Monday Flop

I came home at 3 with a headache. I've had it most of the day. Had lunch with Doug and thought the food would help but it didn't. I got worse. Once home I put on my p.j.s and went straight to bed and slept until 5:10 pm. I got up and at supper.. grits and a cherry preserves on small biscuits. I bought those biscuits by mistake. They are about the size of a half dollar but actually, for me, three is all I need.

I did have a nice chat with Doug and we've settled on a challenge to get us writing again. He's been given notice that his job will be gone in the Spring as the result of a corporate buy-out. Do say a prayer for him. He has four children under the age of 14 and his wife only works a part time job. It is going to be very difficult for them if he doesn't find something. He's in telecommunications so I don't know what the market is like here. I would hate for them to have to move. Doug and his wife have become good friends and I need all of those I can get.

I did take my Imitrex but I'm not a great deal better. I still feel sickly. I'm going to bed soon. The weather here is iffy. They don't predict any ice or snow here until maybe tomorrow. I went to the store because I was out of milk.... happens with impending storms. Actually was out over the weekend and forgot to get it. I picked up breakfast things because I was out of that too and some fruit and a veggie tray. And I picked up a drink called Naked. Health drink with fruits and or veggies in it. Becca keeps telling me to try carrot juice.She bought a Jack LaLane juicer last year and used it a lot at first and now she's back on it. She got really sick for a while with her blood sugar and says she's doing better drinking the carrot juice.

So, I told her I'd try it. I like juices but I'm not very motivated lately. I can't begin to say how tired I am. I have come to realize that working takes nearly every ounce of energy I have to function. By the time I get home it is almost too much. I don't have a solution since I am not independently wealthy and the small pension Jerry left is nowhere near what I earn. It simply allows me to remain solvent. So, quitting my job is not an option.

What I've found is I'm good for several hours after which I need to rest for a couple of hours. Then, I'm usually good for several more. But working, I don't have a way to break that up and as a result, I'm not recovering so quickly. I've tried to help myself by getting other people to do things like cleaning the house for me but it is hard to find good help. Becca's mom moved away. Becca is in school and hasn't time anymore. And there are few people I trust in my home alone. So, I don't know. Hiring a service would be far more expensive that I want to pay.

Anyway, I'm going now. I think I will take my computer to bed and watch a movie. I bought the Prince of Persia and want to see it. My neck and shoulders are just killing me tonight. I'm doing some things I think are aggravating it. Since I moved my desk at work the keyboard is too high and I can't lower it. I need a keyboard tray but the one I had won't work on the opposite side of my desk. And I need it there. Don't say ask maintenance to fix it... won't happen. I may find me a wheeled stand to slid under my desk, that might work, not sure. I can purchase a clamping keyboard tray for about $100 and will probably do that. Easier than dealing with the strain.

Ok, enough. I'm getting off here. Stay dry, stay warm, and wear grippers on your shoes!

What Follows A Sunny Weekend?

A gloomy Monday, of course! The sky is overcast but we did not get the projected rain. It could be tonight but I'm hoping this one will pass us by. I can deal with snow but the ice is no comparison. It is far more dangerous.

I am going to meet Doug for lunch today and I scheduled a writer's meeting for the 10th. I'm a bit tired of waiting for everyone to get it together. I have four or five people who want to meet up and I'm just going to do it. Doug emailed back and said he was glad I had done it because he needed it, too. Then he suggested lunch. I jumped on that. One thing about Doug, he is funny and sets my brain in motion. We can talk about writing and maybe I'll do more than sit in my chair when I get home.

I downloaded a sweater pattern over the weekend for Sarah and I'm going to attempt my first crocheted garment. We'll see how it goes. Then nice thing about crochet is it is so forgiving. If you make a mistake virtually no one will see it and you can always pull it out and start over! I haven't done a garment before so this will be a bit of a challenge. I used to be up to challenges.

Biggest drawback is my neck. I have a terrible neck ache after making some of those swiffer socks. Not sure if I need stronger glasses or light or what but I've got to work on the posture.

I'm off for now. Been working on this off and on for 45 minutes.

What Happened to the Snow?

I melted but here's the outlook for the next three days. Bleak, I tell you....
http://www.14wfie.com/story/13935925/wintry-mix-headed-to-the-tri-state-on-monday

Winding Down the Weekend

Found this in my drafts and do not know why I didn't publish it. Probably because it seems unfinished. But since I can't go back and what I do say is important to me, here is it.


I don't know about you but Sunday afternoons are the hardest for me. I have the realization that I must go back to work tomorrow but I also feel so tired from all I've done that it is just a daunting thought.

Sarah and I had a fine time and she is napping now. Must get her up soon but getting her quiet is always a feat so the thought of waking her up is a bit hard to handle.

I've posted a few photos of her in her new pajamas, jumping around the den. And in her Sunday Go To Meeting clothes with her hair all dolled up. Of course, after a ride to church and rubbing her head around, her hair is not quite as chic. That's why I take the photos before church.

I also have a few videos that will be up later. They take time to upload and then, you may have to watch them tomorrow! Annoying but too true.

I've really got to find a way to put these video on a dvd and keep them. It is nice having them here but I think someday Sarah might like to have a keepsake, when I and the blog are gone. It is the kind of thing I wish I had of family and of Jerry. Of course, she could probably care less but just in case.

I spent most of the weekend avoiding thinking about Jerry except for the time we went to take flowers. No one does that but me. Mike goes with me at times. I know Jerry is not "there". But we both held similar view about this. People should not be forgotten. And a trip to the cemetery is not a chore.

For me, and for Jerry, it is a gesture of respect and love. We both hated not being where we could visit our parents graves. He had talked about going home in the summer and visiting his folks grave. He so loved his mother and it was very hard on him when she died. The weekly calls to her meant so much. Not being able to visit that grave was painful for him. And were I the one in the ground, you would find him there every moment he could be there. So, while I do not go as often as I know he would, I go. Mike goes. I take Sarah because I want somehow to instill that same respect in her. People, people you love should not be forgotten.

Day of Mourning

End of a Long Cold Week

I'm here at last. I'm exhausted. My cold is hanging on. I had diarrhea all afternoon and last night. I felt so bad I did not get Sarah but my sister had her for a bit so that was good. I sat and watched t.v. and crocheted another Swiffer sock for Becca.

She now has three different colors to use. I'm going to make some for my friend Carolyn. We were talking about the sock the other day and she said she used a Swiffer and that she has a cotton sock that you tie on. The one I have I think it better because it is stretchy and slips on and is reversible. So I'm going to give her a couple.

Good news... my vacation was approved!



Now, I have to buy the airline tickets. I'm really excited about this. I think it will be one of the most exciting things I've done in a long time. I loved my overseas trips in the past. I love seeing new places. I've got to get money sorted out, too. Must call the bank.... And I want to get a really good camera!

I actually have from May 28 through June 12 off work so I just have to coordinate where I will be and when and how!

I'm at work and must get back to it. Just wanted pop in and give the news.

Looking for Answers

I've been looking for sources, particularly weekly newsletters, for widows that are Christian based. Actually, there don't seem to be any. Why is that? Are we less important than a drug addict, an alcoholic, a paralyzed person? Do we have no need for spiritual encouragement? Is our situation of so little concern that it is considered a waste to provide such items? Are they so few of us that it is deemed low priority?

It astounds me to find that this appears to be a common problem. Go look at your favorite support website, whether Christian or not. Come back and tell me how many articles or newsletters you find there that deal with the death of a spouse or other loved one. This is begging the question but I'm willing to bet it is slim to none.

You can google "grief newsletters" and you will find lots of items on grief. But not a single one of the major Christian based sites such as Bible Gateway, Christianity Today and several others has anything remotely resembling these carried any newsletters or devotionals. I know because I looked.

The print industry has mass quantities of books on grief. But I can tell you quite honestly that during the first year and a half, reading is nearly impossible. You can't think. You can barely remember how to put a meal together. Focusing on novel length, self-help manuals is not possible for most people going through this. Planning a strategy to combat the horrible effects of grief are equivalent to scaling Mt Everest. You will eventually get to the summit but the road is through hell. Reading for content is not something most of us can do.

For some reason the items I found on Google that seemed helpful at first glance were in little known, under advertised, and obscure sites solely about grief. They come with many titles and in many guises, some barely related to the healing process. One was called "Creative Funeral Ideas" and the banner was . . . festive. I was totally put off by the flippant sound of that. Why would you need creative funeral ideas? How far in advance do you need to plan such an event? Funeral homes have funeral directors but this title alone would indicate that one would need something far more talented than a simple funeral director, sort of like a wedding planner. It made me angry.

There seems to be a huge number of blogs by widows now. I'm no longer doing something unique, apparently. I read a few and found it odd to read my feelings scattered over the internet, written by strangers. After reading a few, I wondered again why anyone would read about my experience. It is so depressing... particularly if you are on the same train.

This morning I was reading the comments on one such blog and found it surprising how much everyone sounds the same. The stories related were like echos, differing only slightly because of the shape of the lives in which they resonate. All had a similar complaint. There is no support, no resources readily accessible to widows in their cities. Their friends seem to have deserted them. Churches don't see them.

Don't get me wrong, major and some mid-sized cities do have support groups but most groups are geared to seniors. I was 53 when Jerry died. I would have been very uncomfortable in a group of over 60 widows I think. And there seems to be a huge number of young widows, below age 50. We're at war, remember. One place stated that there are over 13,000,000 widowed person in the United States and of these, 11,000,000 are women. The men tend to remarry. Probably younger women.

So with that in mind you would think resources would be fairly prevalent. I suppose the increase in blogs is a defense mechanism we've taken on ourselves because we are dissatisfied with the lack of an effective and inexpensive support system. I mean, consider the cost of counselors, books, and seminars for all kinds of problems. It is an industry. Widowhood is not a mental illness but it can lead to them. It isn't a physical aliment but it can lead to them. There are treatments for the symptoms, just as any other disease, but no cure. Yet, there are very few places one can go for help. Most of them cost something.

I was fortunate to have health insurance that covered a grief counselor. I suspect it was pretty much a waste of money as I don't feel a lot better than I did before. You go because you hope there is a cure. There isn't. You go because you're afraid of monsters only to discover they have no defense against them. There is no armor, no shield, no weapon that will repel them. You simply fight bare fisted and hope you are left standing at the end or at the very least that you can crawl off the field and live to tell it.

Overall, I'm unimpressed with my search for resources. I am not hopeful or comforted. I wonder how the other 10,999,999 feel?

One Day

One day ..... I've spent years thinking that way about all kinds of things. One day we'll visit Europe and see castles. One day we'll own our own home. One day we'll have children. One day we'll get the house fixed. One day we'll go on a nice vacation and sit by the pool all week. One day we'll buy a new car. One day. . . . I've done those things and more besides.

But I never said, "One day I'll be a widow and live alone." The thought never crossed my mind. It was beyond the scope of my imagination. It just isn't something for which you plan or dream.

One day.... so much crammed into that phrase. We say it with so little regard to the impact it actually has on our life.

I restate something I said long ago in one of the early grief blogs. Why is so little known about an event that has or will affect every human being on the planet? Is it because we hide so much of our grief from those around us? Or is it because no one really wants to talk about it? Or is it because most of the world lives in denial that it will ever happen to them? One day.

In one day a global event happens to you personally and only those closest to you even notice. They will forget just as quickly. You will relive that one day for years.

One day can change your life and last forever.

One day. It wasn't supposed to be a bad day.

To The Forgotten

Author unknown.

He was getting
old and paunchy
And his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion,
Telling stories of the past.

Of a war that he once fought in
And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies;
They were heroes, every one.

And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they knew whereof he spoke.

But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For old Bob has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For a Soldier died today.

He won t be mourned by many,
Just his children and his wife.
For he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.

He held a job and raised a family,
Going quietly on his way;
And the world won't note his passing,
'Tho a Soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth,
Their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing,
And proclaim that they were great.

Papers tell of their life stories
From the time that they were young
But the passing of a Soldier
Goes unnoticed, and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution
To the welfare of our land,
Someone who breaks his promise
And cons his fellow man?

Or the ordinary fellow
Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country
And offers up his life?

The politician's stipend
And the style in which he lives,
Are often disproportionate,
To the service that he gives.

While the ordinary Soldier,
Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal
And perhaps a pension, small.

It is not the politicians
With their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom
That our country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger,
With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out,
With his ever waffling stand?

Or would you want a Soldier--
His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common Soldier,
Who would fight until the end?

He was just a common Soldier,
And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us
We may need his like again.

For when countries are in conflict,
We find the Soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles
That the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor
While he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage
At the ending of his days.

Perhaps just a simple headline
In the paper that might say:
"OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,
A SOLDIER DIED TODAY."

What?

Honestly, I sat here and tried to think of something to blog and as of right now... there's nothing. So, I think I'll get a shower and see what the hot water does for me.

And Here Comes Monday

Arriving with a freezing blast and smacking me full force as I opened my eyes. The days do not move at a consistent rate. The weekend actually seemed rather long and tedious. Mike came Saturday but we just sat around. We did go and get Sarah and take her out for a hamburger... well she had one. We waited and went to Penn Station with her so Mike and I could have a real sandwich. And we spent the afternoon with her here. I read stories to her and Mike did his laundry and watched some old t.v. shows.

Once I took the two of them home, one on one side of town and the other on the opposite, I did some crochet. I made Becca a Swiffer sock. I actually started it the night before. Yes, you heard me. I crocheted a sock like item to go on the Swiffer so she could save the $15 it cost to by those silly tissues to do the floor. Ten of them cost nearly $15. This is reusable and washable and if she had bought the yarn, about $8 and I can get probably three or four socks out of it at least. This is reversible. One side can be used for dusting and the other for moping. the dusting side had a nubby finish that picks up dust while the opposite side is smooth for moping. When you are done, toss it in the laundry. I'm making the several for her so she'll always have a clean one.

Actually the first one, a pink and white one, was almost too pretty to use on the floor. Her Swiffer is pink and doesn't have the built in sprayer. It is the mop part. If you don't know what a Swiffer is, you can Google it. Anyway, I'm now making a blue and white one. I'll try and post some photos when I'm done.

I am leaving a bit early for work. Snow fell again last night and I don't know how the roads will be this morning but I'm taking a snow route just in case. Last night my drive was slippery because the snow melts a bit and then freezes again. This morning, great sheets are sliding off the room.

I don't feel well myself this morning. It isn't the pain so much as it is just this malaise. I simply want to go to bed and stay there. I'm tired. I go to bed but get no more than 6 hrs of sleep but when I wake I'm not refreshed. So it seems pointless. But if I'm not getting enough sleep, why do I wake up? I can remember when I needed 9 hours at least to keep going. I haven't been able to get that for years. Nearly 8?

So, teeth brushed and hit the road. Sarah is still sick with a bad cold so keep her in your prayers. She is just so small we get frantic when she gets sick.

Where I been....

I got the link from Kat's blog. Very cool! But I had to do two to get it all in. Maybe this year I'll add Britian!



visited 12 states (24%)
Create your own visited map of The United States
visited 4 states (1.77%)
Create your own visited map of The World

More Bird Crap?

Link

Litterally? Well, I could not use the other word! Anyway, has anyone ever heard of a flock of birds making this kind of mess? I mean, how big would the flock have to be?

Even more interesting is how big would the birds have to be?!!

Snowed In

I took a sick day. I am exhausted. I have a cold. My back was bothering me. Take your pick. My drive is long and I'm not about to try and shovel it with a bad back. Last time I took a broom and swept a path I could navigate but this is more snow and wetter. I may try and get it clear in a while, when the sun is higher but without a shovel, I'm hard put to move that much snow.

It is lovely outside but at 7 degrees... I'll stay right here where it is warm and cozy. I'm reading news as I stumble across it. Obviously you have seen the items I've posted in the last two days. I begin to think that the whole world has gone insane. Has it been this way long? Have I lost touch with reality and the world by not having television that I missed it? My real fear is that there are more of "them" than there are of "us". And they breed.

I'm headed back down the hall now to finish a something I've started. I have moved some things around and am sweeping. This is a terribly dusty house! I really wish I could get my washer and dryer out of the main part of the house. I believe that is what causes so much dust. This summer I am thinking I will try one month with no dryer and see if it makes a difference. If it doesn't then I'm fine. If it does, I must find a way to correct the problem. I also need the duct work cleaned. That's a bit expensive.

I'm considering the last week of May or first week of June as my trip across the pond. I'm going to put in my request this next week so I need all my buddies in England to let me know if that is a good time for a cousin from the Colonies to visit. I need to get it approved and purchase tickets NOW to get the best price. The last weekend is May is a three day weekend because of Memorial Day. I've been going to the cemetery on that day because they do a Veterans' Memorial service. I'd have to forgo that this year. My plans are to travel on a Tuesday or Thursday... it is cheaper because they are off days. It would mean I'd use less vacation time as well. I'd like to use ten days to take the trip and return.

So, those of you who offered to put up with me let me know if this is a convenient time.

Now, I'm off for a bit. No doubt I will be back because there isn't much to do here.

Woman who fell into fountain faces theft charges, has criminal record

Link
The plot thickens.... now we know why she needs money, I mean aside from her unemployed mate. She has fines! And look at her rap sheet!

Pray tell, what is "Practice Probation"?

Life is so much stranger than fiction. I don't really think I could write this stuff. I would never believed people could do these things. At my age you'd think I'd have gotten it by now.

I wonder if she'll sue this paper for putting all this out there? Honestly, has she kept her mouth shut, no one would even know who she is, where she is, or what she had done. The woman could have moved to any place and gotten lost. But no, she had to identify herself as the klutz, get her face in the paper, on t.v. and internet and tell every person exactly what she is made of. Astounding. Or as the Walrus said... Curiousier and curiousier.

DA: Oversight failure enabled Philly abortion mill

Link

Can it get worse? Sure it can.. please note the reasons stated as to why the state continued to allow this monster to continue to execute babies... because race, social-economic status of the women, and the "political football of abortion".

We now know the women are the victims of deceit. Land sakes! Take the whole cake! Poor unfortunate things didn't know how pregnant they were? If they had been aware of how far along they were they would surely not have elected to have an abortion? Hogwash!! Six weeks or six months, what difference does it make? This is splitting hairs at the microscopic level. You can't tell me none of these women more than six months pregnant did not know that was a living child in their bellies. They move, stretch, kick and turn over. You have to be comatose not to know! I carried two, I know! From 4-5 months you start spending long nights in the bathroom because they sit on your bladder!

Someone needs to grow a pair and stand up to this ridiculous issue. We are talking about human beings. If you are old enough to have sex you are old enough to know about birth control. If your religion won't let you use birth control where do you get off saying it will allow abortion? What kind of logic is that. You are stupid. If you don't want a baby, get sterilized. The world will be better off if you don't procreate.

This man was successful because these women wanted his services. They weren't forced to his clinic. They sought him out because they knew he offered late term abortions. Don't tell me income was a factor either. Look at the charges for those abortions. Poor people, particularly single women do not have that kind of money floating around. Where did they get it? Who paid? Medicaid? Very likely. Taxpayers? Of course!

I work with low income families. Let me tell you the first thing we think when someone comes in with a $50 nail job and a $75 hair job and $50 perfume....and no money reported. Nah, I don't have to tell you.

This is not misguided women who didn't know any better. Unless his patients were all mentally challenged, they knew exactly what they wanted, where to go to get it, and how much it cost. They were prepared for the costs which means they have an income source. Takes time for a low income person to come up with $500 to pay the light bill. These people were able to come up with what is about a three month average for a low income family. That takes a reasonable intelligence. I'm speaking as if they had good sense. It is their morality and their ethics I question.

I'm guessing there will be even more horrors to unfold in this psycho drama. And the more I read the more disgusted I get.

I'm going to get mail. I know it. Just save it. I don't care. It is wrong and all parties concerned are guilty. Will we ever know how many babies were murdered? Do we want to know?

Do they have the death penalty in Philly. Not sure if they do or what manner it is but ..... scissors come to mind. Or perhaps prison... not sure how the criminal population in prison looks on such monsters. Not well I suspect.

God help us we have become monsters everyone.

January

I seem to be in a very verbose frame of mind today. Perhaps it was getting off early that set me on this course. Maybe the snow and the quiet and the warm room have all combined to generate this unremitting desire to say something, to pour out something. Since I have no idea what it is, I can only dash off a blog and hope that something meaningful spills onto the page.

What I really hate is this directionlessness, as if I'm in an open field wandering aimlessly first to the left, then to the right, then in a circle and back to the left and right and... that's how it is. When I wake up, when I leave the house, come back and go to bed, always this sense that I'm simply wandering around with no thought of where to go or what to do.

I do not know what this stage is called. I have no idea where I am on the scale. Eighteen months to two years is the range they gave me for recovery. Is this the anesthetic wearing off? Is this the confusion and disorientation you feel coming out of open heart surgery? I've no idea.

I only know that at some point I ought to wake up and it will be daylight. I will get up. My head will be clear. I won't feel like I'm a buried under a truck load of dirt. I won't get sick at the sight of a photo, the sound of a song, or a random memory. I will walk in the rooms of my house and know why I enter each one. I will read all the books I've left lying around for two years and get past the first chapter. I will write more than two paragraphs of new novel and pick back up on the other four I left behind. I will be able to look at Sarah without feeling a sense of loss that was not mine but is.

I was looking at some sites about stages of grief and there is no real consensus about any of this. It is either three phase, five stages, or seven stages depending on who wrote the article. Doesn't matter. The three phases sound much more familiar.

• Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation).
• Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss).
• Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life).

I seem to be somewhere between N & D. Wandering around, of course, on that great plain. I can't reenter a more "normal" social life because what is normal for me is not possible. I wasn't actually very social to start with. Really. I spent all my time with my family. Now, I spend all my free time, most of it anyway, alone. I work 40 hrs a week with people I've know more or less 13 years but frankly, do not actually see except for work duties that may arise. Mostly we stay in our offices. My largest outside contact is with people here.

Honestly, October was horrible because of the renovations. That was traumatic and stressful because he wasn't here to deal with it. November was stressful because the holiday season began and Jerry was absent. December things became worse for me, particularly when I was alone.

But January has been terrible emotionally. My anniversary on the 11th of January passed unnoticed by all but me. It's o.k. really because most people never noticed anyway but Jerry and I. Even the kids never got it. I was at Court Street that day and was talking to a girl there. She wished me a happy anniversary. But it wasn't really. He's dead so there are no anniversaries. There are "would have been married's". This year would have been 37 years. He would be 62 this year. He was getting close to retirement age and was so excited about that.

Now, January 29 will arrive in a ten days. It is our second anniversary.

I hate January.

The Stranger

Staring out the window at falling snow is not a past time I get very often. It seems to be happening more often of late. I like watching it swirl on the breeze and drift to the ground to rest. There is something in that of peace that I've only felt in rainfall. I love violent rain storms, too but I never get to see violent rain storms anymore. I would love to sit in a storm and hear the thunder shatter the sky and watch the lightening tearing across the heavens and feel the beat of the rain in my face. Instead, I have snow. It will have to do but I find snow alone is not much fun.

The world, my world, has become a smaller place, one in which there is little to look forward to or enjoy. I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm simply noting a fact of life... and maybe one of death. I don't know how it changed. I still do several of the things I did before but not so much. I've stopped reading for the most part. I don't listen to music much. I don't watch movies or television much unless I'm bored and then I do it through the internet. And I really do not want to go anywhere. I think I'll start something new only to find that I really don't have the motivation to continue. Nor the energy.

I haven't been writing either. I question whether I really want to write anymore. I'm not sure blocked is even an accurate description. I don't think I'm blocked. I think I'm just no longer me. In fact, I don't know who I ever was. I find no trace of that person. Nothing at all remains of her life or hopes or dreams. Who I was seems to have left the building unannounced and with no forwarding.

I've had to come to terms with some things about myself and none have been flattering. I'd rather not share those. Perhaps that is why that person no longer exist. I don't laugh as much. I don't find certain things funny any longer. I find more things infinitely sad. Mostly, I just do not know who I am. I don't actually think I even care. Sometimes I do, but often I simply look away from the mirror.

I'm playing records today. I can't stand even looking at some of the covers, never mind play them. They aren't my records. They are our records. If I play them I can see things that happened, hear things that were said. I can feel things I felt. This is not fun for me. So, I pulled out an old set of Glenn Miller records from Time Life that belong to my sister and have no emotional connection for me. Moonlight Serenade is playing right now. And I see Jerry grinning at me as I drag him out of his chair and force him to dance with me. He was such a bad dancer but just to put my head on his chest was all I wanted and feel his arms about me.

In defense you become someone else. Someone who is not connected to anything at all. You become adept at pretense, a brilliant actor. While inside you are a quivering mass of stage fright. You don't know your lines. They changed the script.

You find outlets that are meaningless because that is the only way to function. People who meant something are different because the person you are now is dealing with strangers. You have to get reacquainted with every person the old you knew. And people you thought you cared about.... you don't. You hear yourself say that you didn't realize how tired a certain person made you feel. You are surprised by the revelation!

You find yourself thinking about stupid trivial things because to think of anything weightier would require someone to talk to about it who understands you and will listen and still love you when you're done, who might actually agree with you.

You spend a lot of time just staring out the window, watching the snow fall and wondering about the stranger that has taken over your life.

Texting shopper who fell in mall fountain sues security guards for laughing | Mail Online

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I'm sorry. There is something seriously wrong with this. Please try and read it with a straight face. And when you watch the video, try not to laugh. Well, never mind. It is funny.

Does anyone recognize a face in the video? Um, no one knew who she was until she decided to reveal her identity so she could sue? Revealing that she is even stupider than the video at the bottom of the story would indicate.

Do you think she even realizes that even more people will watch and laugh at her all over again, particularly in light of the fact that she is suing for something that was her own fault?

Abortion Doctor in Philadelphia Charged With Murder - NYTimes.com

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So, is it murder? Or is it not?

This is a monstrous article and I can't stomach it but it is amazing how values have become so distorted. Disagree if you like, I do not care. This IS A MORAL ISSUE. It is NOT a political one. I do not care what your politics are and I do not care if you came from Pluto on a comet tail. Human beings deliberately deprived of life at the hands of another is murder.You can't have it both ways. Either it is murder or it isn't. And if it isn't then there is no such thing as murder in any form.

A society who refuses to recognize the value of life in all forms ceases to be civil or sane. Hitler's solution was to exterminate what was in his view valueless sub-humans. Jews, mentally handicapped, all non-white races - the list goes on. It is a small step to follow that path. It is coming. We talk about it already... euthanasia, abortion, who decides who dies and when, assisted suicide - the list goes on.

Monsters, such as mentioned in this story, are the ones who should be shipped off the planet. Plant them somewhere they can build their own world.... say the moon. I've not doubt they do not need oxygen to survive... they are aliens.

Of course, he will get a fair trial. And if I were in his position I'd be saying that the law has already set a precedent because it has legalized a woman's right to abort her unborn child. Were I him, I would be saying that age of the unborn should not matter. It is a matter of choice. You watch for it.

I'm willing to bet there will be people who agree with him. Obviously, the women who were going to him thought so.

Should they be charged?

To the moon.

The Run Down

Sarah has gone home. She stayed three nights and didn't want to go home but I have to work tomorrow. Becca's Dad came in on Saturday and we did not tell Sarah. When I took her home tonight I told her someone was at her house. She tried to guess but had no clue. I told her it was a surprise. When we got upstairs she shivered and giggled in excitement just before we entered.

I wish you could have seen her face when she walked into her apartment. She was dazed and her little hands flew to her cheeks and she gasped. She stared for several minutes as if she couldn't believe her eyes. Then she ran over and reached out and touched his cheek and rubbed it and rubbed his arm and then hugged him. She simply stared with a funny little smile and then she giggled. She kept rubbing his cheek. She got down, moved to stand about three feet away and just stared at him with that little smile and after a few minutes she would look at the rest of us and giggle. then she'd rush over and pat his cheek and hug him again. She never spoke during the whole thing. It was so funny and so sweet. And I felt the knife twist because I knew if it had been Jerry waiting she would have reacted in exactly that way. And he would have grabbed her and never let go.

I turned and saw my dinning table with the cloth spread nicely on it, and the ladder back chairs around it. It looked very nice the way Becca has it set up. I reached out and touch the back of the chair, clasping the post and rubbing it and the past rose up and slapped me in the face. I saw myself standing just that way a thousand times watching my little boys sitting at that table laughing and Jerry at the end, eating my cooking and laughing with them. And I turned and ran out of the apartment and down the stairs and drove home.

They were not there.

Up and At ....um.... Maybe not....

Moving slow this morning, probably due to the weather is my guess.Whatever, rolling out of the bed was the easy part.

Sarah is still asleep but I'm about to go beard the little bear in her den. She has been grumpy in the morning all weekend. So, I may get a black eye. Still has to be done. She goes home today and I will probably take her before lunch so I can do a few things before going back to work.

It has been a long weekend without much relaxing time but it is always good to have her with me. It is like a little sunshine in your pocket.

My gas log was worked on last week. I got it going and now it isn't working again. I am just going to have to find another one for that room. It has to be a ventless heater and they are hard to find. But it gets so cold in there you can't stand it. And I have to have something on a thermostat so I don't end up having to lite it all the time. They cost several hundred dollars. Which I don't have.

I'm going to dress now and see if I can coax Sarah to dress and go look for one. She is up now. I stopped long enough to get her up and get out breakfast. She's watching a video at the moment, Hermie, a Christian children's video.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. Bummer.

A Sarah Saturday

Sarah is at my house today. She spent the night with me and we are not trying to decide what to do. She informed me that there was nothing to do at my house. Probably true since all the toys I buy go to her house. We have books and a doll house but she gets bored with those after a time. She watches about 20 minutes of a movie and she's done. So, not sure what we will be doing.

Mike called earlier to see if I was coming to get him to hook up the den heater but Dave has my car. He is going to Kentucky to pick up Becca's parents. They want to move back here. Anyway, when I was talking to Mike, Sarah said, "He's ruining our date."

I can't pick him up until later. I will be glad when I get my heater hooked up. I like that room and would use it more all year if it were warm. In the summer I use it more, or used to.

I'm using the spare room a lot since I put my wireless printer in here and the trestle desk. It is such a warm cozy room. I often get on the bed with my heated throw and watch movies or listen to audio books. I've been crocheting there while I listen to books but this week I was so exhausted when I got in that I simply read blogs and watched t.v. shows. I couldn't relax and by the time I went to bed I was so sleepy. It was always midnight. That kind of tired makes it impossible to wind down properly.

Today I do not know what is on the schedule but then that is what Sarah Saturdays are usually like. There are a lot of things to do but none really appeal. I may actually try and hook the heater up myself. At one time I could have done. Not sure now.

Sarah took a hot shower and she is ready to roll. I cleaned my half bath... basically this is where I do my hair and everything was just everywhere. I straightened it up, washed it down, and organized all the hair paraphernalia. It will be fine for a while.

I am feeling my lack of sleep now. It is about 1 p.m. and I didn't sleep well last night. Sarah woke me up once to tell me I was making noise so I guess I was snoring. I do some times. I hate sleeping on my back and it is the only way I can sleep. So, I snore more. My throat and mouth are nearly raw in the mornings so I usually know when it is happening.

I'm going off now. Not sure I'll be back today. I've been pretty scarce lately because of work. I still have to go back on Tuesday and try to get finished with it.

Paedophilia 'culturally accepted in south Afghanistan' - Telegraph

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Does this sound yucky to anyone but me? And what am I to actually learn from this? Am I supposed to say, "Golly gee! When in Rome. . ."

Oppressive to women. Practicing pedophiles. What will they think of next!

Sorry, it is not going to ever be acceptable to me. I don't care what planet you come form.

Animal death mystery: 8k turtle doves fall dead in Italy with blue stain on beaks | Mail Online

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I don't have to say anything, do I?

Still Alive NaNoWriMo

A friend and local nano'er, Lulu, put the link for this video on her blog. I had not seen it before but it is just so cute I have to post it. I didn't win but....

I'm Sure It Is Just Coincidence

There can't be any connection to these events, I'm sure of it.....

Mass Animal Deaths

Mystery 500 Dead Penguins

Mass Pilot Whale Beaching

Something in the Air

Link "Why are the animals dying? Birds, fish wiped out in mysterious deaths"

I've been watching the stories of these mass animal deaths with interest. Revelations speaks of mass death in water and on land in the last days.

I also watched Flash Forward this past summer and the back story contained a scene of hundreds of black birds... get this... dropping to the ground, dead. The story contained several events over a period of years when this had happened and it had been kept secret. So, seeing it in real life this past week or so has been a bit disconcerting since in the television show it was a scientific experiment that caused serious problems.

Don't get me wrong. I know the Flash Forward is a fictional television show. I know some of you believe the Bible is a fable. I respect your opinions of both. I just don't necessarily agree with you on all of it. You see, I remember when wrist watches were two-way radios with video screens that existed only in the Dick Tracy comic... in the 50's and 60's. Hello?

So, my suspicions, along with the conspiracy freaks, is that this is something we are not being told. Birds do not drop out of the sky in the hundreds in a single area and fish in the same area do not wash ashore for no good reason. . . all within the same week while one state away the same thing was happening.

Mass extinction? It is the same species. Why didn't sparrows fall out of the sky? I can remember in 2003 traveling home through Arkansas from Little Rock and seeing thousands of these black birds. It was in December. We must have ridden for 50 miles and witnessed flock after flock of blackbirds flying west. I'd never seen anything like it. We were amazed at how many there were and wondered why they were there. So, when I heard of this story I was thrown back to that point in time.

When I read of the Horizon explosion and saw the photos and then saw the horrendous results of that I told my pastor, "I believe we just saw Wormwood." For the uninitiated to all this mumbo jumbo, read Revelations 8. Even he laughed at me. But I'm still not convinced it isn't true. A flaming star falling into the ocean causes contamination of the sea and death to the sea life. In the Bible version of Wormwood, it also actually sinks ships. There is concern in certain scientific sectors that some of these oil companies will puncture a methane vein. There are believed to be copious amounts beneath the oceans of the world. If that happens, Revelations 8 will come to pass and we won't be able to stop it. Read the science if you don't read the Bible. It is said it will be global death of every living thing.

Whatever your beliefs or disbeliefs, we better take such events seriously. To say hundreds of birds dropping dead from the skies and over 100,000 fish washing ashore dead is nothing to worry about is about the most ludicrous statement I've ever heard. And why would we not be concerned? When you start seeing aquatic life affected in the manner we are seeing, something in our system is seriously out of balance. It is a matter of time before it moves ashore. Sea life, all aquatic life in fact, is very sensitive to environmental changes. When birds fall from heaven in the hundreds, we might begin to wonder if it has now moved ashore. Does anyone really believe this is "nothing to worry about"?

What astounds me is that the "experts" expect us to accept it without question! And we do. Because they are paid to know. We believe if they have a PHD they must be right. Where I'm from we don't have much respect for PHD's. It means Post Hole Digger. So I tend to be more skeptical. I question everything. I do not believe in experts. I believe in educated guesses, hunches, and my gut. They've proven far more valuable to me. My gut says this is not good.

When wildlife begins to show signs of something wrong in the environment, something is seriously wrong. Miners long ago took canaries into the mines. Why? Because if there was a gas leak, the canary would die before it was strong enough to kill the miners. It must have been amazingly comforting in that deep dark hole to hear that little bird cheerily singing. Imagine the terror if it stopped. That would not be a good sign. You can bet that every miner in the mine would know in minutes to get out. Death was in the mine.

Anyone check the canary lately? Something is in the air.....and it's killing the birds.

Sunshine Across the Desk

The only bright spot in the day is in the middle of my desk calendar. I'm buried under work and it won't get better. I'm not going to begin a litany of all that is wrong but lets just say I've been summoned to the corp. office this week to "assist" in some work there.... Yes, I have. By the Interim Executive Director, a very nice lady who admits she knows nothing.

When I called to ask for details on exactly what I'm expected to do she didn't seem to know. The accounting guy needs to go over some records. I and another person were chosen. In my mind I wonder why but don't ask.

I go to my supervisor. He was not consulted about who is to go. He was told to send me and T. While I was there, the E.D. called me back to say I wasn't in trouble or anything (nice to know) but that we were the only two people who seemed to know what was going on in the department. !!!! There are 14 of us here. I can assure you most know exactly what they are doing.

If you know me very well at all, you know that flattery is absolutely wasted on me. I just don't buy into it. You can't flatter me. If I tell you you are wonderful, I mean it. If someone else tells me I'm wonderful, I suspect they want something. I can't help it. It is just the way I'm wired. I've always been that way. I've been called beautiful by people I don't know very well. Hogwash. They're either blind or the village idiot or they want something. If they told me I'm very smart... I might agree but not because I'm flattered. I'd be glad they have enough intelligence to recognize it. Or, in the case cited above... I'd suspect you want me to do someone else's job. Either way, not good.

So, on Friday I go to corporate.

My boss said, "I think the accounting guy likes you."

I said, "He doesn't know me."

My boss said, "I hate him so I can't go."

"You know that I have no problem bearding the lions at Court Street."

He looked at me and then T and said, "Maybe you should let T do the talking. Sometimes you're delivery is lacking."

I looked at him. "It is what it is."

T. said, "She can do the talking."

Understanding The Technology

My youngest son was about 3 years old when the military began using desktop computers. My husband brought this home one day from work. Someone gave it to him. I have no idea who drew it or thought up the concept. I doubt it was Bill Gates.

I've kept it for years but since I'm cleaning out, I'm tossing it away too. I have scanned it and will have a disk copy. However, I'm sending it out to the world via Multiply. As far as I am aware it is not protected. When I was in college. I gave it to one of my professors. Before I knew it I was seeing it all over the campus on bulletin boards. For some reason, people find it amusing. I hope it helps you understand your computer better.

Forward Motion

Sarah is napping on my sofa. Dave and Becca came in and he is napping on my bed. Becca had to be there this morning to finish her registration and get her books. We have a ham in the oven that was intended for New Year's day but things sort of didn't work out that way. Dave has school tonight.

I am not doing much of anything. I've spent the morning dealing with HRH and once she went down, I was a bit at loose ends. Now, I don't know what I want to do. The ham sounds good with potatoes and broccoli with cheese sauce.

I'm at a bit of a loss. I feel as if I'm waiting for something. It is very frustrating. I'm not actually waiting for anything, as far as I know. But it feels as if I'm on that platform checking my watch.

I hate waiting.

Finally, A Monday that Doesn't Stink

Idnit amazin?A Monday that looks good on the outside and in which I don't feel like I've been pounded with a hammer. I do hope this is a portent of the next 51 Mondays.

I'm up a bit earlier than I've been getting up. I have to go back to work tomorrow and I need to finish loose ends here. I still have papers here and there to sort through but most of the damage is done for now. I have one fully cleaned, painted, and organized closet. I have a second that is a bit more organized. I have one on the way and two more that I have to just empty and do the same.

I'm raising the bars in them as well. Most are just head height on my but I need them a bit higher. The storage up top is not very useful anyway and simply makes me stick things back. So, will eliminate it and put storage at the bottom that is a bit more practical. I'll lose about a foot but that's ok since I won't be keeping as much excess baggage. In my hall closet I put my blankets, first putting them in plastic garbage bags so they stay cleaner. The ends are open to allow them to breath but they won't collect as much dust as they would just lying on the shelf. I had them stored in a huge plastic tub that just got in the way in the closet. I gave it to Becca.

I have not been writing at all. I don't know what has happened. I haven't had any contact with my writing group. They seem to have dropped off the face of the earth. Some of the NaNo'ers have stayed in touch so I'm going to try and arrange to meet with them. It has been hard with the holidays. We'll see.

Sarah just arrived to spend the day. Dave and Becca start school today and since this is the first day I said she could spend it with me. After today, they go on a schedule where Becca goes in the mornings and Dave in the evenings. So one of them will be able to keep her at all times.

I am going to see what we can get into now. I have some things to do but when HRH is here it seems they don't get done a well.

Since I started this we have spent about two hours cuddling in my still warm bed and telling stories. Then we got a "nice shower". That is what Sarah called it. She played with the doll house and a movie in the background. I suppose she is used to background noises where I am not. She can't be in a room without them. She hears every sound and the silence disturbs her. So, movies. And now, she is taking a nap.

I'm going to find food.

First Sunday of the Year

I have been here all day at my desk, cleaning out bins and boxes and paying bills. In fact for the last three days I've been throwing things away all over the house... even discarding books. Becca saw me last night boxing books and she said, "Mom... you're getting rid of books?"

I said, "Yes. I'm getting rid of books." I never get rid of books that are shelved because that means they are special to me. They are all hardbacks except for a few paperbacks I found stacked that I had already read. I suspect in the coming months, I'll be getting rid of more of them. My intention is to be rid of nearly all my books in the next year. I will take it slowly as these are all books I love and feel comfortable with them around me. It isn't a resolution, just an intent. I had a desire once to have room in which all four walls were covered in books. Jerry was going to make one for me. I no longer have the desire. Now, it seems I want all of them gone. I was studying the bookcase in the guest room. I have a shelf of Christian books, a shelf of history books, a shelf of more classical literature, a shelf of children's books, and a shelf of textbooks on Anthropology, photography, geology, psychology, business law, journalism, and political science. I had an eclectic education at university. They all need to go.

It all has to go. I have too much weight. I look around and think of all that would have to be done if I were to die suddenly. I can't bear the thought of my family trying to sort through all that I have clung, too. I have had to deal with all that Jerry left behind. It has taken two years of picking up things and trying to let go. I still have things here that were his that really don't need to be here. I can't do that to other people. Mike would be crippled by the choices if that happened. I have to get rid of everything I can. I can't take them with me. They mean nothing to anyone else.

I gave Becca my solid oak table Saturday. It is one long table, no inserts, that seats six. It still has the original ladder back chairs I bought to go with it. Virtually impossible to tear up ladder back chairs. I bought that thing new and unfinished in 1988. I stained it, finished it and raised my family around it. Twenty-two years of meals, games, school work, and memories. I've no need of it now. I've told her if she decides she no longer wants it it must come home. I don't think it will. If she takes care of it, it will last another 50 years. Oak, when cared for, last forever.

I've filled five trash bags with paper. Paper! Why do I have all that stuff? I started Friday and began making piles. I went over and over them, each time throwing more and more away, wondering why I kept it the first time. Then, wondering why when I made the pile I still hung onto it. I went through some things half a dozen times but each time, more went out. I've tossed a pile of old cassette tapes, maybe 50 of them. I have a player but I threw a bunch away. I kept those I really liked and may actually play. I wish I could get them onto a CD and then I'd toss them for good. I have all the tapes that were my and Jerry's favorites.

Today, it is the business end of things I am working on. I have to prepare for tax time and my desk is buried and has been for months. I'm sorting the remodel items so they are easy to locate and I'm tossing stuff that has been lying around for a year... I don't know why I put it in my bill bin.

I will be sorting the "paid" bin, too. I usually keep paid things a year and then decided if warranties are a factor. If so, they go to a special file. Everything else will be tossed.

It is a tedious task that I hate, more now than before. Probably because I am shedding things I would not normally shed. But then my life is no longer normal. The image that came to mind when I typed that statement was of a train depot. I'm standing on the platform looking at my watch. It is cold and windy and people are milling around while I stand with my suitcase at my feet, waiting.

I'm off now. Still trying to get things sorted out. Mike called to see if I was going to church. I honestly haven't decided. I hate to stop and leave this mess. I've been doing that every night for the last couple of days. I'd kind of like tomorrow to be a day I don't do anything but relax. It will be the only day for ten days that I do if it happens.

I hope everyone's New Year is off to a good start. And I hope it brings all of us better times.

Happy New Year...

It is an old custom to celebrate the arrival of a new year. There are usually fire works and laughing and in some quarters, champagne. Usually you are accompanied by numerous friends or someone special. When the new year arrived at my house I was alone and asleep.

I've had two new year's alone. Like most holidays since that began, it is pretty much another day. But I did have a special treat last night at 5:50 p.m., long before my new year arrived. I got a phone call that made the end of the year much brighter than it began. My friend, Jilly, called me all the way from England. It was 11:50 her time. It was such a wonderful treat and while we were talking, 2011 rolled into England and she opened her windows and we listened together to the fireworks. That was amazing. So, I had my New Year celebration early and it was so much fun. Jilly, you are so very special. Thank you... again. What a privilege to call you friend.

I am tired this morning. I was up by eight... not on purpose but when I wake up these days staying in bed is not usually fun. I have to get up and move to stop the pain escalation that woke me. Takes about an hour to become manageable.

I'm not dressed yet but I've had coffee. I've read blogs. Now, I think I better pay the bills and do the bank statement. Not a fun new year's day at all. I have three days left of vacation and I would like them to be filled with things I enjoy. This is not one of them.

So, I'm off for a hot shower to see if I can wash away some of the stiffness. You know, I'm not really that old. I'm 54. I should not feel this way. I know 70 year olds who feel better than I do. That's just wrong.

And this could so easily degenerate into a pity party. I'll take it somewhere else. I just would have liked to start a new year with a brighter view of it. I'd like to be positive and upbeat and eager to see where it takes me. I'd like to get there without all the pain. I used to be like that. I think. I don't remember.