First Sunday of the Year

I have been here all day at my desk, cleaning out bins and boxes and paying bills. In fact for the last three days I've been throwing things away all over the house... even discarding books. Becca saw me last night boxing books and she said, "Mom... you're getting rid of books?"

I said, "Yes. I'm getting rid of books." I never get rid of books that are shelved because that means they are special to me. They are all hardbacks except for a few paperbacks I found stacked that I had already read. I suspect in the coming months, I'll be getting rid of more of them. My intention is to be rid of nearly all my books in the next year. I will take it slowly as these are all books I love and feel comfortable with them around me. It isn't a resolution, just an intent. I had a desire once to have room in which all four walls were covered in books. Jerry was going to make one for me. I no longer have the desire. Now, it seems I want all of them gone. I was studying the bookcase in the guest room. I have a shelf of Christian books, a shelf of history books, a shelf of more classical literature, a shelf of children's books, and a shelf of textbooks on Anthropology, photography, geology, psychology, business law, journalism, and political science. I had an eclectic education at university. They all need to go.

It all has to go. I have too much weight. I look around and think of all that would have to be done if I were to die suddenly. I can't bear the thought of my family trying to sort through all that I have clung, too. I have had to deal with all that Jerry left behind. It has taken two years of picking up things and trying to let go. I still have things here that were his that really don't need to be here. I can't do that to other people. Mike would be crippled by the choices if that happened. I have to get rid of everything I can. I can't take them with me. They mean nothing to anyone else.

I gave Becca my solid oak table Saturday. It is one long table, no inserts, that seats six. It still has the original ladder back chairs I bought to go with it. Virtually impossible to tear up ladder back chairs. I bought that thing new and unfinished in 1988. I stained it, finished it and raised my family around it. Twenty-two years of meals, games, school work, and memories. I've no need of it now. I've told her if she decides she no longer wants it it must come home. I don't think it will. If she takes care of it, it will last another 50 years. Oak, when cared for, last forever.

I've filled five trash bags with paper. Paper! Why do I have all that stuff? I started Friday and began making piles. I went over and over them, each time throwing more and more away, wondering why I kept it the first time. Then, wondering why when I made the pile I still hung onto it. I went through some things half a dozen times but each time, more went out. I've tossed a pile of old cassette tapes, maybe 50 of them. I have a player but I threw a bunch away. I kept those I really liked and may actually play. I wish I could get them onto a CD and then I'd toss them for good. I have all the tapes that were my and Jerry's favorites.

Today, it is the business end of things I am working on. I have to prepare for tax time and my desk is buried and has been for months. I'm sorting the remodel items so they are easy to locate and I'm tossing stuff that has been lying around for a year... I don't know why I put it in my bill bin.

I will be sorting the "paid" bin, too. I usually keep paid things a year and then decided if warranties are a factor. If so, they go to a special file. Everything else will be tossed.

It is a tedious task that I hate, more now than before. Probably because I am shedding things I would not normally shed. But then my life is no longer normal. The image that came to mind when I typed that statement was of a train depot. I'm standing on the platform looking at my watch. It is cold and windy and people are milling around while I stand with my suitcase at my feet, waiting.

I'm off now. Still trying to get things sorted out. Mike called to see if I was going to church. I honestly haven't decided. I hate to stop and leave this mess. I've been doing that every night for the last couple of days. I'd kind of like tomorrow to be a day I don't do anything but relax. It will be the only day for ten days that I do if it happens.

I hope everyone's New Year is off to a good start. And I hope it brings all of us better times.