The Stranger

Staring out the window at falling snow is not a past time I get very often. It seems to be happening more often of late. I like watching it swirl on the breeze and drift to the ground to rest. There is something in that of peace that I've only felt in rainfall. I love violent rain storms, too but I never get to see violent rain storms anymore. I would love to sit in a storm and hear the thunder shatter the sky and watch the lightening tearing across the heavens and feel the beat of the rain in my face. Instead, I have snow. It will have to do but I find snow alone is not much fun.

The world, my world, has become a smaller place, one in which there is little to look forward to or enjoy. I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm simply noting a fact of life... and maybe one of death. I don't know how it changed. I still do several of the things I did before but not so much. I've stopped reading for the most part. I don't listen to music much. I don't watch movies or television much unless I'm bored and then I do it through the internet. And I really do not want to go anywhere. I think I'll start something new only to find that I really don't have the motivation to continue. Nor the energy.

I haven't been writing either. I question whether I really want to write anymore. I'm not sure blocked is even an accurate description. I don't think I'm blocked. I think I'm just no longer me. In fact, I don't know who I ever was. I find no trace of that person. Nothing at all remains of her life or hopes or dreams. Who I was seems to have left the building unannounced and with no forwarding.

I've had to come to terms with some things about myself and none have been flattering. I'd rather not share those. Perhaps that is why that person no longer exist. I don't laugh as much. I don't find certain things funny any longer. I find more things infinitely sad. Mostly, I just do not know who I am. I don't actually think I even care. Sometimes I do, but often I simply look away from the mirror.

I'm playing records today. I can't stand even looking at some of the covers, never mind play them. They aren't my records. They are our records. If I play them I can see things that happened, hear things that were said. I can feel things I felt. This is not fun for me. So, I pulled out an old set of Glenn Miller records from Time Life that belong to my sister and have no emotional connection for me. Moonlight Serenade is playing right now. And I see Jerry grinning at me as I drag him out of his chair and force him to dance with me. He was such a bad dancer but just to put my head on his chest was all I wanted and feel his arms about me.

In defense you become someone else. Someone who is not connected to anything at all. You become adept at pretense, a brilliant actor. While inside you are a quivering mass of stage fright. You don't know your lines. They changed the script.

You find outlets that are meaningless because that is the only way to function. People who meant something are different because the person you are now is dealing with strangers. You have to get reacquainted with every person the old you knew. And people you thought you cared about.... you don't. You hear yourself say that you didn't realize how tired a certain person made you feel. You are surprised by the revelation!

You find yourself thinking about stupid trivial things because to think of anything weightier would require someone to talk to about it who understands you and will listen and still love you when you're done, who might actually agree with you.

You spend a lot of time just staring out the window, watching the snow fall and wondering about the stranger that has taken over your life.