Where to Start, Where to End

 

I don't know where to begin with this post. It has been a horrible year all the way around. My aunt died May 22nd, funeral several days later, then home. Then I hit a curb at CVS just over a week ago. I blew out the tire, road side couldn't fix it ($200), had to tow it ($161), both charged me. Then the shop called, and I didn't need just one tire. The other tire also needed replacing ($300). 

Then, a week later, the toilets and tub backed up. Repair man came out. To rod it out was $400. Or I could repair the line because it has an air conditioner sitting on top of it that may have damaged the line, causing repeated blockages ($5000). But, if I could dig the hole to lay the line from the house, around the air conditioner, to a place they'd tie in the new line, it would be cheaper. 

So, we dug the hole with a shovel. On the 9th David worked 45 minutes, but I knew it wasn't deep enough and particularly since we had not found the line where they would connect to the main line. Mike and I dug about 45 minutes to dig the trench from the house to the hole where it ended. We dug three feet down and found the main line. They repaired it on the 10th. Yesterday, I had swollen and sore hands. Today just they're just sore. 

How much did digging that hole save me? The repair job was $1900. You can do the math.

So now toilets are working. The car is working. I need to call my aunt. I have needed to call her every day since I got home. I really need to talk to her. She won't answer, of course. 

Today I spent the day reading the Book of James. Nothing else. Just that. It's five chapters, but I took my time highlighting verses that were familiar and considering the meanings and implications. I was surprised to find that we quote so many verses from this small book in the Bible. I doubt we quote Paul as much as we do James. It was astonishing. And I also found that most of those verses, well, you won't like this, but I believe it's true. Most of us simply ignore them. We know them, but we don't follow them. 

Tell me which ones you follow. I'll wait. Because that won't be a long list. Blow up the image and you can see most of them. Actually, don't tell me. Just be honest with yourself. 

I took Mike to lunch in the afternoon and Firehouse rules.

Now, I'm finishing this day with this post. I haven't been writing much for the last year. Most of that time I've been in financial freefall and physical distress. I've spent a lot of time praying and asking why. But I suppose it's just life doing what it does. Casualties sometimes result. But Mama told me that if everything is going wrong, you must be doing something right.

All I could think of when my aunt died was that there was no one left to call for help or prayer or just to talk things out with. She was the last. She knew me longer than my own parents. Sixty-eight years she was part of my life and knew more about me than any living person. There was nothing we couldn't talk about. And just like that, being alone means something different.  

My cousin wants me to move to Georgia. I have nothing here that matters anymore. But I'm too old to start over, and I've already paid for my burial plot next to Jerry. So, unless I win the lottery, I'm here for good. Since I don't play the lottery... well, that's that.

Leave a Message

Every day I receive a Bible verse in my email. Sometimes it doesn't seem to fit anywhere. I read it and think about it for a few moments and then I usually delete it. Sometimes, I leave it in my email all day and will periodically go and read it again. It fits my mood, gives rise to a question, answers a question, or comforts me in some way. I save those until it serves its purpose.

This morning I had this verse in my email.

"Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever." Psalm 73:25-26 KJV

I don't know why but this came at a time when I was feeling very alone. I've felt the isolation more this week because I was dealing with physical problems that deprived me of large amounts of sleep. I tend to go into a depression after such episodes.

When you are awake and sick at 4 a.m. and there is no one to call, it is a terrible feeling. It is at moments like this that you realize just how vital human companionship is to each of us. Even the worst companionship is better than none to some. In fact, the worst decisions of your life will be made when you have no one to call.

Of course, I could have called across the hall to my son but he has to be at work by 6:30 and so he wouldn't have been able to help. I'd have only caused a shortage in his sleep. There was no one else. So, at times like this, you just sort of call God. Unfortunately, it is at the worst possible times that he seems to be away from the phone.

I know He's not really gone anywhere but the distance is just so far and the comfort of another voice, a hand to hold, or just someone sitting in the room with you is no little thing. We feel it so much more in times of distress. Humans crave other human contact in times of crisis more than any other time. Suicides rarely kill themselves when they are with someone.

I've had more days of stress in the last four years than I've had in my entire life. Nearly every week for 208 weeks something has hit me with enough force to knock me off my feet. I don't know how many more there are to get through. I only know that doing it alone is much harder than sharing the load. And some days the load crushes me.

So I make the call. I leave a message. This morning I had an email.