Friday, June 3, 2011

The End Approaches

My vacation is nearing an end. It hasn't been much of a vacation. The first part of the week I spent depressed and basically mindless. I did read a lot and I did some crochet. The second half I started sewing projects. I've enjoyed that. But in the midst of it I've come down with a horrible case of something. Probably hay fever with all it's attendant misery. I'm limited in what I can take. Most allergy medicines make me extremely sleepy and I can't take them. Some give me heart palpitations and elevate my blood pressure. Some do nothing for me. So, it is unlikely I'll find anything that actually works.

I did do something totally selfish. I actually went totally off the rails. Most of you know I don't usually splurge on much for myself. I mean, a car is about the only thing I seem to really buy for myself. And that is a necessity. Wouldn't have done that if some nut had been watching where she was going. But other things, well, look how long it took me to actually buy a laptop! I talked about it for two years on the blog before I finally bought it. In fact, Jerry and I had discussed it that long and not until the fall after he died did I actually do it. That is the last expensive thing I bought. Until the car, of course. I've been talking about buying one of those ginormous t.v. sets you put on the wall for over a year now. But have just kept putting it off.

So, today I went shopping. Would you like to know what I bought?

No, not a television.

Yes. I did. It will arrive on Tuesday. This will be the fourth machine I've ever owned. I started with my grandmother's Brother at age 11. It was a great machine. Jerry bought me my own Singer machine when we were stationed in Frankfurt Germany in 1978. I had put it on layaway when I found I was pregnant. The day I came home from the hospital from a miscarriage he picked it up and brought it home for me. I have a photo of me cutting out things that week. I had left Mama's machine, to my eternal regret, with daddy and I have no idea where it is now but I think my mother has it. Jerry learned to sew on that machine and would put his own patches on his uniforms. He liked doing it. That was all the sewing he did of course but he did that. I kept my first Singer for about 15 years, too. Jerry bought me the 2210 below in the early 90's and I used it a lot but after college I gradually stopped sewing except for minor repairs. Once I gained weight it was not as much fun because altering patterns is a lot more work and I got frustrated with it. Until then I didn't have to alter the patterns at all. I will now.

I thought about buying a machine all day yesterday. My old machine is working but it is well over 15 years old. It is one of the first micro-computer machines they came out with. Jerry bought it for me after we moved here in 1990. He was still in service because he bought it at the PX in Ft. Knox, when my sister was stationed there. I have had to have it serviced several times over the years but it still works.

When it begins to drop stitches I know it is time to service but with that costing over $60 a pop, it become less and less of a bargain. I've had it serviced about 7 or 8 times all together. So,I just decided I wanted a new one and since I didn't get that trip to England, I figure this will appease me. I've already started saving again from my trip and will be banking vacation days as well. I'm going to have to do a lot of sewing to make up for the splurge. Besides, I've let this particular hobby wasting for too long. Sarah can reap the benefits... well, if I sew for myself so will I.

I plan to go back to work on Wednesday so won't have much time to play with the new toy for a few days but I am hoping that in the evening I'll put it to use. And my work week will only be three days.

I have discovered several things about me this week. I'm not a very happy person anymore. I always thought I was rather happy. I liked my life and doing the things I always did. Somewhere it changed and became a chore. And work is not something I remotely enjoy. I liked being at home and taking care of my family and home. The things that gave me joy and a feeling of security disappeared over night. When I had to go to work, Jerry hated it and I thought he hated it more than I did. He didn't. Much of the stress I feel is from my job. The rest is from my children. I worry about them constantly, more so since Jerry died, and particularly Mike.

I'm pretty certain that nothing can fix this whole problem. I am a "learn to live with it" person. "Like it or lump" it we used to say as children. I knew what that meant then. I don't now. Suck it up, get over it and all the usual cliches. Life is what it is and I suspect we don't have any control over it. I've heard it said we can control our happiness. If that were true, Jerry would be in the next room. Mike would not be a concern. I'd be planning on how we spend the weekend. Happiness is not in my control. Neither is sadness. It is what it is. So, guess the vacation wasn't a total loss.

Now, I'm going to work on that second skort. I also have some other stuff to do, such as paying bills. I forgot it is the first of the month. House payment due. {sigh}

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