Where to Start, Where to End

 

I don't know where to begin with this post. It has been a horrible year all the way around. My aunt died May 22nd, funeral several days later, then home. Then I hit a curb at CVS just over a week ago. I blew out the tire, road side couldn't fix it ($200), had to tow it ($161), both charged me. Then the shop called, and I didn't need just one tire. The other tire also needed replacing ($300). 

Then, a week later, the toilets and tub backed up. Repair man came out. To rod it out was $400. Or I could repair the line because it has an air conditioner sitting on top of it that may have damaged the line, causing repeated blockages ($5000). But, if I could dig the hole to lay the line from the house, around the air conditioner, to a place they'd tie in the new line, it would be cheaper. 

So, we dug the hole with a shovel. On the 9th David worked 45 minutes, but I knew it wasn't deep enough and particularly since we had not found the line where they would connect to the main line. Mike and I dug about 45 minutes to dig the trench from the house to the hole where it ended. We dug three feet down and found the main line. They repaired it on the 10th. Yesterday, I had swollen and sore hands. Today just they're just sore. 

How much did digging that hole save me? The repair job was $1900. You can do the math.

So now toilets are working. The car is working. I need to call my aunt. I have needed to call her every day since I got home. I really need to talk to her. She won't answer, of course. 

Today I spent the day reading the Book of James. Nothing else. Just that. It's five chapters, but I took my time highlighting verses that were familiar and considering the meanings and implications. I was surprised to find that we quote so many verses from this small book in the Bible. I doubt we quote Paul as much as we do James. It was astonishing. And I also found that most of those verses, well, you won't like this, but I believe it's true. Most of us simply ignore them. We know them, but we don't follow them. 

Tell me which ones you follow. I'll wait. Because that won't be a long list. Blow up the image and you can see most of them. Actually, don't tell me. Just be honest with yourself. 

I took Mike to lunch in the afternoon and Firehouse rules.

Now, I'm finishing this day with this post. I haven't been writing much for the last year. Most of that time I've been in financial freefall and physical distress. I've spent a lot of time praying and asking why. But I suppose it's just life doing what it does. Casualties sometimes result. But Mama told me that if everything is going wrong, you must be doing something right.

All I could think of when my aunt died was that there was no one left to call for help or prayer or just to talk things out with. She was the last. She knew me longer than my own parents. Sixty-eight years she was part of my life and knew more about me than any living person. There was nothing we couldn't talk about. And just like that, being alone means something different.  

My cousin wants me to move to Georgia. I have nothing here that matters anymore. But I'm too old to start over, and I've already paid for my burial plot next to Jerry. So, unless I win the lottery, I'm here for good. Since I don't play the lottery... well, that's that.

Lost in the Dark

 I never thought I'd have to live through another week, like the last week of May 2025. I thought the horrors of death were far behind me and that life, though painful, would not throw that pain into my path. 

My aunt Phillis died May 22nd, 2024. I started life in her mother's home and she was my big sister. She took me places when I was old enough and she permed my hair, many times, to no avail. I knew her friends. Liz made great chocolate shakes, Patsy was funny. There were many others because she had a large circle of friends. 

I was nearly 9 when she married and from then on, it was visits to her house to stay for a night, and then for summers. As a teen, she dressed me. We were the same size until I was in my 20s so she gave me her clothes. They were beautiful clothes and hand me downs were not an insult in my family. I loved it.

I loved her and she became my second mother when her mother died. Our Mama. For 68 years she was always available to me. Always ready to help with whatever I needed a prayer, a new fridge, a trip to recover from the death of my husband. She allowed me to complain to about my sons, to share my worry about Sarah. And I shared her worries and fears. I consoled her when she needed someone to share her grief. 

Now, she's gone, and I do not know what I will do. I came home on the 28th of May. For days I've sat in my house and tried to think. I do not know what I'm supposed to do. Every day I expect her call or to call her and tell her about what's going on with the boys, with Sarah, with me. I desperately need her to pray for me. To help me through this horrible nightmare. To wake me up. There is no one now look out for me. No one I can call to tell how I feel about this. I more alone that I've ever been in my life. And I'm hollowed out inside like a dead tree. 

I said before that death is not a friend but he is a dark and beastly entity who comes into our home and rips every beautiful thing out by the roots and drags it away. He doesn't knock or politely ask to come in. He kicks in the door and puts out the lights. When he leaves, all we have is a howling wind roaring through our life. 

 Possessions are not the most important thing you will have in your life. They matter very little when you're stumbling around in the dark and can't find the path. When the people in your life begin to disappear you lose direction because the compass points are gone and the light has gone out. 

Treasure the lights you have while they burn brightly. When they go out, you'll be lost. 

Disobedience

 So, I just got done cleaning the garage! I could barely walk for over a week. I've had severe pain in every major joint and my hands. This pain wasn't caused by my fibro, because my OTC medication for it works well. 

No, the doctors removing my anti-inflammatory medication, Lodine caused this. They decided I could go to pain management. You know, narcotic painkillers. Not happening. I've been dealing with the results of that since February and it had become almost impossible to take the trash to the street. And God forbid I should have to get on the floor. It has been so depressing and stressful to not be able to do anything constructive. I've sat in the chair watching videos and reading when I could focus. 

Monday evening, I had to get on the floor to get something behind the computer. Y'all, I thought I was going to have to call someone for help. I could not get up. My knees were in so much pain and I couldn't lift myself. And I'm not the svelte 130 I was when I came to Evansville. I stayed on my knees and wondered who I could call. I remembered David is in town now and was off that day. So I considered calling him to come help me. 

Do you know how humiliating it is to have to call someone to help you off the floor? Can you even imagine how frustrating it is not to be able to just stand up? I decided that I could do it. 

I grabbed the desk chair and positioned my body in the seat, and got my feet under me. And that sounds much easier than it actually was at that time. Let me just say my knees were extremely unhappy with that decision. I managed to get up and had to immediately sit down in said chair. And yesterday, they paid me back in spades. Hips and knees united in a front to fell me with a swoop. I was in so much pain. I woke this morning in only moderately less pain.

So, how could I clean the garage today? 

I broke the unspoken rule that says do what the doctor says. I took an OTC naproxen. It is half the dose of my prescription. Within one hour, ALL my pain had abated to a one. Knees work fine. Feet don't hurt. Hands are not swollen and stiff. Shoulder doesn't hurt. Neck doesn't hurt. 

Yeah, I'm pretty annoyed, but there is nothing I can do about the doctor's orders. I just don't have to follow them. Their reasoning was "too much risk". I've been on it for 20 yrs. And two other meds I take have life-threatening risks. They have to monitor my eyes because of one of them. It can cause permanent blindness. 

I'm just thankful I feel better this afternoon. My morning looked bleak until I took that pill. 

Spring Has Sprung

 

Special day: Spring Equinox & Alien Abductions Day 😯

Mood Today:😒

Weather Today:🌧️

These days the only thing I seem able to write about is the weather and my aches and pains. That's so boring that it hurt. Another pain. 

This morning I'm dealing with a lack of sleep on top of the above mentioned A&P. I went to bed early because I was so tired. As usual, I had trouble shutting off my brain. I thought I had it under control but got the huge "download" of stuff that wouldn't stop rolling around in there. I got up, wrote it up and when I went back to bed at 2 a.m. I went to sleep. I was up at 8:30 a.m. After the day I had yesterday I was tired and today, after the night I've had, I'm even more tired. 

Yesterday, I took Becca to get measured for a new wheelchair. It was so nice to see them recognize how much she was handicapped by the stroke. Why? Because other agencies have dragged their heels assisting with anything. She can't walk, she can't use her right hand and arm. Why would the food stamp office want her to do 30 hrs of job search when she can't even go to the bathroom without help? 

I'm not going there but the folks she met with yesterday immediately recognized the limitations and began to plan on what exactly she needed in this wheelchair. They were considerate, compassionate, and intelligent. The put in an order for an electric chair and started organizing physical therapy to address her mobility issues. 

She had this stroke nine months ago. The first three months in Ohio she received no after stroke care.  NONE. She was sent home with an 8 yr old to take care of her. The doctors here believe the stroke resulted from an overdose of medication she was prescribed but they're not sure. She now has an internal medicine doctor, a neurologist, and a team of therapist. It's taken six months to get here but now there is some hope she can make a better recovery. She'll began therapy next week. She's had some therapy but it wasn't helpful and they gave her a ankle brace that is not helpful. We hope this new group will be more helpful. The neurologist immediately ordered a new type of ankle/leg brace to stop the twisting of her foot and order a battery of test to see if she has any underlying disease that could have caused the stroke. If they don't find anything, she can then sue the people responsible for the overdose of medication. 

And she should. The neglect was a disgrace and Madi, her daughter has been terribly traumatized. Becca woke up in a stroke and managed to wake Madi and Madi had to call the 911. For the next 3 months, the child had to care for her mother or stay with people while her mother was in hospital. She still fears something happening to her mother.

So, today, I've just sat here listening to my Bible studies and trying to rest without sleeping. I need to go back to bed but I hate sleeping in the day time! And I have so much to do. I need to vacuum and put away laundry. I also need to figure out what to eat. I haven't even had breakfast yet and it is nearly lunch time. 

The weather is beastly today. Cold again, cloudy, rain comes and goes. I'm dressed in a pair of knit pants and a long sleeved shirt in front of the heater. The cats are keeping me company. 

Everything is a wreck, but the weather was nice.........

We had a week of beautiful weather last week and now we're back to rain and cold. The weekend was pretty bad in the mid-west and several states had tornados and fatalities. Thankfully, my crew and I were safe. In fact, the low pressure systems that caused the weather passed north of us, so the pain I was expecting did not happen. I'm so thrilled about that. 

I could go to church this morning and stay for the whole service. Admittedly, the service was shorter than usual, but it was good. 

Tomorrow is my biannual appointment with the eye specialist. I'm required to see them twice a year because the immuno-suppressant shot I take can cause blindness. So they do retina scans to make sure there are no problems. Should they find the medication has built up in the eye, I will have to stop taking it. That wouldn't be good either. 

Tonight, I'm feeling depressed. Got some issues I'm trying to work through. Found some repairs on the house that I can't ignore this time. The car has a warning light that came on yesterday that we don't know what it means. Mike took it and ran a scan for a code, but the machine showed nothing. The car manual says the code means a powertrain issue. If you know what that is, you know it's not good news. I can't seem to cut a break. I have almost got my finances back in some order for all this to drop on me. 

So, that's the way it is, Sunday, March 16th, 2025. Thank you, Mr. Cronkite.