Job Woes

Several have commented on my note about the coming layoffs at my office. To clarify, we got news yesterday that the boss must find a way to cut our spending immediately. I think he was given an ultimatum. "Cut your staff. NOW." Just a guess.

I've been expecting it for a couple of months now, ever since they began to drop people from the program. Fewer people getting housing assistance means fewer people employed to process it. This is the change they promised. Billions on stupid stuff and in foreign countries while housing for low income people is cut every year for Americans.

Now, with the Executive Director leaving it is not an unusual scenario. She was making way too much money since she's been here. I think they told her they would not continue to pay her =$100,000. She had an apartment she didn't pay for, she has health coverage. Worked an average of 4 days a week, leaving on Fridays to go back to her Illinois home and returning on Mondays. Cushy job that cost the taxpayers a bundle.

They would of course like for us to find other jobs. We were told to prepare our resumes and the boss would be happy to give us recommendations if we "didn't want to wait for the decision". He didn't say it but the truth is that would be easy for them. They wouldn't have to pay unemployment on several people at once. I will stay until they take the key to the back door.

There is no one near retirement. I'm one of the oldest in the department. There are a couple a few years older but most are under 50.

I appreciate any prayers you can garner on my behalf. I am immediately looking for ways to cut my spending until I know what will happen. If they lay me off, I would draw unemployment for a bit and I could substitute teach but there's no money in that at all. And the insurance I have is vital. Never mind that there are virtually NO jobs out there. Now would be a good time for that rich guy to knock on the door and say God sent him. LOL. Ok I have to make jokes here. Seriously, I don't want a rich guy... or any guy for that matter. I'd like Jerry to come home now. It won't happen. . . ever.

I don't find my self in a panic over the concept of no job. I think there have been so many blows in the last two years I just can't think about another one at this point. I sort of expect it, I guess. I'm sitting wondering why it took so long. I've managed to stay afloat because of my job. The thought of no job... it is just one more in a long string of bad things happening. They say when you hit bottom there is only one direction to go. I haven't hit it yet, I guess. I was kind of hoping for a ledge to break my fall.

More Problems 2

To install a weather head on the roof for the wiring the electrician has to replace my meter, run new wires, and said I can't have water within three feet of the electrical box. Makes sense. However, when I bought the house, the washing machine supply faucets were directly below my breaker box. I didn't put it there. A previous owner installed it before the codes were in effect. Now, I don't know if my water supply for the laundry room is going to be a problem and have to be moved as well.

Mike had a job for two weeks. He only worked twice. They fired him yesterday. He is in a spiral. Downward. I had to leave work and go to my house and make him go home. He was causing problems related to the people I had coming out for the electrical issues. This is the second time this week he's caused problems at the house. I feel bad for him about the job. But it wasn't a surprise to me. He's terribly disappointed and upset. I'm just tired.

I started the new medicine the doctor prescribed for me last week. It is Trazodone, an antidepressant he thinks will help me sleep. It doesn't work as good as my doxepin does. He says it is for the depression and to help me sleep. I may or may not take it. I am not supposed to take my skelaxin with it. I woke up hurting in my neck and shoulders because I didn't take the skelaxin. I don't know why I bother to go to the doctor. It is a waste of time and money.

I looked it up and it is a fairly mild A.D. but I'm not sold on its ability to help me sleep. It made me drowsy but Doxipen literally makes me fall asleep. Eventually, the effect decreases so I will be interested in seeing if this too decreases since it is not nearly as strong an effect as the other medicine. And the combination of Melatonin and Skelaxin makes me more sleepy that this stuff did. I took neither of those last night. I feel it this morning.

They are not going to be able to finish the roof in the back until this weather head is installed. So it will come to a standstill. I am hoping doing this rewiring may actually help with my utilities. If there are wires that are fused on the Vectren side, how do I know how that affects my power consumption? What idiots they are. They came and checked the line and on the places they found a break in the insulation and on the fused wires they simply taped it with electrical tape! I'll have to take photos of that.

O.k. I guess I have to get to work. I have a pain in my neck and sitting here is not helping. I may just go back to my regular medicines. This stupid to do this to myself.

More Problems

Randy just called to tell me that I need to call an electrician and have the wiring looked at where it goes into the house. He feels there is a risk of a fire if it isn't fixed. Apparently there are some melted wires for some reason. I have the power company coming to look at the line going in. The insurance adjuster told me that there was a line up there that the insulation was missing on and needed attention but what Randy found is another problem. Vectren will fix their lines but not mine.

So, another expense but certainly not unimportant. I guess it is better to get it fixed now than run the risk of losing my house. I'll feel safer with all this done. I'm just frustrated by it all. It was really getting bad I guess and we just didn't have any way to fix it. We never would have either.

On the House Top

Work on the roof began this morning before I got up. Could not find a comfortable position to sleep in and had to go take my sister to work at six. Her car didn't start again. She had it repaired yesterday. I am not sure what she will do. I paid her some money I owed her and that got it repaired but if it cost more I am concerned she can't get it fixed. It is an old car and she can't buy a new one.

After I got up and dressed we went and picked up the lumber necessary to attach the metal sheets to the roof and I just got back with that. It is a beautiful day in the neighborhood, sunshine is really glorious and the fall foliage is probably at its peak. It isn't going to be a long color season I don't think.

Right now it is 67F and perfect for sitting outside. I'm going to get Becca and Sarah in a few minutes. Dave is working out of town today at a concert. He has the part time job with a security company. It isn't enough money to live on but it is something.

Things are moving but still slowly. But then there are only two of them. I am hoping Becca will do some cleaning for me and help me get things a bit more orderly. I'm astounded at how very distressing it is. It is the first time in a long time I've actually felt better at work than home. Crazy.

I am taking photos today as things progress. I hope to have some of the new roof up by dark so you can see it won't look like a barn with this metal roof. For now, I'm going to get some laundry on. I am hoping to go to El Charro for lunch. Depends if I can get over there before three. I'd like to sit down and enjoy some time outside before it gets cold but I don't think I'll get it today. We'll see.

Late Night...Early Morning?

I'm going to bed. It has been a long day. I'm very pleased with the way the front of the house is looking. I can't believe how different it is going to look with the gable.

I must tell you a Sarah story. Her uncle Randy was going to sit down and eat tonight and he told her she could sit in the "princess chair" and eat, too. She patted the chair next to her and said, "And you can sit next to me." We were all amused at Her Royal Highness. No one has to tell this one where the power lies.

Randy got very tickled at her when he picked up a stuffed animal and handed it to her later. She told him she didn't want it because it's mother dressed it funny.

She is going to miss them when they are gone. She loves her uncle Randy and Brandon. If you check out the remodel album you can see she's got them wrapped around her tiny pinky.

Night.

New Photos Added

I added new photos of the work in progress in the remodel album. Here is the link:
Remodel - Thru Sunday 10/15/10

Friday, Too!

Another Friday has arrived. In fact, it is half gone. Here you see me in action. I am not sure how the weekend will play out but I truly need space and relaxation. I suspect I'll get more of what I've had for the last two weeks.

Progress is being made. I will take photos either tonight or tomorrow and post them. Randy planned to go home by Monday but he won't be done by then. Do say a prayer for him because he has had problems with his blood pressure this week and really wasn't able to do much for a couple of days. We were very worried about it. He forgot to bring his meds with him but I believe my sister-in-law mailed them and a few minutes ago he said they had come in the mail. I'm really glad. He is just working so hard and he never complains about anything.

I am going to stop for now. I'll try and get on later. Things have been a bit insane with us running all over to get showers. We still have no bathroom. LOL, but the roof and siding is going up really well. So, I'm fine ... well, I'm o.k.... well, I'm dealing.

Oh, the hip is a bit achy this morning. It was very cool last night and I had to turn on the electric blanket. Thank goodness for that! It helps a lot with achy joints but the hip is a bit rebellious. I'm using that medicine and if I can remember to keep putting it on throughout the day it might be even better.

I'm outta here for now! Look for photos soon!

On Top of It?

The roofing is to be in today. It rained yesterday. So, I hope that with that done, they can get the roof on and the rest of the siding up. The weather is supposed to cooperate and if the rest of the universe will, we may get this thing finished.

I've been doing the 4x a day thing with the Pennsaid as the doctor instructed. The pain in knees, leg, hip, and neck seem to be a better, particularly the hip. I'm telling you on Saturday I wanted to be put down like an old nag. The weather is damp this morning but I'm not in a tremendous lot of pain.

I have to pick up the new medicine tonight. I may not take it until tomorrow night since I do now know how it will work. I can't afford to miss work because I over slept.

Everything is, of course still a mess but there are areas I've managed to regain some slight order and that has helped me emotionally. I've been surprised with myself about that. I'm worse than even I thought. No wonder David is so OCD! And Mike! Poor Sarah, we see tendencies in her as well but she has two OCD parents so it doesn't bode well for her.

I was going to blog last night and do a video blog but I just didn't feel like doing it. By the time I got home from my shower, I was ready to hit the sack. I'll be getting more photos soon of the progress. I did post a new challenge. For October any Challenges I post will they will tend to be Halloweeny.

I have to go to work now. I am so glad it is Thursday. I am eagerly awaiting Friday. And Saturday will be greeted with great excitement.

As one governor once said, "I will be back."

A Dog's Mistake (In Doggrerel Verse) by A. B. Paterson

He had drifted in among us as a straw drifts with the tide,
He was just a wand'ring mongrel from the weary world outside;
He was not aristocratic, being mostly ribs and hair,
With a hint of spaniel parents and a touch of native bear

He was very poor and humble and content with what he got,
So we fed him bones and biscuits, till he heartened up a lot;
Then he growled and grew aggressive, treating orders with disdain,
Till at last he bit the butcher, which would argue want of brain.

Now the butcher, noble fellow, was a sport beyond belief,
And instead of bringing actions he brought half a shin of beef,
Which he handed on to Fido, who received it as a right
And removed it to the garden, where he buried it at night.

'Twas the means of his undoing, for my wife, who'd stood his friend,
To adopt a slang expression, "went in off the deepest end",
For among the pinks and pansies, the gloxinias and the gorse
He had made an excavation like a graveyard for a horse.

Then we held a consultation which decided on his fate:
'Twas in anger more than sorrow that we led him to the gate,
And we handed him the beef-bone as provision for the day,
Then we opened wide the portal and we told him, "On your way."


I like poetry. I was reading it as a child, began writing some by the time I was a teenager, and to this day, I still love reading it. I ran across this poet looking for something else. He writes about Australia. He is probably best known for "The Man from Snowy River" and the Australian anthem "Waltzing Mathilda". Here is a link to a site containing other poems by him.

A. B. "Banjo" Paterson Poetry

Lunch Break

Just went by the house on my lunch break with my friend, Carolyn. She loves the gable. The siding is looking really good. They took out the front window. If you go to the albums you will see a window on my breezeway on the wall between the garage and door. This window is now gone. I have a new door about to be put in with a window in it, with built in blinds. So, I'll still have a window on the front but more wall space inside.

There is something about a new door on a house that is so exciting. I can't explain it. I like new doors. I loved putting in the door we had on the back of the house. And the new door on the main entrance, which has no lites or windows of any kind. If I ever replace that door, it will be something fancy now that I'll have that nice gabled entry.


The old back door was known as a cross-buck door = window in the top and a cross panel on the bottom. (photo on the left)

The two new doors are the same except no cross buck design, rather a inset panel design that will better match the front door and of course the above mentioned window panes. (photo on the right).

The tile in the bathroom is nearly done. There were a few problems with some of it. I'm not thrilled with the way I had it done but it is what it is. I'm getting a plumber to install a new faucet on my sink. The old one is shot but the new one is exactly like it. If I ever get the kitchen done, that is one thing less that I'll need.

So, that is the the way things stand at the moment. More as the situation develops.

Is it Only Tuesday?

Good grief, what happened to the weekend? O.k. I am a mess. I haven't had enough sleep. This morning I had a doctor's appointment and lab work where, as usual, they had trouble finding a working vein. How is it possible to be walking around with blood flowing and they still have to resort to making a pin cushion of of me to get an ounce of blood?

My doctor is giving me a new medicine to help me sleep. Some kind of mood altering thing. Says I'm depressed and anxious. Give the man a blue ribbon. Sometimes I really don't like my doctor. Probably means he's fairly good at his job.

No, it isn't finished. They have started putting siding up. And the gable is almost done. The roofing is ordered and supposed to be in on Thursday. I have two new doors going in today and two new windows in the den. One window is coming out. Since the door will have a window I won't miss the one we remove. And I'll have another wall to utilize. That room has no unbroken walls so placing furniture is a pain. Now, I'll have one long wall with nothing but a door in it.

I am not feeling good at all. I hate all this running after work. I went home and put away two weeks of laundry. Mopped the floors I could get to because they were a mess and I can't stand it anymore. I'll have to take off to do anything about real cleaning. But, I get my birthday off this year and I am taking the 29th as well. I just asked Marques and he said it was fine. So, with that to look forward to, maybe I can accomplish some things at home.

All right, time to get to the real work. Break is over.

Monday Madness

I came to work exhausted. What a weekend! And the work isn't over.

I think I have to go buy the doors today and windows for the den. They are installing siding today. The gable is finished. They were working on the bathroom, too. I ordered the roofing material and it will be in Thursday. Yes, progress but still my house is a debris field after an atomic blast. I'm hurting all over. I'm not getting enough sleep because I am having to go get a shower somewhere else. It is nearly 10 before I get home after three of us shower.

I still have a headache. I don't know why. Tired, tramadol, stress, nerve pain, muscle pain? Whatever. I'm not going to be fit for NaNo if I don't start getting enough rest. I need a week of nothing.. no worries, no stress, no bother.

I may take another weekend away somewhere.... with a heated indoor pool.

Word for the Day

Necessitarianism - The theory that every event is determined by causal necessity and that the actions of the human will is not free, but is caused by previous actions and experiences.




It is a word. I read it in my Webster's Dictionary. I assure you it is a very good dictionary. Has everything in it... well up to 1978. But just look how many words that is...

FRIDAY!

I need a sound bite here. One long howling scream. That might convey my feelings far better than a blog post. I'm really not handling any of this well. See, I can't get away from all the debris and disorder. There is an elephant on my chest and he won't get off.

I tossed and turned last night, rethinking my whole decision to rip out a fairly good bathroom I only needed a tub, really. I am so stressed about everything. I don't know if any of this is a good idea. Everything is upside down. The bathroom seems like a total wreck. Of course it isn't finished but mentally, that isn't registering. Will I really like this change? What if I hate it?

The awning is lying in the front yard. The living room was freaky this morning because it was so light in there! Took me a minute to figure it out. Can't believe how dark it was for so long. I never thought much about it. It just was. With the window opened, the room looks totally different... and junky. I'm going to get new living room furniture as soon as order returns. I'm junking everything, I think. There is too much debris in my life.

I hope at some point this will be funny. I doubt it.

The Insanity of It All

There are far too many people around. My house is utter chaos. Everything is crazy, upside down, inside out, topsy turvy. It is so stressful that I almost would rather be at work!

Tile began going up today. It really looks nice. Randy stopped tiling around lunch because he wanted me to decide how high I wanted the decorative band. He also added a touch of his own. Diamond shaped tile above and below the band. I think it will look really pretty. He can cut the large tiles into four squares and turn the squares onto a point and line them up.

Watching all this I realize how very talented he is. There is no waste and he takes great care in his work.

Once the bathroom is done, they can work on the roof and siding and I can clean this mess up inside. I so need to get rid of a ton of junk!

We resolved the cabinet in the bath problem. My floor to ceiling hall cabinet will be modified. The bottom half of the cabinet will be divided and closed off. Half of it will open into the bath for towels and wash cloths and other items. The other half will open into the hallway and continue to be home to my bedding. This is an ideal solution using space that is already used but more efficiently.

I'm getting ready to turn in now. I've had a long day and evening. I will be glad when we can get a bath without having to leave the house.

Second Day of Demolition

I am on my way to bed. I'm exhausted. We had a few snags today. We had to go buy a new window, a sink, and get a different tile. I decided to do a color change. I will still have to buy paint. I bought a new light fixture and still have to buy the exhaust fan.

I also had to get faucets for the tub. The old ones were worn out. I still have a leak in the second toilet. I think the seal is worn out. We'll get a new one tomorrow.

The insurance adjuster came out and looked at the roof. I have enough to pay for the stuff to do the roof. Randy and Brandon will put that on for me. The metal roof is out as no one does the metal sheets for do it yourselfers. But that's ok too.

I'm all "het" up about this disarray. I can't stand the confusion of everything everywhere and dust coating everything. The effort needed to clean it will be herculean!

The green "rock" is up and waiting for the tile to go up. The window and tile will go in tomorrow. I really can't wait to see it.

Getting rid of the debris is a problem. I haven't figured it out yet and must by the time they start on the room.

It is midnight. Morpheus is calling.

The Walls Came Tumbling Down

The walls are down. Tomorrow they begin work clearing nails from the studs and working on getting ready to put in the green drywall. This is mold and mildew resistant "rock". The backer board is also. The floor was in better shape than we thought but we found the nest the mice built. And a dead mouse so the poison I put out worked.

I suspect they will get a lot done tomorrow. The claims adjuster will be here tomorrow to look at the roof. Randy will talk with him about the roof.

We are running the tile right to the ceiling. I just want as little maintenance as possible in there and I think that will be the best way to deal with it. The moisture level can get high and the tile will help with that, I think. There is no insulation in the outside wall and he will be putting that in there as well, so the warmth factor should be better.

Dust coats everything, even though I closed the bedroom doors I found dust on the headboard, night stand, and floor. So, it is a safe bet the bed was coated. I will change the sheets tomorrow. Tonight, I'm headed for bed. I wish I could be around to see how it goes but I'll check in at lunch.

We went to Dave and Becca's to shower and visit for a short time. Miss Sarah flirted shamelessly with Brandon, my step nephew. He is such a nice young man. Brandon seems to still be a good boy. I've only seen them maybe three times in the last 15 years and I think the older boy has gone off the rails a bit and so has the younger daughter. I was talking about the backyard camping trip we all had on the Labor Day weekend when Princess Diana died. We were at my mother's, all of us and our children, my aunt and uncle - a passel of about 15 people. We camped in her backyard, cooked out and just had a good time hanging out. The kids all played well together. Brandon, the middle child, was seven at the time and he's 20 now. He told me he remembered it and from the sound of his voice I think it was a good memory. I'm glad. I always loved those children. Those days will never come again so it is nice if he has good memories of it.

Lights out now. I will be posting photos eventually. And more as the project progresses. If things continue to move this fast, it won't take three weeks. Brandon says he can't wait to get on the roof. He likes roofing. I can't wait for the whole thing to be completed. I can't stand the chaos of stuff everywhere! I feel hemmed in by it but there is not alternative.

Sunday Passing

I'm tucked up in my bed waiting for my brother to arrive. I expect, barring delays, that he will get in around midnight. That's late for me. I am going to have a rough day of it tomorrow.

I should apologize for the depressing posts I've been putting up. Maybe I should close those off. I don't like them myself. I hate revealing all that at times. But from the beginning of this whole mess I felt it was very important for other people to see the reality of this process. Most of the time, we never get even a glimpse of it. I never had a clue. Now that I do, I can think of so many people I might have dealt with differently had I realized. The woman at work who's husband died a couple of months ago and I have talked quite a lot. One day I told her for months after Jerry died, I would put my face in his clothes hanging in the closet because I could still smell him on them. She started to cry and blurted out, "I did that!" After she regained her composure, I apologized for upsetting her. She said, "No, I thought I was the only one and I thought it was crazy!"

I've decided to take off to go get the tub, tile, and other stuff in the morning. I also have to get the permit based on the cost of materials. I can do that on my own. My brother will have to go with me to get the materials. I picked everything out yesterday.

I can't believe it is happening. I keep expecting to wake up and it all be a nice dream with no substance.

I'm tired and maybe I should try an sleep for a while until they arrive. They will be so tired but tomorrow is only one day. I suspect when they get started, it will be a whirlwind of activity.

I went to church tonight with Mike and Sarah. She is just such a joy. We went to McDonald's after church, of course, and while we waited for Mike to bring our food she smiled at me and said, "You're my best buddy." When I dropped her off at home she called, "Come get me Thursday." LOL, we have no idea why Thursday.

I've got my NaNo account updated and ready to roll. I need to start outlining my idea so I've got something to work with. I suspect I'll have time in the evenings but with two males in the house who knows.

I've never lived with this brother since he was a kid. And that was only briefly when Jerry and I were living with my mother and four of my siblings to help her make ends meet. He was a funny kid but rather quiet as kids go. That or I was just an older married sister too busy to notice him. I hope not.

At any rate, both my sister Phyllis and I are thrilled he is coming. She's going to help me feed them by cooking. Becca said she will come over and cook, too. I know that sounds silly but I don't expect them to eat the way I do. I don't eat at night! They'll be hungry with all this work. And I won't be home all day. So, they'll need someone to help with that.

I think I will call it a night. I'm really tired.

Voluntary Prison

I am home from church and sitting on the sofa in my pj's. It is a of and on sunny day and the temp has risen to 58 degrees. I thought about going to Kohl's and look for a new shirt. I considered putting on street clothes and walking shoes and going to the cemetery and walking. It is a nice cemetery and people often use it to walk. The paths are paved and there is a variety of hills, levels and curves in the narrow roads throughout the grounds. You could easily walk more than two miles. I followed neither urge. My hip has become nearly unbearable when I walk.

On the way home today I had two realizations. One, dreams do not come true. It is a lie... not a myth. A lie. Two, I realized that I really no longer want to leave my house. I do not like getting in the car and leaving the yard. I cry when I leave and cry when I come home. I cry at the thought of going out of the house every morning to my job. I cry when I get up. I cry when I go to bed. I manage to get through my work day without falling apart but I'm so tired when it is over. I just want to go home and not come out again.

I don't like going out and seeing how very empty the rest of the world is and how pointless it is. I didn't like shopping before, now I detest stores. At least, I can sit outside here if the weather is nice but it is too cold for me today and will probably remain so for six months. So I'll stay in my voluntary prison. It will be a fairly nice prison once all the repairs are completed.

I don't think as much when I'm here. I watch a lot of old t.v. shows and lie around. I'm so tired most of the time I can't do much more than that anyway. Half a day of cleaning house and I'm done for on any given day. Right now I feel exhausted and I'm still not done with getting things ready for house guests. I have felt this way for a few days now. But when I go to bed, I don't rest. There is no position in the bed that doesn't hurt and so my sleep is never very good.

I'm tired. I already said that but it is true.

Solitary Sunday

I'm just getting read to go out the door. I can't get anyone on the phone to go to church with me so I will be going alone. I do hate it but I can't do anything about it. Mike probably will sleep all day. Dave and Becca turn their phones off so I can't call and ask them. I did ask him last night if I could take Sarah and he said yes but I didn't believe it when he said it. But I still asked. I tried twice to call both phones. They don't want to hear it and so turning off the phones is a way to avoid the request. I don't get people who don't have the courage just to say no to your face rather than lie to you.

I don't think I slept well. Woke with feet, knees, hands, and neck hurting. It was cold in the house. I don't know what it got down to last night but it is currently 54 at 9 a.m.I guess I'll have to break out the electric blanket so I won't ache so much.

What am I going to do it this gets any worse? There isn't anyone to rely on for anything.

At the Starting Line

Get ready, WriMos! Thirty day and the fun begins. Yes, folks, 30 days! WriMos everywhere are beginning to sharpen their pencils, create folders on their hard drives, stocking the larder with all manner of cookies, crackers, chocolate, assorted candies, cocoa, and coffee. I still have some of Word's special brew in the pantry waiting for the cold nights of November. The first of November will see a skyrocketing purchase of snack veggies and fruits.

I dropped in this morning and found that the boards have been wiped. The forums are open. Don't forget to go update your profile with your time zone, participant/winner info, and download those lovely badges to show off on your email and websites.

If you have never participated in 30 days of madness, I encourage you to give in and try it. Anyone who loves to write should try NaNo once. You'll be hooked for life and discover a lot about yourself. Of course you'll make lots of friends along the way, too.

So, keep your eyes on this spot. The madness begins November 1st.

Downhill

I'm on the down side if Friday. I'm so glad. I've worked all day in my office moving furniture and cleaning. I'm done with most of the heavy stuff but still have two file cabinets to move and tons of stuff to get rid of.

We do not have maintenance men to do our moving. We have to do it ourselves. This means you have to know how to use a screwdriver and be able to move 100 lbs. I've been on the floor on my back beneath my desk most of the day. First taking it apart. Then, moving it. Then putting it back together. I will get photos for you all next week. I like it this way actually.

I had my desk in front of the window when I first got this office and moved the desk to a corner. It was hard to see the screen and I had to face the window. You can see photos of my office before today's change in layout in the albums. Actually, my keyboard tray won't work in the right place this time either but I'll rig something later for that. The other reason I wanted it moved was I hated my back to the door. My boss never knocks and I'm not allowed to shut my door. So he is eternally coming up behind me. I hate it. Of course he goes through our desks, too. Everyone knows it but there isn't much we can do about it. Not sure what his purpose is.

Anyway, it is almost time to go home and I'm going to finish it up. It was so very dusty and dirty in here. Our vacuum doesn't work well either. The wheel keeps falling off. I could bring mine from home for a day but don't see why I should be responsible for bringing my own equipment to clean their offices.

I'll pop in later. I'm so happy it is Friday! I hope I do not feel all this moving tomorrow!

Friday Has Arrived

I woke at my usual time, 6:30 a.m., to my clocking telling me it was my usual time. I got up, stretched, to the snap, crackle, ouch and mentally sent out scouts to determine where I was on that funny scale of faces they use in the doctor's office. I don't have one here but I think.....I am about ready to head out to work so we will see how the morning goes. I really need to get to bed and rest tonight so I can get up tomorrow and get things in order. I am so excited that my brother is coming up. I so want my house repairs done.

The writer's meeting went well last night but I hate I was so sick. I felt as if I wasn't able to put my best into it. But it was nice to sit and talk to my friends and share some of their excitement.
I hope everyone has a productive Friday. My Brit friends are already well into their Friday and it will be almost Saturday there by the time I get home. I may pop in later today if I find myself taking a break but. . .

Writers' Asylum Inmates Plot

Well, it sounds good. The Writers' Asylum met tonight. Again we were only three. Kathy had a family emergency ... or two. Her son took a knock on the head yesterday and the guinea pig died this morning. I do not think there is a connection. Thankfully, the GP was the only fatality but they are in mourning.

We talked a bit about what we aren't doing, what we want to do and NaNo approaching.

We did a writing exercise with a "progressive story". Cassie started a story, handed it off to me. I wrote the next bit and handed it off to Doug. It was fun and interesting how a small gray mouse, wearing a straw hat with a feather and plaid suspenders and named Theodore S. Muse came to life. I asked Cassie if she has time, to transcribe the story and share it with the other members. If I can I'll share it here.

The next formal meeting is set for Thursday, October 21, at 6:30.

We also set up the 14th & 28th as online meetings for anyone who can be online.

We enjoyed our meeting a lot. Even with just three we had a good time. That progressive story was amusing and is a good way to get the synapses firing a bit. But I got to tell you, I'm really not feeling very good. I do have some kind of bug. I just feel sick constantly. I'm going to bed now and hope that in the morning I'll be better.

NaNo is coming: 32 days = 4 weeks & 4 days!

Ron's Challenge

Link Three-Minute Fiction : NPR

During our visit last night, Ron tossed me a challenge. Actually, it is the above site where there is a writing contest posted regularly. I haven't had time to do more than skim it but NPR is a reputable entity so I am posting it here for my online writing friends.

I may try this when the next round opens up. It looks fun. And who know....

Tell Me It's Friday!

Please. I am really not feeling well today. I've been sick all morning. I feel absolutely "grotty" as Jilly says. I don't know what that means but is sounds terrible. That's how I feel.

You have to understand something. I don't get "sick" when I'm sick unless I'm really very, very sick. I never throw up and if I do, get me to the hospital because I'm really ill. No, I just feel like garbage. My stomach has bothered me for days. I've had headaches, lethargy, and a general all over ache. I need to lie down... badly.

I just went to lunch with Carolyn. We went to Bob Evans and I had potato soup. They have the best potato soup in the world. Small squares of potatoes sitting in a thick cheddery soup with crumbled fried bacon and scallions on top. Mmmmm, Sabrosa!

Anyway, it was good. And I had banana bread. That's delicious, too. But I still feel lousy. I'm annoyed by it because I have writer's meeting tonight. Last thing I want is to entertain but I don't want to cancel. I've been looking forward to this for two weeks.

I may just have to leave early and try to rest for a few hours. I don't know.

A Nice Evening to Watch the Leaves Fall

I've had a really nice evening. Ron arrived around 5:30. We decided to meet at my house rather than at a restaurant. We spent the evening, until 8:30 on the back patio talking and catching up on what is going on in our lives. We are both careful to avoid politics and religion since we are at opposite ends of the spectrum. This makes the conversation lots more fun because you can't talk about things that irritate the other person.

We came in at 8:30 because it got too cool for me. Being from Michigan, he is a bit more cold blooded. But I think it had even gotten to him. He drank a pot of coffee. He brought the coffee and we made it here. Dunkin' Donuts apparently sells ground coffee. I don't usually drink coffee at night so he had that 12 cup pot to himself. I told him he wouldn't sleep tonight. He says he has trouble sleeping anyway. With that much coffee in him, it is no wonder.

He just left about 30 minutes ago and I'm now showered and in my bed blogging before I turn out the lights. I vowed to myself to try and get in bed earlier tonight and see if I can rest. I felt sick most of the day. I still do not feel well but I did have a lovely visit with my friend.

He flattered me. I'm the only woman he likes to talk to. LOL, I don't believe it but he swore it was true. Apparently, I don't annoy him. I told him it was because I overlook the things that annoy me in him. He agreed that was probably true.

I needed the laughter. When he left he told me that we needed to talk more often. I agreed. Good friends are hard to find and when you do, you shouldn't forget to keep in touch. Having people come here to spend an evening talking and laughing does more for me than any pill. I feel better when they leave.

Tomorrow night is the writers meeting. I don't know how that will go. I hope it will be good. I'm sure it will. I like my writing friends. I'll tell you how it goes.

Now, bed. I'm tired. Stomach still doesn't feel good and I wasn't much for eating today. I had salad at McDonald's. I couldn't finish it. It just didn't taste that good to me.

Hope you all have a good evening.

Wednesday Winds Down

I'm getting ready to close shop for the evening. Twenty-five minutes to go. My friend from Michigan, Ron, is in town and is supposed to stop by to visit. We talked about going out but I asked him to come over and watch leaves fall. As long as I have coffee, he said he'd be fine with that.

I'm tired. Very tired and I just don't feel like sitting in a restaurant eating food that I don't feel like eating. I've not felt well for two or three days. Actually, last night and this morning I felt sick on my stomach. I don't know why. I thought when I got up I was going to be sick. I got better but lunch, a salad at McDonalds, was not good at all. I have no desire for supper. So, I'll fix a pot of coffee and we can sit and chat.

I do not know if I'll be back on today. Probably not. Once my guest leaves I'm going to bed.

I did hear today that my brother should be here Monday to work on the house. Hope so! I want to get it done.

Hope you all have a good evening.

What Day Will It Be?

Will it be another Monday? Or will it take on it's own identity? I'm undecided.

At the moment, I didn't have a good morning wake up. My upper back was hurting and my knees. I'm cold and I really wanted to sleep in for about another hour. The central unit has been off since Sunday. The temp inside is 70. That has become too cool for me since Jerry died. Not sure why but I was always was cold-natured anyway and bundled up in the evenings. Seems worse now is all. I'll be breaking out the electric blanket soon I suspect. I could wrap up but the weight of the blankets hurts my knees and feet. But I do love to snuggle under lots of blankets.

I'm finishing up my breakfast while I do this post and then headed to work. It dawned on me that I have to feed my brother while he is here so I need to sit down and come up with a couple of ideas. I don't cook anymore, remember? So, I suspect I'll be cooking these casserole meals that go a long way. Must remember to invest in disposable plates, utensils and cups.

I lay in bed last night and did nothing but watch Perry Mason shows on Hulu. I still love the show. And I listened to an old Abbott and Costello radio show. They are still funny. I wonder if the ever imagined they would be funny 70 years later?

I have nothing else to say.

Things I'm Looking For

This blog started out as one thing and morphed. No idea where it is going but let's see.

I'm looking for a good sleep. I'm here, tucked up in my bed... well, on my bed. I have decided to call it quits for today. I'm glad the day is done and that I don't have to face Monday for another week.

I'm looking for a good idea to blog about. I'm not sure I have a real blog in me tonight. I need to go over and start plotting my nano idea but I am not quite ready. I usually like an idea to simmer a bit before I try and put it on the page. If it is any good it will hang around and expand. If it isn't it fades.

I also am looking at ways to generate the drive to write. Haven't found it yet. Must look under the bed.... whoa, maybe not a good idea. Never seen those before... wonder ... hmmmm.

I'm looking for a million dollars. I didn't lose it. I'm just hoping to find it.

I'm looking for other things to do after work that will take me out of this house for a short time in the evenings. I don't want to join the Y again. I don't actually like it.

I'm looking for something to make my hair grow. Since Jerry died, I've lost about 50% of my hair. What little is growing back is white. I don't mind white. It's just a lack of color, pretty much reflects my state of mind and life.

Did you know that stress and aging causes the body to produce an excess of amount hydrogen peroxide in the scalp and this in turn causes hair to turn white. It bleaches it. Stop the production of peroxide and you stop your hair turning white. Simple. I suppose I'm looking for a way to stop the HP production. At the current rate, I expect to be totally white in two years . . if I have any hair left.

I'm looking for ways to cut utility cost. I want OFF the grid! B@$#@^&! I hate Vectren.

I'm looking for way to get the repairs done very cheap.

I'm looking for a tall, dark haired man with dark blue eyes. He used to live here.

Barack Obama: the Great Unravelling of a One-Term President? - Telegraph

Link

Finally, some optimistic news! From the foreign press, no less!

I always get annoyed by the American press. Seems they feel they MUST make our current leaders look good, even if it means covering things up or blaming the previous leaders. LOL, that is not the case in the foreign press. The delight in pointing out our warts. And we should want that in our country. Warts are contagious. They multiply exponentially.

One term? Dear God, from their lips to your ear!

You don't have to write and tell me how much you love our current president and how wonderful he is. I can read that in OUR press. Although, a 42% approval rating would indicate that our press is sadly misinformed.

What I found most telling is the comments. People are pretty much the same the world over. Spite, bitterness, racism, nationalism, ignorance of other cultures ... only the locations change. One comment makes it appear that all blacks are carrying guns and knives and involved in violence. This could not be further from the truth! There are many productive and law-abiding blacks, just as there are some whites involved in gun carrying gangs. Of course we have a growing population of illegal aliens from Mexico in gangs and with that lovely Nafta crap they just drive in on big trucks loaded with the stuff.

Ok, don't get me started on that. I'll be getting mail. Anyway, found it refreshing that someone else doesn't like our administration. All I can say is someone better come up with a super candidate soon. We may have to elect an out of work CEO. There are a lot of them since jobs went east, west, and south.

The Correct Answer

Regarding my post about the error in the article about Native American event here in my town.
Here is the original excerpt.

"We've got people on sight giving on sight demonstrations about native animals, food and gardening, spear throwing, teaching them all about the culture, first hand."

Here is the answer.

"We've got people on site giving on-site demonstrations about native animals, food and gardening, spear throwing, teaching them all about the culture, first hand."

The word sight refers to vision. the word site is a location.

Here is the link to the article if you want to read about the event. It was poorly covered as far as I'm concerned. This is an event with 10,000 in attendance in two days? http://www.14wfie.com/Global/story.asp?S=13219906

Oh My! It's Back!

Monday, I mean. I'm about to leave for work in a few minutes. Got to brush my teeth and take my medicine. Pain levels are manageable at the moment. My leg is not hurting much especially. It was acting up most of the day yesterday. I do still seem to have either a cold or allergy. Hanging on this long I'm thinking allergy but what do I know.

It is 55 degrees! I believe the sun is shinning but I got up first this morning, so he's lazy.

I hate this time of year where it gets dark earlier and stays dark longer. Daylight savings time doesn't do a think for the winter or summer. You can't make a day longer or shorter. It does it all by itself.

I'm dreading the cold months for what it will cost to stay warm. I really hate it. Someone suggested a fireplace insert. I don't have a fire place and I doubt I could do the wood chopping anymore. I did a load of that as a teenager. We had a wood stove back when I was between 11 and 15. I cut wood a lot, with an axe.

Now, I'm at the mercy of the utility company. We are higher than any place I've checked and there is no alternative. It is really horrible. And so many will have trouble keeping their power on when these bandits jack up the rates again. They do it about ever six months.

O.k. off to the mine to shovel. Please say a pray for me today. I get very depressed on Monday's. I don't know why but going to work is very difficult. Hope you all have a great Monday.

What's Wrong with This?

Here is a quote from an article from my local t.v. station. There is something wrong with it. Post your answers below.

Educational Program Assistant Corbe Ashby says, "We've got people on sight giving on sight demonstrations about native animals, food and gardening, spear throwing, teaching them all about the culture, first hand."

Excitement Builds

   NaNoWriMo is coming! Five weeks and one day or 36 days. Already I'm getting the emails in my inbox. The excitement will only build from here. And wonder of wonders, I have an idea already! I dreamed it last night. Well, I dreamed and when I woke up I knew it would make a great plot for NaNo. I'm going to do some serious plotting in October, I hope, I hope. Already I have some idea to do an outline in my yWriter.

So, you NaNoWriMo friends, start your engines! Pick up your pens, laptops, or get thee to a terminal. It's coming.

(I wanted to use the Jaws sound track here but don't think I can from email postings.)

Liberating the Trash

I can't believe how much junk we accumulate and how many tools! I mean, I must have found a few dozen drill bits. I think what would happen is he'd buy them and once used he'd lie them down in a box and then couldn't find them in that mess out there. He'd buy another set. I found a brand new set, unopened! But where's my drill? I think Dave may have it. I hope so.

We hauled out several items that were remodel related but that I do not think will be usable. And I really just want the mess gone. I still have some wood in the back but I'm waiting because if scraps are needed there are there. There is also some molding that we used in the den for the trim and I will need matching stuff to finish it. But the rest? We'll see but I suspect in the spring I'll finally be shut of it all.

Mike took the new weed trimmer, which is not a very good one to me, and did some of the trim around the yard. And he hauled the old fence poles from the top of the old chain link fence to the street. A guy just stopped and said he wanted them. Fine by me. One man's junk...

O.k, got to go give the boy a haircut. He's been patient and long suffering... for a while to hear him moan about it. I may be back later.

It feels good to throw things away. I'm not sure why.

Beautiful Saturday

I'm on my way out to have lunch with Mike. I just finished doing two months of bank statements. Thank goodness I'm so anal about keeping track of my spending. I'd have probably been in a mess. LOL, but I only had a few items I had failed to enter. The fudge from my disastrous attempt at a solo holiday. A couple of small payments I'd made via phone also were missing. I hate doing those kind of payments for that reason. If I'm not where I can make a not and put it on the desk, I forget it.

Anyway, Mike and I are headed out and he will come help me clear the garage again. I hope to get a lot of stuff disposed of this weekend. I'm going to get rid of stuff in the house too, I think. I have tons of books I think I probably should get rid of. I never touch them anymore and they are just taking up space. That's foolish but it is very hard for me to get rid of books.

The day seem lovely and at noon it is 73F. That's awesome! Back later to fill you in.

The Knobe Effect | Futility Closet

Link

People vote based on such skewed logic.

When Garden Gnomes Attack

Link

I'm probably going to look for this. Be sure and view the video on this page. LOL!

Einstein's theory of relativity works on a human scale: the higher you are, the faster you age - Telegraph

Link

I'm fascinated by such stories. Perhaps this is why those beach bums seem eternally young?

It Friday in the state of Indiana!

I'm glad. As a result, I woke less dreadful. LOL, that is a state worse than depression.

Please pray for Sarah. I got a call last night she'd had to go to the hospital. She is in Kentucky with her mother visiting relatives. My caller was her other grandfather. He said she has a blockage in her intestines. I'm hoping he meant she was impacted. Dave called me later and repeated his words and said she had a UTI. I haven't talked to Becca so have no idea if that is correct. They gave her mother a scrip for antibiotics for the UTI and told her to give her apple juice for the other. So that sounds like constipation.

Anyway, pray for her please. You all know I worry myself sick over her.

I'm stiff this morning and achy. I had a headache all afternoon yesterday and last night. Went right to sleep when I turned the lights out at about 10:45 so I should be rested.I'm not exhausted but one never knows. Just have a pain in my neck, knees hurt a bit, hip is painful. My feet bothered me a bit when I got up but are a bit better. My lower back is just awful. I know it is from sitting all afternoon in that training but I can't help it.

No, I'm off to the mines to dig the endless hole from which there are no gold nuggets or diamonds.

Kopi Returns!

To my NaNo friends of the Smoking Pen forum: Kopi popped in and is alive, although not exactly well. But she's back!

Writing for Dollars

I actually have a book called that. They made about $15 off me.

For my writing friends.. a friend sent me this link. I share it freely. Go ye and do likewise.

Newsweek - Who Needs a Publisher

Incidentially, the guy who was selling 4000 of his books a month? If he was charging $2.99 each he was making $11,960 a month!

Let's get writing, ladies!

MIddle of . . . .

That implies that something is halfway. That's be a nice thought if the something is unpleasant. My faith is strained these days and so I doubt that anything is at the halfway point. And some things you would probably not want to be halfway done.

I got up when the clock went off at 6:30. Back hurts but not miserably so. Knees are minor. Neck... maybe that's minor, too.

I've discovered several seeming truths. Everything hurts all the time at varying degrees. Also, sometimes pain in my heart and mind hurt far worse than any physical pain I could have. There is a correlation between that pain and the other pain and sleep. This is a thing I can't fix apparently.

I am trying to get my sleep back on track because for some reason it got out of sync again. I don't know how. Probably didn't sleep well at some point and I didn't realize it for what it was and let it go too long. Could have been when I was having the panic attacks and had several sleepless nights. Months ago I was doing pretty good and felt fairly well most days, with bouts of severe pain.

I think, and think is the operative word here, I think my brother(s) is(are) coming up to remodel my bathroom. He does brilliant work. And I could pay him to do it and I don't think he'd charge me what these yahoos are wanting for it. If I can cut corners somewhere and still get the quality material and workmanship that'd be really good. My brother, the second boy, is a brilliant builder. His work is beautiful. I've never been able to get him to come up but it is a long way. So, pray about this for me.

It is a gloomy day. I see sunlight but not very bright. It is getting up later than I am these days. And going to bed earlier. Winter is crouching at the door. I dread the utility bills. They are already raised again. I do not see how this company can do this every six months. People will be homeless because of it. It is simply criminal. My bill this past month was $160. I'm not home 8 hrs a day. I keep the temp when I am home on 76-77. It is on 80 when I'm not here. No light run but those in my room. I don't watch television except on the computer. I take one bath a day of about 15 minutes. I don't cook.

I'm going now to get breakfast and go to work. Today is move briefing and thankfully, I don't have to do it. Someone else is but I have to set up the equipment. Overhead projector, computer, and screen.

Midday Mood Meter

I started this in the middle of the day and have taken most of the afternoon, during breaks, to finish it. Can't say it is worth reading.

Had Chinese for lunch with Carolyn. We go to lunch practically everyday. We seldom go with anyone else. Are we snobs? I don't think so. It just played out this way over time. We're both the outspoken, "it is what it is" types. And we don't actually like a lot of drama in our work. So, we tend to do lunch.

Also, she lost her 30 yr old son in September '08 and Jerry died in January '09 so we've been company for one another during a difficult time. But we were friends before that.

I'm back at work now and wishing I could go home. I have problems coming out my ears and I don't want to deal with them. I've been reading the news about the "economic recovery" and how most of the people having problems with employment are the 50+ group. Sounds suspiciously like age discrimination to me. We're the most reliable when it comes to attendance and loyalty to the job and we're stable. But we're not employable? I hope they all know that everyone becomes 50 at some point? Needless to say, I'm not encouraged by this news. And it only breeds fear in an already fearful time. The economy is not better unless you're the president and congress and living on the high side of life. Those in the trenches are scratching and clawing to make it through the next utility bill. My utility bill was ridiculous. I'm not even home during the day and it wasn't appreciably lower than if I had been home. That's nuts. I shudder to think of winter.

I just wish money didn't matter so much. I was reading about Cuba this weekend and how broken their communist system is.They're trying new methods, still communist in nature but more along the lines of everyone trying to find ways to support themselves. It was laughable... raise rabbits to support your family. They want the benefits of capitalism without the freedom that requires. Communism didn't work but I have news for them. I suspect they've waited too late to come out into the market place. The arena for jobs and economic growth has moved out of this hemisphere.

I don't actually have anything to say and no news. I'm so bored with my life that it isn't even funny. Work, go home, shower, go to bed, try to read, try to write, watch t.v. go to sleep, get up and start over. No interaction with another human being. No companionable conversation, no shared jokes, no shared woes. I like solitude. I don't like isolation. There is nothing to do, no place I want to go. This is not life. I've said that before. It is not living. It is existence at the basic level.

There are not many days I can point to where I've been happy for a very long time and it is depressing when I think about how utterly miserable I sound on the blog. I don't WANT to sound this way. I don't want to BE this way. I can't for the life of me figure out how not to. I was thinking the other day that I should not post this stuff anymore but I'd be posting precious little if I stop! And sometimes it helps me to step back and look at it. Other times, I shake my head in annoyance at my own posts.

I feel as if I'm lost. I keep wandering down these corridors, checking doors and windows, only to find brick walls behind them. I back track and take the other hall only to find another dead end. I simply can't get out. It is frightening and frustrating all at the same time. Will I ever get out? Is there a way out? Sometimes I'd just like to sit down and not get up. I get tired of searching for something that probably doesn't exist. A door to the outside world. Sunlight.

Hopelessness. That's the word. Living without hope. But I must have some or I wouldn't keep shuffling along these hallways looking for a door. Maybe that's desperation. Feels like it.

It Is Only Tuesday!

Woke to terrible pain in my hips, both but mainly the right. Bursitis is really not getting better and I will need that shot. Means missing work.

Fibro is hanging around in the wings, not too bad but not gone. I'm finding that shoulder is probably a combo of Fibro and arthritis. Medicine applied to it helps overall pain in it a lot but when touched it still hurts. So, combo. I would like fries with that.

Overwhelming sadness when I got up. But then, I wasn't great after the lights went out. My grandmother said if you go to bed laughing, you will wake up crying. Well, I felt better when I got in bed but I certainly wasn't laughing when the lights went out. So, another cliche shot. What happens when you cry every night? Are you supposed to wake every morning laughing?

It is only Tuesday.

Afternoon Pickup

My friend and co-worker, Carolyn and I went to McDonald's for our break and had a sundae. We do this frequently during the week when things are getting stressful or we just want to get out of the building.

I am looking at 1 hr and 15 minutes till I can go home. I am going to have Mike come over and take some things to the street to dispose of them. I really want to just get ride of all the stuff in the garage I'm never going to use or need. So, since trash pick up is on the 27th, I am piling it on the street.

Doug emailed me. He is missing the writing group, too, and asked if we could meet next Thursday. He said even if the rest of the group didn't want to, he'd like to meet. I told him to go for it, that I'd be there. We are both annoyed at the way the rest of them have just sort of gone silent on the subject. No one is willing to work around any schedule but their own. I know we are all busy but several of us changed our schedules in the beginning to accommodate the schedules of member spouses. Now members want the same courtesy and it is a problem. I missed months of an exercise class I was paying for to accommodate someone a spouse twice a month so he could play poker on our original meeting night. I finally dropped that class when they wouldn't change the meeting to another night. But I'm not going to be so flexible anymore. I'm one of those people who thinks you should have a day and stick to it. Schedule it on your calendar and if you can't make it now and then, just say so.

So, if all goes well, Doug and I and hopefully, some of the others will meet next Thursday. I really need that kind of fellowship. Doug mentioned looking for new members and I'm all for that as well. I'll do what I did before. Just pray for some nice, like minded folks. I do feel that the five of us were brought together and I still like them. Just annoys me when people become inconsiderate.

Ok, nuff of that peevish rant. I've got to get back to work. Still "miles to go".

The Down Side

I'm tired. There are no words to adequately express it so I'll just say I'm tired. I feel as if I could just lie down forever and not move. I lay on the sofa from around 10 a.m. until I went to bed at around 6 p.m yesterday. Then, lay on the bed until nearly 11. All I did was watch t.v. on the computer. Nothing more, nothing less. I didn't nap because what I felt was not sleepiness. I was simply exhausted, too tired to sleep. And the emotional roller coaster simply made it worse.

Mentally, I'm somewhat functional but if opportunity arose, I might be able to nap today. But alas, one must continue shoveling in the mine. My pain is relative. I had back pain when I woke. Muscle pain, too. But they pale in comparison to the tiredness. I was late getting up this morning, too. I simply shut off the clock and didn't realize it for  45 minutes.

I promised myself I was going to try and stop focusing on all the negative stuff. I want out of the cursed tomb I seem to be trapped in. I keep digging but it seems as if I'm simply making it deeper and the weight is getting heavier. If I'm not able to even go away for a weekend without becoming a mass of used up flesh, I don't know how I'll manage. I can't be sick even one day for the rest of the year. Not one. I have nothing to use and I really don't want to spend my vacation time on this. I have three vacation days off in December. There are three freebies in November and three freebies in December. October 28 is my birthday and I get that off and I'm taking one day on the 29 because I'm keeping Sarah that weekend and having my aunt and uncle here for my birthday and my sister, Phyllis' birthday. They are a week apart and they always celebrate with us. So, sickness is not an option.

I really would like to have days where I wake feeling good again. Or at least no in so much pain or so tired. To wake up and have a day where I can do something that is productive. To be able to go places and laugh and go home with a good feeling about it. I can remember that. It was a long time ago but I do remember it.

Return

I returned home this morning around 10 a.m.

Saturday morning we had breakfast at the La Quinta Inn on Preston Bridge Hwy, in Louisville. I highly recommend this hotel if you are in the area. It was spotlessly clean, the rooms were beautiful and spacious, and the staff were just so friendly. If I have to go back over there, that's where I'll stay. They serve a buffet breakfast with things like eggs, biscuit and sausage gravy, juice, coffee, you can make Belgian waffles in about 2 minutes, fruit, pastries, milk, cereal. Really a nice set up.

We sat around in the morning sitting by the pool just reading, chatting and relaxing. It was cool so I didn't go in but just enjoyed the sunshine. The day was beautiful. We went to lunch at Chilli's where I had Chicken Crispers with french fries and corn on the cob. I've had this here in Evansville at Chilli's so I knew it was good. I followed that with the chocolate brownie topped with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce. Yummy. I was stuffed.

We went back to the hotel and they rested. I went down to the pool with my book. I swam a few laps, read a bit and warmed up, swam again, read some more, swam again and read some more. At four I went upstairs to dry my hair and get ready for the concert at 6. We left at 5 on a shuttle the hotel provides.

I spent the next six hours sitting and listening to quartets sing.  The music was very good but sitting so long was not very fun. I did get up a few times and go out so that helped. Unfortunately, there were many moment when I was miserable. I didn't expect that. Several groups sang songs that Jerry, my sister Phyllis, and I used to sing together. No, we weren't professionals. I sang in church growing up. When I married, Jerry sang with me. Then my sister moved close by and she joined us. People liked it and would ask us to sing. I don't think I was that good but they were both very good singers. Jerry was a tenor and Phyllis an alto who could also sing harmony. I tend to be a soprano but not the upper soprano. I have a mediocre voice but I love to sing. They made me sound better. Although, there are people who still ask me to sing. So, it must not be terrible.

Anyway, I was stressed the first two hours. Jerry and I had gone to this convention once, seven years ago. We were given the tickets because my aunt and uncle couldn't go and had already paid for them. We spent the weekend in Louisville and we really enjoyed it. That weekend kept roaring through my head. Once I saw a man standing in shadow several sections away. I had to look again because the stance was familiar. It was distressing. I was exhausted by the time it was over. We caught the shuttle back and were at the hotel by 11 I think. It was only about a 15 minute ride from our hotel to the convention center.

It is apparent that everything I do and every place I go is going to be unpleasant if it is something we did together or something I know he would have loved to do. I keep saying it will get better but I can't figure out how. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't shut off the memories once they start. I am at a point I don't really want to go anywhere and leaving on any trip is horrible. I got off Friday and once home I didn't want to leave. It was terrible trying to get out of the house and into the car on on the road. I cried for the first 50 miles. Struggled to stay focused the next 50 and thankfully that is the length of the trip.

I did enjoy visiting with my family. They are always fun to be around. I had a ot of back and hip pain too but the actually swimming helped the back. I can see I'm not much good for anything but sitting in the sun, reading, swimming and talking. Today, I'm exhausted but the fibro does that to me anyway. I've spent a lot of effort to maintain a facade and it takes a toll. By midnight last night, it was cracking. 

Arrival

I made it to the hotel in Louisville without any problems around 5:30 p.m. eastern time. The new tires are awesome. What a smooth ride! No bouncing and vibration due to separated belts. If you have never had separated belts, you won't know what I mean.

As you can see we have internet. Not wifi but I happened to have a cable in my bag. They would have given us one to use but why bother going down stairs when I travel with one.

We went to Steak & Shake for supper and came back to the hotel. Spent most of the evening chatting, reading, watching t.v. and playing with the computers. All three of us are tired but their ride was far longer than my two hours. It took them around 6 or 7. So they are exhausted. Already asleep, too.

So, they've has turned in and I'm on my way. Just wanted update you all. Tomorrow, not sure what is in store. Be nice to hit the pool for an hour or so. I may get up and do that after breakfast. It opens at 10. Have a good Saturday.

As the governor of California once said, I'll be back.

A Good Sleep and A Sad Story

I'm so much better today. Still think I have the cold but I am feeling a lot more rested! I went straight home from work and took a hot shower, dressed in my pj's and went to bed. Not sleep, bed. I lay and read for a short time. I had Dave come over and take my car to have a low tire aired. They visited for a short time and Becca put that medicine on my back and trimmed an inch off my hair. I have no idea why I wanted her to do it but I've lost so much hair it is becoming very difficult to do anything with it. I think the medicine has helped some of the back pain. But my neck... I don't know if there is much hope for that.

After they left, I went straight back to bed. I made two videos playing with my webcam. It does a lot of stuff. I went to the software website and found some additional things to download and messed around with those. That gave me a bit of a lift to my mood. Then I watched a show on Hulu called Wire in the Blood. Another British television show that I really like but it is a bit to violent at times. I love the Tony Hill character. He's just really brilliant. One that show was over, I put out the light and went to sleep. I had taken my medicine while I was watching the show so by the time it was over I was sleepier. I'm going to try again to take it around 8 and go to bed earlier. This morning when the clock woke me I knew I probably needed a couple more hours sleep but work was imminent.

One thing I've figured out is that if I don't wake up on my own, I've not had enough sleep. Remember the weeks and weeks I was waking up at five and six in the morning? I was rested and going to bed at a civilized hour. I just needed to shift that time a bit but hadn't figured that out. You would think by this age I'd know how to sleep, when to sleep, and how much to sleep. I feel like I'm in a foreign country. But I've had sleep problems so long it has never occurred to me I could fix it in any way. I've tried everything. Only now am I learning what works. I take the melatonin faithfully. How am I going to get that into the country if I go to England? LOL, Jilly said you can't get it there or was it controlled? I may have to get a script for it. But it works for me really well. That and the skelaxin muscle relaxant help me sleep. I just have to GO TO BED!

I saw that Jilly did a video this morning. I love it when she does them. I like listening to her chat and watching her laugh at herself. I always leave smiling. I think it is a great thing when people walk away smiling.

As I mentioned before, I'm so tired of living in the dark. I know that the only way to do that is change the way I look at things.

Today I was remembering a woman I once knew. She was a good friend of my mother and her mother had been a dear friend of my grandmother and a member of our church. She was a party girl. I mean the kind who dances on the tables at the bar while blind drunk and a different man a week. Brenda was a mess. In her forties, she met a man, Nathan, at a rodeo, a really good Christian man. They married and she cleaned up to the point you would not have recognized her had you been a bar buddy. She became such a wonderful person, with this positive outlook and astounding faith. Her whole life simply flipped on its head. She stopped the bars and drinking and men. Nathan became a dad to her little girl. They went around doing all kinds of really good things for people, they bought land near her mother, farmed, built a house, became the finest people in the church. They had fall festivals with hay rides and a party for the church every year. Everyone loved them. She was one of the happiest women I've ever known. I was amazed at how her life had turned around. They had maybe 10 years together.

We were in the military and stationed somewhere when I got a call that Nathan was dead. A couple in the church that they had befriended had bought a trailer. Nathan was under it, leveling it. The trailer fell on him, killing him. Brenda and their friend had to dig him out. I visited her shortly after the funeral. She was struggling to hang on and stay positive, to keep her faith. I told a lady in the church that I was worried about her. Remember this woman is my mother's age but I just adored her and knew her fairly well. She was trying too hard to be positive rather than grieve. I left feeling so sad for her and very worried. I returned home.

Later I was told she had stopped going to church. She moved away from the farm and no one knew where she was. Then, a few years later, while at another duty station, I got another call. Brenda was dead. She had moved in with a guy who was abusive. He blew her brains out. The coroner reported that she was so drunk she wouldn't have known what planet she was on. I was so devastated. She had lived her life in such a mess and had changed it completely to become the lovely woman with such joy and energy. Nathan had saved her. Had given her hope. She had placed all her faith in Nathan. And when he was taken, she had nothing to stand on, nothing to prop her up. She lost the home they built. She lost her faith. She lost her life. I remember thinking back then that she had put her faith in the wrong thing. She confused love and gratitude for faith. They aren't the same. When the supports were removed, she fell.

Today, I understand Brenda even more. I realized some time ago that I had leaned on Jerry in similar ways. My life was not the mess Brenda's had been so my rescue was not as profound. But I had a man very like Nathan. In the last year, I've realized how very much is missing and standing on my own feet is nearly impossible. I relied heavily on him, even when I was doing more and more, he was still the support I leaned on. When things got bad, he was still there. Around the end of this last year I had an experience that showed me why some women do stupid things during grief. I understand now why what happened to Brenda can happen to any woman suffering the loss of their spouse. Why misplaced faith is a futile effort.

I get angry at times for what I've lost. For not seeing my mistakes. For not being a better wife, mother, human being. I have to look in the mirror and see myself and I have to face who I am. I suspect when Brenda looked in the mirror she couldn't face herself. She lost herself. She walked away from everything Nathan had given her. She had a home that was paid for, a church family who adored her, a daughter who needed her, a mother who was dying that had asked for prayer over and over and over.  She saw none of that. She has so wrapped herself in another person that she ceased to exist and all she believed in was that person. He became her god.

Faith was not meant to be put in people. If you live for another person, you will either fail them or they will fail you...perhaps not intentionally. One of you will not be here forever. I grieve for Brenda even now. I grieve two wonderful lives lost but most of all, I grieve because Brenda lost far more than her life. And I understand how it happened. I could so easily allow the depression to overwhelm me, the panic attacks to destroy what little life I have left. I could get several drugs to numb my pain, dull my senses, sedate my mind. I could stop going to church and stop praying because there are days I haven't been able to see or hear or feel God or that he cares.

Or I can keep going. I can continually reestablish my faith in the God of my grandmother, not looking to man or woman to complete me and give me strength or make me happy. He hasn't left me during all of the darkness. There were many dark nights when I felt as if I were in that grave with Jerry but I always felt a presence, as if someone were holding my hand. That has never left me. Most of the time, I feel I do not deserve that presence. But I choose to hang on for dear life to that hand.

How Tired Can You Get?

I'm not sure I have an answer to that but I'd say at this point, pretty tired. I feel as if I'll fall over any minute. I still have two hours to go. I'm going to have to go home and go straight to bed and I hate that. I like to relax a bit in the evenings when I get home but tonight, I'm headed for the sack. I just hope I can sleep.

I'm totally out of sick time so I can't miss a day or I'll eat up vacation days. From now to January I don't want to be sick anymore. I would have 45 hours of sick time by Dec. 31 if I don't have to be out for any reason. {sigh}

Ugh, Bug

I'm decidedly under the weather. I think I have a cold and I'm terribly depressed on top of it. I had lots of pain yesterday and that is better today. I called Dave and Becca over for pizza last night, although I was exhausted. I needed the company.

As you recall Sunday night I'd had that near panic event, sounds much less violent than attack, and was up until nearly 3 a.m. and my pain was pretty bad the next morning when I got up. I stayed home but my doctor's office was closed yesterday so I didn't get a shot. I didn't go to bed as early as I should have last night but I was truly feeling miserable by bedtime. I was so tired I could not relax. And my neck is really hurting. Pain in other places is less this morning but I had Becca put some of the medicine I have for joint pain on my back, along my spine, to see if it helped. I think it did with some of it. I do have a headache now and feel very tired but I actually think I have a cold. My nose has been stuffy for days.

I'm really rather tired of all these aches and pains. And I'm tired of the blue feeling that is constantly with me. I don't think this is depression exactly but maybe it is. I am in the midst of a foggy period but I again think this is a sleep issue. I am sorely overdue for a real vacation where I leave my troubles behind. And I don't have my car die.

I am going out of town on Friday to spend the weekend in Louisville with my aunt and uncle who are attending a quartet convention. It is a short drive so it won't be too tiring and maybe the weather will be perfect so I can find a nice place to sit in the sun. I noticed since the weather and mosquitoes have been so crappy and kept me inside that I don't feel as well. Maybe I should spend the money on one of those mood lights. The evenings have been pleasant but the mosquitoes are absolutely horrendous if you go outside. I don't know what to do but they are bad.

Work is no so backlogged so I'm not buried at the moment and that's good. I just hate getting some things I processed back so frequently. I'm making far too many mistakes. And I thought I was checking carefully.

Must go now and get to working the mine. I hope you day is off to a better start than mine. There is a Midwest Writer's meeting tonight but I don't know if I'll go or not. I'm longing for bed time.

Typical Monday Following A Lovely Weekend

For me anyway. I had a mild panic attack last night and had to call Becca at midnight to talk to me. I listened to her until 3 a.m. I'm exhausted but the attack passed off for the most part. LOL, yes, she can talk that much and I don't know what I'd do without her. I want to smack her sometimes but she's a good daughter despite that. I love her.

I woke with pain in my neck, back, hip and knees! The hip is bursitis. I felt like an old lady. But I actually had a fairly good weekend despite knees that hated me. Sarah came on Friday night and I took her home after church last night. She was just a doll baby and we had the most fun all weekend. I was exhausted but had one of the happiest weekends in a while. I had one moment where I broke down. I was cleaning and picked up our family Bible and sat down to see what I had entered in it. I found Jerry's baptismal certificate where he was baptized when he came back from Italy. Sarah wanted to know what was wrong but I tried to refocus on something else... cleaning proceeded.

Sarah had no problem until bedtime Friday and Saturday night. Then, she whimpered a short time. She is a TERRIBLE sleeper. That child is all over the place. So my sleep probably wasn't the best. She's afraid of the dark and I have to leave a light on in the next room, too. But it worked itself out and I was so thrilled she stayed I didn't care about the light... or the small foot that seemed to find my ribs no matter which way I turned.

On Saturday night, her mother stopped by with clothes for her for church Sunday morning. Sarah acted as if she had not seen them in years but when offered the chance to go home she declined. However, at bedtime, you would not believe the garbage she came up with. She sobbed huge sobs with tears. "I miss my mama. I never get to spend any time with her. I love her so much. I didn't even get to kiss her or give her a hug." All of which was a blatant lie. I watched amazed and she did this for several minutes until I said, "You need to stop that crap, that's a bunch of garbage." The little stink started giggling and laughing so hard! I couldn't believe it. Then, she started it again, sobbing and with tears. I told her again it was garbage and to stop and she giggled again. We did this for about three times before she just stopped and settled down. What a drama queen! We have to nip that in the bud!

We had a grand time all weekend. We watched movies, played with the doll house, read stories, and went shopping. I bought her a memory game which she loved. So we are now getting to the game phase. I'm glad. Getting down to play dolls is hard work for those knees.

I am home today because I couldn't hardly walk and the panic attack left me emotionally wobbly. I'm going to call my doctor to see about a shot for my hip. I don't think they can do more for my joints than they are doing so I'll have to deal with that differently.

I hope you all have a great start to the week. I hope that I can have more weekends like this with less stress. I'm really tired of living in the dark all the time. I would like for life to be a little fun again. We did have some good times. I just keep missing them so much and I don't have any way to fix it. I'm still planning to take my vacation next year to see my friends in England. And I probably ought to start thinking about when and how long. I'm saving vacations days as much as I can. It will break my bank probably but this is something I am doing for me and maybe a little for Jerry. He would have loved to go with me.

I haven't been able to be outside much these last few weeks because the "mossie's" as Jilly refers to them have been horrendous. I came in one afternoon, after standing in the yard talking to someone for about 30 minutes, with dozens of bites. I counted over 25. I didn't realize I was getting bitten! I was scared to death I'd have a reaction to them like Jilly had or worse. We have had some cases in the past of West Nile virus here. I get terrified of the bites when I hear that.

So, I'm going now to call the doctor about the shot. I hate the shot. It hurts like the dickens but if it works, it will help me. Or I may call the pain management doctor. I've also had sciatica in my back for a couple of weeks. It is unusual because it is on the right side rather than the left but I think I'm walking out of alignment because of the hip pain and that is aggravating other things. Oh well, I had so much good over the weekend, I'm not going to allow other things to take that away.

All of you, again, have a great week!