I don't know why every night when I start home I get sick to my stomach. I just do. The whole drive home I am nauseous. I feel as if I am going to throw up and the thought of food is horrible. Every day.Mike is here each evening waiting for me and stays until about 9 p.m. so I am not alone then.
When I leave the house for any reason, on my way back I feel this same sickness. I find myself using up my cell minutes to talk to someone while I am driving, something that is a cardinal sin in my view. I never ever talk on the cell and drive. I forbid my sons to drive and talk on the cell with me in the car. I never allow it, ever. Yet now, every time I am in the car on my way home, I call someone to keep me from being sick. But it doesn't really work. I still feel sick.
After work I came home and then, I went and got Sarah and her parents. I took them to the park down the street for a bit and then took them back home. Same reaction. Heading home made me ill.
I don't know why. Dread maybe, of coming home. I don't have anywhere to go and no one to see. This is my home. . . was my home. I sit here looking around and listening. It isn't home anymore. I don't care about it anymore.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
A Fool Returns
I told y'all he'd come back! He did. The Prince1956 of fools sent me a second invitation to be his wife! What an idiot! He can't even read English.
You know, I think this nut is Arab. His site looked like it. So, if America is such a great Satan and a bunch of infidels, why don't you folks leave our women alone? Particularly this one. I'm not interested in any society that views women as property and inferior to men.
He's blocked now.
You know, I think this nut is Arab. His site looked like it. So, if America is such a great Satan and a bunch of infidels, why don't you folks leave our women alone? Particularly this one. I'm not interested in any society that views women as property and inferior to men.
He's blocked now.
Monday, March 9, 2009
The Well Read. . .
I got this from Jilly’s blog and it looked interesting. Here’s what she said.
The BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?
Instructions:
Look at the list and put an 'x' after those you have read - even those you've read more than once! Make sure you delete my X's! When you've finished, tag 10 people to do it too, and put your total at the bottom.
OK fellow bookworms, let's fight dirty!
1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien X
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee X
6 The Bible - X
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens X
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott X
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare X
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier X
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien X
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald X
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne X
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown X
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins X
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood X
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zifon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas X
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett X
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno - Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens X
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White X
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle X
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole X
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas X
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl X
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
Cheated I am! They didn’t list the entire Tolkien series or all of Sherlock Holmes! And who in heaven would voluntarily read War and Peace? I’ve seen several of these in movie form. And some I started but they were just too boring to finish.
The Bronte sisters and Miss Austin were just so dull for me and I just didn't get them. Of course, I don't like modern romances either!
The books unchecked are books I actually chose NOT to read. I'd say there are maybe 10 that I never heard of at all.I don't think this is necessarily a list of "must reads" but some pompous academic's idea of what the educated person would read. What? Harry Potter? Really? I don't think so. Perhaps she is a good writer. Never read her but how does reading her make you any better a person or better educated or . . . anything. My writing prof in college had The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on HIS must read list! But he also suggested "Zen and Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" as well! I didn't rush out to read it but I've considered it a few times. Well, maybe not.
Anyway, take a crack at the list and see how you rate. I figure I'm average.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Idiots Among Us
I kid you not. They still roam the earth freely. And they find their way to my door or my site frequently.
Prince1956 just invited me to be his wife.
First, I doubt seriously you're a prince of any kind.
Second. I wouldn't insult the memory of my husband of 35 years with an internet relationship a month after his death. And not ten years with someone like you. You are a fool.
Third, I wouldn't insult my own intelligence by even considering a connection with you. Read the @#$!@#%#@$ blog, you moron. I am very careful to outline my criteria. I haven't checked your site but you've left no doubt as to your character . . . or your stupidity. I don't do stupid on a good day and you picked a very bad day.
Fourth, any idiot who would even approach a woman like me with an invitation like that is the biggest brainless wonder on the planet. I fervently pray there is NO woman that stupid.
I haven't blocked you, Lurch, because I sincerely hope you return long enough to read this. I'll block you after that.
For my friends who don't know what Lurch is, look up the Addams Family t.v. program and check out the butler. He's a real charmer, too.
Prince1956 just invited me to be his wife.
First, I doubt seriously you're a prince of any kind.
Second. I wouldn't insult the memory of my husband of 35 years with an internet relationship a month after his death. And not ten years with someone like you. You are a fool.
Third, I wouldn't insult my own intelligence by even considering a connection with you. Read the @#$!@#%#@$ blog, you moron. I am very careful to outline my criteria. I haven't checked your site but you've left no doubt as to your character . . . or your stupidity. I don't do stupid on a good day and you picked a very bad day.
Fourth, any idiot who would even approach a woman like me with an invitation like that is the biggest brainless wonder on the planet. I fervently pray there is NO woman that stupid.
I haven't blocked you, Lurch, because I sincerely hope you return long enough to read this. I'll block you after that.
For my friends who don't know what Lurch is, look up the Addams Family t.v. program and check out the butler. He's a real charmer, too.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
This Is the Way We. . .Clean The House
All on a Saturday morning.
Sue is coming over to clean my house. That is Becca's mom. I am going to do her taxes for free so it works for me.
My house is in dire need of it. Not since the funeral has it has a thorough cleaning. I walk around and pick up things but cleaning seems to take a part of the brain that has stopped functioning for me. I wash dishes about ever other day but since it is mostly glasses and utensils, I just don't care anymore. Funny, that used to be a pet peeve when I came home from work.
Of course, I've still got fake plates that people brought for the family to use the week Jerry died and I have used those nearly every day. There are even fake utensils that I've been using. So really the dishes have only been bad when someone else came and cooked and I let them clean up the mess.
Every thing is dusty and needs a mop up too. She is a very good cleaning person. Actually gets behind the toilet! My house always smells so good once she is done.
I need to throw out a pile of stuff. There seems to be junk everywhere but when I look at it I simply stand and stare and have no idea what I am supposed to do. I am not going to be able to function like this. I have to do something but everything is too much work.
I pulled back some of the curtains this morning to allow the sunshine to come in. It is a dark gloomy tomb and I am hoping sunlight will at least push back some of the shadows. I don't imagine it will last very long but just an hour or two of sanity without having to drown myself in some project would be nice.
Already, the drop in my mood is happening. I woke up with it and have not been able to shake it. I'm really tired, as if I didn't rest or something. Those pills are supposed to insure I do. I took a whole one last night and I may today if I can't shake this.
I have to go eat too just in case this shakiness is hunger instead of anxiety.
Oh, I just want my life back. The boring one where Jerry slept in a chair while I did everything else and fussed about it. The one where I could hear him breathing. I wouldn't fuss anymore, I'd just do it.
Sue is coming over to clean my house. That is Becca's mom. I am going to do her taxes for free so it works for me.
My house is in dire need of it. Not since the funeral has it has a thorough cleaning. I walk around and pick up things but cleaning seems to take a part of the brain that has stopped functioning for me. I wash dishes about ever other day but since it is mostly glasses and utensils, I just don't care anymore. Funny, that used to be a pet peeve when I came home from work.
Of course, I've still got fake plates that people brought for the family to use the week Jerry died and I have used those nearly every day. There are even fake utensils that I've been using. So really the dishes have only been bad when someone else came and cooked and I let them clean up the mess.
Every thing is dusty and needs a mop up too. She is a very good cleaning person. Actually gets behind the toilet! My house always smells so good once she is done.
I need to throw out a pile of stuff. There seems to be junk everywhere but when I look at it I simply stand and stare and have no idea what I am supposed to do. I am not going to be able to function like this. I have to do something but everything is too much work.
I pulled back some of the curtains this morning to allow the sunshine to come in. It is a dark gloomy tomb and I am hoping sunlight will at least push back some of the shadows. I don't imagine it will last very long but just an hour or two of sanity without having to drown myself in some project would be nice.
Already, the drop in my mood is happening. I woke up with it and have not been able to shake it. I'm really tired, as if I didn't rest or something. Those pills are supposed to insure I do. I took a whole one last night and I may today if I can't shake this.
I have to go eat too just in case this shakiness is hunger instead of anxiety.
Oh, I just want my life back. The boring one where Jerry slept in a chair while I did everything else and fussed about it. The one where I could hear him breathing. I wouldn't fuss anymore, I'd just do it.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Old Songs
I am tired. I am weak. I am worn.
The rest of the song is lost in the darkness of the storm.
What a miserable day.
The rest of the song is lost in the darkness of the storm.
What a miserable day.
No Escape
Today I am at home reviewing files. This is one of those days my boss suggested I take. Today is NOT a good day for me. Once in awhile I think I am going to go crazy with the barrage of memories, regrets, what ifs, and why didn't I. I get distracted and try to do something constructive only to be slammed again with it all.
I don't know if I have an analogy for what this is like. I can't compare it to anything really. When I was in college psych class, we studied various tests that had given insight into mental illnesses. There was one where a dog was placed in a pen with a bottom that could deliver a small shock. There was a low wall dividing this cage into two section. The floors were independent of one another also. They put this dog in there and sent a charge through the floor. He, logically, jumped the wall to the other side. No shock... for a bit. Then, they shocked that floor. He jumped back over the divider. No shock. Again, this process is repeated over and over until finally, the dog sits in a corner and never moves, despite repeated shocks beneath him. He's reached the hopeless stage where he knows there is no real escape, no real release. So, he sits, no longer even trying to get away from the relentless shocks. If left in this state, he will die because he has become hopeless and given up.
That's as close as I can come to how this feels. Shock, escape, shock, escape, shock. It never ends. There's no way out. No escape.
I don't know if I have an analogy for what this is like. I can't compare it to anything really. When I was in college psych class, we studied various tests that had given insight into mental illnesses. There was one where a dog was placed in a pen with a bottom that could deliver a small shock. There was a low wall dividing this cage into two section. The floors were independent of one another also. They put this dog in there and sent a charge through the floor. He, logically, jumped the wall to the other side. No shock... for a bit. Then, they shocked that floor. He jumped back over the divider. No shock. Again, this process is repeated over and over until finally, the dog sits in a corner and never moves, despite repeated shocks beneath him. He's reached the hopeless stage where he knows there is no real escape, no real release. So, he sits, no longer even trying to get away from the relentless shocks. If left in this state, he will die because he has become hopeless and given up.
That's as close as I can come to how this feels. Shock, escape, shock, escape, shock. It never ends. There's no way out. No escape.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Broken Switches
It seems that every switch to every part of my brain has broken. When I need to think clearly, I can't. When I don't want to remember things, I can't forget. When I need to remember things, I forget. When I try and shut off the fear, I'm overwhelmed. When I try not to cry, I cry. When I laugh, I feel guilty. When I breath, it hurts.
Nothing is working right. Nothing has worked right since January 29. Every thing I was disappeared in a dark frozen night. When the sun came up, I was somewhere else, somewhere I've never been, where I don't know anyone, where no one knows me. I keep looking for the switch to open the gates. They're all broken, too.
I can't get back. I'm caught in a place where nothing is stable or secure. The ground is constantly shaking under my feet. Flight or fight is a continuous struggle in my gut. I feel as if I've been running or as if someone is lurking around the corner to jump out at me.
I'm going to bed. I'm suddenly very tired.
Nothing is working right. Nothing has worked right since January 29. Every thing I was disappeared in a dark frozen night. When the sun came up, I was somewhere else, somewhere I've never been, where I don't know anyone, where no one knows me. I keep looking for the switch to open the gates. They're all broken, too.
I can't get back. I'm caught in a place where nothing is stable or secure. The ground is constantly shaking under my feet. Flight or fight is a continuous struggle in my gut. I feel as if I've been running or as if someone is lurking around the corner to jump out at me.
I'm going to bed. I'm suddenly very tired.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
As Deep as A Grave
I finally figured it out last night. I lay in the dark and truly listened to the sound that has been bothering me so much for weeks now.
It is the sound of nothing, no sound of life, as if all life is shut out. As I lay in my bed, I could almost feel the darkness close itself around me. The house creaked and snapped as the dirt settled over the top of it.
I used to love silence.
It is the sound of nothing, no sound of life, as if all life is shut out. As I lay in my bed, I could almost feel the darkness close itself around me. The house creaked and snapped as the dirt settled over the top of it.
I used to love silence.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Results
My doctor says all my numbers are perfect... except my BP. I've been issued a diuretic. Y'all know what I'll spend the day doing tomorrow? And it is recertification day.... 160 people in 4 hours for six case managers.
He wants me to continue the Xanax but half in the morning and a whole one at night for the next two months. I agreed but when I tried a half one on Saturday, by noon I was feeling it. This is not an anti-depressant. I'm not depressed. There is no dark cloud hanging over my head. I've known severe depression and this isn't it. But it could lead to that.
So, I'll take the drug for now. I do not like mood altering medications. I don't believe in taking them for extensive periods. This particularly med is very addictive they say and I would think so. You don't worry on it. We live in a society where worry is killing us.
I realize now that part of Jerry's worsening depression problem was another symptom of his heart problem. I can't go there now but so many things have become so very clear where his health is concerned and I can't believe that some of the doctors he was seeing never connected these things. He saw the pill pusher about every two or three months. No heart scan for a guy who kept saying he was tired all the time and needed B12 injections? Why would you give those to him all the time and not check to see why he was tired? Did she check his b12 levels? My doctor is doing that. Why didn't she?
I'm going to ask for copies of the medical records and talk to an attorney. I want to know exactly what kind of treatment my husband got or didn't get.
Anyway, physically, I'm probably fine. Watch my diet, exercise, and take the meds and I'll be fine. As long as I don't think a whole lot. My BP is a problem and has been for a while. Not excessively high but not where it should be. I am genetically predisposed to High BP, diabetes, and heart disease. {sigh} And I did aerobics and exercised faithfully for 30 years. So, don't tell me it is all about exercise.
Getting ready to go to bed now. I hope you are all doing well. Please say a prayer for Roselynn. She is going through a difficult problem right now and is also looking for a job. Anyone job hunting probably knows what she is facing there.
Do I feel better? For the next five minutes maybe I will. Or maybe the next 12 hours. I don't know.
He wants me to continue the Xanax but half in the morning and a whole one at night for the next two months. I agreed but when I tried a half one on Saturday, by noon I was feeling it. This is not an anti-depressant. I'm not depressed. There is no dark cloud hanging over my head. I've known severe depression and this isn't it. But it could lead to that.
So, I'll take the drug for now. I do not like mood altering medications. I don't believe in taking them for extensive periods. This particularly med is very addictive they say and I would think so. You don't worry on it. We live in a society where worry is killing us.
I realize now that part of Jerry's worsening depression problem was another symptom of his heart problem. I can't go there now but so many things have become so very clear where his health is concerned and I can't believe that some of the doctors he was seeing never connected these things. He saw the pill pusher about every two or three months. No heart scan for a guy who kept saying he was tired all the time and needed B12 injections? Why would you give those to him all the time and not check to see why he was tired? Did she check his b12 levels? My doctor is doing that. Why didn't she?
I'm going to ask for copies of the medical records and talk to an attorney. I want to know exactly what kind of treatment my husband got or didn't get.
Anyway, physically, I'm probably fine. Watch my diet, exercise, and take the meds and I'll be fine. As long as I don't think a whole lot. My BP is a problem and has been for a while. Not excessively high but not where it should be. I am genetically predisposed to High BP, diabetes, and heart disease. {sigh} And I did aerobics and exercised faithfully for 30 years. So, don't tell me it is all about exercise.
Getting ready to go to bed now. I hope you are all doing well. Please say a prayer for Roselynn. She is going through a difficult problem right now and is also looking for a job. Anyone job hunting probably knows what she is facing there.
Do I feel better? For the next five minutes maybe I will. Or maybe the next 12 hours. I don't know.
Some Days . . .
You just don't want to get out of bed. I didn't feel at all well or rested this morning. I kept having dreams of Jerry walking down the hall, smiling at me or coming around a corner, smiling at me. He was always smiling at me. I even dreamed he was lying next to me with his arm across my waist. I could actually feel the weight of his arm. But I woke up.
I'm glad I've had no nightmares but maybe that's because the reality is nightmare enough. I don't know if these dreams are better. I felt terrible when I woke up, not better. Even my neck hurt again. It hasn't in weeks. I have a doctor's appointment and a mammogram after lunch so my afternoon would not have been at work anyway.
I haven't taken the Xanax this morning and I am hoping I can drop the morning one. I get so sluggish around the middle of the day and I can't think clearly. I have to keep my mind clear. My job depends on my ability to process lots of information. If I keep overlooking things or not doing this correctly, I'll have more troubles.
I haven't even eaten this morning. I'm not hungry. I've had coffee and that's all. Nothing looks good or sounds good. I did eat yesterday -- two meals. So, I don't feel like I'm starving myself. And with my blood sugar disorder, it won't hurt to shed the weight.
It is odd, when I was younger and had no children, I didn't eat a lot and I weighed about 60 lbs less! Jerry and I had one big meal a day and he worked and I was at home. I usually had a sandwich for lunch and that was it. I just never ate a lot until after the kids came along and I had to fix three meals a day. I still kept my weight down until I started college. Then, I got less exercise and ate things that weren't really nutritional. And I got "fat".
I have to go now and get ready for the two appointments. I've spent my morning doing nothing. I have no interest in anything. I read the blogs and posted something else but actually, I just feel as if my mind is empty. It is a unique feeling and one I do not like. I'm wasting the time I have left... that's how it feels. The Bible says in two places to "redeem the time". In other words, don't waste time, make wise use of your time.
Here is one:
I'm glad I've had no nightmares but maybe that's because the reality is nightmare enough. I don't know if these dreams are better. I felt terrible when I woke up, not better. Even my neck hurt again. It hasn't in weeks. I have a doctor's appointment and a mammogram after lunch so my afternoon would not have been at work anyway.
I haven't taken the Xanax this morning and I am hoping I can drop the morning one. I get so sluggish around the middle of the day and I can't think clearly. I have to keep my mind clear. My job depends on my ability to process lots of information. If I keep overlooking things or not doing this correctly, I'll have more troubles.
I haven't even eaten this morning. I'm not hungry. I've had coffee and that's all. Nothing looks good or sounds good. I did eat yesterday -- two meals. So, I don't feel like I'm starving myself. And with my blood sugar disorder, it won't hurt to shed the weight.
It is odd, when I was younger and had no children, I didn't eat a lot and I weighed about 60 lbs less! Jerry and I had one big meal a day and he worked and I was at home. I usually had a sandwich for lunch and that was it. I just never ate a lot until after the kids came along and I had to fix three meals a day. I still kept my weight down until I started college. Then, I got less exercise and ate things that weren't really nutritional. And I got "fat".
I have to go now and get ready for the two appointments. I've spent my morning doing nothing. I have no interest in anything. I read the blogs and posted something else but actually, I just feel as if my mind is empty. It is a unique feeling and one I do not like. I'm wasting the time I have left... that's how it feels. The Bible says in two places to "redeem the time". In other words, don't waste time, make wise use of your time.
Here is one:
Ephesians 5:15-17 (King James Version)
15See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise,
16Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.
17Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.
More Reports on Guardasil
I did several post on this vaccine last year and have been watching for further information ever since. This morning in my email I found these reports. If you have a daughter you want to get this shot for, please do your research first. I have a granddaughter and I dearly hope she never takes this medication.
Maybe I'm just stupid but I can't believe anyone would give a medication to their children without asking for information on side effects up front. I do this each time a doctor wants to change my medications. And since the internet, I look for clinical studies on them. It is in the clinical studies that you find out exactly what happened to people while it was being studied on humans. Be advised, there is even some of that information that is not released.
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/02/24/Spain-Withdraws-Gardasil-After-Illnesses.aspx
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5gIPeSOSkC3zU3Xd4HMRiovY9ri-Q
Maybe I'm just stupid but I can't believe anyone would give a medication to their children without asking for information on side effects up front. I do this each time a doctor wants to change my medications. And since the internet, I look for clinical studies on them. It is in the clinical studies that you find out exactly what happened to people while it was being studied on humans. Be advised, there is even some of that information that is not released.
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/02/24/Spain-Withdraws-Gardasil-After-Illnesses.aspx
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5gIPeSOSkC3zU3Xd4HMRiovY9ri-Q
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The Week Begins
We just got home from church about an hour ago. Mike with me. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to stay. It is so difficult going to that seat and sitting there and Jerry isn't there next to me. So often he'd fall asleep sitting there and I'd be so embarrassed. I'd poke him. I just couldn't understand why he couldn't stay awake at times.
Tonight, I thought, I give anything in the world to be embarrassed if it meant he would be there next to me. And I'd give anything if the all the good memories would flood me as easily as the bad ones do. I have 35 years of memories and most were good ones. Yet, the last three years of our life together have been fraught with his pain and suffering and my frustrations and anger and those are the things that haunt me. The only ghosts in my house are of my own making.
A dear older lady in our church who lost her husband probably five or six years ago came over and spoke to me and said how glad she was to see me there. I just crumpled and said, "I don't think I can stay." She knelt beside me and said, "Oh yes you can." She talked with me a long time about her own experience when she lost her husband and she prayed for me.
I do have a good church. Several ladies came and prayed for me a bit later and of course, I believe in prayer. And I know there is no quick fix. Grief is like exercise. It only gets easier with time. God doesn't heal grief, he comforts. This morning while I sat in the morning service my Bible fell open to a passage I had, at some time in the past, marked in red. I do not recall when or why I marked it. I only mark passages that have special meanings or importance to me. Anyway, here is it.
Lamentations 3:22-26 & 31-33
32But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.
33For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.
Tonight, I thought, I give anything in the world to be embarrassed if it meant he would be there next to me. And I'd give anything if the all the good memories would flood me as easily as the bad ones do. I have 35 years of memories and most were good ones. Yet, the last three years of our life together have been fraught with his pain and suffering and my frustrations and anger and those are the things that haunt me. The only ghosts in my house are of my own making.
A dear older lady in our church who lost her husband probably five or six years ago came over and spoke to me and said how glad she was to see me there. I just crumpled and said, "I don't think I can stay." She knelt beside me and said, "Oh yes you can." She talked with me a long time about her own experience when she lost her husband and she prayed for me.
I do have a good church. Several ladies came and prayed for me a bit later and of course, I believe in prayer. And I know there is no quick fix. Grief is like exercise. It only gets easier with time. God doesn't heal grief, he comforts. This morning while I sat in the morning service my Bible fell open to a passage I had, at some time in the past, marked in red. I do not recall when or why I marked it. I only mark passages that have special meanings or importance to me. Anyway, here is it.
Lamentations 3:22-26 & 31-33
22It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
23They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
24The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
25The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
26It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
32But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.
33For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.
A Sunday
With chocolate sauce? No. Just a cold day. I went to church today and found myself frozen, not just with the chill outside but the one inside. Inside me. Everyone was so sweet and caring. They hugged me and prayed for me and just let me know how much they care. But I was like this huge block of ice.
I sat where we always sat. My aunt called a little while ago and asked why I didn't site somewhere else as I had planned to do. I couldn't. That is where Jerry would have wanted to sit. I didn't know where else to go.
And I stared at the wall where he often stood during the worship service. In my church, people will often move out to the front and the aisles to worship, some to sing, some to close their eyes to pray, some to stand and raise their hands and just offer praise,and some to lose themselves in a dance of joy. Jerry always found his spot along the wall with some of the other men and sometimes he'd clap his hands and sometimes he'd raise them. Sometimes he'd take Sarah if she was with us and she loved being where the action was. She's a little worshiper, you see. But I watch that spot and there was no one there. And I tried to see it but it was just a blank wall and I was too.
I don't remember much of the service, actually. I had taken that medicine and by about halfway through I needed to sleep. Mike and I stopped for lunch and then I came home and he went to his house. I don't think Mike is comfortable here in the house. He said last night he can't sleep here.
Anyway, I'm going for now. I think I will go snuggle under warm blankets and nap for an hour.
You should all go read my sister, Roselynn's blog. It is much more positive than this and I found it quite amazing. And encouraging for her.
I sat where we always sat. My aunt called a little while ago and asked why I didn't site somewhere else as I had planned to do. I couldn't. That is where Jerry would have wanted to sit. I didn't know where else to go.
And I stared at the wall where he often stood during the worship service. In my church, people will often move out to the front and the aisles to worship, some to sing, some to close their eyes to pray, some to stand and raise their hands and just offer praise,and some to lose themselves in a dance of joy. Jerry always found his spot along the wall with some of the other men and sometimes he'd clap his hands and sometimes he'd raise them. Sometimes he'd take Sarah if she was with us and she loved being where the action was. She's a little worshiper, you see. But I watch that spot and there was no one there. And I tried to see it but it was just a blank wall and I was too.
I don't remember much of the service, actually. I had taken that medicine and by about halfway through I needed to sleep. Mike and I stopped for lunch and then I came home and he went to his house. I don't think Mike is comfortable here in the house. He said last night he can't sleep here.
Anyway, I'm going for now. I think I will go snuggle under warm blankets and nap for an hour.
You should all go read my sister, Roselynn's blog. It is much more positive than this and I found it quite amazing. And encouraging for her.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
The Bite of Bed Bugs
I've never seen a one, you know. Our house was always nice and clean. But lately, I've had my own version. Tonight is no exception. I just took my medicine about half an hour ago so I am hoping it will kick in soon.
I've been working on files this afternoon and tonight, between calls from my family. Both have been keeping me sane. I've found waiting too long between the medicine is not fun. I took a half one this morning so I could stay awake. But by noon, I knew I needed the other half. And I should have taken tonight's a bit earlier.
Around noon, I got a lovely card in the mail from a good friend who had also been at the funeral and she related a memory she had of Jerry and I. It was so painful I just fell apart again. It wasn't a bad memory. It was really something beautiful and perhaps someday I may be able to read it without dying inside. I'd like to think so but I am not really convinced. Guilt for all the forgotten things I should have done rolled back over me. He did love me. People saw it all the time. I wonder did I show that I loved him as much? I don't think I did. No one has ever said "I could tell you loved him."
I have a stack of files on my desk now, half a dozen. I've done well over a dozen today and a dozen still to go but I have time for the next batch later in the week. I am keeping away from any memory at all now. I can't think about anything. I have to regain my control and sanity. I can't function like this. I can't face another day. I can't sleep. I can't think. I don't want to.
How will I continue to exist with this weight crushing the breath from me? That's what it does. I can't get my breath at times. Like some fish cast onto the beach, struggling to find its way back to the water. I clutch something, my chest, my stomach, anything just to keep breathing and push back the hurt.
I have nothing to forgive Jerry for. It is all my own guilt. I can't get past it. I can't go around it and I can't climb over it. There is no escape from it. I've asked God to give me some acknowledgement that not only does he forgive me, but that Jerry does as well. Oh, I know that the last thing on Jerry's mind right now is me and my misery but how will I ever get past this point if I can't find some reassurance. I know that Jerry would never hate me but I do.
Perhaps Esau's problem was not that God would not forgive him. Perhaps Esau could never forgive himself.
I've been working on files this afternoon and tonight, between calls from my family. Both have been keeping me sane. I've found waiting too long between the medicine is not fun. I took a half one this morning so I could stay awake. But by noon, I knew I needed the other half. And I should have taken tonight's a bit earlier.
Around noon, I got a lovely card in the mail from a good friend who had also been at the funeral and she related a memory she had of Jerry and I. It was so painful I just fell apart again. It wasn't a bad memory. It was really something beautiful and perhaps someday I may be able to read it without dying inside. I'd like to think so but I am not really convinced. Guilt for all the forgotten things I should have done rolled back over me. He did love me. People saw it all the time. I wonder did I show that I loved him as much? I don't think I did. No one has ever said "I could tell you loved him."
I have a stack of files on my desk now, half a dozen. I've done well over a dozen today and a dozen still to go but I have time for the next batch later in the week. I am keeping away from any memory at all now. I can't think about anything. I have to regain my control and sanity. I can't function like this. I can't face another day. I can't sleep. I can't think. I don't want to.
How will I continue to exist with this weight crushing the breath from me? That's what it does. I can't get my breath at times. Like some fish cast onto the beach, struggling to find its way back to the water. I clutch something, my chest, my stomach, anything just to keep breathing and push back the hurt.
I have nothing to forgive Jerry for. It is all my own guilt. I can't get past it. I can't go around it and I can't climb over it. There is no escape from it. I've asked God to give me some acknowledgement that not only does he forgive me, but that Jerry does as well. Oh, I know that the last thing on Jerry's mind right now is me and my misery but how will I ever get past this point if I can't find some reassurance. I know that Jerry would never hate me but I do.
Perhaps Esau's problem was not that God would not forgive him. Perhaps Esau could never forgive himself.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Missing Pieces
I had a very odd day where nothing much got done. I was supposed to work on files and I had everything planned. I anticipated being ready for file work after noon.
I got up at 8 and I didn't want to but had to have lab work for my Monday doctor's appointment. I was supposed to have it on the 23rd but forgot. Can't imagine why. I didn't take medicine, eat or get my coffee because I wasn't sure if it was fasting or not and the order didn't say. I took the cautious side and didn't eat. I was there nearly an hour despite the fact that there were only two of us waiting for blood work. It was in the hospital out patient lab for heaven's sake.
Afterward, I stopped and got an OJ and a breakfast burrito from McDonald's and ate in the car. That took only another ten to twenty minutes. I like those and it cleared up the hunger pangs.
Then, I went to the funeral home and met with them about the bill. I paid the funeral expenses. I've never written a check that large and it was frightening. And the process was stressful, too. Somehow, this made it final and I knew that I had to get home and take my medicine. It was nearly 11 by then.
Once I got the meds I lay on the sofa and fell asleep and slept until two p.m.! I woke up and still felt tired and had a headache, which I still have. But my counseling appointment was at three so I got my coat and left for that.
I don't actually know what happened at that session. I'm sure it was profound but I simply feel defeated. I'm searching for missing pieces to my puzzle, remember. I'm stressed because I want the whole picture but the missing pieces are preventing it. After searching the room, I suspect my puzzle had a piece missing all along. It is rare but it has happened. I can package the puzzle in the box and take it back to the store and exchange it for one that has all the parts. But I want to find the missing piece.
I will never find the missing piece to the puzzle on my coffee table. I've searched everywhere. Three or four times. It simply isn't here.
I want Jerry home. I want to know what happened. I want to know why I didn't see the whole picture.
And Jerry will never come home. I will never know what happened. I will never know why I didn't see the whole picture. I can't go get a replacement and start over.
I can only finish the puzzle with the missing pieces left out.
I got up at 8 and I didn't want to but had to have lab work for my Monday doctor's appointment. I was supposed to have it on the 23rd but forgot. Can't imagine why. I didn't take medicine, eat or get my coffee because I wasn't sure if it was fasting or not and the order didn't say. I took the cautious side and didn't eat. I was there nearly an hour despite the fact that there were only two of us waiting for blood work. It was in the hospital out patient lab for heaven's sake.
Afterward, I stopped and got an OJ and a breakfast burrito from McDonald's and ate in the car. That took only another ten to twenty minutes. I like those and it cleared up the hunger pangs.
Then, I went to the funeral home and met with them about the bill. I paid the funeral expenses. I've never written a check that large and it was frightening. And the process was stressful, too. Somehow, this made it final and I knew that I had to get home and take my medicine. It was nearly 11 by then.
Once I got the meds I lay on the sofa and fell asleep and slept until two p.m.! I woke up and still felt tired and had a headache, which I still have. But my counseling appointment was at three so I got my coat and left for that.
I don't actually know what happened at that session. I'm sure it was profound but I simply feel defeated. I'm searching for missing pieces to my puzzle, remember. I'm stressed because I want the whole picture but the missing pieces are preventing it. After searching the room, I suspect my puzzle had a piece missing all along. It is rare but it has happened. I can package the puzzle in the box and take it back to the store and exchange it for one that has all the parts. But I want to find the missing piece.
I will never find the missing piece to the puzzle on my coffee table. I've searched everywhere. Three or four times. It simply isn't here.
I want Jerry home. I want to know what happened. I want to know why I didn't see the whole picture.
And Jerry will never come home. I will never know what happened. I will never know why I didn't see the whole picture. I can't go get a replacement and start over.
I can only finish the puzzle with the missing pieces left out.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Midnight Wonderings
I am on my way to bed and decided to stop and put a few thoughts here. I am to see the counselor tomorrow at three. I have to go to the bank, go to the funeral home, and I have brought work home to do over the weekend.
I took my medicine later tonight and I am really tired now and can hardly keep my eyes open. Dave and Mike were both here earlier tonight. Mike left around 9 and Dave around 10. It is strange and I don't know what to make of it but tonight is the first time things have felt "normal", whatever that means. Maybe taking the medicine later makes it work better.
I stayed at work until 6 to tie up loose ends and I was beginning to feel a bit stressed by then. I almost took the meds when I got home but I don't think I can handle another sleepless night and function. I was really dragging the last two days and felt very down at times.
I am not crying at the drop of a hate but I am analyzing things to death. Perhaps not a good choice of words. I'm getting lots of calls from family and friends and that is helping keep me focused on other things for a bit. But the constant analysis of all that happened to Jerry are hard to deal with. I keep trying to understand what happened, how I missed so much, why he didn't talk to me.
I'm going to bed now. My eyes are just too heavy. Maybe tomorrow will bring answers that I can understand.
I took my medicine later tonight and I am really tired now and can hardly keep my eyes open. Dave and Mike were both here earlier tonight. Mike left around 9 and Dave around 10. It is strange and I don't know what to make of it but tonight is the first time things have felt "normal", whatever that means. Maybe taking the medicine later makes it work better.
I stayed at work until 6 to tie up loose ends and I was beginning to feel a bit stressed by then. I almost took the meds when I got home but I don't think I can handle another sleepless night and function. I was really dragging the last two days and felt very down at times.
I am not crying at the drop of a hate but I am analyzing things to death. Perhaps not a good choice of words. I'm getting lots of calls from family and friends and that is helping keep me focused on other things for a bit. But the constant analysis of all that happened to Jerry are hard to deal with. I keep trying to understand what happened, how I missed so much, why he didn't talk to me.
I'm going to bed now. My eyes are just too heavy. Maybe tomorrow will bring answers that I can understand.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Night In An Empty House
It was three in the morning before I got to sleep after I went to bed last night. I don't know if that will happen tonight. I think part of the reason was I took my meds when I got home and went to sleep on the couch for about two hours. It happened again tonight.And it was worse because I was exhausted. Mike was here and tried to get me to go to bed but I was so sleepy I couldn't move. I finally got up when he left and have sat here watching a show on HULU.
I am tired but I am concerned I won't be able to get to sleep again. I see the counselor Friday and I will discuss the sleep problem then. I had a bad day today and if I don't get enough sleep, I may have a worse one tomorrow.
When I got home today I sat and cried for half an hour. Too many questions, regrets, anguish. Such anguish for all that is lost. It is just so empty here. I miss my family. Mike comes over and stays a few hours but MIke and I don't really talk. We are just together most of that time. He is in his own world and that is usually on the phone. It I had cable he would have sat down and watched his shows but I shut that off. We don't do things together. Although Saturday he wants me to go to the store with him to buy groceries. Dave and Becca and Sarah would come over if I asked but I find that my sweet Sarah is too much after a while. I get so tired and the noise begins to get to me. I don't understand that. I adore her and she is such a joy.
When I was at my aunt's I spent time doing things with them and putting a puzzle together with my uncle, watching television. I have a puzzle on the table now but I can't do it. The house is so empty. I feel like I am in a barn rambling around looking for someone.
How long does this last? What am I supposed to do? I can't really write, read, watch television... well, I've been watching videos that I fall asleep during, I can't listen to music, I can't think. I don't know what to do. I feel like running somewhere but there is no where to go.
This evening when I got home, I remembered when Mama died. I was 17 and Jerry and I had just started dating. I met him on November 27, 1973. She died January 2, 1974. I married Jerry on January 11, 1974. Yes, crazy. But it lasted 35 years. Well, we worked hard at it. But I remembered how he was there to pick up the pieces that my life had suddenly been shattered into. He helped me piece them together into a new life and although I suffered such heartache from her loss, he was always there to protect me and give me some sanity. Eventually, I was able to find my own path... but not alone. I don't like being alone in this sense. I like my personal time but Jerry was always in the next room or across the room. I had my own interest but he was always watching and smiling if I looked at him. He moved around and played the television too loud.
This. . . hollowness . . . void . . . this is unbearable. This directionless rambling is frightening. The lack of purpose is . . . is like death itself. I'm buried in a box in the ground.
I am tired but I am concerned I won't be able to get to sleep again. I see the counselor Friday and I will discuss the sleep problem then. I had a bad day today and if I don't get enough sleep, I may have a worse one tomorrow.
When I got home today I sat and cried for half an hour. Too many questions, regrets, anguish. Such anguish for all that is lost. It is just so empty here. I miss my family. Mike comes over and stays a few hours but MIke and I don't really talk. We are just together most of that time. He is in his own world and that is usually on the phone. It I had cable he would have sat down and watched his shows but I shut that off. We don't do things together. Although Saturday he wants me to go to the store with him to buy groceries. Dave and Becca and Sarah would come over if I asked but I find that my sweet Sarah is too much after a while. I get so tired and the noise begins to get to me. I don't understand that. I adore her and she is such a joy.
When I was at my aunt's I spent time doing things with them and putting a puzzle together with my uncle, watching television. I have a puzzle on the table now but I can't do it. The house is so empty. I feel like I am in a barn rambling around looking for someone.
How long does this last? What am I supposed to do? I can't really write, read, watch television... well, I've been watching videos that I fall asleep during, I can't listen to music, I can't think. I don't know what to do. I feel like running somewhere but there is no where to go.
This evening when I got home, I remembered when Mama died. I was 17 and Jerry and I had just started dating. I met him on November 27, 1973. She died January 2, 1974. I married Jerry on January 11, 1974. Yes, crazy. But it lasted 35 years. Well, we worked hard at it. But I remembered how he was there to pick up the pieces that my life had suddenly been shattered into. He helped me piece them together into a new life and although I suffered such heartache from her loss, he was always there to protect me and give me some sanity. Eventually, I was able to find my own path... but not alone. I don't like being alone in this sense. I like my personal time but Jerry was always in the next room or across the room. I had my own interest but he was always watching and smiling if I looked at him. He moved around and played the television too loud.
This. . . hollowness . . . void . . . this is unbearable. This directionless rambling is frightening. The lack of purpose is . . . is like death itself. I'm buried in a box in the ground.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Counting Days
I wonder when I will stop counting days. Every time I see a date I find myself saying things like "That was five days before Jerry died" or "that was ten days before Jerry died" or That was thirty days before Jerry died". I have never been so good a math as I am now. I look at posts that I wrote in the days before and I know exactly how many days it was done before Jerry died, how many days since Jerry died. The 29th of January has suddenly become some bizarre pivotal point in my life and everything I see, say, and do revolves around that date. I automatically calculate where the event lies in reference to the 29.
I also find I can't bear to look at the number 29! It is crazy. I know it i crazy.
I am spending my second night in a vacant house. I am constantly amazed at how empty the house feels. It never felt so before. Dave, Becca, Sarah, and Mike were here tonight for supper. Once they were all gone, I felt the breath leave the house, and the silence set in. I have been watching a video, but it doesn't matter. No sound seems to be able to break this deafening silence that hovers over the place. Even now, as I write, there is a stillness and quiet that is unusual.
I love quiet and have always hated constantly running televisions and radios or stereos. But this silence is unaffected by such things. My cable was disconnected today, and it was very strange to feel as if I should turn on the television since I didn't have that feeling when it was connected. Now, I feel it necessary to have sound.
So many odd things happening.
We notice that Sarah has become fearful for some reason. She stops and looks as if she is seeing something and then gets very frightened. She's doing this at home and here. Of course, I'm keeping a lot of lights off in rooms we are not in, but it is unlike her to experience any kind of fear here in the house. She is two and a half so it could be the terrible twos and a growing awareness of fear that is common to all children.
We also think she may be experiencing some grief and doesn't know how to express it. She knows he is gone. However, this apparent "seeing" things is not unusual for her. When she was less than a year old, we watch her once stare at a door and giggle and laugh for nearly half an hour. We couldn't figure out what she was laughing at since it was a closed door and there was nothing there and she was only an infant. So, we always wondered if Sarah could see angels. I don't know that she is seeing anything at this point, but I know little about such things. I've told her mother to have her prayed for in the event that she is experiencing some distress over all that has happened and it is manifesting as fear. Sarah was in the house the night Jerry died and did witness all the terrible emotional trauma. She had to be affected by it. Pray for her.
It is late again. I must go to bed.
I also find I can't bear to look at the number 29! It is crazy. I know it i crazy.
I am spending my second night in a vacant house. I am constantly amazed at how empty the house feels. It never felt so before. Dave, Becca, Sarah, and Mike were here tonight for supper. Once they were all gone, I felt the breath leave the house, and the silence set in. I have been watching a video, but it doesn't matter. No sound seems to be able to break this deafening silence that hovers over the place. Even now, as I write, there is a stillness and quiet that is unusual.
I love quiet and have always hated constantly running televisions and radios or stereos. But this silence is unaffected by such things. My cable was disconnected today, and it was very strange to feel as if I should turn on the television since I didn't have that feeling when it was connected. Now, I feel it necessary to have sound.
So many odd things happening.
We notice that Sarah has become fearful for some reason. She stops and looks as if she is seeing something and then gets very frightened. She's doing this at home and here. Of course, I'm keeping a lot of lights off in rooms we are not in, but it is unlike her to experience any kind of fear here in the house. She is two and a half so it could be the terrible twos and a growing awareness of fear that is common to all children.
We also think she may be experiencing some grief and doesn't know how to express it. She knows he is gone. However, this apparent "seeing" things is not unusual for her. When she was less than a year old, we watch her once stare at a door and giggle and laugh for nearly half an hour. We couldn't figure out what she was laughing at since it was a closed door and there was nothing there and she was only an infant. So, we always wondered if Sarah could see angels. I don't know that she is seeing anything at this point, but I know little about such things. I've told her mother to have her prayed for in the event that she is experiencing some distress over all that has happened and it is manifesting as fear. Sarah was in the house the night Jerry died and did witness all the terrible emotional trauma. She had to be affected by it. Pray for her.
It is late again. I must go to bed.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
On The Edge
I know I am insane. I know it all sounds so foolish and mixed up. I can't think straight half the time. I will be perfectly normal and it seems as if everything is just as it was. Then, something, a thought or word or fear will bring everything back.
Paying bills was hell. I kept going over how hard we had it for the last year because Jerry couldn't keep track of things and we kept getting overdrawn. I remembered at the first part of January I told him everything was going to be fine because he had finally let me have total control of the assets and we actually had a little money ahead for the first time in a year. He looked so relieved and almost happy. We talked about what we could do by the end of summer. Where we'd go. For the first time in two years we both felt hopeful and as if we had something to look forward to. How very stupid we were.
Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick;". I understand the depth of Jerry's despair. So much hope lost until his heart was too sick to bear it.. Today, I watched as all we'd hoped for slid down into the chasm at my feet.
Paying bills was hell. I kept going over how hard we had it for the last year because Jerry couldn't keep track of things and we kept getting overdrawn. I remembered at the first part of January I told him everything was going to be fine because he had finally let me have total control of the assets and we actually had a little money ahead for the first time in a year. He looked so relieved and almost happy. We talked about what we could do by the end of summer. Where we'd go. For the first time in two years we both felt hopeful and as if we had something to look forward to. How very stupid we were.
Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick;". I understand the depth of Jerry's despair. So much hope lost until his heart was too sick to bear it.. Today, I watched as all we'd hoped for slid down into the chasm at my feet.
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