Thanksgiving & Ten Feet

Thanksgiving Day 2012 started for me at 8:30 a.m. I more or less crawled out of bed. Well, I was upright but I was able to shuffle, in tiny small sliding steps to the bathroom and then to the kitchen. That is what passes for walking for me for about an hour a day. Gradually, I will be able to pick up my feet and actually move my legs forward from my hips,  hopefully without pain. Normal graceful steps don't arrive until around 10 a.m. every morning. I might or might not be able to put on shoes with a heel. That depends on if my feet don't feel broken. 

Today is sunny and the Weather.Com icon says it is 42 degrees out there. I am supposed to have lunch with my fractured family around 11:30 today at a restaurant. Traditions are gone. There is no family get-together for us anymore. We don't watch parades, play games or sit around laughing at each others antics. We haven't for a long time. I no longer cook lots of food and goodies. We will eat and return to our respective abodes. Becca and Sarah will go to her family for the rest of today and tonight. 

The year 2009, the year Jerry died, was a horrible year and every year since it has only gotten mildly more tolerable. I know everyone thinks, "Good grief, woman, its four years. Get over it already." It is easy for you to say. Unfortunately, the very nature of death is unremitting separation. You can never get back what you lost. For the ignorant and shallow I remind you to remember what it felt like to lose your favorite cell phone and you had no way to replace it for a week? Well, multiply that by a million years and you might come close to feeling what normal people feel when they lose actual people they love. If that is a stretch, you're a sad mess. I digressed there but I know someone will read this that just won't get it. 

I've come to hate holidays in a way I never dreamed possible. I am forced to remember years of family reunions where a hundred people surrounded me in this great big bubble and we laughed, talked and ate and laughed and talked and ate. We all went home and felt connected and we could deal with the next year because we'd do this again. And then they all died and it stopped. 

So, I gathered my small family around me and the bubble shrank but we still got together. Sometimes we went to my siblings and we had a bigger bubble and everyone laughed, talked, and ate and felt connected. And then they all splintered off and moved away. I moved actually. So I gathered my small family and we had our own special holiday with each other. We laughed, watched the parades, I cooked and we ate. We played games while Jerry slept in front of the ball games. And then he died and the world shrank even smaller and I realized I couldn't get through the next year.

We've tried to maintain a holiday tradition. The year before he died we began to go out so I would not spend days preparing and cleaning up. I could have a day off. We continued after Jerry died. My sister misses the old way and every year wants to go back. She even volunteered this year to cook. I realized that I didn't really care anymore. 

This year, my son and his wife have divorced. Three people I love dearly are now splintered and drifting away. I look at Sarah and I realize she will never know those hundred people family reunions. She won't know the smaller ones where my siblings and our families get together and enjoy being a weekend of laughter and good food. She won't even have a small family joining hands to give thanks for a year of good things. Maybe years from now she will have a family and she can read some of my stories about what it was and maybe she can recapture it. I hope so because there is a lot of joy back there. There was much to be thankful for and to celebrate.

Why such a depressing blog? Because I want you to think about what you have surrounding you. I want you to look around that table and think. Turn off the cell phone and think about the faces you see surrounding you. Really look at them. Talk to them. Laugh at unfunny jokes today. Tomorrow it won't matter. 

I realized what was important seconds too late. Thanksgiving weekend 2009 was my epiphany. Every year, I remind myself and I re-post that moment for any who may pass this way.


".....I sit in a room that is approximately 9x10. The realization came to me tonight that all that matters of all that we do or say can be found within ten feet of you. And we usually stay close to what we love. But we don't notice it. It is silent and we don't really notice. Unless at some point it disappears. A void opens up.

I suppose the answer would be to look around and see what is within ten feet of where you sit right now. Reach out and grab it. Don't let go. If you do, it will begin to drift away, beyond your reach. Until you can't reach it anymore."

If you do nothing else today, look around and whisper prayers of thanksgiving for all that you have surrounding you. Give sincere and prolific thanks for the blessings of people who love you. Tell them you love them. Thank them for giving you their time, love, and countless hours of frustration, laughter, and joy...to you. Tomorrow, you can go back to your cell phones and endless shopping for a bargain. Today is the best bargain you'll ever have and once it is gone, you can't get it back.

Story Time With Sarah

Prayers of Thanksgiving

Lots of my Christian friends have been doing the 30 days of thanks this month. I didn't elect to do it because I made another commitment and have limited my posts and time spent here. 

In my personal life I try to pray a prayer of thanksgiving everyday. On bad days I may pray a prayer of thanksgiving several times a day. I joked once that when I get in a hot shower I spend the first five minutes  of it saying Thank you God, for hot water. I may have said it jokingly but it is not a joke. I do it. If you hurt like I do, you pray the hot water never runs out. 

So, while I haven't posted a daily "thanks" post every day, I'm thankful for every day and this is how I generally pray on a daily basis. 

"O merciful and Holy God, 

Thank you another day of life. Thank you for every blessing and every trial. For through both you show us your care. 

Forgive us for our sins. Bless our nation with honorable leaders who exhibit integrity and honesty. Bless our people with a desire to seek truth in all our ways and demand integrity of those we have placed in charge of this nation.

Bless those who disagree with my beliefs and forgive those who belittle me for them. Forgive me if I have returned their actions in kind and help me not follow that path. Remind me if I stray and teach me good manners.

Keep me focused on right principles and help me to live what I believe without shame or fear. Give me the courage and strength to stand in the face of challenges to my faith and my character. Help me to always speak truth without shame, regret and without apology.

Let the love of God shine forth in my life. Remove all obstacles that block or dim that light. 

May I spread peace wherever I go. Let peace flow out of me to those who walk beside me. Let it follow in my wake to those who stay behind. And let peace flow ahead of me to those I have yet to meet. 

And let every word be established in the earth.

Amen"

Making Sense

Sometimes making sense of things just doesn't happen. Believe me when I say this. I've been doing it for years. You start in one direction only to end up somewhere else is the most frustrating experience but trying to figure out how it happened is a waste of time.

I've been writing a long time but before I could even write I was creating stories from the Sunday comics. Mama said I'd sit on the look at the pictures and "read" the story. Once I started to write, I'd write stories. At 14 I wrote my first novel. No, I don't still have it. Lost in a move long ago. But I've been writing things a long time. So it shouldn't be that difficult for me, right? Sigh.

I started this NaNo as I have the last six - not knowing what I was going to write. Well, five actually. One year I actually knew in advance. Anyway, generally I don't know. This is the first year it ever scared me. Crazy, right? But here I am 11 days in, nearly three days behind on the word count, with a story that I am not enjoying.

All right, I've got all the advice. It isn't bad advice. I just don't want it.

Change the point of view. This is a hideously painful process. I did it once and while it was the right thing to do, now is the absolute worst time to do it. The ensuing stress is not helpful at all.

Kill a character. While I agree Jim should be killed, once you start killing characters you don't know very well you inevitably find you actually need them later. I'm not into zombie novels so I'll hold off on the murder for just a bit.

Put a polar bear in the story. This actually works, by the way. I've done it. But alas, there is no logical reason to put them there and it would only create further road blocks to go around.

Add another character. Well, this is going to happen at some point but I don't really know what the story is about and so I don't know who to introduce. I already have half a dozen folks wandering around with no purpose.

Give them a purpose. Easy for you to say.

Start a new story. This isn't as far-fetched as it sounds. Um.. maybe it doesn't sound far-fetched to you. Anyway, I might but I'm not eager to do so. I mean, think about it. I've got a story that is stalled and I start a new one, that I also know nothing about, and it stalls. So I start another...well, you see my concern.

To tell you the truth, I'm tired, really, really tired. I think I'm in the middle of a fairly rough fibro flare. I simply want to lie down and rest all the time but I can't. I have to go to work and push through the day and by the time I get home, I'm so exhausted I can't move. I push through everything. After about three days of that kind of activity, I lose my ability to cope and control of my emotions. And I am plunged into a depression that takes days to overcome.

I don't think my writing is improving now. In fact, I feel like it is regressing. When you can't think clearly for days at at time, communication becomes basic and there is a huge problem coming up with the words to express yourself.

There is a part of me that whispers, in the dark when I'm about to go to sleep, that I should just stop writing. Forget the whole thing. Let it go. I'd eliminate a plethora of stress. Besides, I have other talents I can use that I don't struggle with as much.

Stop writing?

How about I stop breathing.

Right.

Write.

Another Weekend Done Done...

It simply flew by! The whole week simply went by so fast I couldn't even see it, let alone remember it.

I've had a lot going on. I nearly backed out of everything on Wednesday. We had another family crisis and we were just feeling the pressure from it. I had no idea what I was going to write for NaNoWriMo and that was due to start at midnight on Wednesday. When I went to bed that night, well before midnight, I still had nothing.

I went to work on Thursday. I had sent out prayer request to every person I knew who I felt would pray for me and I don't mean just a "God bless Dixie" prayer. I really needed someone to fix this mess I found swirling around me.

Thursday at work a phrase I'd stumbled on the night before in my stress induced haze began to take shape. So I spent breaks building on it and I was pretty happy by the time I got to my write-in that night.

Spending time with other WriMos is always energizing. I have a really great group this year. They're smart and witty and just interesting to be around. There were four of us there and it went well for me.

I felt a bit better and some of the family chaos ended and we've made some decisions on how we're going to handle future issues. David will probably move home soon and try to put his own life back together. I'm sorry for this. I just can't fix other people's problems anymore... I guess I never really could.

So, I'm at the end of day 3 of NaNo and I'm about 800 words from the daily count. It isn't where I want to be but as of today, I really hate the story so I'm in a bit of a pickle. It is hard to write what you hate. Once you've invested 5000 words in something you really do not want to have to start over. And honestly, I like the opening scene of the story. But there's no place to go and that is a bad thing.

Tonight, I've got Sarah spending the night. She's been here all day and that's a nice feeling. She went to the morning write-in and was just so good. The afternoon we had a few runs to make and we spent time watching Scooby Doo videos we bought. At the moment, she's been doing some drawing, writing and watching some dinosaur videos. I've done a bit on the story but I'm basically at a stand still.

I got an email today from someone who told me not long ago I used to be the most optimistic. I emailed back and simply said there is nothing to be optimistic about. To be honest, I have no idea who he's talking about. I don't recall ever being an optimist! I've always been the first one to say that the world is not going to get better. Life is going to get harder. People are going to get worse.

Now I'm going to try and get 800 words so I can put the thing to bed.