Wow, I thought yesterday was Friday all day long! And this morning when I got up I sat for several minutes on the bed asking what day it was. No one answered and I had to get up and walk around a minute before I realized I had to be a work in an hour. I do this more often in recent years and it bothers me. I need to get a calendar and hang near by and mark the days off. I suppose it is a product of the disruption of my life. I don't know which end is up either.
I was invited out to dinner last night with Mike and his new girl friend. I know! What new girlfriend? You know he was going to get married a month ago. But God is very good and that came to an end. I'm sorry but I won't go into details, just know that I've had the most awful month with this flack. For those knowledgeable in Biblical things you can refer to Genesis 26:34 & 35. The last three weeks have been a nightmare and had Michael married that girl it would have been even more so. I tried telling him when he brought her to meet us that he was rushing things and that something wasn't right. It wasn't. She was CRAZY! I mean it. She was seriously disturbed. So last weekend he just ended it. And she has harassed him and Becca and Dave for a week with nasty text messages and messages left on their Facebook pages. I really hate Facebook. Too much information is out there and any freak can just waltz in and you can't hardly get rid of them. It took us two weeks of changing Mike's passwords on every account, blocking numerous people and even then she was texting people who were his friends and his messenger and phone books. She'd apparently gotten the numbers of his friends when he used her phone to call some of them and send text messages.
She had been taking 40 mg of Prozac and it wasn't working and they changed her to Zoloft. I learned later that she was drinking. HELLO! Not crazy, INSANE. You can't take antidepressants and drink. Alcohol is a depressant. No wonder she was off the charts.
Anyway, Mike is seeing a friend he met recently . . . at the library! Where he hang a lot! She is older than he by about 6 years. They invited me to dinner last night and SHE paid! If you knew my family you'd know why that is such a shock. Most of the women Mike has dated could barely support themselves. This last one said she needed a man to support her so she could quit work because she was too sick to work. When she said it I thought "who're you? I work every day sick! Ain't nobody going to be taking care of me!" I know why she was so sick now!
Anyway, Mike said that the new girl, Connie invited me along on their "date". I about passed out. She is pretty and she has a good job, she was smart and OMG, she was NORMAL! I have to tell you when Mike was telling me he was seeing someone else he said, "Mom, she isn't fat, she has all her teeth and she's stable." And he was right. (The teeth thing is because the last couple of women he's dated had very bad teeth. Rachael has "meth" teeth and if you haven't see that you haven't missed anything.) We went to a nice restaurant and had a nice dinner and she paid! Over my protest but she paid.
The girl is a district manager over 3 restaurants and apparently loves her job. Her parents are both deaf and so I think she sees some of their problems in Mike. I fear she is not really aware of just how many other problems Mike has but if they like one another and she treats him with respect, I'm ok with it. I just hope she's not in any rush to marry.
As for me, well, I'm glad the week is over. I do not know if I'll go away this weekend. I haven't even decided on where. I'm so exhausted by all that has been going on I just want to sit in the quiet and not think about it. But a part of me wants to go somewhere and see fresh things. I could just get in the car and drive somewhere. LOL, that is how Jerry and I used to do it. We'd get up and say, "Let's go to...." and we'd go. Pack the kids up and a lunch and go. I suppose if the weather is nice I could do that tomorrow. Get up early and just go. I could go to the caves at Marengo... but they're about the same distance away as Mammoth. It's a thought.
My yard is a disaster. Mower still not fixed. Mike is getting my sister's mower and cutting it this evening so I'll have company while he does that. If it is nice we can sit on the patio. Tomorrow night Becca and Connie have decided to cook supper!
I'm so ready to go home now that I can't sit still. I have an hour and 15 minutes to go. IT is driving me nuts. I'm going end here. I'll let you know how the evening goes.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Another Writing Site
I have been, as I said, cruising the web mindlessly this past week. As a result I've found several new sites that I think are really interesting. I'm going to post the links in my link section as I have time to review them but here is probably the coolest for my writing buddies.
Archetype: The Fiction Writer's Guide to Psychology
Truly an interesting and helpful site. I can't wait to utilize some of the things there. I've been reading some of the articles as well. There is a really cool plot generator and a couple of other generators that look interesting. I plan to use tomorrow to delve into my writing.
I met Doug for lunch today. We discussed his new idea for a story. He presented a piece at our last writers' meeting (he, me, and Cassie). It is a strange story and one I'll be interested to see how he handles. He sent me a note saying the lunch had helped free up his thinking on it. I too find it helpful to toss my ideas at someone and have them point out the flaws. He invited me to his house for lunch on Sunday. I'm looking forward to that. You may recall I went last winter and spent an afternoon with he and his family. I like his wife and it will be nice to talk with her again.
Mike is supposed to come by and cut the grass and Dave will come later and cook out. I suspect it will be a late evening with all the kids. Tomorrow I think we plan to go to the zoo. And tomorrow night Becca and Connie plan on cooking supper for us all.
These are the kind of evenings Jerry would have loved so much. He loved having the boys around with their girlfriends and wives. Sarah would be darting all over and he'd be chasing her if he was feeling well. It is very hard to do these things without thinking this way and remembering.
I've been praying this week. In fact, I had a good old fashioned prayer meeting on Wednesday night. Those of you who do not understand such things, don't worry about it. Those of you who don't understand what a Pentecostal means by prayer meeting, don't worry about it either. But those of you who know and understand will know what I mean when I say there was a mass exodus in which several spectators were trampled. It won't be on the news. 2 Corinthians 10:4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;
I am going to plan for next week for my get-away. This week I just had too much to deal with and I couldn't get my head together. And I really want to get to know Mike's friend a bit better. I don't want to be blindsided again. It would be wonderful for Mike to meet someone who was just a really nice person and actually cared about him in the real sense of the word.
So, a busy weekend planned. I must write some since I seem to be feeling better.
Archetype: The Fiction Writer's Guide to Psychology
Truly an interesting and helpful site. I can't wait to utilize some of the things there. I've been reading some of the articles as well. There is a really cool plot generator and a couple of other generators that look interesting. I plan to use tomorrow to delve into my writing.
I met Doug for lunch today. We discussed his new idea for a story. He presented a piece at our last writers' meeting (he, me, and Cassie). It is a strange story and one I'll be interested to see how he handles. He sent me a note saying the lunch had helped free up his thinking on it. I too find it helpful to toss my ideas at someone and have them point out the flaws. He invited me to his house for lunch on Sunday. I'm looking forward to that. You may recall I went last winter and spent an afternoon with he and his family. I like his wife and it will be nice to talk with her again.
Mike is supposed to come by and cut the grass and Dave will come later and cook out. I suspect it will be a late evening with all the kids. Tomorrow I think we plan to go to the zoo. And tomorrow night Becca and Connie plan on cooking supper for us all.
These are the kind of evenings Jerry would have loved so much. He loved having the boys around with their girlfriends and wives. Sarah would be darting all over and he'd be chasing her if he was feeling well. It is very hard to do these things without thinking this way and remembering.
I've been praying this week. In fact, I had a good old fashioned prayer meeting on Wednesday night. Those of you who do not understand such things, don't worry about it. Those of you who don't understand what a Pentecostal means by prayer meeting, don't worry about it either. But those of you who know and understand will know what I mean when I say there was a mass exodus in which several spectators were trampled. It won't be on the news. 2 Corinthians 10:4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;
I am going to plan for next week for my get-away. This week I just had too much to deal with and I couldn't get my head together. And I really want to get to know Mike's friend a bit better. I don't want to be blindsided again. It would be wonderful for Mike to meet someone who was just a really nice person and actually cared about him in the real sense of the word.
So, a busy weekend planned. I must write some since I seem to be feeling better.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
This May Be the Place
Link
Follow the link and take a look at where I'm thinking about going. It is only a little over two hours from me and I wouldn't necessarily lost a day of work. I could, in theory drive down on a Friday night and come back Sunday afternoon.
You can check out all the stuff there is to see there. And I love caves. There's even horseback riding which I simply love. I'm still not sure though. I have to find a good hotel and I'm really funny about it. Hotels can be really good or really bad. Do I want a pool? Probably. Do I want Wi-fi? Pretty sure I do. Do I want atmosphere and ambiance? Well, it'd be nice. But the last doesn't necessarily and usually doesn't come with the first two.
My biggest problem is going alone. I don't in the least feel excited about going. But this is a really nice area. I just would hate it to be chock full of tourist.
Well, more later. I am considering this weekend or next. Strongly leaning to this weekend.
Follow the link and take a look at where I'm thinking about going. It is only a little over two hours from me and I wouldn't necessarily lost a day of work. I could, in theory drive down on a Friday night and come back Sunday afternoon.
You can check out all the stuff there is to see there. And I love caves. There's even horseback riding which I simply love. I'm still not sure though. I have to find a good hotel and I'm really funny about it. Hotels can be really good or really bad. Do I want a pool? Probably. Do I want Wi-fi? Pretty sure I do. Do I want atmosphere and ambiance? Well, it'd be nice. But the last doesn't necessarily and usually doesn't come with the first two.
My biggest problem is going alone. I don't in the least feel excited about going. But this is a really nice area. I just would hate it to be chock full of tourist.
Well, more later. I am considering this weekend or next. Strongly leaning to this weekend.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Monday Melt Down
It was a long tedious day. I'm exhausted. Currently, I'm sitting in my bed wearing my hideous pink and white tank top set which you will see in an upcoming video and satin p.j. shorts.
I had a mild headache for a bit this afternoon. I forgot to go to lunch. My lunch buddy is on vacation and I just kept working until I realized I had not eaten. I finally got away about 2:30 and picked Mike up to take him to sell plasma. We ate first and I went back to work. But I didn't feel well until I came in and got my shower around 6:00. I got off at five and picked him up. I stopped and bought some flowers for the cemetery, two adorable dresses for Sarah that were on sale at Family Dollar, and a wall clock for my living room. The old one died some time ago and I just keep forgetting to get one. It was only $5 and is rather pretty. I took Mike home and on the way back stopped to put the flowers on the grave.
I never stay long there. Can't. But as I rode through the grounds I am struck again at how very beautiful that cemetery is and I thought again about taking a walk there after work in the afternoons. It is hilly and from his grave to the back gate is just over half a mile by one route but probably half that by another. The routes go all over the place. I have to remember to get Becca's camera and do a video sometime of the routes through there. It is a city cemetery and well maintained. Right now they are working on the entrance closest for me and I'd have to go to the back entrance. But if I stopped before going home it would be light enough and not so out of the way.Of course, this is all supposing I do it. I do not like going there regardless of how beautiful it is.
Now, I'm considering what time to turn off the lights. My mower is still in the shop and I can't cut the grass, which is getting rather high and will soon get me a ticket from the city guys. I am hoping to have it this weekend but I guess self-propelled gears must be difficult to fix. Maybe I'll get a new mower.... ha! But it means my yard is not pretty or pleasant to sit in. And the mosquitoes are not fun at all.
I thought for awhile that I was not going to get home. I felt really bad and needed to lie down. I can't believe how very tied I am. No reason for it. All I did all weekend was sit on the sofa and read mindless stuff online.
I found a site call Futility Closet. Here is the link Link It is fun reading but I sat and read it all day Sunday. I couldn't move and didn't even realize how long I had been sitting reading until I looked around and the room was dark except for the computer screen. Very interesting site, anyway. But don't spend six hours reading it.
I'm going now. In the distance I hear someone calling my name. I believe it is the brownies on top of my refrigerator. They have soft, wee, little voices and sound like gooey chocolate. I believe the baritone I hear is the milk... or maybe the coffee... no, milk.
I had a mild headache for a bit this afternoon. I forgot to go to lunch. My lunch buddy is on vacation and I just kept working until I realized I had not eaten. I finally got away about 2:30 and picked Mike up to take him to sell plasma. We ate first and I went back to work. But I didn't feel well until I came in and got my shower around 6:00. I got off at five and picked him up. I stopped and bought some flowers for the cemetery, two adorable dresses for Sarah that were on sale at Family Dollar, and a wall clock for my living room. The old one died some time ago and I just keep forgetting to get one. It was only $5 and is rather pretty. I took Mike home and on the way back stopped to put the flowers on the grave.
I never stay long there. Can't. But as I rode through the grounds I am struck again at how very beautiful that cemetery is and I thought again about taking a walk there after work in the afternoons. It is hilly and from his grave to the back gate is just over half a mile by one route but probably half that by another. The routes go all over the place. I have to remember to get Becca's camera and do a video sometime of the routes through there. It is a city cemetery and well maintained. Right now they are working on the entrance closest for me and I'd have to go to the back entrance. But if I stopped before going home it would be light enough and not so out of the way.Of course, this is all supposing I do it. I do not like going there regardless of how beautiful it is.
Now, I'm considering what time to turn off the lights. My mower is still in the shop and I can't cut the grass, which is getting rather high and will soon get me a ticket from the city guys. I am hoping to have it this weekend but I guess self-propelled gears must be difficult to fix. Maybe I'll get a new mower.... ha! But it means my yard is not pretty or pleasant to sit in. And the mosquitoes are not fun at all.
I thought for awhile that I was not going to get home. I felt really bad and needed to lie down. I can't believe how very tied I am. No reason for it. All I did all weekend was sit on the sofa and read mindless stuff online.
I found a site call Futility Closet. Here is the link Link It is fun reading but I sat and read it all day Sunday. I couldn't move and didn't even realize how long I had been sitting reading until I looked around and the room was dark except for the computer screen. Very interesting site, anyway. But don't spend six hours reading it.
I'm going now. In the distance I hear someone calling my name. I believe it is the brownies on top of my refrigerator. They have soft, wee, little voices and sound like gooey chocolate. I believe the baritone I hear is the milk... or maybe the coffee... no, milk.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
A Damned Tomb
I feel as if I've started over. Not in a good way, as if I'm where I was months ago, a year ago. I'm very depressed and yes, I'm taking St. John's Wort. Sometimes, depression is not for any reason that can be fixed. I have not recovered from the episode Wednesday night. Not completely anyway. It feels as if I'm standing on the edge of a pit. My inclination is to sit down and hang on before something topples me in. Or maybe it is too late for that.
I didn't go to church today. Aside from my mental state, I am having problems with the arthritis in my back, hands, and feet. My feet feel crushed when I get up. And my hands, particularly my dominate left, feel the same way off and on. I'm using Valtoran on them as well as my knees and back. It does seem to help but it takes several hours and there is no permanent fix.
I don't really know what to do with myself. Take eating lunch alone today. I couldn't wait to get out of the restaurant. Or thinking about going somewhere alone. I was looking at Mammoth Cave as a destination. It's about an hour from here. I used Google Earth because you get such great definition in the map and you can zoom in and it will show landmarks, historical sites, parks, hotels and well, everything. Problem is when I do that and see how very beautiful it is I realize I can't go there. There is no sense seeing anything that you can't share. It is pointless, at least to me.
People wonder why I take my children everywhere, even now that they are adults. It is because the pleasure of seeing someone you care about enjoy something, of sharing that pleasure with them is what makes living bearable. A sunset means nothing if you are sitting by yourself. A forest is just a bunch of foreboding trees if you walk alone. I don't know why people think I can just pack up and go somewhere by myself and expect me to do anything but sleep for days. I can do that here, in my house, free. I do it every day.
I don't want to go anywhere. That hasn't changed. I see very little purpose. I can do everything in a hotel room I do here except here the kitchen is open 24 hours if I want it to be. And if I feel like screaming and hitting the walls I can and there are no complaints. Yes, I have. And I don't have to be nice and smile and pretend I'm a nice person having a great time. I don't have to lie and say I'm fine just to get everyone off my back. I'll give you an example. People call and say "what are you doing." If I tell the truth and say, "Nothing" they don't like it. They don't get it. They expect you to be doing something, reading, writing, walking, talking, working at some mindless activity, watching t.v. I do none of those things most of the time. I do nothing. I'm usually doing what I'm doing right now. I am sitting here and the only thing I've done is sit and stare at the room since I got up at 9:30, read a devotional, prayed for about 30 minutes, read a couple of blogs, went to and came home from lunch alone, played two games of solitaire and wrote this post. That's in 6 hours. I don't know what I did with the rest of the time. I just sat here.
But no one wants to hear me say that is all I've done. I'm doing nothing but sitting on the sofa in the living room looking at the walls and photos. People want me to talk. I have nothing to say, really. They want you to be "normal". To laugh, tell jokes, smile, talk about stuff. I just ate a brownie and am drinking coffee. No, not homemade, out of a box. Yes, with walnuts. Yes, it was fine. Same coffee as usual. Yes, I'm going to attempt church. I feel fine. I don't know what everyone else is doing. Yada, yada, yada, yada. I've had three calls that went the same way. I listened. I hung up and went back to staring at the walls. No, there is no one to talk to, to share a joke, to ask questions, to plan a trip, or most terribly, no one to respond when you say "remember when".
Yes, I lived in a damned tomb.
I didn't go to church today. Aside from my mental state, I am having problems with the arthritis in my back, hands, and feet. My feet feel crushed when I get up. And my hands, particularly my dominate left, feel the same way off and on. I'm using Valtoran on them as well as my knees and back. It does seem to help but it takes several hours and there is no permanent fix.
I don't really know what to do with myself. Take eating lunch alone today. I couldn't wait to get out of the restaurant. Or thinking about going somewhere alone. I was looking at Mammoth Cave as a destination. It's about an hour from here. I used Google Earth because you get such great definition in the map and you can zoom in and it will show landmarks, historical sites, parks, hotels and well, everything. Problem is when I do that and see how very beautiful it is I realize I can't go there. There is no sense seeing anything that you can't share. It is pointless, at least to me.
People wonder why I take my children everywhere, even now that they are adults. It is because the pleasure of seeing someone you care about enjoy something, of sharing that pleasure with them is what makes living bearable. A sunset means nothing if you are sitting by yourself. A forest is just a bunch of foreboding trees if you walk alone. I don't know why people think I can just pack up and go somewhere by myself and expect me to do anything but sleep for days. I can do that here, in my house, free. I do it every day.
I don't want to go anywhere. That hasn't changed. I see very little purpose. I can do everything in a hotel room I do here except here the kitchen is open 24 hours if I want it to be. And if I feel like screaming and hitting the walls I can and there are no complaints. Yes, I have. And I don't have to be nice and smile and pretend I'm a nice person having a great time. I don't have to lie and say I'm fine just to get everyone off my back. I'll give you an example. People call and say "what are you doing." If I tell the truth and say, "Nothing" they don't like it. They don't get it. They expect you to be doing something, reading, writing, walking, talking, working at some mindless activity, watching t.v. I do none of those things most of the time. I do nothing. I'm usually doing what I'm doing right now. I am sitting here and the only thing I've done is sit and stare at the room since I got up at 9:30, read a devotional, prayed for about 30 minutes, read a couple of blogs, went to and came home from lunch alone, played two games of solitaire and wrote this post. That's in 6 hours. I don't know what I did with the rest of the time. I just sat here.
But no one wants to hear me say that is all I've done. I'm doing nothing but sitting on the sofa in the living room looking at the walls and photos. People want me to talk. I have nothing to say, really. They want you to be "normal". To laugh, tell jokes, smile, talk about stuff. I just ate a brownie and am drinking coffee. No, not homemade, out of a box. Yes, with walnuts. Yes, it was fine. Same coffee as usual. Yes, I'm going to attempt church. I feel fine. I don't know what everyone else is doing. Yada, yada, yada, yada. I've had three calls that went the same way. I listened. I hung up and went back to staring at the walls. No, there is no one to talk to, to share a joke, to ask questions, to plan a trip, or most terribly, no one to respond when you say "remember when".
Yes, I lived in a damned tomb.
Some Good Things are Free
Grammy Blicktx had to get a new computer and her Beloved Husband had to reformat. She mentions in her blog today that they now don't have some programs they had and really liked. I thought of when I got my laptop and couldn't use a lot of programs I have. But I knew about a lot of free things that would work on my new system. I didn't think they would be as good as they have turned out to be but I'm sold. I now use MS office only at work for the most part.
If you are not opposed to free stuff but are concerned about their value and problems they may cause, a good place to find them is Cnet.com and PC World, they review them all the time. PitstopPC is a great place to to get information on free items and their drawbacks and they have several free system scans that will find weaknesses in your set up.
Here is the list of items I have on my new laptop that cost me nothing and work as well as the more expensive software. I've had NO problems from any of these items and I've used some of them since before I had my desktop...that's about 5 years.
If you are not opposed to free stuff but are concerned about their value and problems they may cause, a good place to find them is Cnet.com and PC World, they review them all the time. PitstopPC is a great place to to get information on free items and their drawbacks and they have several free system scans that will find weaknesses in your set up.
Here is the list of items I have on my new laptop that cost me nothing and work as well as the more expensive software. I've had NO problems from any of these items and I've used some of them since before I had my desktop...that's about 5 years.
- OpenOffice.org is free and does EVERYTHING MS Office does.
- Avast Anti-virus is free and works as well as Norton... I've been using it five years. Never been down because of a virus since I started. There are several other free anti-virus programs but do look for reviews before installing. There were some in the past that actually had viruses. I've stuck with Avast because of the I've had no problems, it catches bugs, and the reviews just continue to be good.
- Paint.net is free and does amazing things with photos. You can play for hours with this thing. If you've used other photo programs you're ahead of the game.Gimp is another free one on a par with Photoshop. I've never used it because of the learning curve and time involved to learn it. My artist friends may like it.
- E-Sword is free and excellent for Bible work.
- yWriter is free and a wonderful program to help you put a novel together.
- Google Earth - is free and more fun than a barrel of monkeys to play with and it is great for getting directions and maps to places you want to go. The street view takes you to the ground so you can look around the neighborhoods.
- Spybot - great little spyware program I use to clean off my computer weekly. I've been using this for probably 8 years.
- Auslogics has a FREE defrag program that works in about 3 minutes on my huge drives. (That is only a small exaggeration) Better than Microsoft's built in.
- Firefox - free browser
- Xmarks free little browser program to keep your bookmarks sync'd and accessible whichever computer you log in on. I have it on both computers and the one at work. I never have to say... Oh, I saved that link on my other computer!" And it works on Chrome and IE (for diehards). You can open the xmarks organizers and arrange your bookmarks, edit them or delete them, synchronize it with the server and when you are on your other computer, it will synchronize those and do all that work for you!
- Google Chrome - lightening browser - free. Works really well. More improvements on the way. We'll see
- Gmail - best email program if you want to get less junk. It is what I use for all personal email. Virtually NO spam and it goes where it is supposed to go. Also has a desktop offline feature so always can read email later if you can't be on line long enough. I have hotmail and yahoo but gmail wins hands down in the spam/junk department. I now use Yahoo for those places that require an email address but from whom I do not wish to get trash in my inbox. Hotmail is similar but that is for places I actually want to try a newsletter to see if I like it. I am able to redirect my hotmail to my gmail without giving my gmail address away. ;) I love Google in all it's forms! Brilliant thinkers there.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Saturday Drag
I woke up early, before 6 I suspect. My sleep is always like that. Waking for no reason. But I fought the Puritan ethic and closed my eyes. Umm, no, I got up and changed clothes because I was soaking wet. Then I went to the bathroom and back to bed. Slept until 8:30 at which time I was certain I'd be punished if I slept longer.
This has gotten worse as I get older, this "I have to get up before it's too late" idea. I loved sleeping in. Jerry used to let me whenever possible. If I was off, he caught the phone before it woke me. The ringer was always off by our bed so wouldn't be jarred awake in the middle of the night. I could hear the one down the hall and could pick up. He closed my door so as not to disturb me if someone came. I could sleep till noon. I usually was up by 9 but he'd bring me coffee as soon as he heard me. When Jerry was alive life was more like life. Living was more like living.
Funny. I used to think the term "walking dead" was created for Hollywood movies.
I've change my photo on my page again. You all know I move the furniture frequently. The background is from the Yucatan where I went on my cruise. The banner is a background photo that came with my laptop but is available at Interfacelift. I get a lot of beautiful backgrounds for my computer there and have used some here. I want to be in that place. Mentally if not physically.
Today I pay bills. I usually get straight to it but I don't really want to bother this morning. My statement just appeared in my email. Ugh. Hate reconciliations.
My back was really bad the last few days. I put Valtoren gel on it last night and I think it is better. The arthritis I guess was acting up. I have those lidocaine patches they gave me for that upper back pain but guess what, can't wear them. I knew when I first got them I started noticing that my heart would flutter and it bothered me. I couldn't figure out what would cause it and I was concerned for days. I only wore them a week. But only a week ago or so did I run across something I already knew. Too much Lidocaine will stop your heart. Seriously. I wasn't looking for that bit of information, by the way. That patch was placed over my back, just to the left of my spine. Directly over my heart from the back. Tell me the doctor didn't think of this? Tell me she couldn't possibly have known this to be a problem. I'm highly sensitive to most pain killers anyway. I won't wear it again, although I have about half a dozen. And the flutters stopped after I stopped wearing them.
Sarah just arrived to stay with me while they finish the last of the moving. It is just that usual stray stuff that one has in a move across town and you didn't pack as well as you thought you did. They're very tired but happy with their new place. Please pray for the jobs to keep coming for Dave. He's working temp jobs and they tend to be sporadic. He can't afford that. He needs a steady job to be able to pay his share of the rent.
Well, must go now. Laundry to do, bank statement, kitchen cleanup, bed to make. I think the transmission in my washer is going out. It makes noises now as if it is trying to climb a hill.
This has gotten worse as I get older, this "I have to get up before it's too late" idea. I loved sleeping in. Jerry used to let me whenever possible. If I was off, he caught the phone before it woke me. The ringer was always off by our bed so wouldn't be jarred awake in the middle of the night. I could hear the one down the hall and could pick up. He closed my door so as not to disturb me if someone came. I could sleep till noon. I usually was up by 9 but he'd bring me coffee as soon as he heard me. When Jerry was alive life was more like life. Living was more like living.
Funny. I used to think the term "walking dead" was created for Hollywood movies.
I've change my photo on my page again. You all know I move the furniture frequently. The background is from the Yucatan where I went on my cruise. The banner is a background photo that came with my laptop but is available at Interfacelift. I get a lot of beautiful backgrounds for my computer there and have used some here. I want to be in that place. Mentally if not physically.
Today I pay bills. I usually get straight to it but I don't really want to bother this morning. My statement just appeared in my email. Ugh. Hate reconciliations.
My back was really bad the last few days. I put Valtoren gel on it last night and I think it is better. The arthritis I guess was acting up. I have those lidocaine patches they gave me for that upper back pain but guess what, can't wear them. I knew when I first got them I started noticing that my heart would flutter and it bothered me. I couldn't figure out what would cause it and I was concerned for days. I only wore them a week. But only a week ago or so did I run across something I already knew. Too much Lidocaine will stop your heart. Seriously. I wasn't looking for that bit of information, by the way. That patch was placed over my back, just to the left of my spine. Directly over my heart from the back. Tell me the doctor didn't think of this? Tell me she couldn't possibly have known this to be a problem. I'm highly sensitive to most pain killers anyway. I won't wear it again, although I have about half a dozen. And the flutters stopped after I stopped wearing them.
Sarah just arrived to stay with me while they finish the last of the moving. It is just that usual stray stuff that one has in a move across town and you didn't pack as well as you thought you did. They're very tired but happy with their new place. Please pray for the jobs to keep coming for Dave. He's working temp jobs and they tend to be sporadic. He can't afford that. He needs a steady job to be able to pay his share of the rent.
Well, must go now. Laundry to do, bank statement, kitchen cleanup, bed to make. I think the transmission in my washer is going out. It makes noises now as if it is trying to climb a hill.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Not Looking for the Weekend
I'm home again today. My back is not working well. Probably because I was sitting all day yesterday and today. I'm still in possession of my faculties but I'm an emotional wreck it seems. I have to use great caution to not fall apart and start thinking crazy. Well, crazier than usual. I'm just tired I think.
Frankly, I should have gone to work. But I kept Sarah for Dave and Becca to finish their moving, too. There was no one else to do it and she couldn't have gone with them. She really took care of herself. I just provided the food and got up to pop in the videos. She did the rest. Since I was here anyway it wasn't any trouble. I have been working on my landlord' handbook, doing the updates. I've finished it and when I get to work on Monday I should be able to print it and have it ready to put in packets. This is something I have to do annually and it always takes a back seat to other projects. I created the handbook and so there is no one else to really do it. If I stop, well, that'd be interesting.
Sarah is gone home now. I took her to the new place and went with Dave to take the truck back and he picked up his car and went home too. It is a much nicer place than they were living. They have a nice balcony, too, so they will enjoy sitting that. There's a pool, too. Dave is a bit annoyed because he can't grill on the balcony but it is a covered balcony and they don't allow it. He didn't know it when they rented the apartment. But I think he'll be all right with it. I told him he could take my portable grill and use it to grill in the back. He loves to grill out.
He's a bit like me. Doesn't like to leave home for much and not crazy about lots of company. Takes it in small doses. I get over stimulated and just feel exhausted afterward and I think he does, too.
I don't know about the weekend. I'm not actually looking forward to it at all. I feel like I'm in the wrong place, that I made a wrong turn or got up in a strange house. I know that makes no sense. So you know what I'm talking about. That's how I feel. It is like waiting for the other shoe to drop, the axe to fall, or some such cliche. I'm sure there are more.
I'm going now. I think I'll look at another Twin Peaks episode. I'm going to miss it when I run out of them. It was such an odd show. A bit serious about some things and tongue in cheek about others. Or maybe I'll write. I'm not ecstatic about what I've done so far. Probably just me.
Frankly, I should have gone to work. But I kept Sarah for Dave and Becca to finish their moving, too. There was no one else to do it and she couldn't have gone with them. She really took care of herself. I just provided the food and got up to pop in the videos. She did the rest. Since I was here anyway it wasn't any trouble. I have been working on my landlord' handbook, doing the updates. I've finished it and when I get to work on Monday I should be able to print it and have it ready to put in packets. This is something I have to do annually and it always takes a back seat to other projects. I created the handbook and so there is no one else to really do it. If I stop, well, that'd be interesting.
Sarah is gone home now. I took her to the new place and went with Dave to take the truck back and he picked up his car and went home too. It is a much nicer place than they were living. They have a nice balcony, too, so they will enjoy sitting that. There's a pool, too. Dave is a bit annoyed because he can't grill on the balcony but it is a covered balcony and they don't allow it. He didn't know it when they rented the apartment. But I think he'll be all right with it. I told him he could take my portable grill and use it to grill in the back. He loves to grill out.
He's a bit like me. Doesn't like to leave home for much and not crazy about lots of company. Takes it in small doses. I get over stimulated and just feel exhausted afterward and I think he does, too.
I don't know about the weekend. I'm not actually looking forward to it at all. I feel like I'm in the wrong place, that I made a wrong turn or got up in a strange house. I know that makes no sense. So you know what I'm talking about. That's how I feel. It is like waiting for the other shoe to drop, the axe to fall, or some such cliche. I'm sure there are more.
I'm going now. I think I'll look at another Twin Peaks episode. I'm going to miss it when I run out of them. It was such an odd show. A bit serious about some things and tongue in cheek about others. Or maybe I'll write. I'm not ecstatic about what I've done so far. Probably just me.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Late Thursday Afternoon
I've just laid around all day. I'm really tired. I had to take Dave to get the U-Haul truck so they could move. I'm with Sarah while they work on packing the truck. I'm so tired. Sarah was but she hasn't taken a nap. We've got Berenstain Bears on and we already watched Care Bears. She's playing with the doll house and watching the videos.
She's such a good child. No trouble at all the care for. She never plunders or gets into stuff. She never messes with anything in the house. Of course I don't keep dangerous stuff lying around but even the breakables on the tables she never touches. I probably could lie here and sleep if I wanted. But I can't sleep.
My head is still not right. I've been writing off and on. I figure if I can get that out of this mess, then that's the up side. Might as well use the imagination for something besides torment. I'm a bit worried about it really. It was a very bad attack and I have no defense. I'm very anti-medication for these things because there is no going back. They treat the symptom and not the cause. The cause isn't going away soon, I don't think.
I think I'll lie down now and watch the bears. Sarah has been flitting around between the doll house and video. Maybe I can get her to lie down with me.
She's such a good child. No trouble at all the care for. She never plunders or gets into stuff. She never messes with anything in the house. Of course I don't keep dangerous stuff lying around but even the breakables on the tables she never touches. I probably could lie here and sleep if I wanted. But I can't sleep.
My head is still not right. I've been writing off and on. I figure if I can get that out of this mess, then that's the up side. Might as well use the imagination for something besides torment. I'm a bit worried about it really. It was a very bad attack and I have no defense. I'm very anti-medication for these things because there is no going back. They treat the symptom and not the cause. The cause isn't going away soon, I don't think.
I think I'll lie down now and watch the bears. Sarah has been flitting around between the doll house and video. Maybe I can get her to lie down with me.
Descent
Came home from work and had a panic attack yesterday. Lasted until the wee hours of the morning. Becca came and stayed the night with me. I do not know if I'm better. I'm not having irrational thoughts, fears, and reactions at the moment. I'm exhausted. I remember 3:30 a.m. and that is the last thing I remember. I woke at 5:45 a.m. and again when the clock went off at 6:30.
I'm astounded at what sent me over the edge. A castor bean plant. Really. Did I tell you I had planted one in the back yard to ward off the moles. They left. Now I've seen these things in gardens and lawns for years. In the back of my mind I knew they were poison. Castor oil comes from the plant. The beans are deadly. I forgot it is ricin, the deadliest poison known to man. Someone reminded me and asked me, Did I know the whole plant is deadly? My mind, stressed beyond normal limits from the last several weeks, simply went haywire. I felt it happen. Had I known that? I don' think so. What if Sarah got into it? What if someone else did? Did I touch it? Yes. Could that poison someone? And the spiral went off the chart.
It is with difficulty I even relate this. I'm a fairly rational person. But I have a very vivid and active imagination that sometimes I can't control. Once started the panic attack doesn't stop because someone says calm down. Thinking becomes absolutely irrational and every fear you ever had is sucked into the spiral and you relive them... repeatedly. You look for terrors where there had been none. They play one by one through a brain overloaded with stress hormones. You can't stop the slide show in your brain and you can't stop the emotional responses to it. You are literally losing your grip on reality. You're going insane.
This is one of the most hellacious conditions imaginable. It is why people kill themselves. It is as real as the clothes on your back, the air you breath. And it is all, every second, in your head. And you know it. And you can't stop it.
So, today, I'm home. I'm out of sick time more or less. I called in at 8 and told them I was sick. A little while ago I called my boss and just told him that I had planned to come in and what had happened. I told him I would come in tomorrow but today I simply was not able to deal with things. He said that was fine. I have a good boss in that respect.
I have no energy left this morning. I am hoping this was a single episode. I had panic attacks several years ago, probably about five years ago. They lasted for several months and got worse and worse. A man in our church prayed for me one night during one of the attacks and they left and I've never had one since.
Your prayers would be appreciated today.
I'm astounded at what sent me over the edge. A castor bean plant. Really. Did I tell you I had planted one in the back yard to ward off the moles. They left. Now I've seen these things in gardens and lawns for years. In the back of my mind I knew they were poison. Castor oil comes from the plant. The beans are deadly. I forgot it is ricin, the deadliest poison known to man. Someone reminded me and asked me, Did I know the whole plant is deadly? My mind, stressed beyond normal limits from the last several weeks, simply went haywire. I felt it happen. Had I known that? I don' think so. What if Sarah got into it? What if someone else did? Did I touch it? Yes. Could that poison someone? And the spiral went off the chart.
It is with difficulty I even relate this. I'm a fairly rational person. But I have a very vivid and active imagination that sometimes I can't control. Once started the panic attack doesn't stop because someone says calm down. Thinking becomes absolutely irrational and every fear you ever had is sucked into the spiral and you relive them... repeatedly. You look for terrors where there had been none. They play one by one through a brain overloaded with stress hormones. You can't stop the slide show in your brain and you can't stop the emotional responses to it. You are literally losing your grip on reality. You're going insane.
This is one of the most hellacious conditions imaginable. It is why people kill themselves. It is as real as the clothes on your back, the air you breath. And it is all, every second, in your head. And you know it. And you can't stop it.
So, today, I'm home. I'm out of sick time more or less. I called in at 8 and told them I was sick. A little while ago I called my boss and just told him that I had planned to come in and what had happened. I told him I would come in tomorrow but today I simply was not able to deal with things. He said that was fine. I have a good boss in that respect.
I have no energy left this morning. I am hoping this was a single episode. I had panic attacks several years ago, probably about five years ago. They lasted for several months and got worse and worse. A man in our church prayed for me one night during one of the attacks and they left and I've never had one since.
Your prayers would be appreciated today.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Junk Mail
My dad sent me an email with the following advice. It is excellent advice, most of which I already follow. I do not get very much junk mail... I don't do mass forwards to my friends and so don't end up on lists. I also send junk mail back to the sender in their own envelopes. I'm no longer getting invitations to credit card companies, although I have a high credit rating!
Here is the info for your consumption. I didn't forward it! I posted it on my blog. Aren't blogs wonderful?
JUNK MAIL
The man that sent this information is a computer tech. He spends a lot of time clearing the junk off computers for people and listens to complaints about speed. All forwards are not bad, just some. Be sure you read the very last paragraph.
______________________________
He wrote:
By now, I suspect everyone is familiar with snopes.com and/or truthorfiction.com for determining whether information received via email is just that: true/false or fact/fiction. Both are excellent sites.
Advice from snopes.com VERY IMPORTANT!!
1) Any time you see an email that says "forward this on to '10' (or however many) of your friends", "sign this petition", or "you'll get bad luck" or "you'll get good luck" or "you'll see something funny on your screen after you send it" or whatever --- it almost always has an email tracker program attached that tracks the cookies and emails of those folks you forward to. The host sender is getting a copy each time it gets forwarded and then is able to get lists of 'active' email addresses to use in SPAM emails or sell to other Spammers. Even when you get emails that demand you send the email on if you're not ashamed of God/Jesus --- that is email tracking, and they are playing on our conscience. These people don't care how they get your email addresses - just as long as they get them. Also, emails that talk about a missing child or a child with an incurable disease "how would you feel if that was your child" --- email tracking. Ignore them and don't participate!
2) Almost all emails that ask you to add your name and forward on to others are similar to that mass letter years ago that asked people to send business cards to the little kid in Florida who wanted to break the Guinness Book of Records for the most cards. All it was, and all any of this type of email is, is a way to get names and 'cookie' tracking information for telemarketers and Spammers -- to validate active email accounts for their own profitable purposes.
You can do your Friends and Family members a GREAT favor by sending this information to them. You will be providing a service to your friends. And you will be rewarded by not getting thousands of spam emails in the future!
Do yourself a favor and STOP adding your name(s) to those types of listing regardless how inviting they might sound! Or make you feel guilty if you don't! It's all about getting email addresses and nothing more.
You may think you are supporting a GREAT cause, but you are NOT!
Instead, you will be getting tons of junk mail later and very possibly a virus attached! Plus, we are helping the Spammers get rich! Let's not make it easy for them!
ALSO: Email petitions are NOT acceptable to Congress of any other organization - I.e. Social security, etc. To be acceptable, petitions must have a "signed signature" and full address of the person signing the petition, so this is a waste of time and you are just helping the email trackers.
Tips for Handling Telemarketers
Three Little Words That Work!!
(1)The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...'
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting..
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call, and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get 'ads' enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these 'ads' with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 44 cents postage, 'IF' and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney 's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 44 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!
If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS
Explosion on Alvord
Yes, it happened. And it is going to leave an ugly mess.
I had a horrible couple of days. Exhaustion lead to a melt down. I sit and cry every morning before I go to work. I don't know why. I just do. I sit in my empty house and wonder what to do. I need to crawl into a hole and pull the dirt in on top of me. I'm really too tired to dig one.
I didn't get a lunch hour yesterday. I spent the entire hour hauling Mike around so he could sell plasma which he didn't sell at all. That won't happen again.
Then, I went home yesterday to find that Mike had left huge sections of the yard uncut the day before. I don't monitor responsible adults. I forgot he is irresponsible. For weeks now he's left areas uncut, areas I can't see if I don't really walk behind the shed or hedges. One area I've pointed out for week. The grass is now over my knees in some areas and over my head in others. I dragged my sister's mower out because mine is in the shop and she let us use her's. I cut most of this stuff down.
The fence David took down still lay on the ground, despite my begging for weeks for him to come and get it up so we could cut that area. Grass grew up in it. He kept saying he couldn't get it up because small trees were grown in it and he had to cut them down to get it out. I went out and PULLED the flipping fence away from the so-called "trees". Mostly grass and vines, not trees. In one place a large tree stump has encased the fence. I can cut this out with an axe. Which I will do this afternoon when I get home. I will also drag the fences to the street along with the metal posts.
By the time I finished, I realized that David had arrived at my house while I was doing all the fence pulling and cutting and was sitting in the air conditioned living room. He was there to pick up the mower and go cut my sister's yard... for pay. I was gasping for breath, sweat rolling off my body, my back was screaming and my arms were hurting. He asked me about the mower. I told him he could do what he wanted that I didn't care. He never batted an eye but rather got smart and ask what my problem was and left with a smart remark.
I then called Mike and told him to never ask me for another thing, not money, not a ride, not to use the computer or the phone. I told Becca that the next time David needed gas money or anything else, he could take a flying leap. I informed them all that I was no longer saving money to leave behind when I was dead. I was going to spend it all on me and my house and hiring professional to do the job the imbeciles couldn't do. I will pay more but at least it will get done and done right.
Today, my back is wracked every time I lift my arm. My neck hurts a bit and my arm hurts.
I'm finished. I'm not wealthy. I have very average income. But if I died before retiring, that retirement money goes somewhere and I have life insurance. So, if I have one dime left by the time I leave this world it will all belong to Sarah when she reaches her 25th birthday. I'm getting the beneficiary forms in my paycheck this weekend.
I'm fed up with leaches and free loaders. I live with this day in and day out on my job but I'll be @#$%#@ if I will be related to them. I WORK for a living. Everyone else needs to do the same. And if they don't want to work or spend the money wisely, don't stick a hand out to me because I'll chop it off at the shoulder.
I'm about to travel.
I had a horrible couple of days. Exhaustion lead to a melt down. I sit and cry every morning before I go to work. I don't know why. I just do. I sit in my empty house and wonder what to do. I need to crawl into a hole and pull the dirt in on top of me. I'm really too tired to dig one.
I didn't get a lunch hour yesterday. I spent the entire hour hauling Mike around so he could sell plasma which he didn't sell at all. That won't happen again.
Then, I went home yesterday to find that Mike had left huge sections of the yard uncut the day before. I don't monitor responsible adults. I forgot he is irresponsible. For weeks now he's left areas uncut, areas I can't see if I don't really walk behind the shed or hedges. One area I've pointed out for week. The grass is now over my knees in some areas and over my head in others. I dragged my sister's mower out because mine is in the shop and she let us use her's. I cut most of this stuff down.
The fence David took down still lay on the ground, despite my begging for weeks for him to come and get it up so we could cut that area. Grass grew up in it. He kept saying he couldn't get it up because small trees were grown in it and he had to cut them down to get it out. I went out and PULLED the flipping fence away from the so-called "trees". Mostly grass and vines, not trees. In one place a large tree stump has encased the fence. I can cut this out with an axe. Which I will do this afternoon when I get home. I will also drag the fences to the street along with the metal posts.
By the time I finished, I realized that David had arrived at my house while I was doing all the fence pulling and cutting and was sitting in the air conditioned living room. He was there to pick up the mower and go cut my sister's yard... for pay. I was gasping for breath, sweat rolling off my body, my back was screaming and my arms were hurting. He asked me about the mower. I told him he could do what he wanted that I didn't care. He never batted an eye but rather got smart and ask what my problem was and left with a smart remark.
I then called Mike and told him to never ask me for another thing, not money, not a ride, not to use the computer or the phone. I told Becca that the next time David needed gas money or anything else, he could take a flying leap. I informed them all that I was no longer saving money to leave behind when I was dead. I was going to spend it all on me and my house and hiring professional to do the job the imbeciles couldn't do. I will pay more but at least it will get done and done right.
Today, my back is wracked every time I lift my arm. My neck hurts a bit and my arm hurts.
I'm finished. I'm not wealthy. I have very average income. But if I died before retiring, that retirement money goes somewhere and I have life insurance. So, if I have one dime left by the time I leave this world it will all belong to Sarah when she reaches her 25th birthday. I'm getting the beneficiary forms in my paycheck this weekend.
I'm fed up with leaches and free loaders. I live with this day in and day out on my job but I'll be @#$%#@ if I will be related to them. I WORK for a living. Everyone else needs to do the same. And if they don't want to work or spend the money wisely, don't stick a hand out to me because I'll chop it off at the shoulder.
I'm about to travel.
Monday, July 26, 2010
A Monday without End
It appears that way. Got to work and the system was down and just now came back up, at 1:25 p.m.. Fortunately, I had files to review so it helped me in that respect.
I went to bed at a reasonable time for me last night but it was nearly two a.m. before I could get to sleep. I tossed and turned and everywhere I lay something hurt, my shoulder, my leg, my knees, my feet, my neck. And I seemed to be suddenly wide awake! It was awful. As a result, I'm a zombie today. I can barely sit here. I'm seriously considering leaving early and going home to sleep. I don't like working this impaired.
Some may notice a new member of my contacts. He may or may not drop in here from time to time and leave comments. Pay him no mind. He can be quite annoying. Very arrogant, opinionated man. Great teacher but well. . . just beware.
I am seriously going to go away somewhere in August or September. I need some peace and quiet. My aunt and uncle have extended an invitation. I believe I mentioned that already. I'm either going to accept that or, if they decide not to go anywhere, I'm going on my own. I just want to run away for a few days.
You know, I'm just generally confused about things. I don't really know what I want but I want to stop running so fast. That is what it feels like. I'm just on this wheel that goes round and round and I end up nowhere but dizzy and worn out.
Some of the problem is internal. I get unbearably lonely but manage to redirect my attention at times so it is something I can deal with in short bursts. But it never really goes away. There is no fix for it. I'm not one to fill up time with empty pursuits but it is very hard to focus. I watch a lot more t.v. than I've done in years. I still can't read much. It seems to take more energy than I have. I don't have that many close friends to occupy my leisure time. And writing is in fits and starts. I force myself to do it.
I said somewhere recently, most of my close friends have been male but I'm not looking for boyfriends either. My early marriage was spent with my husband and his friends. I had none. Our first few years in the military I would often have an extra place for one of the single guys that worked with my husband and who had no family for holidays and special occasions. I was the girl they all said they wished they'd got. I remember one fella who said he was going back home to Georgia and see if he could find a girl just like me! I laughed and told him I was from Alabama. He said it was close enough.
But I'm not a fool. I know that in the grand scheme of things there is usually only one great love. I had it. It wasn't one of those sappy movies. It was real life in the trenches but there is no way to even come close to that again. When I think about it, it just boggles my mind that I had such a man in the first place and seemed not to have noticed it very much. Oh, I knew it but it seemed normal to me. It wasn't. The way that I was loved is inexplicable and impossible. I even told him that on several occasions and he couldn't see it. They do not make these men anymore. There are no more heroes in the ranks. They are leaving the planet one by one. More's the pity.
I suspect the biggest culprit to the general unhappiness is the inability to find my way in the dark. It's dark. It's always dark. Glimmers of light slip past here and there but slip away just as quickly. I was thinking I don't remember laughing a real laugh for a very long time. I laugh but I walk away and there is no lingering joy, fun, or humor. And I have no direction. Someone stole my compass. I can't remember that no one is going to deal with insurance, leaks, crumbling walls, tall grass, and heavy loads. No one is going to rub my back when it hurts, hold my hand when I'm sick, and bring me coffee for no reason.
It isn't only Monday that is without end.
I went to bed at a reasonable time for me last night but it was nearly two a.m. before I could get to sleep. I tossed and turned and everywhere I lay something hurt, my shoulder, my leg, my knees, my feet, my neck. And I seemed to be suddenly wide awake! It was awful. As a result, I'm a zombie today. I can barely sit here. I'm seriously considering leaving early and going home to sleep. I don't like working this impaired.
Some may notice a new member of my contacts. He may or may not drop in here from time to time and leave comments. Pay him no mind. He can be quite annoying. Very arrogant, opinionated man. Great teacher but well. . . just beware.
I am seriously going to go away somewhere in August or September. I need some peace and quiet. My aunt and uncle have extended an invitation. I believe I mentioned that already. I'm either going to accept that or, if they decide not to go anywhere, I'm going on my own. I just want to run away for a few days.
You know, I'm just generally confused about things. I don't really know what I want but I want to stop running so fast. That is what it feels like. I'm just on this wheel that goes round and round and I end up nowhere but dizzy and worn out.
Some of the problem is internal. I get unbearably lonely but manage to redirect my attention at times so it is something I can deal with in short bursts. But it never really goes away. There is no fix for it. I'm not one to fill up time with empty pursuits but it is very hard to focus. I watch a lot more t.v. than I've done in years. I still can't read much. It seems to take more energy than I have. I don't have that many close friends to occupy my leisure time. And writing is in fits and starts. I force myself to do it.
I said somewhere recently, most of my close friends have been male but I'm not looking for boyfriends either. My early marriage was spent with my husband and his friends. I had none. Our first few years in the military I would often have an extra place for one of the single guys that worked with my husband and who had no family for holidays and special occasions. I was the girl they all said they wished they'd got. I remember one fella who said he was going back home to Georgia and see if he could find a girl just like me! I laughed and told him I was from Alabama. He said it was close enough.
But I'm not a fool. I know that in the grand scheme of things there is usually only one great love. I had it. It wasn't one of those sappy movies. It was real life in the trenches but there is no way to even come close to that again. When I think about it, it just boggles my mind that I had such a man in the first place and seemed not to have noticed it very much. Oh, I knew it but it seemed normal to me. It wasn't. The way that I was loved is inexplicable and impossible. I even told him that on several occasions and he couldn't see it. They do not make these men anymore. There are no more heroes in the ranks. They are leaving the planet one by one. More's the pity.
I suspect the biggest culprit to the general unhappiness is the inability to find my way in the dark. It's dark. It's always dark. Glimmers of light slip past here and there but slip away just as quickly. I was thinking I don't remember laughing a real laugh for a very long time. I laugh but I walk away and there is no lingering joy, fun, or humor. And I have no direction. Someone stole my compass. I can't remember that no one is going to deal with insurance, leaks, crumbling walls, tall grass, and heavy loads. No one is going to rub my back when it hurts, hold my hand when I'm sick, and bring me coffee for no reason.
It isn't only Monday that is without end.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Late Night with Dixie
Yes! I'm still up! I've had a rather interesting day.... one where I actually felt better! O.k. don't get excited. These thing tend to come and go.
At any rate, I'm sitting watching Twin Peaks. I've never seen the whole series. Only saw a few when it was originally on. LOL, it's really pretty good. And Kyle is sooo easy on the eyes!
Been writing this weekend. I think it is .... good? Well, I don't actually like it. But someone, actually two someones, once said I should write what I'm uncomfortable with. I've been doing that. It is... uncomfortable. LOL.
Ok, time for bed. g'nite!
At any rate, I'm sitting watching Twin Peaks. I've never seen the whole series. Only saw a few when it was originally on. LOL, it's really pretty good. And Kyle is sooo easy on the eyes!
Been writing this weekend. I think it is .... good? Well, I don't actually like it. But someone, actually two someones, once said I should write what I'm uncomfortable with. I've been doing that. It is... uncomfortable. LOL.
Ok, time for bed. g'nite!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
How Green was My Yard
Pretty green actually. Dave and Becca are out on a date and I'm letting them use my car because they have no air on theirs. They are coming back later and work on the yard. Tall grass will be history by bedtime. I sincerely hope.
Mike was on the phone. I think with my aunt. He's been on the phone most of the day or on the internet. This is his problem. He never shuts up. Never. He's going to start the yard work I hope so it won't be such a huge job for everyone. And will burn off some of his energy.
He started on the yard and ran out of gas. So we're waiting for Dave to get back.
I'm tired but I've done very little since this morning. Mopped the floors, cleaned the sinks, and fixed the blade on the ceiling fan. It was loose and i just noticed it. Also fixed the light fixture with my trusty hot glue gun. A screw had fallen out of the ceramic socket and there was no way to put one back in. It has been this way for a long time. I just got fed up and took hot glue and put on it and stuck it up there. Presto.
I've been sitting in the den all day looking out at the oven. Here it is 7 pm and still 93 degrees. Miserable. Too miserable to enjoy my patio or yard. I've been watching t.v. shows all afternoon and writing some. I feel so stifled in the writing but I know the fix is to write. But I've done a lot, over 1500 words. in two days... about two hours work, 177 of those were done yesterday on a break. So, its ok. Becca sat and listened to me read it this afternoon to her. She cut her eyes at me and said, "So where's the rest of it?" I told her I was working on it.
Well, Dave is back and I have to go for now. Got to get the yard done. They've gone to get Sarah and she will be here shortly. I suspect stories will be in the offing. My sister has had her all afternoon and she's tired.
Mike was on the phone. I think with my aunt. He's been on the phone most of the day or on the internet. This is his problem. He never shuts up. Never. He's going to start the yard work I hope so it won't be such a huge job for everyone. And will burn off some of his energy.
He started on the yard and ran out of gas. So we're waiting for Dave to get back.
I'm tired but I've done very little since this morning. Mopped the floors, cleaned the sinks, and fixed the blade on the ceiling fan. It was loose and i just noticed it. Also fixed the light fixture with my trusty hot glue gun. A screw had fallen out of the ceramic socket and there was no way to put one back in. It has been this way for a long time. I just got fed up and took hot glue and put on it and stuck it up there. Presto.
I've been sitting in the den all day looking out at the oven. Here it is 7 pm and still 93 degrees. Miserable. Too miserable to enjoy my patio or yard. I've been watching t.v. shows all afternoon and writing some. I feel so stifled in the writing but I know the fix is to write. But I've done a lot, over 1500 words. in two days... about two hours work, 177 of those were done yesterday on a break. So, its ok. Becca sat and listened to me read it this afternoon to her. She cut her eyes at me and said, "So where's the rest of it?" I told her I was working on it.
Well, Dave is back and I have to go for now. Got to get the yard done. They've gone to get Sarah and she will be here shortly. I suspect stories will be in the offing. My sister has had her all afternoon and she's tired.
Breakfast at Dixie's
There is a Grand's biscuit in the toaster and a piece of Jimmy Dean Sausage waiting to meet it and some Cherry preserves that will cover the meeting. I've got hazelnut coffee at my side.
It is a sunny Saturday and I want to badly to go out and just site under the red umbrella but it is already over 85 and the grass is high which means mosquitoes will be around in the little shade I have. I have to get the mower to the store today if I have to push it. It's a long, long way. I am praying for someone who wants yard work to pass by and stop.
I haven't written much this week because I've simply pushed the grindstone hard so I'd not be so buried the rest of the month. Yesterday set me back. I had to work on utility allowance charts rather than my real job. My boss sent me an email and ask me to review them in the system to see if they were correct after corporate has entered them. He said, "If you say they are correct I'll accept it as gospel." Truth is, he had no clue where to look.
The biscuit and sausage and cherry is now history. I'm now working on the coffee.
My house is quiet. And I hope today it will stay that way. My aunt and I were talking about a mini vacation in a month or so to the Chattanooga area or Lookout Mountain. I have to get away. I was planning it on my own, as I think I mentioned, but just couldn't get an idea as to what I wanted. She called and said my uncle wanted them to meet me somewhere and was I interested. I told her what I'd been doing and even sent her the link to two places I had thought about going. I suspect a hotel would be cheaper but I found two charming bed and breakfasts that I though would be so relaxing. Something different with a friendlier atmosphere. Anyway, she's going to check on things and get back to me.
She wanted me to come down on the weekend of Aug 6th because Stuck in the Middle and my niece, Kayla, will be there but I just didn't want to go. That is Jerry's birthday and I've had a difficult time with such days. And honestly, what I need it to go somewhere to get away from everything. I don't need to feel obligated to be company. Does that sound odd or unfriendly? I do have a wonderful time when I get to see my sister and niece. They are loads of fun and we all get along well. But I'm running on empty at the moment. I'm all out of whatever it takes for us to deal with people. When I go with my aunt and uncle, they sort of leave me to do my own thing.
Yesterday, I got a call about Mike from Becca. He had gone back to the "girlfriend's" house last week against my better judgment. Did I mention about having to go and get him last Sunday? If I didn't I won't. Just know it was a bad weekend. They were on the verge of a breakup. Think two unstable people trying to cope with emotional insecurity and mood swings. Yes. That bad. I told him not to go back, to just let things go for a bit. They don't KNOW one another. Well, he had her come get him anyway. I wasn't liking what I was hearing sand seeing from her at all and my gut said don't go. He's crazy and won't listen.
Mike is a pain in the neck and does dumb things but he isn't a bad person and has never done anything more than run his mouth about things. He's never been in trouble, never done drugs, never drank, doesn't smoke. So, the call came yesterday while I was at lunch with Carolyn, my friend from work, and again, I won't go into it but I was terrified. I couldn't go get him because I'd told him I wouldn't if he had a problem again. But this was a serious situation that could come down on all of us. I must have looked like death because Carolyn got worried about me. She's a good friend and she doesn't usually react too much. She knows Mike very well. He adores her because she listens to him when he's upset. But she was clearly concerned. I was a wreck. She came down to check on me several times the rest of the afternoon. Mike finally got home later that day but I told him under no circumstances could any of them ever come back to David's and my homes. If he chose to continue the relationship he was own his own.
I need to get away from all my responsibilities as a family member. It is horrible to say. I adore my children beyond reason. I have nothing left in my life of any merit but my family. If something happens to one of them, I doubt seriously I'll survive that. I'm done. Being invited to my aunts in two weeks normally would be fun but I really just don't want to cope with all the personal turmoil involved in family groups and trying to be a normal human being and react normally. I want peace. I just want to sit somewhere and not be required to do more than look at the landscape and not think. I don't want to talk on the phone or listen to anyone tell about their happiness or how wonderful life is for them. Life isn't wonderful. I don't want to listen to anyone's troubles because I can't afford to feel sympathy or empathy. All of those things act like salt in an open wound. I know that sounds nuts and even awful. But this is the first time I've ever been this close to a nervous breakdown and for me to admit that should tell you how very bad it is.
Now that I've spilled my guts and got that out, I have to go. I've spend nearly an hour here writing this. Well, between cooking, eating, and editing. I'm making lots of mistakes but the little feature that allow you to click and correct is very wonderful.
I'm going now. I hope everyone has a really good weekend. I'm lying low. It is too hot to go anywhere and I don't know where I'd go anyway.
It is a sunny Saturday and I want to badly to go out and just site under the red umbrella but it is already over 85 and the grass is high which means mosquitoes will be around in the little shade I have. I have to get the mower to the store today if I have to push it. It's a long, long way. I am praying for someone who wants yard work to pass by and stop.
I haven't written much this week because I've simply pushed the grindstone hard so I'd not be so buried the rest of the month. Yesterday set me back. I had to work on utility allowance charts rather than my real job. My boss sent me an email and ask me to review them in the system to see if they were correct after corporate has entered them. He said, "If you say they are correct I'll accept it as gospel." Truth is, he had no clue where to look.
The biscuit and sausage and cherry is now history. I'm now working on the coffee.
My house is quiet. And I hope today it will stay that way. My aunt and I were talking about a mini vacation in a month or so to the Chattanooga area or Lookout Mountain. I have to get away. I was planning it on my own, as I think I mentioned, but just couldn't get an idea as to what I wanted. She called and said my uncle wanted them to meet me somewhere and was I interested. I told her what I'd been doing and even sent her the link to two places I had thought about going. I suspect a hotel would be cheaper but I found two charming bed and breakfasts that I though would be so relaxing. Something different with a friendlier atmosphere. Anyway, she's going to check on things and get back to me.
She wanted me to come down on the weekend of Aug 6th because Stuck in the Middle and my niece, Kayla, will be there but I just didn't want to go. That is Jerry's birthday and I've had a difficult time with such days. And honestly, what I need it to go somewhere to get away from everything. I don't need to feel obligated to be company. Does that sound odd or unfriendly? I do have a wonderful time when I get to see my sister and niece. They are loads of fun and we all get along well. But I'm running on empty at the moment. I'm all out of whatever it takes for us to deal with people. When I go with my aunt and uncle, they sort of leave me to do my own thing.
Yesterday, I got a call about Mike from Becca. He had gone back to the "girlfriend's" house last week against my better judgment. Did I mention about having to go and get him last Sunday? If I didn't I won't. Just know it was a bad weekend. They were on the verge of a breakup. Think two unstable people trying to cope with emotional insecurity and mood swings. Yes. That bad. I told him not to go back, to just let things go for a bit. They don't KNOW one another. Well, he had her come get him anyway. I wasn't liking what I was hearing sand seeing from her at all and my gut said don't go. He's crazy and won't listen.
Mike is a pain in the neck and does dumb things but he isn't a bad person and has never done anything more than run his mouth about things. He's never been in trouble, never done drugs, never drank, doesn't smoke. So, the call came yesterday while I was at lunch with Carolyn, my friend from work, and again, I won't go into it but I was terrified. I couldn't go get him because I'd told him I wouldn't if he had a problem again. But this was a serious situation that could come down on all of us. I must have looked like death because Carolyn got worried about me. She's a good friend and she doesn't usually react too much. She knows Mike very well. He adores her because she listens to him when he's upset. But she was clearly concerned. I was a wreck. She came down to check on me several times the rest of the afternoon. Mike finally got home later that day but I told him under no circumstances could any of them ever come back to David's and my homes. If he chose to continue the relationship he was own his own.
I need to get away from all my responsibilities as a family member. It is horrible to say. I adore my children beyond reason. I have nothing left in my life of any merit but my family. If something happens to one of them, I doubt seriously I'll survive that. I'm done. Being invited to my aunts in two weeks normally would be fun but I really just don't want to cope with all the personal turmoil involved in family groups and trying to be a normal human being and react normally. I want peace. I just want to sit somewhere and not be required to do more than look at the landscape and not think. I don't want to talk on the phone or listen to anyone tell about their happiness or how wonderful life is for them. Life isn't wonderful. I don't want to listen to anyone's troubles because I can't afford to feel sympathy or empathy. All of those things act like salt in an open wound. I know that sounds nuts and even awful. But this is the first time I've ever been this close to a nervous breakdown and for me to admit that should tell you how very bad it is.
Now that I've spilled my guts and got that out, I have to go. I've spend nearly an hour here writing this. Well, between cooking, eating, and editing. I'm making lots of mistakes but the little feature that allow you to click and correct is very wonderful.
I'm going now. I hope everyone has a really good weekend. I'm lying low. It is too hot to go anywhere and I don't know where I'd go anyway.
Friday, July 23, 2010
TGIF in Caps!
There has been relatively nothing to blog home about this week. I've stayed in my desk chair and slogged through a mountain of paperwork. I can finally see the bottom. There is another stack waiting nearby. But progress, however small, is still progress. I'm just not behind.
Pain? Well, it varies and moves from place to place.So, I don't know if it's better. It isn't any worse than usual which means I can function some.
I have been going to bed late and not doing anything but watching t.v.That feels a waste. but I can't focus on anything else it seems.
My grass is high with all this rain and the mower is broken. The self-propelled is not working and we used it last time without it. That won't happen again. It is miserable to push. But I also have no way to haul the thing. I can't get anyone here to help me get it in the trunk. Mike is not home again and Dave is too busy. So, I'm stuck again with a broken mower. This thing is only a year old. Good thing I paid for a warranty. But how to get it to the store?
I have go to work soon so I'm getting off now. I don't know if I'll be back today. Lately, it just hasn't been a priority.
Oh, Doug is looking for the following information. If you can help, will you email me?
If you please, name me characters from books, movies, whatever that...
Hope your Friday goes well.
Pain? Well, it varies and moves from place to place.So, I don't know if it's better. It isn't any worse than usual which means I can function some.
I have been going to bed late and not doing anything but watching t.v.That feels a waste. but I can't focus on anything else it seems.
My grass is high with all this rain and the mower is broken. The self-propelled is not working and we used it last time without it. That won't happen again. It is miserable to push. But I also have no way to haul the thing. I can't get anyone here to help me get it in the trunk. Mike is not home again and Dave is too busy. So, I'm stuck again with a broken mower. This thing is only a year old. Good thing I paid for a warranty. But how to get it to the store?
I have go to work soon so I'm getting off now. I don't know if I'll be back today. Lately, it just hasn't been a priority.
Oh, Doug is looking for the following information. If you can help, will you email me?
If you please, name me characters from books, movies, whatever that...
- Has something horrible hanging over them. ex. Live with disease or disability, lives as a slave, something they have no way to get rid of, they just have to live with it.
- Has an interesting way to deal with their problem. ex. dark humor, laughs at themselves, etc...
Hope your Friday goes well.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Clouds
They're gray, have been for days now. Sunshine off and on and terrible heat until today. I'm back on St. John's Wort. Yep. All this turmoil with Mike and lack of sleep have sent me spiraling. I can't take off work or I would be out of here. I was ready to quit my job on Monday and see if I could find a shack somewhere in the woods. If I don't get the stress under control it may be a 3x6x6 hole. I really don't think I can take much more of it. I don't actually know how to stop it.
I went home from work and went to bed but couldn't sleep for hours. I dozed here and there and didn't shut off the t.v. until midnight. It was still around 1 a.m. before I slept. I am so tired of everything. Everyone keeps saying I have to stop worrying, stop letting this stuff get to me. I guess if I didn't care about them and wasn't so very disappointed in how my children have turned out it might be easy to do that. They have made horrible choices in every area of their lives. And they are struggling in ways they should never have had to struggle, ways Jerry and I did not want and that we worked so hard to insure they wouldn't have to struggle. It is sickening to watch. David is trying so hard to get on his feet but keeps having these terrible set backs.
Oh, I'm just not going there. It doesn't matter anymore. I can remember when Jerry and I got married how he worked so hard and took care of me. I think maybe two or three times did anyone ever really have to help us and that was usually if a job change happened. But he did it all without asking help as far as I knew. If he did, I have no idea who he asked. He folks would have made sure I knew about it if he had asked them and I had no one on my side he could ask and I don't think he would have. We never had housing assistance, food assistance, or medical care until he was in the service... five years after we married. After that, life was a bit easier. Took several more years to get financially stable but we did it. And when I got the children in school, I went to school and then to work. Thank goodness I did. I'd be in such trouble now.
I really just want to run away. I've been looking at places to go for a weekend but everything is designed for couples and I just can't handle that. "Romantic" getaways! It is very painful to look at some of these and even consider it. Virtually nothing says "Personal space port in a storm" "escape from reality adventure" "Your "Hole in the Wall" hideaway." It is all "sensual" "exotic" "etc.
And there is the loneliness factor. Can you imagine sitting in a beautiful room at some lovely place with no one to share it with? No one to point things out to. No one to laugh at the funny things with. No one to take a walk with or visit a museum with or have dinner with. Imagine sitting in a really nice restaurant in a place you've never been... alone. I can't do it. I don't think I'll ever be able to do it. There is very little that is even enticing. I have no joy in even the smallest things.
If I live long enough and Sarah gets a bit older I could see taking her places and showing her things she might never get to see otherwise but that is such a long way off. I do not know if that will ever be possible. I can't plan it, can't think of a future at all.
I went home from work and went to bed but couldn't sleep for hours. I dozed here and there and didn't shut off the t.v. until midnight. It was still around 1 a.m. before I slept. I am so tired of everything. Everyone keeps saying I have to stop worrying, stop letting this stuff get to me. I guess if I didn't care about them and wasn't so very disappointed in how my children have turned out it might be easy to do that. They have made horrible choices in every area of their lives. And they are struggling in ways they should never have had to struggle, ways Jerry and I did not want and that we worked so hard to insure they wouldn't have to struggle. It is sickening to watch. David is trying so hard to get on his feet but keeps having these terrible set backs.
Oh, I'm just not going there. It doesn't matter anymore. I can remember when Jerry and I got married how he worked so hard and took care of me. I think maybe two or three times did anyone ever really have to help us and that was usually if a job change happened. But he did it all without asking help as far as I knew. If he did, I have no idea who he asked. He folks would have made sure I knew about it if he had asked them and I had no one on my side he could ask and I don't think he would have. We never had housing assistance, food assistance, or medical care until he was in the service... five years after we married. After that, life was a bit easier. Took several more years to get financially stable but we did it. And when I got the children in school, I went to school and then to work. Thank goodness I did. I'd be in such trouble now.
I really just want to run away. I've been looking at places to go for a weekend but everything is designed for couples and I just can't handle that. "Romantic" getaways! It is very painful to look at some of these and even consider it. Virtually nothing says "Personal space port in a storm" "escape from reality adventure" "Your "Hole in the Wall" hideaway." It is all "sensual" "exotic" "etc.
And there is the loneliness factor. Can you imagine sitting in a beautiful room at some lovely place with no one to share it with? No one to point things out to. No one to laugh at the funny things with. No one to take a walk with or visit a museum with or have dinner with. Imagine sitting in a really nice restaurant in a place you've never been... alone. I can't do it. I don't think I'll ever be able to do it. There is very little that is even enticing. I have no joy in even the smallest things.
If I live long enough and Sarah gets a bit older I could see taking her places and showing her things she might never get to see otherwise but that is such a long way off. I do not know if that will ever be possible. I can't plan it, can't think of a future at all.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Saturday's Hot, Hot, Hot
My Google desktop says it is 90 degrees outside. I've been out twice to test it and I think it's true. The humidity is horrible. I want so bad to sit on the patio and relax. I'm thinking of bringing my fountain inside in the winter. It might be nice to have it sitting in my den...chuckling away while the snow falls. If I get my den cleaned up and some furniture in there it might be pleasant. Here we go again with plans that never will be.
I've had Mike here since last night. He had a melt down where this woman is concerned and had to stay the night. Don't ask me. I don't know and frankly, I'm just too tired and too worn out to deal with all this anymore. I'm tired of taking care of every problem everyone has and never getting one second to rest or relax and enjoy what little life I have left.
There is always a disaster. Mike thinks he's the only person to ever be alone in the world and it is a disaster if he isn't with someone. And of course, all the bad events in his life are MY fault. His disabilities, his 1st marriage, his divorce, his inability to cope, work, and function, and global warming. He was trying to find someone to call so he could talk to them. Cheerful person that I am, I told him when you need people the most, they are usually somewhere else. And people get very scarce when you are depressed. They're so afraid they will be dragged down.
I suppose in a way it is true. I imagine it is why I blog. You either read it or you don't and I don't have to beg someone to sit with me, hold my hand, or come stay with me. You either read it and respond or you don't. And those who do probably do really care and want to help, even if they know they can't be more than moral support.
It is just not really a good week or month or year or even decade. They say troubles come in seven year cycles. I guess I'll have to try and read my blogs back and see if there was a starting point. If I'm lucky, I'm near the end of the seven and something good is ahead.
I don't believe it but it sounds good.
I'm at the point I'd like to erase the board and start over. Reformat the hard drive and reinstall the operating system. Of course it is impossible. Starting over isn't possible. Changing the course of history isn't possible. Unmaking decisions, undoing what's done. Not going to happen. And there is no light at the end of the long dark tunnel of night.
I'm going. This is pointless mully-grubbing.
I've had Mike here since last night. He had a melt down where this woman is concerned and had to stay the night. Don't ask me. I don't know and frankly, I'm just too tired and too worn out to deal with all this anymore. I'm tired of taking care of every problem everyone has and never getting one second to rest or relax and enjoy what little life I have left.
There is always a disaster. Mike thinks he's the only person to ever be alone in the world and it is a disaster if he isn't with someone. And of course, all the bad events in his life are MY fault. His disabilities, his 1st marriage, his divorce, his inability to cope, work, and function, and global warming. He was trying to find someone to call so he could talk to them. Cheerful person that I am, I told him when you need people the most, they are usually somewhere else. And people get very scarce when you are depressed. They're so afraid they will be dragged down.
I suppose in a way it is true. I imagine it is why I blog. You either read it or you don't and I don't have to beg someone to sit with me, hold my hand, or come stay with me. You either read it and respond or you don't. And those who do probably do really care and want to help, even if they know they can't be more than moral support.
It is just not really a good week or month or year or even decade. They say troubles come in seven year cycles. I guess I'll have to try and read my blogs back and see if there was a starting point. If I'm lucky, I'm near the end of the seven and something good is ahead.
I don't believe it but it sounds good.
I'm at the point I'd like to erase the board and start over. Reformat the hard drive and reinstall the operating system. Of course it is impossible. Starting over isn't possible. Changing the course of history isn't possible. Unmaking decisions, undoing what's done. Not going to happen. And there is no light at the end of the long dark tunnel of night.
I'm going. This is pointless mully-grubbing.
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