Limping Along

 You get to a place you think life is going to be normal. "Normal". Right. I don't have a clue what that looks like. You understand what I'm saying, though. The field is level. There are no surprises left. No place where scary things can hide. No tears left to cry and nothing deep to feel. You just are cruising along.

Tonight I was going to watch an old mystery movie from 1953. YouTube is full of old movies from the 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s that you can watch for free. Some even older. I actually started this movie, The Limping Man. It was interesting and stared Lloyd Bridges, one of my childhood favorites. Frank Pryor flew to England to see an old flame from the war. There was a suspicious death right at the beginning and you don't know if the victim was the target or Frank.

But I got about 10 minutes in where Frank was in the apartment of his sweetheart from the war when she walks in, and she ran to him and they threw their arms around each other. That was it for me. 

See, I could remember when I was a young wife and Jerry came home from long assignments. I remember that gasp of joy and the feel of arms around me and my arms around him and the breathlessness of being in that moment. The words we said were being echoed on the screen. Yeah, that was it for me. 

Just so you know, there is no normal. You just limp along and hope the scary things stay hidden.

Hectic Days, Changing Seasons

It's been hectic around here. I've done a little sewing and some editing as pain allows. Did a little crochet, but I've had a terrible time with my hands. Lots of pain and swelling. That's not a good sign. Stress and weather changes working their magic, I guess. For a couple of weeks, we've had lots of rain and the temperatures fluctuate wildly. It does bad things to my joints and muscles. 

I cut my den curtains off and made them window length. It just became more functional, and I find I like it much better. I'm planning on doing some more sewing soon. I'm waiting till Becca gets moved, so I've got room to spread out fabric.

She's getting moved into her new apartment this week. I've been busier with her and Madi here, but it has been in a good way. Madi is a joy to have around and the hugs and kisses are a comfort. I'm not sitting doing nothing so much and, if I am, I'm not so depressed. It is also nice to have conversations, to have someone to go to church with, and just hang with once in a while. I'll still watch Madi when she works at night and pick her up from school as needed. Once they move, I'll miss them but they're less that 10 minutes from my house. So, I hope the benefits will outweigh the bad.

Today was my birthday. Madi and Becca made me breakfast. That was nice. My sister brought me a card and a gift. I had a couple of calls and friends and family on Facebook sent birthday wishes. A nice day, really. 

Still no contact with Sarah. When she's allowed to have her phone, she tries to call, but her calls are being monitored and limited, as are her text. They're afraid she'll say something they don't want anyone to know. Not sure what state secrets she could share, or that I'd find enthralling, but apparently she's a security risk. Sad to see a family relationship destroyed so badly. Once she is free, she will hate those who held her hostage. Takes years to repair, if it is repairable. 

I am going to bed now. For days I've been exhausted. I even had a long nap today and I'm still tired. Perhaps tomorrow will be better. 

Seeing Red - Indiana Can't

As of yesterday, the car is finally in the shop for repair from where the second person rear-ended me. Yes, the second person. A month ago at a stoplight, a person hit my car. Thankfully, there was no damage. A week later, I'm hit in the rear again at another traffic light. We stopped both times for a red light. The people behind me didn't feel the need. This time, the bumper and trunk need repair. 

Tell me please what you don't understand about a red light or stop sign? I mean, in every culture on the planet, it means the same thing. And yet Indiana doesn't get it. Every time someone has ever hit me was from the rear when I stopped at a traffic light or stop sign. Every time was in Indiana. So I think I know what I'm talking about.

Red means stop EVERWHERE! The Hexagonal red sign with the big words STOP needs no clarification if you have a driver's license or finished first grade.  

How many rear ends, you ask? At least 6. All in Indiana. All but 1 in Evansville, Indiana. 

On Saturday, I left my keys in the car in the ON position. I was stressed and having an awful weekend. When I got up to go to church, my battery was dead. I called Roadside Assistance since I have that on my insurance and they jumped it off. However, apparently when a battery goes out on the new cars, amazingly annoying things go wrong. The first time it knocked out all the setting on my stereo and my radio started blaring every time I start my car. I hate that. I've never been able to fix it. This time, it turned off Auto traction, power steering, and some other really important things. We tried everything to fix it, but no luck. I googled for information but it wasn't there. We suspected it was a code issue. In new cars, there is no power steering fluid. Everything is electrical. So this would have to be a computer problem. 

Since it was going into the shop the next morning, I prayed over it and hoped they could resolve the issue. They ran a check but had to call Ford for the solution. Disconnect the battery cables and wait a few moments. Reconnect. It worked.

Here's my gripe. Mike called Ford. They gave him a quote to check the problem and one if it needed a new module. It would cost $1100 to replace it. What do you think would have happened if I'd taken it in? 

Note to self" consider never buying another Ford product. This is my second Ford and probably my last.

I expect to have my car back by Thursday if all goes well. 

Other things are going on as well, but I'd rather forget them for a while. I'm having a fibro flare and for days now I've felt bad, today being the worst. So, I'll leave things here for now. 

Life On The Ledge: Sometimes It's Crazy

Life happens here on the ledge and I'm sure, in that valley down below. On the ledge you constantly feel at any moment you could fall over the edge. 

Sarah's mom is moving back to town, and she is going to court to regain custody of Sarah. Sarah doesn't want to live with her dad anymore. Dad is my son. I really love my sons and I've hoped and prayed for them both all their lives. The situation is very sad now. He blames me for her mother trying to take her. In fact, "I planned and plotted this". I actually didn't, but I did not to interfere. I'd been seeing things I had concerns about and prayed for God to take steps. I had nothing to do with her mom's decision. He's not let her mother see Sarah for two years. So, I suppose if someone tried to prevent me from seeing my child, I'd take steps too. 

Wrong is wrong, even when it is my own. 

I've talked to Sarah, and she hates living with him. She loves her dad, but the wives became a problem for her. Sarah is not perfect and has difficulties. They knew she has problems, that she was in counseling for them, and on medication. That all stopped when she left here. She's placed on meds that weren't good for her, taken off meds that were, seeing a counselor who was besties with her then step mom. So, no chance of non-biased help. Then she kicked them to the curb, because she couldn't cope with Sarah's problems. Six months later new wife, new state, a new set of problems. Sarah, again taken off her ADD meds, given anti-depressants, taken off the vitamins she took, gained 15 lbs at least, is having periods lasting months but is told this is normal. No, it is not normal, and all this suggests a metabolic disorder that runs in the family. Yes, I've told EVERYONE. I know nothing, apparently.

We traveled to watch her baptized. She begged her dad to let her come visit (after her mom and my sister asked and were told no). He deigned to give her 3 days. They sent her home in hand-me-downs with one bra and two pair of underwear and flip-flops. Despite our sending her new dresses (they threw or gave away those because the new step doesn't like my style). 

Once in the car Sarah said, "I'm not going back there ever." We were dumfounded. And horrified by her demeanor. However, she's in tears and angrier than any kid I've ever seen. For weeks now, we've worked with her. She's on Ashwagandha for the hormonal problems and back on her vitamins. We can't get her in school because the school was told we kidnapped her. Not sure who spread that around. It isn't true. Her mother and dad share joint custody. 

We didn't think they would allow her to come here because they denied every request made. She simply refused to go back. The police said they can't force her to go back either. So, we have honored her wishes. However, her mom can't get health care for her right now because she is on a plan there and they're not taking her off. She goes to court on the 19th to request custody changes. After reviewing the State guidelines governing this case, I suspect it won't be a problem. In fact, according to the guidelines, he is in contempt of court. I'm disappointed in him because he wants to be a police officer. But if you can't obey the laws, you have no business trying to enforce them.

As for Sarah, after a week of the Ashwagandha and a trip to the gym, she seems to be better mood. I miss the smiling and laughing Sarah that I knew before she went away 2 yrs ago. She's lost that, but in the last two days, there is a glimpse of her. 

There is a list of things that went on that weekend, but I'm so glad we prayed before we arrived and that we prayed for our own tempers to remain calm and civil and be courteous. My family was slammed with personal attacks while we were there. Yet, everyone kept their cool and got through it. I'm not taking part in any further discussions or harangues from anyone about what happened. No one should make a child feel they count for nothing and that the parents' desires are paramount to the child's wellbeing. I don't care who they are. 

If you pray, pray for Sarah. She's what matters.

Alterations

 Did you ever feel that every choice you ever made was terrible? If you had only changed one thing, your whole life would have altered course, and you'd be a completely different person, in a completely different place with completely different people. 

Yeah.

That's where I've been for nearly three months now. 

Who would I be if I had different parents? If we never made that move from the coast to their old hometown, where would I be? If I'd never gone to the parade, who would I have married? Would I have married at all? Would I have children? Would I have boys, girls, or both? If we never left our hometown, what would life had looked like? If we never joined the military, where would we be? Would he still be alive? Would I have gone to college? Would I care? 

One choice alters everything. 

Yeah.

I don't have any wise insights. 

The Greatest Invention

We consider the modern printing press the greatest invention of all time. It revolutionized the processing of written material for mass consumption. The printing press ensured all people would have access to the Word of God. This drove people to learn to read and write. With an educated populace, ideas and inventions grew from a thought to blue prints. The Enlightenment happened because someone created a machine to print ideas.

I had a great aunt that lived in the country on a farm in the Florida Panhandle. We used to visit on holidays or other special events. Our family reunion was always at her house around Thanksgiving and included at least100 people throughout the day, some of whom were ex-wives, step-children, neighbors and friends. It was an amazing event, and I loved it as a kid. We all did! When my aunt died, we were all saddened. No one could step into that gap. 

I know. I know. What does that have to do with a printing press? I'll tell you if you give me a second. 

We lived close enough to my aunt to drive over in a couple of hours, and that's usually what we did. I never remember spending a night at her house. Except once. I couldn't have been over 5 or 6. The sensation of being small remains. 

When it came time to prepare for bed, Mama told me it was time for a bath. We went to the bathroom, and she closed the door. When I turned around, I realized there was no bathtub. 

"Mama, how am I going to bathe? There's no bathtub."

She picked up a white porcelain pan trimmed with a red rim and said, "We're going to get a spit bath."

Now, I don't know if I said anything else. I don't know what expression was on my face. I can tell you that my recollection is sketchy but I distinctly recall a feeling of "Oh no we're not."

But we did, and my gaze kept going to where the tub should be. Right then I am pretty sure I was thinking the bathtub was the greatest invention of humanity. 

These days I prefer a shower. Every night when I get a shower I stand under the water and thank Jesus for hot water. Really. My aching bones, muscles, and joints revels at the thought of the streams of steaming water running over them.

Tonight I thought about this. I thought about the printing press and Aunt Minnie's bathtubless bathroom. And I realized they got it wrong.

The greatest invention of all time is the hot water heater. 

May Update

May arrived with showers instead of flowers. I hate this weather. I have nothing noteworthy to mention and to repeat a litany of my aches and pains will bore you. I'll spare you this month.

Plans for May:

•     Get back to the gym.
•     A trip to St. Louis Zoo may happen as well. Madi is coming to see me and we may run over there. 
•     Go South for a few days at least, maybe to Atlanta and then to the Gulf. 

Fingers crossed on that last one. I need some sun and some warm weather. I could also use some warm sand against my feet. 

I'm fairly disgusted with all my writing attempts. I've been unwell for most of 2020, and the start of 2021 does not bode well. I'm so tired of being sick, tired, and in pain. Bad enough to feel bad but the exhaustion that comes with autoimmune disease is simply miserable and hard to bear.

Mike has started his third week of employment with Amazon. I'm so proud of him for stepping out and doing this. If you have read this blog, you know he has some medical issues and some learning issues that make it hard for him to employ. And finding employers willing to work with his hearing problems and learning problems is very difficult. They usually just fire him rather than trying to work with his situation. This driving job seems to be designed for him. Prayers for him in this job. 

Sarah is in Ohio. I no longer get to see her unless I go there, but they have no place for us to stay and I can't afford hotel rooms. I get messages from her now and then, but that's all. I'm trying to ignore the intense pain it causes me. I thought it would be different that when she was in Arkansas, but it isn't. 

I have been doing the housework better. I found a video on YouTube that showed me an exercise for my lower back that really seems to help. It isn't a cure, but it helps lessen the pain. It also clarified for me, where the pain is located. My SI joints seem to be the problem =  sacroiliac joints.

I'm trying to watch my diet again. I lost 20 lbs last year before Covid lockdown. I gained it back plus. Going barefoot aggravated my plantar fascitis, so I now have to wear shoes constantly. But I can walk again. Another good reason to get back to the gym. 

For several months, I've been cleaning out rooms and closets, but I haven't gotten rid of nearly enough junk. I'm considering storming a room at a time and emptying it and then putting only necessary items back in it. I'll put everything in boxes and then decide what goes to charity or the dump. It would make it easier in the event I actually decide to sell the house. I keep thinking it is the best solution now. I have nothing left to hold me here.

That's May in a nutshell, I think. I am trying harder to come in and update this blog regularly. It seems I've lost my desire to write much of anything. I find life more pain than not and no one wants to be bombarded with reports of that all the time. 

If you're still a reader of this blog, thank you. And I'm sorry if you get tired of my whining. We all want to be heard, especially when we're in pain. When I look back over this blog, I see there has been a lot of pain. And loss. And I'm no hero. 

Have a good week and be blessed. While you're at it, bless someone else.

A Pie to Die For

From 1977 to 1979 we lived in Frankfurt, W. Germany (Now unified.) We visited a minister/military family named Shrum with some friends. It must have been some kind of special event, but I remember little but meeting them. 

Anyway, Sister Shrum gave me a pie recipe while I was there. I made it many times when we first came home to the states, and Jerry loved it. As with all things, I stopped making it and forgot about it. I have looked for that recipe for years with no success. 

This week, I searched through some letters from my time in Germany. I wondered if they contained anything of interest since I wrote home nearly daily during my pregnancy to close family members, but they were rather trivial. 

However, in all the trivia pregnancy stuff was a single gem: the recipe! I thought it would be fun to share it here. I don't know what happened to the Shrums. The military is like that, too. You make friends, move, and lose them. I tried to keep up with many of them, even have a letter or two in there to some others. No idea if I got answers.

So, here is the pie recipe. Warning: This pie is tart, sweet, and high calorie, but oh, so delicious!

1 graham cracker crust. (9 in)

1 can Eagle Brand sweet condensed milk

1 4 oz container of Cool Whip (don't think they make 4 oz anymore but you can measure)

1 6 oz can of Minute Maid Limeade, Lemonade, or Orange Juice.

Combine milk and one can of Minute Maid (any flavor you want) . 

Add Cool Whip and blend well by hand.

Pour into crust and chill until set firmly. 

That's it. The lemon and lime were my favorites. If you try it, come back and let me know how it turns out. I wondered how it would work with cream cheese, but I will not attempt it. I live alone and this pie would be the death of me.

#pie

#recipe

#minutemaidpie

April Came Smiling In

April arrived with much nicer weather, although she's a little fickle about it. Still, it is nice to have sunshine and warmer air. Today was almost too warm but I'll take it as it is. 
 

I haven’t got back to the gym. I planned to go back by May 1, but I want to go now. After the pain problems with my legs, I afraid to go too soon. Today, a walk around the yard to clean up trash from aliens, I struggled to do it. I dragged a trash bag around. It wasn’t heavy, but you’d have thought I was trudging uphill with a 50 pound pack. I couldn’t hardly walk the yard. It really is scary for me. I’m unsure what to do, and I don’t know what I’m going to do!

Sarah hasn’t been since her last dental appointment. I miss her so much, but I’m pretty sure she won’t visit unless she is at her Mom’s. It’s about choices. She calls once in a while, when she can be on her phone. And a text here and there. No photos, though. 

It’s been over a year since I saw my family in Georgia. As soon as I can, I’m going down for a visit. If that goes well, I’m going to Florida to see my family there. Don’t know where I’ll stay, but I have a tent and am not above borrowing a yard somewhere. 

Writing hasn’t been happening. I did eek out a bit here and there, but it feels as if my brain has just gone on holiday some place drab and boring. When I searched for some files on my computer a few weeks ago, I found that I have 5 unfinished novels about the same town and a family of sisters! I’ve spent some time since trying to put them in order time wise and writing here and there to finish them. Five! That’s just ridiculous. The trouble with NaNoWriMo is that you don’t finish one before it is time for the next one. I was in charge locally for nearly 10 years. This is the result. 

I can only hope I can finish them, but with my mind and body subject to this blinding fatigue, I have little hope. 

Oh, I went to church for the last two weeks! So exciting! I so missed it, and I can’t tell you how great it was to go back. 

I’m going to close out this post and see about food. I’m not sure what I want, but I need to eat something. I hope you’re all doing well. 

#prowritingaid

#april

#lifeontheledge

My March Catch-Up

 Life is moving on at a steady pace. Already it is the 6th of March. I feel like the world is in chaos but I've kept my windows and doors closed and banned all news except the occasional glimpse of a paper or a comment from someone who says, "did you hear about". My response is usually "No." 

I can trust both my sons to inform me of newsworthy events, the youngest more so than the older. Well, actually my oldest son reports on local events while my younger is very political and reports on national or global events. So, I'm as informed as I want to be. I see some things on Facebook but have limited myself to only small news agencies not affiliated with the network news. 

For the moment, I'm doing better. I don't know if I've posted about the problems I've had walking. In a nutshell, I couldn't walk without extreme pain in the back of my legs - hip to heel. It became impossible to move around the house for more than a few feet, and carrying anything was agony. 

A few weeks ago I remembered I have Plantar Fasciitis and wondered if that could be a factor. I researched and eureka! It could. I put on my shoes and 24 hrs later; I was walking without pain. This week I bought new shoes because they don't sell house shoes with heels. I have to wear a heel with my PF. Now I'm walking fine. 

Today the house is relatively clean, the cats are relatively happy, and I'm not so tired I can't do anything. My fatigue is compounded lately by changes to my BP meds, I believe. After I take them, I almost always have to go to bed and sleep for two hours. 

I haven't been writing as I'd like. Too much fatigue and I run out of spoons by the time I get done with my daily chores. By May I must be ready to get back to the gym or cancel my membership. I put it on hold because of my leg pain. I really hope I can go back before May, but I want to be sure I've allowed my legs to heal enough to prevent further injury.

Until then, I'll just keep being careful. I went and bought better shoes to wear inside. Not a house shoe, but a pair of Skechers that are stretchy and have a support for my foot. They're just for inside, though I forgot and kept them on the other day to run to the store. They're so comfy I forget them. 

And that's the way it is, March 6, 2010. Not much in the way of excitement. Do take care of yourselves and have a good weekend.

Just Breathe

 It occurred to me a few weeks ago that for the first time in 12 years I wasn't dragged into a pit of memories and grief over the course of November, December, and January. I admit it was a surprising realization. 

When the journey began, more like a train wreck than a journey, they told me the average time to recover from the death of a spouse was about 6 years. Obviously, I am an underachiever. I took twice as long. I can only attribute that to the accompanying PTSD that resulted from my experience. 

Maybe you could have done better. Maybe you know someone who did. I'm truly happy for them. I wish.

It took me a bit to understand what was going on with me. Apparently, my brain doesn't release trauma as easily as other folks do. I have memories from my childhood that can destroy my day in an instant. I've controlled this stuff over the years, but not without extreme efforts. Jerry's death nearly destroyed me, and even today, I don't handle stress with the same ease I once did. I break easily now, something that shocks my closest family members when it happens.

And I still have days when a memory can pop up and just wreck my composure. I sit and cry but it isn't the soul shredding of early days and the intense sadness that follows, I can cope with. 

Am I "over it"? No. That won't happen. I remember all the times I should have been nicer, more understanding, not taken part in an argument, and said "I love you" more. I remember every moment of the last 24 hours of his life. And I can't think about it. Ever. It is a nightmare I try very hard to avoid at all cost, sometimes failing. I remember the sound of his wedding ring striking the post of the headboard of our bed as he struggled with a massive coronary, and the deathly silence that followed. For months I heard that sound. And if I try very hard, I can still hear it. Just writing these words makes it hard to breathe. 

Just breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe!

The cliche is that time heals all wounds. Maybe. I'm not sure. I carry massive scars that no one but I can see. And believe me, they are deep and painful. I often ask myself if I'll ever stop hurting from it. I have no answer to that. Some folks find a new spouse in a few years. I haven't even considered it. I've met death once, up close and personal. He won that fight. The next time, maybe I'll win and Jerry will walk me home.

For now, I just try to breathe. 

In With a Fizzle

  2021 rolled in with a razzberry. I'm not impressed at this point. I hope your New Year started well.

I've actually done a lot this week. On Monday, I vacuumed the den and living room, washed three loads of laundry and put it away, made my bed, and cleaned cat boxes. I straightened up things that were a bit disarrayed with Mike staying here last week. He kept things neat and cleaned up after himself well.

Tuesday, I was pretty much a couch potato. The Monday marathon took its toll and sapped my energy. Today, a beautiful but cold Wednesday, I'm even more tired and I have some stomach issues. I always have the stomach issue for a couple of days after I take my Humira shots. I took it Monday so it is par for the course. I should be fine tomorrow. 

I have to pick up a few groceries today or tomorrow. Honestly, I get so tired of preparing food! You'd think I'd lose weight. But I enjoy eating. 

This week, I'm considering setting up a plan for myself. I get so little accomplished and my mind is so disorganized, I can't seem to focus on things. Perhaps if I create a plan, I can stick to it and see some progress. 

Won't be today. I've been so tired all day and did nothing at all up to this point. I have to go get Mike soon, so he can go to the store for me. Another job I hate! 

The only positive I feel lately is that I'm reading my bible and doing my devotions more faithfully. I've had some really great blessings and felt much better about some things that were bothering me. 

This is short and I don't see where I complained as much, so I hope you don't find it boring. 

Have a wonderful week. I really need to work on making this more interesting. (And proof read.)