Vacation ended with a thud. No, I didn't have barrels of fun. I enjoyed the canoe trip. I enjoyed seeing members of my family, including a new great niece and nephew. I visited Jerry's brother and sister on the way home.
It was nice to see them but Jerry's brother was so like him that it was a dagger to the heart. I thought I was going to die. I fell apart, embarrassingly so, and I've felt out of sync ever since Thursday, as if I've been thrown back in time. For two hours afterward I was simply unable to stand up and went to bed at the hotel, leaving Mike outside. Even today I'm barely able to function and I've had a migraine since Saturday.
Jerry's niece came home with us and is staying for a bit with Becca and Dave. I invited Becca and Kim to lunch yesterday because I thought it might make me feel better. I was going insane alone here in the house. Becca invited me to lunch today but called later and said she and Sarah would go to church this morning with me instead because she and Dave were fighting about something and so she couldn't invite me over today for lunch after all.
So, for the most part, I've spent yet another Mother's Day alone. Only Mike went to church with me and I took us to lunch. He's in the house but you'd never know it for the most part. He means well but conversations require concentration unless it is about t.v. or movies, we don't really talk a lot. The church did present a rose to every mother so I got a flower. No wake up smiles, no calls, no gifts, no cards, and oh... my youngest called late (probably after he got out of bed around 2 p.m.) to say he "didn't get the memo that today was Mother's Day and Happy Mother's Day." Odd, since his FB wall mentioned it yesterday. I'm a bit lower on the scale of importance than FB. There are people who think they have been in contact with me just because they do graffiti on virtual walls. You haven't.
I've learned since Jerry died that my worth for some is measured solely in dollars and cents...mine and how generous I am with it.
I go back to work tomorrow. To the real world, or at least what passes as real for me. Where people honestly don't care about me.
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. . .you cry on yours when it happens to you.
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Fading Lights
I got word that a friend of ours from 1978 died last week of pancreatic cancer. I haven't seen Mark in over 30 years but this news upset me terribly. He was a GI who our pastor had met while canvassing at a rock concert. He was converted and I never met a more charming and warm person. Mark always had a smile and when he talked to you he looked directly into your eyes. He sometimes preached and he was so good. He meant everything he said and he always said good things. There was such a sincerity in Mark Gonzales. Over the years we wondered about him and his wife Terri. Where were they? What happened to them?
As soon as I heard the news I immediately thought, "I have to tell Jerry. He'll be so upset." And of course, that is impossible. Because Jerry is dead, too.
And so went the evening. I came home and simply became something else. Less than human, really. I didn't know what I was crying for and all I could really think about was how much darker the world becomes when the bright lights are turned off and how so many of the lights in my life had gone out. Too soon.
In 1978-79 we all lived in a place called King's Kastle, a church, christian school, and, lol, nearly a commune. It was a big old house in Frankfurt, three floors and a huge basement with a wine cellar that was turned into another living area. Communal kitchen on the first floor but some of us had small electric burners in our rooms. I actually had a tiny two burner, bread-boxed sized stove! Our room was probably 20x12. Every room on second, third and basement floors were living areas for tenants. The pastor and his wife, a bit more than mine and Jerry's age, lived on the second floor. School and church were on the first floor.
Jerry and I lived on the third floor and I was pregnant with Mike. It is here we met Mark, and a dozen others we came to feel were family. Soldiers, some with their families, far from home who found a warm place. We had church together, potlucks, ball games, parties, and even shopping trips. We had our own spaces, but we shared our lives. I've never had such a wonderful experience as living in that place.
Today I remembered it. And wished for it again.
As soon as I heard the news I immediately thought, "I have to tell Jerry. He'll be so upset." And of course, that is impossible. Because Jerry is dead, too.
And so went the evening. I came home and simply became something else. Less than human, really. I didn't know what I was crying for and all I could really think about was how much darker the world becomes when the bright lights are turned off and how so many of the lights in my life had gone out. Too soon.
In 1978-79 we all lived in a place called King's Kastle, a church, christian school, and, lol, nearly a commune. It was a big old house in Frankfurt, three floors and a huge basement with a wine cellar that was turned into another living area. Communal kitchen on the first floor but some of us had small electric burners in our rooms. I actually had a tiny two burner, bread-boxed sized stove! Our room was probably 20x12. Every room on second, third and basement floors were living areas for tenants. The pastor and his wife, a bit more than mine and Jerry's age, lived on the second floor. School and church were on the first floor.
Jerry and I lived on the third floor and I was pregnant with Mike. It is here we met Mark, and a dozen others we came to feel were family. Soldiers, some with their families, far from home who found a warm place. We had church together, potlucks, ball games, parties, and even shopping trips. We had our own spaces, but we shared our lives. I've never had such a wonderful experience as living in that place.
Today I remembered it. And wished for it again.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Not Interesting Enough
Not Interesting Enough
I am a widow, as my regular readers know, since January 2009. My blog for the last three years has dealt with that journey. I've talked about the difficulties of facing the death of a spouse and the adjustments widows must make alone. I've also talked about how society sees and treats us. For those still in denial about my view on it, here is a very good example. The above link is to another Blogger site, Widows Speak, that I subscribe to and it sums up the world view of a widow pretty well.
I have to say here that after I read this I was so angry that had the man in question been within two feet I'd have beat him to a bloody pulp. He is the stupidest of the stupid, the dumbest of the dumb. Anyone who has this kind of mentality should not be making television shows. I'm being nice here. Really, really, r-e-a-l-l-y nice.
But read for yourself.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Be Not Dismayed
My daily Bible verse was like a gentle hand tapping me on my shoulder to tell me to remember the Friday, March 2nd post. I wasn't having a good day, in fact a good portion of the week was painful. Yesterday I got out a bit and did some shopping. It was cold but a beautiful sunny day. My spirits were lifted, even if the pain was not.
But today I woke with pain all over and depressed. I didn't go to church but lay in bed longer than usual. I was tired and just ached. When I did get up I checked my email and found the verse.
Joshua 1:9 "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."
I don't know why it was such a comfort but it was. I am more depressed when I am in pain. When that happens my mind is a traitor because it replays images I'd like to never see again, sound bites that simply tear at me.
It is at such times that the tap on the shoulder is most needed. He reminded me today that He knows where I'm going.
Wow.
But today I woke with pain all over and depressed. I didn't go to church but lay in bed longer than usual. I was tired and just ached. When I did get up I checked my email and found the verse.
Joshua 1:9 "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."
I don't know why it was such a comfort but it was. I am more depressed when I am in pain. When that happens my mind is a traitor because it replays images I'd like to never see again, sound bites that simply tear at me.
It is at such times that the tap on the shoulder is most needed. He reminded me today that He knows where I'm going.
Wow.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Transitions
I've had a strange month, I think. It is one of those times when life seems to be transitioning in some intangible way. As the word implies, I can't put my finger on it. I've had a lot more pain lately and I have been more tired than I was for a while. Frankly, I think the pain is the reason I tired easily. It wears on you.
No, this is something else. Something akin to waking up in the morning and not knowing for a minute where you are or what time it is. I'm restless but not so much in a bad way. No, it is just annoying because it is so vague. For me, as a writer, it is even more frustrating because I can't put a name to it.
So I go with the flow and I keep looking for whatever it is.
I'm thinking I need to get away for a bit. I keep making plans that fall through just when I think they'll work this time. I've actually thought of calling a travel agent to see if it will help me. I have never had a situation where I could not plan a trip. Never. Military wives have to be ready to up and move whenever. You usually get a couple of months of warning but you have to be ready to relocate a whole house of items, children, yourself and your spouse, find a new house, arrange utilities, contact schools, and get everything put away as quickly as possible. You have to be organized. Life ceased to be organized for me three years ago.
I've made attempts to restructure and reorganize things with some success but there are still places in my life where chaos reigns. Getting things done at home is one. I still have the gas company coming on Wednesday sometime to change out the meter. If I haven't explained that here, I won't go into it but let's say it has been a real pain.
Vacations are probably the biggest issue for me. I always loved it when we could get away for a bit and do something fun. I still want that but it isn't much fun and planning it is nearly beyond me. That makes no sense at all to me. I've moved hundreds of times. Yes, really. I've done two overseas moves, and five interstate moves. That is not counting all the moves within the cities where I lived. Planning a two week vacation should not be an obstacle. Planning a one week vacation shouldn't either. But it is so hard.
My plan last year to go to England was crushed by an auto accident. Financially, I'm still a bit strapped but I was going to take the plunge this year. Then they started going on about the layoffs. My inclination was go anyway. It still is. But my logical, prudent side says wait to see who is gets laid off. It makes sense. If it isn't me I'll have a better financial standing. If it is, well, I'm going to need all the extra cash I can get. So, that plan is on hold for a bit. Not eliminated, just on hold. I figure things happen in their time.
However, I can't keep going without a break. I need a vacation. I need a week in the sun where it is warm and the air smells of salt. So, my plan is to take a week but I really would like to know where I stand job wise before I do that. All this requires patience and that is the one virtue that I've been eternally short of.
Other things are changing as well. I'm excited by some changes. Such as the group of girls I've met through NaNo who have become writing buddies. We've been meeting online as a group to talk writing. We've done this twice using the G+ Hangout feature. It was really great to "meet" these women and to talk about something I love. As my other writing group is going through some changes and becoming less focused on writing, I am finding the online group a welcome addition.
The obvious transitions are challenging but it is still this underlying feeling of things changing and morphing into something I don't recognize where I seem to be having the the most difficulty. I get impatient with it but it isn't something I can rush. I'll just have to wait and see.
No, this is something else. Something akin to waking up in the morning and not knowing for a minute where you are or what time it is. I'm restless but not so much in a bad way. No, it is just annoying because it is so vague. For me, as a writer, it is even more frustrating because I can't put a name to it.
So I go with the flow and I keep looking for whatever it is.
I'm thinking I need to get away for a bit. I keep making plans that fall through just when I think they'll work this time. I've actually thought of calling a travel agent to see if it will help me. I have never had a situation where I could not plan a trip. Never. Military wives have to be ready to up and move whenever. You usually get a couple of months of warning but you have to be ready to relocate a whole house of items, children, yourself and your spouse, find a new house, arrange utilities, contact schools, and get everything put away as quickly as possible. You have to be organized. Life ceased to be organized for me three years ago.
I've made attempts to restructure and reorganize things with some success but there are still places in my life where chaos reigns. Getting things done at home is one. I still have the gas company coming on Wednesday sometime to change out the meter. If I haven't explained that here, I won't go into it but let's say it has been a real pain.
Vacations are probably the biggest issue for me. I always loved it when we could get away for a bit and do something fun. I still want that but it isn't much fun and planning it is nearly beyond me. That makes no sense at all to me. I've moved hundreds of times. Yes, really. I've done two overseas moves, and five interstate moves. That is not counting all the moves within the cities where I lived. Planning a two week vacation should not be an obstacle. Planning a one week vacation shouldn't either. But it is so hard.
My plan last year to go to England was crushed by an auto accident. Financially, I'm still a bit strapped but I was going to take the plunge this year. Then they started going on about the layoffs. My inclination was go anyway. It still is. But my logical, prudent side says wait to see who is gets laid off. It makes sense. If it isn't me I'll have a better financial standing. If it is, well, I'm going to need all the extra cash I can get. So, that plan is on hold for a bit. Not eliminated, just on hold. I figure things happen in their time.
However, I can't keep going without a break. I need a vacation. I need a week in the sun where it is warm and the air smells of salt. So, my plan is to take a week but I really would like to know where I stand job wise before I do that. All this requires patience and that is the one virtue that I've been eternally short of.
Other things are changing as well. I'm excited by some changes. Such as the group of girls I've met through NaNo who have become writing buddies. We've been meeting online as a group to talk writing. We've done this twice using the G+ Hangout feature. It was really great to "meet" these women and to talk about something I love. As my other writing group is going through some changes and becoming less focused on writing, I am finding the online group a welcome addition.
The obvious transitions are challenging but it is still this underlying feeling of things changing and morphing into something I don't recognize where I seem to be having the the most difficulty. I get impatient with it but it isn't something I can rush. I'll just have to wait and see.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Sundown
The days have grown longer but the sun is about 10 degrees from the horizon and streaming directly into my window. One hour and I can go home. It will go down completely by that time.
I'm not in a very good mood. I'm tired and I remembered that tomorrow is my anniversary or was our anniversary. It would have been the 38th. It is odd how even the thought of it is like this stabbing pain in my chest. I don't know when that will stop. If it will stop.
My plan is to go home and get a very hot bath and get comfortable. I have no idea what I'll eat. Nothing sounds remotely interesting.
The day has been rather boring. I've worked but slowly and with no enthusiasm. Just plodding along trying to make a bigger dent in the mess. Tomorrow is recertifications. I think we have 124 scheduled between 8:15 & 11:15. That's seven scheduled every hour. If things go as usual, about half won't bother to show up.
I'm going now. May be back later. May not.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Looking for Answers
I've been looking for sources, particularly weekly newsletters, for widows that are Christian based. Actually, there don't seem to be any. Why is that? Are we less important than a drug addict, an alcoholic, a paralyzed person? Do we have no need for spiritual encouragement? Is our situation of so little concern that it is considered a waste to provide such items? Are they so few of us that it is deemed low priority?
It astounds me to find that this appears to be a common problem. Go look at your favorite support website, whether Christian or not. Come back and tell me how many articles or newsletters you find there that deal with the death of a spouse or other loved one. This is begging the question but I'm willing to bet it is slim to none.
You can google "grief newsletters" and you will find lots of items on grief. But not a single one of the major Christian based sites such as Bible Gateway, Christianity Today and several others has anything remotely resembling these carried any newsletters or devotionals. I know because I looked.
The print industry has mass quantities of books on grief. But I can tell you quite honestly that during the first year and a half, reading is nearly impossible. You can't think. You can barely remember how to put a meal together. Focusing on novel length, self-help manuals is not possible for most people going through this. Planning a strategy to combat the horrible effects of grief are equivalent to scaling Mt Everest. You will eventually get to the summit but the road is through hell. Reading for content is not something most of us can do.
For some reason the items I found on Google that seemed helpful at first glance were in little known, under advertised, and obscure sites solely about grief. They come with many titles and in many guises, some barely related to the healing process. One was called "Creative Funeral Ideas" and the banner was . . . festive. I was totally put off by the flippant sound of that. Why would you need creative funeral ideas? How far in advance do you need to plan such an event? Funeral homes have funeral directors but this title alone would indicate that one would need something far more talented than a simple funeral director, sort of like a wedding planner. It made me angry.
There seems to be a huge number of blogs by widows now. I'm no longer doing something unique, apparently. I read a few and found it odd to read my feelings scattered over the internet, written by strangers. After reading a few, I wondered again why anyone would read about my experience. It is so depressing... particularly if you are on the same train.
This morning I was reading the comments on one such blog and found it surprising how much everyone sounds the same. The stories related were like echos, differing only slightly because of the shape of the lives in which they resonate. All had a similar complaint. There is no support, no resources readily accessible to widows in their cities. Their friends seem to have deserted them. Churches don't see them.
Don't get me wrong, major and some mid-sized cities do have support groups but most groups are geared to seniors. I was 53 when Jerry died. I would have been very uncomfortable in a group of over 60 widows I think. And there seems to be a huge number of young widows, below age 50. We're at war, remember. One place stated that there are over 13,000,000 widowed person in the United States and of these, 11,000,000 are women. The men tend to remarry. Probably younger women.
So with that in mind you would think resources would be fairly prevalent. I suppose the increase in blogs is a defense mechanism we've taken on ourselves because we are dissatisfied with the lack of an effective and inexpensive support system. I mean, consider the cost of counselors, books, and seminars for all kinds of problems. It is an industry. Widowhood is not a mental illness but it can lead to them. It isn't a physical aliment but it can lead to them. There are treatments for the symptoms, just as any other disease, but no cure. Yet, there are very few places one can go for help. Most of them cost something.
I was fortunate to have health insurance that covered a grief counselor. I suspect it was pretty much a waste of money as I don't feel a lot better than I did before. You go because you hope there is a cure. There isn't. You go because you're afraid of monsters only to discover they have no defense against them. There is no armor, no shield, no weapon that will repel them. You simply fight bare fisted and hope you are left standing at the end or at the very least that you can crawl off the field and live to tell it.
Overall, I'm unimpressed with my search for resources. I am not hopeful or comforted. I wonder how the other 10,999,999 feel?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Thursday with Friday in Sight
I've been scarce this week. The emotional roller coaster has just been too much to cope with and I have done nothing but fictional writing of no great import because that takes me someplace else. I don't want to be here.
As you probably know, Monday was a nightmare.I went home that night and sat in my living room in the dark. I couldn't bear to see the photographs. Once I was able to pull myself up, I went to the Y with my friend Carolyn. It was helpful physically but one always returns to reality. My nightmare simply waited for me. I just had a terrible night. Tuesday I was back at work but not much better and exhausted. I tried to stay out of everyone's way. I had the counselor appointment that evening at 4. I had also arranged to pick up Sarah for the evening.
It was a very stressful meeting after the usual chatting was out of the way. He asked me if I felt relief that I don't have to take care of Jerry anymore. I was horrified! I couldn't believe anyone would even consider that idea. If he'd been bedridden or required special care I might have understood it but I didn't even know he was as sick as he was. I wish I had. I would have done more to take care of him! I told him that was not even something I could consider. I was not relieved of anything. I didn't feel the need to be relieved because Jerry had been so careful to keep it from me. I should have been MORE concerned than I appear to have been. He wasn't well and he was not behaving rationally at the time. He had to have been terrified and feeling so very alone. Relief for me? From what? The only relief I could possible feel is if Jerry were home.
On the way home I conversed with God in the car. I told him I just need to finish this novel... and that I just needed ONE runaway best seller. LOL, it wasn't really funny. I wasn't trying to be funny. I was serious. Now, I must actually make the effort to work hard on it. I'd quite my job move back home.
After the meeting I picked up Sarah and we spent the evening together. I desperately needed to see her. I just wanted to be close to her. She is all that is left. She enjoys time at MawMaw's. Once the phone rang and she is so used to her mother calling. She said, while it was ringing, "I don't want to go home, Mawmaw! I want to stay here." And her parents stopped by to get something for a moment and she told her mother she didn't want to go home. We laughed and told her she didn't have to go home. They picked her up at 9 and by then, she had dozed off on my lap so was ready to go home with no argument.
I tried to stay busy. I chatted on gmail with my friend Kat for a while I think. I don't remember. She chats with me nearly every night and it has helped so much to keep me from thinking about stressful things. We spend most of the time laughing about our stories, discussing what we are working on with our writing, we bat around ideas. She's sent me bits of what she is working on now and it is a good story. And she's listened to my whines, aches, pains and heartaches. All of it helps a lot to keep me focused. I'm somewhere else for those hours. I owe you so much, Kat. I hope I've not kept you from more important things.
But then, on Tuesday anyway, bedtime rolled around and everything just collapsed around me. I simply ran out of whatever strength I'd been using to get to Tuesday night. It was all gone. I felt as if I'd been thrown back 11 months. We won't go into the lying in the dark drowning in my own tears, unable to breath.
Wednesday, was another crazy day at work. We can't work in the new system yet and we can't use the old one. I can't process anything much. I went to the water class after work and then Carolyn and I swam a little afterward. My arm is limiting my ability to swim. I can swim on my back but I have to limit the range of my strokes. When I went home Kat and I chatted a bit and I went to bed. I was exhausted so I vaguely remember the Spanish language cd beginning and not much else.
And here is it Thursday. I had physical therapy this morning at 7:30. Ultrasound treatment on the deltoid and they put some sort of medicated patch on there afterward. It has a battery in it??!! I am to leave it on for 14 hours. She said if it started to itch or burn a little to take it off immediately. She told me another woman didn't and had a blister there. So of course a few minutes after she put it on me it began to itch terribly. I ignored it and it has subsided. But I wonder if I shall have bionic abilities in that arm? Ouch, no, I don't.
I have to say the ultra sound was astounding. I had immediate reduction in one part of my arm. It didn't last but it was nice.
Friday is right there. But I dread having to come to work. I go through these periods where I'm depressed and want to hide out. I need a recharge and if my life were not so complicated, just being alone for a day would help. But it is too complicated, to filled with dark and biting things and stumbling blocks.
My dream would be to find a small cabin somewhere in the woods and write my days away, spend time with my Sarah, and spend time with the friends I've found this year. Life is far to complicated now. It takes so much effort to get up and get through a day in the asylum. I'm tired of it.
The counselor suggested I look for another job. Honestly, there is so much economic benefit from this one, I'm terrified to do that. I could get something much worse without all the perks of this one. And again, my life is too complicated to even know where to begin.
I will leave you here, with Friday in sight. I do now know if I will be back on tonight or later in the week. At the moment, it is so difficult to even know what to say. I want to sleep and wake up somewhere else. Some place warm and happy.
I must say a special thank to samadri. She has not been a contact of mine but is of some of you. For the last year I've received four books about journeying through grief. I mentioned them early on and Riete has also quoted them. She remained anonymous while sending them and only today revealed she was the one who had sent them. I am glad she did it that way and I'm glad I know who was responsible. These have been some of the best material I've been given. And believe me, people give you books on grief. But these were hands down the best and they were short and easy to read. I can't thank you enough, samadri.
I shall be going home in half an hour and I want to just lie down and sleep. I'm so tired. And I do not feel that things are better. I get disgusted with people who smile and say, "You're better." They make me angry. I'm not better. I will never be better. I'm in control. In fact, I am exerting so much self control that I can smile back at you rather than slap your silly face. Life has become something divided up into one hour slots. If I manage to have one or more when I do not feel savaged by some beast, I shall feel very fortunate.
As you probably know, Monday was a nightmare.I went home that night and sat in my living room in the dark. I couldn't bear to see the photographs. Once I was able to pull myself up, I went to the Y with my friend Carolyn. It was helpful physically but one always returns to reality. My nightmare simply waited for me. I just had a terrible night. Tuesday I was back at work but not much better and exhausted. I tried to stay out of everyone's way. I had the counselor appointment that evening at 4. I had also arranged to pick up Sarah for the evening.
It was a very stressful meeting after the usual chatting was out of the way. He asked me if I felt relief that I don't have to take care of Jerry anymore. I was horrified! I couldn't believe anyone would even consider that idea. If he'd been bedridden or required special care I might have understood it but I didn't even know he was as sick as he was. I wish I had. I would have done more to take care of him! I told him that was not even something I could consider. I was not relieved of anything. I didn't feel the need to be relieved because Jerry had been so careful to keep it from me. I should have been MORE concerned than I appear to have been. He wasn't well and he was not behaving rationally at the time. He had to have been terrified and feeling so very alone. Relief for me? From what? The only relief I could possible feel is if Jerry were home.
On the way home I conversed with God in the car. I told him I just need to finish this novel... and that I just needed ONE runaway best seller. LOL, it wasn't really funny. I wasn't trying to be funny. I was serious. Now, I must actually make the effort to work hard on it. I'd quite my job move back home.
After the meeting I picked up Sarah and we spent the evening together. I desperately needed to see her. I just wanted to be close to her. She is all that is left. She enjoys time at MawMaw's. Once the phone rang and she is so used to her mother calling. She said, while it was ringing, "I don't want to go home, Mawmaw! I want to stay here." And her parents stopped by to get something for a moment and she told her mother she didn't want to go home. We laughed and told her she didn't have to go home. They picked her up at 9 and by then, she had dozed off on my lap so was ready to go home with no argument.
I tried to stay busy. I chatted on gmail with my friend Kat for a while I think. I don't remember. She chats with me nearly every night and it has helped so much to keep me from thinking about stressful things. We spend most of the time laughing about our stories, discussing what we are working on with our writing, we bat around ideas. She's sent me bits of what she is working on now and it is a good story. And she's listened to my whines, aches, pains and heartaches. All of it helps a lot to keep me focused. I'm somewhere else for those hours. I owe you so much, Kat. I hope I've not kept you from more important things.
But then, on Tuesday anyway, bedtime rolled around and everything just collapsed around me. I simply ran out of whatever strength I'd been using to get to Tuesday night. It was all gone. I felt as if I'd been thrown back 11 months. We won't go into the lying in the dark drowning in my own tears, unable to breath.
Wednesday, was another crazy day at work. We can't work in the new system yet and we can't use the old one. I can't process anything much. I went to the water class after work and then Carolyn and I swam a little afterward. My arm is limiting my ability to swim. I can swim on my back but I have to limit the range of my strokes. When I went home Kat and I chatted a bit and I went to bed. I was exhausted so I vaguely remember the Spanish language cd beginning and not much else.
And here is it Thursday. I had physical therapy this morning at 7:30. Ultrasound treatment on the deltoid and they put some sort of medicated patch on there afterward. It has a battery in it??!! I am to leave it on for 14 hours. She said if it started to itch or burn a little to take it off immediately. She told me another woman didn't and had a blister there. So of course a few minutes after she put it on me it began to itch terribly. I ignored it and it has subsided. But I wonder if I shall have bionic abilities in that arm? Ouch, no, I don't.
I have to say the ultra sound was astounding. I had immediate reduction in one part of my arm. It didn't last but it was nice.
Friday is right there. But I dread having to come to work. I go through these periods where I'm depressed and want to hide out. I need a recharge and if my life were not so complicated, just being alone for a day would help. But it is too complicated, to filled with dark and biting things and stumbling blocks.
My dream would be to find a small cabin somewhere in the woods and write my days away, spend time with my Sarah, and spend time with the friends I've found this year. Life is far to complicated now. It takes so much effort to get up and get through a day in the asylum. I'm tired of it.
The counselor suggested I look for another job. Honestly, there is so much economic benefit from this one, I'm terrified to do that. I could get something much worse without all the perks of this one. And again, my life is too complicated to even know where to begin.
I will leave you here, with Friday in sight. I do now know if I will be back on tonight or later in the week. At the moment, it is so difficult to even know what to say. I want to sleep and wake up somewhere else. Some place warm and happy.
I must say a special thank to samadri. She has not been a contact of mine but is of some of you. For the last year I've received four books about journeying through grief. I mentioned them early on and Riete has also quoted them. She remained anonymous while sending them and only today revealed she was the one who had sent them. I am glad she did it that way and I'm glad I know who was responsible. These have been some of the best material I've been given. And believe me, people give you books on grief. But these were hands down the best and they were short and easy to read. I can't thank you enough, samadri.
I shall be going home in half an hour and I want to just lie down and sleep. I'm so tired. And I do not feel that things are better. I get disgusted with people who smile and say, "You're better." They make me angry. I'm not better. I will never be better. I'm in control. In fact, I am exerting so much self control that I can smile back at you rather than slap your silly face. Life has become something divided up into one hour slots. If I manage to have one or more when I do not feel savaged by some beast, I shall feel very fortunate.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Through the Rabbit Hole
The start of a new week. Our wedding anniversary. It was a Friday when we got married. Marsh land here. Keep walking.
I'm on my way out to the orthopedic doctor's office for them to look at my arm... which has hurt less in the last week. Typical. I have the Y to night. Pool workout unless said doctor say not.
I don't feel well this morning but not sure why. Stomach's a bit rocky. And I'm depressed. Nothing for it. Just close my eyes... don't look.
So, here I go... just like Alice.
I'm on my way out to the orthopedic doctor's office for them to look at my arm... which has hurt less in the last week. Typical. I have the Y to night. Pool workout unless said doctor say not.
I don't feel well this morning but not sure why. Stomach's a bit rocky. And I'm depressed. Nothing for it. Just close my eyes... don't look.
So, here I go... just like Alice.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Celebrations
Tomorrow is our 36th anniversary, or would have been. It will be the first one I've ever had without hope of ever being able to hug my husband and wish him happy anniversary.
I don't have to buy a card.
No dinner out. We always celebrated special occasions after church on the Sunday nearest his or my birthday or our anniversary by going to his favorite restaurant.
I don't have to buy a card.
No dinner out. We always celebrated special occasions after church on the Sunday nearest his or my birthday or our anniversary by going to his favorite restaurant.
Friday, January 8, 2010
The Widow Who Came In from the Cold!
I'm living in Siberia, wading through snow and ice and frigid temperatures, risking my neck each time I step out of the house. I worked all day every day and then spend several hours each evening in the company of friends or family. Tonight. I'm home, still freezing and exhausted. I do not want to do anything but get warm.
It is 18F! WHERE IS GLOBAL WARMING! And has anyone hear about how the entire European continent is frozen to a block of ice? And how about those manatees in Florida! So, global warming is actually the Ice Age?
I just went outside to verify that all the vent openings and the crawlspace opening under the house were covered. They have no covering on them. We put boards up in front of then to keep out wind and animals. I need to take care of it this summer and get more reliable covers. The crawlspace access was covered but the vent on each end of the house had come uncovered. I found boards that would work and covered them up. My pipes will freeze if the power goes out so I have to insure the heat that passes through the duct work also keeps underneath the house warm.
Now, I'm going to get a very hot shower and put on my sweatsuit and wool socks! Then, I'm getting me a hug in a mug. I need it tonight.
The next "first" is Monday, January 11th. I married Jerry 36 years ago on that date at 7 p.m. It was a warm, sunny day in Andalusia, Alabama. I remember that. Sun was shinning in my bedroom window and they wouldn't let me sit down because it might wrinkle my dress. LOL, it was a white polyester knit! We lived next door to our church. I walked to the church and my dress had short sleeves. We went to Panama City, Florida that night and had a weekend honeymoon on the beach... well, not ON the beach. It was too cold for that on the beach front. We stayed in our hotel room, going out the next day for breakfast and shopping and washing the junk off the car. I don't remember much else. We went home on Sunday morning. Jerry could have told you ever single detail of those days. He never forgot things like that. I seem to have done so.
It is 18F! WHERE IS GLOBAL WARMING! And has anyone hear about how the entire European continent is frozen to a block of ice? And how about those manatees in Florida! So, global warming is actually the Ice Age?
I just went outside to verify that all the vent openings and the crawlspace opening under the house were covered. They have no covering on them. We put boards up in front of then to keep out wind and animals. I need to take care of it this summer and get more reliable covers. The crawlspace access was covered but the vent on each end of the house had come uncovered. I found boards that would work and covered them up. My pipes will freeze if the power goes out so I have to insure the heat that passes through the duct work also keeps underneath the house warm.
Now, I'm going to get a very hot shower and put on my sweatsuit and wool socks! Then, I'm getting me a hug in a mug. I need it tonight.
The next "first" is Monday, January 11th. I married Jerry 36 years ago on that date at 7 p.m. It was a warm, sunny day in Andalusia, Alabama. I remember that. Sun was shinning in my bedroom window and they wouldn't let me sit down because it might wrinkle my dress. LOL, it was a white polyester knit! We lived next door to our church. I walked to the church and my dress had short sleeves. We went to Panama City, Florida that night and had a weekend honeymoon on the beach... well, not ON the beach. It was too cold for that on the beach front. We stayed in our hotel room, going out the next day for breakfast and shopping and washing the junk off the car. I don't remember much else. We went home on Sunday morning. Jerry could have told you ever single detail of those days. He never forgot things like that. I seem to have done so.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Tales in the Dark
"What I tell you in the darkness, speak ye in the light" (Matt. 10:27).
The title for this post and the scripture came several weeks ago, on Dec 17. I put the title in the box and wrote the scripture and then. . . nothing. I had nothing else to say. A tiny bell had rung and it felt important. So, since I thought it was stupid to post like that, I saved it in my drafts. I've looked at it several times in confusion wondering what I had wanted to say. I didn't know. Still, I had the sense it meant something. I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it so I just closed it up again.
January 1, I was reading my Bible and a second bell went off. I thought fleetingly "That's odd." I learned long ago that nothing is really coincidental. Things happen for a reason. You don't have to agree. But small things are like pebbles dropped in a lake. They start ripples that move outward, forever if the source is large enough. In theory, if you drop one in the middle of the Atlantic there will be ripples that become waves that have great impact somewhere.
That second bell went of when I read the following scripture. "So the people stood afar off, but Moses drew near the thick darkness where God was" Ex. 20:21 The word "was" was not in the original Hebrew text. It is put there for clarity. It is italicized in the KJV to show this. So, Moses drew near the thick darkness where God.
I did nothing at first when I found it. But it kept coming to my mind and eventually I got out of bed that evening and marked it in yellow in my study Bible. Again, I had that sense that this was important... at least to me. Remember, I once said this blog is about me? So, I set up a marker and left the verse in the Bible.
Today, I became restless. That verse has continued to 'gnaw' at me and the post I had started but not finished. I decided to search for the phrase "darkness" in the Bible. Nothing else. Just that. I began to read each entry that fit my search criteria. Darkness is a broad term and not all verses I found seemed to relate, they didn't give me that same clanging sound in my head. But I did start to notice the connection to the word "God" in some of the results. Mentally, I refined my search farther.
Of course, as Christians we don't connect God to darkness. He's all about light. Bringing light to the world and lighting our paths. He's the bright and morning star. His light has expanded to encompass the globe in nations once shrouded in thick darkness. Everything we learn about God is stated in terms of brilliance. The Bible clearly states these terms in regard to God's character. It even says that God is not found in darkness.
As I searched I started pasting all the scriptures to my document. I realized I was in trouble because I usually over research things anyway and the Bible is a big book and the word "darkness" is repeated . . . well. . . a lot.
Bells and Voices
So, I further refined mentally. I formulated a filter to assist. What was I looking for based on the two verses already "given" to me? Surprisingly, I sort of knew the answer, too. God can be found in darkness. That bell clanged loudly. Well, that flies in the face of all Christianity! It was just a little voice that slipped past the sound of the bell.
However, after reading all the scriptures that I felt were closely related to my first two and seemed catch in my filter, I noted two things. In the Old Testament God was frequently mentioned as "inhabiting darkness". In the New Testament, he was frequently mentioned "inhabiting light" and literally banishing darkness. It confused me at first but after thinking about it a bit, it made sense to me. Jesus is considered to be the light of the world. We believe he illuminated the darkness where God dwelt. There was a distant clang there but I felt that was not the direction I was headed today. I note it for another study.
I listed all the scriptures I felt related in some way to my first two and my filter. There are dozens but I won't use them all. For my purpose, I'm looking for the reason those first two verses keep ringing in my head. What do they mean?
As I did my search, I notice that in many places where God revealed important information to a person, he did it in thick darkness. Sometimes, the human being was terrified. Sometimes, they simply took the news and made the necessary changes. But most of the time I suspect they were scared witless. That's why so much dictation took place. When you are afraid and in the dark, you don't think too well.
"And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him." Gen. 15:12
"And Moses stretched forth his hand toward heaven; and there was a thick darkness in all the land of Egypt three days:" Ex. 10:22
"The Lord said that he would dwell in the thick darkness." 1 Kings 8:12
"Clouds and darkness are round about him: righteousness and judgment are the habitation of his throne." Ps 97:2
In each instance God was cloaked in darkness but he was there, acting in some capacity. Giving Abram a dream, dealing with the stubborn Egyptians. That was interesting to me. I've been living in very dark places. Today I was still in those dark places. It was frightening and I don't think to well but. . .at least I am hearing bells.
Fire And Smoke
The next thing I found was the story of the Exodus that tells of where God put a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night between the Hebrews and the Egyptians. This was to protect the Hebrews and not allow their recapture. What I didn't know was that there was a dual perception to this cloud/pillar.
To me the pillar of fire could easily be seen as a cloud in the daylight because . . . well, it produced huge quantities of smoke. I've seen enormous fires that appeared to be nothing but thick billowing smoke. You couldn't even see the fire! Until it got dark. What I found in the scripture was that the Egyptians only perceived the darkness. They never saw the pillar of fire! Read the verse with an emphasis on the terms "them" and "these" and you will see what I mean.
"And it came between the camp of the Egyptians and the camp of Israel; and it was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these: so that the one came not near the other all the night." Ex. 14:20
This cloud was darkness to the Egyptians but it was light to the Hebrews. The Egyptians didn't see the light! They saw only a great towering darkness before them and they weren't about to cross that line. Remember that I said in the Old Testament God cloaked himself in thick darkness.
"And ye came near and stood under the mountain; and the mountain burned with fire unto the midst of heaven, with darkness, clouds, and thick darkness." Ex 4:11
"These words the Lord spake unto all your assembly in the mount out of the midst of the fire, of the cloud, and of the thick darkness, with a great voice: and he added no more. And he wrote them in two tables of stone, and delivered them unto me." Deut. 5:22
Everyone outside the cloud saw thick darkness. Moses walked along the road and stepped into that darkness.
Down A Dark Road
Many of the things I found referred to the impact of this darkness on others. Frequently, darkness is laid across someone's path. This darkness was so thick, so terrible that the wicked couldn't even speak when confronted with it.
"He will keep the feet of his saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail." 1 Sam 2:9
It always surrounded the Almighty. "And he made darkness pavilions round about him, dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies." 2 Sam. 22:12 & Ps. 18:11
"He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet." 2 Sam. 22:10 & Ps. 18:9
Trouble in the Dark
Job said that God set the darkness in his path. He couldn't avoid it; it was across the path he had to take. Moses had to go into the darkness? Why? Why would God set darkness in the path of anyone, particularly people he held in high regard? Would God put darkness in our paths?
"He hath fenced up my way that I cannot pass, and he hath set darkness in my paths." Job 19:8
"He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light. He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old." Lam. 3:2 & 6
"When I looked for good, then evil came unto me: and when I waited for light, there came darkness." Job 30:26
WHY? The question screamed at me. WHY? Why would he do that? And if it was there, why would anyone enter that darkness as Moses had? Why would they have to go through the darkness at all? There is no light there. It is a darkness you can feel, that burns its way into your soul and consumes you. You don't know what is there waiting. Why would I go into that darkness? Dear Lord! Do you hear those bells? There are secrets in the dark.
"He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with him." Dan 2:22
"And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel." Isa 45:3
"He discovereth deep things out of darkness, and bringeth out to light the shadow of death." Job 12:22
There is more to this story, but not today. There are a dozen more scriptures, but they'll still be there later. Today, that is what I needed to know. I heard it in the dark.
"Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee. For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and his glory shall be seen upon thee." Isa 60:1-2
"And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." Isa. 42:16
"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." Micah 7:8
Can you hear the bells ringing all over the house?
I can.
The title for this post and the scripture came several weeks ago, on Dec 17. I put the title in the box and wrote the scripture and then. . . nothing. I had nothing else to say. A tiny bell had rung and it felt important. So, since I thought it was stupid to post like that, I saved it in my drafts. I've looked at it several times in confusion wondering what I had wanted to say. I didn't know. Still, I had the sense it meant something. I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it so I just closed it up again.
January 1, I was reading my Bible and a second bell went off. I thought fleetingly "That's odd." I learned long ago that nothing is really coincidental. Things happen for a reason. You don't have to agree. But small things are like pebbles dropped in a lake. They start ripples that move outward, forever if the source is large enough. In theory, if you drop one in the middle of the Atlantic there will be ripples that become waves that have great impact somewhere.
That second bell went of when I read the following scripture. "So the people stood afar off, but Moses drew near the thick darkness where God was" Ex. 20:21 The word "was" was not in the original Hebrew text. It is put there for clarity. It is italicized in the KJV to show this. So, Moses drew near the thick darkness where God.
I did nothing at first when I found it. But it kept coming to my mind and eventually I got out of bed that evening and marked it in yellow in my study Bible. Again, I had that sense that this was important... at least to me. Remember, I once said this blog is about me? So, I set up a marker and left the verse in the Bible.
Today, I became restless. That verse has continued to 'gnaw' at me and the post I had started but not finished. I decided to search for the phrase "darkness" in the Bible. Nothing else. Just that. I began to read each entry that fit my search criteria. Darkness is a broad term and not all verses I found seemed to relate, they didn't give me that same clanging sound in my head. But I did start to notice the connection to the word "God" in some of the results. Mentally, I refined my search farther.
Of course, as Christians we don't connect God to darkness. He's all about light. Bringing light to the world and lighting our paths. He's the bright and morning star. His light has expanded to encompass the globe in nations once shrouded in thick darkness. Everything we learn about God is stated in terms of brilliance. The Bible clearly states these terms in regard to God's character. It even says that God is not found in darkness.
As I searched I started pasting all the scriptures to my document. I realized I was in trouble because I usually over research things anyway and the Bible is a big book and the word "darkness" is repeated . . . well. . . a lot.
Bells and Voices
So, I further refined mentally. I formulated a filter to assist. What was I looking for based on the two verses already "given" to me? Surprisingly, I sort of knew the answer, too. God can be found in darkness. That bell clanged loudly. Well, that flies in the face of all Christianity! It was just a little voice that slipped past the sound of the bell.
However, after reading all the scriptures that I felt were closely related to my first two and seemed catch in my filter, I noted two things. In the Old Testament God was frequently mentioned as "inhabiting darkness". In the New Testament, he was frequently mentioned "inhabiting light" and literally banishing darkness. It confused me at first but after thinking about it a bit, it made sense to me. Jesus is considered to be the light of the world. We believe he illuminated the darkness where God dwelt. There was a distant clang there but I felt that was not the direction I was headed today. I note it for another study.
I listed all the scriptures I felt related in some way to my first two and my filter. There are dozens but I won't use them all. For my purpose, I'm looking for the reason those first two verses keep ringing in my head. What do they mean?
As I did my search, I notice that in many places where God revealed important information to a person, he did it in thick darkness. Sometimes, the human being was terrified. Sometimes, they simply took the news and made the necessary changes. But most of the time I suspect they were scared witless. That's why so much dictation took place. When you are afraid and in the dark, you don't think too well.
"And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him." Gen. 15:12
"And Moses stretched forth his hand toward heaven; and there was a thick darkness in all the land of Egypt three days:" Ex. 10:22
"The Lord said that he would dwell in the thick darkness." 1 Kings 8:12
"Clouds and darkness are round about him: righteousness and judgment are the habitation of his throne." Ps 97:2
In each instance God was cloaked in darkness but he was there, acting in some capacity. Giving Abram a dream, dealing with the stubborn Egyptians. That was interesting to me. I've been living in very dark places. Today I was still in those dark places. It was frightening and I don't think to well but. . .at least I am hearing bells.
Fire And Smoke
The next thing I found was the story of the Exodus that tells of where God put a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night between the Hebrews and the Egyptians. This was to protect the Hebrews and not allow their recapture. What I didn't know was that there was a dual perception to this cloud/pillar.
To me the pillar of fire could easily be seen as a cloud in the daylight because . . . well, it produced huge quantities of smoke. I've seen enormous fires that appeared to be nothing but thick billowing smoke. You couldn't even see the fire! Until it got dark. What I found in the scripture was that the Egyptians only perceived the darkness. They never saw the pillar of fire! Read the verse with an emphasis on the terms "them" and "these" and you will see what I mean.
"And it came between the camp of the Egyptians and the camp of Israel; and it was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these: so that the one came not near the other all the night." Ex. 14:20
This cloud was darkness to the Egyptians but it was light to the Hebrews. The Egyptians didn't see the light! They saw only a great towering darkness before them and they weren't about to cross that line. Remember that I said in the Old Testament God cloaked himself in thick darkness.
"And ye came near and stood under the mountain; and the mountain burned with fire unto the midst of heaven, with darkness, clouds, and thick darkness." Ex 4:11
"These words the Lord spake unto all your assembly in the mount out of the midst of the fire, of the cloud, and of the thick darkness, with a great voice: and he added no more. And he wrote them in two tables of stone, and delivered them unto me." Deut. 5:22
Everyone outside the cloud saw thick darkness. Moses walked along the road and stepped into that darkness.
Down A Dark Road
Many of the things I found referred to the impact of this darkness on others. Frequently, darkness is laid across someone's path. This darkness was so thick, so terrible that the wicked couldn't even speak when confronted with it.
"He will keep the feet of his saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail." 1 Sam 2:9
It always surrounded the Almighty. "And he made darkness pavilions round about him, dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies." 2 Sam. 22:12 & Ps. 18:11
"He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet." 2 Sam. 22:10 & Ps. 18:9
Trouble in the Dark
Job said that God set the darkness in his path. He couldn't avoid it; it was across the path he had to take. Moses had to go into the darkness? Why? Why would God set darkness in the path of anyone, particularly people he held in high regard? Would God put darkness in our paths?
"He hath fenced up my way that I cannot pass, and he hath set darkness in my paths." Job 19:8
"He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light. He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old." Lam. 3:2 & 6
"When I looked for good, then evil came unto me: and when I waited for light, there came darkness." Job 30:26
WHY? The question screamed at me. WHY? Why would he do that? And if it was there, why would anyone enter that darkness as Moses had? Why would they have to go through the darkness at all? There is no light there. It is a darkness you can feel, that burns its way into your soul and consumes you. You don't know what is there waiting. Why would I go into that darkness? Dear Lord! Do you hear those bells? There are secrets in the dark.
"He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with him." Dan 2:22
"And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel." Isa 45:3
"He discovereth deep things out of darkness, and bringeth out to light the shadow of death." Job 12:22
There is more to this story, but not today. There are a dozen more scriptures, but they'll still be there later. Today, that is what I needed to know. I heard it in the dark.
"Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee. For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and his glory shall be seen upon thee." Isa 60:1-2
"And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." Isa. 42:16
"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." Micah 7:8
Can you hear the bells ringing all over the house?
I can.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Sunshine Overhead, Dark Clouds on the Horizon
The sky is an icy blue and the sun is sliding through it the way a hot knife slices butter. It is 20 degrees! Ten o'clock is gone and eleven just got here. I got up around 8:00 a.m. and I didn't go to bed until 2:00 a.m. Not sure it is enough but I didn't want to waste it in bed. Besides, the neck and shoulder were screaming for me to get off them. So, I did.
I'm sitting here in sweatsuit and house shoes with my hair twisted in a banana clip... looks more like bear claws to me but they call them banana clips. Why? Combs joined by a spring. Go figure.
My house is very quiet. I've read my Bible this morning. Prayed. Am working on my second cup of coffee, eating pancakes and sausage on a stick... like a corn dog but different. I had two with sugar-free syrup.
I've been trying to get around to reading everyone's blogs. That panorama feature works well for that. But I still like going to the blog directly now and then, to see what designs everyone is using.
I just learned a neat little trick in Firefox. If you hold down the shift key and roll your mouse wheel it will take you either back to the page you were on before or forward to one you were on before you went back! Found it by accident! I knew that if you hold the ctrl key down and use the wheel it increases or decreases the screen fonts in Firefox but this shift key thing is new. Neat.
So, what's on the timetable? Nothing. I look around and see things I should do. I don't want to. I'm finding there is little motivation to do much of anything anymore. I just don't want to do anything. I always has a partner to do the things around here. I had some hobbies of my own, crochet, sewing, writing, reading but everything else was a joint effort. If the house needed cleaning most of the time, I had help. If something needed repair, we did it together. If I wanted to rearrange things, I had help. If I wanted to clean out a closet or cabinet, I had help, maybe just with the lifting and checking to see that I wasn't tossing something important. But there was that other person who makes any task or journey easier.
In the last two years I was doing more and more alone, blissfully unaware of any reason for it, and I hated it. Things began to not get done. I got angry and fussed all the time about it. To no avail. I never got an explanation for it. I remember telling him one night that it felt like I was living with a roommate because he was never "there". He looked stunned but I don't remember him saying much. I was a nasty bitch a lot of that time.
I just sit here now and look around me and think, that needs repair. No strength in my left arm means I'm not going to try and pick it up, move it, or anything that will move the deltoid muscle, the one on the back of your upper arm. Just in case you think it isn't much use, think again. That's the one that, if you use it enough, you won't have flabby upper arms. Yeah, that one. You use it for virtually EVERY motion you make, except lifting your arm straight ahead and straight behind you...both pretty worthless motions for day to day activities.
Lift your arm straight out to the side, palm facing down, level with your shoulder. I can't do that. I get my palm about a foot from my thigh and then someone stabs me with a butcher knife or meat cleaver. I can't go to a drive-thru at the bank or pharmacy and use the slide out drawers or automated tellers. I can't prop my arm on anything shoulder height. Can't carry a purse or lift a box down form a shelf. Anything overhead is almost impossible, even hanging a shower curtain.
And forget carrying anything over a pound for more than a few minutes. That muscle is what allows you to carry anything heavy. It takes the brunt of the weight when you carry a piece of luggage or handbag by your side.
So, if the elves don't do it, it probably won't get done. Actually, I've done a few things I realized later I shouldn't but I can't let stuff just lie around forever. I try and find a way to get things down from shelves that won't leave me in the floor or doubled over clutching my arm.
Now that I have ragaled you with my woes and observation and played the old lady by reciting my ills I will leave you. I hope your New Year is way better than my old one. Gee, I hope my New Year is better than my old one! I hope this first day of this new year finds you with people you love. Remember the ten foot rule... all you truly care about is within ten feet of you. Hold on tight. My computer is a bit bulky but it's warm.
I'm sitting here in sweatsuit and house shoes with my hair twisted in a banana clip... looks more like bear claws to me but they call them banana clips. Why? Combs joined by a spring. Go figure.
My house is very quiet. I've read my Bible this morning. Prayed. Am working on my second cup of coffee, eating pancakes and sausage on a stick... like a corn dog but different. I had two with sugar-free syrup.
I've been trying to get around to reading everyone's blogs. That panorama feature works well for that. But I still like going to the blog directly now and then, to see what designs everyone is using.
I just learned a neat little trick in Firefox. If you hold down the shift key and roll your mouse wheel it will take you either back to the page you were on before or forward to one you were on before you went back! Found it by accident! I knew that if you hold the ctrl key down and use the wheel it increases or decreases the screen fonts in Firefox but this shift key thing is new. Neat.
So, what's on the timetable? Nothing. I look around and see things I should do. I don't want to. I'm finding there is little motivation to do much of anything anymore. I just don't want to do anything. I always has a partner to do the things around here. I had some hobbies of my own, crochet, sewing, writing, reading but everything else was a joint effort. If the house needed cleaning most of the time, I had help. If something needed repair, we did it together. If I wanted to rearrange things, I had help. If I wanted to clean out a closet or cabinet, I had help, maybe just with the lifting and checking to see that I wasn't tossing something important. But there was that other person who makes any task or journey easier.
In the last two years I was doing more and more alone, blissfully unaware of any reason for it, and I hated it. Things began to not get done. I got angry and fussed all the time about it. To no avail. I never got an explanation for it. I remember telling him one night that it felt like I was living with a roommate because he was never "there". He looked stunned but I don't remember him saying much. I was a nasty bitch a lot of that time.
I just sit here now and look around me and think, that needs repair. No strength in my left arm means I'm not going to try and pick it up, move it, or anything that will move the deltoid muscle, the one on the back of your upper arm. Just in case you think it isn't much use, think again. That's the one that, if you use it enough, you won't have flabby upper arms. Yeah, that one. You use it for virtually EVERY motion you make, except lifting your arm straight ahead and straight behind you...both pretty worthless motions for day to day activities.
Lift your arm straight out to the side, palm facing down, level with your shoulder. I can't do that. I get my palm about a foot from my thigh and then someone stabs me with a butcher knife or meat cleaver. I can't go to a drive-thru at the bank or pharmacy and use the slide out drawers or automated tellers. I can't prop my arm on anything shoulder height. Can't carry a purse or lift a box down form a shelf. Anything overhead is almost impossible, even hanging a shower curtain.
And forget carrying anything over a pound for more than a few minutes. That muscle is what allows you to carry anything heavy. It takes the brunt of the weight when you carry a piece of luggage or handbag by your side.
So, if the elves don't do it, it probably won't get done. Actually, I've done a few things I realized later I shouldn't but I can't let stuff just lie around forever. I try and find a way to get things down from shelves that won't leave me in the floor or doubled over clutching my arm.
Now that I have ragaled you with my woes and observation and played the old lady by reciting my ills I will leave you. I hope your New Year is way better than my old one. Gee, I hope my New Year is better than my old one! I hope this first day of this new year finds you with people you love. Remember the ten foot rule... all you truly care about is within ten feet of you. Hold on tight. My computer is a bit bulky but it's warm.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Happy New Year......
2010 has arrived. I saw it arrive alone. I suspect, if I live long enough, there will be many more I see arrive, alone. I should have gone to bed and it wouldn't have been such a big deal. I didn't
I guess I thought maybe there would be some radical change in the way I feel. That things would look brighter. I wouldn't feel the weight of 2009. I thought when the calendar flipped over that something would change. But if there was supposed to be some excitement or magical feeling, I missed it. The year is an hour and 45 minutes old and nothing has changed except the time and date.
I never remember a new year that I cared so little about. I don't have any goals to meet. I don't make resolutions anyway (remember the post: Lies in Fancy Dress). No positive ideals to pin to the refrigerator. Just another day at the office.So, I'm on my way to bed. I've pretty much wasted the first two hours anyway.
I guess I thought maybe there would be some radical change in the way I feel. That things would look brighter. I wouldn't feel the weight of 2009. I thought when the calendar flipped over that something would change. But if there was supposed to be some excitement or magical feeling, I missed it. The year is an hour and 45 minutes old and nothing has changed except the time and date.
I never remember a new year that I cared so little about. I don't have any goals to meet. I don't make resolutions anyway (remember the post: Lies in Fancy Dress). No positive ideals to pin to the refrigerator. Just another day at the office.So, I'm on my way to bed. I've pretty much wasted the first two hours anyway.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Long Dark Night
I don't understand sometimes why breathing seems such a chore. Why is waking up and getting out of bed is so difficult? There is an expression that came to my mind while I was writing that: the long dark night of the soul. I looked it up. Although I've heard it for years, I realized that I didn't really understand what it meant. I do now.
There were several places that described it. Wiki says, "a phase in a person's spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation." Another site that I believe has something to do with eastern religion said, "It is a feeling of having been abandoned by God, characterized by an extreme sense of loneliness, and often a sense of futility and an experience of all efforts coming out the opposite of what is expected." (http://www.kundalini-teacher.com/symptoms/darknight.php)
I actually read the page where that was found because it seemed to fit several periods in my own life where things just didn't make sense and melted away to a kind of blackness. It is where I reside at the moment. Abandonment, desolation, loneliness, everything you attempt fails. . . pretty much sums it up. A long dark night.
I wrote the preceding at 9:33 this morning. The day degenerated from that point, a spiral into an abyss. I fell apart around 2 p.m. A coworker came to my office and found me. After failing to find a way to help me the boss came in and sent me home for the day. Probably for the best. When I got to the house I was basically an emotional train wreck. Took nearly two hours to get to the point I could get out of bed.
I asked to get Sarah earlier in the day and I went and got her and spent the rest of the evening trying to stay focused on blue eyes, blond hair and gamin grins. We made supper together, ate, played with the doll house, watched Barney, played with some other toys, read about four Curious George stories (she has a huge book of about eight).
A few times she caught me upset and said, "Don't be sad Mawmaw, I'm here." Once she said, "Don't be afraid. I'm right here Mawmaw. I not gone leave you." I wanted to smile but couldn't quite pull it off. She has gone home now and I'm on my way to shower and to bed. I feel as if I've run 50 miles. I've been sleepy for hours.
But a long dark night of the soul. I experienced such a thing once years ago. I didn't know that is what it was then but after reading the explanation, I'm certain of it. And this is another version. You would think, after all this time, I'd be used to it. I'd just straighten up, wash my face and get on with my life. And it sounds like a good idea. If I thought I had a life. If I thought it matter, or if I cared. I'm finding it harder and harder to find something that would make me care.
Maybe I want life easy. I probably do. Jerry and I made our plans. We knew what life would be. We loved our church and little family. We didn't have anything else. But it was just enough to keep us happy. We were happy, for a little while. We would work. Our sons would grow up to be productive men, honest, Godly men who loved God and who would have good jobs and families of their own. We'd have grandchildren, several, just down the road where we could be surrounded on holidays with those who meant the most to us and that we could see in church on Sunday carrying on the faith we had tried to instill. And we'd grow old together and watch their children have children and we would leave a legacy behind of, not money, but character and dedication and devotion.
The last month of his life I watched my husband lose all those dreams at once. I watched him let go of them and weep for his life. I listened to him talk about the disappointment he felt at all of it. I didn't know I was getting a last confession. But I tried to reassure and absolve him, I hope. At least I told him it wasn't his fault. He did the best he could to see that it all happened. I have hoped every day since January 29th that he found some comfort in those things. That he did not die feeling like a failure because of what was around him. People should not die with no sense of achieving something good. I think he did. I'm certain he did.
Now, I am not sure it is possible to ever feel like I did the right things. I am sure that there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that. Truth cannot be changed.
There were several places that described it. Wiki says, "a phase in a person's spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation." Another site that I believe has something to do with eastern religion said, "It is a feeling of having been abandoned by God, characterized by an extreme sense of loneliness, and often a sense of futility and an experience of all efforts coming out the opposite of what is expected." (http://www.kundalini-teacher.com/symptoms/darknight.php)
I actually read the page where that was found because it seemed to fit several periods in my own life where things just didn't make sense and melted away to a kind of blackness. It is where I reside at the moment. Abandonment, desolation, loneliness, everything you attempt fails. . . pretty much sums it up. A long dark night.
I wrote the preceding at 9:33 this morning. The day degenerated from that point, a spiral into an abyss. I fell apart around 2 p.m. A coworker came to my office and found me. After failing to find a way to help me the boss came in and sent me home for the day. Probably for the best. When I got to the house I was basically an emotional train wreck. Took nearly two hours to get to the point I could get out of bed.
I asked to get Sarah earlier in the day and I went and got her and spent the rest of the evening trying to stay focused on blue eyes, blond hair and gamin grins. We made supper together, ate, played with the doll house, watched Barney, played with some other toys, read about four Curious George stories (she has a huge book of about eight).
A few times she caught me upset and said, "Don't be sad Mawmaw, I'm here." Once she said, "Don't be afraid. I'm right here Mawmaw. I not gone leave you." I wanted to smile but couldn't quite pull it off. She has gone home now and I'm on my way to shower and to bed. I feel as if I've run 50 miles. I've been sleepy for hours.
But a long dark night of the soul. I experienced such a thing once years ago. I didn't know that is what it was then but after reading the explanation, I'm certain of it. And this is another version. You would think, after all this time, I'd be used to it. I'd just straighten up, wash my face and get on with my life. And it sounds like a good idea. If I thought I had a life. If I thought it matter, or if I cared. I'm finding it harder and harder to find something that would make me care.
Maybe I want life easy. I probably do. Jerry and I made our plans. We knew what life would be. We loved our church and little family. We didn't have anything else. But it was just enough to keep us happy. We were happy, for a little while. We would work. Our sons would grow up to be productive men, honest, Godly men who loved God and who would have good jobs and families of their own. We'd have grandchildren, several, just down the road where we could be surrounded on holidays with those who meant the most to us and that we could see in church on Sunday carrying on the faith we had tried to instill. And we'd grow old together and watch their children have children and we would leave a legacy behind of, not money, but character and dedication and devotion.
The last month of his life I watched my husband lose all those dreams at once. I watched him let go of them and weep for his life. I listened to him talk about the disappointment he felt at all of it. I didn't know I was getting a last confession. But I tried to reassure and absolve him, I hope. At least I told him it wasn't his fault. He did the best he could to see that it all happened. I have hoped every day since January 29th that he found some comfort in those things. That he did not die feeling like a failure because of what was around him. People should not die with no sense of achieving something good. I think he did. I'm certain he did.
Now, I am not sure it is possible to ever feel like I did the right things. I am sure that there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that. Truth cannot be changed.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Monday Morning Yuck
Gray skies, nothing but gray skies do I see!
Wait! That's not how it goes... is it?
It is in Indiana. And colder than. . . well, I don't know if there is a song for that. It is 28 degrees. Only a few degrees warmer than it was last night. If we had some sun it might be better.
I didn't have a very good evening yesterday. I woke up feeling o.k. but it was a slippery slope and all downhill. I went to church but it was very difficult for some reason. I just felt closed off and distant. The day wore on and I wanted to feel better but couldn't seem to get there. I didn't go to church that night and that was probably a bad idea. But I sat and cleaned out two desk drawers. I have a third to go. It kept my mind off some things but I kept finding these little notes Jerry wrote reminding him of either an appointment or phone number. I still have his social security card with his signature. He had the loveliest handwriting for a man. When I run across these things I just have this dagger shoved in my chest and I can't breath.
I'm going to start throwing away stuff but it is really hard. I tend to hang on to things thinking I'll "need" it but some of it I've not touched in years! It is terrible. I did that in the garage and ultimately it was a good choice. It is harder in the house. I still don't know what to do about some items.
I want to get rid of some furniture that I have, too. I am trying to get things sorted out. I am going to try and do the faucets this weekend myself. Mike said he will help me but it will require a lot of supervision since he tends to be careless and I don't need a plumbing disaster on a Saturday. It is my shower so if it gets messed up I have a serious problem. I tried calling a handyman service but they would only recommend a plumber!
Remember to keep Jilly's grandson in your prayers. Flynn went back to the hospital and is not doing well. He is only 5 weeks old and has lost 10% of his body weight. That's very bad for a baby.
I'm going home to lunch now and take a much needed break. The day is not going well I think. I just feel very depressed.
Wait! That's not how it goes... is it?
It is in Indiana. And colder than. . . well, I don't know if there is a song for that. It is 28 degrees. Only a few degrees warmer than it was last night. If we had some sun it might be better.
I didn't have a very good evening yesterday. I woke up feeling o.k. but it was a slippery slope and all downhill. I went to church but it was very difficult for some reason. I just felt closed off and distant. The day wore on and I wanted to feel better but couldn't seem to get there. I didn't go to church that night and that was probably a bad idea. But I sat and cleaned out two desk drawers. I have a third to go. It kept my mind off some things but I kept finding these little notes Jerry wrote reminding him of either an appointment or phone number. I still have his social security card with his signature. He had the loveliest handwriting for a man. When I run across these things I just have this dagger shoved in my chest and I can't breath.
I'm going to start throwing away stuff but it is really hard. I tend to hang on to things thinking I'll "need" it but some of it I've not touched in years! It is terrible. I did that in the garage and ultimately it was a good choice. It is harder in the house. I still don't know what to do about some items.
I want to get rid of some furniture that I have, too. I am trying to get things sorted out. I am going to try and do the faucets this weekend myself. Mike said he will help me but it will require a lot of supervision since he tends to be careless and I don't need a plumbing disaster on a Saturday. It is my shower so if it gets messed up I have a serious problem. I tried calling a handyman service but they would only recommend a plumber!
Remember to keep Jilly's grandson in your prayers. Flynn went back to the hospital and is not doing well. He is only 5 weeks old and has lost 10% of his body weight. That's very bad for a baby.
I'm going home to lunch now and take a much needed break. The day is not going well I think. I just feel very depressed.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tales in the Dark
"What I tell you in the darkness, speak ye in the light" (Matt. 10:27).
The title for this post and the scripture came several weeks ago, on Dec 17. I put the title in the box and wrote the scripture and then. . . nothing. I had nothing else to say. A tiny bell had rang and I it felt important. So, since I thought it was stupid to post like that, I saved it in my drafts. I've looked at it several times in confusion wondering what I had wanted to say. I didn't know. Still I had the sense it meant something. I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it so I just closed it up again.
January 1, I was reading my Bible and a second bell went off. I thought fleetingly "That's odd." I learned long ago that nothing is really coincidental. Things happen for a reason. You don't have to agree. But small things are like pebbles dropped in a lake. They start ripples that move outward, forever if the source is large enough. In theory, if you drop one in the middle of the Atlantic there will be ripples that become waves that have great impact somewhere.
A second bell went of when I read the following scripture. "So the people stood afar off, but Moses drew near the thick darkness where God was" Ex. 20:21 The word "was" was not in the original Hebrew text. It is put there for clarity. It is italicized in the KJV to show this. So, Moses drew near the thick darkness where God.
I did nothing at first when I found it. But it kept coming to my mind and eventually I got out of bed that evening and marked it in yellow in my study Bible. Again, I had that sense that this was important... at least to me. Remember, I once said this blog is about me? So, I set up a marker and left the verse in the Bible.
Today, I became restless. That verse has continued to 'gnaw' at me and the post I had started but not finished. I decided to search for the phrase "darkness" in the Bible. Nothing else. Just that. I began to read each entry that fit my search criteria. Darkness is a broad term and not all verses I found seemed to relate, they didn't give me that same clanging sound in my head. But I did start to notice the connection to the word "God" in some of the results. Mentally, I refined my search farther.
Of course, as Christians we don't connect God to darkness. He's all about light. Bringing light to the world and lighting our paths. He's the bright and morning star. His light has expanded to encompass the globe in nations once shrouded in thick darkness. Everything we learn about God is stated in terms of brilliance. The Bible clearly states these terms in regard to God's character. It even says that God is not found in darkness.
As I searched I started pasting all the scriptures to my document. I realized I was in trouble because I usually over research things anyway and the Bible is a big book and the word "darkness" is repeated . . . well. . . a lot.
Bells and Voices
So, I further refined mentally. I formulated a filter to assist. What was I looking for based on the two verses already "given" to me? Surprisingly, I sort of knew the answer, too. God can be found in darkness. That bell clanged loudly. Well, that flies in the face of all Christianity! It was just a little voice that slipped past the sound of the bell.
However, after reading all the scriptures that I felt were closely related to my first two and seemed catch in my filter, I noted two things. In the Old Testament God was frequently mentioned as "inhabiting darkness". In the New Testament, he was frequently mentioned "inhabiting light" and literally banishing darkness. It confused me at first but after thinking about it a bit, it made sense to me. Jesus is considered to be the light of the world. We believe he illuminated the darkness where God dwelt. There was a distant clang there but I felt that was not the direction I was headed today. I note it for another study.
I listed all the scriptures I felt related in some way to my first two and my filter. There are dozens but I won't use them all and only include them for those truly interested in reading them. For my purpose, I'm looking for the reason those first two verses keep ringing in my head. What do they mean?
As I did my search, I notice that in many places where God revealed important information to a person, he did it in thick darkness. Sometimes, the human being was terrified. Sometimes, they simply took the news and made the necessary changes. But most of the time I suspect they were scared witless. That's why so much dictation took place. When you are afraid and in the dark, you don't think too well.
"And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him." Gen. 15:12
"And Moses stretched forth his hand toward heaven; and there was a thick darkness in all the land of Egypt three days:" Ex. 10:22
"The Lord said that he would dwell in the thick darkness." 1 Kings 8:12
"Clouds and darkness are round about him: righteousness and judgment are the habitation of his throne." Ps 97:2
In each instance God was cloaked in darkness but he was there, acting in some capacity. Giving Abram a dream, dealing with the stubborn Egyptians. That was interesting to me. I've been living in very dark places. Today I was still in those dark places. It was frightening and I don't think to well but. . .at least I am hearing bells.
Fire And Smoke
The next thing I found was the story of the Exodus that tells of where God put a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night between the Hebrews and the Egyptians. This was to protect the Hebrews and not allow their recapture. What I didn't know was that there was a dual perception to this cloud/pillar.
To me the pillar of fire could easily be seen as a cloud in the daylight because . . . well, it produced huge quantities of smoke. I've seen enormous fires that appeared to be nothing but thick billowing smoke. You couldn't even see the fire! Until it got dark. What I found in the scripture was that the Egyptians only perceived the darkness. They never saw the pillar of fire! Read the verse with an emphasis on the terms "them" and "these" and you will see what I mean.
"And it came between the camp of the Egyptians and the camp of Israel; and it was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these: so that the one came not near the other all the night." Ex. 14:20
This cloud was darkness to the Egyptians but it was light to the Hebrews. The Egyptians didn't see the light! They saw only a great towering darkness before them and they aren't about to cross that line. Remember that I said in the Old Testament God cloaked himself in thick darkness.
"And ye came near and stood under the mountain; and the mountain burned with fire unto the midst of heaven, with darkness, clouds, and thick darkness." Ex 4:11
"These words the Lord spake unto all your assembly in the mount out of the midst of the fire, of the cloud, and of the thick darkness, with a great voice: and he added no more. And he wrote them in two tables of stone, and delivered them unto me." Deut. 5:22
Everyone outside the cloud saw thick darkness. Moses walked along the road and stepped into that darkness.
Down A Dark Road
Many of the things I found referred to the impact of this darkness on others. Frequently, darkness is laid across someone's path. This darkness was so thick, so terrible that the wicked couldn't even speak when confronted with it.
"He will keep the feet of his saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail." 1 Sam 2:9
It always surrounded the Almighty. "And he made darkness pavilions round about him, dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies." 2 Sam. 22:12 & Ps. 18:11
"He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet." 2 Sam. 22:10 & Ps. 18:9
Trouble in the Dark
Job said that God set the darkness in his path. He couldn't avoid it; it was across the path he had to take. Moses had to go into the darkness? Why? Why would God set darkness in the path of anyone, particularly people he held in high regard? Would God put darkness in our paths?
"He hath fenced up my way that I cannot pass, and he hath set darkness in my paths." Job 19:8
"He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light. He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old." Lam. 3:2 & 6
"When I looked for good, then evil came unto me: and when I waited for light, there came darkness." Job 30:26
WHY? The question screamed at me. WHY? Why he do that? And if it was there, why would anyone enter that darkness as Moses had? Why would they have to go through the darkness at all? There is no light there. It is a darkness you can feel, that burns its way into your soul and consumes you. You don't know what is there waiting. Why would I go into that darkness? Dear Lord! Do you hear those bells? There are secrets in the dark.
"He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with him." Dan 2:22
"And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel." Isa 45:3
"He discovereth deep things out of darkness, and bringeth out to light the shadow of death." Job 12:22
There is more to this story, but not today. There are a dozen more scriptures, but they'll still be there later. Today, that is what I needed to know. I heard it in the dark.
"Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee. For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and his glory shall be seen upon thee." Isa 60:1-2
"And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." Isa. 42:16
"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." Micah 7:8
Can you hear the bells ringing all over the house?
I can.
The title for this post and the scripture came several weeks ago, on Dec 17. I put the title in the box and wrote the scripture and then. . . nothing. I had nothing else to say. A tiny bell had rang and I it felt important. So, since I thought it was stupid to post like that, I saved it in my drafts. I've looked at it several times in confusion wondering what I had wanted to say. I didn't know. Still I had the sense it meant something. I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it so I just closed it up again.
January 1, I was reading my Bible and a second bell went off. I thought fleetingly "That's odd." I learned long ago that nothing is really coincidental. Things happen for a reason. You don't have to agree. But small things are like pebbles dropped in a lake. They start ripples that move outward, forever if the source is large enough. In theory, if you drop one in the middle of the Atlantic there will be ripples that become waves that have great impact somewhere.
A second bell went of when I read the following scripture. "So the people stood afar off, but Moses drew near the thick darkness where God was" Ex. 20:21 The word "was" was not in the original Hebrew text. It is put there for clarity. It is italicized in the KJV to show this. So, Moses drew near the thick darkness where God.
I did nothing at first when I found it. But it kept coming to my mind and eventually I got out of bed that evening and marked it in yellow in my study Bible. Again, I had that sense that this was important... at least to me. Remember, I once said this blog is about me? So, I set up a marker and left the verse in the Bible.
Today, I became restless. That verse has continued to 'gnaw' at me and the post I had started but not finished. I decided to search for the phrase "darkness" in the Bible. Nothing else. Just that. I began to read each entry that fit my search criteria. Darkness is a broad term and not all verses I found seemed to relate, they didn't give me that same clanging sound in my head. But I did start to notice the connection to the word "God" in some of the results. Mentally, I refined my search farther.
Of course, as Christians we don't connect God to darkness. He's all about light. Bringing light to the world and lighting our paths. He's the bright and morning star. His light has expanded to encompass the globe in nations once shrouded in thick darkness. Everything we learn about God is stated in terms of brilliance. The Bible clearly states these terms in regard to God's character. It even says that God is not found in darkness.
As I searched I started pasting all the scriptures to my document. I realized I was in trouble because I usually over research things anyway and the Bible is a big book and the word "darkness" is repeated . . . well. . . a lot.
Bells and Voices
So, I further refined mentally. I formulated a filter to assist. What was I looking for based on the two verses already "given" to me? Surprisingly, I sort of knew the answer, too. God can be found in darkness. That bell clanged loudly. Well, that flies in the face of all Christianity! It was just a little voice that slipped past the sound of the bell.
However, after reading all the scriptures that I felt were closely related to my first two and seemed catch in my filter, I noted two things. In the Old Testament God was frequently mentioned as "inhabiting darkness". In the New Testament, he was frequently mentioned "inhabiting light" and literally banishing darkness. It confused me at first but after thinking about it a bit, it made sense to me. Jesus is considered to be the light of the world. We believe he illuminated the darkness where God dwelt. There was a distant clang there but I felt that was not the direction I was headed today. I note it for another study.
I listed all the scriptures I felt related in some way to my first two and my filter. There are dozens but I won't use them all and only include them for those truly interested in reading them. For my purpose, I'm looking for the reason those first two verses keep ringing in my head. What do they mean?
As I did my search, I notice that in many places where God revealed important information to a person, he did it in thick darkness. Sometimes, the human being was terrified. Sometimes, they simply took the news and made the necessary changes. But most of the time I suspect they were scared witless. That's why so much dictation took place. When you are afraid and in the dark, you don't think too well.
"And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him." Gen. 15:12
"And Moses stretched forth his hand toward heaven; and there was a thick darkness in all the land of Egypt three days:" Ex. 10:22
"The Lord said that he would dwell in the thick darkness." 1 Kings 8:12
"Clouds and darkness are round about him: righteousness and judgment are the habitation of his throne." Ps 97:2
In each instance God was cloaked in darkness but he was there, acting in some capacity. Giving Abram a dream, dealing with the stubborn Egyptians. That was interesting to me. I've been living in very dark places. Today I was still in those dark places. It was frightening and I don't think to well but. . .at least I am hearing bells.
Fire And Smoke
The next thing I found was the story of the Exodus that tells of where God put a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night between the Hebrews and the Egyptians. This was to protect the Hebrews and not allow their recapture. What I didn't know was that there was a dual perception to this cloud/pillar.
To me the pillar of fire could easily be seen as a cloud in the daylight because . . . well, it produced huge quantities of smoke. I've seen enormous fires that appeared to be nothing but thick billowing smoke. You couldn't even see the fire! Until it got dark. What I found in the scripture was that the Egyptians only perceived the darkness. They never saw the pillar of fire! Read the verse with an emphasis on the terms "them" and "these" and you will see what I mean.
"And it came between the camp of the Egyptians and the camp of Israel; and it was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these: so that the one came not near the other all the night." Ex. 14:20
This cloud was darkness to the Egyptians but it was light to the Hebrews. The Egyptians didn't see the light! They saw only a great towering darkness before them and they aren't about to cross that line. Remember that I said in the Old Testament God cloaked himself in thick darkness.
"And ye came near and stood under the mountain; and the mountain burned with fire unto the midst of heaven, with darkness, clouds, and thick darkness." Ex 4:11
"These words the Lord spake unto all your assembly in the mount out of the midst of the fire, of the cloud, and of the thick darkness, with a great voice: and he added no more. And he wrote them in two tables of stone, and delivered them unto me." Deut. 5:22
Everyone outside the cloud saw thick darkness. Moses walked along the road and stepped into that darkness.
Down A Dark Road
Many of the things I found referred to the impact of this darkness on others. Frequently, darkness is laid across someone's path. This darkness was so thick, so terrible that the wicked couldn't even speak when confronted with it.
"He will keep the feet of his saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail." 1 Sam 2:9
It always surrounded the Almighty. "And he made darkness pavilions round about him, dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies." 2 Sam. 22:12 & Ps. 18:11
"He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet." 2 Sam. 22:10 & Ps. 18:9
Trouble in the Dark
Job said that God set the darkness in his path. He couldn't avoid it; it was across the path he had to take. Moses had to go into the darkness? Why? Why would God set darkness in the path of anyone, particularly people he held in high regard? Would God put darkness in our paths?
"He hath fenced up my way that I cannot pass, and he hath set darkness in my paths." Job 19:8
"He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light. He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old." Lam. 3:2 & 6
"When I looked for good, then evil came unto me: and when I waited for light, there came darkness." Job 30:26
WHY? The question screamed at me. WHY? Why he do that? And if it was there, why would anyone enter that darkness as Moses had? Why would they have to go through the darkness at all? There is no light there. It is a darkness you can feel, that burns its way into your soul and consumes you. You don't know what is there waiting. Why would I go into that darkness? Dear Lord! Do you hear those bells? There are secrets in the dark.
"He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with him." Dan 2:22
"And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel." Isa 45:3
"He discovereth deep things out of darkness, and bringeth out to light the shadow of death." Job 12:22
There is more to this story, but not today. There are a dozen more scriptures, but they'll still be there later. Today, that is what I needed to know. I heard it in the dark.
"Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee. For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and his glory shall be seen upon thee." Isa 60:1-2
"And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." Isa. 42:16
"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." Micah 7:8
Can you hear the bells ringing all over the house?
I can.
Leaky Faucets and Rotting Corpses
I thought I was fine last night. I haven't really felt good all week but I've managed to get by, even writing a bit. Still, I've been very down. I have gone to bed a bit earlier several nights, only to arise earlier. I was resting I suppose. I remember even dreaming several nights. I do think I'm getting Mike's cold.
Around 10 p.m. last night I simply descended into hell. Sometimes it feels like I'm dying and it frightens me. You just can't breath. I don't think I've descended that far in a while. It is the worst place to be and there really is no escape. Once you hit the steepest part of the slope there is nothing to stop you, nothing to grab onto. You end up at the bottom with bloody knees, torn nails and a bruised soul.
This is as far from normal as you ever want to get. Everything is upside down. I look around my house and feel, despite it being clean and fairly organized, that it is a waste land. Devoid of anything that makes it home. I don't love it anymore. It doesn't love me either.
I see things I'd like to get done and find I just really don't care anymore. The hot water faucet in the tub is leaking. The half bath toilet has no water in the tank because it was leaking and I just turned it off, cleaned out the bowl, and poured cleaning solutions through it to make sure it was clear of any odors. The kitchen faucet has a leak; I've mopped up water underneath it twice this week. The leak in the bottom of the tub I've stopped, I think with spray foam that expanded to form a round glop in the bottom of the tub. It's stuck there until I discover if I'm up to taking it out and put in a new one.
But I don't care, actually. I know these things need fixing. I just don't see how or when or even if I want to. I've no problem turning off the water to the kitchen sink and tub but I actually have to wash dishes and take a bath. But I no longer use the half bath toilet since it has no water. I just brush my teeth in there and fix my hair because it has the best light and mirrors. Most of the time it is closed off.
We're just rotting corpses. Dust to dust. Eventually, we'll just be dust.
Around 10 p.m. last night I simply descended into hell. Sometimes it feels like I'm dying and it frightens me. You just can't breath. I don't think I've descended that far in a while. It is the worst place to be and there really is no escape. Once you hit the steepest part of the slope there is nothing to stop you, nothing to grab onto. You end up at the bottom with bloody knees, torn nails and a bruised soul.
This is as far from normal as you ever want to get. Everything is upside down. I look around my house and feel, despite it being clean and fairly organized, that it is a waste land. Devoid of anything that makes it home. I don't love it anymore. It doesn't love me either.
I see things I'd like to get done and find I just really don't care anymore. The hot water faucet in the tub is leaking. The half bath toilet has no water in the tank because it was leaking and I just turned it off, cleaned out the bowl, and poured cleaning solutions through it to make sure it was clear of any odors. The kitchen faucet has a leak; I've mopped up water underneath it twice this week. The leak in the bottom of the tub I've stopped, I think with spray foam that expanded to form a round glop in the bottom of the tub. It's stuck there until I discover if I'm up to taking it out and put in a new one.
But I don't care, actually. I know these things need fixing. I just don't see how or when or even if I want to. I've no problem turning off the water to the kitchen sink and tub but I actually have to wash dishes and take a bath. But I no longer use the half bath toilet since it has no water. I just brush my teeth in there and fix my hair because it has the best light and mirrors. Most of the time it is closed off.
We're just rotting corpses. Dust to dust. Eventually, we'll just be dust.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Twiddling My Thumbs
We had our office Christmas luncheon today and revealed our Secret Santa's. We exchanged names and have been getting and giving small presents for the last couple of weeks. Lunch was good and it was a lot of fun watching over the last week when people got their gifts. I got candy and body butter from Victoria's Secret and some lotion from Bath & Body Works. Actually the person I drew also drew my name so it was amusing when the reveal came today.
As most of you know, I've been in fairly dark places the last week. I apologize if anyone is bothered by that. I wish I could say it won't happen again. I can't. At the moment, I'm better. I have gotten some much needed rest. I went to bed last night at 9:30 p.m.. I've said before I am pretty sure that lack of sleep is one of the biggest problems and it makes everything else profoundly worse. I have noticed when I don't sleep, I become severely depressed and distraught. Everything snowballs.
With that early night, I got up at 6 a.m. this morning! That's a lot of sleep. I was so tired I could hardly stand it. It was such a dreadful weekend that I think I was just spent by Monday morning. When I got home I was nearly a zombie. And I was frustrated about going to bed so early but I simply could not stay up any longer. Once in bed, I was out in in minutes
I'm doing something you will think very odd. For the last two nights, I have turned on one of my Spanish language tapes when I went to bed. Last night I only woke up once that I recall when there was a change of speaker on the tape. It only last 45 minutes anyway.
I've used this technique for years to learn things. I did it all the time in college, taping my notes and listening to them. I've recommended this to probably half a dozen other people and each one who tried it said it was tremendously helpful. My theory is that hearing your own voice actually helps your brain accept the information. There were several information intensive course I had and this worked for me. I need to find my pillow speaker, though. I am just using the player's speakers and last night I had to turn it down. Sunday night it didn't bother me but it did last night. I finally got a comfortable level and was fine but I recall the speaker pillow was really good.
I'm trying to brush up on my Spanish and I figured that a good way would to get my "ear"in tune by letting it play when I was asleep. I read Spanish fairly well up to a point; I'm rusty. But understanding spoken Spanish is difficult for me because I've never got to use it. I'll let you know if I can detect an improvement. I plan on making recordings of my own voice soon and see if that will help with my spoken Spanish, too.
I began editing The End of Winter this morning. Yes, this morning at 7 a.m. I wanted to start this weekend but when I'm so mentally stressed and tired I simply can't function. I was very upset by not being able to do any writing this weekend. This particular story is probably one of my favorites and I'd really like to get it presentable. I have a good group of writers whose opinions I trust so I think I'll know if it is worth the effort. But if I can't keep my focus I'm never going to be able to do this. I'm beginning to think I'll never be clear headed again. Surely if I can crank out 20,000 in one week I can edit an already written work!
Now, I should get back to work. I'm here twiddling my thumbs and I'm thinking about asking to leave a bit early today. I have 3 hours of personal time and if I don't take it I will lose it at the end of the year. Maybe I should wait until Friday and take it all? I'm already wanting to go home so I don't know.
Hope you all have a good Tuesday.
As most of you know, I've been in fairly dark places the last week. I apologize if anyone is bothered by that. I wish I could say it won't happen again. I can't. At the moment, I'm better. I have gotten some much needed rest. I went to bed last night at 9:30 p.m.. I've said before I am pretty sure that lack of sleep is one of the biggest problems and it makes everything else profoundly worse. I have noticed when I don't sleep, I become severely depressed and distraught. Everything snowballs.
With that early night, I got up at 6 a.m. this morning! That's a lot of sleep. I was so tired I could hardly stand it. It was such a dreadful weekend that I think I was just spent by Monday morning. When I got home I was nearly a zombie. And I was frustrated about going to bed so early but I simply could not stay up any longer. Once in bed, I was out in in minutes
I'm doing something you will think very odd. For the last two nights, I have turned on one of my Spanish language tapes when I went to bed. Last night I only woke up once that I recall when there was a change of speaker on the tape. It only last 45 minutes anyway.
I've used this technique for years to learn things. I did it all the time in college, taping my notes and listening to them. I've recommended this to probably half a dozen other people and each one who tried it said it was tremendously helpful. My theory is that hearing your own voice actually helps your brain accept the information. There were several information intensive course I had and this worked for me. I need to find my pillow speaker, though. I am just using the player's speakers and last night I had to turn it down. Sunday night it didn't bother me but it did last night. I finally got a comfortable level and was fine but I recall the speaker pillow was really good.
I'm trying to brush up on my Spanish and I figured that a good way would to get my "ear"in tune by letting it play when I was asleep. I read Spanish fairly well up to a point; I'm rusty. But understanding spoken Spanish is difficult for me because I've never got to use it. I'll let you know if I can detect an improvement. I plan on making recordings of my own voice soon and see if that will help with my spoken Spanish, too.
I began editing The End of Winter this morning. Yes, this morning at 7 a.m. I wanted to start this weekend but when I'm so mentally stressed and tired I simply can't function. I was very upset by not being able to do any writing this weekend. This particular story is probably one of my favorites and I'd really like to get it presentable. I have a good group of writers whose opinions I trust so I think I'll know if it is worth the effort. But if I can't keep my focus I'm never going to be able to do this. I'm beginning to think I'll never be clear headed again. Surely if I can crank out 20,000 in one week I can edit an already written work!
Now, I should get back to work. I'm here twiddling my thumbs and I'm thinking about asking to leave a bit early today. I have 3 hours of personal time and if I don't take it I will lose it at the end of the year. Maybe I should wait until Friday and take it all? I'm already wanting to go home so I don't know.
Hope you all have a good Tuesday.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Understatements
It isn't fair you know. To be isolated like this. To wake up and go to bed in this cave. I wish I had saved all my vacation for the month of December. I'd catch a plane and go somewhere that there is sunshine, heat and people. I didn't.
I will never love snow or the thought of snow again.
I'm about as tired tonight as I can ever remember being. And I did very little this weekend but sit and keep a tight rein on my emotions. But they still slipped the reins and took off across the field. I was left behind in a heap.
Now, I want to lie down but I have things I'd like to do. I wanted to write but I can't think. I wanted to read, but I can't think. I wanted to watch something, but I can't think.My brain seems to be straining to even get this simple, unimaginative post out. I've had a headache all day but am too frightened anymore to take the meds for it. Ludicrous.
I'm going to bed. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. Ain't it the truth.
I will never love snow or the thought of snow again.
I'm about as tired tonight as I can ever remember being. And I did very little this weekend but sit and keep a tight rein on my emotions. But they still slipped the reins and took off across the field. I was left behind in a heap.
Now, I want to lie down but I have things I'd like to do. I wanted to write but I can't think. I wanted to read, but I can't think. I wanted to watch something, but I can't think.My brain seems to be straining to even get this simple, unimaginative post out. I've had a headache all day but am too frightened anymore to take the meds for it. Ludicrous.
I'm going to bed. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. Ain't it the truth.
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