Tuesday ... Just Tuesday

Only have minutes to do this so I'll dash off what I can. I went to the Y last night. Got home around 8:30 or 9 and watch a couple t.v. shows...while half asleep. I tried to write, do some research on the story I am working on, tried to read email, tried to read. Brain just gave up and left me there confused. After the last show, I decided to turn out the light.

I still have to turn on some sort of noise because when the lights go out my personal theater turns on and all the horrible past rushes at me in force. I do not know if I will ever be free of it. I have the problem during waking hours but I try and keep my mind busy with very little down time. Probably why I'm exhausted most of the time. But the night, I can't control. So, I fill them with some kind of sound. This week it is classical guitar music and turned very low. It works well. I've used Spanish, classical piano, and classical orchestra. All seem to work well.

I woke this morning when the clock went off but just lay in bed for another ten minutes. I've had coffee and now I'm going to dash off because I want to stop at McDonald's to get breakfast. I don't have time to fix it here this morning. I have to get some more breakfast food too. I'm tired of the same old stuff here and sugary foods in the a.m. bother me. Truth is, if I'd get up another 20 minutes earlier I could fix a good breakfast. I've done it. Maybe when I start waking up again I will. LOL

I'm hoping for sun today. My back hurts this morning but now sure if I slept wrong or did something at the Y. Could be both.

Hope everyone of you has a beautiful sunny day. Send some my way.

(Picking up my bags, I grab the nearest dwarf. "Come along, Dopey. They'll leave us if we don't get moving. It's a long way to the mines and I'm not up to the walk this morning. HEY! Grumpy, get the lead out!")

Another Grey Monday

I'm about to head out for the mines. It is gloomy and raining... still. I slept for hours yesterday after church. I woke just in time to get dressed and go back for the evening service. I slept hard. When I woke up it took several minutes to get to the point I could actually function. My brain was just a fog. I must have been really tired.

I had taken my meds before I left and they kicked in about the middle of church. It got very warm in the sanctuary and I got sleepy. But still, when I got home last night I was concerned I'd not be able to get back to sleep because I'd had that hard nap. No problem. I chatted with Kat a bit and went to bed. For a minute I lay looking at the ceiling and realized the problem was the silence. It never used to bother me much but it drives me insane now. I hear other things, see other things lying in the dark in the silence. I turned on the cd player and after a few minutes I was out. But this morning I'm still tired.

Well, no rest for the weary so it is off to work I go. I have the Y tonight and I have to get some serious writing in. Time Simon got down to business in his real story.He's talking again and that's good. Before I went to sleep I heard a bit of it. LOL.

Later!

{dashes out, grabbing bags} "WAIT, DOC!"

Sunday Morning with a Laughs

Oh boy, I needed this. My dad sent it in an email. Anyone who's ever has surgery will really enjoy it. LOL and some of these guys are easy on the eyes!




And my favorite song is......

Friday Fun

Finally Friday! The sun is shinning but I'm stuck beneath the tower and won't actually see much until noon. I hope it stick around until I get off work.

I was randomly cruising and ran across something cool. Watch this video. I don't know why we can't have stairs like this everywhere!

Gold In the Trees

Sunshine!?? Yes, it is! Amazing.

I have a headache. Had an odd one yesterday and today, another that is probably a migraine. My BP was up when I got up, I'm sure. I'll take it again before I leave. I have an appt with the doctor this afternoon so I'll mention this to him. I do not think the meds they give me work really well at times. But when pain is higher, so is the BP so I don't know if it would make a difference.

The dwarfs are calling! COMING! Keep your shirts one!
{grabbing bags, jacket and dashing off}

Hi ho, Hi ho
It's off to work we go
(whistles)
Hi ho, Hi ho, Hi ho............................................

Buy Buy American Pie

Got this in my email. LOVE IT!

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

I've just read all the comments to several posts. You are all so funny at times. I've provided humor and that's comforting.And you made me laugh, particularly Jilly and Cass! Must put on my list to ship Reese Cups to England. Every civilized nation should have them! And Cass, I can send a nice hairpiece if you need it. You know, I've known so many people who had curly hair after chemotherapy! But all their hair came out. Sounds as if you just had a tonsure thing going on.

Several of you mentioned my dream/sleep issues. Actually, I DO have a sleep disorder. Have for about two decades. Treated for it. Disrupted sleep patterns caused by a child who never slept. I got would clench my teeth at night and resulted in TMJ. Had to sleep with a splint for a couple of years. When I had some dental work done a few years ago much of that problem disappeared. I don't clench much anymore.

But NOT dreaming would be a bigger concern in a sleep disorder. If you aren't dreaming, you are not getting the right kind of sleep. Dreaming is actually good for you as it allows the mind to decompress from stresses. This may often manifest as nightmares.

When I do dream I always have vivid dreams... in color. Or at least I remember colors when I wake up. I used to dream long elaborate dreams that I tried writing down whenever possible. With the increase in my pain problems, there was a marked decrease in restful sleep and dreaming virtually stopped. Or I didn't remember them at all. It was more likely the former since I was not getting REM sleep, which is where dreams happen.

I used do something at times... well, when I dreamed . . . called lucid dreaming. Didn't know that is what it was called for years. My dad told me about it. You basically know in the dream that you are dreaming and can control the dream. Years ago he told me he likes to skydive and so if he dreams about falling, he changes it to skydiving! I tired it a few times in a different kind of dream and it worked. It isn't easy to do. Not sure I could do it again. Been years since I tried. You have to have a cue when you dream to signal that you're dreaming. There are articles on it out there if you're interested.

Since October of 2008 I started dreaming again after a cervical block in my neck helped my pain... gradually building up to my old pattern of elaborate dreams... in color. In the last several months the dreams have been frequent... and I like that. It was always normal for me. But last night's was a doozy. If you think about it there wasn't a whole lot in what I said to sound frightening. However, the view from the plane, which I didn't describe, was a country devastated by war or something. I knew we were at risk of being shot down. The feeling of something important happening was clear.

I suspect the nightmares are simply a result of the stress I'm under in my personal life and at my job. I do have dreams that are neither scary or interesting. They are usually nonsense. However, I'm am also firm believer in prophetic dreams and that dreams often have an interpretation. And, as I've mentioned before, I used to have dreams that happen fairly often. I'd just as soon not.

So, I doubt a sleep study will tell me anymore than I know now... I don't generally sleep well due to pain but when I do sleep well, I dream -- a good sign to me. Even nightmares serve a purpose.


Have a good night, everyone!

But it won't tell me what the dreams mean... unless it is beans. And I can usually figure that one out.

It is bed time now. I went to the Y tonight for the hydrobics class. It is always good but exhausting. Sarah and Becca went. We almost couldn't get Sarah out of the water. She loves it. But her lips were purple and she was shivering.

My writing friends, Sarah and Kathy, showed up and stopped to say hello. So sweet of them. I am so blessed to have good friends who take time to just stop say hi. I was wet from playing with my Sarah but friend Sarah braved a hug anyway. They were on their way to workout.

We don't have writer's meeting until the end of the month. I miss them all and wish it was sooner. They all make me laugh and I seem to need vast quantities of that.

I'm tired now. I know there was more I wanted to write. Can't think of it. Yawning all over the place.

Am I Sleeping

It's Monday. Again. I suppose I should be grateful for the "again" but it is never a good Monday. I got up ok. Dressed ok. Did my hair ok. And that's about it. Cried for 15 minutes before I made myself get out of the house.

I had nightmares last night. But it is at the point I can't tell if I'm sleeping or awake where nightmares are concerned. When I think of the years, literally years, when I could not, did not dream, prayed to dream it is frustrating to now be having vivid dreams. Of course, that means I'm sleeping in REM, the best sleep. But it isn't the best if you wake in the middle of the night to see where you are and what's after you.

I say it was a nightmare. I don't know. It "felt" like one. I was with these people and there was something going on in the country so that we had to stay out of sight. We had to go somewhere and someone got a plane for us. They told us we couldn't fly above 200 feet to avoid being seen. (I know, anyone on the ground could see us at that height). I don't know what it means, I just was along for the ride. We landed at this airfield in the middle of nowhere. I remember thinking "that thing is visible from the air and anyone looking for people trying to hide will see it." Someone said or I thought "We hide it after we land." {shrug} No idea.

Anyway, we got off this plane and I was with some man. I have never seen him before. Remember in dreams you are one place and then you are somewhere else... no scenery in between. Now, we were in this town or village, walking behind the buildings, in an alley large enough to drive a car through. The fenced back yards of house were on either side and bushes, hedges and weeds grew up along the fences and edges of the yards. We went into a building from the back and I could hear music and laughter. It was the kitchen and it was filled with these people working. I want to say they were all dressed in red pants and yellow shirts.

Things get a bit chaotic here. This man, with me following, stepped into this hallway and we looked around a corner. A young boy or small man was about to go on this stage. The man I was with grabbed him and ran, yelling for me to follow. I looked and a huge man was lunging at me. I ran. I could hear that big man behind me, knocking things down, shoving all those people in the kitchen. I just ran, following the man. In the alley we ran hard and then we darted through an opening in a hedge and ran around into a yard with a hedge so thick you could hardly see through it. The three of us squatted and watched the big man run laboriously by in pursuit of us.

I woke up.

I hate chase dreams, particularly when I'm being chased. I don't know who these people are or what I'm doing. I have no idea what it means.

And I'm tired.

Any Josephs around?

And That's the Way We Wash. . .

I tried to post around noon today but Multiply went down in the process. I had to copy it and save it until it came back up... a short while ago. I hate it when they do that unannounced... or did they?

So written before noon this morning --
Laundry day for me. I've been washing clothes for the last few hours, putting away clean laundry, picking up debris that accumulates throughout the week, washing dishes, and cleaning sinks. I cleaned off the top of the dryer. If you're one of those lucky people who have a nice laundry room... goody. Mine is a virtual closet off the kitchen and just big enough to turn around in. The top of the washer and dryer become shelving. And soap, softener, and stain removers end up spilled on top of the dryer. Fortunately, they clean up fairly well. I've got to get some Contact paper to cover it again. Rust spots are forming. Oh well, it still works. . . for the moment.

I've also been running scans on the laptop... it is running kind of sluggish. I loaded something last night and I think that was the culprit. I've since uninstalled it and sure enough, lots of adware was found during one of my scans. I'll do other things but at the moment a virus scan is in progress and it is taking forever because it is a deep scan.

It took about 4 hours to physically get out of bed. I was awake at 5:30 and since the sun wasn't going to come up I figured no point in getting out of bed. I turned on the laptop... that's when I found it sluggish, and did a video blog that is just the pits so don't go watch it. My last several blogs have been bad. I'm considering closing these mental tortures. It just depresses everyone and I really don't want to do that. People will stop coming if all I do is moan and groan all the time. So closing it is a sensible option. I'll think about it a few days. It will mean it won't post to Blogger or Facebook.

It is amazing that the phone has not rung but one time this morning. My aunt called. I'm sure she was worried. We chatted a bit but I don't think we were good company for one another. She was upset about other things and I wasn't much help to her either.

My writing friend, Sarah, was online for a bit this morning and chatted with me. She's a lovely person to have around. Her compassion and concern is so sincere. She never lets your rotten mood get her down and spends a great deal of effort to pull you up to her level, which is very high, by the way. You can get a head rush from it. She's probably the most positive person I know. Probably good for her to poke me once in awhile to see if I'm still breathing.

Mike hasn't called but he's asleep, no doubt. We have to go to the store for him today. I do not wish to go out. If he wasn't such a terrible driver, I'd let him take my car.

I think I am hungry but nothing sounds good. I looked in the cabinets and it is all pretty basic. I never liked frozen or canned foods. I always cooked from scratch until I went to work. Then, Jerry had to share the load of cooking and could only cook from a box. I did teach him a few things, like pan fried pork chops. No grease, just season salt, rosemary and plop them in the pan and cook until they are done. Wonderful with mac & cheese as a side or mashed potatoes. You can make a gravy with the drippings. I have a chili rice dinner I always made too that was really good. They all loved it and it was a one pan meal. {sigh} No reason to cook like that now.

I'm so tried but a nap just means no sleep tonight. I'll go sit and stare at the clock. Ever notice how the minute hand has this little hesitation before each second it ticked off, as if it wants to prolong each second and reluctantly moves to the next? It does. Oh a few expensive watches have a smooth moving second hand, sweep second they call it, but the average wall clock has a small hesitation and so do a lot of watches. Believe me, I know this.

That was where the system went down. So, to pick up where I left off....

I did go shopping with Mike around 2 p.m. and got home around 5 p.m.. I despise shopping. I'm so tired tonight I can't see straight. I'm on my way to the shower and bed. I do not remember being as tired as I am tonight. I'm sure I must have been at some point in the past. I've done nothing since I got home. . . oh, well, I don't think I have. Honestly, I do not remember what I've been doing. I did go out and change the filter on the central unit. Good thing. The screws were lost. Dave told me that last time he changed it for me but he said it was closed fine. Actually, it wasn't sealed well. I had to come back in and dig around for screws and prayed to find three. I picked three identical screws from a box of hundreds of mixed screws. Thankfully, they fit perfectly and the panel is now closed tightly.

I've read stuff online but do not remember what. Uhmmm.... I think that is all. Oh... cleaned the toilet after buying a new toilet brush... a really good one actually.

Done. Shower and bed. I hope to sleep and not way before dawn... if it dawns.

End of Another Week

Not an auspicious beginning to the weekend. Gray, gray, gray, wet, wet, wet cotton batting was rolled across the skies last night and settled heavily today. Based on the maps, it won't be gone until another work week starts. And once it comes out, I'll see no sun except possibly through a window. By next weekend there will be more rain and more clouds.

I've had a headache for two days. Finally took an Imitrex around the middle of the morning and it cleared up sometime this afternoon. Came home, stopping by the pharmacy to pick up some scripts that were waiting, and promptly went into a depressed state where I sat and cried and talked to no one and the house resonated with no response.

At 6:30 I remembered to take my medicines and after about an hour I was upright again. A hot shower made me long for a vat of hot water but it was better than nothing. I opened some canned beef stew that wasn't really any good. I made hot cocoa and toaster strudel and promptly burnt the roof of my mouth.

I'm going to bed I think. No use sitting up. It isn't going to be a very useful weekend anyway. I'd like to sleep but even that seems to be something I'm denied. I'll feel lucky to get 5 hours.

I've asked myself over and over what anything means. We spend lifetimes accumulating things - house, cars, possessions, families and photographs of it all. And at the end of the day, when it is all gone, it means absolutely nothing to anyone else.

I sat on the edge of my bed and looked around at this box I live in. A treasure chest filled with my life. A coffin of sorts, I guess. I noticed some pictures on the wall in front of me. I bought them when Michael was about Sarah's age or maybe a bit younger.He's 30 now and she's 3 1/2. We lived in Fayetteville, N. Carolina. I remembered how much I liked them and still do. The scenes look like old English villages painted on foil. I've taken such good care of them because I just loved them. They've traveled thousands of miles safely wrapped to prevent the glass breaking. At one time, they gave me pleasure to look at them. I doubt anyone else will ever care for them at all.

The place is filled with such stuff, things I thought were of value, meant something, would someday mean something to others. And I realized that they're pretty much meaningless. I tried to remember exactly why they meant so much to me. But I can't.

As I sat on the couch earlier and talked to no one, I could hear the clock on the wall. Everyone who comes here says it has the loudest ticking sound they've ever heard. It is just a five dollar wall clock you can get virtually anywhere. But it is loud. I hear it all the time. For some reason it ticks louder at night, as if it wants to remind you that while you sleep time doesn't. It is my virtual hourglass. Rather than watch the sand slip silently through the slot, I listen to the tick, tick, tick of time passing. Like things, it is pretty meaningless. I have very little sense of time at all, in fact. I forget things. So, I don't much tell time. What could I tell it? Unlike sand the in the hourglass, I can't turn it over and start again.

Early Morning

Woke up at 4:30... no, I did not get up. I was hurting ALL over. I think the front was passing through. I went back to sleep. Woke at 5:45. I got up after I lay there for a few minutes trying to find a place on my body that was not screaming at me. I got up and dressed. Took about an hour for the worst of it to pass off. Now I have general pain... pretty much everywhere but I can walk.

My aunt read my blog and thought I had a car accident. She called to fuss because I had not called her. I did NOT have an accident. Only a near miss. Some of you have suggested medicine as a factor. I've been taking the same medications for years. It isn't medicine. I only started this since Jerry died, not before. My mind isn't working well a lot of the time. Very hard to concentrate at times. I think something in all of this has just been too much. I don't know when or even if it will correct itself. Maybe if I could retire to a nice quiet little town and write and sit in the sun all day, I might get better.

The day has been total chaos... so what else is new? I have not been able to do the work I need to do because my "other duties" have taken priority. I'm so tired of this. I get behind and get stressed because of this.

I'm going home and going to bed unless I can sit in the sun for just a little while. That'd be so nice.....

Off to a Bad Start

It isn't a very good day today. I kept waking up during the night as if something was wrong. Can't put my finger on it. Woke up very stressed and felt as if something was wrong. I didn't want to leave the house.

A block from work, I ran a red light and nearly got hit. I was sitting AT the red light and just drove off. I have no idea why or what I was thinking. The light sort of just disappeared and I didn't know anything until a car coming at me blew its horn. Even then I was through the intersection when the horn registered and I looked in my rear view mirror before I realized what I'd done. I am getting nervous about driving because this has become common place with me. That was never the case before and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know why I'm doing it! I am just glad I prayed before I left home.

Mike is not answering his phone, which isn't terribly unusual as he never goes to bed until the small hours of the morning but today, I really need him to answer the phone. He had another headache last night and had nothing to take. I think he is taking too much of the headache medicine. I don't know why he's having the headache so much. I couldn't get up and go out for headache medicine and he has no money or he could have gone down to the pharmacy a few blocks from his house. At any rate, my mental state this morning is not good and it worries me that he isn't answering his phone. Probably needless worry. And I don't relish climbing the stairs to his apartment. They are very high and my knees are killing me this week. And since he is deaf he may not hear me pounding on the door. He doesn't hear the phone ringing.

I'm going now. I have been working on this since before work started. I don't know what else I can do to sort all of this out.

Another Day in the Mines

Seems like it anyway. Heavy overcast. Storms moving in. Not much different from a mine where it is dark and gloomy and there is always a threat of something falling on your head. I'm sitting here at my desk looking at all the stuff I have to shovel. I don't want to.

Went to the Y last night. It was fine. Well, for the most part. Do you know it is very hard to carry on a conversation with someone standing stark naked in front of you? Really. I'm getting things out of my locker to go home and a young woman turns around and starts telling me about her workout. ormally, I'd stand around and chat but she's standing there without a stitch on. I don't know her at ALL - never saw her before and I'm seeing WAY too much of her. She begins by telling me She hasn't worked out in three years. I'd say longer. She said she had just spent an hour and 45 minutes working out. I'm thinking she'll feel that tomorrow.

When I told my friend Carolyn about it, she said "And you're standing there thinking, 'Are you embarrassed? Because I sure am!'" Oh, and I'm sorry but some people should be more ashamed of being naked than others. I wanted to say, "Honey, cover that up!"

No way would I appear in front of all those women like that. I take my suit off behind the curtain in the shower, shower and wash my hair, wrap up in my huge towel, get my gear and head for a toilet stall, where I dress. Then I dry my hair and go home.

Ok, now that I've made your hair stand on end, get up and get a brush. I gotta get my shovel.

Off to Work

Monday.

Mild pain in neck.

Work.

Y tonight.

Bed by 10... I hope.

Need I say more?

What A Little Sun Can Do

The sun is blinding today. I know they expect it to be short lived. I will be glad for longs days of sun. I may actually go stand in it for a short time if it is still around after church!

I'm on my way to church. I have to stop and pick up Mike. Then, I'm picking up Becca and Sarah. Dave is working this morning. I'm glad they are going with me. It is always better when they do. I don't feel so adrift. I know that sounds crazy. I can't help that. I hate sitting there staring at empty spaces and expecting a tall form to be there.



Cruise in 48 days! That is what it says on top of the Carnival page. I think I'll get plenty of sun then.

I'm out now. I don't know when I'll get back home this afternoon. We usually have lunch and then take a short nap before church. Hope you all have a great day.

Pray for Kat

Kat's mother passed away today. She and her daughter drove down to Texas yesterday and was able to spend time with her mom this morning. She said she was lucid and I am glad that she was able to have last week and today with her mother. They were able to talk and laugh together before she died.

Keep them in your prayers. It is a hard road to walk and they will need them. At the moment she says she is fine but I have no doubt it gets more difficult as the days pass.

A Friday with Sun

Nice. Sun is already gilding the ground outside the window. I'm always glad of a sunny day but I do so, with fingers and toes crossed, that tomorrow is even sunnier.

I picked up my ring yesterday after I had it repaired. I was so happy to get it back. I have to stop wearing it where it will get damaged. I've put it back on my right hand but I don't think it matters. It just has such a high profile that it gets hung on stuff when I'm working. I really want to wear it though and will have to be very careful what I do.

I had a meeting with the counselor at 5 last night. Dan and I basically just chatted. He too, says I'm funny. {shakes head} I guess I must be. Enough people keep saying it. I don't imagine I'll be going back. We both sort of felt it. He told me to come back anytime I thought I needed to and he'd be glad to see me. I told him that I didn't think there was anything he could really do for me. He can't fix this and neither can I. He nodded and said, "Remember I told you 18 months to two years to recover. You only have a year under your belt."

On my way out he said, "I don't know how your husband kept up with you! You're mind just goes so fast I have a hard time keeping up at times." He said he had to really concentrate at times to keep up with me. I told he had to stay awake. Then, I laughed and told him I didn't know if I'd just been insulted or complimented. He told me it was a compliment and he enjoyed talking to me. I gave him a hug and said good-by.

I got home around 6:30 and got my shower, decided on a sandwich for supper since Carolyn and I had Chinese for lunch when I picked up my ring. The jewelry store was almost right next door to the restaurant. I had a couple of phone calls but I was in bed by 7:30 and read until close to 9 when I could no longer stay awake. Lights out. Slept like a rock, but I had a rough night. I had a nightmare and woke up around 11:30 and made a potty trip... I think.... {shakes head} not sure about the potty. Woke up again around 3 a.m. and again at 6:30 but I didn't get up until 7. For a bit I still felt exhausted and wanted to go back to bed but another day at the mines looms. I hope it passes quickly.

I'm supposed to spend the night with Sarah tonight. When I get off I'll get my stuff and go over there. I don't know how well it will go. I don't sleep well at lot of times and not sure how an air mattress will do me. We'll see. I may have to come home.

I"m on my way to work now. I have to stop and get breakfast but that's fine. I didn't open the computer last night when I went to bed but read instead. I did check mail when I got online but quickly got off when I was done.

Oh, Kat left to go back to Texas yesterday about her mother. Her daughter was going as well. I could tell she was concerned on Wednesday night. She sent me a text message at work yesterday that her mom was struggling. Keep her in your prayers.

Writers's Asylum Meeting Success

We had Writers' Asylum meeting tonight. It is always such fun to have them over. And we hammered out a slogan.. courtesy of the Snowgoon, aka Goon. ( Actually he said it and the inmates all howled approval.)

Here is the new slogan for the Writers' Asylum Writing Group: "You don't have to be crazy, you just have to be committed."

Kathy is working on the logo. Looks really cool so far.

We critiqued Katie tonight, offering her lots of feedback and suggestions that I think will really help her in her writing. She has a good start to a story. One suggestion we really think is a good idea for anyone wanting to write, take your favorite book and critique it. Look at all aspects of it. Take it apart and study the structure, the techniques used and how the writer kept the story moving.

We finished just a bit later than usual. They sat around and listened to me for half an hour. Now that's friends for you. There is just a warmth and security you can't get anywhere else but in the presence of people who you know really care about you. I always say this but it can't be said enough. I love you gals.... and Goon.

I immediately got my shower and am piled in bed doing my final post of the day. I almost forgot it. I'm tired tonight.

I did my presentation this morning. Went fine. Only about 8 people in attendance. Two just wanted to whine in public rather than call the office. I guess they wanted witnesses to their complaints. Suites me. Doesn't change what is.

Its been a difficult week and I haven't done a lot. Told the group tonight I was at a point I was ready to chuck writing into the Ohio and watch it drift away on the tide. I'm just worn out for some reason. I'm needing more sleep than usual. But it is probably because the days at work have been more stressful and hectic. There were 193 tenants between 8:15 and 2:30! And I was out for about two hours of that. We had a lunch break as well of an hour and a half. So, basically, seven clients for each of six case managers every hour for five hours. Something like that. It was a long day.

And tomorrow is only Thursday.

So, good night all. May the sun shine on you all in the morning.

Downhill...

Considering most of the week has been, I suppose I shouldn't be surprise it is Wednesday. The only redeeming quality I see is that Writer's Asylum will meet tonight. I'll get to visit with some funny people and talk about what we all like to do in our "free" time, which none of us have enough of.

I went to bed at 7:30 because I simply couldn't see very well. I didn't intend to doze off but I guess I did because I had a phone call wake me around 8:30. I was so exhausted last night and wasn't even aware of how much so. I chatted with friends for a bit but I was kind of worried that my nap may have finished my night. Not so. I shut the light out again at 11:30 and I was out in minutes. Slept all night until the clock went off at 6:30. No, I did not want to get up.

We have 193 recertification appointments today between 8:15 a.m. and 3 p.m. with an hour and a half for everyone to take lunch. That is 7 people every 15 minutes for 6 case managers. While that is going on, I have to give a presentation at the Apartment Association at 10 so I will leave within an hour of the start of recerts and probably not get back until after lunch.

Our department has an hour and a half to do the presentations. There will be my boss, one inspector and me. Originally it was planned that two others would go but when I pointed out that we had so many people coming in it would be a mad house, he had to change it.

Ok, got to hit the road. I need about another hour of sleep, I think. But not to be. I'll stop and get breakfast. Have a good day.

No sun again.

One Down and Four To Go

Tuesday. Good Lord, how many clouds could there possibly be? They've taken up permanent residence over Indiana just to keep me annoyed.

There must be a terrible drought somewhere. Clouds are water vapor in the air. So if all that water is trapped in clouds, the ground must be really dry somewhere.

I'm tired. I have a cold that seems to be getting a bit worse. Still it is only a mild one so maybe I should take something. But what? It is a head cold at this point with a mild cough starting now. I need to be in bed but I spent the day there Sunday and it didn't help much.

This afternoon I have an eye exam and my teeth cleaned. I need the glasses but my teeth, well, my insurance pays for it so I'm going. But they always say they're very clean. Helps if you brush your teeth regularly with the right stuff. Get an electric tooth brush, too.

Went to the Y. Arm is o.k. Back hurts and neck and they did before I went to bed. I knew I was straining it because I was in too deep. But the class is too big this time. They let a lot of people in who weren't registered and so it is crowded.

Dave and Becca came over after I came home and we had pizzas and of course stories and puzzles. I told someone she chases the dark with golden hair, sunny smiles and giggles. She is just a doll baby and always cheers me up a bit. David worked on my shoulder some and it helped. Sarah told him "Be careful, Daddy, you'll hurt Mawmaw. She's fragile."

I still didn't go to bed until late. I think I probably should tonight. I'm very tired. Probably the cold on top of everything else.

God, I'm a mess. I should make this kind of stuff private, I suppose. Who wants to read a bunch of whining, moaning, groaning, mess. I have to get to work anyway so I'll stop here.

Don't let me rain on your day. I expect nature will do enough of that. For those who have sun. Take photos so you can remember it. I saw Jilly did. Looked so lovely in her back yard. I'd love to sit on that bench in the corner she has and watch the birds.

Another Gray Monday

No sun today. Once again the clouds have blanketed the sky in thick batting. It isn't as cold as it has been, currently 39 degrees but still cold.

I wanted to stay in bed today. I suppose you could say I pray every morning before I go to work. I'm praying before I ever get out of bed. I don't feel overly pious about it. I'm simply repeating certain phrases. "God help me" seems to be the most predominate one. It would be funny if it wasn't pathetic.

I seem to have a stomach issue. I had it yesterday afternoon and last night. My stomach just didn't feel really good. Still doesn't today. Grumbly feelings and not good. I've had to go to the bathroom several times and I'm afraid I shouldn't go to the Y tonight. But it so helped my arm last week.

The pain has been much better this week, a sure sign it is fibro rather than something else. I suspect when I injured the muscle months ago it set up the cycle for the fibro to attack that muscle. The only thing that helps is working the muscle, even when it hurts. And I have to work through the pain rather than wait for the pain to stop. Just about kills you for the first ten minute but honestly, if you stick it out, it gets better after that. I know it is crarzy but it does work.

So, I'd really like to go, even though I want to go to bed. The lesser of two evils is depression. The pain only makes that worse so if I get relief from the pain, I'm ahead... well, it looks like I'm ahead to me.

On a slightly positive note, don't dare get too may of those in a depressing entry, I'm sleeping better since I moved the bed. I moved the night table to the other side of the bed and I now sleep on that side. I still don't like it much because my back is to the door and that was the side Jerry slept on but moving it has helped. I must know that the phone, light and tissue is on that side because I roll over there now to sleep. Silly. At any rate, it has taken some pressure off the left side. I still roll that way but not as much I did.

I'm stopping now and getting back to work. The day has passed quickly, thankfully. I will make my mind up about the Y later. See if the stomach improves.

A Sunday in Bed

I woke up early this morning, just before 8. The plan was to fix my hair, which I had rolled last night, and go to church. I felt hideous. I shut off the alarm and went back to bed. I've been up twice to go to the bathroom, once to get coffee and the muffin I bought yesterday for today's breakfast. the rest of the day I have sat here in bed waiting for time to pass. It has just gone past the lunch hour. I've been looking at movies to watch but actually, I can't get past the first five or 10 minutes of anything. I've switched several times.

I was reading something, not a novel, just a devotional, around 9 o'clock and out of the blue this amazing . . . vision if you will, rushed at me of me running to meet Jerry and throwing my arms around him and he spinning me around. Stupid, stupid, stupid. No idea why or whence it came. It was cruel and painful and ripped me to shreds. I've been here in bed for hours and I do not know when I will be able to get up and face reality. I do not want to get up. I do not want to think. And I do not want to hear platitudes. If one more person tells me it will get better, they're going to find out how many swear words I actually learned listening to Daddy when he drank.

I want to get something to eat but nothing appeals to me. There isn't really anything in the fridge to fix. I've let it get empty. I'm going to give my large freezer to Dave and Becca. They have use for it. If I need anything else, I'll just find me a small chest type. I have a few things in the refrigerator freezer but I usually fill it up with ice trays. I drink a lot of iced tea, sodas, and water.

I also have a cold... nose was all stuffy for several days now. I think I should go see about food. It really is too much bother, though. I'm just really very tired.

And yes, I'm taking the stuff for depression. I'm not depressed. I don't know what I am. Hollow, empty, dejected, filled with an unendurable sense of loss, a sense of never finding my way back, shrouded in a mist that clears briefly but then shrouds me in a thick cloud.

I tired to sleep but couldn't get to sleep. Kat called around 1 and I talked with her for a bit. I am afraid I was not much in a chatting mood. I was very down but it was a good thing to have to think not think about my own life and laugh at some of the things she has seen while she was there. We, of course, talked about writing and how we were going to handle the next set of scenes in the Inkwell. Initially we had intended to be done by now but life interfered. So we'll be stretching it out for at least another week. We've both been working on things that will fill the week up and I hope by next weekend we can get the culmination out there.

I think we've both got a lot of stuff from this experience and we're read to move to another idea or story line.

I finally fixed something to eat about 2. I was beginning to feel strange and figured I should probably eat and see it I felt better. I don't know if I did or not. I feel very disconnected and not sure what that means.

Then, I decided to take the rollers out and fix my hair. I hate it. It looks horrible. I don't like it at all but it 's up and shall remain. I think part of it is that I looked in the mirror and realized I look old today. I didn't recognized myself for a minute. And all the white hair that was visible on the rollers was a real shock. I hadn't noticed when I was rolling it last night but this morning, there was the nearly white head of hair in the front. I wasn't happy with it and it only served to feed an already bad mood.

I'm still in bed. I have to dress in a couple of hours but until then, I'll stay right here. I need to get something to drink too as I may be a bit dehydrated. I've had two cups of coffee, one glass of juice and a glass of iced tea all day... well, except for the water when I took my pills.

This is a totally worthless, depressing post. Sorry, I can't fix it.

That's All I've Got to Say

I'm working.

I appear to have a head cold.

I was in bed before 10 last night.

It's Friday.

Yay.

Wednesday Why

Why indeed. Wednesday, the mid point of chaos and confusion. A week so busy I'm rarely aware of the time passing until I check the clock and see I've forgotten lunch. Fortunately, it is lunch time when I check but to actually get to lunch without being frustrated that it is taking too long to reach it is quite odd.

I'm going to the Y tonight for the pool workout. It does help a little bit but I'm not really motivated. Why should I care how I look or feel or if I am healthy? I'm not going to get better in that area. So who cares. It doesn't really seem to improve and honestly, there is no one to really consider anymore but me. I had Reese cups for supper last night. I ate until I was tired of them. I skipped breakfast. Had junk food for a snack before lunch. Ate more junk food after lunch. Not much because I wasn't actually hungry. But when I looked at it I thought, why not? I'm just going to die anyway of something and depriving myself of things I like and want to do is just a waste of effort. No one to care how I look but me... and I don't so much anymore.

So if I don't want to take a walk why bother? If I don't want to get up, why should I? If I want to leave paper all over the floor, why shouldn't I? It really doesn't matter. And I am amazed that it all makes sense to me now. I don't have to wash the dishes until I feel like it or need something. That's is not going to happen often since I eat an average of a meal a day.

I don't have to sweep, mop or dust. Why bother? I don't! Never again do I have to care about how things look or smell or feel. I clean up if I know someone is coming. Laundry is piled on the spare bed. Why put it away? I just pull it out again. I'm washing now but it can just lay in the basket when it's done. It's only sheets and towels.

I'll have tons of time to do nothing but sit and stare at the television screen or computer screen. I can play games until bedtime. I can write if I want. Or not. Who blinking cares anyway.

Not me.

Huh, I'm already dead, I guess.

Swimmingly

Just got back from the Y and I am going to find food. Wasn't hungry before but am now! My shoulder is painful but no more than usual so I guess it doesn't matter. We'll see tomorrow. I have PT in the morning. I did not do the exercises that put a strain on the muscles that hurt. Some I couldn't do had I wanted to try. Major pain to row backward. No back stroke either.

I'm gone until tomorrow. I'm missing the writing sessions with Kat. So I am going to go in there and after I eat I'm going to do one without feedback. We'll see how it goes. I know she is probably going crazy anyway being without any computer at all. LOL, bet she comes home wanting to write non-stop.

Which brings me to a question. I'll be gone on this cruise for 5 days. I am debating taking my laptop. I can't imagine not writing for five days! It is just not good. No blogs, no stories, NOTHING! Almost makes me thing twice about it. Oh yes it does. Writing has kept me sane for the last year. It is my new drug of choice. So, anyone ever take a laptop on a cruise? LOL.

Ok, I'm really hungry and tired. Glad I got my shower at the Y. I shall leave you all to contemplate and I'll fill my plate.

Dark Ages

Yes, I think we are there again. Look outside! Gloomy gray clouds, colder by the minute, threats of rain or snow. Yucky day! And yesterday was so promising.

I got up at my usual time this morning. No, I had no trouble going to sleep last night, despite my having a nap from 3- 7 last night! Amazing. I thought sure I'd not sleep at all. I'm glad I did. Must have been exceptionally tired.

Tonight is the Y exercise class. I may go a bit early and see if I can get on a machine for a while. I really need to start toning up. I've lost a few pounds since Jerry died and some things are just not looking too good. Remember the video blog about the mirror thing? Yeah.

Ok, going now because work is calling. Only three and a half hours to go so maybe I can get through it.

Some out there, please send sunlight!

Sunday Night Sign Off.

Went to church this morning and spent the whole day in bed when I came home. I actually sat with the laptop and did things on the computer. You know, emails and some games, then my aunt called and then, I got so sleepy! I lay down and went to sleep.

My son called twice and woke me up wanting to know if I was sleeping! And was I going to church. He really wanted to go. I've got to find a car for him to use. My daughter-in-law called and said she'd call back later. As a result when the calls stopped I went into a heavy sleep and didn't wake up until 7 p.m. I guess I was tired. But in truth, I'd been up since 7 a.m. So I probably had reason. My shoulder was hurting badly this morning. It is better but the arm is just not much use when it is like this.

I'm getting ready to turn out the lights now.

Ok, I'm going now. I'm tired again so I hope I sleep. I must have been really exhausted to sleep so much today. I think the depression is much better this week. That or that shopping trip did me a world of good. But I hate shopping and spending money so I can't really believe that. Everyone have a great week.

Lazy Sunday

I'm sitting here in my bed where I've been since around 2 p.m. I was working on emails and reading blogs when my cell phone rang. It was Kat! I couldn't believe it! I told her before she left to call me if she needed to. Just in case she needed to hear a sane voice while she was in Houston seeing about her mom. In crisis it is often nice to have someone on the outside you can call just to keep you calm. You never know.

As you remember, her mother was found unconscious in the doorway of her apartment and has been in ICU. So, Kat called and she was laughing! LOL, she said "I was just sitting here thinking I can't believe I'm going to call Dixie!" I was happy to hear from her, too.

Her mother is improving but they don't really know what happened yet. She is still not communicating well. She has some kind of kidney infection they are treating and it may have caused her to become confused. Apparently that can happen with older people. Her mom is 89! But she is better. Kat said she could see a big improvement from this morning to this afternoon.

She also said it was too early to tell if there has been any secondary problems. There is a risk of brain damage in hypothermia.

I told Kat you had all sent good wishes and prayers. She sends her thanks. It was very nice to chat with her but we are both feeling the impact of writing deprivation of not writing about Simon and Serge. She doesn't have access to a computer there and well, I could write but we're at a crucial place and it won't work. So, I will have to wait for her return. I told her we should have written ahead and so we'd have things to post in the event one of us went on vacation. But who knew!

She did say it was in the 60's there! Spring in Texas!

Everyone have a good Sunday and hope your week is filled with warm weather and sunshine.

I try to be optimistic.

Coffee's On

The sun woke me at 8 and I've already had a cup. I've given up trying to sleep in on Saturdays. I'm going to sit here and do nothing. Well, maybe write.

Everyone please keep my friend, Kat in your prayers. Her mother is in the hospital in Texas in serious condition. She was found lying in her doorway yesterday morning by a neighbor. They don't know how long she was there and when I talked to Kat last night her core temp was only 87. She is flying down there today and I know she must be very worried and upset. Pray for her mother, as well, that she will recover.

We will be letting Simon and Serge stew for a few days until Kat is back and able to write.

Ok, going away for now. I feel pretty empty today. I had a difficult night last night. and did nothing but watch television shows on Hulu and Fancast. Mindless, mind numbing. Could not bear thinking at all. I miss Jerry so much on the weekends. You don't know how important doing things together is until you can't. No one to share a joke with, or watch a funny or exciting movie with, no one to take a walk with or work in the yard or house with.

Do you realize how much fun it is to clean house with a man? It was always, when he was in a normal job, a joint project. Then we'd go to lunch. We loved taking the kids to lunch on Saturday... even after they grew up. It was always time spent with our children we loved the most.

O.k. not doing this.

Running Out of Week

Only a couple of hours until I'm out of work week. I'm thrilled it is nearly over. I can't tell that Monday was a holiday!

I was sitting here a few minutes ago and looked at the clock and said, "Oh God! Still two hours to go! I feel like I've worked all week." Well. . . . . . .I have. So, I'm ready to go home. I'm supposed to keep Sarah some tonight. I'm just not sure I'm up to it now. I want to go home.

Anyway, another week of chaos is ending and I'm glad. I do not anticipate a whole weekend of loneliness but there isn't much for that. I'm not a shopper, runner, or gad about, particularly alone. I always enjoyed the weekends Jerry and I got to spend together. They became fewer and fewer. We hardly got to see one another at all. We both missed it when he had to work all weekend. And now, I can't ever have that again.

I don't want to become one of those women addicted to my job because I have no personal life. That isn't fun for me. Five days as someones servant is plenty. I don't have an solution. Doubt anyone does. I don't like to think about it much because it upsets me a lot. I know it shouldn't but it does. Life isn't very attractive anymore.

Friday's Gold

Once again the sun gilds the top of the trees outside my window. There was sun pouring into the kitchen window as well when I got coffee. I'm half dressed and stopped to drink it. I am so happy it is Friday. I'll be thrilled if the sun shines all day.

I have a PT appointment this morning at 8:30. My arm has hurt less in the last three or days but I don't think it is because of PT. I think, based on the way this pain is behaving, this is fibro pain. It strikes randomly, it last for days, it seem to not be connected with any particular activity. I remember the calf muscle hurting off and on for over a year, with no reason and no fix. I could exercise and it helped ease the pain for short times but it always came back and I'd be limping. As soon as the calf pain stopped, the deltoid pain came back. I still have calf pain once in awhile but it doesn't last long. So, I'm concerned this is not treatable. I know I hurt that muscle and it is probably why it is now hypersensitive and picking up pain signals. Those are coming from my brain.

We'll see. Right now, I have to get my hair combed and get ready to face another day. For the moment, I'll deal with the hour. My grandmother used to tell me, "Stop worrying about tomorrow. You might not even be here!" LOL, she was teasing of course but I've learned what she apparently knew, life is short. And it is painful enough in the now.

Over the Horizon

I believe, I'm not sure, but I believe that is sun peeking over the horizon. Trees just outside my window have the upper sections bathed in a light golden tint. {sigh} One can only hope.

I have a slight headache this morning. I'm not sure why. Had a mild one yesterday, too. I'm still feeling down. Not the blinding depression of two weeks ago but just very sad. It is never far away, just around the next corner. I suppose total escape is not going to be possible. I can laugh for a while, distract myself with writing, chatting, talking on the phone. But laughter doesn't last forever. I can't write all the time. I get tired of the phones.

And I always have to come home, back to reality and such a very empty house. It isn't home anymore. I've always loved my house, warts and all. So many repairs needed. A complete face lift is the only solution. But I've neither the energy or concern to really tackle it.

I've thought about taking some of Jerry's photos down. Not because I don't want to see him anymore. But because I do. Each time I step into the hallway I face two. I sit in my study and he watches from the sidelines. In my bedroom he hangs over my bed. In my living room he smiles into the whole room. Every photo is a family portrait so taking them down means taking down my family. But really, it is just another burial.


People said it gets better. They don't know what that means. They just know that all the people they've seen who've lost someone to death, seem to get up and go about their business. Maybe other people do. I go through a lot of motions. But they don't really mean anything. It's just a way to get through a day without thinking about much except what you are doing at that moment. You don't think back and you don't think forward. You think now. You don't plan.

I suppose we just live with a hope that it will end. That something will fill the hollow spaces. I keep thinking I'll get up and look out to find something bright just over the horizon. Around that corner, something good will step out and wrap me in a warm cloak. I won't be cold. It won't be dark.

I keep hoping so.

I just don't believe.

Wednesday Writers' Asylum

Did I tell you guys that my writing group now has a name? Writers' Asylum. Courtesy of Snowgoon. He named us and we all agree it is perfect. We decided tonight we need shirts.. maybe hoodies. LOL. And I told him he needs to come up with a logo for us.

We had a nice time and reviewed Kathy's story about her reluctant psychic hot-line detective. It is a funny story and we all see lots of potential in it.

Cassie, our new inmate, came and she said she was so excited to be here and you could see that she was. It is always uncomfortable being in a group setting for the first time with virtual strangers. She was very quiet but seemed to enjoy it. She's younger than all of us but in our previous meetings with her we were impressed by her goals and her drive. We're looking forward to working with her, reading her writing, and just getting to know her.

After we finished Kathy's critique we all just did the usual chatter about whatever comes out of our mouth. It is a nice feeling sitting with this group and no one wants to move to end it. We're all, probably for the first time in days, relaxed and there are no demands on us, no pressures from the outside. Just the companionship of friends. It is hard for all of us to get up and say good night. I see it each time with the lingering good-bys, the hugs, and stopping to say one more thing. I'm glad they feel comfortable in my home. I know when they go, there is light here and warmth.

Slide into Night

The day is on the downhill side and the icy slope as it heads into night is a problem to navigate. I was fine but my mood seems to be darkening and I don't really know why. I noticed around 2:30 that I wasn't feeling myself. Just a general slump. And now it is 3:30 and I'm feeling the weight that will only get heavier. I am hoping that the meeting tonight will lighten my mood.

It would not be so difficult if you could erase images, forget events, sounds, smells. But you can't and they jump out at you at inconvenient times. I can't leave my job and go home to compose myself. So, I simply watch the day darken and wait until I get home to see if I can find some light.

Another Cloudy Day

You heard it here first.

I am about to leave for work. Tonight is my writer's meeting and I'm so excited! I l always love it when these people appear at my door. They are just fun to be with and it is always an evening we get to talk about what we all love the most. New girl should be here tonight to try us out.

Tuesday Masquerade

I hate Tuesdays that masquerade as a Monday. They just don't feel right. Usually by Tuesday you've gotten past the worse of the calls, the heaviest load of paper, the most annoying client. But a Tuesday that masquerades as a Monday is filled not only with Monday's stuff but the stuff that usually comes on Tuesday as well. It is just frustrating.

I'm at the 3:30 mark and feel antsy. I want to go home and write. I have several things I need to get done tonight. I can tell that the depression is better. The pain isn't better... just the black cloud that envelopes me when it is at its worst.

I'll tell you something else. I'm bugged that my fingers have gotten so skinny that my rings won't stay on right! What is that about??? And why is this miracle weigh loss not consistent? Why not my hips? Why fingers and faces? Why not my boobs? I've commented this on in a video blog yesterday that has not been posted yet but will be tonight. I've lost hair. I've lost a ring size. I've lost my cheekbones. I've lost leg fat. I've even lost some in my waist and stomach (not enough). WHY NOT THE TWO MOST ANNOYING PLACES A WOMAN CAN BE OVERWEIGHT - boobs and saddlebags?

And what is with that skin? Someone stole mine and left theirs and they are wayyyyyy bigger than me. Well, not way... but some.

Ok, now that I've aired my most humiliating issues, I'm going back to work and put in the final hour and a half. I'm going to comtemplate a face lift, a boob reduction, a tummy tuck. . . . wonder if there is just a newer model I can buy?

Houston! We Have SUN!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is real sun out there! And a ton of snow! Blindingly beautiful so get on your shades, break out the sun block, only if you aren't D deficient!

I'm headed for the shower. Been up since before around 7:30. Go figure. I give up. Already had three conversations before 9. Wow! Last night after 10:30 I had four in about 30 minutes. Life as a popular girl has it's drawbacks.

I'm off to read my next writing critique for the Wednesday night meeting. And work in some personal writing. I need to do some other things too. Deltoid on the left arm is hurting terribly and for some reason, a spot the shoulder on the OPPOSITE side is hurting! WHAT! {sigh} Whatever.

Up and At 'Em

I'm finally awake enough to think about doing something. Oh, I've been up, and awake. But I've done nothing. Sat here cruising around and put up an old theme that I really like. I want to walk in this wood and capture some of those fireflies. Or is it fairies? I will sit them on my nightstand and fall asleep watching them glow. Tomorrow, I'll let them go again.

No plans at the moment. Got to get a shower and get dressed. I had one last night but I feel the need this morning. I'm going to see about food soon. I forgot to eat last night and grabbed a granola bar around ten o'clock. My stomach says that was not nice but I'll grab something substantial soon.

Maybe back later. Not much I want to do today since the sun is, once again, on vacation. He's gone south to melt their snow.

I know.... I need to write!

What's Up?

Me.

I woke at 6:40. I know, nuts. My shoulder was hurting and it woke me. I simply can't lie on my left side. This is the biggest problem I have sleeping. It hurts my shoulder and neck to sleep in my left. I can't lie on my right for long either. For some reason, I can't sleep with my back to the door. I know, I know, I know. Crazy. For all the years of my married life, I've slept facing the door. The few times I didn't I was still lying on my left side. Always.

I've tried to sleep on the other side. I used to here because I had my nightstand on that side of the bed. But again, Jerry was between me and the door.

In addition, my blanket went off again. Yes, I was in bed by six again. Not sleeping but watching stuff, cruising the net, worked a bit on my post that was due days ago when the depression knocked me on my can.

I considered going to the Y this morning. Decided it was a disturbance in the force and promptly put it out of my mind. But I may still do it. What else do people do this early?

I'm off for now. No one is here anyway. Maybe I'll be back later.

Amazing Things

Isn't is amazing:

How the word Friday just seems to brighten everyone's day?

That a coworker can look at a problem you've been battling a week and say, "why didn't you come ask me?" and the problem is solved?

That you feel as if a weight has been lifted when a problem is resolved?

That three amazing things before lunch are amazing?

Do You Know What Day It Is?

I'm just about to head out for work and decided I better do an update. Went to bed at 6:30 last night. Yes, I did. Took the laptop, put it on my bed table and watched Human Target. Then, I think I watched something else. But I don't remember what. LOL. I kept sort of dozing, not really sleeping. More of a daze. I just lay there under my blanket thinking very little. I tried to write a bit but when your brain is that fuzzy... all you get is lint.

I am praying that several problems are resolved today. They have not responded back to me on this since I asked last week. Two landlords are not going to get paid is all I can say.

I was supposed to go to Dave and Becca's for supper last night but Becca IM'd me to say Sarah had been up coughing all night and wasn't really feeling well and could we do it tonight. I don't have a confirmation on that. My plans are now to come home and repeat last night. I really, really need to just stop thinking for a while and do nothing but sleep.

I got up last night just before I turned out the light at 10 to check the thermostat. It read 16 degrees! I was shocked since the house was quite warm. When I tried to adjust it it wouldn't go up beyond 30. I decided the batteries had probably not been changed since before Jerry died. The are supposed to be changed every year. We usually did it when we changed the smoke alarm battery. Hmmm, that may need it too, come to think about it.

Ok. Got to run. I'm up to two SJW a day at the moment. One in the a.m and one in the p.m. I'm not happy about it but I don't think I'm in a very good place. Hair . . . I can buy a wig... or two.

Briefs

I'm home.

I'm tired. The conversion chaos is ongoing.

I'm getting a shower and taking the laptop to bed to write.

I WILL have lights out by 10.

Oh, writer's meeting last night was nice. Three of my group met with two of the Nano'ers. Had a good time talking shop.

Half Over!

Oh joy, joy, joy! This week is half done! I am so glad.

That's pretty sad when you think about it. I sat up too late last night. Got to writing and forgot the time. I MUST start going to bed somewhere between 10 and 10:30. That's seems to be my limit to get enough sleep and get up in the morning less tired.

Tonight is the writer's meeting at Panera Bread. Not sure how many will be there since the weather has been just horribly cold and nasty. I am betting that the semi slushy show from lunch yesterday is not rock solid ice. So, the drive to work should be interesting for my little Focus. I slid nearly off the road yesterday morning twice. That usually doesn't scare me much because I'm usually very careful and if I slid it is not usually too bad but I nearly turned in the road and there were cars to left of me, cars to the right of me... here I was, stuck in the middle... An old song.

I'm on my way out the door. I have virtually nothing to say at this point. I feel tired. I don't feel horrible. That SJW pill seems to be helping a bit... maybe. LOL, how can I know!

Hope you have a warm day filled with blue skies and sunshine. If you live anywhere in Southern Indiana, that probably won't happen.

Long Winter's . . . Yeah, Right

No nap today. I have to go to work and there is about five inches of snow on the ground. And it is still falling so it won't get better. No plows will be this way so I have to put the shovel in the trunk in case I get stuck somewhere between here and the snow routes. I do not relish the drive. I had a hill in two directions after I get out of my yard.

I'm leaving early so I will have plenty of time.

I went to bed before eleven. . . I think. I called and had Dave and Becca come over with the baby and we had pizza and just visited and watched her be her adorable self. When they left I got online and Kat came on. We chatted for an hour or so. So I had another friend with me in the evening. I do not know what I'd have done without them yesterday. I was exhausted. I can't believe how much I slept yesterday. I have on a pink sweater and that is the only pink I'm in at the moment but I'm not as shrouded in black.

Must go now and get my things together. They are providing breakfast at work today with a meeting. That is just so we don't feel so annoyed by the meeting. It is mandatory. I don't mind breakfast meetings but I had the lunch one. My lunch hour is mine and when they make us come to those I feel they should pay me for being there. The lunch isn't usually very good and I don't really eat a large lunch often. Anyway, enough whining. Hope you all have a good day.

Long Day Nearly Over

I don't remember any day being this long for a while. I've slept all afternoon. That is so terribly lazy. Tonight I probably will take something to help me sleep if I can't fall asleep. But since I feel so very tired, I don't know that it will be a problem at this point.

If you saw this morning's post you know the day started in a bad way. It didn't get any better but my dear friend, Sarah, from my writing group saw my post and offered to come over and stay with me for several hours. She is just such a wonderful person. To understand this you have to realize that the time she gave me would mean that she would not get to do her three hour writing session. She takes her little boy to daycare so she can have that time allotted for her to write five days a week. He is four and as you most of you know young children are very demanding. Babysitting me meant she wouldn't get that precious time. Still, she came, smiling, and she stayed until she had to leave to get her son. I do not think the morning would have been very good had Sarah not been here. We just talked, mostly about my problems. But just having her here and not having to sit in this house in this silence was such a blessing.

She's just been such a great friend and I just love her. What a gift God gave me when he gave me this writing group. These five people have become such wonderful friends. I tell them all the time how much they mean to me but it seems a small thing just saying it.

After she left, I covered up and lay on the couch watching stuff on the internet for about two hours and then, closed it up and went to sleep. I just woke up. I think I'm starving. I still feel as if I could sleep forever. I know that is just the depression. I'll be ok once I get it under control. I just took St. John's Wort. I've decided that today, hair is of minor importance. I can't live in this darkness forever.

I've called and asked Dave and Becca to come over with the baby for a bit. I am supposed to go to the Y but I'm in such a mess. I don't want to go where there is a bunch of strangers and try to be nice. I have to go to work tomorrow and I'm hoping I will be fine by then.

I'm going for now. I need to get my shower early. I got dressed for work this morning and I've worn those clothes all day. Changing seemed such a chore. I really kept thinking that I'd get all right and could go to work. That passed every time I thought about it. It was terrifying. That's crazy but nears as I can tell you.

Black Monday

All right. It is probably official. I'm severely depressed. The whole weekend was pretty much a wash. I am sorry if you came hoping for cheerful thoughts, good news, or funny stories. I don't have them. I have reached a place where I realize I'm out of answers, out of energy, out of solutions, out of hope.

I don't know why... could it be my life? In general it's in the well. I feel sick this morning. My neck and shoulder hurt and that makes my head hurt. I feel a bit sick on my stomach. And pretty much everything that happened over the weekend served only to drive me into the ground. Hence, the well.

Sometimes there are people you wish you had never set eyes on, never heard of. They are a constant source of pain in every situation. There are also well meaning people who say things that just say the wrong thing with the best of intentions. Both of these just obliterate whatever mantle of control you've maintained. I can deal with the well meaning. It is the fools I don't tolerate so well, less so now.

I've done a bit of writing but not as much as I should. Amazingly enough it has been the only thing that made me forget everything else. I try to pray at times. You'll think I'm even crazier but prayer is dangerous for me at the moment. I can't control the darker emotion enough to even try that. And I dare not go beyond a certain point. All I can really do is say please God, help me.

I was going to work but I called and ask for a personal day. I get three a year. I'm not in a fit state at the moment to deal with that stress. I'm going back and lie down. At least I'm fully dresses... all in black. I guess today it matches my mental state.

Another Snow Day

Snow fell last night. Everything is dusted in white. It is 30 right now and it dropped one degree since I started this!

I finally got to sleep in! Got up at 9:30 and only had a mild shoulder pain, probably because I in an awkward position at some point. I went to bed about nine and watched television shows.I didn't even get online for a couple of nights except to check email and post a blog. I tuned off the computer around midnight.

Then, after lights were out the darkness descended like lead. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Will it every get better or ever stop doing that? When it happens, I can't breath. I can't stop crying. I can't walk. I got up twice because I couldn't lie there. Stuff of nightmares and you're awake. I don't know when I finally fell asleep, probably near two a.m.

Good news is only knee pain at the moment. My blankets were hurting my knees last night. They aren't heavy either. Although I like lots of cover I don't sleep under as much since I got the electric blanket. I have a sheet, the electric blanket, a woven spread with my new spread on top of it. Gives me enough weight to feel cozy and I can set the blanket on a very low setting. Just last night my knees really didn't like it. Sometimes my feet don't either and I have to put a large pillow under the covers near my feet to support the blankets. I know. sounds weird.

I need to get moving now.I need to clean up a few things. The house isn't really messy. Just me around so not much gets out of place. But I think I need to clean off my dresser and change the sheets on my bed.

So, away I go. Hope you all stay warm.

A Week without Pain

I just realized that I've had virtually a whole week with minimal pain. Maybe that is why I've feeling better. My neck, shoulder and upper arm have given me the most problems. I had a couple of days I didn't feel well... runny nose, headache or just felt really tired. But all the other... virtually none.

Wonder how long that will last? The weather is wet and it is still raining. They say snow tonight but I am hoping not. The fact that two low pressure cells have blown thorough and I have little pain sort of blows a hole in my theory of low pressure contributing to the pain. Seriously, go back and browse the blogs. You'll see, despite the stress of the last three weeks that my complaints of pain seem to have bottomed out. I do think I had a back problem about two weeks ago but I really think that is because I was sitting too much at work. But if you ask me what is hurting right now.... the trapezoid muscle and neck to my jaw and cheek bone... all related. That's it.

I'm going to go get a hot shower. Then food. Then, I have about three shows I want to watch. I promised Kat I'd get online tonight around 8. Hope to do that too. I shall do it all enthroned on my bed.

Feeling the Rush!

Did you feel it? That gale force wind that just went through. Yes, that one! What a busy day! I'm nearly done. It is after four and I'm coming up on five with absolute joy.

I'm going home and clean up the dishes but first I have to stop off at the store and pick up some stuff for the writers' meeting. I was going to meet Doug for a sandwich before the meeting but too much to do! He invited the whole group but I think we all are rushing around to get things together and get to the meeting. His wife calls us Doug's Writer's Harem. LOL! She was a real sport about it. Not many women would be so gracious. Takes class to be that way, and in infinite trust. Lucky Doug. Lucky Sharon that she can trust him so much.

I'm feeling better this afternoon, although tired. But I always feel better when the group comes over. I'm lucky to have such a great group of friends. And for the next three weeks we have meetings! LOL, we may be sick of each other by then.... NOT!

Ok, got to go and get the desk organized before I go home. I can't stand coming in to a messy desk. I think somewhere in the photos you will find a photo of my office and my tidy desk. I can't function in all this piles of paper, files and .... junk!

Sometimes, I feel almost normal. I wish it would last.

The Masses

They will start arriving at 8 a.m. this morning. The good thing is that cold, rain, and snow tends to thin the crowd. One can only hope.

I'm not feeling very good this morning. I have a mild headache and am tired. I must have slept like a rock because I don't remember anything after I turned out the light. I was in bed by midnight. Tonight is write's meeting and once that is over I'm going to try to go to bed even earlier. But guess what? I woke up at 6:30. Before the clock. So early to bed, early to rise. I'm not healthy, wealthy or wise. You think it is too soon?

I really just don't feel very good. Runny nose is still giving me fits and my eyes are burning a lot. Not sure what that is but I think it is allergy related. I think the filter may need changing on the central unit. But it could be the RA or fibro.

Ok, work is calling. Got to get going. May not be back until tomorrow.

End of the Work Day

It is winding down. I feel as if I've accomplished nothing. And yet, I've worked solid since I got here. I'm tired and ready to go home. I came in late because of the doctors' appointments. They are probably going to send me back to the orthopedic doctor about my shoulder. They think the pain I have in my arm now is related to the rotator cuff. {sigh} Am I really that old? EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART! Jerry used to say about some of our cars, "It is time to take the radiator cap off and drive a new car under it." I don't think that will happen here. Screw off my head and put a new body... I'm good with that but I'd like some work on the face.

Today I'm depressed. It is dark and gloomy and I'm not looking forward to going home alone. I'll spend my evening writing I think. Unless I spend it chatting or watching something on HULU. Read? I am not really able to do that now. I will be so glad when it gets warm and sunny. I saw pictures today of a sunlit wood and so wanted to take a walk. The nature preserve near my house is a lovely place to go but it would be a veritable bog and cold today.

I'm looking forward to my cruise, so much so I am wishing it was April.

Writer's Meeting is tomorrow night and I'll enjoy the company of my zany group. They are such fun to be around. What lifesavers they have been this last year. Without them and all of you I do not think I'd have survived this ordeal. Certainly not with any sanity intact.

Tuesday in Drab Rags

I do not believe it is another day swaddled in clouds. I'm heartily sick of them. Went back to work yesterday after my four day weekend. Not fun. I was dreading it and I found it just as tedious as I expected. Amazing how that happens.

I have a doctor's appointment this morning at the Rheumatologist at 8:40, and then I have physical therapy at 9:45. I hope the fist gets me in and out in a hurry. Last time I had to sit there for over an hour. This morning, I can't do that. And won't. Waste of my time if they can't get it together. Since they moved her office it is just not efficient.

My aunt and uncle left going home as I went to work yesterday. I missed them before they were out of sight. It is very hard every time they leave, anyone leaves. I do not know that I will ever get rid of this sense of emptiness and aimlessness.

They kept me occupied. Sarah kept us all occupied for a couple of days. She had a tea party on Saturday night with Poppy. I checked email several times over the course of the weekend and I had so many phone calls and emails and people coming on to chat with me I did not have much time to really think. That was a good thing. It felt as if I has all these friends stopping by all weekend. Sunday was so cold and there was so much ice everywhere that we didn't leave the house until noon to find food.

Now I have this hollow place in my chest. I do not think I will ever be able to close it. I could put both fists in it. It never goes away, never shrinks, never fades. It just exist.

Someone asked me a few days ago how I feel now. Odd that structure. Right now I'm depressed and want to crawl back into bed. I'm that way most mornings. I can't. No choices. Compounds the depression. Survival instincts are very hard to snuff out. In this case it would be homelessness and that is probably worse in some ways that death. I can't make it if I don't go to work. I've been very stressed there and it isn't helping. If I'd had any sense I'd have arranged a vacation but they'd have canceled it because of this software thing.

I am a rudderless ship, a kite whose tail isn't long enough, a feather in the wind. My aunt said I'm not getting enough sleep. Going to bed is also something of a chore. I lie there and think unless I'm so exhausted I fall asleep immediately. I'm taking my meds and probably should be in bed by ten. But I'd only be up earlier. This morning, I woke around 6:30 despite having gone to bed at midnight. I'm still not rested even though I am certain I slept hard. I don't think I turned over. I was still on my right side when I woke up. Probably not a restful sleep.

I didn't go to the Y. I have a cold and my nose was running and I've been sneezing. I finally got it under control but I still didn't feel up to snuff. I got on about 8 and wrote with Kat for a few hours. That is always good to keep my mind occupied and this was a bit different. We are working on a joint post. Very hard actually. We've laughed over how hard. If you are writing in first person in separate posts, you both can't do that in a joint post. One of you has to write third person. Kat decided she'd have to do it since I'd already started the post. I told her next time she could do the lead on it and I'd do third. But amazing how difficult it was for me to write my part of the scene and leave her to fill in the blanks without really knowing where it was going. And difficult for her too! Blind leading the blind kind of thing. You'll have to read it once we get it up. LOL, but it is going to be another day at least. We got the rough draft down but we are both certain it needs a review after we've slept on it. So, tonight we go over it again.

I"m off now to go to the doctor's early. Sorry I've been away so long. Just too much going on and honestly, I've been battling the depression and didn't know what to say that would be worth anything. Thank you to all my friend and anyone who popped in that wasn't on my list of contacts. Your notes and comments have been a comfort.

Snow Day!

Another Saturday. And at 7 a.m. my sister who lives here called to ask me if I knew the snow was over the tops of her boots. I was so annoyed. I never get to sleep in! People do this all the time. I'm going to turn off my phone next to my bed. I never get to sleep in for any reason no matter what day it is. I leave the phone on by the bed for emergencies but it isn't ever an emergency.

We can't get out so glad I went an stocked up on some things. I'm going now to make chili and eat. I'll pop in later. We've now taken some photos and will post them after while.

The End of the Day

The day is winding down and I'm stopping in to say thank you to everyone for all the notes, emails, the comments, and blogs on my behalf. Thank you for the prayers. I've checked in a few times and each time was greeted by a special contact.

I've had family with me all day. My sister, my aunt & uncle and my granddaughter. I took flowers to the cemetery but it was bitter cold and the day was gray. We didn't linger. I still can't stand the sight of Jerry's name carved into that stone even now. I carried yellow silk roses. Yellow is for remembrance. I remembered that when I was looking for something to take.

It is snowing now, a steady fall of small flakes. It looks soft and lite.

Sarah was here most of the afternoon and entertained all of us to the point of exhaustion. She went home after it started to snow. We now have several inches and it is 19 degrees!

Now, to bed. Thank you all for being with me today!

Home at Last!

I'm home! My aunt and uncle will be here any minute. My boss did not request I come in tomorrow. I went to him and asked that he please not make me to come in tomorrow. He smiled and said "I'm not going to make you!" I was so relieved. The day has gone pretty roughly for all of us. One error after another that is software related and these people are never available for training!

Anyway, I'm off tomorrow. I did say if there was a disaster that simply couldn't be resolved without me he knew how to reach me. I know, I know! But I in fairness, he has been so good to me this past year. Many times when things got bad he sent me home and didn't dock my pay. I can't complain about it. I do think people don't understand what tomorrow is for me. People are just that way. My friend Carolyn seemed to be the only one who really got it. And a few of the other women I work with who recognized how stressed I've been this week.

Anyway, I'm going to be scarce. I'll have my granddaughter all day if I want her. I'm excited about that. She's just such a joy and lifts my spirits when she is around. So that will help.

I'm going off for now. Just want my feet up. I think they just pulled up.

Thank you all for you prayers. Keep me in them this weekend. Seems so silly to be this stressed over a day. But I can't help it.

Wrong Day

I may have to work tomorrow! I reminded my boss I was off and he said he didn't know if he could let me off. There is nothing I can do for this stupid conversion. Everything is behind. Nothing works right. And I do not want to be here. I'm already feeling down and I just want that day away from this place. I had planned to go to the cemetery and take flowers. It will be dark when I get off.

I worked 4 hours three weeks ago and this was to be my day to compensate me. I'm so frustrated I can't even think. Story of my life.

My Friday

Today is My Friday... It's Thursday and when I get off at 5 today I don't have to go back until Monday. And I'm not feeling well this morning.

I didn't go to the Y last night but stayed home. I watched a couple of shows, one on my living room sofa! Did some surfing at the desk but found my back simply would not stand that. Finally, I went to bed and chatted online with Kat a bit. Then, when I turned out the light, I listened to more of the Graveyard Book. It was a particularly long chapter as it turns out, over an hour! I found myself dozing off with about 15-20 minutes left and not wanting to miss any of it or knock my laptop out of bed, I tuned everything off, put all away and tuned out the light. I lay flat and was asleep almost immediately.

This morning, my back feels a bit better. I'm certain the pain is a result of sitting at my desk so much this week. I'm usually like a jack in the box but not this week. I've not had time for anything but data review and that requires sitting, leaned over your desk and looking from the computer to the paper. Horrendous for your entire back. Since I have back problems at times anyway, it is no wonder I'm having pain.

Today, I'll try to get up more but it isn't promising. Now, must run. I've got to get breakfast along the way. I'm still tired. My aunt and uncle should be here this evening sometime. Pray for good traveling weather for them. It is a long trip and this time of year is not predictable.

Oh My Aching.....

Just got in from work and am relaxing on my sofa in the living room. So nice to be unfettered by the desk. It is a bit chilly in here but I have a snuggly if it gets too cool.

I am supposed to go to the Y tonight but my lower back is really killing me. I think it is because I have spent the last several days tied to my desk at work and not getting up and down as much. I've had this kind of flare up before when we had intensive data entry. It is not good for me.Sciatica flares up if I'm not careful. My leg is already feeling a bit of burn down one side.

I'm so tired I really just want to get a hot shower and relax. Of course the pool is warm but not a whole lot. So, still not sure what I'm going to do.

I'm going now and decided what I will do. Maybe if I just lie down for a bit it will stop hurting. Don't know if I'll be back this evening. Depends on how many aches I have by the time I'm done. LOL.

Hump Day Blues

If the early bird gets the worm what does the late bird get? TO SLEEP IN! And I'm just fine with that. That's why they made McDonald's, so you wouldn't have to grubbing for worms.

Yes folks, it is Wednesday. We're half way TO the weekend or we're half way from the weekend. Whatever you choose. It is freezing wherever you are.

I'm on my way out. Supposed to to go the Y tonight but I truly and honestly need to go to bed early. I watched a couple of shows last night from my bed. LOL, and I listened to another chapter of The Graveyard Book. This is a really good book. I'd say adolescence's book but still listening to the author, Neil Gaiman read it, is just wonderful. Lovely British accent and he does the voices really well. If you haven't read this or heard it, you should visit. I listen to a chapter here and there. Listening to two chapters is why I'm tired. I could get the book from the library and read it but as I said, his voice is just made for reading aloud. I suspect he is a very funny man. Here is the link. The Graveyard Book

Simon is quiet, by the way. I've been getting small flashes of stuff but I really need to get on and brainstorm with Kat. It helps tremendously. I think the back story is complete and now I need to move forward.

So, off to work now. I have physical therapy this afternoon. I don't like the person I got on Monday and I will probably have her all week. Next week I shall schedule early again. Just easier that way.

From My Bed to Your Head

Yipee! Dave got the router going and guess what? I'm writing this from my bed! Yes, I am.

Now, I have a back ache. LOL! I"ll be looking for ways to arrange my pillows for maximal comfort. But, I was able to also watch Castle online ... sitting in bed. Ah, I'm content now. I can leave the study once in awhile.

I probably won't sit up so late now either because I can relax and watch movies if I want instead of sitting in a desk chair.

Ok, enough about my laziness.

I'm tired tonight and have to go to bed soon. Actually, I'm feeling better today. But then, we had sun today. When I got to work, I parked facing the sun... well, I do every day but you can't usually see it! Anyway, I sat there with my eyes closed and let it soak into my face for a few minutes. It was so lovely. I am praying for sunshine through Monday. You might toss in your prayers with me.

I'm going now. I should consider turning out the light.

Snow Dust

If Monday dawned darkly, Tuesday has dawned white. I awoke to a layer of snow on the ground and it is bitter cold, 26 degrees. The mercury dropped like lead yesterday and has pushed farther today. It is a biting cold that pinches your extremities.

Went to the Y last night and am a bit sore in some places but not as sore as I usually am from the other things! I was exhausted last night but still got to bed late. I am not so depressed this minutes and if we could get some sun it might help. I do not have much hope there.

Back to work today to try to learn to use this software. We are getting so backed up and it is so overwhelming. I have all these people coming at me for software questions and I can't answer them. LOL, kind of nice to say you'll have to do what I am doing... learn it as you go. They won't. There are about three of us that will be experts in a year but the rest will rely on those three.

I've asked the kids to come over tonight for pizza so I can see Sarah and so Dave can help me connect my router. I really want to be able to sit in bed and surf the internet or sit in the living room. I love my study but I am staying in this room every minute when I am here either watching television or writing or web surfing. If I can vary that a bit it would be nice.

I have not been able to write the last few nights other than getting the back story down for Simon. That fictional fellow has become much quieter since I began to fill in the background. But I want to go back to the story itself. Kat was asking me last night but I seem to be at a . . . well, call it a pause. I had to clarify somethings in my head.

Anyway, headed for work today. Must leave a bit earlier because of the roads. These folks do NOT know how to drive in this and they tend to be reckless. Snow plows? LOL, the city may have two of them. I've never seen them down here and the few times I've seen any on the road they weren't plowing. It isn't that deep, I don't think. The grass, dead though it is, is visible. But I suspect it isn't going anywhere as long at it is this cold. High is expected to be near 30 today.... brrrrrrr!

Toodle Loo!

Into the Dark

Monday dawns darkly. Very phonetic and so true it hurts your eyes. I can't see a way out of this. I've had brief snatches of diversion over the weekend, thank you Doug and Sharon for Sunday afternoon. You've no idea how very much it helped. And Mike for Saturday. And Sarah got in touch with me last night to check on me. Kat chatted with me a bit, too. All people who have given me so much support. All I can do for them is pray God's blessings on them. My thanks is inadequate but sincere.

But at this point it feels very much like a free-fall. Praying doesn't actually help much. Probably not God's fault.

All very a pretty way to I'm in a pit from which I can't get out. I try and think positive. It will pass. It will get better. All those things that Job's comforters said. I don't actually believe it. I feel absolutely sick right down into my soul. And I'm just tired, not so much physically tired but the kind of tired that caves in on you and pushes you into the floor. I don't know how to explain it. Atlas beneath the world. Bigfoot on your back. Mountains falling on you.

But I have to go out into the dark.

So, I'm dressed for work and the clicking of my keyboard are the only sounds in the house. Darkness swallows up everything else.