Whirlwind

Out here on the ledge, life does strange things, not always good but not always bad. What's happened since August? Things have been busy and I have had no time to post to this journal. What writing I've done has been in other areas.

I started going to church closer to home. It has been a good decision. I've been able to go more often, almost every service. The later service times gives my body time to adjust and the joints time to warm up. And although the service is longer, there is only the one and the evening isn't exhausting.

The doctor put me on Cymbalta for pain. It was immediate relief. For the last month, I've had very little pain. I am not as fatigued as I was and don't have the associated brain fog.

I've been very busy the last two weeks since my granddaughter's mother moved back to town. We're still friends, even though my son is no longer married to her and having company is actually nice. She's waiting for housing to come through and until then, I actually have someone to visit with.

Mike got second job and seems to be doing well. I'm really proud of him.

I've been reading more since I'm not a zombie. But I am off track with the writing. I'm hoping this week things will settle down and I'll be able to get back to it.

Now that I've updated, I'm going to bed.

Treasures

I found this in the papers I cleaned out a couple of months ago. There is no date but I suspect he was about Sarah's age (10).

Things like this were always important to me and so I hung on to them. No one else cares now but I'll put them all in a file with dozens of letters from family members, some who are already gone. Jerry kept some cards the boys gave him and I still have them. They were important to him, too. Whoever is left at the end of the day can put them all in the garbage.

I'm on the downhill side of my life and I've lost so many of the people who gave my life meaning. Going through the debris left in the wake of living often brings surprises. Running across such things brightens a moment of time.  A bright face seems to just appear, in a twinkling, blinking out before you can grab hold and pull it close.

 Life changes so quickly. You don't see it coming. You anticipate the joys but you can't anticipate the pain.

Just so you know, you won't always get love letters or phone calls. You won't always have someone to tell you they love you. In fact, some of the people who used to tell you will stop long before either of you leave the world. I love you very much.... How long? Only children can make that promise because for them life is long. For those of us who live long, we know nothing is forever. People change, love ends, life ends, and you can't change it or stop it.

So, finding treasures such as this will warm your heart or it may cut it out of you. They're still treasures. Keep them. And if you had one person loved you for even a short span of your life, you're a rich person.

More of the Same

Things have been rather slow since I got back from Arkansas. My RA has been at near peak performance for months and I've grown a bit weary of it. A good day here and there is never enough relief. The barrage of storms that continue to roll across S. Indiana are a constant source of pain and the pain keeps me exhausted.

They are once again going to adjust my Cpap machine to try and reduce my apnea events. Obviously, I'm having too many. Is this why I'm tired? Who knows. I'm in constant pain, usually moderately severe. I sleep in pain and I wake in pain. You don't rest like that. So, I don't know if the adjustment will help.

And no, the Humira has not helped. They said six months to see a change. I'm 3 months in. Very little improvement, if any, is noted. In fact, I see signs of things worsening. I'm gaining weight because I can barely walk most days and have less strength in my legs and arms. Jars present Olympic challenges. Any work performed robs me of days of energy.

Reading is difficult because concentration is bad. Writing is difficult for the same reason and my hands hurt. Sitting hurts my back after long periods but walking hurts my hips. I actually feel better mentally when I can get some exercise if joint pain doesn't make it impossible to bear.

This has been a year of hell. I'm not usually a quitter but I've stopped fighting. It isn't going to get better. I don't want to think about what it is going to become.

Dreaming

I used to have the most vivid dreams. They say we dream in black and white but I dreamed in color and I'd have the most interesting dreams. I stopped dreaming years ago for a very long time. I don't know why but probably due to my sleep disorder. To dream, you actually have to sleep well.

Not dreaming can't be good. They say it helps you work out problems and frustrations in your waking life. I think that is true and I miss my vivid dreams. Perhaps I still dream and they're just not memorable. After they started treating me for the sleep apnea I did start to have a few dreams but not very memorable ones or very vivid.

Until last night. I dreamed and the dream stuck with me after I woke up. It was quite vivid and for some reason disturbed me. It might be because there was so much confusion in the dream. Even now, as I write this post, I'm confused by it. Some of it fades but fortunately, I wrote it down. You can see it is filled with confusion.

In my dream I was going to a funeral, I think. I thought I was with someone (Daddy) and when I parked the car I told them I could find it when I came out. Then I was alone inside a huge church packed with black people and I thought a black person was dead. They all had on white hats and I remember they were singing but not the song.

At first, I was seated toward the back and high up but then I was near the front left on the end of the pew and two white women were seated on my right. The nearest was blond or gray haired. Beyond them were two people I knew, Loraine and Joseph. They used to live in town and moved to Nashville. I didn't know why they were in the church. Or my dream.

I suddenly had a tablet and had turned it on. I don't know why I had it but I was listening to something and the woman next to me told me to turn it off. She was very rude and then the woman next to her was snarling to turn it off. I was frustrated at getting caught with it on, even though I didn't understand why it was on in church. I told them I was trying to shut it down but didn't know how. I finally got it off but the woman said something ugly to me but I don't know what. She pointed out that Loraine and Joseph left and said it was my fault. I could see them walking up the sloping aisle of the church.

I started to leave but went back to tell the woman that she didn't know anything about me, who I was or what I'd been thru and then I felt bad for being nasty to her. I said that I didn't know her either and was sorry for being disruptive and left.

Outside it was pitch black but I saw Loraine and Joseph driving away. I was surrounded by woods. Cars were parked willy nilly around the woods and I couldn't find mine. I was getting panicky, using the emergency button on my key, hoping to set off the car alarm so I could find my car. I felt there were people going to their cars but didn't see anyone. I remembered telling someone I could find my car again.

Then it was daytime and the building was surrounded by parking areas. There was a creek and beyond it a parking area. In the light, I could see that there were parking areas all around. I kept walking trying to find my car, pointing the key and pushing the button. 

Then, I was on the street and it was lined with cars. I walked a moment or two and turned into another parking area. I stopped and dug out my phone and told someone to call home (who?) but saw it had all these games on it. 

I started deleting them until I realized I needed to call home and ask where the car was. Then I realized I didn't have my phone. It looked very weird with a small screen and was a pink color. I didn't know whose phone it was but I knew mine was in my purse. I handed the phone to someone (?) and began to dig in my purse.

I woke up.

Surprise!

Yep, I'm back. Been a while, hasn't it? Over a month, in fact. I wish I could say I'd been doing something constructive but I haven't. I did go on vacation to Branson, MO two weeks ago with my aunt, uncle, and sister. We had a great time. I only had a couple of days where pain was a problem. Fortunately, the resort had a hot tub I could use for a bit and it helped. I also remembered to bring medicine to help with the pain. So, my trip was not bad at all.

Once I got home, of course, things took a turn. I worked a couple of days and my pain escalated. Had four days of lower back pain and sciatica. I think the sitting for hours aggravated it.  And because it hurt so bad, I had to sit even more. There were a lot of storm fronts moving around but despite that, only the back gave me real trouble.

This week has been better but I go back to work on Wednesday and I'm going to be there for half a day. I'm concerned that I'll have another flare up with my back. We'll see. Sitting is hard on your back.

Tomorrow I will start painting my bedroom. Mike came and helped me move the furniture out on Saturday and I've spent the last two days deciding on the color. I'm not totally happy with my choice but I'm going to live with it. I will start painting in the morning. I've got the windows taped and may do that first as they are the most tedious. I have to sand the wall where I've patched 20 years of holes. I must have moved pictures around a lot. I couldn't believe the number of holes. I still have a few to patch but I simply was too tired to bother with those high up. The downside is it takes hours for the spackle to dry. It may interfere with my painting.

Writing has not been happening. The back was so bad I couldn't even read. I simply sat in the recliner, not good for bad backs either, by the way, and watched Peyton Place on YouTube. I couldn't believe I found that! And it was actually pretty good. I've gotten bored with it this week but it sure took me back to my childhood. I watched it with my Mama. I wasn't even 10 yrs old when it went off the air. I felt like I was with old friends. Since I have very few friends, it was a nice feeling.

My youngest sister is in the hospital this week. She's going through some bad times right now. If you pray, please say a prayer for her. It looks like they're going to keep her for more than a week.

That's it I think. I wanted to write for a bit to see if I still could. This blog seems to be gradually fading away. I seem to be here less and less. Although I don't have a ton of readers anyway, it has been a great form of therapy for me. I'd be in a loony bin after Jerry died if I couldn't have written down what I was going through. Maybe I did. I still wonder sometimes. My life was turned upside down and poured out into some great black hole and I've never really escaped. Maybe, in reality, I'm in an asylum and all that has happened since is in my head.

Did I mention I've been a bit depressed? I think it is just because after my trip I had to come back here, to this empty house. Sarah is away for the summer with her Dad. She's having a blast. I can see in the photos she is enjoying herself. I'm happy for her.

And that's enough of that.

Tomorrow comes early. Of course, it will take me two hours to catch up.