Voluntary Prison

I am home from church and sitting on the sofa in my pj's. It is a of and on sunny day and the temp has risen to 58 degrees. I thought about going to Kohl's and look for a new shirt. I considered putting on street clothes and walking shoes and going to the cemetery and walking. It is a nice cemetery and people often use it to walk. The paths are paved and there is a variety of hills, levels and curves in the narrow roads throughout the grounds. You could easily walk more than two miles. I followed neither urge. My hip has become nearly unbearable when I walk.

On the way home today I had two realizations. One, dreams do not come true. It is a lie... not a myth. A lie. Two, I realized that I really no longer want to leave my house. I do not like getting in the car and leaving the yard. I cry when I leave and cry when I come home. I cry at the thought of going out of the house every morning to my job. I cry when I get up. I cry when I go to bed. I manage to get through my work day without falling apart but I'm so tired when it is over. I just want to go home and not come out again.

I don't like going out and seeing how very empty the rest of the world is and how pointless it is. I didn't like shopping before, now I detest stores. At least, I can sit outside here if the weather is nice but it is too cold for me today and will probably remain so for six months. So I'll stay in my voluntary prison. It will be a fairly nice prison once all the repairs are completed.

I don't think as much when I'm here. I watch a lot of old t.v. shows and lie around. I'm so tired most of the time I can't do much more than that anyway. Half a day of cleaning house and I'm done for on any given day. Right now I feel exhausted and I'm still not done with getting things ready for house guests. I have felt this way for a few days now. But when I go to bed, I don't rest. There is no position in the bed that doesn't hurt and so my sleep is never very good.

I'm tired. I already said that but it is true.