I'm tired. There are no words to adequately express it so I'll just say I'm tired. I feel as if I could just lie down forever and not move. I lay on the sofa from around 10 a.m. until I went to bed at around 6 p.m yesterday. Then, lay on the bed until nearly 11. All I did was watch t.v. on the computer. Nothing more, nothing less. I didn't nap because what I felt was not sleepiness. I was simply exhausted, too tired to sleep. And the emotional roller coaster simply made it worse.
Mentally, I'm somewhat functional but if opportunity arose, I might be able to nap today. But alas, one must continue shoveling in the mine. My pain is relative. I had back pain when I woke. Muscle pain, too. But they pale in comparison to the tiredness. I was late getting up this morning, too. I simply shut off the clock and didn't realize it for 45 minutes.
I promised myself I was going to try and stop focusing on all the negative stuff. I want out of the cursed tomb I seem to be trapped in. I keep digging but it seems as if I'm simply making it deeper and the weight is getting heavier. If I'm not able to even go away for a weekend without becoming a mass of used up flesh, I don't know how I'll manage. I can't be sick even one day for the rest of the year. Not one. I have nothing to use and I really don't want to spend my vacation time on this. I have three vacation days off in December. There are three freebies in November and three freebies in December. October 28 is my birthday and I get that off and I'm taking one day on the 29 because I'm keeping Sarah that weekend and having my aunt and uncle here for my birthday and my sister, Phyllis' birthday. They are a week apart and they always celebrate with us. So, sickness is not an option.
I really would like to have days where I wake feeling good again. Or at least no in so much pain or so tired. To wake up and have a day where I can do something that is productive. To be able to go places and laugh and go home with a good feeling about it. I can remember that. It was a long time ago but I do remember it.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Return
I returned home this morning around 10 a.m.
Saturday morning we had breakfast at the La Quinta Inn on Preston Bridge Hwy, in Louisville. I highly recommend this hotel if you are in the area. It was spotlessly clean, the rooms were beautiful and spacious, and the staff were just so friendly. If I have to go back over there, that's where I'll stay. They serve a buffet breakfast with things like eggs, biscuit and sausage gravy, juice, coffee, you can make Belgian waffles in about 2 minutes, fruit, pastries, milk, cereal. Really a nice set up.
We sat around in the morning sitting by the pool just reading, chatting and relaxing. It was cool so I didn't go in but just enjoyed the sunshine. The day was beautiful. We went to lunch at Chilli's where I had Chicken Crispers with french fries and corn on the cob. I've had this here in Evansville at Chilli's so I knew it was good. I followed that with the chocolate brownie topped with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce. Yummy. I was stuffed.
We went back to the hotel and they rested. I went down to the pool with my book. I swam a few laps, read a bit and warmed up, swam again, read some more, swam again and read some more. At four I went upstairs to dry my hair and get ready for the concert at 6. We left at 5 on a shuttle the hotel provides.
I spent the next six hours sitting and listening to quartets sing. The music was very good but sitting so long was not very fun. I did get up a few times and go out so that helped. Unfortunately, there were many moment when I was miserable. I didn't expect that. Several groups sang songs that Jerry, my sister Phyllis, and I used to sing together. No, we weren't professionals. I sang in church growing up. When I married, Jerry sang with me. Then my sister moved close by and she joined us. People liked it and would ask us to sing. I don't think I was that good but they were both very good singers. Jerry was a tenor and Phyllis an alto who could also sing harmony. I tend to be a soprano but not the upper soprano. I have a mediocre voice but I love to sing. They made me sound better. Although, there are people who still ask me to sing. So, it must not be terrible.
Anyway, I was stressed the first two hours. Jerry and I had gone to this convention once, seven years ago. We were given the tickets because my aunt and uncle couldn't go and had already paid for them. We spent the weekend in Louisville and we really enjoyed it. That weekend kept roaring through my head. Once I saw a man standing in shadow several sections away. I had to look again because the stance was familiar. It was distressing. I was exhausted by the time it was over. We caught the shuttle back and were at the hotel by 11 I think. It was only about a 15 minute ride from our hotel to the convention center.
It is apparent that everything I do and every place I go is going to be unpleasant if it is something we did together or something I know he would have loved to do. I keep saying it will get better but I can't figure out how. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't shut off the memories once they start. I am at a point I don't really want to go anywhere and leaving on any trip is horrible. I got off Friday and once home I didn't want to leave. It was terrible trying to get out of the house and into the car on on the road. I cried for the first 50 miles. Struggled to stay focused the next 50 and thankfully that is the length of the trip.
I did enjoy visiting with my family. They are always fun to be around. I had a ot of back and hip pain too but the actually swimming helped the back. I can see I'm not much good for anything but sitting in the sun, reading, swimming and talking. Today, I'm exhausted but the fibro does that to me anyway. I've spent a lot of effort to maintain a facade and it takes a toll. By midnight last night, it was cracking.
Saturday morning we had breakfast at the La Quinta Inn on Preston Bridge Hwy, in Louisville. I highly recommend this hotel if you are in the area. It was spotlessly clean, the rooms were beautiful and spacious, and the staff were just so friendly. If I have to go back over there, that's where I'll stay. They serve a buffet breakfast with things like eggs, biscuit and sausage gravy, juice, coffee, you can make Belgian waffles in about 2 minutes, fruit, pastries, milk, cereal. Really a nice set up.
We sat around in the morning sitting by the pool just reading, chatting and relaxing. It was cool so I didn't go in but just enjoyed the sunshine. The day was beautiful. We went to lunch at Chilli's where I had Chicken Crispers with french fries and corn on the cob. I've had this here in Evansville at Chilli's so I knew it was good. I followed that with the chocolate brownie topped with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce. Yummy. I was stuffed.
We went back to the hotel and they rested. I went down to the pool with my book. I swam a few laps, read a bit and warmed up, swam again, read some more, swam again and read some more. At four I went upstairs to dry my hair and get ready for the concert at 6. We left at 5 on a shuttle the hotel provides.
I spent the next six hours sitting and listening to quartets sing. The music was very good but sitting so long was not very fun. I did get up a few times and go out so that helped. Unfortunately, there were many moment when I was miserable. I didn't expect that. Several groups sang songs that Jerry, my sister Phyllis, and I used to sing together. No, we weren't professionals. I sang in church growing up. When I married, Jerry sang with me. Then my sister moved close by and she joined us. People liked it and would ask us to sing. I don't think I was that good but they were both very good singers. Jerry was a tenor and Phyllis an alto who could also sing harmony. I tend to be a soprano but not the upper soprano. I have a mediocre voice but I love to sing. They made me sound better. Although, there are people who still ask me to sing. So, it must not be terrible.
Anyway, I was stressed the first two hours. Jerry and I had gone to this convention once, seven years ago. We were given the tickets because my aunt and uncle couldn't go and had already paid for them. We spent the weekend in Louisville and we really enjoyed it. That weekend kept roaring through my head. Once I saw a man standing in shadow several sections away. I had to look again because the stance was familiar. It was distressing. I was exhausted by the time it was over. We caught the shuttle back and were at the hotel by 11 I think. It was only about a 15 minute ride from our hotel to the convention center.
It is apparent that everything I do and every place I go is going to be unpleasant if it is something we did together or something I know he would have loved to do. I keep saying it will get better but I can't figure out how. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't shut off the memories once they start. I am at a point I don't really want to go anywhere and leaving on any trip is horrible. I got off Friday and once home I didn't want to leave. It was terrible trying to get out of the house and into the car on on the road. I cried for the first 50 miles. Struggled to stay focused the next 50 and thankfully that is the length of the trip.
I did enjoy visiting with my family. They are always fun to be around. I had a ot of back and hip pain too but the actually swimming helped the back. I can see I'm not much good for anything but sitting in the sun, reading, swimming and talking. Today, I'm exhausted but the fibro does that to me anyway. I've spent a lot of effort to maintain a facade and it takes a toll. By midnight last night, it was cracking.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Arrival
I made it to the hotel in Louisville without any problems around 5:30 p.m. eastern time. The new tires are awesome. What a smooth ride! No bouncing and vibration due to separated belts. If you have never had separated belts, you won't know what I mean.
As you can see we have internet. Not wifi but I happened to have a cable in my bag. They would have given us one to use but why bother going down stairs when I travel with one.
We went to Steak & Shake for supper and came back to the hotel. Spent most of the evening chatting, reading, watching t.v. and playing with the computers. All three of us are tired but their ride was far longer than my two hours. It took them around 6 or 7. So they are exhausted. Already asleep, too.
So, they've has turned in and I'm on my way. Just wanted update you all. Tomorrow, not sure what is in store. Be nice to hit the pool for an hour or so. I may get up and do that after breakfast. It opens at 10. Have a good Saturday.
As the governor of California once said, I'll be back.
As you can see we have internet. Not wifi but I happened to have a cable in my bag. They would have given us one to use but why bother going down stairs when I travel with one.
We went to Steak & Shake for supper and came back to the hotel. Spent most of the evening chatting, reading, watching t.v. and playing with the computers. All three of us are tired but their ride was far longer than my two hours. It took them around 6 or 7. So they are exhausted. Already asleep, too.
So, they've has turned in and I'm on my way. Just wanted update you all. Tomorrow, not sure what is in store. Be nice to hit the pool for an hour or so. I may get up and do that after breakfast. It opens at 10. Have a good Saturday.
As the governor of California once said, I'll be back.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A Good Sleep and A Sad Story
I'm so much better today. Still think I have the cold but I am feeling a lot more rested! I went straight home from work and took a hot shower, dressed in my pj's and went to bed. Not sleep, bed. I lay and read for a short time. I had Dave come over and take my car to have a low tire aired. They visited for a short time and Becca put that medicine on my back and trimmed an inch off my hair. I have no idea why I wanted her to do it but I've lost so much hair it is becoming very difficult to do anything with it. I think the medicine has helped some of the back pain. But my neck... I don't know if there is much hope for that.
After they left, I went straight back to bed. I made two videos playing with my webcam. It does a lot of stuff. I went to the software website and found some additional things to download and messed around with those. That gave me a bit of a lift to my mood. Then I watched a show on Hulu called Wire in the Blood. Another British television show that I really like but it is a bit to violent at times. I love the Tony Hill character. He's just really brilliant. One that show was over, I put out the light and went to sleep. I had taken my medicine while I was watching the show so by the time it was over I was sleepier. I'm going to try again to take it around 8 and go to bed earlier. This morning when the clock woke me I knew I probably needed a couple more hours sleep but work was imminent.
One thing I've figured out is that if I don't wake up on my own, I've not had enough sleep. Remember the weeks and weeks I was waking up at five and six in the morning? I was rested and going to bed at a civilized hour. I just needed to shift that time a bit but hadn't figured that out. You would think by this age I'd know how to sleep, when to sleep, and how much to sleep. I feel like I'm in a foreign country. But I've had sleep problems so long it has never occurred to me I could fix it in any way. I've tried everything. Only now am I learning what works. I take the melatonin faithfully. How am I going to get that into the country if I go to England? LOL, Jilly said you can't get it there or was it controlled? I may have to get a script for it. But it works for me really well. That and the skelaxin muscle relaxant help me sleep. I just have to GO TO BED!
I saw that Jilly did a video this morning. I love it when she does them. I like listening to her chat and watching her laugh at herself. I always leave smiling. I think it is a great thing when people walk away smiling.
As I mentioned before, I'm so tired of living in the dark. I know that the only way to do that is change the way I look at things.
Today I was remembering a woman I once knew. She was a good friend of my mother and her mother had been a dear friend of my grandmother and a member of our church. She was a party girl. I mean the kind who dances on the tables at the bar while blind drunk and a different man a week. Brenda was a mess. In her forties, she met a man, Nathan, at a rodeo, a really good Christian man. They married and she cleaned up to the point you would not have recognized her had you been a bar buddy. She became such a wonderful person, with this positive outlook and astounding faith. Her whole life simply flipped on its head. She stopped the bars and drinking and men. Nathan became a dad to her little girl. They went around doing all kinds of really good things for people, they bought land near her mother, farmed, built a house, became the finest people in the church. They had fall festivals with hay rides and a party for the church every year. Everyone loved them. She was one of the happiest women I've ever known. I was amazed at how her life had turned around. They had maybe 10 years together.
We were in the military and stationed somewhere when I got a call that Nathan was dead. A couple in the church that they had befriended had bought a trailer. Nathan was under it, leveling it. The trailer fell on him, killing him. Brenda and their friend had to dig him out. I visited her shortly after the funeral. She was struggling to hang on and stay positive, to keep her faith. I told a lady in the church that I was worried about her. Remember this woman is my mother's age but I just adored her and knew her fairly well. She was trying too hard to be positive rather than grieve. I left feeling so sad for her and very worried. I returned home.
Later I was told she had stopped going to church. She moved away from the farm and no one knew where she was. Then, a few years later, while at another duty station, I got another call. Brenda was dead. She had moved in with a guy who was abusive. He blew her brains out. The coroner reported that she was so drunk she wouldn't have known what planet she was on. I was so devastated. She had lived her life in such a mess and had changed it completely to become the lovely woman with such joy and energy. Nathan had saved her. Had given her hope. She had placed all her faith in Nathan. And when he was taken, she had nothing to stand on, nothing to prop her up. She lost the home they built. She lost her faith. She lost her life. I remember thinking back then that she had put her faith in the wrong thing. She confused love and gratitude for faith. They aren't the same. When the supports were removed, she fell.
Today, I understand Brenda even more. I realized some time ago that I had leaned on Jerry in similar ways. My life was not the mess Brenda's had been so my rescue was not as profound. But I had a man very like Nathan. In the last year, I've realized how very much is missing and standing on my own feet is nearly impossible. I relied heavily on him, even when I was doing more and more, he was still the support I leaned on. When things got bad, he was still there. Around the end of this last year I had an experience that showed me why some women do stupid things during grief. I understand now why what happened to Brenda can happen to any woman suffering the loss of their spouse. Why misplaced faith is a futile effort.
I get angry at times for what I've lost. For not seeing my mistakes. For not being a better wife, mother, human being. I have to look in the mirror and see myself and I have to face who I am. I suspect when Brenda looked in the mirror she couldn't face herself. She lost herself. She walked away from everything Nathan had given her. She had a home that was paid for, a church family who adored her, a daughter who needed her, a mother who was dying that had asked for prayer over and over and over. She saw none of that. She has so wrapped herself in another person that she ceased to exist and all she believed in was that person. He became her god.
Faith was not meant to be put in people. If you live for another person, you will either fail them or they will fail you...perhaps not intentionally. One of you will not be here forever. I grieve for Brenda even now. I grieve two wonderful lives lost but most of all, I grieve because Brenda lost far more than her life. And I understand how it happened. I could so easily allow the depression to overwhelm me, the panic attacks to destroy what little life I have left. I could get several drugs to numb my pain, dull my senses, sedate my mind. I could stop going to church and stop praying because there are days I haven't been able to see or hear or feel God or that he cares.
Or I can keep going. I can continually reestablish my faith in the God of my grandmother, not looking to man or woman to complete me and give me strength or make me happy. He hasn't left me during all of the darkness. There were many dark nights when I felt as if I were in that grave with Jerry but I always felt a presence, as if someone were holding my hand. That has never left me. Most of the time, I feel I do not deserve that presence. But I choose to hang on for dear life to that hand.
After they left, I went straight back to bed. I made two videos playing with my webcam. It does a lot of stuff. I went to the software website and found some additional things to download and messed around with those. That gave me a bit of a lift to my mood. Then I watched a show on Hulu called Wire in the Blood. Another British television show that I really like but it is a bit to violent at times. I love the Tony Hill character. He's just really brilliant. One that show was over, I put out the light and went to sleep. I had taken my medicine while I was watching the show so by the time it was over I was sleepier. I'm going to try again to take it around 8 and go to bed earlier. This morning when the clock woke me I knew I probably needed a couple more hours sleep but work was imminent.
One thing I've figured out is that if I don't wake up on my own, I've not had enough sleep. Remember the weeks and weeks I was waking up at five and six in the morning? I was rested and going to bed at a civilized hour. I just needed to shift that time a bit but hadn't figured that out. You would think by this age I'd know how to sleep, when to sleep, and how much to sleep. I feel like I'm in a foreign country. But I've had sleep problems so long it has never occurred to me I could fix it in any way. I've tried everything. Only now am I learning what works. I take the melatonin faithfully. How am I going to get that into the country if I go to England? LOL, Jilly said you can't get it there or was it controlled? I may have to get a script for it. But it works for me really well. That and the skelaxin muscle relaxant help me sleep. I just have to GO TO BED!
I saw that Jilly did a video this morning. I love it when she does them. I like listening to her chat and watching her laugh at herself. I always leave smiling. I think it is a great thing when people walk away smiling.
As I mentioned before, I'm so tired of living in the dark. I know that the only way to do that is change the way I look at things.
Today I was remembering a woman I once knew. She was a good friend of my mother and her mother had been a dear friend of my grandmother and a member of our church. She was a party girl. I mean the kind who dances on the tables at the bar while blind drunk and a different man a week. Brenda was a mess. In her forties, she met a man, Nathan, at a rodeo, a really good Christian man. They married and she cleaned up to the point you would not have recognized her had you been a bar buddy. She became such a wonderful person, with this positive outlook and astounding faith. Her whole life simply flipped on its head. She stopped the bars and drinking and men. Nathan became a dad to her little girl. They went around doing all kinds of really good things for people, they bought land near her mother, farmed, built a house, became the finest people in the church. They had fall festivals with hay rides and a party for the church every year. Everyone loved them. She was one of the happiest women I've ever known. I was amazed at how her life had turned around. They had maybe 10 years together.
We were in the military and stationed somewhere when I got a call that Nathan was dead. A couple in the church that they had befriended had bought a trailer. Nathan was under it, leveling it. The trailer fell on him, killing him. Brenda and their friend had to dig him out. I visited her shortly after the funeral. She was struggling to hang on and stay positive, to keep her faith. I told a lady in the church that I was worried about her. Remember this woman is my mother's age but I just adored her and knew her fairly well. She was trying too hard to be positive rather than grieve. I left feeling so sad for her and very worried. I returned home.
Later I was told she had stopped going to church. She moved away from the farm and no one knew where she was. Then, a few years later, while at another duty station, I got another call. Brenda was dead. She had moved in with a guy who was abusive. He blew her brains out. The coroner reported that she was so drunk she wouldn't have known what planet she was on. I was so devastated. She had lived her life in such a mess and had changed it completely to become the lovely woman with such joy and energy. Nathan had saved her. Had given her hope. She had placed all her faith in Nathan. And when he was taken, she had nothing to stand on, nothing to prop her up. She lost the home they built. She lost her faith. She lost her life. I remember thinking back then that she had put her faith in the wrong thing. She confused love and gratitude for faith. They aren't the same. When the supports were removed, she fell.
Today, I understand Brenda even more. I realized some time ago that I had leaned on Jerry in similar ways. My life was not the mess Brenda's had been so my rescue was not as profound. But I had a man very like Nathan. In the last year, I've realized how very much is missing and standing on my own feet is nearly impossible. I relied heavily on him, even when I was doing more and more, he was still the support I leaned on. When things got bad, he was still there. Around the end of this last year I had an experience that showed me why some women do stupid things during grief. I understand now why what happened to Brenda can happen to any woman suffering the loss of their spouse. Why misplaced faith is a futile effort.
I get angry at times for what I've lost. For not seeing my mistakes. For not being a better wife, mother, human being. I have to look in the mirror and see myself and I have to face who I am. I suspect when Brenda looked in the mirror she couldn't face herself. She lost herself. She walked away from everything Nathan had given her. She had a home that was paid for, a church family who adored her, a daughter who needed her, a mother who was dying that had asked for prayer over and over and over. She saw none of that. She has so wrapped herself in another person that she ceased to exist and all she believed in was that person. He became her god.
Faith was not meant to be put in people. If you live for another person, you will either fail them or they will fail you...perhaps not intentionally. One of you will not be here forever. I grieve for Brenda even now. I grieve two wonderful lives lost but most of all, I grieve because Brenda lost far more than her life. And I understand how it happened. I could so easily allow the depression to overwhelm me, the panic attacks to destroy what little life I have left. I could get several drugs to numb my pain, dull my senses, sedate my mind. I could stop going to church and stop praying because there are days I haven't been able to see or hear or feel God or that he cares.
Or I can keep going. I can continually reestablish my faith in the God of my grandmother, not looking to man or woman to complete me and give me strength or make me happy. He hasn't left me during all of the darkness. There were many dark nights when I felt as if I were in that grave with Jerry but I always felt a presence, as if someone were holding my hand. That has never left me. Most of the time, I feel I do not deserve that presence. But I choose to hang on for dear life to that hand.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
How Tired Can You Get?
I'm not sure I have an answer to that but I'd say at this point, pretty tired. I feel as if I'll fall over any minute. I still have two hours to go. I'm going to have to go home and go straight to bed and I hate that. I like to relax a bit in the evenings when I get home but tonight, I'm headed for the sack. I just hope I can sleep.
I'm totally out of sick time so I can't miss a day or I'll eat up vacation days. From now to January I don't want to be sick anymore. I would have 45 hours of sick time by Dec. 31 if I don't have to be out for any reason. {sigh}
I'm totally out of sick time so I can't miss a day or I'll eat up vacation days. From now to January I don't want to be sick anymore. I would have 45 hours of sick time by Dec. 31 if I don't have to be out for any reason. {sigh}
Ugh, Bug
I'm decidedly under the weather. I think I have a cold and I'm terribly depressed on top of it. I had lots of pain yesterday and that is better today. I called Dave and Becca over for pizza last night, although I was exhausted. I needed the company.
As you recall Sunday night I'd had that near panic event, sounds much less violent than attack, and was up until nearly 3 a.m. and my pain was pretty bad the next morning when I got up. I stayed home but my doctor's office was closed yesterday so I didn't get a shot. I didn't go to bed as early as I should have last night but I was truly feeling miserable by bedtime. I was so tired I could not relax. And my neck is really hurting. Pain in other places is less this morning but I had Becca put some of the medicine I have for joint pain on my back, along my spine, to see if it helped. I think it did with some of it. I do have a headache now and feel very tired but I actually think I have a cold. My nose has been stuffy for days.
I'm really rather tired of all these aches and pains. And I'm tired of the blue feeling that is constantly with me. I don't think this is depression exactly but maybe it is. I am in the midst of a foggy period but I again think this is a sleep issue. I am sorely overdue for a real vacation where I leave my troubles behind. And I don't have my car die.
I am going out of town on Friday to spend the weekend in Louisville with my aunt and uncle who are attending a quartet convention. It is a short drive so it won't be too tiring and maybe the weather will be perfect so I can find a nice place to sit in the sun. I noticed since the weather and mosquitoes have been so crappy and kept me inside that I don't feel as well. Maybe I should spend the money on one of those mood lights. The evenings have been pleasant but the mosquitoes are absolutely horrendous if you go outside. I don't know what to do but they are bad.
Work is no so backlogged so I'm not buried at the moment and that's good. I just hate getting some things I processed back so frequently. I'm making far too many mistakes. And I thought I was checking carefully.
Must go now and get to working the mine. I hope you day is off to a better start than mine. There is a Midwest Writer's meeting tonight but I don't know if I'll go or not. I'm longing for bed time.
As you recall Sunday night I'd had that near panic event, sounds much less violent than attack, and was up until nearly 3 a.m. and my pain was pretty bad the next morning when I got up. I stayed home but my doctor's office was closed yesterday so I didn't get a shot. I didn't go to bed as early as I should have last night but I was truly feeling miserable by bedtime. I was so tired I could not relax. And my neck is really hurting. Pain in other places is less this morning but I had Becca put some of the medicine I have for joint pain on my back, along my spine, to see if it helped. I think it did with some of it. I do have a headache now and feel very tired but I actually think I have a cold. My nose has been stuffy for days.
I'm really rather tired of all these aches and pains. And I'm tired of the blue feeling that is constantly with me. I don't think this is depression exactly but maybe it is. I am in the midst of a foggy period but I again think this is a sleep issue. I am sorely overdue for a real vacation where I leave my troubles behind. And I don't have my car die.
I am going out of town on Friday to spend the weekend in Louisville with my aunt and uncle who are attending a quartet convention. It is a short drive so it won't be too tiring and maybe the weather will be perfect so I can find a nice place to sit in the sun. I noticed since the weather and mosquitoes have been so crappy and kept me inside that I don't feel as well. Maybe I should spend the money on one of those mood lights. The evenings have been pleasant but the mosquitoes are absolutely horrendous if you go outside. I don't know what to do but they are bad.
Work is no so backlogged so I'm not buried at the moment and that's good. I just hate getting some things I processed back so frequently. I'm making far too many mistakes. And I thought I was checking carefully.
Must go now and get to working the mine. I hope you day is off to a better start than mine. There is a Midwest Writer's meeting tonight but I don't know if I'll go or not. I'm longing for bed time.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Typical Monday Following A Lovely Weekend
For me anyway. I had a mild panic attack last night and had to call Becca at midnight to talk to me. I listened to her until 3 a.m. I'm exhausted but the attack passed off for the most part. LOL, yes, she can talk that much and I don't know what I'd do without her. I want to smack her sometimes but she's a good daughter despite that. I love her.
I woke with pain in my neck, back, hip and knees! The hip is bursitis. I felt like an old lady. But I actually had a fairly good weekend despite knees that hated me. Sarah came on Friday night and I took her home after church last night. She was just a doll baby and we had the most fun all weekend. I was exhausted but had one of the happiest weekends in a while. I had one moment where I broke down. I was cleaning and picked up our family Bible and sat down to see what I had entered in it. I found Jerry's baptismal certificate where he was baptized when he came back from Italy. Sarah wanted to know what was wrong but I tried to refocus on something else... cleaning proceeded.
Sarah had no problem until bedtime Friday and Saturday night. Then, she whimpered a short time. She is a TERRIBLE sleeper. That child is all over the place. So my sleep probably wasn't the best. She's afraid of the dark and I have to leave a light on in the next room, too. But it worked itself out and I was so thrilled she stayed I didn't care about the light... or the small foot that seemed to find my ribs no matter which way I turned.
On Saturday night, her mother stopped by with clothes for her for church Sunday morning. Sarah acted as if she had not seen them in years but when offered the chance to go home she declined. However, at bedtime, you would not believe the garbage she came up with. She sobbed huge sobs with tears. "I miss my mama. I never get to spend any time with her. I love her so much. I didn't even get to kiss her or give her a hug." All of which was a blatant lie. I watched amazed and she did this for several minutes until I said, "You need to stop that crap, that's a bunch of garbage." The little stink started giggling and laughing so hard! I couldn't believe it. Then, she started it again, sobbing and with tears. I told her again it was garbage and to stop and she giggled again. We did this for about three times before she just stopped and settled down. What a drama queen! We have to nip that in the bud!
We had a grand time all weekend. We watched movies, played with the doll house, read stories, and went shopping. I bought her a memory game which she loved. So we are now getting to the game phase. I'm glad. Getting down to play dolls is hard work for those knees.
I am home today because I couldn't hardly walk and the panic attack left me emotionally wobbly. I'm going to call my doctor to see about a shot for my hip. I don't think they can do more for my joints than they are doing so I'll have to deal with that differently.
I hope you all have a great start to the week. I hope that I can have more weekends like this with less stress. I'm really tired of living in the dark all the time. I would like for life to be a little fun again. We did have some good times. I just keep missing them so much and I don't have any way to fix it. I'm still planning to take my vacation next year to see my friends in England. And I probably ought to start thinking about when and how long. I'm saving vacations days as much as I can. It will break my bank probably but this is something I am doing for me and maybe a little for Jerry. He would have loved to go with me.
I haven't been able to be outside much these last few weeks because the "mossie's" as Jilly refers to them have been horrendous. I came in one afternoon, after standing in the yard talking to someone for about 30 minutes, with dozens of bites. I counted over 25. I didn't realize I was getting bitten! I was scared to death I'd have a reaction to them like Jilly had or worse. We have had some cases in the past of West Nile virus here. I get terrified of the bites when I hear that.
So, I'm going now to call the doctor about the shot. I hate the shot. It hurts like the dickens but if it works, it will help me. Or I may call the pain management doctor. I've also had sciatica in my back for a couple of weeks. It is unusual because it is on the right side rather than the left but I think I'm walking out of alignment because of the hip pain and that is aggravating other things. Oh well, I had so much good over the weekend, I'm not going to allow other things to take that away.
All of you, again, have a great week!
I woke with pain in my neck, back, hip and knees! The hip is bursitis. I felt like an old lady. But I actually had a fairly good weekend despite knees that hated me. Sarah came on Friday night and I took her home after church last night. She was just a doll baby and we had the most fun all weekend. I was exhausted but had one of the happiest weekends in a while. I had one moment where I broke down. I was cleaning and picked up our family Bible and sat down to see what I had entered in it. I found Jerry's baptismal certificate where he was baptized when he came back from Italy. Sarah wanted to know what was wrong but I tried to refocus on something else... cleaning proceeded.
Sarah had no problem until bedtime Friday and Saturday night. Then, she whimpered a short time. She is a TERRIBLE sleeper. That child is all over the place. So my sleep probably wasn't the best. She's afraid of the dark and I have to leave a light on in the next room, too. But it worked itself out and I was so thrilled she stayed I didn't care about the light... or the small foot that seemed to find my ribs no matter which way I turned.
On Saturday night, her mother stopped by with clothes for her for church Sunday morning. Sarah acted as if she had not seen them in years but when offered the chance to go home she declined. However, at bedtime, you would not believe the garbage she came up with. She sobbed huge sobs with tears. "I miss my mama. I never get to spend any time with her. I love her so much. I didn't even get to kiss her or give her a hug." All of which was a blatant lie. I watched amazed and she did this for several minutes until I said, "You need to stop that crap, that's a bunch of garbage." The little stink started giggling and laughing so hard! I couldn't believe it. Then, she started it again, sobbing and with tears. I told her again it was garbage and to stop and she giggled again. We did this for about three times before she just stopped and settled down. What a drama queen! We have to nip that in the bud!
We had a grand time all weekend. We watched movies, played with the doll house, read stories, and went shopping. I bought her a memory game which she loved. So we are now getting to the game phase. I'm glad. Getting down to play dolls is hard work for those knees.
I am home today because I couldn't hardly walk and the panic attack left me emotionally wobbly. I'm going to call my doctor to see about a shot for my hip. I don't think they can do more for my joints than they are doing so I'll have to deal with that differently.
I hope you all have a great start to the week. I hope that I can have more weekends like this with less stress. I'm really tired of living in the dark all the time. I would like for life to be a little fun again. We did have some good times. I just keep missing them so much and I don't have any way to fix it. I'm still planning to take my vacation next year to see my friends in England. And I probably ought to start thinking about when and how long. I'm saving vacations days as much as I can. It will break my bank probably but this is something I am doing for me and maybe a little for Jerry. He would have loved to go with me.
I haven't been able to be outside much these last few weeks because the "mossie's" as Jilly refers to them have been horrendous. I came in one afternoon, after standing in the yard talking to someone for about 30 minutes, with dozens of bites. I counted over 25. I didn't realize I was getting bitten! I was scared to death I'd have a reaction to them like Jilly had or worse. We have had some cases in the past of West Nile virus here. I get terrified of the bites when I hear that.
So, I'm going now to call the doctor about the shot. I hate the shot. It hurts like the dickens but if it works, it will help me. Or I may call the pain management doctor. I've also had sciatica in my back for a couple of weeks. It is unusual because it is on the right side rather than the left but I think I'm walking out of alignment because of the hip pain and that is aggravating other things. Oh well, I had so much good over the weekend, I'm not going to allow other things to take that away.
All of you, again, have a great week!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Taking a Stand for Stupidity?
Link
Once more a so called Christian makes a stand for stupidity.
I respect his right to free speech. He can burn anything he wants, even the American flag, which would truly tic me off. But he could still do it.
However, if he doesn't believe in the Koran why would he even bother to waste a match? Never mind the harm he is doing to the environment with the smoke.
I'm at a loss as to what his point is since up to now, I've not seen any reference to one except he believes Islam is of the devil. Since I'm not on speaking terms with that particular entity, I can't say. I am on speaking terms with Jesus... y'all laugh if you want. You aren't laughing at this guy.
Jesus said,
Mat 5:7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Mat 5:9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Mat 5:38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
Mat 5:39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
Mat 5:40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also.
Mat 5:41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
Mat 5:42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
Mat 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
Mat 5:45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
I could go on but this is pretty apt. This man has broken every single one of these instructions, in fact, I seriously doubt he read this part at all. Do we stone him?
As for the White House and our elected officials trying to stop him? Well, folks, either we believe we have a right to express our opinions in this country or we don't. We can't have it both ways. Dumb as dirt this guy may be but with our politicians he's in good company. Free speech isn't selective.
We're in a quandary, at a cross roads. Either we support the right of every human being to say what they believe or we don't. There is no picking and choosing who is allowed to speak. And burning a book is not equal to chopping off heads. The Nazi's burned books all the time but it is the gas chambers they are remembered for.
If this were a Bible, would we still be up in arms? If it were the American flag would it received such media coverage? Would anyone say a word about someone burning the American Constitution? The Declaration of Independence? I seriously doubt any of these would garner more than a spot on the ten o'clock news and two inches under the fold. But burning a book that you say is evil is kind of like setting fire to Jack Daniels for the same reason. My grandmother didn't believe in alcoholism. She said no one made them turn that bottle up. It was a choice. Drunks kill people, too.
I figure that's pretty much what the Koran is. You swallow it or not. And like it or not, some Muslims kill people for no reason other than we don't believe in their religion. Americans just say it louder. But burning it won't make much different and may actually defeat your purpose. Most banned books are read by people wanting to see what all the fuss is about. Salmon Rushdie made a killing after the Ayatollah put a contract out on his life. This rube in Florida is just furthering the cause. Too bad Mohamed is dead, he could retire to the Palm Springs.
Stupidity reigns.
Incidentially, I am a Christian. I do not support stupidity in any form.
Once more a so called Christian makes a stand for stupidity.
I respect his right to free speech. He can burn anything he wants, even the American flag, which would truly tic me off. But he could still do it.
However, if he doesn't believe in the Koran why would he even bother to waste a match? Never mind the harm he is doing to the environment with the smoke.
I'm at a loss as to what his point is since up to now, I've not seen any reference to one except he believes Islam is of the devil. Since I'm not on speaking terms with that particular entity, I can't say. I am on speaking terms with Jesus... y'all laugh if you want. You aren't laughing at this guy.
Jesus said,
Mat 5:7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Mat 5:9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Mat 5:38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
Mat 5:39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
Mat 5:40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also.
Mat 5:41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
Mat 5:42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
Mat 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
Mat 5:45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
I could go on but this is pretty apt. This man has broken every single one of these instructions, in fact, I seriously doubt he read this part at all. Do we stone him?
As for the White House and our elected officials trying to stop him? Well, folks, either we believe we have a right to express our opinions in this country or we don't. We can't have it both ways. Dumb as dirt this guy may be but with our politicians he's in good company. Free speech isn't selective.
We're in a quandary, at a cross roads. Either we support the right of every human being to say what they believe or we don't. There is no picking and choosing who is allowed to speak. And burning a book is not equal to chopping off heads. The Nazi's burned books all the time but it is the gas chambers they are remembered for.
If this were a Bible, would we still be up in arms? If it were the American flag would it received such media coverage? Would anyone say a word about someone burning the American Constitution? The Declaration of Independence? I seriously doubt any of these would garner more than a spot on the ten o'clock news and two inches under the fold. But burning a book that you say is evil is kind of like setting fire to Jack Daniels for the same reason. My grandmother didn't believe in alcoholism. She said no one made them turn that bottle up. It was a choice. Drunks kill people, too.
I figure that's pretty much what the Koran is. You swallow it or not. And like it or not, some Muslims kill people for no reason other than we don't believe in their religion. Americans just say it louder. But burning it won't make much different and may actually defeat your purpose. Most banned books are read by people wanting to see what all the fuss is about. Salmon Rushdie made a killing after the Ayatollah put a contract out on his life. This rube in Florida is just furthering the cause. Too bad Mohamed is dead, he could retire to the Palm Springs.
Stupidity reigns.
Incidentially, I am a Christian. I do not support stupidity in any form.
Sleep Shortage
I needed more sleep this morning but I managed to crawl out at 7 a.m. I am ready for work now and will leave shortly. I have appointments until noon.
I think I have a cold. That is the only thing I can think of that makes me feel so rotten with out any major symptoms but a runny nose, headache, and tiredness. Or a sinus problem. Anyway, I need to sleep more. If I still feel lousy by the time I'm done, I may take off early but I know if I got to sleep early I'll be up before daylight. I may have to take something.
It is undecided if it will be cloudy or sunny here. I'm praying for about two days of steady rain. The water is so bad it is now undrinkable. I'm using bottled water exclusively for drinking and cooking... what little I do of that. This can't be healthy when it stinks so bad.
Hope you all have a really great day.
I think I have a cold. That is the only thing I can think of that makes me feel so rotten with out any major symptoms but a runny nose, headache, and tiredness. Or a sinus problem. Anyway, I need to sleep more. If I still feel lousy by the time I'm done, I may take off early but I know if I got to sleep early I'll be up before daylight. I may have to take something.
It is undecided if it will be cloudy or sunny here. I'm praying for about two days of steady rain. The water is so bad it is now undrinkable. I'm using bottled water exclusively for drinking and cooking... what little I do of that. This can't be healthy when it stinks so bad.
Hope you all have a really great day.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
It Feels Like A Monday
This is probably a normal response when you have a Monday off. The next day will, invariably be your Monday. I must say, however, that I've had fewer calls than a typical Monday. And I'm in a good place paperwork wise.
I had a headache this morning, right in the front of my head, which is actually an unusual place for me to have a headache. Not a migraine then? I don't know. My neck hurts as usual and that means pain from my head to my elbow and down my back to my shoulder blade. I slept badly I think. Well, it felt like it. My weekend was so packed that I was exhausted by bedtime. I put medicine on my knees and they are better this morning. I put more on it this morning hoping to stave off evening pain.
Mike missed another dentist appointment. I told him they wouldn't keep rescheduling. He said my sister, who said she'd take him for me, was not there (it is 10 now) and they won't see him if he is 10 minutes late. She does things like this for me on occasion and it is much appreciated. But she is late for everything. She drives very slow as well. I should have told her the appointment was at 9:30 rather than 10. Usually, if she is doing something like this for me, I tell her it is 30 minutes earlier for that reason. Otherwise, she's always half hour late.
At 9:45 yesterday she called about the picnic. She had to do a load of laundry before she could go. I had told her when lunch was going to be earlier in the week but I told her again that they would begin at 11:30 and that it was already nearly ten. I told her to call me when she was ready and if I was still in town, I'd pick her up but if not, to drive over anyway. I live 30 minutes from church. So she called me at 11:30 and I was already at the church. She did drive over but it was after noon by the time she got there. We enjoyed the day, though, and I'm glad she came. She hardly ever gets to do stuff like that and she really needs to.
I'm looking for something. I do not know what. I just feel as if I'm looking for something. I have a restlessness that keeps nagging at me. In case you haven't noticed, I haven't done anymore bead work. I am going to but I've just not had a really good few weeks. The pain has been worse most days even though the weather has improved. My mind is restless I think. I haven't had the bi-monthly meetings of the writing group and I think the lack of mental stimulation has been a factor. I did finish my outline/synopsis for Doug and e-mailed it off. I haven't heard from him but he has a lot going on at the moment. His wife started a new job and his company is in the middle of a buyout so he's concerned for his own job. I feel bad assigning him that short story. I'll have to go easy on the grading scale.
Anyway, I feel a bit like a sheet in the wind. Remember when you were a kid and your mother hung the sheets on the line? Well, most of you will. Anyway, when the wind blew hard the sheet would make this snapping sound and strain at the clothes pins. Sometimes a pin would come loose and the corner would flap. If you tried to take the sheet down, you almost had to do battle to gather it up before it took off. That's pretty much how I feel. I'm madly straining at the pins. But even if I get free, I do not know where I'd go or what I'd do.
I have taken off four hours on the 17th to drive over to Louisville and meet up with my aunt and uncle. They probably won't get there until after three but it takes me two hours to drive it and Louisville is an hour ahead of me. I am going to start planning for another independent excursion soon.
I have to, at some point, get used to it. Otherwise, my life is going to be very confining and sad. I will become a recluse who never goes anywhere or does anything. Jerry would never have liked that. I was the daring one, the one who'd try just about anything as long as it was not going to hurt me if I fell, and who would try anything once as long as it didn't look at me, wiggle when I stuck a fork in it, or didn't eat me. And that was what he loved. He might not do it, but he liked watching me.
Since I started this post I have gone to lunch and my head has eased up but not much. Not sure what that is about. I so wish I could just go home. Tomorrow is recertification day again and it will be over 100 people we have to see. I hate recert days. But with us taking people off the program and not adding new people on, this number will begin to dwindle soon. Unfortunately, we will eventually require less staff. I need to get another skill. I was thinking last night maybe I should try and take a class in medical transcription or something. I'd hate it but hey, it is a sit down job that pays reasonably well, in not as well as what I'm doing.
I'm going to have to check on tires I think tonight. I have to get new tires on my car. I hope maybe by next weekend I'll have them. I'm terrible at this stuff. Jerry just took care of it. I never had to worry about it or shop for it or handle it. I despise this.
I must sign off now. I have some calls to answer and work to do. Hope you fellow Yanks had a good Labor Day. Too bad the rest of you don't have a Labor Day. Of course, my Brit friends get all those "Bank" holidays that I simply don't get at all but sound very nice since they appear to give them nice long weekends at just the right time. Or maybe I'm got it wrong.....{shrug} Someone will correct me, I'm sure.
"Old Fashioned: A style that must be grown into to wear it with grace."
I had a headache this morning, right in the front of my head, which is actually an unusual place for me to have a headache. Not a migraine then? I don't know. My neck hurts as usual and that means pain from my head to my elbow and down my back to my shoulder blade. I slept badly I think. Well, it felt like it. My weekend was so packed that I was exhausted by bedtime. I put medicine on my knees and they are better this morning. I put more on it this morning hoping to stave off evening pain.
Mike missed another dentist appointment. I told him they wouldn't keep rescheduling. He said my sister, who said she'd take him for me, was not there (it is 10 now) and they won't see him if he is 10 minutes late. She does things like this for me on occasion and it is much appreciated. But she is late for everything. She drives very slow as well. I should have told her the appointment was at 9:30 rather than 10. Usually, if she is doing something like this for me, I tell her it is 30 minutes earlier for that reason. Otherwise, she's always half hour late.
At 9:45 yesterday she called about the picnic. She had to do a load of laundry before she could go. I had told her when lunch was going to be earlier in the week but I told her again that they would begin at 11:30 and that it was already nearly ten. I told her to call me when she was ready and if I was still in town, I'd pick her up but if not, to drive over anyway. I live 30 minutes from church. So she called me at 11:30 and I was already at the church. She did drive over but it was after noon by the time she got there. We enjoyed the day, though, and I'm glad she came. She hardly ever gets to do stuff like that and she really needs to.
I'm looking for something. I do not know what. I just feel as if I'm looking for something. I have a restlessness that keeps nagging at me. In case you haven't noticed, I haven't done anymore bead work. I am going to but I've just not had a really good few weeks. The pain has been worse most days even though the weather has improved. My mind is restless I think. I haven't had the bi-monthly meetings of the writing group and I think the lack of mental stimulation has been a factor. I did finish my outline/synopsis for Doug and e-mailed it off. I haven't heard from him but he has a lot going on at the moment. His wife started a new job and his company is in the middle of a buyout so he's concerned for his own job. I feel bad assigning him that short story. I'll have to go easy on the grading scale.
Anyway, I feel a bit like a sheet in the wind. Remember when you were a kid and your mother hung the sheets on the line? Well, most of you will. Anyway, when the wind blew hard the sheet would make this snapping sound and strain at the clothes pins. Sometimes a pin would come loose and the corner would flap. If you tried to take the sheet down, you almost had to do battle to gather it up before it took off. That's pretty much how I feel. I'm madly straining at the pins. But even if I get free, I do not know where I'd go or what I'd do.
I have taken off four hours on the 17th to drive over to Louisville and meet up with my aunt and uncle. They probably won't get there until after three but it takes me two hours to drive it and Louisville is an hour ahead of me. I am going to start planning for another independent excursion soon.
I have to, at some point, get used to it. Otherwise, my life is going to be very confining and sad. I will become a recluse who never goes anywhere or does anything. Jerry would never have liked that. I was the daring one, the one who'd try just about anything as long as it was not going to hurt me if I fell, and who would try anything once as long as it didn't look at me, wiggle when I stuck a fork in it, or didn't eat me. And that was what he loved. He might not do it, but he liked watching me.
Since I started this post I have gone to lunch and my head has eased up but not much. Not sure what that is about. I so wish I could just go home. Tomorrow is recertification day again and it will be over 100 people we have to see. I hate recert days. But with us taking people off the program and not adding new people on, this number will begin to dwindle soon. Unfortunately, we will eventually require less staff. I need to get another skill. I was thinking last night maybe I should try and take a class in medical transcription or something. I'd hate it but hey, it is a sit down job that pays reasonably well, in not as well as what I'm doing.
I'm going to have to check on tires I think tonight. I have to get new tires on my car. I hope maybe by next weekend I'll have them. I'm terrible at this stuff. Jerry just took care of it. I never had to worry about it or shop for it or handle it. I despise this.
I must sign off now. I have some calls to answer and work to do. Hope you fellow Yanks had a good Labor Day. Too bad the rest of you don't have a Labor Day. Of course, my Brit friends get all those "Bank" holidays that I simply don't get at all but sound very nice since they appear to give them nice long weekends at just the right time. Or maybe I'm got it wrong.....{shrug} Someone will correct me, I'm sure.
"Old Fashioned: A style that must be grown into to wear it with grace."
Monday, September 6, 2010
Labor Day at Haven
Sarah spent her first night at Mawmaw's last night. Since I didn't have to be at work today we just played it by ear. She went to church with me last night. And I was finally able to go to sleep at 3 a.m. She never cried but she fought sleep that long. Of course, I have no idea when she had gotten up that morning. But she was very sleepy. I decided to tough it out. She woke at 6 asking for beef stew! LOL, I'd given my only two cans to her mom for her weeks ago. I decided since we'd had only 3 hours sleep we were NOT getting up.
I got up at 9 and got her up. I took a warm cloth and washed her face to wake her because she sleeps hard once she sleeps. She gave me the dirtiest look you have ever seen. I laughed and told her that when her daddy was a little boy I kept a spray bottle of water and if he and uncle Mike didn't get up after three attempts they got sprayed with it and would jump out of bed yelling. I yelled and she giggled. She was up.
We got to the picnic around 11:00 and found a spot to sit. Our new building has walls and a roof and the meal was served inside this. It was actually perfect weather and not uncomfortable at all. A breeze blew in through open windows and doors not finished.
My sister, Phyllis came shortly and joined us. There was plenty of food and we all ate but they always forget the condiments for the hot dogs! Every year! I brought diet cokes and two years ago I made a point of bringing condiments but forgot this year. I'm going to make a list next year. A case of diet sodas since they ran out of those and had a couple of cases of the sugar stuff!
Sarah wanted chicken and fortunately someone had brought fired chicken! What kind of food? Hamburgers, hot dogs, pork and beef stakes, baked beans, mash potatoes, green beans, broccoli casseroles, mac and cheese casseroles, corn, chicken and dumplings (which ran out before my turn!), banana pudding, cakes, pies and watermelon. There may have been other things but that is just what I noticed.
After lunch, we went to play games. Sarah played a beanbag toss until the official games began. Then she did an egg toss and a obstacle course race. She had a wonderful time. I got drafted for the three legged race (remember these are 4-12 year olds) because they were short a leg or two. And I promptly fell flat half way to the finish, with my other leg, Gracie (about 11 or 12). I'll feel that tomorrow. We lost and I think she was disappointed. We had a good gait when we practiced but got tangled up in the race.
I am already having problems with the right leg and hip. Lots of knee pain and pain in my arms and hands. When Sarah woke me this morning it was just horrible. I was very concerned about it.
Finally, we headed home. Sarah promptly fell asleep during the movie Marmaduke that my sister brought by. I'm exhausted. Becca is bringing over a birthday cake because we have not had one yet. Sarah is still sleeping. I hope she sleeps tonight but ;) she'll be home tonight.
I stopped several times today and thought how much fun Jerry would have gotten from the day. He loved his church and this picnic was a highpoint of the year for him. We usually just sat and watched things and talked to people but that was enough for him. But today, with Sarah he would have had the best day of his life.
I got up at 9 and got her up. I took a warm cloth and washed her face to wake her because she sleeps hard once she sleeps. She gave me the dirtiest look you have ever seen. I laughed and told her that when her daddy was a little boy I kept a spray bottle of water and if he and uncle Mike didn't get up after three attempts they got sprayed with it and would jump out of bed yelling. I yelled and she giggled. She was up.
We got to the picnic around 11:00 and found a spot to sit. Our new building has walls and a roof and the meal was served inside this. It was actually perfect weather and not uncomfortable at all. A breeze blew in through open windows and doors not finished.
My sister, Phyllis came shortly and joined us. There was plenty of food and we all ate but they always forget the condiments for the hot dogs! Every year! I brought diet cokes and two years ago I made a point of bringing condiments but forgot this year. I'm going to make a list next year. A case of diet sodas since they ran out of those and had a couple of cases of the sugar stuff!
Sarah wanted chicken and fortunately someone had brought fired chicken! What kind of food? Hamburgers, hot dogs, pork and beef stakes, baked beans, mash potatoes, green beans, broccoli casseroles, mac and cheese casseroles, corn, chicken and dumplings (which ran out before my turn!), banana pudding, cakes, pies and watermelon. There may have been other things but that is just what I noticed.
After lunch, we went to play games. Sarah played a beanbag toss until the official games began. Then she did an egg toss and a obstacle course race. She had a wonderful time. I got drafted for the three legged race (remember these are 4-12 year olds) because they were short a leg or two. And I promptly fell flat half way to the finish, with my other leg, Gracie (about 11 or 12). I'll feel that tomorrow. We lost and I think she was disappointed. We had a good gait when we practiced but got tangled up in the race.
I am already having problems with the right leg and hip. Lots of knee pain and pain in my arms and hands. When Sarah woke me this morning it was just horrible. I was very concerned about it.
Finally, we headed home. Sarah promptly fell asleep during the movie Marmaduke that my sister brought by. I'm exhausted. Becca is bringing over a birthday cake because we have not had one yet. Sarah is still sleeping. I hope she sleeps tonight but ;) she'll be home tonight.
I stopped several times today and thought how much fun Jerry would have gotten from the day. He loved his church and this picnic was a highpoint of the year for him. We usually just sat and watched things and talked to people but that was enough for him. But today, with Sarah he would have had the best day of his life.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Day's End
The day ends with me very far behind in the things I wanted to do. Sarah didn't come over until after 5. I went to buy a weed trimmer. Bought an electric one and had to take it back less than an hour later. The line kept tangling up and it didn't work right. I bought a gas operated one instead but haven't tried it yet. They are so heavy for me to operate but I don't have much choice.
I sat on the patio a long time today. It was nice out but the mosquitoes still bothered me a bit. I did nothing else today. Mike and I went to Sonic and had burgers for lunch. Sonic is a drive-in where they have carhops who bring your food to the car on roller skates but they have a section of tables outside and we got out of the car to eat. The weather was simply perfect. He rolled the fence to the street for me. I asked him to cut the yard but I don't think he was feeling well today. He said his shoulder was hurting. I am hoping he did not hurt it moving those stones. He said it was hurting before that and he used the wheelbarrow to move them. That's ok if he did but still, I could tell his shoulder was bothering him. He has no explanation as to why or he isn't telling me.
I hope to go to church tomorrow. I've asked to take Sarah. They say they are going but we'll see. I'm doubtful.
I went to Sam's Club to look at tires for the car and I bought Sarah two very cute little dresses and some books for her birthday present. I bought me two tops that have to go back. Hate the way they fit but you can't try on clothes there.
Now,I'm in bed contemplating finishing my book, Heat Wave. This is such a funny book! It is a mystery but the characters are so funny. But then they are in the television show! I have no idea who really wrote the book. They have the fictional character's name on it but who knows. It is owned by ABC.
I'm stopping now because I really don't have anything important to say and I frown on rambling blogs written by me. I deactivated my Facebook account this afternoon. I thought that was the same as deleting it but it is apparently not. I'll go back and delete it later. Very liberating. Wonder what we'll all do when the grid fails? No electricity... no internet!My battery is only good for about 4-6 hrs, maybe a bit longer if all I do is write and don't do any heavy duty stuff like videos. Gee, I'd have to learn to write all over again.
Yes, I did say WHEN the grid fails. It will, eventually. Nothing last forever and if it can go wrong, it will.
With that thought to ponder, I bid you good night.
I sat on the patio a long time today. It was nice out but the mosquitoes still bothered me a bit. I did nothing else today. Mike and I went to Sonic and had burgers for lunch. Sonic is a drive-in where they have carhops who bring your food to the car on roller skates but they have a section of tables outside and we got out of the car to eat. The weather was simply perfect. He rolled the fence to the street for me. I asked him to cut the yard but I don't think he was feeling well today. He said his shoulder was hurting. I am hoping he did not hurt it moving those stones. He said it was hurting before that and he used the wheelbarrow to move them. That's ok if he did but still, I could tell his shoulder was bothering him. He has no explanation as to why or he isn't telling me.
I hope to go to church tomorrow. I've asked to take Sarah. They say they are going but we'll see. I'm doubtful.
I went to Sam's Club to look at tires for the car and I bought Sarah two very cute little dresses and some books for her birthday present. I bought me two tops that have to go back. Hate the way they fit but you can't try on clothes there.
Now,I'm in bed contemplating finishing my book, Heat Wave. This is such a funny book! It is a mystery but the characters are so funny. But then they are in the television show! I have no idea who really wrote the book. They have the fictional character's name on it but who knows. It is owned by ABC.
I'm stopping now because I really don't have anything important to say and I frown on rambling blogs written by me. I deactivated my Facebook account this afternoon. I thought that was the same as deleting it but it is apparently not. I'll go back and delete it later. Very liberating. Wonder what we'll all do when the grid fails? No electricity... no internet!My battery is only good for about 4-6 hrs, maybe a bit longer if all I do is write and don't do any heavy duty stuff like videos. Gee, I'd have to learn to write all over again.
Yes, I did say WHEN the grid fails. It will, eventually. Nothing last forever and if it can go wrong, it will.
With that thought to ponder, I bid you good night.
Good Morning, Saturday!
You look marvelous! It is lovely out my window. The sunshine woke me and she's such beautiful girl. It is a chilly 63 out there so I won't go out for a bit.
I woke up at 8:30 and got a nice hot cup of joe. I'm sitting in the middle of my bed writing challenges and this blog. My church has a Labor Day picnic on Monday and I may go to that. Mike and I will, anyway. I don't know if anyone else will but we decided to go for the food. LOL.
I realized last night that my Writing Challenge blog on blogspot has 1 follower! I was surprised and thrilled. LOL, silly huh? I don't know the person but they had several writing blogs they are members of and mine was one. Lately, I've not been doing challenges because my head wasn't cooperating. But I think I'll work on some more this weekend.
I have one week to finish my outline. I think I will be done but it has been really difficult. If I could have outlined without reading the whole story,I'd be done but I have to read it to know what is going one so I can summarize it. This is why you are supposed to outline before you write. LOL.
I'm deleting my Facebook account today. If I am on your Facebook it is not personal. I have some members that just insist on bickering and carrying on I'm really tired of it. It depresses me that these people continue to publicly air their opinions thinking that the rest of the world cares that they are mean and petty. Were I reviewing some of the sites for potential employees, I'd be put off from hiring people who can't get along in public and think free speech means mouthing off all the time regardless of what others think. I don't get that at all. It gets depressing.
I told one of my children this week that kind of behavior is why I have a very small circle of family contacts and friends. I simply don't like negative people around me.I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to read every boring detail of their life and their silly arguments. These people who repeatedly use the media to say things that they don't have the nerve to call and say on the phone or to someone's face.
I sure don't want people to see I know such people. Blogs are for venting and you chose who sees and you tend to make a point... even if it is that your are just crazy. Facebook is not a blog. And my idea of social networking is shaking hands and smiling, trying to make the best impression I can. Not tell the world I'm a fool who gets in a snit over every little thing. Well, you guys know I do but this is what the blog is. It also gets boring reading about the hours people have spent playing a game. Page after page of it! Do I care?
Oh! And the Facebook Christian! Oh, I love those. Misquoting scripture to suit an ignorant attitude. People who never open the Bible should NOT quote what they THINK the Bible says. They just expose how profoundly stupid they are to a billion people! Isn't that fun! And those who do know quote only that special part that proves they are right! But then they go make nasty comments to people, exposing that they are also mean and nasty!
Then there is the FPF - Facebook Pseudo Friend. Those are the ones who say "Let's keep in touch. Add me!" And you never hear from them again. . . except when they post they've played games for six days straight and have the highest score in the world. Or when they talk to other people but never respond to your greetings.
O.k. this has become a rant. I'm going and cast out that demon Facebook! I truly believe it is a negative place. Might be fine if only your relatives are on there and you get along and keep in contact. But some of the mean and nasty people on mine ARE relatives! It is why I live three states away!
I found out yesterday that Mike has broken up with Connie. I'm very sorry for him. He really liked her and I think she liked him. He simply can't reconcile their differences in faith. She likes to go to bars and clubs to dance and she smokes and drinks. And she wouldn't go to church with him. He says he just can't deal with that. Don't get me wrong. Mike is NOT perfect. Far from it. He is... is desperately lonely. That isn't our lifestyle and he's smart enough to know that it would not be wise to mix in a marriage.
I went through a period last January when I thought I was going to do some stupid things. It was horrible but it let me have a bit of insight into Mike's mind. This kind of loneliness is terrible. No relief from the emptiness of your life. Waking up every morning and going to bed every night without the person you love. No special occasions to celebrate. I think it hit me because of the holidays. Mike has been living this for 4 years and in this area, we are very much alike. We loved being a couple with someone and our lives were meant to be lived like that. That was our purpose. We've both been dealt a bad hand. His ended in divorce and mine in death.
I'm trying to redraw the lines on the map. I have to learn to like this kind of solitude. It is not the same as solitude when you are married. Then, you always go back to that person because you want to be with them. Now, I have no choice. I can't come back from it. So, I try and do things by myself but it is hard. Most of the time I feel better staying home. No one bothers me here. (Read no one calls.) LOL. My aunt and uncle have spent lots of time trying to get me to get out and go places. They have in the past taken trips with their friends from Texas and just the two of them for years. This last year they have included me when things got very bad. They helped. But as you all know my first trip "alone" last month was a fiasco. I had this totally unrealistic idea of how it would be. It wasn't. In the first place, seeing new places alone is no fun. Secondly, car troubles in strange cities alone is even less fun. Yes, I'll have to try again because this . . . is . . . my life. I have no other.
I talked to Kat last night about trying to get together. She is waaaaaayyyyyy up in Chicago. It is over six hours for either of us to drive. I talked to Nancy, too. I think she's in Missouri... at least six hours. Nina is closer... about three hours. Who else? Oh, Cassandra in Illinois is about three hours. Grammy Blicktx... well, Texas is a bit of a jaunt but I've been wanting to go back there for a visit anyway.
I decided something else. Next year the Midwest Writer's Guild is hosting a weekend writing conference. I mentioned this before. I have about five writing friends on my list of contacts... maybe six. All of of you are invited to camp at my house if you want to attend! That is one year away. I'll post details as it progresses. Bring air mattresses, camp cots etc. I do have a couple of beds for anyone who can't do the air mattress thing. By then, the house won't be a total disaster of repairs. I hope to have a new tub in a couple of months. Just a thought. I'm serious. You just have to spring for your conference fees and meals.
The morning has progressed and it is now 66 degrees at 10 a.m. I'm going to get off here and go fix me something to eat. Mike said he is coming over. I am going to see if he will do some stuff outside for me. Sarah has not arrived, despite her projected arrival time of 9 a.m. I won't wait. Too much I need to do.
Labor Day holiday has gotten off to a lovely start. Hope everyone has a really lovely weekend.
I woke up at 8:30 and got a nice hot cup of joe. I'm sitting in the middle of my bed writing challenges and this blog. My church has a Labor Day picnic on Monday and I may go to that. Mike and I will, anyway. I don't know if anyone else will but we decided to go for the food. LOL.
I realized last night that my Writing Challenge blog on blogspot has 1 follower! I was surprised and thrilled. LOL, silly huh? I don't know the person but they had several writing blogs they are members of and mine was one. Lately, I've not been doing challenges because my head wasn't cooperating. But I think I'll work on some more this weekend.
I have one week to finish my outline. I think I will be done but it has been really difficult. If I could have outlined without reading the whole story,I'd be done but I have to read it to know what is going one so I can summarize it. This is why you are supposed to outline before you write. LOL.
I'm deleting my Facebook account today. If I am on your Facebook it is not personal. I have some members that just insist on bickering and carrying on I'm really tired of it. It depresses me that these people continue to publicly air their opinions thinking that the rest of the world cares that they are mean and petty. Were I reviewing some of the sites for potential employees, I'd be put off from hiring people who can't get along in public and think free speech means mouthing off all the time regardless of what others think. I don't get that at all. It gets depressing.
I told one of my children this week that kind of behavior is why I have a very small circle of family contacts and friends. I simply don't like negative people around me.I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to read every boring detail of their life and their silly arguments. These people who repeatedly use the media to say things that they don't have the nerve to call and say on the phone or to someone's face.
I sure don't want people to see I know such people. Blogs are for venting and you chose who sees and you tend to make a point... even if it is that your are just crazy. Facebook is not a blog. And my idea of social networking is shaking hands and smiling, trying to make the best impression I can. Not tell the world I'm a fool who gets in a snit over every little thing. Well, you guys know I do but this is what the blog is. It also gets boring reading about the hours people have spent playing a game. Page after page of it! Do I care?
Oh! And the Facebook Christian! Oh, I love those. Misquoting scripture to suit an ignorant attitude. People who never open the Bible should NOT quote what they THINK the Bible says. They just expose how profoundly stupid they are to a billion people! Isn't that fun! And those who do know quote only that special part that proves they are right! But then they go make nasty comments to people, exposing that they are also mean and nasty!
Then there is the FPF - Facebook Pseudo Friend. Those are the ones who say "Let's keep in touch. Add me!" And you never hear from them again. . . except when they post they've played games for six days straight and have the highest score in the world. Or when they talk to other people but never respond to your greetings.
O.k. this has become a rant. I'm going and cast out that demon Facebook! I truly believe it is a negative place. Might be fine if only your relatives are on there and you get along and keep in contact. But some of the mean and nasty people on mine ARE relatives! It is why I live three states away!
I found out yesterday that Mike has broken up with Connie. I'm very sorry for him. He really liked her and I think she liked him. He simply can't reconcile their differences in faith. She likes to go to bars and clubs to dance and she smokes and drinks. And she wouldn't go to church with him. He says he just can't deal with that. Don't get me wrong. Mike is NOT perfect. Far from it. He is... is desperately lonely. That isn't our lifestyle and he's smart enough to know that it would not be wise to mix in a marriage.
I went through a period last January when I thought I was going to do some stupid things. It was horrible but it let me have a bit of insight into Mike's mind. This kind of loneliness is terrible. No relief from the emptiness of your life. Waking up every morning and going to bed every night without the person you love. No special occasions to celebrate. I think it hit me because of the holidays. Mike has been living this for 4 years and in this area, we are very much alike. We loved being a couple with someone and our lives were meant to be lived like that. That was our purpose. We've both been dealt a bad hand. His ended in divorce and mine in death.
I'm trying to redraw the lines on the map. I have to learn to like this kind of solitude. It is not the same as solitude when you are married. Then, you always go back to that person because you want to be with them. Now, I have no choice. I can't come back from it. So, I try and do things by myself but it is hard. Most of the time I feel better staying home. No one bothers me here. (Read no one calls.) LOL. My aunt and uncle have spent lots of time trying to get me to get out and go places. They have in the past taken trips with their friends from Texas and just the two of them for years. This last year they have included me when things got very bad. They helped. But as you all know my first trip "alone" last month was a fiasco. I had this totally unrealistic idea of how it would be. It wasn't. In the first place, seeing new places alone is no fun. Secondly, car troubles in strange cities alone is even less fun. Yes, I'll have to try again because this . . . is . . . my life. I have no other.
I talked to Kat last night about trying to get together. She is waaaaaayyyyyy up in Chicago. It is over six hours for either of us to drive. I talked to Nancy, too. I think she's in Missouri... at least six hours. Nina is closer... about three hours. Who else? Oh, Cassandra in Illinois is about three hours. Grammy Blicktx... well, Texas is a bit of a jaunt but I've been wanting to go back there for a visit anyway.
I decided something else. Next year the Midwest Writer's Guild is hosting a weekend writing conference. I mentioned this before. I have about five writing friends on my list of contacts... maybe six. All of of you are invited to camp at my house if you want to attend! That is one year away. I'll post details as it progresses. Bring air mattresses, camp cots etc. I do have a couple of beds for anyone who can't do the air mattress thing. By then, the house won't be a total disaster of repairs. I hope to have a new tub in a couple of months. Just a thought. I'm serious. You just have to spring for your conference fees and meals.
The morning has progressed and it is now 66 degrees at 10 a.m. I'm going to get off here and go fix me something to eat. Mike said he is coming over. I am going to see if he will do some stuff outside for me. Sarah has not arrived, despite her projected arrival time of 9 a.m. I won't wait. Too much I need to do.
Labor Day holiday has gotten off to a lovely start. Hope everyone has a really lovely weekend.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Black Wednesday
I do not want to go out today. This has been simply a horrible week. I feel as if I've backtracked months. Memories that are so painful that they can't be borne just pour in and can't be stopped. And the ache of wanting to see Jerry is beyond belief.
I don't know when that will stop. I have never stopped missing Mama and she died when I was 17! There has been more than one day in all those years when I simply sat and cried for hours. No day has ever gone by when I didn't think of her and miss her and need her. This is worse. This is utter devastation. I do not know what to do.
I am about to leave for work but every day this week has been nearly impossible. If I did what I wanted to do, I'd lie down on the couch and not get up. On top of it I'm in the middle of some kind of flare. Fibro and RA combined. Joints and muscles have been hurting and this pain reduces your ability to cope. Saturday was fine and it has been downhill ever since. I'm making more mistakes typing, too.
I have an appointment today at 10 with the RA doctor. There isn't much she can do. She just checks to see how the joints are faring and if I'm any worse. These are both diseases which don't kill you but they make you wish you were dead. And there is no known cure. So couple those with my life and you may get a clue as to what most days are for me.
I have to stop complaining about it. It is what it is. Get used to it. Accept inevitability. Someone said after Jerry died, "You're a fighter." I never wanted to fight. I don't want to fight anymore. I want, so very much, peace. To stop feeling all of this.
I don't know when that will stop. I have never stopped missing Mama and she died when I was 17! There has been more than one day in all those years when I simply sat and cried for hours. No day has ever gone by when I didn't think of her and miss her and need her. This is worse. This is utter devastation. I do not know what to do.
I am about to leave for work but every day this week has been nearly impossible. If I did what I wanted to do, I'd lie down on the couch and not get up. On top of it I'm in the middle of some kind of flare. Fibro and RA combined. Joints and muscles have been hurting and this pain reduces your ability to cope. Saturday was fine and it has been downhill ever since. I'm making more mistakes typing, too.
I have an appointment today at 10 with the RA doctor. There isn't much she can do. She just checks to see how the joints are faring and if I'm any worse. These are both diseases which don't kill you but they make you wish you were dead. And there is no known cure. So couple those with my life and you may get a clue as to what most days are for me.
I have to stop complaining about it. It is what it is. Get used to it. Accept inevitability. Someone said after Jerry died, "You're a fighter." I never wanted to fight. I don't want to fight anymore. I want, so very much, peace. To stop feeling all of this.
Monday, August 30, 2010
The Dryer in My Head
It tumbles. That's the analogy. I'll clear it up at the beginning. Mainly because if I don't you will think I'm simply crazy. I do nothing simply.
I was for about 24 hours, nearly happy. I got frightened on Saturday because the thought had even occurred to me! Never say you're happy or nearly happy or could be happy. I'm paying for it today. I asked for it, of course. I can't seem to get my head on right. Can't seem to keep a check on my emotions. Disappointments abound.
Sunday was a stressful day, not a day of real rest. I was feeling very shaky and emotional Sunday morning. I went to church, spent the afternoon reading stuff online and watching t.v. shows on Hulu. I went to church Sunday night and dear Sis. Powell asked me to sing. I did. It was fine. The last time I sang that song was Sunday night, Jan 11, 2009, our anniversary. I announced that it was our anniversary and that my husband deserved a hand because of all the stuff he'd put up with for 35 years. I will never forget the smile on his face. Jerry would be dead in 10 days. Amazing the kinds of things you can remember. But I forgot to get hairspray at the store yesterday. I forgot to pick up my medicines from the pharmacy. I forgot to get fabric softener. Life is truly filled with trivial details better forgotten. Most of the crap we deal with just doesn't matter.
Last night, I just wanted to see him, for five minutes, to just hug him, rub his cheek, talk to him about all the things that I was dealing with, to hear him say not to worry, even though he knew I would. I said as much to the air. I said I knew it was impossible. I agreed that if I saw him it would only make things worse. I mean, that's why we don't see people after they die. It would be a constant reminder that we can't touch them or be with them in any real way. We can't be hugged or kissed or hold hands. I can't imagine a more horrible nightmare. To see someone you are connected to by heart, mind and body and not be able to reach them. Stephen King couldn't write it. I admitted it but it didn't change a thing.
So, I dreamed. I dreamed he was there. I could feel the skin of his cheek under my hands. I rubbed his shoulders and arms and hands as if I was trying to absorb the feel into my own pores. I hugged him. I kissed him. I snuggled against his side. He never spoke that I can recall. And I woke up this morning not sure of what day it was or what time it was and feeling cheated and anxious. And tired, as if the effort to hold on to him had been too much.
I feel as if I'm being tossed in all directions. I can remember as a kid getting at the top of a hill and rolling down. We came up laughing and ran back up to do it again. It isn't fun anymore. I don't like the dizziness. I feel as if nothing is stable and secure and that the whole world would collapse at any moment. Is this what insanity feels like? I only write this because I thought if I did I might understand it a bit better. Or that some of the fear would dissipate. It hasn't worked so far. Because it is fear. An overwhelming sense of no control and no stability. This is a high wire across the Grand Canyon and there is no net. It is the Ferris Wheel with no brakes.
Jerry took me to the fair right after we first married and moved into our own apartment, probably in the fall of 1974. We rode all kind of rides. I had ridden a Ferris Wheel once in my life when I was about 10 and never wanted to again but he talked me into riding this double Ferris Wheel. I was terrified but he convinced me it would be fine. It wasn't. I got so frightened I couldn't open my eyes and I thought it would never end. Afterward, I went home and was sick to my stomach and had to go to bed. I've never ridden another one. I wish I could stop this one and get off.
It is all confusing. I stay confused and that is the most frightening thing of all. When I woke up Saturday, I was clear headed and thought that maybe things were going to be better. I had this notion on Saturday that the world was going to stop tipping on its axis and knocking me down. I fluctuate between a sense of light ahead and an all encompassing darkness. I can't keep the light long enough to feel safe. This isn't depression as I know it. This is something else. Is this grief? I don't know. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm the one whose dead.
I was for about 24 hours, nearly happy. I got frightened on Saturday because the thought had even occurred to me! Never say you're happy or nearly happy or could be happy. I'm paying for it today. I asked for it, of course. I can't seem to get my head on right. Can't seem to keep a check on my emotions. Disappointments abound.
Sunday was a stressful day, not a day of real rest. I was feeling very shaky and emotional Sunday morning. I went to church, spent the afternoon reading stuff online and watching t.v. shows on Hulu. I went to church Sunday night and dear Sis. Powell asked me to sing. I did. It was fine. The last time I sang that song was Sunday night, Jan 11, 2009, our anniversary. I announced that it was our anniversary and that my husband deserved a hand because of all the stuff he'd put up with for 35 years. I will never forget the smile on his face. Jerry would be dead in 10 days. Amazing the kinds of things you can remember. But I forgot to get hairspray at the store yesterday. I forgot to pick up my medicines from the pharmacy. I forgot to get fabric softener. Life is truly filled with trivial details better forgotten. Most of the crap we deal with just doesn't matter.
Last night, I just wanted to see him, for five minutes, to just hug him, rub his cheek, talk to him about all the things that I was dealing with, to hear him say not to worry, even though he knew I would. I said as much to the air. I said I knew it was impossible. I agreed that if I saw him it would only make things worse. I mean, that's why we don't see people after they die. It would be a constant reminder that we can't touch them or be with them in any real way. We can't be hugged or kissed or hold hands. I can't imagine a more horrible nightmare. To see someone you are connected to by heart, mind and body and not be able to reach them. Stephen King couldn't write it. I admitted it but it didn't change a thing.
So, I dreamed. I dreamed he was there. I could feel the skin of his cheek under my hands. I rubbed his shoulders and arms and hands as if I was trying to absorb the feel into my own pores. I hugged him. I kissed him. I snuggled against his side. He never spoke that I can recall. And I woke up this morning not sure of what day it was or what time it was and feeling cheated and anxious. And tired, as if the effort to hold on to him had been too much.
I feel as if I'm being tossed in all directions. I can remember as a kid getting at the top of a hill and rolling down. We came up laughing and ran back up to do it again. It isn't fun anymore. I don't like the dizziness. I feel as if nothing is stable and secure and that the whole world would collapse at any moment. Is this what insanity feels like? I only write this because I thought if I did I might understand it a bit better. Or that some of the fear would dissipate. It hasn't worked so far. Because it is fear. An overwhelming sense of no control and no stability. This is a high wire across the Grand Canyon and there is no net. It is the Ferris Wheel with no brakes.
Jerry took me to the fair right after we first married and moved into our own apartment, probably in the fall of 1974. We rode all kind of rides. I had ridden a Ferris Wheel once in my life when I was about 10 and never wanted to again but he talked me into riding this double Ferris Wheel. I was terrified but he convinced me it would be fine. It wasn't. I got so frightened I couldn't open my eyes and I thought it would never end. Afterward, I went home and was sick to my stomach and had to go to bed. I've never ridden another one. I wish I could stop this one and get off.
It is all confusing. I stay confused and that is the most frightening thing of all. When I woke up Saturday, I was clear headed and thought that maybe things were going to be better. I had this notion on Saturday that the world was going to stop tipping on its axis and knocking me down. I fluctuate between a sense of light ahead and an all encompassing darkness. I can't keep the light long enough to feel safe. This isn't depression as I know it. This is something else. Is this grief? I don't know. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm the one whose dead.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Sunday Outlook
I had a pretty good sleep last night! Wow...I was exhausted and when I went to bed went to sleep as soon as my lights went out, which was probably around 11:30 or a little after... I think.... Anyway, I slept hard until this morning. Had several dreams I think and woke up with a "bad" feeling. I hate dreams that you leave you feeling like that because you feel you have missed something or forgotten something or ... or something. Getting up with gloom hanging over you head is so unpleasant.
I lay there for a bit contemplating who'd go with me this morning and if I really thought I could go by myself. Yes, I can but I so want to take Sarah and I know that it isn't going to happen so I am always disappointed on Sundays. It never changes. I call, no one answers or if they do, they aren't going.
Maybe you can be a Christian and not go to church. But if I believe the Bible it instructs up to GO to God's house regularly. I understand the sick and infirm and those unable to go. God understands all that. He understands where I've been living for a year and a half. I've missed a lot. But I assure you my desire often dragged me there, even though at times I felt worse for going. If someone had gone with me, I'd have gone more. There is a something in me that longs to be where God is. I know, I know, He's WITH us. But there is something, perhaps the thing that drove King David to the temple, that calls to my heart to go. I don't think people realize that church attendance is not to bless them so much as it is to bless God. It is a way that honor is given to God. A day and a place set aside solely for Him. To abandon that is to tell God we're too busy to be bothered. Our life is much too important to give him a single day.
So, I go, alone if necessary. If no one goes, I want to go. But I want them to go, too. I want them to have that same desire. I've accepted it isn't going to happen. My desire is to honor God, to let Him know how much He means to me. I don't want to be so busy that God has to get in line for my complete attention.
Then, my phone rings and there is ever faithful Mike. Despite his problems. Despite his falling off the path at times, there is this thing in Mike, too. This desire to be there. He has always had it, never lost it, in fact. If he were a better driver, I'd let him take my car on days when I'm physically not able to go. But he's just terrible and I can't have anything happen to my car. But he goes with me. And in that, he honors me and his Dad. It is what we wanted for our children. I guess we did one thing right.
So, I'm off to church. I am not going to do anything this afternoon but take Mike to the store. I'm coming home and getting comfortable and not answering my phone. I did all the cleaning I need yesterday. Today, I want to rest.
I lay there for a bit contemplating who'd go with me this morning and if I really thought I could go by myself. Yes, I can but I so want to take Sarah and I know that it isn't going to happen so I am always disappointed on Sundays. It never changes. I call, no one answers or if they do, they aren't going.
Maybe you can be a Christian and not go to church. But if I believe the Bible it instructs up to GO to God's house regularly. I understand the sick and infirm and those unable to go. God understands all that. He understands where I've been living for a year and a half. I've missed a lot. But I assure you my desire often dragged me there, even though at times I felt worse for going. If someone had gone with me, I'd have gone more. There is a something in me that longs to be where God is. I know, I know, He's WITH us. But there is something, perhaps the thing that drove King David to the temple, that calls to my heart to go. I don't think people realize that church attendance is not to bless them so much as it is to bless God. It is a way that honor is given to God. A day and a place set aside solely for Him. To abandon that is to tell God we're too busy to be bothered. Our life is much too important to give him a single day.
So, I go, alone if necessary. If no one goes, I want to go. But I want them to go, too. I want them to have that same desire. I've accepted it isn't going to happen. My desire is to honor God, to let Him know how much He means to me. I don't want to be so busy that God has to get in line for my complete attention.
Then, my phone rings and there is ever faithful Mike. Despite his problems. Despite his falling off the path at times, there is this thing in Mike, too. This desire to be there. He has always had it, never lost it, in fact. If he were a better driver, I'd let him take my car on days when I'm physically not able to go. But he's just terrible and I can't have anything happen to my car. But he goes with me. And in that, he honors me and his Dad. It is what we wanted for our children. I guess we did one thing right.
So, I'm off to church. I am not going to do anything this afternoon but take Mike to the store. I'm coming home and getting comfortable and not answering my phone. I did all the cleaning I need yesterday. Today, I want to rest.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Passed the Middle
Sunshine in my window. I hate being stuck inside. I went out and watered some of the flowers last night. The only thing really left is the Four O'clocks and marigolds. I have a few moss roses the rabbits didn't eat and two Lantanas that are just about a foot high but blooming. Everything else the heat or rabbits got. Next year... pot gardening. The ground work is way to much work.
I thought that as you got older time seemed to speed up. I haven't found that true this year. Since Jerry died days seem to drag along and so do weeks. It makes it very difficult sometimes to get through them. I should be grateful. So many times I remember thinking that life was just whizzing by and there wasn't enough time. Now, it isn't whizzing by and there seems to be more time but I have no energy or mental cohesiveness to do anything.
The weather is changing. I woke with aches and pains. My left foot. I have to have the bunion on that foot looked at. My right hip has hurt for days but more so this morning. My lower back. Yesterday a co-worker's back went out and I sent her home. Mine had been flaring up and today, when I woke I thought I might not make it either. We both have sciatica. Then, my upper back aches a bit.
Now you've had the rundown we'll move on.
It is Thursday and tonight is Writer's meeting. I'm only expecting two people. We used to be six and the summer seems to have just sent us in all directions. I am adjusting I think to not having it but I miss it. And I find I'm not writing without the stimulation of writing talks.
Must think about an online group soon.
The change in the way I take my meds at night seems to have done a couple of things. I'm sleeping a lot better. As a result, I'm not having such strong emotional bouts at least. Sleep is the only thing I know that helps with that and the fibro. And I'm not as groggy in the early evening! Duh!! I hope I'll get a routine established this week and then make myself do more in the evenings. I was even having trouble when I went to church at night. Driving back home was just a huge task because I'd be so tired but not able to sleep once I got home and ready for bed.
NaNo is around the bend. Thirty days of madness. I'm looking forward to it this year, hoping it will break this tendency to procrastinate. I usually come out with the bones of a good story that turns into a rotting corpse before the year is out. I'd like to change that. I didn't think I could do it at all last year and I very nearly didn't. But I don't want another NaNo like that one. It was an horrible way to write. And without my NaNo buddies I do not think I could have done it at all.
Dave and family came by last night and we had sandwiches. They came while I was watering plants. Mosquitoes are terrible out and we didn't stay out. I despise those nasty pests. I had Dave take some of the sand from the sand box and cover the wet area where my air is draining. I have to go get some pipe and dig a drainage trench. I'll see if Mike can do that for me this weekend. He's good at stuff like that when I can get him moving.
Well, work calls. Has an ugly voice. Hope everyone has a beautiful day!
I thought that as you got older time seemed to speed up. I haven't found that true this year. Since Jerry died days seem to drag along and so do weeks. It makes it very difficult sometimes to get through them. I should be grateful. So many times I remember thinking that life was just whizzing by and there wasn't enough time. Now, it isn't whizzing by and there seems to be more time but I have no energy or mental cohesiveness to do anything.
The weather is changing. I woke with aches and pains. My left foot. I have to have the bunion on that foot looked at. My right hip has hurt for days but more so this morning. My lower back. Yesterday a co-worker's back went out and I sent her home. Mine had been flaring up and today, when I woke I thought I might not make it either. We both have sciatica. Then, my upper back aches a bit.
Now you've had the rundown we'll move on.
It is Thursday and tonight is Writer's meeting. I'm only expecting two people. We used to be six and the summer seems to have just sent us in all directions. I am adjusting I think to not having it but I miss it. And I find I'm not writing without the stimulation of writing talks.
Must think about an online group soon.
The change in the way I take my meds at night seems to have done a couple of things. I'm sleeping a lot better. As a result, I'm not having such strong emotional bouts at least. Sleep is the only thing I know that helps with that and the fibro. And I'm not as groggy in the early evening! Duh!! I hope I'll get a routine established this week and then make myself do more in the evenings. I was even having trouble when I went to church at night. Driving back home was just a huge task because I'd be so tired but not able to sleep once I got home and ready for bed.
NaNo is around the bend. Thirty days of madness. I'm looking forward to it this year, hoping it will break this tendency to procrastinate. I usually come out with the bones of a good story that turns into a rotting corpse before the year is out. I'd like to change that. I didn't think I could do it at all last year and I very nearly didn't. But I don't want another NaNo like that one. It was an horrible way to write. And without my NaNo buddies I do not think I could have done it at all.
Dave and family came by last night and we had sandwiches. They came while I was watering plants. Mosquitoes are terrible out and we didn't stay out. I despise those nasty pests. I had Dave take some of the sand from the sand box and cover the wet area where my air is draining. I have to go get some pipe and dig a drainage trench. I'll see if Mike can do that for me this weekend. He's good at stuff like that when I can get him moving.
Well, work calls. Has an ugly voice. Hope everyone has a beautiful day!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Today Is. . .
I didn't know when I got up. I had to look at the computer to tell me the day. This is frequently the case now. I never know what day it is unless I look at a calendar. I don't remember things that I think I should remember. It is all the same, day after day.
I had a stressful call from an attorney on my job yesterday. The guy is a public attorney for the poor. Woman doesn't want to pay rent she owes and he said she shouldn't have to for a list of reason. I don't care personally but I'm under federal regs to do certain things. The guy was virtually yelling at me before I got him of the phone, doing the usual badgering game. It took me hours to calm down. I nearly had an anxiety attack and I don't know why.
David's job is going to end soon. I do not know what they will do if he doesn't find something else right away. I've had all I can take of the up and down and I suspect that is what the frequent anxiety attacks are signaling. I'm having them more frequently and they are lasting longer.
I had a meltdown last night after I'd held on as long as I could. No, I can't fix it without drugs that will prevent me from working. I have to work.
Mike's computer is now fixed and he took it home. I probably won't see him very often. He too has no reliable income. He is selling plasma again but anything can happen to mess that up, a broken vein, sickness, high bp, all kinds of stuff. They don't seem to get that I can't pay everyone's bills.
I'm waiting on an official estimate for the bathroom. I don't know when they will do it but I'd like to just get it done... yesterday. I getting more and more concerned that I'll have to sell the house and leave here. There is really no reason but the job to stay. And a job is the thing I'd need to leave. They are few and far between for everyone.
I'm off to work now. Another long trying day unless something happens to change it.
I had a stressful call from an attorney on my job yesterday. The guy is a public attorney for the poor. Woman doesn't want to pay rent she owes and he said she shouldn't have to for a list of reason. I don't care personally but I'm under federal regs to do certain things. The guy was virtually yelling at me before I got him of the phone, doing the usual badgering game. It took me hours to calm down. I nearly had an anxiety attack and I don't know why.
David's job is going to end soon. I do not know what they will do if he doesn't find something else right away. I've had all I can take of the up and down and I suspect that is what the frequent anxiety attacks are signaling. I'm having them more frequently and they are lasting longer.
I had a meltdown last night after I'd held on as long as I could. No, I can't fix it without drugs that will prevent me from working. I have to work.
Mike's computer is now fixed and he took it home. I probably won't see him very often. He too has no reliable income. He is selling plasma again but anything can happen to mess that up, a broken vein, sickness, high bp, all kinds of stuff. They don't seem to get that I can't pay everyone's bills.
I'm waiting on an official estimate for the bathroom. I don't know when they will do it but I'd like to just get it done... yesterday. I getting more and more concerned that I'll have to sell the house and leave here. There is really no reason but the job to stay. And a job is the thing I'd need to leave. They are few and far between for everyone.
I'm off to work now. Another long trying day unless something happens to change it.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday Morning Musing
Amazing but I probably got the best sleep last night that I've had in, well, I can't remember when. I'd have to go and check the blogs. I'm sure I've ranted ad nauseam about it. I don't feel tremendously better but I wasn't so exhausted when I got up.
I was so miserably sore yesterday. And my poor hands! Every time I wash them in warm water the palms feel as if they are scalded. No, I did not burn myself. I just pushed the more for four hours and held the self-propel leaver down with my right hand and the emergency shut off bar with the left. The handle of the mower is metal with no padding. I'm going to see about some kind of padding or some kind of gloves with padded sides against my palms. They are really painful still.
Anyway, why did I sleep well? I've been taking my evening medicines art 6 every evening so I don't forget them. I have an alarm to remind me. This includes my flexiril and melatonin, both help me sleep. The last two nights I have taken those to medicines at 9 rather than six. At six when I take the other things, I simply put them back in the minder and take them at 9. I think it has helped. So, I'll be doing that for a while. The melatonin is supposed to be taken early but I always wake up before the alarm at 6:30 anyway so I don't think it matters much. Although, this morning, I woke up only when the alarm went off and I wasn't as exhausted.
Mike came home last night. I went to lunch with him today. He stayed up all night and is exhausted. He said he didn't get up yesterday until very late and couldn't go to sleep. He will go to bed very early tonight but I don't know if he is going to make it until then. I am supposed to pick him up at 5 and take him to my house. I don't know why. He wants to try and get his computer running. I do too! He won't need to have me run him around after work so much.
I took Sarah to church last night. She is just a pistol, let me tell you. She started talking in the car and didn't stop all night. She has so much to say. On the way home she told me she used to be a brown bird and could fly. I told her that I'd like to see that. She said the next time she was a brown bird I could watch her. She was also once a mountain climber. I have no idea where that came from but I had just told her that when I was 4 I loved to climb trees. LOL, it is true, ask my aunt. I am hoping Sarah won't take that after me.
I will stop for now. I am at work and just came back from lunch. I may be back later tonight. But my plan is to work on catching up on sleep to see if this pain gets better. The pain in my back around that spot come back last night and it was pretty bad for a while. It still hurts today, just not as much. But I've learned anything I push, pull, or lift is going to cause me a lot of trouble.
Toodles for now.
I was so miserably sore yesterday. And my poor hands! Every time I wash them in warm water the palms feel as if they are scalded. No, I did not burn myself. I just pushed the more for four hours and held the self-propel leaver down with my right hand and the emergency shut off bar with the left. The handle of the mower is metal with no padding. I'm going to see about some kind of padding or some kind of gloves with padded sides against my palms. They are really painful still.
Anyway, why did I sleep well? I've been taking my evening medicines art 6 every evening so I don't forget them. I have an alarm to remind me. This includes my flexiril and melatonin, both help me sleep. The last two nights I have taken those to medicines at 9 rather than six. At six when I take the other things, I simply put them back in the minder and take them at 9. I think it has helped. So, I'll be doing that for a while. The melatonin is supposed to be taken early but I always wake up before the alarm at 6:30 anyway so I don't think it matters much. Although, this morning, I woke up only when the alarm went off and I wasn't as exhausted.
Mike came home last night. I went to lunch with him today. He stayed up all night and is exhausted. He said he didn't get up yesterday until very late and couldn't go to sleep. He will go to bed very early tonight but I don't know if he is going to make it until then. I am supposed to pick him up at 5 and take him to my house. I don't know why. He wants to try and get his computer running. I do too! He won't need to have me run him around after work so much.
I took Sarah to church last night. She is just a pistol, let me tell you. She started talking in the car and didn't stop all night. She has so much to say. On the way home she told me she used to be a brown bird and could fly. I told her that I'd like to see that. She said the next time she was a brown bird I could watch her. She was also once a mountain climber. I have no idea where that came from but I had just told her that when I was 4 I loved to climb trees. LOL, it is true, ask my aunt. I am hoping Sarah won't take that after me.
I will stop for now. I am at work and just came back from lunch. I may be back later tonight. But my plan is to work on catching up on sleep to see if this pain gets better. The pain in my back around that spot come back last night and it was pretty bad for a while. It still hurts today, just not as much. But I've learned anything I push, pull, or lift is going to cause me a lot of trouble.
Toodles for now.
Friday, August 20, 2010
End In Sight
It is almost here! Another week of work will be done in a couple of hours. What a horrible week it has been. I've just not had a day since last Friday! I'm hoping this weekend is better. Two and a half hours and I'm out of here.
I didn't cut the yard last night. I just didn't want to mess with it. So, I still have to get it done. The good news is Dave may have sold that other car! I'm so thrilled by that. The guy tried to . . . well that term is politically incorrect but much more colorful. . . negotiate him down on the price but my big old salesman stood firm and got his asking price. The guy will pick it up tonight. The money is MINE since I bought the Nissan. Not much money but $400 is pretty a good deal for that car. It needs work and Dave was up front about it. I'm thinking he knew that the motors in Geo's are very good and thought he'd get it for nearly nothing. We had another buyer if this one fell through. Becca's mom was going to buy it when they come down in September but I really need the money now. Have to pay for that service call on the a/c!
I thought about it today. Did you know you can get so tired of being sad. And if something can't be changed there isn't much you can do to fix it. I know, everyone says find something to do. I have lots I could do if I could find a way to get my head around it and didn't have to come back to reality. But I have no desire to really DO anything. I don't care if I go anywhere or not. I don't read anymore. I can hardly write most days except to blog. I don't care for television and only watch HULU when a show I like is out... maybe six a week? And when that is done, I go to bed. I get up and go to work. On the weekend, I sometimes sit on the sofa all day and read blogs and other sites. I pick up around the house, do dishes when it suits me or when I can't stand them anymore ( I don't have a dishwasher), and I do my laundry at the end of the week while I'm sitting on the sofa. I don't call people. I managed to get to church about three or four times a month if I'm not in pain.
I've lost a file at work and I've looked everywhere. I do not understand how it could just disappear. I know where it was and there is no reason for it not to be there. I've looked all over the building and so have my co-workers. It has just evaporated. Now I have to call the client in and get the paperwork all over again. And she is crazy... seriously crazy. No one wants to deal with her and she will raise Cain about this. I don't want to lie to her but I also don't want to tell her the file is 'lost'. She's mentally ill and gives us enough grief about stupid things. What will happen is I'll get all the documents all over again and the day I finish it, someone will walk in and say "Look what I found."
I've prayed for it to be found. God is the finder of lost things and I've always prayed that way about such things. So, I'm giving it two weeks and will see what happens. If it is in this building it will show up. If it isn't, the we have a more serious problem.
I saw my videos of Sarah were very dark and I don't know why. The room was dark but I must have had the setting too low for the lighting. Glad you all liked them.
So, the weekend of sitting around begins soon and I still have work. I'll sign off for now.
I didn't cut the yard last night. I just didn't want to mess with it. So, I still have to get it done. The good news is Dave may have sold that other car! I'm so thrilled by that. The guy tried to . . . well that term is politically incorrect but much more colorful. . . negotiate him down on the price but my big old salesman stood firm and got his asking price. The guy will pick it up tonight. The money is MINE since I bought the Nissan. Not much money but $400 is pretty a good deal for that car. It needs work and Dave was up front about it. I'm thinking he knew that the motors in Geo's are very good and thought he'd get it for nearly nothing. We had another buyer if this one fell through. Becca's mom was going to buy it when they come down in September but I really need the money now. Have to pay for that service call on the a/c!
I thought about it today. Did you know you can get so tired of being sad. And if something can't be changed there isn't much you can do to fix it. I know, everyone says find something to do. I have lots I could do if I could find a way to get my head around it and didn't have to come back to reality. But I have no desire to really DO anything. I don't care if I go anywhere or not. I don't read anymore. I can hardly write most days except to blog. I don't care for television and only watch HULU when a show I like is out... maybe six a week? And when that is done, I go to bed. I get up and go to work. On the weekend, I sometimes sit on the sofa all day and read blogs and other sites. I pick up around the house, do dishes when it suits me or when I can't stand them anymore ( I don't have a dishwasher), and I do my laundry at the end of the week while I'm sitting on the sofa. I don't call people. I managed to get to church about three or four times a month if I'm not in pain.
I've lost a file at work and I've looked everywhere. I do not understand how it could just disappear. I know where it was and there is no reason for it not to be there. I've looked all over the building and so have my co-workers. It has just evaporated. Now I have to call the client in and get the paperwork all over again. And she is crazy... seriously crazy. No one wants to deal with her and she will raise Cain about this. I don't want to lie to her but I also don't want to tell her the file is 'lost'. She's mentally ill and gives us enough grief about stupid things. What will happen is I'll get all the documents all over again and the day I finish it, someone will walk in and say "Look what I found."
I've prayed for it to be found. God is the finder of lost things and I've always prayed that way about such things. So, I'm giving it two weeks and will see what happens. If it is in this building it will show up. If it isn't, the we have a more serious problem.
I saw my videos of Sarah were very dark and I don't know why. The room was dark but I must have had the setting too low for the lighting. Glad you all liked them.
So, the weekend of sitting around begins soon and I still have work. I'll sign off for now.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Nearly There!
Weekend is in sight and that's always a good thing. I woke up because my air conditioner didn't sound right. I could hear it running but nothing coming out. I waited 15 minutes and finally turned it off. Then, I waited again and turned it back on. It seems to be running correctly now but I'm going to call the H&AC guy and have it services to see if anything is wrong NOW instead of when it is 10 below.
The last time something went wrong was the year before Jerry died and it was freezing outside. They had to come out in the middle of the night to get it going and then come back the next day to put a part on it. I fear it may be time to replace it and I really don't like it. This one cost $3500 over 10 years ago. They aren't good for more than that usually.
I bought some pretty beads when I was in Cave City, KY at Wal-mart. I stopped there for something and decided to try making one of those beaded watchbands that are so popular. I was going to do it at the hotel in the evening but as you all know, my weekend was less than I had hoped it to be. I figured I'd do it at home.
It has been nearly a week and I haven't touched it. But last night, I turned on a television show and sat and made this watchband and a bracelet to
match. I think it came out quite well and I'm going to get more beads and try my hand at different colors. This one, as you can see, matches my top this morning. Since I wear a lot of blue of these shades it will be nice to have my watch band match. I have three similar bands I bought but they are different colors. This band and the matching bracelet cost me about $8 to make but I paid, I think $10 for the bought ones.
Off to work now. I have a long day ahead. I'm really tired this week. Having problems when I go to bed at night. But that has been ongoing since Jerry died. I no longer think there is a solution. I don't know what it is called... Grief, depression, melancholy, sadness. A rose by any other name.
Hope everyone has a good run to the weekend.
The last time something went wrong was the year before Jerry died and it was freezing outside. They had to come out in the middle of the night to get it going and then come back the next day to put a part on it. I fear it may be time to replace it and I really don't like it. This one cost $3500 over 10 years ago. They aren't good for more than that usually.
I bought some pretty beads when I was in Cave City, KY at Wal-mart. I stopped there for something and decided to try making one of those beaded watchbands that are so popular. I was going to do it at the hotel in the evening but as you all know, my weekend was less than I had hoped it to be. I figured I'd do it at home.
It has been nearly a week and I haven't touched it. But last night, I turned on a television show and sat and made this watchband and a bracelet to
match. I think it came out quite well and I'm going to get more beads and try my hand at different colors. This one, as you can see, matches my top this morning. Since I wear a lot of blue of these shades it will be nice to have my watch band match. I have three similar bands I bought but they are different colors. This band and the matching bracelet cost me about $8 to make but I paid, I think $10 for the bought ones.Off to work now. I have a long day ahead. I'm really tired this week. Having problems when I go to bed at night. But that has been ongoing since Jerry died. I no longer think there is a solution. I don't know what it is called... Grief, depression, melancholy, sadness. A rose by any other name.
Hope everyone has a good run to the weekend.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Village Blacksmith
Got this in my email and had to share. So funny!
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.
And I've worked for those people!
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.
And I've worked for those people!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
My Feet Hurt
Tonight, when I get home, I'm going to put something on my feet and knees. They hurt when I walk on them. I walk as if I'm on eggshells and it feels like something will break if I move very fast. That or I'll be groaning from the pain. Actually, I wore good shoes in the cave and even when I was stranded I had them on. My calves hurt, too, but that is probably from lack of use. I demanded that they carry me up that steep path. The heat dehydrated me and so I am sure the muscle pain was inevitable.
Other things are hurting. Once you realize how very alone you really are it changes things a lot. I'm taking the St. John's Wort regularly, morning and night. I doubt what I feel is depression. It could be but I don't think so. I suspect it is just defeat. It hurts, it is hopeless, and it is hobbling. Like my feet, I can't move forward very well.
I had a weird dream. I was preaching somewhere. LOL, I do NOT preach. I do NOT do public speaking unless forced by my job. But some preacher sitting in the minister's area kept interrupting me. He was very rude. I'd say something and he'd contradict me and started to "preach". I do not remember anything he said. I was beginning to think I'd not be able to get to my point, which was very important, for me if not for the congregation in the dream. I kept having to talk around him. I did finally reached the end with some effort.
His name? I don't know. Never remember seeing him before and he didn't look like anyone I knew. He is that nagging, haranguing voice that won't shut up. He sits in a place of authority but is not in authority. He never talked to me directly. He couldn't get up and stop me either, just pontificate to the audience. And I finished my "sermon" despite him.
I woke up. Time for work.
Other things are hurting. Once you realize how very alone you really are it changes things a lot. I'm taking the St. John's Wort regularly, morning and night. I doubt what I feel is depression. It could be but I don't think so. I suspect it is just defeat. It hurts, it is hopeless, and it is hobbling. Like my feet, I can't move forward very well.
I had a weird dream. I was preaching somewhere. LOL, I do NOT preach. I do NOT do public speaking unless forced by my job. But some preacher sitting in the minister's area kept interrupting me. He was very rude. I'd say something and he'd contradict me and started to "preach". I do not remember anything he said. I was beginning to think I'd not be able to get to my point, which was very important, for me if not for the congregation in the dream. I kept having to talk around him. I did finally reached the end with some effort.
His name? I don't know. Never remember seeing him before and he didn't look like anyone I knew. He is that nagging, haranguing voice that won't shut up. He sits in a place of authority but is not in authority. He never talked to me directly. He couldn't get up and stop me either, just pontificate to the audience. And I finished my "sermon" despite him.
I woke up. Time for work.
Monday, August 16, 2010
New Plans
My aunt and uncle called me today. I will be meeting them in Louisville next month for the quartet convention. My musician uncle is a fan of gospel quartet. I'll meet them Friday night and come home on Sunday. It is only a two hour drive from here so it won't be an exhausting drive. And one hopes the weather will be nicer by then.
I'm getting new tires before I go.
I'm getting new tires before I go.
Monday Sundown
The sun slopes into my living room window right now. I have been reading my email and my dad sent me a nice video that I just watched. I've seen one like it before but had forgotten it. I'm giving you the link here. I wonder when humanity become so afraid of the most basic of human contact that we stopped it. It is a pity and someday, if I get brave enough, I'd like to do this. It is amazing the joy that becomes contagious when people began to participate.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Jiggity Jig
I am home again. I left this morning at 6:30 am. and arrived about 9 a.m. I had awakened about twice during the night and when I woke up at 6 I decided that I'd had enough. I had packed everything the night before and had only to dress, comb my hair, load the car, and drive away. I did just that. I didn't even stop for breakfast anywhere.
Now, I'm tired and just want to sleep. I guess I didn't rest well or something. I have a headache, too. I ate when I got home but I think I'm going to check out the fudge. I tried some last night and it was scrumptious. I'll have a glass of ice cold Coke and some fudge.
I'm really disappointed that the trip turned out so badly. I had wanted to see several things but ended up doing pretty much nothing. And it cost me more. Anyway, maybe later in the year when the leaves are turning would be a good time to go back to see the caves. I also like walking nature trails so that would be much cooler than what I could have done yesterday. I also saw several places I could stay that are much closer to civilization and the sites than where I stayed. The wax museum lady said that Diamond Caverns was far more beautiful than Mammoth. And I'll go back to the Wax Museum.
But I probably won't go alone. It isn't much fun.
Now, I'm tired and just want to sleep. I guess I didn't rest well or something. I have a headache, too. I ate when I got home but I think I'm going to check out the fudge. I tried some last night and it was scrumptious. I'll have a glass of ice cold Coke and some fudge.
Now, I'm tired and just want to sleep. I guess I didn't rest well or something. I have a headache, too. I ate when I got home but I think I'm going to check out the fudge. I tried some last night and it was scrumptious. I'll have a glass of ice cold Coke and some fudge.
I'm really disappointed that the trip turned out so badly. I had wanted to see several things but ended up doing pretty much nothing. And it cost me more. Anyway, maybe later in the year when the leaves are turning would be a good time to go back to see the caves. I also like walking nature trails so that would be much cooler than what I could have done yesterday. I also saw several places I could stay that are much closer to civilization and the sites than where I stayed. The wax museum lady said that Diamond Caverns was far more beautiful than Mammoth. And I'll go back to the Wax Museum.
But I probably won't go alone. It isn't much fun.
Now, I'm tired and just want to sleep. I guess I didn't rest well or something. I have a headache, too. I ate when I got home but I think I'm going to check out the fudge. I tried some last night and it was scrumptious. I'll have a glass of ice cold Coke and some fudge.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Just Keeps Getting Better
I went on the free tour because by the time I got there all the major tours were sold out. Who knew. They sold out while I watched! But it was ok. Half an hour and some photos. I should have brought my camera because Becca's little digital just can't do what film can in low light conditions. But I got photos of the cave. Not much else.
I left there and on the way back stopped at this odd little shopping area. (I'll post photos later.) They had a fudge shop. Yes, I bought a pound. When I got back in my car, it wouldn't start.
The nice fudge man, whose wife worked in the wax museum that I didn't get to go in because my car broke down, jumped me off and pointed me to a station to have it checked. When I got there I gassed up and asked them to check it. I parked and turned it off. That was at 12:41. It never started again. I called all over to find a battery because this place didn't stock one for my car. Everything was closed or didn't have it. Not even Wal-mart. No one had a battery for a 2007 Ford Focus. I was at this station nearly 2 hours. i have a rode service that was supposed to help me. The people on their service list didn't answer the phone. The man at the station called around and finally found one. I paid the station people to tow me to where I could get one. They were cheaper than my deductible.
They towed my car to Glasgow, about 13 miles away to an Autozone that stocked it. By now I've nearly broken into tears half a dozen times and am nearly dead from the 100 degree heat I've been standing in for the better part of two hours. The wonderful guys at Autozone installed the battery and check the system to be sure it was charging. I paid for the battery around 4 p.m.
I stopped back at the Cracker Barrel to eat. I just got in. I'm nasty from dried sweat. My shirt was actual wet during all that mess. I'm going home tomorrow. It has now cost me well over $300 most of that is in auto repair. I've seen a long dark tunnel and a fudge shop and five giant chickens. I have a new battery. I seriously doubt I'll be taking another such trip.
I left there and on the way back stopped at this odd little shopping area. (I'll post photos later.) They had a fudge shop. Yes, I bought a pound. When I got back in my car, it wouldn't start.
The nice fudge man, whose wife worked in the wax museum that I didn't get to go in because my car broke down, jumped me off and pointed me to a station to have it checked. When I got there I gassed up and asked them to check it. I parked and turned it off. That was at 12:41. It never started again. I called all over to find a battery because this place didn't stock one for my car. Everything was closed or didn't have it. Not even Wal-mart. No one had a battery for a 2007 Ford Focus. I was at this station nearly 2 hours. i have a rode service that was supposed to help me. The people on their service list didn't answer the phone. The man at the station called around and finally found one. I paid the station people to tow me to where I could get one. They were cheaper than my deductible.
They towed my car to Glasgow, about 13 miles away to an Autozone that stocked it. By now I've nearly broken into tears half a dozen times and am nearly dead from the 100 degree heat I've been standing in for the better part of two hours. The wonderful guys at Autozone installed the battery and check the system to be sure it was charging. I paid for the battery around 4 p.m.
I stopped back at the Cracker Barrel to eat. I just got in. I'm nasty from dried sweat. My shirt was actual wet during all that mess. I'm going home tomorrow. It has now cost me well over $300 most of that is in auto repair. I've seen a long dark tunnel and a fudge shop and five giant chickens. I have a new battery. I seriously doubt I'll be taking another such trip.
Hi Ho, Off to Explore We Go
Why is it that no matter cheap the hotel, the beds are usually very comfortable. I've stayed in a lot of hotels and never once have I slept on an uncomfortable bed! And this one is king-sized. I had a lot of good pillows too. I have a hard time finding a pillow that I can sleep on because of my neck. I forgot to bring mine but there are five on this bed and two were perfect for me. I don't have a neck ache this morning.
I fixed a coup of coffee and now I'm going to find food. Then I have to decide which cave to visit! They are everywhere. Cost is anywhere from $5 to $50 depending on the tour of Mammoth. There are about a dozen tours of Mammoth alone! Depending on how long you want and how difficult. The "Wild" tour is the most expensive. Won't be doing that. But I'd like to do the historic tour. It is two hours but there are stairs and it said "moderate" in the difficult column.
Yes, Riete, the hotel had this nice packet with all kinds of brochures and coupons. Some other commercial caves have discount coupons for them. They call this Cave Country. Karst topography, which I'm sure Riete knows about, causes the caves you find here. This is where underground water sources have carved out great caverns. Mammoth is 365 miles of cave. That's just one cave in this area. I am going to drive through the park as well, if I can. They have camp grounds and hiking trails, which I will not explore in the horrible heat we have.
Nina, I'm 100 miles from Nashville. If I do this again, you can plan to join me! At the rate I'm going, I'm going to have a very large party if I do this again. Two ladies I work with said if they'd known I was coming, they'd have come with me. LOL, wonder if I could get a hotel discount with a group? All together, I don't think this is a very expensive getaway. I'm going to probably come out spending less than $300. The hotel, while not plush, is serviceable. I would bring Lysol to kill the musty odor of seldom used rooms if I stayed here again. This room is usually about $80 a night but the double room was less because there was only one of me. $55 was what they were charging me. LOL, so, deluxe room for $55 a night? I'm good with it. And again, they went out of their way to put me somewhere else.
I'm going to have to remember photos. I keep forgetting but last night I was not doing well at all. This is an emotional roller coaster and I'm not happy with it.
Off to breakfast now. Back later with news!
I fixed a coup of coffee and now I'm going to find food. Then I have to decide which cave to visit! They are everywhere. Cost is anywhere from $5 to $50 depending on the tour of Mammoth. There are about a dozen tours of Mammoth alone! Depending on how long you want and how difficult. The "Wild" tour is the most expensive. Won't be doing that. But I'd like to do the historic tour. It is two hours but there are stairs and it said "moderate" in the difficult column.
Yes, Riete, the hotel had this nice packet with all kinds of brochures and coupons. Some other commercial caves have discount coupons for them. They call this Cave Country. Karst topography, which I'm sure Riete knows about, causes the caves you find here. This is where underground water sources have carved out great caverns. Mammoth is 365 miles of cave. That's just one cave in this area. I am going to drive through the park as well, if I can. They have camp grounds and hiking trails, which I will not explore in the horrible heat we have.
Nina, I'm 100 miles from Nashville. If I do this again, you can plan to join me! At the rate I'm going, I'm going to have a very large party if I do this again. Two ladies I work with said if they'd known I was coming, they'd have come with me. LOL, wonder if I could get a hotel discount with a group? All together, I don't think this is a very expensive getaway. I'm going to probably come out spending less than $300. The hotel, while not plush, is serviceable. I would bring Lysol to kill the musty odor of seldom used rooms if I stayed here again. This room is usually about $80 a night but the double room was less because there was only one of me. $55 was what they were charging me. LOL, so, deluxe room for $55 a night? I'm good with it. And again, they went out of their way to put me somewhere else.
I'm going to have to remember photos. I keep forgetting but last night I was not doing well at all. This is an emotional roller coaster and I'm not happy with it.
Off to breakfast now. Back later with news!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Bad Starts and Stops
I left home around 3:30 this afternoon and drove down to Horse Cave, Ky. It was an uneventful journey and since my cell phone seems to not be working it is a good thing. I don't know why it says I have no service but it does. I'm right on the interstate and there are towers all over. There's no reason.
I arrived at the hotel around 6:30, about when I thought I would. I got lost on the way. Mapquest had routed me the shortest distance and somewhere I missed a turn. I was off the interstate by then and this was a country road. It was long, rural and I got upset. I've been able to go all over the world with no help. I can't find my way around 2 hours from home? I stopped when I eventually found a small burg grocery and asked a lady with a bag of bread for directions. I was minutes from the interstate and half an hour from my destination.
I found my hotel with no trouble. It was cheap but not plush. And the room they gave me had a view of the brick side wall of the room opposite. It was hot. I decided to go get something to eat and find Wal-mart to see about a phone card while it cooled down. I drove about 20 miles to get there. Along the way I found giant chickens standing next to the road. Oh, about eight foot tall... yes, and I'll probably go back and get photos.
Once back at my hotel the room was even hotter. I called the desk clerk and told him I couldn't stay in that room. The air had been running for three hours. I got so hot I thought I was going to be sick. My car was cooler turned off than that room. He was going to change the air conditioner unit out and I told him it was late and I couldn't stay there on the chance that the next unit would work and if it didn't it would be even later. Then, he basically begged me to let him move me to another room. He did, a much larger room, downstairs room and he put a fan in the room to cool it down faster. It took about half an hour but the new room cooled down and I was able to turn off the fan. It is a king-sized bed, jacuzzi tub, shower, and sofa. I have free Wifi, too. This room lets for about $30 more but I have it at the cheaper rate because of the problems. My view is of the truck stop... if I open the curtains. But it is way cooler.
I've sat here for hours watching television and I have no idea what I was thinking to take this trip. I'm going to bed now and maybe when I get up things will be a bit more clear. At the moment, I'd rather be home, sleeping in my own bed. I don't know how I'll sleep since I don't have my cd player and can't put on my cd to go to sleep but the air conditioner is loud so maybe that will help.
I"m going for now.
I arrived at the hotel around 6:30, about when I thought I would. I got lost on the way. Mapquest had routed me the shortest distance and somewhere I missed a turn. I was off the interstate by then and this was a country road. It was long, rural and I got upset. I've been able to go all over the world with no help. I can't find my way around 2 hours from home? I stopped when I eventually found a small burg grocery and asked a lady with a bag of bread for directions. I was minutes from the interstate and half an hour from my destination.
I found my hotel with no trouble. It was cheap but not plush. And the room they gave me had a view of the brick side wall of the room opposite. It was hot. I decided to go get something to eat and find Wal-mart to see about a phone card while it cooled down. I drove about 20 miles to get there. Along the way I found giant chickens standing next to the road. Oh, about eight foot tall... yes, and I'll probably go back and get photos.
Once back at my hotel the room was even hotter. I called the desk clerk and told him I couldn't stay in that room. The air had been running for three hours. I got so hot I thought I was going to be sick. My car was cooler turned off than that room. He was going to change the air conditioner unit out and I told him it was late and I couldn't stay there on the chance that the next unit would work and if it didn't it would be even later. Then, he basically begged me to let him move me to another room. He did, a much larger room, downstairs room and he put a fan in the room to cool it down faster. It took about half an hour but the new room cooled down and I was able to turn off the fan. It is a king-sized bed, jacuzzi tub, shower, and sofa. I have free Wifi, too. This room lets for about $30 more but I have it at the cheaper rate because of the problems. My view is of the truck stop... if I open the curtains. But it is way cooler.
I've sat here for hours watching television and I have no idea what I was thinking to take this trip. I'm going to bed now and maybe when I get up things will be a bit more clear. At the moment, I'd rather be home, sleeping in my own bed. I don't know how I'll sleep since I don't have my cd player and can't put on my cd to go to sleep but the air conditioner is loud so maybe that will help.
I"m going for now.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Ponderings
I'm home tonight, alone. I've just watched two SciFi t.v. shows that like. A writer's meeting was scheduled for tonight but everyone cried off. I suspect, as with all things, the Writer's Asylum is closing. It's o.k. I've felt it for a while. I still like my friends but their lives have become so hectic and no one is able to meet on the same night anymore. Tonight, only Doug and I would have been here and we both said there were things we had to do. I had an appointment to help Dave get a car.
Doug and I met last night at the Midwest Writers Guild meeting and talked a bit afterward at Barnes & Nobel. I think I mentioned before that next September the MWG is hosting a writer's conference here. Sept 30-Oct 1. Doug is telling me to get one of my novels done so I can maybe pitch it to an agent. That gives me a year. Maybe he's right. We'll see. I am looking forward to the conference. I've never been to one and this is sounding really good. It will be local at the Marriott on Hwy 41, probably 2 miles from my house. We'll see.
I've sat here tonight in a bit of a funk. I'm not depressed. Not really. I'm pretty empty at the moment. I don't know what I feel. Life isn't much fun. I don't know exactly what it is all about.
I've been reading these grief books a little every day since I can't seem to read a whole book anymore. I mentioned once that everyone gives them to you when someone dies. They're all full of fluff about holding on, going with the flow, keeping your chin up, looking up, looking at the positive. The truth is they don't really know which end is up. Everyone on the planet is affected differently. I'm sure they've all been very helpful in some ways. The ones I got in the mail quarterly were probably the most helpful of all in that the let you know that what you were experiencing was "normal" and you weren't actually going crazy even though you thought you were. But there is nothing in the books to tell you how to live. I think they think they do.
I can't tell you either. I'm here, now, and I've read them. I've listened to all the people who think they know. No one has a flipping clue. Breath in, breath out, eat, sleep, work. One foot in front of the other. Mark another day off the calendar. Scream, kick, pound the floor, sob until you can't breath. Then start over. Gradually, the intensity lessens but the horror, the pain, the torturous memories do not go away simply because you decide to look at the world through rose colored glasses and smile sweetly and say oh my do you remember.... If that works for you, peachy. No, you simply lock the trunk in the attic and close the doors to your mind and hope to God no one goes in there. You do stop beating yourself up. You learn to live with all the blame, or guilt, or remorse, or whatever your poison is. Not because you want to. But because you don't know how to do anything else. You look at photos on the wall and ask "When are you coming home?" And you mean it.
You end up sitting in your living room in a funk, not knowing what life is all about and why you're here. And you're not sure if you really care. What's the real point. I'm not sure there is one.
I'm trying to discover what I really want. We've all sat around and said, "If I had the money I'd. . . ." "If I had the time I'd . . ." No you wouldn't. Because it doesn't matter. Not really. It is meaningless. The smiles across the table, the shared joke, the hand squeeze, the backward hug at the kitchen sink, the back rub when you're tired. That's what's important. Not the new car, the big screen t.v., the latest gadget. We were never into that stuff much, mostly because there wasn't enough money. But we'd much rather take a day trip to the mountains, a picnic to the park, a camping trip to the forest, a holiday with family. It is the only thing you're going to have left at the end of the day. Leave behind all the fancy homes, expensive cars, electronics, and huge bank accounts. You missed it. They will be gone in a generation and no one will remember who they belonged to.... well they won't belong to you anymore and you will be forgotten. Ah, but remember that camping trip where the tent flooded.
I bought David's car tonight. I could have let it go, told him to figure it out. It wasn't much. A used car, less than 2000. His car needs more repair than it is worth. So, I cleaned out my savings account for the last time. It is only money. When I'm dead they will spend it. So why not now when I can see the benefits. I came home and felt strangely empty. As if I had sprung a leak and everything has poured out of me and there was nothing left. And I realized that it doesn't really matter. Life, my life and Jerry's life had never been measured by what we owned or had in the bank. Neither Jerry or I cared about those things. We gave to our church, not just our tithes but offerings because we wanted to help buy pews, build a new building, lay a parking lot. We loved our church and we loved God and wanted to do something. We gave to our children when we should have said grow up and go to work. Because we'd struggled and remembered the bad debts, bad checks, low wages, nearly empty larder. What were we going to do with it anyway? When you're dead you can't spend it. Someone will. Maybe that is how he was thinking that last year. I don't know.
"When are you coming home?"
Doug and I met last night at the Midwest Writers Guild meeting and talked a bit afterward at Barnes & Nobel. I think I mentioned before that next September the MWG is hosting a writer's conference here. Sept 30-Oct 1. Doug is telling me to get one of my novels done so I can maybe pitch it to an agent. That gives me a year. Maybe he's right. We'll see. I am looking forward to the conference. I've never been to one and this is sounding really good. It will be local at the Marriott on Hwy 41, probably 2 miles from my house. We'll see.
I've sat here tonight in a bit of a funk. I'm not depressed. Not really. I'm pretty empty at the moment. I don't know what I feel. Life isn't much fun. I don't know exactly what it is all about.
I've been reading these grief books a little every day since I can't seem to read a whole book anymore. I mentioned once that everyone gives them to you when someone dies. They're all full of fluff about holding on, going with the flow, keeping your chin up, looking up, looking at the positive. The truth is they don't really know which end is up. Everyone on the planet is affected differently. I'm sure they've all been very helpful in some ways. The ones I got in the mail quarterly were probably the most helpful of all in that the let you know that what you were experiencing was "normal" and you weren't actually going crazy even though you thought you were. But there is nothing in the books to tell you how to live. I think they think they do.
I can't tell you either. I'm here, now, and I've read them. I've listened to all the people who think they know. No one has a flipping clue. Breath in, breath out, eat, sleep, work. One foot in front of the other. Mark another day off the calendar. Scream, kick, pound the floor, sob until you can't breath. Then start over. Gradually, the intensity lessens but the horror, the pain, the torturous memories do not go away simply because you decide to look at the world through rose colored glasses and smile sweetly and say oh my do you remember.... If that works for you, peachy. No, you simply lock the trunk in the attic and close the doors to your mind and hope to God no one goes in there. You do stop beating yourself up. You learn to live with all the blame, or guilt, or remorse, or whatever your poison is. Not because you want to. But because you don't know how to do anything else. You look at photos on the wall and ask "When are you coming home?" And you mean it.
You end up sitting in your living room in a funk, not knowing what life is all about and why you're here. And you're not sure if you really care. What's the real point. I'm not sure there is one.
I'm trying to discover what I really want. We've all sat around and said, "If I had the money I'd. . . ." "If I had the time I'd . . ." No you wouldn't. Because it doesn't matter. Not really. It is meaningless. The smiles across the table, the shared joke, the hand squeeze, the backward hug at the kitchen sink, the back rub when you're tired. That's what's important. Not the new car, the big screen t.v., the latest gadget. We were never into that stuff much, mostly because there wasn't enough money. But we'd much rather take a day trip to the mountains, a picnic to the park, a camping trip to the forest, a holiday with family. It is the only thing you're going to have left at the end of the day. Leave behind all the fancy homes, expensive cars, electronics, and huge bank accounts. You missed it. They will be gone in a generation and no one will remember who they belonged to.... well they won't belong to you anymore and you will be forgotten. Ah, but remember that camping trip where the tent flooded.
I bought David's car tonight. I could have let it go, told him to figure it out. It wasn't much. A used car, less than 2000. His car needs more repair than it is worth. So, I cleaned out my savings account for the last time. It is only money. When I'm dead they will spend it. So why not now when I can see the benefits. I came home and felt strangely empty. As if I had sprung a leak and everything has poured out of me and there was nothing left. And I realized that it doesn't really matter. Life, my life and Jerry's life had never been measured by what we owned or had in the bank. Neither Jerry or I cared about those things. We gave to our church, not just our tithes but offerings because we wanted to help buy pews, build a new building, lay a parking lot. We loved our church and we loved God and wanted to do something. We gave to our children when we should have said grow up and go to work. Because we'd struggled and remembered the bad debts, bad checks, low wages, nearly empty larder. What were we going to do with it anyway? When you're dead you can't spend it. Someone will. Maybe that is how he was thinking that last year. I don't know.
"When are you coming home?"
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Just for Fun
| Your Home is Lively |
 You are likely to have water boiling for tea or a fire burning in the fireplace. You live in every area of your home, and you really savor your time there. You could never feel at home in an empty or quiet house. A home should be enjoyed to the fullest. |
Monday, August 9, 2010
Another Week Ahead
I didn't really want to get up today. I wanted to lie in bed with my shoulders and hands hurting. I helped Mike in the yard on Saturday and I moved some stones out of the yard. They're landscape kind of stones, heavy and awkward to move. They have lined the drive and flower beds for 20 years, being moved as the need arose. I'm done. I'm not moving them anymore. I'm getting rid of them. My friend at work asked me if she could have some and I said all you want.
Mike went to Connie's to meet her folks. She said she is going to teach Mike to sign. Her parents are totally deaf and it is their only way to communicate. It will be good for Mike to learn to sign. We thought about it when he was young but with all the other learning problems and no way to get help with the hearing issue we never did it. It might have helped him if we had done it.
He seems so happy and relaxed around her. Very quiet and calm but she seems to be a quiet person. I have several concerns. Mike's not just hearing impaired, he's learning disabled. He had very real issues with it. My biggest concern is Connie has never been to church in her life. Well, think about it. Her parents were totally deaf. If there is no ministry to reach out to them, they wouldn't understand anyway. Mike's whole life has been filled with it. I do not want him to lose that. I don't think she'd deliberately keep him out but it is easy to fall away. We really like her a lot and it is always good to see Mike happy.
Of course, Dave, Becca and I are all walking on eggshells in fear he will be hurt again. Dave, who is very macho and never shows any concern seems to be worried about it this time. But then that last crazy person really did a number on all of us. I don't really think I can handle that anymore. I'm tired of seeing him hurt and I keep asking how much someone like Mike has to suffer before something good happens to them.
I'm really tired this morning. And wishing I had the time to take off. If all goes well, I will try again to go somewhere for the weekend. I really wanted to go this weekend but I felt like I should stay home and see how Mike was doing and learn something about this woman he's seeing. I'm glad I did.
As I said, we like her a lot and I do think she is a very grounded and positive person. She divorced her husband after 18 years of marriage. He had an affair with his boss. She told me that she would have tried to work it out but he said he was bored with her. They have three daughters and he doesn't bother to see the two youngest. The oldest one has gone to live with Connie's parents because she's angry with her mother for divorcing her dad. Mike told me yesterday that as a result of the affair, the guy lost his job and was now employed at Wal-mart (for those who don't know a huge discount department store in the US -- low prices, low wages). I guess what goes around comes around. Connie got the house and car.
So, my plan is to try for this coming week. I really want to find a good hotel and relax. I've told Kat to think about coming down one weekend and we can do something together or just sit around an talk. Maybe when it cools off some. The patio is nice then. And my other friend here, Just Cassandra (who is only about two or three hours from me) and I are planning to meet in Vincennes once the weather cools a bit. Too hot to sight see at this point. I've never been to Vincennes so don't know what there is to do there. Nina is around Nashville. I should try and pop down there, too. She mentioned it. It is only about three hours to Nashville from here. I know nothing about Nashville but I suspect she could point me to something interesting. And a good hotel. You know that is the hardest part. Some places are nasty and smelly. But you don't know till you get there. Some are in really bad areas but if you don't know the area you won't know it's dangerous.
So, I got some places to run away to and friends there to meet. If they keep the invites open. And if I get really adventurous, Grammy and Nancy are the next distant. And of course, I am still planning to go to England next year. I've told everyone that is my treat to myself. Over there is Jilly, Cass, Katey, and Wendy! I hope I didn't leave anyone out? These are the ones who've issued invitations.
I got to meet Lisa and Cheryl earlier in the summer and that was so nice. We had a nice picnic in the park and got to visit. Both are fairly close by. I should make plans to visit them, too. I love the fall and spring because that is the best time to do weekend trips. I just have used up so much of my vacation and all my sick time. I've got to stop getting sick!
Did I mention I spent Sunday afternoon at Doug's house. He invited me on Friday and I said I'd go. So that got me out for a few hours, too. This is the second time I've had a chance to talk with Sharon and she is just so sweet. Both of them are just so very nice to me. Doug has been a really good friend this past year and a half, going to lunch now and then and having him as a part of the writer's group, letting me use him as a sounding board for my story knots, emailing to check on me. So it was really nice to sit and talk with both of them about the writing and what had been going on with all of us. I really enjoyed it.
I've spent most of the day writing this in hit or miss fashion. It is rather long but is the summation of the weekend. I got to bed about midnight.
Oh, my mother fell and has a severe head injury. They've put her in the hospital but I don't know how bad it really is. Apparently, bleeding on the brain. She is always falling you may recall if you have been reading the blog long. This appears to have been at church and she may have hit her head on the pew. I'm just not sure at this point. Keep her in your prayers. I think my sister, Stuck in the Middle, has posted it on her blog, too.
Hope you all have a good week. I'll be around here somewhere.
Mike went to Connie's to meet her folks. She said she is going to teach Mike to sign. Her parents are totally deaf and it is their only way to communicate. It will be good for Mike to learn to sign. We thought about it when he was young but with all the other learning problems and no way to get help with the hearing issue we never did it. It might have helped him if we had done it.
He seems so happy and relaxed around her. Very quiet and calm but she seems to be a quiet person. I have several concerns. Mike's not just hearing impaired, he's learning disabled. He had very real issues with it. My biggest concern is Connie has never been to church in her life. Well, think about it. Her parents were totally deaf. If there is no ministry to reach out to them, they wouldn't understand anyway. Mike's whole life has been filled with it. I do not want him to lose that. I don't think she'd deliberately keep him out but it is easy to fall away. We really like her a lot and it is always good to see Mike happy.
Of course, Dave, Becca and I are all walking on eggshells in fear he will be hurt again. Dave, who is very macho and never shows any concern seems to be worried about it this time. But then that last crazy person really did a number on all of us. I don't really think I can handle that anymore. I'm tired of seeing him hurt and I keep asking how much someone like Mike has to suffer before something good happens to them.
I'm really tired this morning. And wishing I had the time to take off. If all goes well, I will try again to go somewhere for the weekend. I really wanted to go this weekend but I felt like I should stay home and see how Mike was doing and learn something about this woman he's seeing. I'm glad I did.
As I said, we like her a lot and I do think she is a very grounded and positive person. She divorced her husband after 18 years of marriage. He had an affair with his boss. She told me that she would have tried to work it out but he said he was bored with her. They have three daughters and he doesn't bother to see the two youngest. The oldest one has gone to live with Connie's parents because she's angry with her mother for divorcing her dad. Mike told me yesterday that as a result of the affair, the guy lost his job and was now employed at Wal-mart (for those who don't know a huge discount department store in the US -- low prices, low wages). I guess what goes around comes around. Connie got the house and car.
So, my plan is to try for this coming week. I really want to find a good hotel and relax. I've told Kat to think about coming down one weekend and we can do something together or just sit around an talk. Maybe when it cools off some. The patio is nice then. And my other friend here, Just Cassandra (who is only about two or three hours from me) and I are planning to meet in Vincennes once the weather cools a bit. Too hot to sight see at this point. I've never been to Vincennes so don't know what there is to do there. Nina is around Nashville. I should try and pop down there, too. She mentioned it. It is only about three hours to Nashville from here. I know nothing about Nashville but I suspect she could point me to something interesting. And a good hotel. You know that is the hardest part. Some places are nasty and smelly. But you don't know till you get there. Some are in really bad areas but if you don't know the area you won't know it's dangerous.
So, I got some places to run away to and friends there to meet. If they keep the invites open. And if I get really adventurous, Grammy and Nancy are the next distant. And of course, I am still planning to go to England next year. I've told everyone that is my treat to myself. Over there is Jilly, Cass, Katey, and Wendy! I hope I didn't leave anyone out? These are the ones who've issued invitations.
I got to meet Lisa and Cheryl earlier in the summer and that was so nice. We had a nice picnic in the park and got to visit. Both are fairly close by. I should make plans to visit them, too. I love the fall and spring because that is the best time to do weekend trips. I just have used up so much of my vacation and all my sick time. I've got to stop getting sick!
Did I mention I spent Sunday afternoon at Doug's house. He invited me on Friday and I said I'd go. So that got me out for a few hours, too. This is the second time I've had a chance to talk with Sharon and she is just so sweet. Both of them are just so very nice to me. Doug has been a really good friend this past year and a half, going to lunch now and then and having him as a part of the writer's group, letting me use him as a sounding board for my story knots, emailing to check on me. So it was really nice to sit and talk with both of them about the writing and what had been going on with all of us. I really enjoyed it.
I've spent most of the day writing this in hit or miss fashion. It is rather long but is the summation of the weekend. I got to bed about midnight.
Oh, my mother fell and has a severe head injury. They've put her in the hospital but I don't know how bad it really is. Apparently, bleeding on the brain. She is always falling you may recall if you have been reading the blog long. This appears to have been at church and she may have hit her head on the pew. I'm just not sure at this point. Keep her in your prayers. I think my sister, Stuck in the Middle, has posted it on her blog, too.
Hope you all have a good week. I'll be around here somewhere.
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