Sunday is generally accepted to be the first day of the week. Really, look at the calender. I'm good with that. It is a good way to start the week. For me it is church and time to do absolutely nothing. That's what I've done today. I've lain around all afternoon with my hair piled high.
Sarah has been here since Friday. When she's in the house it is fairly chaotic because she must, at all times, be the center of attention. This is one of the hazards of being an only child. Still, she's a relatively sweet child. Anyway, after church she announced she was going to my sister, Phyllis' house. So, we vassals have had a little break from the Princess.
I start my week very much behind in the work. The last two weeks have simply made it impossible to stay ahead or even keep up. There are some things I have to get done and I am hoping that there will be fewer stresses this week.
However, one kind of figures that if Sunday is the top of the hill, the rest of the week is all down hill. That's not an auspicious start.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Waiting for the Warming
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| My Dream Room |
I'm waiting on a repairman to arrive to give me an estimate to have the gas log I bought connected in my den. They were supposed to contact me at 7:30 a.m. to tell me when they'd arrive. It is 7:51 a.m. and I've not heard a word. I thought they'd be done before eight and I could go to work without missing much. Probably not going to happen and I'm annoyed. I've been trying for two weeks to get someone to give me a repair estimate!
Most of you know that the last couple of weeks have been very stressful and I wish I could say I've been stoic through all of it. My pain escalated to fairly awful proportions and by the time I got that under control other stresses had multiplied and I was in a pretty bad way.
I started Monday... well, you can read the blog. I did make an attempt, really. I've managed to get through most of this week without a total meltdown or going off the deep end. You pick the analogy and it'll probably be just as good as mine. Anyway, Tuesday I plodded along finding some revelatory thoughts along the way. And I kept trying to keep my eyes on something besides the problems. Admittedly, I found few things that weren't a problem but I was able to find small blessings that usually go unnoticed and unlauded.
So, my goal is to continue looking at the seemingly mundane and small things I often overlook. Today I'm nearly done with the week and for this I am so thankful. My pain levels have fallen considerably. Maybe leaving off the medicine for a month reset my system. Maybe I was in a flare. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I don't care. I'm thankful pain is at a two today.
Sarah spent the night last night and Dave took her to school this morning. She would not go to bed so we were all a bit tired. Becca has some kind of bug and so she thought it would be better if David kept her. I always feel better when Sarah is in the house and I'm always so thankful when that happens.
I'm thankful I have a job and can pay the bills. I don't know what I'd do otherwise. I'm thankful for a bunch of online friends who stop by or email me when life is hard and give me sympathy, virtual hugs and encouragement. The sympathy lets me know they understand, but the hugs and encouragement serve to remind me that I should keep going and look up. It isn't easy.
I'm thankful see my son smiling and laughing and acting like himself. How is it that we can't see other people's unhappiness when it is staring us in the face? I'm not thankful his wife divorced him. I am not thankful others are wounded. I know the pain of permanent loss. I'm thankful that both of them are still here. When people divorce they often say things like, "I'm sorry we ever met." I'm not sorry. Had they not met I would not have two very important people in my life, particularly at at time when my life was as dark as a tomb. I'm very thankful these two people met and gave me Sarah. And I'll be always sorry that they could not make it work.
It is now half past 8 and still no call. I think I'm going to go to work and call another company. It is so annoying but the den is an icebox in winter and I have some things I want to do in there. Once the heater is connected it will only take minutes to warm up. At the moment... I have to wait.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Best Laid Plans
I did really try to make Monday a positive day. I started out thinking it would be better and I actually felt better until later this afternoon.
I'm generally a caring person and I tend to want to help people. I'm a sap for a good sob story and I usually take people at face value. That has never done me a single moment of good. I am the one who ends up with a metaphorical black eye while the other fella walks away with a smirk on their face because I was a schmuck.
I think I've finally learned a lesson that I believe God has been trying to teach me for a long time. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone or care about them, if they don't want to be loved or cared about, nothing you can do will help them and it will never be enough in their eyes or it will never be what they want. The best you can do is throw in the towel and turn them over to whatever fate awaits them. These are the truly hopeless.
Every journey we take has a purpose and a point. Some of us recognize it right away while others take a bit longer. I do not believe in randomness or chance meetings. There is an ultimate destination and every person you encounter along the way means something to your journey. Perhaps the person will only have a slight impact on you but it matters. That person you bumped into as you left the store may have delayed you just seconds but that delay was important for some reason, for you or them. That person had some impact for some purpose you don't see. The detour you had to take prevented a delay that could have cost you or someone else something serious or took you on a route where you avoided a disaster.
My own experiences have proven this to me repeatedly. I know that in my case, there have been people placed in my path that were profoundly important that they be there. Many times I actually examine how every person I know has affected my life. It always surprises me. Some people I've run into, not because I was supposed to meet them, but because they were supposed to meet me. There is a subtle but profound difference in the two situations. I've had a couple of times in my life with I clearly knew I had been put in someone's path to be there for them, not for myself, but for them.
I believe God positions people in opportune places and times. That, just as he steers the stars, so too he steers our lives as much as we will let him. And he will go to great lengths to bring out the good in our life that he intended. But there are those, who no matter how much good comes their way, no matter how many good people reach out, no matter how many open doors they happen on, no matter how many sunny paths are laid at their feet... they will always choose something else. They will always take the path that looks easiest but which deprives them of something of value. And when failure comes, they will always place the blame on others.
I do not understand it but I am at a place where I'm trying to accept it. I do not accept defeat easily. Those who know me know I do not give up on people I think are of value, in whom I see some potential good. But I'm there. I finally am at a place where I realize some people, by their own will, are not worth the effort it takes to help them.
There is an old saying, "God helps them who help themselves." As my Mama used to say, it isn't in the Bible but it ought to be.
I'm generally a caring person and I tend to want to help people. I'm a sap for a good sob story and I usually take people at face value. That has never done me a single moment of good. I am the one who ends up with a metaphorical black eye while the other fella walks away with a smirk on their face because I was a schmuck.
I think I've finally learned a lesson that I believe God has been trying to teach me for a long time. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone or care about them, if they don't want to be loved or cared about, nothing you can do will help them and it will never be enough in their eyes or it will never be what they want. The best you can do is throw in the towel and turn them over to whatever fate awaits them. These are the truly hopeless.
Every journey we take has a purpose and a point. Some of us recognize it right away while others take a bit longer. I do not believe in randomness or chance meetings. There is an ultimate destination and every person you encounter along the way means something to your journey. Perhaps the person will only have a slight impact on you but it matters. That person you bumped into as you left the store may have delayed you just seconds but that delay was important for some reason, for you or them. That person had some impact for some purpose you don't see. The detour you had to take prevented a delay that could have cost you or someone else something serious or took you on a route where you avoided a disaster.
My own experiences have proven this to me repeatedly. I know that in my case, there have been people placed in my path that were profoundly important that they be there. Many times I actually examine how every person I know has affected my life. It always surprises me. Some people I've run into, not because I was supposed to meet them, but because they were supposed to meet me. There is a subtle but profound difference in the two situations. I've had a couple of times in my life with I clearly knew I had been put in someone's path to be there for them, not for myself, but for them.
I believe God positions people in opportune places and times. That, just as he steers the stars, so too he steers our lives as much as we will let him. And he will go to great lengths to bring out the good in our life that he intended. But there are those, who no matter how much good comes their way, no matter how many good people reach out, no matter how many open doors they happen on, no matter how many sunny paths are laid at their feet... they will always choose something else. They will always take the path that looks easiest but which deprives them of something of value. And when failure comes, they will always place the blame on others.
I do not understand it but I am at a place where I'm trying to accept it. I do not accept defeat easily. Those who know me know I do not give up on people I think are of value, in whom I see some potential good. But I'm there. I finally am at a place where I realize some people, by their own will, are not worth the effort it takes to help them.
There is an old saying, "God helps them who help themselves." As my Mama used to say, it isn't in the Bible but it ought to be.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Do Over
As you know, I hate Mondays. They are the worst day of the week. Today I'm taking a slightly new tack. I get the chance to start over and try again. My weekend was fairly insane, as weekends go, and I was so miserable with pain yesterday that it felt as if I didn't have any time off at all. So, today I start a new work week in a new month and we'll see how it goes.
My pain level today is tolerable. Meaning, I have some mobility issues but if I sit very still I don't notice what hurts. I hate having to evaluate my pain levels.
"What level would you say your pain is today, Miss M?"
"Oh, well, maybe a 5?"
I don't know what level it is! I don't know how high it can go but sometimes a 10 just doesn't seem like a accurate value. Sunday a 10 would have been lovely. Today, I'm giving it a 5 and hoping that the trend is declining.
It is currently 61 degrees and I heard it was supposed to get up to 71. Actually, I read it on the Weather.com site. Um... this is December. Wait.... I'll take it. Heat helps and 71 sounds pretty good. Only, the sweater I have on might not be the best choice for today.
I'm off to the mines, now. Maybe I can have a better week this week.
My pain level today is tolerable. Meaning, I have some mobility issues but if I sit very still I don't notice what hurts. I hate having to evaluate my pain levels.
"What level would you say your pain is today, Miss M?"
"Oh, well, maybe a 5?"
I don't know what level it is! I don't know how high it can go but sometimes a 10 just doesn't seem like a accurate value. Sunday a 10 would have been lovely. Today, I'm giving it a 5 and hoping that the trend is declining.
It is currently 61 degrees and I heard it was supposed to get up to 71. Actually, I read it on the Weather.com site. Um... this is December. Wait.... I'll take it. Heat helps and 71 sounds pretty good. Only, the sweater I have on might not be the best choice for today.
I'm off to the mines, now. Maybe I can have a better week this week.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Upheavels
Sunday afternoon. I usually have a quiet afternoon with no company but David moved in this weekend. The divorce was final this past week and he had to move out. I spent Saturday afternoon and evening moving furniture around, switching the study to the smaller room so he'd have a bigger room. The desk is huge and takes two people to disassemble, move, and reassemble. Then I had to reconnect all the electronics: computer, printers, modem, router, phone. I had problems with the internet on the desktop but the laptop worked fine so I don't know what caused it. It took a few hours for it to correct itself. Needless to say, today I'm in a very bad state. I think the weather may be partly responsible. It rained sometime during the night.
It was after midnight before I went to bed. This was because Sarah wanted to go "home". Sarah is with us this weekend as it is his weekend. She goes home tonight. It was difficult because she simply refused to go to bed. Normally, it isn't a problem but she no longer has her own room so it made it hard for her to know what to do. I'm going to have to do some additional shifting. I'm thinking the study will go back to the den/dining room. It was there, once, long ago before both the boys were grown. I liked it then. I'd like it again but I also want to be able to sew back there. At the moment, it looks like a Goodwill collection point. Of course he says he'll be getting his own place in a few months. I don't know. This job is a temp job and he as no idea what he'll do next.
So, this Sunday afternoon has been loud with cartoons, drums, and Sarah running all over asking questions, cooking a birthday lunch for Spot, and just being Sarah. I'm exhausted and in desperate need of a lie down.
David seems more his old self. I didn't really know why David became distant and cool to everyone. I'm still not really clear on what happened. Family members often commented on this fact but I didn't really see it. I do now. It is confusing. I'm not happy with the divorce. I'm glad he's more like my David but to me, divorce is a failure and not something to gloat about. I care very much about my daughter-in-law and I see a little girl who wants to go home to her "family" and can't. Ever. I see two people who got along well, who liked doing the same kind of things. I see a family forever changed. I see the ripples of a stone dropped in the lake.
Oh, I suppose many will say I am over reacting or I'm being overly dramatic about it. You go on. I'm a child of divorce. I never knew my father after the age of five and I have no memories save that of his leaving. I remember that day in high definition. It is always with me, just beneath the surface of other memories. I'm probably the only person left alive who remembers that day. Of course, David isn't going anywhere. Her mother isn't going anywhere. Her parents didn't marry just to insure legitimacy. They loved each other and they adore their child. Children don't know or care about these things. They only know who they love. But the effects of divorce are always there.
It was after midnight before I went to bed. This was because Sarah wanted to go "home". Sarah is with us this weekend as it is his weekend. She goes home tonight. It was difficult because she simply refused to go to bed. Normally, it isn't a problem but she no longer has her own room so it made it hard for her to know what to do. I'm going to have to do some additional shifting. I'm thinking the study will go back to the den/dining room. It was there, once, long ago before both the boys were grown. I liked it then. I'd like it again but I also want to be able to sew back there. At the moment, it looks like a Goodwill collection point. Of course he says he'll be getting his own place in a few months. I don't know. This job is a temp job and he as no idea what he'll do next.
So, this Sunday afternoon has been loud with cartoons, drums, and Sarah running all over asking questions, cooking a birthday lunch for Spot, and just being Sarah. I'm exhausted and in desperate need of a lie down.
David seems more his old self. I didn't really know why David became distant and cool to everyone. I'm still not really clear on what happened. Family members often commented on this fact but I didn't really see it. I do now. It is confusing. I'm not happy with the divorce. I'm glad he's more like my David but to me, divorce is a failure and not something to gloat about. I care very much about my daughter-in-law and I see a little girl who wants to go home to her "family" and can't. Ever. I see two people who got along well, who liked doing the same kind of things. I see a family forever changed. I see the ripples of a stone dropped in the lake.
Oh, I suppose many will say I am over reacting or I'm being overly dramatic about it. You go on. I'm a child of divorce. I never knew my father after the age of five and I have no memories save that of his leaving. I remember that day in high definition. It is always with me, just beneath the surface of other memories. I'm probably the only person left alive who remembers that day. Of course, David isn't going anywhere. Her mother isn't going anywhere. Her parents didn't marry just to insure legitimacy. They loved each other and they adore their child. Children don't know or care about these things. They only know who they love. But the effects of divorce are always there.
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