Lost in the Chaos

Mid-December and I still have no idea where I am! 

What a year! I've been unwell about 1/3 of the year, maybe a bit more. My RA has rampantly misbehaved and forced me onto steroids for a month. I had a horrible stomach virus that sent me to the ER. When have they not? 

I wrote a lot but finished nothing. I crocheted a lot and finished most of my projects, but I still have a major project to complete this week. 

David moved back home, got a job, and will move into his own apartment in January. He's doing well. Mike started working with a roadside service and is doing well, despite having some severe stomach problems that we can't identify yet. He's due for tests in January. Sarah came home in January 2024, but left in December. Her mom moved back after having a stroke that left her in a wheelchair and is paralysed on her right side. She's in therapy and I've helped by giving her rides to the doctor's office. Sarah will live with her, I think. 

I know other things happened, but those are the high points. Other chaos was probably minor.

I've been reading my Bible more. Studying it a bit more in depth. I began writing a Christian based project. We'll see. The RA flared, and I stalled out on it. I got past that, had a short section that just lit me up, wrote it down and a week later realized it stunk. Par for the course. I'll be working on that. 

I've moved things around a bit because David needed a closet, storage of his personal items, and items he bought for his apartment. This cramped us quite a bit. Once he moves out, I'll be painting the spare room and making it a sewing room - again. I plan to buy a simple roll-away bed for any company I may have and eliminate the twin I have in there. 

That will open up the den/dining room again. I feel I'm running a hostel, but you know, God answers in strange ways. I had financial problems at the end of last year, and two people moved in. It has helped immensely. I'm never going to be back on a sound footing. I can't work and retirement doesn't pay well. 

This could be the last post for 2024. The next couple of weeks will be hectic. So, I'm going to close this post with many thanks for anyone who has followed along, stopped by because you wanted to or by accident. I love writing the blogs. They are an outlet and blogs found me several friends in the early days. These days, few people comment, and the Google platform doesn't tell me who most visitors are. But thank you whoever you are and wherever you are. I'm in several places, so check the icons at the top and visit me. Let me know you came from here. 

Merry Christmas everyone. Christmas Day is one that Christians reclaimed to symbolically celebrate the day of our Savior's birth. He wasn't born on December 25th, and frankly, we have no definitive date. But we chose to celebrate Jesus coming to earth on the 25th. As for me, I celebrate Jesus every day of the year because every single day belongs to God.

Let's Forget the Past

Let's Forget the Past

When's the Prayer Meeting?

I was reading my Bible Sunday morning and ran across a verse that I don’t recall ever reading or hearing preached. The verse is interesting to me because as I read it, I was led to some other interesting verses that set me to thinking about prayer.

Many people often ask when to pray and how often or if they should pray at all. One would think that, if there was a specific scripture in the Bible that comes close to an answer, then everyone, every Christian, would be plastering it on the wall in a fancy plaque, embroidering it onto pillows, cross-stitching it on fabric, wearing it on a shirt, or writing about it in a book. And yet, I don’t know of one book out there that answers the question, “When should I pray?”

Yet, there it is in Exodus, summed up in two verses. The minimum daily requirement is twice a day.

Exodus 30:7&8
7. And Aaron shall burn thereon sweet incense every morning: when he dresseth the lamps, he shall burn incense upon it.

8. And when Aaron lighteth the lamps at even, he shall burn incense upon it, a perpetual incense before the Lord throughout your generations.

As far as I can recall, Jesus never told his disciples how often to pray. He gave them a formula in the Lord’s Prayer on how to pray but he didn’t say a thing about how many times a day we are to pray according to that formula. Could it be that Jesus, knowing this scripture was there, expected everyone to know how often they were to pray?

I decided to do a search of the word “incense” in the Bible in an attempt to better understand how it was being used. I found that incense, in scripture at least, seems to represent prayer and there are many Old Testament scriptures that mention incense, hundreds, in fact. I recount only a few here that I felt were important and support my theory.

Leviticus 16: 13 describes praying for mercy. “And he shall put the incense upon the fire before the Lord, that the cloud of the incense may cover the mercy seat that is upon the testimony, that he die not: . . .”

Exodus 30:27 mentions an altar of incense. That would be an altar of prayer. In Numbers 7, the formula for the dedication of the altar is described and one of the things mentioned is an offering. “One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense...” This is an financial offering given with prayer.

Next in Numbers 16, God was about to destroy the people because they were mad with Moses and talking about him. The day before God had destroyed Korah and his family for the same offense. The Hebrews were scared to death then, but the next day they were complaining about it. God had just about had enough of this whining bunch of wimps who couldn’t follow directions without someone drawing a picture. Here is what He tells Moses and Moses acts quickly to save the people.

Numbers 16: 45-47 45.
45. Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. And they fell upon their faces.

46. And Moses said unto Aaron, Take a censer, and put fire therein from off the altar, and put on incense, and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them: for there is wrath gone out from the Lord; the plague is begun.

47. And Aaron took as Moses commanded, and ran into the midst of the congregation; and, behold, the plague was begun among the people: and he put on incense, and made an atonement for the people.

When I read this, I felt the sense of urgency that Moses must have felt. He’d had several conversations with God. He had seen people struck down and swallowed up. He knew what that one statement from God would mean for Israel. He and Aaron acted quickly and interceded on behalf of the people with fiery prayers, not just in the temple, but by running among the people with burning incense. Total destruction of Israel was averted.

In 2 Kings 22 Josiah is king and the priest comes to him when he finds the book of the law in the house of the Lord. The book is brought to Josiah and read to him. Upon hearing it, he is so upset he tears his clothes, a sign of grief. The book revealed to Josiah that the nation had not been keeping the law. He sent his priest to talk to a woman who lives in the college. Whoa, dude! An educated woman preacher! Who said it was a male dominated society?

Here is what she said to them in 2 Kings 22:15-17
15. And she said unto them, Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, Tell the man that sent you to me,

16. Thus saith the Lord, Behold, I will bring evil upon this place, and upon the inhabitants thereof, even all the words of the book which the king of Judah hath read:

17. Because they have forsaken me, and have burned incense unto other gods, that they might provoke me to anger with all the works of their hands; therefore my wrath shall be kindled against this place, and shall not be quenched.

(Note of interest: she doesn’t even call the King by his title or name until she is repeating what the Lord has told her. She refers to him as “the man” -- an educated woman, unimpressed with titles.)

Josiah sets about to destroy every place where incense has been offered to other gods! He purges the nation of false priest, religions, and gods.

Psalms 141:2 also emphasizes that incense represents prayer in scripture.

Psalms 141:2
2. Let my prayer be set forth before thee as incense; and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice.

Prayer is important and in scripture it is compared to incense drifting up to God. The lifting of the hands is a sign of surrender. So this verse could be said to signify surrendering to God and petitioning or worshiping him. When should you do this?

Exodus 30:7&8
7. And Aaron shall burn thereon sweet incense every morning: when he dresseth the lamps, he shall burn incense upon it.

8. And when Aaron lighteth the lamps at even, he shall burn incense upon it, a perpetual incense before the Lord throughout your generations.

How you pray is important. What you pray is important. Who you pray to is important. And yes, when you pray is very important. And if you want to pray more than twice a day, it sure can't hurt you.

• Footnote: One of the few places in the Bible where one is told “when” to pray is in 1st Thessalonians 5:17 -- Paul said to “Pray without ceasing.” Seen in light of the Old Testament events surrounding the use of incense, one can understand the importance of his instructions. For a perspective on Paul’s  verse, https://renderedpraise.blogspot.com/2008/01/time-place-to-pray.htmlto read “Time, A Place to Pray”

Another Unproductive Day - At Least I Wrote

 I sit here, wishing I could get my head clear and recover some energy. No matter how much sleep I get, it seems I’m always short. I need to do some real writing but can’t focus enough to do anything productive. I’ve been doing crochet and I enjoy it but even that is difficult. I had to rip out rows last night several times and recount stitches. I finally gave up around midnight. Frustration was high because I rarely have to rip out that much. 

Until recently, I wasn't aware that in crochet they refer to ripping out stitches as FROG. I don’t know why. When I looked it said when you rip out stitches, people think it sounds like a frog saying Ribbit. I will have to pay attention next time. To me, it sounds like wasted time. 

I’m still practicing on this iPad keyboard I bought. It works well, although a bit small. I frequently hit the wrong keys, and the backspace is difficult to reach. It’s close by, just incredibly tiny. Still, I notice I’m getting better at it. I miss my documents here. I can write but anything I’m working on is on the PC. Still would like a laptop but my money won’t go that far these days. 

What I should do is exercise. My body is going to lose any ground I made when I went to the gym regularly. I can already tell some of my strength has declined. 

I have been studying my Bible more and trying to pray more. I missed church on Sunday because I overslept. I’m so tired all the time, and that’s worrisome. I can’t shake the fatigue. Whether I sleep five hours or 10, it doesn’t seem to matter. I wake up tired. 

I’ve been drinking Tart Cherry juice for a week now. I do have less inflammation than I had a month ago, but I took steroids for three weeks. Of course, I didn’t get a tremendous amount of relief from that. I was still pretty fatigued, and I had joint swelling. Right now, I have no pain to speak of, not even the hand that usually hurts. I’d been having a lot of pain in my hand prior to this last week. Even steroids didn’t seem to help with that. The hip pain that had driven me to ask for steroids went away after I finished the steroids, but it took several days. 

I hope and pray the juice works as well as the hype says it does. So many things haven’t worked. I’ve experimented so much on myself out of desperation that I am considering adding “lab rat” to my resume. 

I believe I am done with this post now. I have done nothing, so I have nothing to write. Sarah will be home on Saturday and I’m glad. I cleaned the house on Tuesday and hurt my back and my other hip. I can't vacuum and sweep. They just kill my hips and back. Once finished, I have to rest for hours until the pain lessens and I have no energy left for the day. 

So I wish you a blessed day. Keep in touch, please. It’s a comfort to know people are out there. I don’t know why you stopped by, but I thank you. There’s less loneliness when I write. And if I see someone else was here, it lifts my spirits. So thank you.

A Bottle of Whine

Happening this week: Existential Crisis!

"An existential crisis is a period when a person questions the meaning of life, their purpose, and their identity. It can also involve feelings of confusion, anxiety, and stress that can disrupt a person's normal functioning and lead to depression. " This paragraph is AI generated.

Well, it happens a lot. It's incredibly frustrating. I'm not actually aware that this is what it is until I stop to examine it. They say it's good for us to have "crises" but personally, I don't see the value of it.

Meaning of life? I have no idea. Purpose? I thought I knew. I was wrong. Identity? Well, I know who I am but I'm not sure it matters. Normal functioning? I'm past normal these days. Into my 30's I could hop a fence in one jump. Now, I have trouble walking to the fence. I'm two years shy of 70. So, what's normal?

I found this: "persons of higher intellectual ability are more prone to experience existential depression spontaneously," from Existential Depression in Gifted People.

Again, not sure what the value of that is. I'm pretty smart, so I've been told, and maybe that is a gift, but it took a lot of hard work on my part to get to that point. And if having a higher intelligence doesn't protect you from anything, there's not much benefit to it. Well, except maybe make more money, but I know crazy folks who are geniuses.

So, that's where I am.

Here's the thing: I'm tired of crises. No, I think I'm sick of them. Death, taxes, children, bills, and, I'm sorry, people. The game of life is no longer fun. I couldn't stand that board game when I was a kid, but my siblings loved it. I expect I was wiser than my years by a stretch. There were things I knew about life and people no kid should know. Life could stink. And that was likely my first existential crisis.

For almost a year now, I've been sick off and on. Joint pain, muscle pain, massive leg cramps at night, trouble walking, and extreme fatigue. These have been my only companions. Sarah came home in January and helps with housework, but when I try to make my bed, I have to stop in the middle of the process just to breathe. I get out of breath when taking the garbage to the street. And yes, I've told my doctors. No. They said nothing. Really. They moved on and never asked for another thing. I believe it's an underactive thyroid. I've got weak nails and my hair has been falling out for a while now. Yes, I've had the basic test, and it's normal. Although there are additional tests, no one proposed them.

So.... moving on.

Finances have been disastrous. Repairs and more repairs. However, if God wills, there's light at the end of this tunnel. I got help from some out-of-state Christian folks to fix the bathroom problem and took in a boarder. I still have a dozen things that need repair. But my days of doing that type of lifting and fixing are over. I simply don't have the strength now. Even Sarah has noticed.

So, here we are, at the end. Please, have a seat and here's the knife for the cheese. I think you've had enough whine.

Can't Catch A Fish

 I have so much to say! Where to start? I really don't want to give you a litany of my woes, but this is a personal journal and honestly, I need to just get it out. Struggling to cope with a hopeless situation is exhausting, and it affects my health, I'm sure. So, feel free to leave with no hard feelings. 

I haven't posted since January 5, but things have been hectic getting Sarah sorted out and managing a severe infection. However, my sinus infection has cleared up, and the cough is finally lessening. I had so much drainage I nearly drowned from it at night. 

Since October, I've been ill. I've had financial issues related to the car and house that totally wiped me out. 

By December, I worried about how I was going to keep paying some bills. It isn't like I have any hope of an increase in money. There was no raise for seniors when Biden did his pay hike. Retirement is set. Social Security and a widow's pension get a once a year cost-of-living increase. This year they gave us about $50 in COLA. That's average for Social Security. There is no other source and ain't nobody gifting me anything. And Caesar is going to get his denarii and I don't fish. (Matt 17:24-27)

In January, I started renting a room to a friend, and that has helped some. She is saving to buy a house so she won't be here forever, but it has helped keep the bills paid. And she's lovely company when she's here. 

I thought I'd be able to get the bank account revived. Then the home and auto insurance doubled. I had to worry about whether I could drive my car or if I should sell the car. It's paid off. It would get me out of a bind to sell it. So, you can imagine how concerned I was. And there is no one to call for help. 

So I prayed. But then, I have been praying for 8 months about the problems that just keep getting worse. And I shopped for insurance. I called a company I used before and could get insured for half of what the other company was going to charge me. That's $100 a month saved. Answered prayer! But it doesn't solve my problems. 

For a few weeks now, I've thought about finding a job. How do I do that? I can't work full time with my RA. In fact, for two weeks now, I've had trouble walking and holding things. I guess it is a flare, but I can't be sure. I just know getting up and down is literally a pain. 

The bright spot in my world is Sarah. If you've read this blog before, you know she lived with me for about 9 yrs as a child. She has been away with her Dad for about 7. This December she came home to live again. It is so good to see her and for weeks now I've watched her blossom in her independence and confidence. I thought she was gone for good. 

She is amazing. We began working on getting her into GED classes and looking for a job. She attended her first official class today. Tomorrow, she goes to work at Hardee's 5 minutes from home. She got the job on her own. I helped with getting her enrolled in class. Yesterday, I got her work clothes prepared and an outfit for school. Can you believe she is 17? Watching her is so encouraging and exciting.

So there you have the last 6 months in a nutshell. I may have mentioned some of this in a previous post, but I do not remember. I have always been able to figure out a solution to problems and eventually solve them. But now, I have no solution. For the first time in 20 yrs, I don't know what I'm going to do. Wait till the ax falls, the shoe drops, or the end comes. It doesn't seem to matter which. 

I apologize for this post. It isn't very interesting, but it is a peek into what life is like when you have no one to turn to in a crisis. Once, I could handle anything that came. Now, I'm tired.

Heavenly Days

 

This was probably the best Saturday I've had in ... years. Sarah and I went shopping. Not on my dime, her's. She worked since school started in Ohio and when she came home, she had received none of the money she earned. Someone else had confiscated her pay card and kept her pay. She never said a word, just sucked it up. But this week at my house, she got her last paycheck. I wish I had a photo of her when she saw how much she had on her card. You don't want to know my heart when I realized how much was stolen from her. 

We actually went to the licenses branch first to get her an ID. When she had to sign all the papers, she made a comment about it and I said, "Welcome to the grownup world." She said, "I need to work on my handwriting." She'd never signed her name so much and I think was embarrassed. So I promised to get a handwriting book. Education departments should be penalized for the disaster they've created in our education system.

As they finished, they asked her if she wanted to register to vote. Again, I wish I'd taken photos. Her face. She said, "I can do that?" They told her since she would be 18 before the election, she could. I've never seen anyone as shocked and as thrilled as Sarah coming out of that office. And having the privilege of seeing it was a joy. It totally changed her mindset from that point on. 

From there we went, and she spent her money on herself. She bought boots, new tennis shoes since the others have a broken sole and coming apart in a few places. She got a new wallet because she got her new state ID and said she'd need it. I bought her a new backpack because she prefers that to a handbag. After every purchase, she was counting up her remaining balance on her phone calculator. She spent with caution and joy, tallying up what was left without complaint. Every purchase was an exciting moment for us both. And a revelation to her. I said, "Now you know why math is important." She replied, "Yes. I have made some bad life choices." 

As we were leaving, I backed into a woman in the parking lot and that's a fiasco I'd rather not relate. I claim responsibility. However, neither car had a sign of damage, not even a smudge. She started to drive off and then decided on the next row over she has a wheel problem because I "hit her wheel". Well, I didn't, but I said I just needed her insurance info. She said we needed to call the police so she could document it. I explained that a parking lot accident was a no fault but I agreed, if that was what she wanted she should call them. I had no problem with it. 

She said, "Unless you want to take care of it under the table." I promptly said, "Oh no, I don't do under the table. Call the police if you need to." That took over an hour to get an officer, but we waited. I asked her twice about her insurance info, but she wouldn't provide it. Another half hour of talking to him and he looked at both cars and then at me with a look that said, "Really?" and I said, "I know." He had to ask her twice for insurance info, too. He finally made her give it to me. And she decided she didn't want a police report. And it was her idea to call. He told me he had to tell her she would still be responsible for her deductible. Yeah.

So, after this, Sarah and I decided it was time to call it a day. We stopped on the way home at Freddy's for supper and to wind down. It was a great day despite the non-fender bender. 

I'm exhausted. Sarah is just still excited and happy. Dad told her tonight he would take her somewhere to practice driving. 

It takes so little to make a person happy. 

The 2024 Roller Coaster Ride Now Open

Pixabay

Here we are, four days into the new year. I had a lovely Christmas holiday with my sons, Mike and David, my granddaughter Sarah, Mike's girlfriend, Amanda. And I even got some lovely gifts from everyone. We had a delicious dinner, cooked mostly by Amanda, with a bit of help from me. 

New Year's Day we watch the Alabama playoff game. They lost, but they played a good game, except for the guy snapping the ball. McLaughlin was definitely not on his game. All season, he snapped the ball just fine. Suddenly he's all thumbs.

The past four days have just been hectic with trying to get things organized for more people in the house. On the 15th Amanda is moving in for a while. She's wanting to buy, so to avoid getting into a new lease, she'll stay here until she finds what she wants. David is here for a bit, not sure how long, but it is really pleasant to spend some time with him. He's working on his last five college classes. I'm very proud of the way he's pushed to do this. He really messed up highschool but went back in his 30s and now he's nearly finished with his college bachelor's degree. 

Sarah and I are just enjoying being silly with each other. She's still the funniest kid I know. Of course, she's having a bit of a struggle to get back into my routines and rules, but she's coping rather well. We're going to get her state ID this week and then get started on her GED. She didn't want to go back to public school and as a graduate of a correspondent school; I agree it is a good idea. So we'll be tutoring and getting to GED classes.

I'm trying to get my routine back on track. When disruptions happen, it just throws me off for a while. Beginning in early to mid October, I was sick for a couple of months, had my car break down twice, had electrical repairs, an empty freezer, and other unforeseen expenses from October to December. Life keeps kicking me. 

BUT ---

I am blessed. I said, I AM BLESSED! I don't care what my brain says. I don't care what the devil says. I am blessed beyond measure. I'm broke, seriously broke, but I'm blessed. 

May you all have a wonderful New Year. I know the 1st is passed, but may the rest of 2024 be filled with gladness, joy, and spiritual blessing beyond your wildest imaginings. God is good. God reigns supreme. And he is faithful.