Just Breathe

 It occurred to me a few weeks ago that for the first time in 12 years I wasn't dragged into a pit of memories and grief over the course of November, December, and January. I admit it was a surprising realization. 

When the journey began, more like a train wreck than a journey, they told me the average time to recover from the death of a spouse was about 6 years. Obviously, I am an underachiever. I took twice as long. I can only attribute that to the accompanying PTSD that resulted from my experience. 

Maybe you could have done better. Maybe you know someone who did. I'm truly happy for them. I wish.

It took me a bit to understand what was going on with me. Apparently, my brain doesn't release trauma as easily as other folks do. I have memories from my childhood that can destroy my day in an instant. I've controlled this stuff over the years, but not without extreme efforts. Jerry's death nearly destroyed me, and even today, I don't handle stress with the same ease I once did. I break easily now, something that shocks my closest family members when it happens.

And I still have days when a memory can pop up and just wreck my composure. I sit and cry but it isn't the soul shredding of early days and the intense sadness that follows, I can cope with. 

Am I "over it"? No. That won't happen. I remember all the times I should have been nicer, more understanding, not taken part in an argument, and said "I love you" more. I remember every moment of the last 24 hours of his life. And I can't think about it. Ever. It is a nightmare I try very hard to avoid at all cost, sometimes failing. I remember the sound of his wedding ring striking the post of the headboard of our bed as he struggled with a massive coronary, and the deathly silence that followed. For months I heard that sound. And if I try very hard, I can still hear it. Just writing these words makes it hard to breathe. 

Just breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe!

The cliche is that time heals all wounds. Maybe. I'm not sure. I carry massive scars that no one but I can see. And believe me, they are deep and painful. I often ask myself if I'll ever stop hurting from it. I have no answer to that. Some folks find a new spouse in a few years. I haven't even considered it. I've met death once, up close and personal. He won that fight. The next time, maybe I'll win and Jerry will walk me home.

For now, I just try to breathe. 

In With a Fizzle

  2021 rolled in with a razzberry. I'm not impressed at this point. I hope your New Year started well.

I've actually done a lot this week. On Monday, I vacuumed the den and living room, washed three loads of laundry and put it away, made my bed, and cleaned cat boxes. I straightened up things that were a bit disarrayed with Mike staying here last week. He kept things neat and cleaned up after himself well.

Tuesday, I was pretty much a couch potato. The Monday marathon took its toll and sapped my energy. Today, a beautiful but cold Wednesday, I'm even more tired and I have some stomach issues. I always have the stomach issue for a couple of days after I take my Humira shots. I took it Monday so it is par for the course. I should be fine tomorrow. 

I have to pick up a few groceries today or tomorrow. Honestly, I get so tired of preparing food! You'd think I'd lose weight. But I enjoy eating. 

This week, I'm considering setting up a plan for myself. I get so little accomplished and my mind is so disorganized, I can't seem to focus on things. Perhaps if I create a plan, I can stick to it and see some progress. 

Won't be today. I've been so tired all day and did nothing at all up to this point. I have to go get Mike soon, so he can go to the store for me. Another job I hate! 

The only positive I feel lately is that I'm reading my bible and doing my devotions more faithfully. I've had some really great blessings and felt much better about some things that were bothering me. 

This is short and I don't see where I complained as much, so I hope you don't find it boring. 

Have a wonderful week. I really need to work on making this more interesting. (And proof read.)

Mid-December Update: Life

 I'd like to say life has begun to return to normal. I'd like to but it hasn't. However, at my house, it seems the virus is in retreat. The fatigue is still a problem but since I have fibromyalgia, that isn't going to change except in intensity. I still have some coughing but it is one of those things where you hear the stuff breaking up in your chest. 

Even though I'm feeling better health wise, my mood is rather dark most days. I stopped listening to news over a year ago. I read online articles and I try to limit the agency reporting. The poison seeps in, and I get so angry. So, I'm going to need to cut off the sources of this. It is toxic. I'm a rather non-violent person and if I'm affected this deeply, I shudder to think how some more volatile folks are reacting. If they have mental issues, it will be even worse. 

I've had to shut this blog down to registered readers only because David's ex-wife took exception to my posts about Sarah's treatment in her home. If you have read this blog long, you know I rarely call out people and never by name. I guess if you cared enough, you could go digging and find it. I've deleted all photos of them, so that's not an issue. 

She claims it is all lies and is giving David problems. It is hilarious to me that David's first wife, while they had some issues over Sarah, she never really caused any problems for him and never attempted to, letting him stay in the apartment. He didn't in order for her to have a place to stay with Sarah. They worked it out and things settled down. The second wife got him to help buy her parents' home, and he's on that loan.Then she kicks him and Sarah out. So, he can't buy a house or a car as long as he's on that loan. The court has ordered her to take him off, but she's not done it because she can't afford the loan herself! He could not get a plate for his car in the state he's living in now because of this. He's making his car payment, which is included in the loan. And she's upset because I call a spade a spade. 

I'm sick of ugly people. She's lucky it isn't me. I would stop making that car payment. She could make the whole thing or get the loan squared away. 

Yes. I can be nasty. 

Anyway, it isn't my problem and David is not that kind of person. He'll go a long way to resolve it but I am concerned because he needs a place where he is and cannot do much. 

I'm putting up a Christmas tree this year. I'm spending a few days after Christmas at David & Tasha's house. She asked me to come! Can you believe that? Ex never actually invited me to their house, and she made sure she was home very little so she didn't have to entertain us. She managed the last year to avoid coming here at all. 

So, it is refreshing getting invited to my son's home. I spent hours at his house when he lived here with Becca and enjoyed it. Once Covid is under control, maybe I can spend more time visiting him and his new family. This lady seems nice, and she's got a sense of humor. Sarah really loves her, too. For that, I'm so very thankful. 

I guess I should stop here and actually do some work. I have a couple of chapters in my friend's book to read and edit for him. They were missing from my originals. I have a book I'm trying to read and have been for weeks! I couldn't read at all during my illness. I couldn't concentrate on anything at all, and even watching TV. was hard, too. 

Need to go now. I am really feeling down today. I need to decompress.

Scandal Mongers Are So Interesting

People love scandal. I don't know why. I suppose it is some dark place in each of us that is empty unless we're reading about, talking about, or involved. I don't like scandal but like anyone else, it makes me curious when people behave a certain way. 

I had a comment on my Facebook page from someone I have never named here but have posted about a situation involving them. I guess they felt the need to defend themselves. Never a good idea if you're innocent. I refer you to the post, Don't Poke the Bear if you're dying to know. I don't know what the comment said other than the first half dozen words, "We didn't raise our daughter" I deleted it before I saw anymore. I see no reason to say more than I have already said. I blocked the person from my Facebook page so they can't get into any more trouble. 

However, since I occasionally make public post that anyone can read, and this blog is an open blog, blocking is fairly pointless in these cases. Trolls will be trolls. I'm sure their "friend" who is so nice as to keep reading my blog to see if she can get any exciting tidbit to pass along will be sure they see the pertinent posts. I bet she even shared my link with them!

We all know people like that, they say they like you, but they keep feeding you negative things to make you mad. Don't know who you are, sweetie, but please keep passing along my posts! My traffic is going up since you did that! I wondered why it has shot up recently. How many have you shared it with? Did you share it with their church friends? I bet you did. Cause you're special that way.

You may ask why I didn't read the comment, and it is a fair question. When I told my son about it, he asked what it said. I tell you what I told him. "I don't know. I didn't read it. I'm not interested in anything they have to say." See, when you have evidence that you're right about something, nothing anyone says will change that. I have 4 years of psychiatric records that document what was happening. Four years. When she went to live with her Dad, her counselor was best friends with the stepmother. That is an absolute violation of professional standards. Who was she going to tell about her problems then? No one. 

So, I will say again to this friend. You are only getting more deeply involved in things that are none of your business. You are creating trouble for people you supposedly are on good terms with, and if they had any common sense, they'd be asking why anyone would do such a thing. I don't care what you do. 

BE ADVISED: This is my last warning to you folks. I've been relatively quiet to protect my girl from further heartache. I've named no names here and never intended to. However, do not attempt any further contact in any form with me or direct any communication to me. And don't call my son and make threats. If you do, I will report to the state agency that handles suspected abuse cases. There I will present the records of counseling sessions, psychiatrist notes, and the names of everyone involved. I'm not out to get anyone because it won't change a thing, but if you don't bug off, I will do what I should have done in November 2019. There are other children that visit that home and an investigation might not be as much fun as you had mistreating my girl.

Go quietly. Keep your comments to yourself. You've poked the bear one time too many. You won't get another chance to do that. I will make my next statement to Family Services in a certain state. 

Don't believe me? Try me.

End of November!

I guess we all know there are only 31 days left in 2020. November delivered a snow shower at a parting gift. 

I really think there should be a global celebration of good riddance. It has to be the worst year in the world's history, except for the years when the Black Plague was active 1347 & 1750 {est. deaths: 75,000,000 - 200,000,000}. I'm pretty sure things were worse. 

Whatever, I'm glad this year is ending. I don't have hope of a better year. We've seen the levels people will sink to in order to make the world a horrible place, and we've watched elected officials show their true colors. We've seen former humans act worse than the lowest snake, sub-humans. Burning cities, destroying businesses of people who worked hard to build them, willing to kill people for no reason.  We've seen corruption sweep through the electoral process and 50% of the public is just fine with it, as long as they get their pick. If it is someone else, they'll then become concerned citizens. Right now they're sycophants hoping for handouts. 

Thanksgiving didn't start well. It never does. But my son and his family drove in for the weekend, and it was truly wonderful to see them. His last marriage was a joke, and he could never come home for a visit because she was too good to come here. And I wasn't welcome at their house. Looks like he's married a much nicer lady this time. She did all the cooking! It was so nice to feel like I didn't have to impress anyone and that they were glad to be here.

I also got to see Sarah and spend time with her this weekend. That was a wonderful treat. I am so happy when I can spend time with her. She makes me laugh and feel more like myself. She always has done. After Jerry died, she was all that saved me. 

Mike and I are nearly through the COVID-19, I hope. We're still coughing and battling fatigue. That's the worst part to me. Wash dishes, rest. Change sheets rest longer. Sweep a floor, rest. Takes forever to get things finished and before I am, it is time to start over. For a while, I was sleeping 10-20 hrs a day, part of that in 2-4 hr naps. Mike was doing something similar at his house. I'm taking fewer naps. Upward!

I've felt better today. I think having my family visit and the improvement of symptoms are responsible for that. Now if I can just go back to church! I'm staying away as long as this cough persists. I'm not contagious, but I know it is disturbing to some folks. I'll wear a mask to make sure people feel safe. It doesn't work, but if they feel like it does, that saves me the trouble of arguing.

I start December hoping I can accomplish some things here at the house that halted with the Covid invasion back in March. You couldn't get things you needed and then we got sick. So, maybe we can do a few things. The garage is colder than a well, so it won't be fun having to use the saw, but needs must.

 

For now, I'm heading for a hot shower. I hope your November ends happily and December begins with joy and continues.