my time was spent trying to get the August recertifications completed, which I did by Wednesday. We had move briefing on Wednesday and since it was my last one, I got to do the presentation. I love doing those anyway so it was fun. 

The four case managers, me, Carolyn, Stacey, and Penny went to lunch on Wednesday and on Thursday, Carolyn and I went with Dena (admissions clerk) and Valerie (inspection clerk). Thursday afternoon they threw us a retirement party. Carolyn's last day was Thursday and mine Friday but it was more efficient and economical to do one reception. It was really nice. I've detailed it on Facebook but for the non-FB'ers I'll review here.

The agency gave us a nice retirement send-off. It was Carolyn's last day and mine was Friday.  The first photos is of the girls I work with most closely. The tall older lady on the end is Martha, an inspector who retired several years ago, so nice of her to come. Next is Carolyn, Penny, me & Stacey. We're the case managers. Penny is the only one left of the original six case managers when I was hired. Stacy came in about 8 or 9 yrs ago. 


The next photo shows our boss, Marques & on the opposite end, next to Stacey, is Gayle. She was the agency receptionist when I started and is now a site manager. She is an awesome and intimidating receptionist but we got no flack from clients when Gayle was in charge of the front desk. She's a sweetheart. There are photos of the refreshment table and the cake and then the gifts. 

They did a lot for us. My department gave both us $50 in Amazon Kindle gift cards, and a lottery ticket, of which I really could use even $100K! The pink glass with the suckers is from Dena, the admissions clerk and has DumDum suckers in it and says "Work is for....". 

They gave us the centerpieces made by Debbie in HR. They're so cute. Cake was made by Debbie's daughter-in-law and was delicious. We were given recognition certificates and mine says 16 years. As of September 14 it would have been 16 years. I was only about a month and a half shy of it.

Nice speech by the Executive director and the supervisor. My whole department was surprised by the supervisor's speech. He did very well and said some nice things. Considering Carolyn and I have been the biggest thorn in his side, he was very generous. Had he been so generous when I needed generosity, I might not have decided to quit. But, I try not to harbor grudges and I remind myself of the times when he was more kind to me that I expected. I would not have been able to work at all when Jerry died if he had not been kind. I will let God take care of the rest. 

I did love this job and the people I worked with were the best in the business. For more than 14 years we've been a "High Performer". We were the third largest housing authority in the state with avg. of 1900 tenants. Our SEMAP scores were always above 90. I will miss the challenges but not the stress.

On Friday trained I Stacey and Penny on how to hook up the computer and projector to do the PowerPoint presentations we do at the move briefing. I generally do this for everyone. We went over that and I went through all my pending items with Penny and turned over two months of re-certifications to be done, several moves in progress, and pending interims. I went through documents on my computer and forwarded several to the appropriate people so they could have them to use. Since I created all forms and documents in the department, it was necessary to get them those we use most often or things I thought they might benefit from using. I sent emails to corporate regarding the landlord account procedures and the landlord handbook, which I actually wrote, compiled, and designed. Not bad if I do say so.

By noon, I was on the phone doing my usual Friday lunch cover for the receptionist. Once that was done, I went to lunch about 1 p.m. and when I returned I gave Penny my keys and finished clearing my computer, deleting Chrome and all my personal items and changing the voice mail on my phone. At 4:15 I said my goodbyes and left the building for the last time.

No, I didn't cry. One of the girls did and that almost made me cry but only for a minute because I don't like seeing people sad. I left with a smile on my face. . . and a much lighter load on my back. 

Next stop...

Tick, Tick, Tick

For a weeks I've been counting down and watching the days roll by with increasing uneasiness and concern. There is nothing I can do to stop it and if I'm honest, I don't want to stop it. It is rather like a time bomb. 

We've all seen these movies where there is this clock with red numbers and they change with painful rapidity while the characters move with excruciating slowness. Viewers across the country are on the edge of their seat, pulling their hair, shaking their fist, shrieking at the screen. "HURRY! HURRY! HURRY!" As if in answer to all those screaming fans, something inevitably happens that causes the clock to start ticking down faster. I know it is just a tool to build tension but it is still amusing. 

And that is what this feels like waiting for my last day at work. Sitting here in my house each evening and looking at the calendar, the counter of the bomb, counting the days down until ... something eventful happens. Mentally, I'm screaming, "Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!" Unlike the plot device in the movie, time creeps along, defying me. Do I really want it to hurry? 

I suppose in a way there are two countdown timers I'm watching. In terms of my health, peace of mind, relief.... it should be exciting. For weeks I've thought about what I'll have time to do now. I can write, sew, crochet, travel, spend time working on things in the house, get involved in some new ventures. One friend said NaNo this year should be awesome. Of course, there can be no monetary cost involved in anything I do. Which brings me to things I won't be doing, the other clock. 

When I look at the dollars and cents, the disaster becomes epic. I can't get sick. Gone is that nice medical plan that kept me from bankruptcy. Gone is the income that kept my car running, my air conditioner running, the faucets from leaking, and repaired house damage. No hope of ever traveling more than 20 miles after September. 

If all those things were so important, why did I walk away from the best economic situation I'll ever have? Because there is going to be a time when I can't do any of those things I love, even if I had the money. The chances are high that I won't be able to walk in the yard or anywhere. I won't be able to type an email, let alone write a story. I won't be able to use crochet hooks and already it is doubtful how much sewing I will be able to do with my neck problem. I don't travel now because of work. Working on the house, well, I've not been able to do that for a while.

So, why did I quit my job?

Pick up a salt shaker and hold it upside down about a foot from the table. Watch as the grains of salt pour out the holes and bounce away on the surface beneath. There is no neat pile of salt. It bounces in all directions and you'll be unable to get it back into the bottle, probably not even in a tidy pile. Time is pretty much like that. It pours out like raindrops or salt crystals, scattering all over the place, disappearing forever, irretrievable. An hour glass you just flip over and you've got another hour. Life is nothing like an hour glass. There are no extra hours or days or weeks. There is just now. And now is all you get.

I've spent a lot of time in the last five and a half years trying to find my life again, trying to regain a sense of who I am and what I'm doing here. Once I was whole person, with a purpose, and then I was a shattered vessel, fit for nothing. I kept working because I thought it was the only way to survive and survival was all I could think about. Just get through today. Just get through today. Just get through today. Every day for 2006 days that's been all I've said. Every day. Sitting on the side of my bed with pain, first grief and then sickness, twisting me in knots and all I could think about was getting though one more day. Just get through today. For 2006 days. 

Can you imaging living just to get through the day? So, I quit my job because I can't get through today. After months of struggling with pain so terrible I began to pray that I would not pray to die, after months dealing with a management who denied me time off to get better, who continued to pile more and more on me despite my pleas for help I decided what mattered more than security. 

I realized that somewhere buried beneath all of the rubble and shattered remains of my life is a battered body with a beating heart. Soon enough it won't be and if I continue doing what I've been doing, it will be sooner rather than later. I don't know when I decided that was what was really important. Maybe it was in the misdst of a meltdown when I used words I would never use anytime or anywhere. Maybe it was when I looked in the mirror and saw someone I didn't recognize because of the hollow look in her eyes. Maybe it was the day I could hardly walk from my bed to the bathroom. I don't know. I just know that one day in July I sat down and wrote my resignation and something shifted and I began to dig out of my collapsed life. 

So, the clock is ticking. I have no idea what happens when it stops. I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter. There is already less debris between me and the blue sky. This is probably the first decision I've made in 2006 days that was done just because I chose to do it. That means something. 

Optimism is a Blue Suit

I'm not sure how this will go. I am trying to type with my middle finger wrapped in bandage and tape. No, it isn't broken, cut, or sprained. The bandage is a medicine patch that I generally put on my neck, back, or hip. It had diflocan in and helps with joint inflammation. This particular finger is really hurting so I cut the patch to fit, taped it on, and now we wait and see if it helps. 

Unfortunately, I can't do this every place it hurts. There is a limit to the use of the patch. I can only keep it on for 12 hours. I can change it out then but only 12 hrs at a time. Most places it doesn't stick well... the patch itself is sticky and normally, on my hip or back, doesn't need tape. However, on places like my neck and finger, tape is necesary. 

I've not felt well for more than a week now. After I stopped the steroids, pain returned. The doxepin I took to help me sleep has helped with some of the pain, I think but it leaves me feeling depressed and tired. I've never used it for long term pain much and when I do, I don't like the effects of it. No pain but very mentally sluggish, with a heaping of depression. But it works on pain.

They are going to send me for something called an EMG B/L UE. Anyone have a clue? Me either. I told them they better get any test they wanted out of the way before the end of August because that is when my insurance with the company stops. 

I'm annoyed my whole day was spent in a fog and not feeling well. I woke up to terrible pain and I thought I was going to have to go back to bed. I was exhausted. I didn't take the doxepin last night for the above reasons. I got my coffee and in about an hour I was mobile and it was such a stunningly beautiful day I made myself go walk two miles. I wasn't feeling at all well when I finished. I had a migraine starting and had to take an Imetrix. Mike and I went to lunch at the Mexican place. I was really sick from the Imetrix by then but eating helped with the head. 

I can't believe this weather we're having this summer. I feel like I'm in the wrong place. And I hate having to work during this time. Watch, August will be a monster heat wave and I won't be able to leave the house. 

I'm not sure I'm going to meet my Camp NaNo goals. My hands have been a mess and until I get it figured out, I have to be careful how much time I spend on the computer. Se la vive. French for everything pretty much sucks.

I'd like to stop feeling so negative about everything. Mike told me, "Two weeks and you won't be working. Are you nervous?" I thought about it and gave the pat response. "It is what it is." I'm terrified and I don't care. Two halves of the same whole. I've sat and wondered what would happen if it all goes south. My car is paid for and the seats lie back. I have a nice tent, plenty of cookware, and camp grounds are relatively cheap by the week. 

I haven't really thought any of this through. Quitting is truly the most, proably only, spontaneous thing I've ever done in my life. Well, after marrying my husband after only month and that worked out pretty good. There ought to be something good come out of such a feat. Since I can't see beyond this second, I have no idea. 

Mike came and cut the yard and did a very good job. I have a new weed trimmer, an electric one, which I've always preferred. He was so shocked at how much easier it was to use than the gas one he out did himself on the trimming. I've never seen him do so well. Afterward, we sat on the back patio and had supper and enjoyed the twilight under the red umbrella. For just a little while, there was nothing to worry about.

Optimism is not my strong suit. The color is all wrong.. blue, like the sky. I generally wear black.

No Worse Than Death

Recently, I've had two old friends die. My mentor and writing teacher, Ron, and the other was Kathy, the wife of our pastor in Germany. There are some good memories of our times with the Brooks in Frankfurt, Germany. His post brought some of them back to life. The loss of his wife is taking its toll and  I was struck again by the commonality of death. 

Jerry died in 2009 and I spent a good portion of the evening reviewing my blogs for that year. I've done this a couple of times over the last 5 years and they're not easy to read. Over time, I gain distance. Reading them, I can remember the events as clearly as if it were yeasterday and I can still feel the searing emotions but through a filter now. My mind has erected the necessary sheilds to prevent me from reliving them too sharply. I am not over it. The pain is still there. The darkness lurks around the corners and threatens. Sometimes, even now, it steps out to engulf me. The way out is shorter but no less painful. 

When I sit here in the house sometimes, the silence is a reminder of how empty life really is and how most of our existance is built on filling the spaces we inhabit. We think it is cars, houses, electronic toys, vacations to exotic places, and parties. But when you watch those you share life with disappear and the things still remain, your vision become so clear about what matters. When we are living our lives we tend to just ... live. We don't think about them ending or changing. We've plotted a course and we expect it to go the way we planned. And then... it doesn't. And we end up lost and looking for a map. We struggle to make sense of it but we really are totally lost. Nothing prepares us for it.

In the last couple of weeks I've made life altering decisions that I can't undo. I don't acutally have a desire to undo them. I'm worried because I don't know what I'm going to do, where I'm going to end up. I have no plan of action. I acted on instinct, driven by desperation and pain. And I don't care. I think that is the most stunning revelation for me. I just don't care.

Am I afraid? Yes. I'm terrified. I don't ever remember being in this place before. I have not been this broke in nearly 30 years but then, there were two of us to share the worries. I only know that there are no other avenues open to me. The road I'm on is the only one I have and I travel it alone. 

More than once in the last week I've turned and said, "Jerry, I need to ask you about this." Of course, he's not answering me. Yes, I asked God first, weeks and weeks of praying for answers that did not come. I couldn't find a better solution. So, I made the best decision I could under the circumstances. Pain had reached a level I could no longer endure and I had to make a decision. Right or wrong, it was the only door open. And like those shut up on Noah's ark, there's no turning back. 

As I read over my posts of that horrible time I wondered how I have managed to survive that nightmare. Even now, remembering those long, dark nights I don't know how I kept my sanity. I never want to live those again. One thing that is certain...I couldn't undo what was done then either. 

I don't even know how I survived the last five years. My health has gone from ok to horrible. I live in pain 24 hours a day. The truth is, once you've walked where I've walked, a lot of things cease to be more important than just staying alive. At this point, tomorrow is a blank. I don't now if that is better or not. It just isn't any worse.

Tuesday Funk

Tuesday passed in a stupor. I had a storm migraine on Monday night and did not get enough sleep. I was so sick this morning with exhaustion and pain from the RA. My hands have hurt for days now. The medicine doesn't seem to be fully working for some reason. Although I didn't go to work I did get up, got in the recliner and promptly went to sleep. 

I stayed there all day except to eat and take potty breaks. My back hurt as a result. I tried reading off and on but all I could do was sit in that chair and doze. This afternoon, I actually went to sleep for several hours. I didn't feel any better afterwards. 

I managed to get up around 4 p.m. and fold the mountain of laundry that is in the spare room since David left two weeks ago. I have to wash another load so it had to be put away. I was nearly done when my evening blew up with a family matter that put me in the middle, a place I neither want nor need to be. Now, I'm feeling unwell again because of the stress and I have to go to work tomorrow. I'm writing tonight for CampNaNo but I'm not sure how much or how good it will be since I am mentally drained from the turmoil. 

There is just no where to turn for relief from it. I'm so tired. I haven't had a fibro flare in a while, probably because my vitamine D is at an all time high. I don't care what they say, it seems to fix that particular problem. If I could get the RA under control I might be able to function fairly well. For over a year now I've been in this major flare and nothing is helping.

I'm going to bed. At least there, I don't have to think about anything.

Time for Fireworks

There really should be some sort of fanfare or fireworks or something. I mean, it isn't every day that one reaches 50K hits on one's blog. Of course, it means very little except that 50,000 someones stopped on the first page. Some of those will be bots, of course but the nice features in Blogger and Analytics tell me it is also people, who for some reason, made a wrong turn and ended up on my blog. 

You never know where the road will take you. You never know when one of the someones is actually ... Someone.

It is such a big number for someone like me. Most of the increase occurred after the intergration of G+ and Blogger and then more when I started posting to Facebook.  I talked about this in a post in 2012, In The Numbers.   However, please note at that time, I was below 20k. In just under two years I've gone from 20K to 50 k? Really? 

More recently, there was another influx when I started using Twitter. No, I'm not really a fan of Twitter but they tell me I should be there.  And now I've had 50K hits. 

Really, I do think fireworks are appropriate.

Miscellany

What an odd start to the week. I'm totally zoned out for some reason. I called in sick. I've got some kind of stomach bug. Grumpy stomach all day and frequent potty breaks. Not a lot of fun but it hasn't been too terrible. I've done a lot of reading of blogs and articles. Finally decided I should post something on my own blog but found my mind is just mush for some reason. I feel like someone cut the mooring line and I'm adrift on an isolated sea waiting for someone to come along and tow me back to shore.

Tomorrow begins the July 2014 Camp NanoWriMo. I'm rather excited but this mush brain is not a good sign. I am hoping that the Mibbit online write-ins are going to be well attended and helpful. They were last November.

My son and his wife came on over the weekend to pick up Sarah for the summer. Although I enjoyed seeing them and getting to hear him preach for the first time on Saturday night, it was also a sad time as I will not see my Sarah for five weeks. I'm sure I'll be fine but already, my day is dimmer and the summer seems a bit less interesting. By the time she returns, school will be starting and I'll only see her as time permits.

I've been doing laundry today as well. I didn't do any over the weekend becasue of company. At this way I'll have all bedding and towels washed before the writing starts and I won't have to worry about it.

I'm still worried about the looming retirement. Things are going to get very tight. But I'm hoping it won't be as bad as my imagination. Things seldom are but it is those outside of seldom that has me worried.

Posts about Camp activity will be on Writing My Life Away so I can keep things straight. Ofen have to remind myself "personal journal", "writing blog", "praise blog" so I can keep it straight. I'd just as soon lump it all together but for some reason, it doesn't work well. Just as well. But this blog thing is out of control. At least I'm writing all manner of stuff.

Going now. I'm going to check on some other forms of employment for September. Don't want to go back to work anywhere until mid September. That gives me time to relax, recover, and recoup.

Be careful outside. It is 92 here and that's just the temp, not the heat index.

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise

I've never won anything. Really. Not anything of any value. Oh, sure, I've got those BOGO coupons or discount coupons from businesses. I don't count those as prizes so much as fish hooks. So, when I got a message yesterday that I'd actually won something, I was a little bit skeptical. There are no free lunches, not in  my world.

If you look to the left, you'll see a packed bag. No, I'm not taking a trip, at least, not yet. Maybe soon. This is a emergency preparedness kit I won from our local power company, Vectren. It contains all kinds of really cool things. There was a weather radio, which is already set up in my living room. Other items inclued a floatable flashlight with a dead battery. (See, I told you.) There is a small battery operated fan (I haven't checked those batteris),  three games (UNO, checkers, and chess) in case the power is out and you can't watch t.v., manual can opener, a large jug of water and two small bottles of water, two packages of Wet Ones wipes, a small first aide kit, ligher and scented candle. There might have been something else but I can't remember off hand.

What I really like is this very large tote that it all came in. That thing is really nice! If that was all they gave away it would have been totally cool to me. I need to empty it and really check it out but last night when I was looking at the bag I said, "Maybe this means I'm going to be traveling."

Now, if someone will just call about that free trip to the Gulf Coast.....

Steroid to Heaven

It is amazing what a difference a couple of little white pills make. I saw my rhuematologist on Thursday and she put me on steroids for the next three weeks. Within 24 hours the swelling in my hands and pain in all my joints had radically begun to ease. I could actually bend my fingers again without feeling like they were encased in plastic. Most of my pain is gone, with only minor twinges. Even my neck is much better.

It was suggested by the surgeon's PA, whom I saw on Monday for a follow up to my previous visit, that I may have occipital neuralgia. There was talk of an ocipital block (a shot in the back of my head, where a bundle of nerves exit your skull on either side of your spine). It didn't sound appealing to me. However, I'm at a point that radical measure must be taken. It isn't off the table.

For the moment, I'm improving so I'll just go with that. I still have neck pain in certain positions but I'm able, thanks to the physical therapist, to help that with exercises. I fear the pain will be with me forever. Too much wrong in my neck to correct.

Work is worse than ever. I'm not able to do any of my work. We're all doing the work of the admissions office. It won't matter soon because we will be two months behind as of July 1.

I'm sitting around trying to figure out what to do. I have turned in all my retirment paperwork and plan on giving my notice the last week of July. Originally my plan was to stay through August 15 but honestly, I don't want to stay. I'm angry they've put me in this position. I like my job, when I cna do my job. But they've piled on extra duties to the point I can't cope, and I have coped exceedingly well for 15 years, thank you and three different supervisors and 4 executive directors. So, this isn't me. My work load is unreasonable and the word is that this will continue till the end of the year.

The DIC (duffus in charge) says when my coworker retires in August he can give the remaining three case managers 500 cases each and that'll take care of the problem. The problem being a department that had 6 case managers when he started will be down to 3. He thinks he can get a couple of part time people to do the support work. That'd be good if he ever told the truth. The support people will be pulled off our roster and charged with doing duties for Admissions, inspections, and front desk duty. We'll get very little help if the past support staff was any indication. I never had help, ever, in the years I've been here to do my "second" job of landlord training, file set up and managing. So, no thank you.

But I'm scared to death. We're talking $1000 a month in lost income. Plus the medical benefits that will cost me an additionaly $250 a month to cover. So, anyone who thinks this is exciting has a twisted sense of humor. This won't be fun once it is done. I did the math this weekend. I'll be able to cover standard housing costs = house payment, lights, water, and gas out of the retirement from my job. From my widow's pension I will have to cover medical $250 mo.), food, house and car insurance, internet, and a phone. My house phone is through my internet. I'm thinking the cell phone will be gone. That's a luxury. I have a big concern about things that might break down or need repair to the house. There's no money for that and won't be. I'll need to find some kind of work. I was looking for jobs online and if I drove a truck I could start tomorrow. But that's pretty much it. None of the jobs pay much above minimum wage and are things I'll never get hired to do and probably couldn't do anyway with my physical issues.

Sooooo, aside from the depressing financial issues related to quitting my job, I feel functional.  The magic of steroids has kicked in. I'm hoping the short temper I had last time I took them doesn't appear but oh well. Fire me. I do believe the snarky symptom is in full swing.

"There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,

And my spirit is crying for leaving."

Stairway to Heaven, Led Zeppelin

A Compilation of Beautiful Days

One Step, Two Step

Once in the Atlanta International Airport I remember seeing someone going the wrong way on the automatic pedestrian walkways. The weren't making good progress.

There's no point in pretending. Some days are just going to be that kind of day.  You know, where you think you're doing great only to find, at the end of the day that you were moving backward all the time.

I have some personal matters to take care of and I simply don't have the time to do it. I can't get time off for anything except doctor's appointments. Today it struck me that everything seems to be working against me in accomplishing something positive. I'm taking two steps back for every one I take forward. 

Tonight I simply crashed when I realized I had two things that simply must be completed this week and tomorrow is Thursday. I need to be where there is a phone and I can talk without someone eavesdropping on my calls. I am across the hall from the supervisor and if I close my door, even a little, he will barge in without knocking. I don't know what he thinks I'm going to be doing but there have been a few times when I really wish I'd had my skirt up adjusting my pantyhose. I'd have a case then for sexual harassment because he does it frequently. We've caught him several times eavesdropping on conversations when he came down a hallway and stood around the corner of a room. 

What did you say? Oh, yes, he is.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit hopeless about everything. I know that I'll feel better when the weekend arrives but I'm hoping that the weather won't punish me for it. It has done so every weekend for the last month or so. Hands are a bit better today but I'm putting something on them every four hours. I can't keep loading my system on this stuff. 

I sat and watched t.v. all evening. Totally wasted my time. I'm tired and feeling very stressed. I don't have an outlet for that. A few times I thought about writing. Once I went out and walked around looking at the plants in the back yard and wondered what I was thinking. I don't know. I like planting things and growing things. Once started I tend to go overboard. If I don't get some trellises up by the weekend, I'm going to have a mass of vines all over the place. The stuff is growing at an astounding rate.

I think I've got some sun sensitivity going on. I haven't really gotten blistered but I keep getting bright red and one of the side effects of metholtrexate is sun sensitivity. I'm not a happy camper. Everything I enjoy is being slowly taken away from me and it is very, very frustrating. 

I'm headed to bed now. I just decided to stop the depressing post and get some sleep. I'm tired and that's probably why I'm bummed. That and the fact that I have stuff I must get done yesterday!

Dream a Little Dream... Tell Me What It Means

https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

To be honest, I feel mentally and emotionally better today than I have in a few weeks. Not sure why. I had a dream last night that could be the reason my spirits are up. I dreamed I had a handbag full of money. I have no idea where it came from and I knew I wouldn't have a job.

Yes, I know its funny. I'm laughing, too. But I can see it even now, a stack of bills, sitting neatly and orderly in my handbag. There was $1000. At least, I think it was $1000. That's the figure I had in my head.

No, I do not run around with $1000 in my handbag. If you ask anyone who knows me they will tell you I never have cash. Ever. I keep fifty cents in the car for the shopping carts at Aldi's and Ruler's. That's my cash. I might have a hand full of pennies for the children's penny march on Sundays but actual money, bills, dead presidents? Never. So, seeing a stack of money in my handbag is highly amusing, especially that amount. That's hysterical. But there it was, a neat stack of bills totaling $1000.

I have no idea where the money came from, where I was, nor why I had it. I feel like someone gave me the money but I didn't see someone give it to me. As in all dreams, it just was there.

At some point in my dream I was in my car with a blond woman sitting next to me. I didn't know her. I've never seen her before. She had this really bright smile and happy look on her face and you could feel the happiness from her.

I don't know where she came from or why she was in the car with me but she got out of the passenger seat and started to walk away on the driver's side. I called to her I think, because she turned back to the car and leaned over to look into the open driver's window. She just had such happy face, beaming at me.

I was distressed and I think I was sobbing. I said, "It is just so horrible. I can't take it anymore. I told God if he wasn't gone by July 1st that I just couldn't stay. I can't stand it anymore. I hate that I have to leave and he gets to keep his job."

She grinned at me, tilted her head to one side and laughed. "Just you wait," she said. "Just you wait." She winked at me and walked away.

That was the end of my dream. At least, it is all I remember. Such a weird dream.

Anyone do dreams?

#dreams
#portents

Cutting, Pinching, Planning

This was the view from my lounge chair on the patio late this afternoon around 4 or 5 p.m. I'd been there for most of the day. I have Sarah for the weekend because her mom is sick and we didn't get up in time for church. She was disappointed and so was I but I was lucky to get up at all. Once breakfast was over and we read a bit of the Bible, we headed out back and there we stayed, she all over the  place, talking non-stop while I lay in a chair and tried not to move more than necessary.

My back is killing me and I've had leg cramps off and on all day. I cut the yard yesterday, well the back yard. Mike did the front and the weed trimming. We also dug out the flower bed. I will be putting in the flowers this week. I'm itching to get to that. However, setting up the bed nearly did me in.

We had to do more than dig out the bed. That was actually fairly easy. The ground was soft from all the rain. Mike dug out the area and put the dirt in my John Deere wheel barrow and Sarah and I shifted the dirt around, removing grass and breaking it up. My sister, Phyllis showed up to help. She shouldn't have but I was glad she did. We had to pull the lattice off the front and clean out small trees that were growing under the porch, take the staples out and clean the lattice. We lay a ground cover under there to prevent a return of the growth. We rehung the cleaned and bleached lattice on nails so it will be much easier to remove should we need to do so. Then, we put the dirt back in the bed and added edging stones. It looks nice. The price... lots of pain and exhaustion by the time we were done. We broke the wheelbarrow but I think I can repair it. It is plastic and the bolts broke through the holes. I think if I buy large washers and some longer screws we can repair it and get a couple more years out of it. I got it free last year. Now I know why.

The end result of Saturday was that I was nearly dead by the time I got to bed. I'm still having some pain and swelling in my hands from the RA but all the rest is simply the result of using muscles too long dormant. My lower back has been a problem for years because my core is simply not strong enough. Last week it was Latissimus Dorsi that were complaining and this week it is my lumbar region. My legs aren't happy either.

I've got to start wearing tanning lotion. I don't tan well as I tend to freckle. Always did but at least I don't get sunburned much anymore, well, only mildly. But I'm getting a lot more sun these days and it helps my mood. My levels were over the limit and my doctor stopped all my Vitamin D supplements. That's the first time in nearly 7 years that I've been off D.

I've had a great couple of weekends in some ways. It is rewarding to see things come together here at the house. I love working outside and doing things. I just don't often feel well and I have to have help with things I want to do myself. And there is nothing like asking people who don't really want to help you to help. It's frustrating and I usually just let things go because of that. But for a few weeks now I've really got some things pulled together and it feels nice. All but the part where I feel like I've been run over by a bus. That's not so good.

Tomorrow I got back to work and I wish I could have more time at home. However, this weekend I've finally realized that I don't have many choices about the course my life takes. I never did have many choices to start with but now there are virtually none. I can stay at this job and have the money I need to continue to live securely as long as the job last. Or I can leave, tighten my belt, and maybe enjoy what life I have left to me.

When someone as close as a spouse dies you are faced with how very tenuous life really is and how very fast it can end. You try and make the most of it by going forward but every step cost you. For a long time I didn't much care one way or the other except other people relied on me for help. I couldn't lie down and die. So I went to work in an environment that has become increasingly toxic. If you look at the blogs there was a point about three years ago when it seemed I was making my way out of that dark pit into which Death had tossed me. At some point, something happened and suddenly I'm was in worse shape than I was when Jerry died. I can truthfully say I have never, ever been as sick in my life as I have been in the last two years. And it isn't over. I don't know if it will ever be better again.

I kept counting the dollar cost of leaving this job and taking my retirement. It will be a cut of  more than 50%. Think about that for a second. I won't mention my salary here but think about your own income. This month you have your normal income. Next month, you get 50% of it and from now own that is what you live on. Could you do it?

I'm sick of the graft, the favoritism, and the outright fraud. If you had any idea how much of it is going on both inside your government and by those receiving government assistance, you'd be horrified. It really is worse than you think. The money pours out of the federal coffers at a rate I can't begin to explain and into the hands of the most undeserving people I've ever met. They have created some of the most elaborate methods to lie and cheat that you'd not believe me if I told you.

Then you have those in charge who actually tell people how to cheat the system. Don't think it isn't happening. It is. All over this country. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being told I'm harsh when I make a decision to terminate assistance from a lying, cheating, fraud and told, "I'd do the same thing" by those in charge. I'm tired of being ridiculed because I refuse to accept that attitude or excuse the guilty. I'm tired of being made to feel like I've committed a crime when I when I refuse to accept as fact something the PTB say is true when I know for a fact it isn't. I'm sick of managers who "bend the rules" to suit their own agendas. I've worked in this environment for 15+ years and it wasn't like this when I started. The last 10 years I have seen it escalate to the point that I'm horrified that so many people are thieves and liars. I'm disgusted by management that is no better than the lying thieves getting the assistance.

Can I live off half the income I've been living on for the last 5 years? I think, if I don't try, I'll die anyway, a lot sooner. So, I've spent the last several days considering my options and the most attractive option is that I might live longer and happier if I quit, even if I have to pinch pennies and cut coupons. I might be able to get another job but looking around here, it is doubtful. I can't plan on it. I can't plan on anything.

The Price of Fame

For the first time since I started this blog in 2005 I've had to turn on word verification. I'm getting slammed with spam from dummies from overseas with commercial sites. They're pretending to be reading the blog and commenting on my wonderful content and excellent layout. All have badly worded comments that are obviously from a translation and probably being sent by bots.

First, I'm not stupid. I don't have anything approaching wonderful content. It is a personal journal that gets comments mostly from people I've been acquainted with in some way for years. While I do like the visual aspect of my blog, again, it isn't typical nor earth shaking. So, obviously, the dopes sending the lunch meat can't even program their bots to fool anyone. What a waste of time.

Just like the canned counterpart, spam stinks, tastes nasty, and is more or less meat parts trying to pass for steak. So, I've turned on the word verification feature and you'll have to type in a bunch of numbers or letters and submit if you comment, making it more difficult and frustrating for some to leave a comment.

Ah, the price of fame. Suddenly, I'm worth spamming. Who knew.

Through the Wringer and Out Back

Today is not a good day. I'll just tell you up front. Sometime during the night I went through a wringer washer and every joint is screaming in pain today. Many of you won't remember wringer washers but believe it or not it revolutionized laundry for the common housewife and rumor has it that it broke a few arms in the process. Let me just tell you, it is painful.

As I type this I hear heavy thunder which tells me another round is coming. I've called my RA doctor several times but no one answers the phone. You have to leave a message. I did but since she isn't even in but a few days a week, I have no idea when someone will get back to me. So, this isn't going to improve soon.

Before my journey through said wringer, the weekend was productive as far as getting the yard in shape. I still don't have my flowers out and at this point, I'm not sure when I will... if I will. The weather has turned rather, well, not exactly nasty but repeatedly wet at inconvenient times. However, we have a couple of raised beds with stuff planted. My sister and I are doing this together and we eat different things; it became apparent when we shopped for stuff to plant. I don't do yellow squash but like zucchini. I don't do okra but she does. I don't do eggplant but she does. We ran into difficulty finding things we really wanted that we both liked.

Also, it seems that everyone in Indiana eats huge quantities of tomatoes because they had hundreds of plants of a half dozen varieties. Since tomatoes give me acid reflux I don't do those either, although I do like them. We did buy one of the low acid variety and maybe I can have a few BLT's or just a plain old tomato sandwich. Love those. 

We got a couple of blackberry vines but probably won't see berries in quantity until next spring. I don't care. Sarah is going to pick blackberries. Never heard of cultivating the things until I came here and there are no dirt roads where you can just stroll along and eat them right off the vine until you bust. 

 We bought some seeds but it is rather late to start those but what the hay, we did anyway. Maybe we'll have three different varieties of beans. I was flabbergasted at what they didn't sell here. Not turnip, collard, or mustard seeds. 

And wonder of wonders, I bought a fig tree! Yes I did. This is another thing I have missed. You can't find a fig tree here to save you. I grew up eating fresh figs. Mama made jelly and preserves. I just want them fresh. I know that these things may never get big enough before I die to get more than a few figs but I'm good with that. 

I went to bed 11 a.m. and dozed for about two hours. I simply couldn't take it anymore and had to get my hands under the covers and warm. I wasn't really cold but I just didn't know what else to do. It helped marginally. When I got up, I wasn't feeling a whole lot better. I've not been able to do anything today but sit and read and stare at the rain falling.

The rain continues to fall in spurts but very heavy ones and the air is nice and cool. I am slightly better at 6:30 p.m. than I was at noon, when I began this post. I'm headed to the kitchen for some chili and then to the bathroom for a hot shower. 

My doctor's office never did call me back. I don't suppose it matters. Hands still hurt and burn. Nothing they can do for me. It would be nice to ask though. 

Rememberance

It was a beautiful day outside today. I got up this morning, pain in my neck, and headed out to the hospital lab to get blood work done for my primary care doctor. I decided that since my rheumatologist has standing orders for me to have blood test every 4 weeks I thought it was a good idea to kill two birds with one stone and combined the draw for both doctors. Only one stick.

After I left the vampires behind, I headed back home, changed my shoes and went to the cemetery to walk. I was surprised. I've been walking at there for almost a year now, off and on. It is just a beautiful place but I rarely see anyone about, even the cleaning crews. It is part of the reason I like walking there.

Today was different. The place seemed to be crawling with people and cars. They were coming and going and I had to get off the road a couple of times to allow two cars to pass. Most were old people, some on walkers, and some were probably middle age, and there were a couple of young mothers with children. Everyone had flowers and I noticed that flowers were more prevalent all over the cemetery. I found myself feeling a bit put out by all the coming and going but comforted by the fact someone remembered.

America is not a culture of death. Quite the contrary, we exhibit life with all the stops pulled out, never thinking about tomorrow, never looking back. We're a country focused on, as one beer company used to put it, "all the gusto you can get." We live for and in the moment, at break-neck speed. It is why drugs are so popular. When this feverish existence seems to slow down, because life actually runs at a much slower pace than we force it to, we are faced with normalcy and the drugs speed things up again. When you're moving so fast, reality is a blur you can ignore.

So, cemeteries are places we go when we die, to be forgotten. It is where life stops. If you don't believe me, ask anyone if they visit the cemeteries for any reason and how often. You may even get a few pulled faces and comments about morbidity and creepiness. But if you ask the same folks if they want to be forgotten, they will tell you they don't. In fact, I think most of us don't believe we will be forgotten. 

As I walked today, around each curve someone was getting out of a car, bending over a grave, placing flowers, or leaving a grave site. It was moving in an odd way. Of course, you know me, always find the flaw in the pattern, I realized that my home is not here. I have no extended family here but a granddaughter, son and a sister, none of whom I believe will remain here when I am gone, if they outlive me. My granddaughter, especially will likely go off to college, meet a Prince Charming and move somewhere else. I'm not likely to see that. And I will lie here in this cemetery, forgotten. No one will lay flowers or stare at my name carved in the stone and remember me.

This has bothered me a lot since Jerry died. As I said, no one wants to be forgotten. One of my greatest sorrows has always been that my Mama lies in a cemetery so far away I can't visit her grave and place flowers on it. I know that they're not "there" but this desire to leave mementos on graves is as old as humanity. It is inherent in us. Archaeologist repeatedly find sites of ancient burials with the remains of flowers and other mementos that were left by the living. Maybe some people do not have this inclination but it is so prevalent around the world that I wonder what is wrong with those who don't. What has happened to change us? 

It used to be even more common for people to visit cemeteries than it is today. Latin American countries have Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) where whole families have veritable picnics in cemeteries to pay homage to their dead and celebrate their life. Asia and Africa have many special ceremonies to honor their dead.  While these may seem extreme or weird to us, I don't find the intent odd at all. 

I rounded the last curve in my walk and the VA section came into view. I saw all those flags waving in the breeze. I saw the flowers I  placed on Jerry's grave and flowers other's had placed on their loved one's grave. I walked over to Jerry's and adjusted it. I read the name carved in the stone. I looked at the rows of graves of those who served this country, some sacrificing their life for it. More than a hundred small flags fluttered in the breeze and there were more on other Veteran graves in other parts of the cemetery. Monday there will be a memorial service here and the names of all the veterans who died in the last 12 months will be read aloud. There will be a 21 gun salute fired and a benediction given. For this weekend, at least, they are remembered. 

For those of you who are still with us who served and those who still serve, you are a special breed and you have my eternal thanks for your service to this nation. 

Remembering The Rules

Today I was reading a set of penalties posted on Facebook for parents to use with their kids. It focused on doing good things to earn points to revoke grounding. It was a brilliant idea. It reminded me of the set of "rules" we posted on our refrigerator for our sons when they were teenagers. When they got in trouble they had to read them and specifically focus on the item that applied to their situation. It was posted on the fridge for years and I remember when they finally moved out, I took it down and the paper was all stiff and the ink faded but it was still legible.

As I read over them again today it reminded me that I wasn't a terrible parent. I did do some things right and now, years after I wrote and posted these rules, I can look at my sons and realize that despite their flaws, we didn't do a terrible job. If I compare the positive with the negative I can see that something got through to them. I see caring and compassion men who show respect for others, well, most of the time. No one is perfect here. They love their country and respect its laws and as far as possible, its leaders. They believe in the rights of others and when those rights are infringed, they are incensed. They recognize the dangers of tyranny and want to fix it. 

They love God. This has always been so important to us. We saw how the world was failing and we feared that they would stray far away from their faith and never find their way back. And they did stray but we also watched, with great fear, as they struggled to return to that faith and to reinstate the values we tried to instil in them. We often feared the struggle would end in failure. Their dad is dead now but I know, were he alive, he'd feel so relieved at some of the changes in his sons. He'd be so proud of them.

I am blessed with good boys. There are things I'd change if I could but they became who they are because of who we were and how we raised them. And if there is something I don't understand about them or can't accept, I have to deal with that.  As adults, it is up to them to fine tune their character if it needs it. I hope we gave them the tools to do that. Reading those rules and seeing the results of our work, I think we might have done. I hope so.

Rules of Respect

1. Show courtesy to everyone. Please, Thank you, Sir, M’am, You’re welcome, and excuse me, are all keys that open doors. Everyone likes respect. You get what you give.
2. Ask first. Do not take something that is not yours. If you “borrow” without asking, it is stealing. Get permission
3. Wait your turn. Do not interrupt others when they are talking. Or, if you are not part of the conversation and need to speak to someone, “excuse me” is an appropriate way to get their attention if you have waited for several minutes.
4. Know who’s in charge. If you see a need or problem, do not give orders – find the person in charge and politely mention the problem. If you have not been put specifically in charge, allow the person in charge to give the orders.
5. Refuse to argue. Ask if you can quietly discuss the problem. The Bible says “a soft answer turneth away wrath.” Usually, it is hard to yell at someone who won’t yell back. After a while they get tired. Remember, sometimes it doesn’t work, especially if you have wrecked the car or broken curfew.
6. Allow the other person to be right. No one is right all the time but neither are they always wrong. YOU could be wrong. It is more embarrassing to loudly declare you’re right and be proven wrong than it is to keep your mouth shut and let others loudly declare when you are right.
7. Offer help. If someone is ill, physically unable to do a chore, or simply needs an extra pair of hands, offer to help. Do not wait to be asked. Offer kindly. If your help is refused, say nothing and allow them to do it themselves. If asked -- give your help to the best of your ability.
8. Respect other’s privacy. Do not ask questions about someone’s personal life unless it will affect you personally. For example: You do not need to know about someone’s sex life unless you plan to have sex with them. Do not tell secrets you have been told unless there is a danger involved or a crime. Do not listen in on others’ conversations uninvited. Do not tell something you have overheard in a private conversation. Would you want someone to tell your secrets?
9. Do unto others. If you want kindness, give it. If you want love, give it. If you want help, give it. If you want friendship, give it. If you want understanding, give it. If you want fairness, give it. If you want truth, give it. If you want joy, give it. If you want peace, give it. If you don’t want any of this, do nothing and you’ll get nothing.
10. Overlook the jerks. There will ALWAYS be someone who defies all of the above. And because of it, no matter what you do, it will never be enough or it will always be wrong – to them. Walk away and smile. If you have done your best and followed the rules, you have won anyway. Always, always, always let them go before you. When the axe falls, it will be their head that rolls.

You have been taught a set of values. If you choose to abandon these, we will not avert the consequences of your actions. If you get arrested, we will not bail you out; if you catch a disease, we cannot cure you or even get expensive medical care. Adult behavior requires adult responsibility. You are on your own when you set your own values and rules of behavior. If they conflict with our moral code, you must move out and support yourselves. We will still love you but we made our choices before you were born. We have not changed our minds since then and will not do so now. As a result, we may lose you but if we give in, not only will we lose you but we will also lose ourselves.

Litany of Lament

Just when you think things might improve, they don't. After a long and torturous week, I woke to some very unusual symptoms. I ached all over particularly my hands. The index finger of my right hand was doing something weird. I held my hand open and that finger remained at a 90 degree angle at the middle knuckle. I couldn't not straighten it, no matter how hard I tried. Finally, I took my left hand and pushed the finger forward and it snapped up, just like you'd snap a lid, with the same snap feel. Not terribly painful but down right freaky. I closed my fist and tried again. I did this several times to test it and it happened each time. All the joints were stiff and hurting. 

In addition, my right leg was in a vice. I was having continual cramps from the hip all the way to the ball of my foot which felt as if it were crushed. I could barely stand on it and it felt as if the tissue inside my foot was jelled. I've had major pain in the foot and cramps up and down the leg all day. I have no idea what it is or the cause. I suspect the foot and hip is the RA and this could cause the cramps I suppose. 

In a few hours of rising, the finger seemed to have recovered its sanity and was working normally, very little pain remained in my hands. The foot and leg... not so much. It is pretty much agony and walking is simply unbearable. My ankle feels sprained. But I got out and cut the back lawn because I simply refuse to go quietly. There is no knight in shinning armor coming to my rescue, no hero going to save the day, no dashing man to hand me a drink. tell me to take it easy, and offer to take care of things. I eventually may end up wheeling myself to the mower but if that's what I  have to do...well, then I'll do it.

We've had a cold snap with lots of damp. I suspect this is the catalyst for all the stuff that's been happening to me. On Wednesday the physical therapist was at a loss. All the apparent progress seemed to have evaporated and she didn't know what to do. She opted for less to see if I could recover by Monday. Long term I've had a pretty good run but if the trend continues, I'm not so sure this is going to end well. Already walking is looking bleak. 

And in other news.... it is freaky cold! What happened to spring? You can bet it will end abruptly and be an arid opposite with intense humid heat. I haven't been able to walk because of the cold and my foot. Soon the humidity will make it miserable to be outside.

Ok, nuff said on that.