How Far?

Sometimes Life on the Ledge is quiet and uneventful. Other times, the ledge crumbles and you have to move back in order to keep from falling. This month, the ledge has been moving and shaking a fair bit and I'm exhausted trying to stay on my feet and far enough back to avoid a fall. 

I won't go into too much detail lest you think I need mental health care. Maybe I do. Sometimes I wonder if that would help, but I don't believe so. I remember seeing a grief counselor after Jerry died. I saw him for over a year. He was kind and talking to him helped me get rid of the toxic things; I think. When we knew our time was up, I remember one of my last visits. I told him I knew he couldn't help me, that this was something I had to do on my own. No amount of talking was going to fix it. I could have talked until I too died, but it wouldn't bring Jerry back or heal my heart. 

There's always another heartbreak, another tragedy, another grief. There is no end to them. By the time you recover, another comes round the bend. 

I often wonder how much the human psyche can endure before it cracks. Sometimes I think I'm the guinea pig for that experiment. The trek from one disaster to the next is arduous. I might get to rest between them, but not really. 

Today, I'm so tired. I don't want to go another step. I can't go back and going forward is just too much.  

A Level Field: For Now

Today was an average day. Pain levels were down, except my knees. Depression lessened. No agitation or frustration to speak of. I wasn't ecstatic, but I wasn't mad either. Like I said, an average day. 

We went to church, getting there about 15 minutes late. I don't know why; I think I was trying to get a jacket that wasn't covered in cat hair. Or maybe I took too long on my teeth. Whatever, we got there.

Service was good. Teaching/Preaching was good. Worship service was good. My neighbors were friendly, and the babies were adorable. (There are about three new babies around me.)

I tried to write the last couple of days but I keep getting so sleepy. It's very frustrating when that happens. I can't stop it or correct it because I do not know what is causing it. So, I just walk away. And lie down.

And of course, at this point in the writing, everything sucks. I don't know why that happens either. For a week, I thought it was great. Today I don't want to look at it, let alone read that drivel.  

Tonight, I watched funny videos and shared them on Facebook. I laughed so much but I feel better. 

Jet is sitting next to me on my desk, in the bed I put there for him. When he gets in it, he's much less annoying. I try to remember to pet him now and then, so he gets the attention he craves. At the moment, he's making biscuits. He only does that in this bed. Very weird.

The house is colder because I'm keeping my heat down lower. The utility bills are simply insane here and they want to increase them. I don't know how they think people will keep the power on. My utilities are now about what my house payment is. I feel for folks who are paying more for their house and have even larger bills. 

I'm getting ready to go to bed for the night. I may shut the cats out. They keep waking me up early and I'm not resting well. They seem to think they can't finish their breakfast without me in the kitchen. Jet has begun messing with my water container, which has a lid on it. He knocked over the lamp when I swatted at him about the water. It is a glass lamp, but he didn't break it. I was still angry with him because it was 7:30 and I didn't want to get up. So, I'll probably lock them out tonight. I really hate to do that to them.

Oh yeah, we had snow this weekend. I got up on Saturday morning and opened the kitchen curtains and was shocked to see several inches of snow. As of today, the snow was gone. We may get more in a few days, but for it to stick around, the ground has to freeze. 

I still haven't finished my handbag project! Will work tomorrow on it. I hope.

For now, I'll get off here and turn in for the night. I hope 

I Live for Excitement! Not.

  So, I wasn't feeling very well and decided it was time to take a shower, wash my hair, and just go to bed. That was my intention when I got in the shower. 

Things did not go as planned.

I have a nice standing rack in the back corner of my shower that holds soaps, shampoos, conditioners, back scrubbers, and I keep clothes pins to clip wash cloths on to prevent mildew and to dry after you shower. I suspect I've had this rack for 20+ yrs. It's been a convenient thing to have. 

Right until it collapsed, the pole snapping in half into the shower. All the things just tumbled around me and I'm holding this pole yelling, "Help! Help! Help!" 

I live alone, y'all. Well, with three cats, but they were nowhere to be seen. Any other time, Jet would be holding my hand. Not this time. Nope. I'm standing in the shower, the way I came into the world, holding the shower caddy with a broken pole, surrounded by various bath accessories, screaming for help. I love living dangerously. 

Eventually, I realized no one was coming, thankfully, and took a breath. I assessed the situation and realize the rational thing to do was get rid of the broken rack without getting cut on the rusted pole. It now lies on the bathroom floor. I rinsed my hair and got out of the shower. After I dried off and wrapped the wet hair, I cleaned up all the bottles, brushes, tossed things that were not good, and then I dressed. Well, there was no sense messing up my clothes. 

With an annoyed backward glance, I left the broken caddy on the bathroom floor till morning. Our encounter was traumatizing enough. I wasn't dealing with relocation tonight. 

A Bird in the Hand, Well, The Cats Mouth

 I shared this episode on Facebook first simply because it was there. However, I like to keep track of the drama here. So, here ya go. If you've already read this, you can move along to something really interesting. 

Got sidetracked by drama.  

A tiny bird got into the house. I tripped and fell over the recliner when it flew by. Jet and Kiki went on the defensive. It landed on the desk and Jet was on it in a second. He got it in his mouth. 

I yelled. "NO!"

Mike yelled from the garage, "What's going on!?" 

I yelled, "A bird got in the house! Jet's got it!"

"What?" he yelled back. (He's lost his hearing aid.)

I got up, Jet took off, followed closely by Kiki, followed by me, followed by Mike.

I yelled, "JET STOP!"

He stopped in the hallway with Kiki, but when he saw me he tried to run. I grabbed his tail. Yes, I know. Not cool. But he had this tiny bird in his mouth!

He dropped it. 

I reached down and picked it up. It was so tiny it fit in my hand. It fluttered and flew back into the living room. Jet went after it. 

He caught it again. I made him put it down. I reached down and the stupid bird flew under the bookcase. We couldn't find him.

Mike got down and looked under it with his light. I looked behind. I even took a stick and swept around. Finally, it flew out and into the kitchen. 

Jet took after it. It landed on a water bottle on the counter beneath the paper towels.

Jet was standing on his hind legs, watching.

I grabbed a dishtowel and caught him. 

Mike opened the back door, yelling at the cats to get back. I took the bird out and shook it off the towel. The little thing was so small!

It landed on the patio. We closed the door.

After things settled down, Mike checked the patio. The bird was gone. 

Whew. 

All I can say is, My Life. Eat your heart out.