Wednesday Wind Up

HRH arrived in full force. Princess Sarah entertained me for about three hours tonight while Mommie went to the ER. Mom is sick with asthma, bronchitis and a slight case of pneumonia. She got drugs and they've gone home. 

I've spent the evening playing cards - Old Maid & Go Fish, listing to Scooby Doo movies, and watching Terra Nova while she played with Playdoh. And chatted with friends online. All together a relatively tame evening.

Dave worked on my shoulder and right at this very second there is NO PAIN in that shoulder! Boy is gifted, I'm telling you. Seriously, NO pain in my shoulder. As soon as he starts whatever he does, it stops. I'm getting ready to go to bed so I can try an sleep. I forgot to take one of my meds and will probably have trouble sleeping but we'll see. Once that pain is under control life is a bit more bearable. 

Becca informed me there were Apostolic dating services. {shakes head} I don't know what to do with such information. Filed under research. I have discovered I'm not really ready for the 21st century. I don't know if I ever will be. Also need to research when the next parade is happening. Hey, you meet some nice people at parades.

Now that I have you all laughing hysterically, I'm going to bed. Have a good night.

Mid-Week Update

The day started with milky sun but has progressed to a nice clabbered grey. There appears to be rain heading our way... again. I truly hate this weather.

I didn't have a great day yesterday. I guess if you read the blog you could tell. I tend to let things people say gnaw at me. A friend sort of pulled me up by my boot straps and I think I'm less depressed about it. At least my outlook isn't so dark. 

My neck and shoulder, however, are miserable. I don't know what to do about it. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm tired because it wakes me up. I know that the tired can become a problem. I took an ice pack to bed last night. Yes, under the electric blanket. Helped for a bit. I've not been online as much this week because sitting at the computer is a problem. I've mostly just laid around and watched t.v. and tried to read. Even reading is a bit of a problem. Putting any strain on this neck just keeps it going.

I'm really annoyed in some ways. This isn't intended to be gross but if you have a problem with it, just skip to the next paragraph or post. I probably need a breast reduction. They mentioned it before when I had that cervical block to my neck and on the follow-up. I'm blessed, endowed, burdened whatever you want to call it but carrying this around is not good. If they took me back to what I was when I came here, 20 yrs ago, I'd lose at least 10 lbs and a dress size! The benefit would be less stress on my neck and shoulders. Don't know how Dolly does it. She's petite and has small feet. I'm 5'5" and as a teenager what they always termed "big boned". I figured out when I became an adult that is what they called females who were "early bloomers". What stupid things we use to describe people!  So my sand was where it was supposed to be. I think the drain is plugged at my waist and the sand at the top won't shift.. maybe a good thing in some respects. Not in others.

I'm glad most of my readers are women.

I'm looking forward to starting my writing plan. I am frustrated by the neck issues at the moment. It will only make it worse and I have to get that resolved. I had a whole two months of no pain! That's is what is so depressing. When you hurt so much, so long and you get these spates of no pain and you see what you're missing, and then it comes back. It becomes such a ... I don't have a word for it.

I was running late this morning because I slept late. I didn't eat breakfast and I'm starved. We will probably go to Captain D's for lunch.  In fact, it is after 11 so I can go NOW! 

Wishing on Stars

 I really hate evenings when I sit here and wish for impossible
things. I can't see stars tonight even if I could step outside and
look up. They're hidden behind clouds. Actually, that's the story of
my life.

Chris told me today she thought I felt better when I was with I was
with people. I think she made the assessment after reading various
posts on the blog. It is true.I don't have to think when  I'm occupied
with chatter and noise and busyness. I get tired easily from it all
end up nearly collapsed by bedtime but still, I am somewhere else for
a bit. I step out of my world into one that is nearly normal. I
forget, forcibly at times, what's waiting.  But I always have to come
home.

You don't have to read any further. It is the same story. At the
moment, I'm wrestling with another headache, neck ache, and truly
dismal outlook. What really frustrates me is that I don't really have
a solution. They told me I wouldn't. That it wouldn't stop hitting me
for years. Yes, years.

I found some relief in October and November. But truthfully, I don't
want to live in a fictional world. I never was one of those soap fans.
You know, they talk about the characters as if they just went to the
bathroom with them and chatted back and forth in the stalls. Not me. I
could never get into that. It's worse now. Watching t.v. doesn't work
for me. The images can be down right painful. Ever watch someone do
CPR on a medical show. I have to leave the room. Ever watch weddings,
funerals, and love scenes?  I have to leave the room. Ever see
reunions and leave takings? Yeah, I have to leave the room.  Movies,
oh my goodness! I remember shortly after Jerry died, I watch The
Saint, one of my favorite movies.  I simply went to bed and cried for
hours at the end of it. How stupid is that? I never cry at movies,
ever... I didn't used to. Another reason I won't go to movies alone.
At least with someone you are to concerned about making a fool of
yourself.

Reading is almost as bad. The imagery is not as physical. It's more in
my head and easier to escape. Still, I've had several books I've
simply put down and not gone back to pick up in two years. I could
read a dozen books a month once.

I should just go to bed and try to sleep. I don't think about the real
world. The sleep, perchance to dream... Hamlet had his own nightmares.

To die, to sleep—
No more—and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep—
To sleep—perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub!
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

You know, I never understood Hamlet's speech before! I've read the
complete works of Shakespeare and I've read and seen this play. I
never understood it! I did tonight. There's something to be said for
despair.

I'm going to stop. There are no stars to wish on and if I could, it
would be wasted.

Christmas Carols 2011 Part 2

Please try and laugh a bit and don't send me mail.... I thought it was funny. And I just love Star Wars!

Softly Falls

I woke this morning to another gloomy day but to actually less pain. I shuffled to get my coffee, because in the mornings my legs do not work well, particularly my feet. I said once it was like walking barefoot on gravel. Still is.  

As I moved to other rooms I heard the soft patter of rain drops. It was raining. I got my coffee and returned to my room to get ready for work. Most things were not hurting this morning. So, just before rain things hurt. Once rain begins, it eases up. {sigh} No wonder people move to the desert. I took my time dressing until I realized I'd over slept by half an hour. One thing about wearing hair down... you can sleep later. 

I can't remember if I mentioned it yesterday. I was invited by Loraine, one of my Asylum inmates, to go to a gathering last night. Ladies in her church meet, I think monthly, and play Bunco. Not sure of the spelling but that's close enough. Loraine is one of my favorite people and I agreed. I had a nice time, had a really good bowl of taco soup, and won a prize, which was a surprise since I've never played the game before. Dice game where you really want to roll sixes. I enjoyed myself and came home around 8:30. Got a hot shower and snacks, watch Grimm and went to bed. I was so tired.

I actually slept better last night. I'm waking up dehydrated but I'm drinking water when I wake up. I keep some by the bed so I don't have to get up and mess up my sleep.  Still, it takes most of a morning to re-hydrate. I'm going to ask about it when I go back to the doctor on the 20th. 

I'm again trying to get a sleep schedule in place. When I do that I rest better and when I get more sleep I feel better. Seems sleep is the only thing that helps. I stayed at home and raised my children until Dave started school in 1998. Until then I could sleep later and rest if I needed to but I seldom needed it. I had lots of energy and did all kinds of physical things. Jerry used to laugh and say he didn't know where the furniture would be sometimes when he came home. It is why it is so very frustrating to be so tired. Can't do a lot of things I need to do.

I'm going to get back to work now. The rain is still falling softly outside my window and the sky is a uniform grey. I'd love to be curled up with a book and hot cocoa. Later.

Christmas Carols 2011

Did You Ever Wonder?

I'm curious. I have my blog on Multiply and I can see who visits the blog. Periodically I go through the history and check out the blogs of those who visited but who are not in my contacts.


No so with Blogger, which is just a mirror of my Multiply blog. I had Blogger long before I had either Yahoo 360 or Multiply. And I still like it. Some time ago Blogger added a stats feature. It's really good but it only tells you that x number of people visited your blog for a given time span: day, week, month and year.


This year, I put my blogger address on my NaNo profile and in the first month I had 1000 hits! I was stunned. People were actually coming by? Yep. I'm still getting a lot of hits and always one or two from my profile page. It's interesting and I am left wondering. Who are they?


I know I've gained a couple of new friends from NaNo who have actually told me they read my blog. But 1000? And since the 12th of November there have been over 920 hits. I went from 4500 over years to 7500 in two months. That just blows my mind. I'm not that interesting.


Then, I think, maybe they just go look at the home page and move on. But that blogger stat page... it tells me what pages they visit. Yeah! I can see what post got how many visits.


Then I get to wondering what people think. On Multiply, contacts leave comments and that's nice. People don't tend to do that on Blogger. Some do, but not most. I'm not writing a political rant usually so those who would comment won't. I'm generally not posting some controversial religious rant. I usually am pretty rude about saying "Take it or leave it. I'm not interested in debating." So, that cuts another group. And I don't do book reviews, helpful hints, or recipes. So, another whole sector gone. So, I figure I pretty much remove any opportunity for people to comment.


It's o.k. But I'm so curious about the numbers. Of course it could just be trolling bots clicking the numbers over. Somehow it seems more obscene to think you've had a bot skulking about staring in your windows rather than a real person. Yes. I mean, what do they want with what they learn? Who are they reporting to? Should I be concerned? Are these things plotting to strike at bloggers in some nefarious fashion? Do they take your site down? Do they turn your posts to gibberish? Will they send evil minions to your home to invade your electrical system? Will they take out your internet? Fry your modem? Infiltrate your wi-fi printer and use all you ink?


I'm just curious. And I'm really, really bored.

Sunny Monday At Last!

Yesterday was not a very good day, I'm afraid. The nagging headache still clung to me like slime. I went to church in the morning but went straight home and applied ice to my neck and shoulder and lay on the sofa the rest of the day and watched t.v. on the computer and read from my Kindle. I was just miserable and I hate days like that.

I did still wake up with the neck pain and mild headache but as the day has progressed the pain has lessened. And... it is sunny today! I truly think some of it is caused by certain chairs and the arms on the desk chairs. I find myself propping on my left arm and it really creates tension in my neck and shoulder. I'm working on it. I think if I checked back several months there was another place that I had a similar problem and it was positional pain. Of course, last night I had to take all the pillows out from beneath my head. 

I am enjoying the Kindle. I have over 50 books on that thing already, all free ones. There are a lot of free books. I'm reading three items now. Yes, I do that pretty regularly when I read. Never just one book going. That doesn't include blogs and other kinds of websites. 

I went to lunch at Cancun today. Mexican restaurant. Don't know if I mentioned that. It is a bit farther away than the other one I usually go to but they had a fire and are shut down while they remodel. Food it good, place is decorated nicely and I just like it. But I'll be glad when the other opens back up. 

OH! Sherlock Holmes is going to be at the theater next weekend! I am dying to see that movie. I loved the last one with Robert Downey Jr. I love to watch him. I won't go by myself but I'll be bumming up someone to go with me between now and then. LOL, how sad is that?

I missed seeing the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean because I didn't want to go alone. I guess this time, if it comes down to it I will but it isn't much fun to see a good movie by yourself.

All right. Piles of paperwork at my elbow are demanding attention. I'm still playing catch up. I'm hoping to get it all caught up today or tomorrow so I can work on stuff going forward. 

Hope you are all having a really nice day.

"If things improve with age, then I am approaching magnificence." - From the side of my blue coffee mug.

End of the Day

I have spent the evening watching t.v. shows online. I am about to go to bed and hope to goodness I can get up in the morning and go to church. 

All things considered my weekend has been a positive one, despite that nagging headache that still plagues me. I really think it is my neck. I may need to get an ice pack and put on it but it is so cold outside and I get cold so easy. 

I don't know if I mentioned I bought a Kindle yesterday. My Christmas present to myself. I bought it and began using it immediately. I actually thought about wrapping it. I know, stupid, isn't it. Buying gifts for myself is not fun. So I don't. Not really. I usually have something from some family member so it's fine. But its the missing things that get to you. It isn't the number under the tree or at your birthday. It's the ones that aren't there that remind you. Probably why my anniversary is so hard. So, while buying something for myself for Christmas was nice and was just what I wanted... it loses some of the luster  of a gift from someone special. You can't get that back. Nothing is special anymore. 

I'm not going into a depressing drone so cheer up. I'm only stating the facts. I can't help how it sounds. I can't change how it feels. It is what it is, what it is.

Anyway, I have to buy everyone's gifts this week. We are supposed to try and put the tree up next weekend. I asked the kids to come over and we'll have dinner and do it then. I don't think I want to do it alone so if they don't come, I won't put it up. I'm simply not going to deal with it. I'll be sorry but I think not as sorry as I'd be if I have to do it alone. 

Still not sure what I'll do with the holiday. I think I'll be cooking.... but I got to get busy if I'm doing dressing. I hate doing it all on that day. Monster preparing dressing the way I do it.. old fashioned stuff that takes a couple of days prep work. So.. must get my act together. 

Haven't written much. The headache makes it difficult. But I'm reading a free writing e-book I got called Hooked. I like it. Only on the second chapter but he's already given me some insights to some things I need to address. I think I posted this link on one of the blogs. Might be on the Asylum blog. There was a link to five free e-books on writing. 

I'm off. I'm really ready to call it a night. 

Success

The TGIO get together was a lovely success. I had my super college students Kai and his girlfriend, Rachael and his sister Erin, all came and they are just the sweetest kids! They came to a lot of the write-ins and were just wonderful supports. Another Wrimo, DeWayne, who works and had been unable to come to the write-ins came by. His daughter was supposed to come but she was ill. He too was very nice and I got to chat with everyone. 

I truly had a good time as the ML this year and I hope next year I'll have a bit more time to get things organized. The site remodel kind of delayed supplies so I didn't really know what to do or how. Pantsing is not what you want to do as ML. Writing that way is one thing but not organizing meetings.

Dave & Becca came by for a little while and they just left. All together, I've had a rather nice day. Even with a mild headache. I'm going to get a nice hot shower and relax. I have to take Mike home shortly.  He helped me get things set up. I'll be back later

Finally Nearly Over

You know that feeling when NaNo is over and you feel a huge weight lifted? Well, as ML I have discovered that you don't actually get that right away.... No. You have a TGIO to plan and then you sweat and wonder if anyone will show up! Maybe they will, maybe they won't. 

This isn't a very active region for NaNo participants but could be because they've not had an ML in ages. People sign up but who know. I had six RSVPs and that's what I prepared for and gave the directions to. I'm glad it was a small group! But... now I'm sitting here the last 45 minutes and wondering if they will show up. And I'll be really embarrassed if only one or two do... well, I mean... when you say TGIO party you think crowd.. right? LOL. I do.

That's why I purposely termed it a "get together". Cause I didn't expect anyone to even come. But then, I didn't for the Meet and Greet either... and 18 did. 

I hate waiting. But once this is done... I'll be glad truly able to say TGIO!

I'll be back to let you all know how it went. So far every person I've met through NaNo has just been really nice. I know three of those supposed to be here today. I'm sure the other three are, too.

Friday Free?

Took the day off! I have things I really want to do and a Saturday just isn't enough time.

I suppose if you asked me directly how things were... I'd say life, in general, isn't much fun. I've discovered that there are brief moments when you can totally drown out the voices or the movies that run continually in your head. But to do that all the time is impossible and would be so exhausting that you couldn't survive. I don't have the capacity to do it as much as I need. Not sure if anyone would. I sort of just do what I can. I'm pretty sure it is why I've decided on an aggressive writing plan. I was insanely busy for November and managed to drown out everything. People around me hated it because they couldn't get through. Now, that's done, I need to stop that bitch in my brain from her infernal prattling and screaming. I don't want to think. Or if I do, I don't want to think about my life or lack of. I'll make one up and solve someone else's problems.

There is the very real instinct to run. All right, that makes no sense but it's true. There is, and has been for a while, this instinct to run, find a cave, and simply stay there and avoid prying eyes and questions and... all of it. Impossible, I know. I hate the empty house and my vacant life. For those of you who think children are a comfort to widows, you're full of crap. They aren't. They weren't ever meant to be and that's another example of stupid assumptions. They don't know how to do anything about it. They try but when they see it doesn't work they give up. I adore my family but this kind of just destroyed it. We have a hard time doing the things we did before because there's always this empty chair and no one wants to face it. So we don't. I don't ever to expect to have any of that back. I'm not even pursuing it because it is too much effort.

I have not decided if I'll put up my tree or not. I would like to but it is also too much effort and absolutely no fun at all for me anymore. I've done it all my life but it has suddenly became unimportant. I can remember helping Mama decorate the tree. Then I can remember when she told me I could do it all by myself. She would sit and watch me. I remember decorating it with Jerry. He'd help string the lights, put the hooks in and hand me things and I'd decorate the tree. I remember the boys learning to decorate the tree and then I remember coming home from work and David had the tree up and was waiting for me to get the lights sorted out so he could put the decorations on while I supervised him. Next, I remember coming in from work and he had it nearly done. I remember Sarah's first Christmas where she really noticed the lights and toddled around oohing and ahhing over them and all the little things I had near the bottom of the tree. My tree is always child friendly with decorations that appeal to children and tend to be a bit funny, like Santa with his feet in a tub of hot water and a hot water bottle on his head and wrapped in a blanket, or the cat hanging from a wreath.

I don't remember if I put it up after Jerry died. I don't think I did....I have a couple of times since but this year.. don't know. Anyway, I've made no move to bring any of it in. I even have a Christmas village.. haven't put that up in years because I had no room to do so.

I have running to do today and Sue has not come to clean. Not sure why so may have to call her. I don't want to be here while she cleans. It bugs me because I feel unsettled and as if I should be cleaning, too. She doesn't need the distraction of me hovering. I'd hate it.

I have plans to get Sarah today. That will be a bit hectic but at least I will be occupied with other things. So, I have nothing else to complain about I'm off to do my errands.

The Beginning

A couple of the girls I work with and I were talking about some things at work and I ended up telling them how I met Jerry. Don't know if I ever told that here. But here's the tale. 

November 27, 1973 the town of Andalusia, Alabama held its annual Christmas Parade. I was 17. It is a small town and your typical All American but Southern town cheering for the Crimson Tide during football season and their own Bulldogs and celebrating the 4th of July with hot dogs and watermelon. The parade would not be long. 

It had rained all day and I did not want to go to the parade. It wasn't my thing. But my brother, Billy wanted to go. Since there was no one else to take him, Mama asked me to do it. I moaned a bit but she said please and I'd do just about anything to please Mama. So I took him. 

We found a parking place and then staked out a spot on the town square right at the street side. I had quit school in the spring and was taking correspondence classes at home. One of my school friends saw me and ran over and asked me to come to the courthouse steps. When I attended school I sang in the chorus and they were going to sing on the steps that night. Nearly a dozen of them were friends and were standing in a circle waiting for it to start. My friend told me everyone wanted to see me. So I went. Jerry's sister, Sandra was there. She was a year ahead of me but we had been friendly. I said hello to each one and Sandra turned and said, "Oh, Cindy, this is my brother, Jerry." 

I said, "Hi, nice to meet you." And went back to talking to my friends. 

When I was done, I started back across the street and Jerry stepped up and said, "Can I walk with you?"

I said, "It's a free street. You can walk where you want."

He tagged along and when we got to the place where we were watching the parade he said, "You mind if I watch with you?"

I said, "No, you can stay if you like."

He did. 

I don't remember if we talked. I'm sure we must have a bit but I simply don't remember. He would have if I could ask him. When the parade was over, Bill and I started back to the car. I don't even remember Bill being there but he was the only reason I was there, so I know he was. Jerry followed and said, "I'd like to come and see you some time if that's all right."

I shrugged and said, "I'm not doing anything Friday night."

He said, "I'm going to Montgomery Friday to a ball game but would Saturday night be all right?"

"I'm babysitting Saturday night but if you want to come over and sit around with me you can."

He agreed. And he did come by and stayed until ten o'clock. After that we saw each other every weekend . . . until January 11, 1974 when I married him.

After the wedding, Sandra said, "After he came home from the parade that night I ask him what he thought about you."

I asked her, "What did he say?"

"He said, "I just met the girl I'm going to marry."

The Perks of A Government Job

It is gray. It is cold. But it isn't raining. Silver lining. But who'd notice a silver lining on a gray day?

I am slowing gaining on the work load. . . operative word: slowly. But a gain is a gain, right? A moment ago I prayed for there to be no interim changes for the next two weeks. By then they will have all got and lost a job three times so it will all even out. I will only have to do the work once, rather than three times.

How does that work? Client got a job. Reported job in 10 days on last of ten days or day they quit. Worked a week. Quit job. Reported quit job on first of 10 days. Got new job. Reported on last of 10 days and before verification of old job has come in. I have to send the verification every time they file one. Must hold all verifications until they come in and I can process in order. They call every week, "What's my rent?" I wait. I finally get the changes back and done. They quit new job because rent is too high ($50? $200? whatever). I start over.

And this is how the day will go.. well, there's more but if that bored you, well, you don't want to know. Or maybe you do? Have I ever told you about the woman with the cows? No? Well, that's how she gets her milk. No! She doesn't milk them! She's hooked up to the cows and .... yes. 

How about the woman that people always steal her bed? They also crawl into her attic and send poison in her house, too. She once appeared at the door to pay her rent to one landlord... stark naked. She's a large woman. He said he'd never rent to her again unless he could be sure she was on her meds. 

Or the guy who kicked the bathroom sink off the wall? There is the woman who is about 78 and her boyfriend is a 30 yr old paranoid schizophrenic (remember the sink) and the Landlord was doing an inspection and found . . . wait for it. . . handcuffs under her bed.

Did I mention the one who said, "It wasn't my drugs! My friend offered me a lift. I didn't know he was going to fire a gun out the window. Then the cops pulled him over." Do tell? Um... the drugs were in her purse. "But they weren't my drugs!"

No, I am not making this up!

Then there was the mother daughter combo sitting in a meeting and I though they were ill and about to faint. Turns out they were stoned. Daughter was taking Mom's cancer pain killers. (shakes head)

How about this one. She: "I need an extra bedroom." Me: "You don't qualify for an extra bedroom." She: "I got to have one. Sometime I need my pleasure and can't be doing that with my kids around." Unfortunately... or maybe fortunately, we don't subsidize that activity... oh, wait... yes, we do! 

A different she: "Can I get assistance if I marry a felon?" Me: Raised brows. "Probably not." AND WHY WOULD YOU? Fortunately these things usually come by way of phone calls so my facial expressions are not visible. 

Yes. This is what I deal with on a daily basis. And let me tell you that I earn every stinking tax dollar you pay cause I'm the one listening to these people. Now you begin to see. This is a government job. Still want one?

Today I feel if my day is no worse than yesterday, I'll be ahead. One can only hope. 

I have to go. The phone is ringing.

A Lovely Shade of . . . Gray?

I would love to report that it is a wonderful day, filled with copious amounts of sunshine, warm breezes, and promise. I can report none of those things. Not even one.

There is no sun. I have no idea where it went or who took it but it isn't here. I have my suspicions and will investigate. There are no warm breezes. In fact, at right at this very moment it is 41F and for me, that's cold. I admit there are some hardy souls who will say that's cool. Fine, you just misspelled it. It is C-O-L-D. And it is, I'm sure, going to get colder. It is just the pits to have to pull up the garage door, back out, get out.. in the rain... and pull it down. 

Yes, I know I need an automatic opener. As soon as you send me the $300-$400 it cost, I'll get right on that.

As for promise... most days won't hold any. Too many holes.

I feeling fairly well I suppose. I have some mild pain issues. Shoulder, hip, and neck. I had some pretty severe shooting pain in the leg until I got up. If it were possible to sleep standing up I might have that licked.

But my mood is fine. I found myself laughing a lot in November and as a result, I felt really good. I'm sure some of that is carry over. I'm still talking to the people who make me laugh and so that too helps. I complain too much. I have been working on it but it is hard to see much positive when the world explodes in your face. First thing to go is your vision. 

I have my TGIO scheduled for Saturday and I am expecting no more than 10. Half that have given me positive responses so I'll be fine. Any food left over will be eaten by my horde... which includes two healthy males, as you have seen. 

I'm still writing. Started something last night.. no idea what it is or what I'm going to do with it. I'm really considering another blog but I haven't nailed down the format. I thought about one that is co-authored but two problems presented itself. Need multiple authors who are interested in doing a long running fictional blog and what if I or other supposed authors get tired of it. I supposed I could set a time limit and say, I'm doing this for x months. Of course, I could go solo and if I got tired, I just close it down. And not sure what kind of story I want to write for it. So, more thinking.

Really need something that pays.... 

It is raining. Did I say that? It is. Hasn't stopped in more than 24 hours. 

~\O  8<3

Rainy Day Sunday

The Piano Guys Do It Again!

A Saturday at Home

Matter Over Mind

If you are easily disturbed or depressed or just sick of me do not read the blog today.This will not make one bit of sense to anyone. I don't care. It doesn't to me either but better here (points to blog) than in here (taps head). 

I don't get the "mind over matter" thing at all. It means that if we want something bad enough, if we believe or try hard enough, we can obtain the goal, item, or desired outcome. If we don't like thinking something we just change our thinking! There is an old joke "if I don't mind, it doesn't  matter". And the last is probably closer to truth than the other.

I can't change one thing by believing or hoping it will change. Really. It doesn't work. I don't know what the magic words are that institute change. Today is. It is not going to be yesterday or last week or last year. It is. Fact - sun came up today. Done. I know. I've spent years wishing to go back in time.

My problem is I mind. I mind every flipping bit of it. Most of the time I try to think that it doesn't matter but it's a lie. I mind. So it does matter. 

I suddenly realized in the last few days, maybe a week, that I do not like who I am. I don't know if this is who I always was or if I changed at 21 or when my children were born, or when I turned 30 or 40 or when Jerry died. But I really do not like the person who took my place. 

I look in the mirror and I see a stranger. That person is not someone I like being around. She's not any fun at all. She's always out there, the one that people see and talk to. She's very good at camouflage, pretense. She smiles and laughs when she knows people are watching. She says all the right things at the right time. She takes care of business, keeps things together, slipping once in a while because I interfere but mostly ruling with an iron hand. The facade seldom slips and never in front of anyone who would notice or care. 

I see her without the facade. Maybe she feels the mask isn't necessary around me. I can't stand her. She's frightening. I try very hard to figure out if she's the miserable one or if it is me. She says I over think everything. That I need to accept things with a smile and stay positive and just get over myself. I need to simply accept that everything is as it must be and I need to stop rejecting it. Embrace my life, accept it, and move on. Stop minding about stuff. It doesn't matter. 

But I mind. So, it matters.  

I often wonder where everything goes. If it disappears into the ether forever or if it is floating around out there somewhere to be grasped and pulled back. I'm not talking souls here. I'm talking about what makes us who we are while we are still breathing. And I wonder if, when who we are slips away from us, we can reach out and catch something of what we were and pull it back. Can we slip into it like a comfortable old coat. I'm afraid we can't. I'm afraid that who I was is gone, disappeared forever. That if I strip away the other one, there will be nothing there. I'm afraid that everything that has been left will be gone, too. And that the truth is I don't exist anymore. I. . . believe that it is true.

And I mind. So, it really does matter.

I don't expect anyone will be able to define this. I don't want metaphysical interpretations or psycho-babel about identity or grief mumbo-jumbo. I'm not crazy. Truthfully, losing who you are is painful. Think of tying your arm to the back of a train while the rest of you is tied to the track. Yes, exactly like that. And even more truthfully, you're never quite right again. Maybe that's why I see her more clearly than I see me.

If I didn't mind, it really wouldn't matter.

But I do. And it does.

A Change in Everything

No idea what's going on today. Leg pain has disturbed my sleep for two nights now. It's terrible today and there's is just no relief for it except get up. At least that worked before. Now, it isn't helping. It isn't helped by the fact that my gait is affected. I walk different because it hurts and I suspect it hurts more because I walk different! ~~:(

Obviously the mad rush of NaNo is over... so I have more time to contemplate. I realized last night I better find something to keep my mind occupied completely or it isn't going to be a bearable holiday. Not sure it will anyway but no sense raining on everyone's parade. My blogs are likely to be real bad trips for anyone who reads them. 

I dont' look for the day to get better. I'm sitting with mounds of paper around me and all I really want to do is find a place to take a nap. The leg interferes with sleep, so, I tend to be sleepy. Lack of sleep causes me to become "foggy" which in turn makes it hard to focus, which makes it hard to work, or write, or even carry on conversations and remember things. 

Might have to issue warning labels if I think they are too depressing. Anyone but me get tired of my whining?

Now that that is  out of the way....

It is brilliantly sunny with clear skies. It is 35F. I'm praying for a southwest wind to blow in. That would give us another 10 degrees. I could live with that. Hmmm, just a second while I check something. Ah..a front between two high pressure systems rolled in yesterday and is currently sitting right on top of us! There are a bunch of Highs across the mid-west to the Rocky Mountains. Maybe tomorrow will be a bit better. Unless the lows.. nix that southwest wind. There's  a low sitting right over the Southwest and one rolling in from the S. Pacific. Looks like rain might be in store for the S.W. or even snow in the higher elevations. 

This has been your morning weather for S. W. Indiana. Have a great day. And be careful out there!

Check and see if I'm right. LOL, my new job... weather girl. 

A Promise to Jilly

So it Ends.....

At midnight tonight the bell tolls on another NaNoWriMo year. And as always, once it ends there is this sense that something is missing or that I've lost something important. In a way maybe I do. 

The removal of the pressure of having to write every single day is the first thing you notice. You kind of sit in a mental fugue where your mind feels like it is supposed to be somewhere else but isn't and is confused by it. You notice that people you were in contact with nearly every day  seem to kind of fade away, not disappear completely but mostly. You don't get those 'You can do it!' emails that get you through the next 1667 words and beyond. You begin to feel bereft. 

For me there is the added loss of write-ins. While only a few meetings had a half dozen attendees, it is kind of nice to sit down and write with like minded people. A common goal that links you to another human being. And you get a good dose of laughter and conversation with it. It's a good feeling. I'll miss those.

Overall, it is the sense of community that pulls one along during the month and it is this sense of community I find myself missing the most every year. Visiting the forums on the last day is very sad in some ways. You really probably won't be back until next year. But things happen and you might not be able to come back. Or something may happen to some of them and they won't be back. You think about it all that last day. And for the month of December, you feel it. 

There is the sense of success in the knowledge that I've written 50,000 words of a novel. But there is an impending sense that if I don't do something with it I'll lose something else. 

I don't know what the magic of NaNoWriMo really is. I don't what pulls us back to it every year. All I know is that for me, it is a place that comes around only once a year where I can do things I might not have done otherwise. I can go places in my mind that are only limited by my imagination. I can meet people I might never have met. I can laugh more than I have ever laughed. 

Then, in 30 days, its gone. 

DONE! DONE! DONE!

Oh Snow, Oh Me Oh!

I know, corny title but I was in a hurry and I'm saving my really witty stuff for the NaNo Novel.

It is snowing.... has been for about an hour. No accumulation to speak of but snow all the same. The sky is terribly overcast and it is cold, 34F. Just warm enough to melt the snow when it hits the ground. I used to love snow. Not so much now.

You've all seen the number. You know I am closing in on the 50K. Some of you are so very confident in me! I had no idea I was so capable. Thank you for all the encouragement and support. And for all your little ideas sent to help me through the blocks. They were actually very good and I'm probably going to use some of those tonight and if necessary tomorrow! My poor Simon is going to be fit to be tied. 

I'm getting ready to go to lunch with Carolyn. No idea what is on the menu today. I need something really good. I had chili last night. Prepared it and wrote while it cooked and ate while I wrote. It was a chili night. I still have some and I'm not sure it isn't a chili night tonight. Maybe a simple salad for lunch. It was really good chili with sharp cheddar cheese. I love cheddar cheese. 

I'm in a very up and down mood lately. I've felt a million times better this month, clear headed, less pain, really just good over all. But I can't shake the sadness, the loneliness, the totally abandoned feeling. It feels as if I'm on some outlying planet and sometimes travelers stop by and visit me but then they leave and I'm stranded here again, by myself. It is a hideous feeling that at times has me climbing the walls. 

I don't know if anyone will understand this unless they write. The other night I had bee writing for hours, living in the make believe world of secret agencies, operatives, and eek, Simon who's hotter that a jalapeno in July. I had to stop and take a break and when I got up and walked away from the computer, it was as if I was in a strange place. I mean I was disoriented and felt very odd, as if I'd been somewhere else, a place I belonged, and now I was suddenly whisked into an alien environment. That doesn't happen often, in fact, it hasn't happened to me quite like this for a very long time. It was so odd but so cool. I used to do that kind of thing when I was writing fiction a lot. It is a lot like a mini vacation and you have the same feelings of let-down that you get when you come home!

All right, I think lunch is in order. The flakes are much smaller now and I need to just step away from the work for a bit.

Dixie In the Kitchen

Top of the Morning

That's right. The very top.

I went to bed around midnight. I've not slept since. I lay in the bed four hours and nothing happened except I kept telling myself to go to sleep. I would have done better to sit up. I'm sitting here at 5:54 a.m. wide awake.

Those who've been here awhile know that this is not beneficial to me. Sleep is the only thing I've found that actually keeps my pain levels way down. I'm concerned that by noon I'll be ready to drop. My plan was to spend the afternoon with Becca and Sarah and Sarah could spend the night. Now, I'm concerned that I won't even be able to sit up by noon. And if I go to bed too early, I'll be back up before dawn on Sunday.

Appears that one can't win at this game.

I decided if I can't sleep I might as well write. Um.... I might want to get coffee first... Maybe a lot of it.

Start Your Engines.......

Well, I was able to jump start my story and finally got to just over 37K before midnight. The story really took off and I don't really want to stop. However, tomorrow I have a lot of things I'd like to do but I MUST get the next 4500 words down tomorrow just to be caught up. Seriously. If you think how long it took today to get 4000 words.... I worked all afternoon and all evening. About 9 hours.

Now, I'm headed for bed, very psyched up. I hope I can sleep! Be terrible to be lying there, awake for hours with all this enthusiasm. I'm so well... never mind. I've said before, for me writing is a cheap high.

Hope everyone's holiday has gone well. If you didn't have a holiday, please have a great weekend.

Just do not call me before 9 a.m. please!

Another Day, Another 5K

I'm finally up but didn't really sleep well at all. Just dozing. Not sure what that is about.

You know, I love my family. I have a wonderful aunt, as you all know. I do not know what I'd do with her. She read my blog sometime this morning. Bless her heart, she called about 11:00.

"I saw your blog this morning and I wanted to be see if you were getting any sleep.

I said, "I'm trying."

She said, "Turn the phone off so no one can bother you."

I agreed and hung up.

My sister called ten minutes later. "Are you asleep?"

Admittedly, it was nearly noon. And she had no way of knowing about my long night.

Sigh. Aren't family just lovely?

I'm on my way to the word mine. Someone keep the coffee warm.

Stalled Out

I'm really disgusted with the whole thing. I'm tempted to just trash it all and give up. And I find that just disgusting. I don't quit. I write to the end.

So why does it feel like it's the end?

Two Cellos

Another favorite youtube video I found months ago.

Winding Up a Long Day

It is like winding yarn. Seems to take forever to gather it all into a cohesive ball. The tapestry comes together but I've also been cutting ties. Leaves things nice and clean.

I left after Sue got here to clean and went to McDonalds and had a burger and coke. I was going to stay and write but the place was mad with children hammering on the tables with toys. I like children. But not when I'm 10,000 words down and trying to climb out of the hole I'm in. So I finished up there and went to Abbey Road. I had a peppermint mocha that was really good and sat there to write for about three hours.

The owners are nice to me. Her mother used to live next door to me and is now in a nursing home. He is a former journalist, retired, who opened an artsy coffee shop. They have art shows on the sidewalks on warm summer days. They hang local art on the walls to sell. They have open mic night once a month for locals and they serve coffee and scones virtually all week. He's a writer, plays guitar and is a fair singer. I was surprised. It's one of those places that small towns used to have that they've lost, where people come in and sit and do whatever they want with no complaint. Nobody whines.

He opened his doors to WriMos this year for a write-ins and it has turned out better than I expected. I had reservations. But it is that old book by its cover thing. Today, he shook my hand and said, "Don't be a stranger." And I won't. It will be a place to run to to simply be alone without being alone.

I've been looking over my contacts again and there are some that have been gone two years. I hate to remove them but at this point, it is probably time. I'm guessing that after two years, they aren't around anymore. If you are around but haven't posted in more than 12 months, you might want to give a yell. I won't delete people who are out there reading but then, I know they aren't because I check. After this weekend, there will probably be about five slots. I never let myself go over 35 because that would be impossible to keep up with. Doesn't mean I don't visit other sites but keeping up with the blogs can get pretty hectic.

The word count is climbing steadily but I am still doubtful of finishing. It is simply not going anywhere fast. I'm fighting for every word. And on a good day, in a couple of hours I can crank out 2500. It has taken all day and I'm short that by at least 100. To just get current I still need 10,000 by tomorrow. Yes, it might be doable but only if these characters start clamoring with ideas and sharing them with me.

I've taken my shower and am about to dive back into the story. It is odd. I was writing earlier and hat to stop to do something. I had to actually think about where I was! That happens sometimes, when I'm really engrossed in it. I seem to step out of this reality into another. Then, when I am forced out suddenly I'm kind of confused. So now I've got to regroup and step back into that other place. Lot harder going in that coming out actually.

A Different Sort of Friday

The sun is shinning! Oh my goodness! Look out there. It paints the ground in lovely golden swaths, gilds the trees, highlights the blue of a stunning sky. Amazing!

That's my quota for exclamation points by the way. I use a lot of them... because I also talk that way! It is very hard getting that across... Isn't it? I don't care. They invented the thing for some reason. Might as well use it. It is considered really bad writing. College writing prof said only one is allowed. LOL, leave it to me to defy him. He way too uptight about it.

Still getting all these rave reviews of my hair. Good grief I wish I'd let it down sooner. Best compliment... not that my hair is beautiful. Not that it looks good down. No. Ready? You look so young! LOL I am soooo very vain and didn't even realize it. Second favorite? I didn't know you were so blonde. That is actually humorous. I once was a nice mix of blonde, brown, and a tad of red. Now... I'm silver.. that is not gold... that is silver. All the red and gold decided to turn to silver. Somewhere .... let me look in my pile of books... hmmm, here we are... alchemy.. Eureka! I've discovered how to turn gold into silver. Who knew that mixing a little silver with brown would make it look blonde. (whisper - It actually doesn't but some people seem to think it does so I'm good with it.)

Onward.

I feel Billy Crystal today. You know......Mahvahlous. I've not been doing anything. Kat and I have both been up past midnight chatting on gmail chat the last two nights. LOL, we both have a "get off time" of 11 but I when we're not working, well, we forget. Simply looked at the time and said, "Oh look! It's 1 a.m.! Maybe we should get off now." No one called me this morning. I was up at 9 despite being in bed... a late.

I'm still down in word count. Waaayyyyy down for me. Today I'm supposed to be at 41667. I'm just over 33K. So, nearly 10K down. Very hard to catch up once you get to that point. So, I'm going to write like a fiend today. May go to Panera and get away from the phone and have a cookie and a drink. My novel is being written in Google Docs so their free wifi is a good thing.

Oh...my cleaning lady just arrived! I wasn't even dressed yet. LOL. I have changed into something suitable and will probably go out just so she can do her thing. Takes a couple of hours and she's done. This is probably the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm not sure that just not having the stress of cleaning the house isn't healthy. One less worry.

So, not sure how everyone is spending your Friday but I hope it is something you enjoy. Think of me grinding away at the word processor. Simon jumping through hoops to save his skin and that of his lady... LOL, those who've read any of the real story of Simon know it is amusing.

Did I say I feel Mahvahlous? It's true.

I'm scared to death by it.

Joke of the Day

I got this in my email from GCFL.com. I get one everday. I share them once in awhile. I love this one. I laughed out loud.

Jury Duty

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.

After several questions, he asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" There was an awkward silence.

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

More Hot Music

I'm obsessed with these guys. They are tremendous. Love it

Thanksgiving Day

My phone woke me at 8 a.m. Yep. My day off. The phone rings. Never mind. It doesn't matter. It always happens.

It's is cloudy, despite a weather notice that said it was supposed to be mostly cloudy. There was a little sun behind a little cloud on the weather notice. Imagine my surprise when I saw huge clouds and no sun outside. What's that about? Why not just say, cloudy today with NO sun. Better yet, why bother with a weather report at all? I mean nothing has changed since LAST WEEK! It's terribly depressing weather. And it is cold on top of that.

Nuff weather rant. I have several more I need to cover before I lose you completely.

Actually, I'm not going to rant. As usual, I had a bit of a meltdown last night but I pulled myself up by my boot straps. It is the holiday season. I still have to get through December and my anniversary in January before I even get to the death date in late January. Kind of like base jumping. Once you step off that ledge, there is no going back and you just keep going until you hit bottom, hopefully softly.

Anyway, rather than trying to fix it, I simply started writing. I didn't do too bad. But the goal for the next three days is 20k. Yep. I have to get this done. I know if I go into Monday with a huge deficit, I'm finished. I'll never make the goal. If I can get the 20k by Saturday I'll be done and I'll have made goal.

I KNOW it's a lot of words. But if I don't set the standard high I'll probably not even make half that. LOL, Yes, you can use psychology on yourself. I'll let you know... better yet, watch the ticker on my home page.

Someone asked about my background, Abandoned. I believe it was a visitor. I got that background at ShiftedReality.com. I think I gave the wrong information previously. That's where it came from, Ethansdad. It just appeals to me for some reason.

So, I'm getting dressed in fits and starts. At the moment I have a blue long sleeved pullover and black leggings. I'm cold and these are warm. I'll pull a skirt on over them before I leave. Hair is down. It is nice to have to struggle with it. I just wish all that short stuff would grow!

We're going to Golden Corral for dinner after my sister Phyllis gets off at 2 p.m. It's late and I can't do a thing about it. It is also cheaper for me to pay everyone's way than to buy all that food and spend days cooking and cleaning. I'm happier this way. If anyone else is not they can cook next year and I'll be happy then, too.

Not sure I'll be back today. I really need to knuckle down and get the word count up so probably not. I hope that you remember the Ten Foot rule. Here is the excerpt from my blog about it from November 29, 2009

"Tonight I sit in a room that is approximately 9x10. The realization came to me tonight that all that matters of all that we do or say can be found within ten feet of you. And we usually stay close to what we love. But we don't notice it. It is silent and we don't really notice. Unless at some point it disappears. A void opens up.

I suppose the answer would be to look around and see what is within ten feet of where you sit right now. Reach out and grab it. Don't let go. If you do, it will begin to drift away, beyond your reach. Until you can't reach it anymore."

Try very hard to say thank you today to someone for something, even if it is not "your" holiday. It is a good holiday and everyone should have a special thanksgiving day. If life is hard right now, be thankful it isn't worse. It can be.

Jerry's Favorite Song

This came to mind a little while ago. He'd grin at me and say, "I do."

Rites and Passages

I had a call today from one of my landlords. Linda is such a nice person and I really like her. She's 64. I asked how she was and she said, "Today is the first anniversary of my husband's death." He was a very nice person, too. The call went long and that's o.k. I remember those days when I needed to talk and the only place to do that was here. 

In some ways it is very odd to hear my story repeated from someone else living it. There is a sense of a time warp, of someone stepping into your life without you knowing it. Imagine hearing your own voice over the phone: "Sometimes I stood in the house and screamed." "I found myself in the floor." "I find myself wishing I had not said some of the things I said." "I go to church but I find myself questioning..." Her voice, my words? My voice, her words? It is strange to hear how the blows you felt are being felt by the other person and you KNOW what they are like. 

So, I listened and re-lived my own hell in the sound of her words. And with each terrible moment, it felt very good to be able to say, "That's normal. You're not crazy." And she cried and said, "I'm so glad you said that."  I told her that it doesn't get better you just learn to adjust. 

And we don't get better. I've decided that we just become a better dancers. We dance around all the things that trip us up. And we keep dancing because people think we're better and that's less work than telling them the truth. That we're crippled for life because half of us is gone. 

Once in awhile, when I've had enough sleep and the pain is less, I look outside and wonder if there is life after death. Part of me wants there to be. But the impact of my experience is so great that I find it impossible to believe. You can't begin to imagine the emptiness that life can be. No wonder that God elected to fill the earth with life. It was void of everything that meant anything.

I know I'm at the next phase, the one where you are resigned and start looking outward. This is where sanity returns and you realize that you can actually get through most days without looking back. Linda has a long way to go. I don't tell her that. She said a friend of hers lost her husband when she was 48. Her friend said it took five years to recover. I guess I'm impatient. Jerry always said I was. But I'd like to be able to walk without the limp. I'd like to step out onto the floor and dance because I want to dance and not because I have to pretend. 

NaNoWriMo Day 22