Long Day Nearly Over

I don't remember any day being this long for a while. I've slept all afternoon. That is so terribly lazy. Tonight I probably will take something to help me sleep if I can't fall asleep. But since I feel so very tired, I don't know that it will be a problem at this point.

If you saw this morning's post you know the day started in a bad way. It didn't get any better but my dear friend, Sarah, from my writing group saw my post and offered to come over and stay with me for several hours. She is just such a wonderful person. To understand this you have to realize that the time she gave me would mean that she would not get to do her three hour writing session. She takes her little boy to daycare so she can have that time allotted for her to write five days a week. He is four and as you most of you know young children are very demanding. Babysitting me meant she wouldn't get that precious time. Still, she came, smiling, and she stayed until she had to leave to get her son. I do not think the morning would have been very good had Sarah not been here. We just talked, mostly about my problems. But just having her here and not having to sit in this house in this silence was such a blessing.

She's just been such a great friend and I just love her. What a gift God gave me when he gave me this writing group. These five people have become such wonderful friends. I tell them all the time how much they mean to me but it seems a small thing just saying it.

After she left, I covered up and lay on the couch watching stuff on the internet for about two hours and then, closed it up and went to sleep. I just woke up. I think I'm starving. I still feel as if I could sleep forever. I know that is just the depression. I'll be ok once I get it under control. I just took St. John's Wort. I've decided that today, hair is of minor importance. I can't live in this darkness forever.

I've called and asked Dave and Becca to come over with the baby for a bit. I am supposed to go to the Y but I'm in such a mess. I don't want to go where there is a bunch of strangers and try to be nice. I have to go to work tomorrow and I'm hoping I will be fine by then.

I'm going for now. I need to get my shower early. I got dressed for work this morning and I've worn those clothes all day. Changing seemed such a chore. I really kept thinking that I'd get all right and could go to work. That passed every time I thought about it. It was terrifying. That's crazy but nears as I can tell you.

Black Monday

All right. It is probably official. I'm severely depressed. The whole weekend was pretty much a wash. I am sorry if you came hoping for cheerful thoughts, good news, or funny stories. I don't have them. I have reached a place where I realize I'm out of answers, out of energy, out of solutions, out of hope.

I don't know why... could it be my life? In general it's in the well. I feel sick this morning. My neck and shoulder hurt and that makes my head hurt. I feel a bit sick on my stomach. And pretty much everything that happened over the weekend served only to drive me into the ground. Hence, the well.

Sometimes there are people you wish you had never set eyes on, never heard of. They are a constant source of pain in every situation. There are also well meaning people who say things that just say the wrong thing with the best of intentions. Both of these just obliterate whatever mantle of control you've maintained. I can deal with the well meaning. It is the fools I don't tolerate so well, less so now.

I've done a bit of writing but not as much as I should. Amazingly enough it has been the only thing that made me forget everything else. I try to pray at times. You'll think I'm even crazier but prayer is dangerous for me at the moment. I can't control the darker emotion enough to even try that. And I dare not go beyond a certain point. All I can really do is say please God, help me.

I was going to work but I called and ask for a personal day. I get three a year. I'm not in a fit state at the moment to deal with that stress. I'm going back and lie down. At least I'm fully dresses... all in black. I guess today it matches my mental state.

Another Snow Day

Snow fell last night. Everything is dusted in white. It is 30 right now and it dropped one degree since I started this!

I finally got to sleep in! Got up at 9:30 and only had a mild shoulder pain, probably because I in an awkward position at some point. I went to bed about nine and watched television shows.I didn't even get online for a couple of nights except to check email and post a blog. I tuned off the computer around midnight.

Then, after lights were out the darkness descended like lead. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Will it every get better or ever stop doing that? When it happens, I can't breath. I can't stop crying. I can't walk. I got up twice because I couldn't lie there. Stuff of nightmares and you're awake. I don't know when I finally fell asleep, probably near two a.m.

Good news is only knee pain at the moment. My blankets were hurting my knees last night. They aren't heavy either. Although I like lots of cover I don't sleep under as much since I got the electric blanket. I have a sheet, the electric blanket, a woven spread with my new spread on top of it. Gives me enough weight to feel cozy and I can set the blanket on a very low setting. Just last night my knees really didn't like it. Sometimes my feet don't either and I have to put a large pillow under the covers near my feet to support the blankets. I know. sounds weird.

I need to get moving now.I need to clean up a few things. The house isn't really messy. Just me around so not much gets out of place. But I think I need to clean off my dresser and change the sheets on my bed.

So, away I go. Hope you all stay warm.

A Week without Pain

I just realized that I've had virtually a whole week with minimal pain. Maybe that is why I've feeling better. My neck, shoulder and upper arm have given me the most problems. I had a couple of days I didn't feel well... runny nose, headache or just felt really tired. But all the other... virtually none.

Wonder how long that will last? The weather is wet and it is still raining. They say snow tonight but I am hoping not. The fact that two low pressure cells have blown thorough and I have little pain sort of blows a hole in my theory of low pressure contributing to the pain. Seriously, go back and browse the blogs. You'll see, despite the stress of the last three weeks that my complaints of pain seem to have bottomed out. I do think I had a back problem about two weeks ago but I really think that is because I was sitting too much at work. But if you ask me what is hurting right now.... the trapezoid muscle and neck to my jaw and cheek bone... all related. That's it.

I'm going to go get a hot shower. Then food. Then, I have about three shows I want to watch. I promised Kat I'd get online tonight around 8. Hope to do that too. I shall do it all enthroned on my bed.

Feeling the Rush!

Did you feel it? That gale force wind that just went through. Yes, that one! What a busy day! I'm nearly done. It is after four and I'm coming up on five with absolute joy.

I'm going home and clean up the dishes but first I have to stop off at the store and pick up some stuff for the writers' meeting. I was going to meet Doug for a sandwich before the meeting but too much to do! He invited the whole group but I think we all are rushing around to get things together and get to the meeting. His wife calls us Doug's Writer's Harem. LOL! She was a real sport about it. Not many women would be so gracious. Takes class to be that way, and in infinite trust. Lucky Doug. Lucky Sharon that she can trust him so much.

I'm feeling better this afternoon, although tired. But I always feel better when the group comes over. I'm lucky to have such a great group of friends. And for the next three weeks we have meetings! LOL, we may be sick of each other by then.... NOT!

Ok, got to go and get the desk organized before I go home. I can't stand coming in to a messy desk. I think somewhere in the photos you will find a photo of my office and my tidy desk. I can't function in all this piles of paper, files and .... junk!

Sometimes, I feel almost normal. I wish it would last.

The Masses

They will start arriving at 8 a.m. this morning. The good thing is that cold, rain, and snow tends to thin the crowd. One can only hope.

I'm not feeling very good this morning. I have a mild headache and am tired. I must have slept like a rock because I don't remember anything after I turned out the light. I was in bed by midnight. Tonight is write's meeting and once that is over I'm going to try to go to bed even earlier. But guess what? I woke up at 6:30. Before the clock. So early to bed, early to rise. I'm not healthy, wealthy or wise. You think it is too soon?

I really just don't feel very good. Runny nose is still giving me fits and my eyes are burning a lot. Not sure what that is but I think it is allergy related. I think the filter may need changing on the central unit. But it could be the RA or fibro.

Ok, work is calling. Got to get going. May not be back until tomorrow.

End of the Work Day

It is winding down. I feel as if I've accomplished nothing. And yet, I've worked solid since I got here. I'm tired and ready to go home. I came in late because of the doctors' appointments. They are probably going to send me back to the orthopedic doctor about my shoulder. They think the pain I have in my arm now is related to the rotator cuff. {sigh} Am I really that old? EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART! Jerry used to say about some of our cars, "It is time to take the radiator cap off and drive a new car under it." I don't think that will happen here. Screw off my head and put a new body... I'm good with that but I'd like some work on the face.

Today I'm depressed. It is dark and gloomy and I'm not looking forward to going home alone. I'll spend my evening writing I think. Unless I spend it chatting or watching something on HULU. Read? I am not really able to do that now. I will be so glad when it gets warm and sunny. I saw pictures today of a sunlit wood and so wanted to take a walk. The nature preserve near my house is a lovely place to go but it would be a veritable bog and cold today.

I'm looking forward to my cruise, so much so I am wishing it was April.

Writer's Meeting is tomorrow night and I'll enjoy the company of my zany group. They are such fun to be around. What lifesavers they have been this last year. Without them and all of you I do not think I'd have survived this ordeal. Certainly not with any sanity intact.

Tuesday in Drab Rags

I do not believe it is another day swaddled in clouds. I'm heartily sick of them. Went back to work yesterday after my four day weekend. Not fun. I was dreading it and I found it just as tedious as I expected. Amazing how that happens.

I have a doctor's appointment this morning at the Rheumatologist at 8:40, and then I have physical therapy at 9:45. I hope the fist gets me in and out in a hurry. Last time I had to sit there for over an hour. This morning, I can't do that. And won't. Waste of my time if they can't get it together. Since they moved her office it is just not efficient.

My aunt and uncle left going home as I went to work yesterday. I missed them before they were out of sight. It is very hard every time they leave, anyone leaves. I do not know that I will ever get rid of this sense of emptiness and aimlessness.

They kept me occupied. Sarah kept us all occupied for a couple of days. She had a tea party on Saturday night with Poppy. I checked email several times over the course of the weekend and I had so many phone calls and emails and people coming on to chat with me I did not have much time to really think. That was a good thing. It felt as if I has all these friends stopping by all weekend. Sunday was so cold and there was so much ice everywhere that we didn't leave the house until noon to find food.

Now I have this hollow place in my chest. I do not think I will ever be able to close it. I could put both fists in it. It never goes away, never shrinks, never fades. It just exist.

Someone asked me a few days ago how I feel now. Odd that structure. Right now I'm depressed and want to crawl back into bed. I'm that way most mornings. I can't. No choices. Compounds the depression. Survival instincts are very hard to snuff out. In this case it would be homelessness and that is probably worse in some ways that death. I can't make it if I don't go to work. I've been very stressed there and it isn't helping. If I'd had any sense I'd have arranged a vacation but they'd have canceled it because of this software thing.

I am a rudderless ship, a kite whose tail isn't long enough, a feather in the wind. My aunt said I'm not getting enough sleep. Going to bed is also something of a chore. I lie there and think unless I'm so exhausted I fall asleep immediately. I'm taking my meds and probably should be in bed by ten. But I'd only be up earlier. This morning, I woke around 6:30 despite having gone to bed at midnight. I'm still not rested even though I am certain I slept hard. I don't think I turned over. I was still on my right side when I woke up. Probably not a restful sleep.

I didn't go to the Y. I have a cold and my nose was running and I've been sneezing. I finally got it under control but I still didn't feel up to snuff. I got on about 8 and wrote with Kat for a few hours. That is always good to keep my mind occupied and this was a bit different. We are working on a joint post. Very hard actually. We've laughed over how hard. If you are writing in first person in separate posts, you both can't do that in a joint post. One of you has to write third person. Kat decided she'd have to do it since I'd already started the post. I told her next time she could do the lead on it and I'd do third. But amazing how difficult it was for me to write my part of the scene and leave her to fill in the blanks without really knowing where it was going. And difficult for her too! Blind leading the blind kind of thing. You'll have to read it once we get it up. LOL, but it is going to be another day at least. We got the rough draft down but we are both certain it needs a review after we've slept on it. So, tonight we go over it again.

I"m off now to go to the doctor's early. Sorry I've been away so long. Just too much going on and honestly, I've been battling the depression and didn't know what to say that would be worth anything. Thank you to all my friend and anyone who popped in that wasn't on my list of contacts. Your notes and comments have been a comfort.

Snow Day!

Another Saturday. And at 7 a.m. my sister who lives here called to ask me if I knew the snow was over the tops of her boots. I was so annoyed. I never get to sleep in! People do this all the time. I'm going to turn off my phone next to my bed. I never get to sleep in for any reason no matter what day it is. I leave the phone on by the bed for emergencies but it isn't ever an emergency.

We can't get out so glad I went an stocked up on some things. I'm going now to make chili and eat. I'll pop in later. We've now taken some photos and will post them after while.

The End of the Day

The day is winding down and I'm stopping in to say thank you to everyone for all the notes, emails, the comments, and blogs on my behalf. Thank you for the prayers. I've checked in a few times and each time was greeted by a special contact.

I've had family with me all day. My sister, my aunt & uncle and my granddaughter. I took flowers to the cemetery but it was bitter cold and the day was gray. We didn't linger. I still can't stand the sight of Jerry's name carved into that stone even now. I carried yellow silk roses. Yellow is for remembrance. I remembered that when I was looking for something to take.

It is snowing now, a steady fall of small flakes. It looks soft and lite.

Sarah was here most of the afternoon and entertained all of us to the point of exhaustion. She went home after it started to snow. We now have several inches and it is 19 degrees!

Now, to bed. Thank you all for being with me today!

Home at Last!

I'm home! My aunt and uncle will be here any minute. My boss did not request I come in tomorrow. I went to him and asked that he please not make me to come in tomorrow. He smiled and said "I'm not going to make you!" I was so relieved. The day has gone pretty roughly for all of us. One error after another that is software related and these people are never available for training!

Anyway, I'm off tomorrow. I did say if there was a disaster that simply couldn't be resolved without me he knew how to reach me. I know, I know! But I in fairness, he has been so good to me this past year. Many times when things got bad he sent me home and didn't dock my pay. I can't complain about it. I do think people don't understand what tomorrow is for me. People are just that way. My friend Carolyn seemed to be the only one who really got it. And a few of the other women I work with who recognized how stressed I've been this week.

Anyway, I'm going to be scarce. I'll have my granddaughter all day if I want her. I'm excited about that. She's just such a joy and lifts my spirits when she is around. So that will help.

I'm going off for now. Just want my feet up. I think they just pulled up.

Thank you all for you prayers. Keep me in them this weekend. Seems so silly to be this stressed over a day. But I can't help it.

Wrong Day

I may have to work tomorrow! I reminded my boss I was off and he said he didn't know if he could let me off. There is nothing I can do for this stupid conversion. Everything is behind. Nothing works right. And I do not want to be here. I'm already feeling down and I just want that day away from this place. I had planned to go to the cemetery and take flowers. It will be dark when I get off.

I worked 4 hours three weeks ago and this was to be my day to compensate me. I'm so frustrated I can't even think. Story of my life.

My Friday

Today is My Friday... It's Thursday and when I get off at 5 today I don't have to go back until Monday. And I'm not feeling well this morning.

I didn't go to the Y last night but stayed home. I watched a couple of shows, one on my living room sofa! Did some surfing at the desk but found my back simply would not stand that. Finally, I went to bed and chatted online with Kat a bit. Then, when I turned out the light, I listened to more of the Graveyard Book. It was a particularly long chapter as it turns out, over an hour! I found myself dozing off with about 15-20 minutes left and not wanting to miss any of it or knock my laptop out of bed, I tuned everything off, put all away and tuned out the light. I lay flat and was asleep almost immediately.

This morning, my back feels a bit better. I'm certain the pain is a result of sitting at my desk so much this week. I'm usually like a jack in the box but not this week. I've not had time for anything but data review and that requires sitting, leaned over your desk and looking from the computer to the paper. Horrendous for your entire back. Since I have back problems at times anyway, it is no wonder I'm having pain.

Today, I'll try to get up more but it isn't promising. Now, must run. I've got to get breakfast along the way. I'm still tired. My aunt and uncle should be here this evening sometime. Pray for good traveling weather for them. It is a long trip and this time of year is not predictable.

Oh My Aching.....

Just got in from work and am relaxing on my sofa in the living room. So nice to be unfettered by the desk. It is a bit chilly in here but I have a snuggly if it gets too cool.

I am supposed to go to the Y tonight but my lower back is really killing me. I think it is because I have spent the last several days tied to my desk at work and not getting up and down as much. I've had this kind of flare up before when we had intensive data entry. It is not good for me.Sciatica flares up if I'm not careful. My leg is already feeling a bit of burn down one side.

I'm so tired I really just want to get a hot shower and relax. Of course the pool is warm but not a whole lot. So, still not sure what I'm going to do.

I'm going now and decided what I will do. Maybe if I just lie down for a bit it will stop hurting. Don't know if I'll be back this evening. Depends on how many aches I have by the time I'm done. LOL.

Hump Day Blues

If the early bird gets the worm what does the late bird get? TO SLEEP IN! And I'm just fine with that. That's why they made McDonald's, so you wouldn't have to grubbing for worms.

Yes folks, it is Wednesday. We're half way TO the weekend or we're half way from the weekend. Whatever you choose. It is freezing wherever you are.

I'm on my way out. Supposed to to go the Y tonight but I truly and honestly need to go to bed early. I watched a couple of shows last night from my bed. LOL, and I listened to another chapter of The Graveyard Book. This is a really good book. I'd say adolescence's book but still listening to the author, Neil Gaiman read it, is just wonderful. Lovely British accent and he does the voices really well. If you haven't read this or heard it, you should visit. I listen to a chapter here and there. Listening to two chapters is why I'm tired. I could get the book from the library and read it but as I said, his voice is just made for reading aloud. I suspect he is a very funny man. Here is the link. The Graveyard Book

Simon is quiet, by the way. I've been getting small flashes of stuff but I really need to get on and brainstorm with Kat. It helps tremendously. I think the back story is complete and now I need to move forward.

So, off to work now. I have physical therapy this afternoon. I don't like the person I got on Monday and I will probably have her all week. Next week I shall schedule early again. Just easier that way.

From My Bed to Your Head

Yipee! Dave got the router going and guess what? I'm writing this from my bed! Yes, I am.

Now, I have a back ache. LOL! I"ll be looking for ways to arrange my pillows for maximal comfort. But, I was able to also watch Castle online ... sitting in bed. Ah, I'm content now. I can leave the study once in awhile.

I probably won't sit up so late now either because I can relax and watch movies if I want instead of sitting in a desk chair.

Ok, enough about my laziness.

I'm tired tonight and have to go to bed soon. Actually, I'm feeling better today. But then, we had sun today. When I got to work, I parked facing the sun... well, I do every day but you can't usually see it! Anyway, I sat there with my eyes closed and let it soak into my face for a few minutes. It was so lovely. I am praying for sunshine through Monday. You might toss in your prayers with me.

I'm going now. I should consider turning out the light.

Snow Dust

If Monday dawned darkly, Tuesday has dawned white. I awoke to a layer of snow on the ground and it is bitter cold, 26 degrees. The mercury dropped like lead yesterday and has pushed farther today. It is a biting cold that pinches your extremities.

Went to the Y last night and am a bit sore in some places but not as sore as I usually am from the other things! I was exhausted last night but still got to bed late. I am not so depressed this minutes and if we could get some sun it might help. I do not have much hope there.

Back to work today to try to learn to use this software. We are getting so backed up and it is so overwhelming. I have all these people coming at me for software questions and I can't answer them. LOL, kind of nice to say you'll have to do what I am doing... learn it as you go. They won't. There are about three of us that will be experts in a year but the rest will rely on those three.

I've asked the kids to come over tonight for pizza so I can see Sarah and so Dave can help me connect my router. I really want to be able to sit in bed and surf the internet or sit in the living room. I love my study but I am staying in this room every minute when I am here either watching television or writing or web surfing. If I can vary that a bit it would be nice.

I have not been able to write the last few nights other than getting the back story down for Simon. That fictional fellow has become much quieter since I began to fill in the background. But I want to go back to the story itself. Kat was asking me last night but I seem to be at a . . . well, call it a pause. I had to clarify somethings in my head.

Anyway, headed for work today. Must leave a bit earlier because of the roads. These folks do NOT know how to drive in this and they tend to be reckless. Snow plows? LOL, the city may have two of them. I've never seen them down here and the few times I've seen any on the road they weren't plowing. It isn't that deep, I don't think. The grass, dead though it is, is visible. But I suspect it isn't going anywhere as long at it is this cold. High is expected to be near 30 today.... brrrrrrr!

Toodle Loo!

Into the Dark

Monday dawns darkly. Very phonetic and so true it hurts your eyes. I can't see a way out of this. I've had brief snatches of diversion over the weekend, thank you Doug and Sharon for Sunday afternoon. You've no idea how very much it helped. And Mike for Saturday. And Sarah got in touch with me last night to check on me. Kat chatted with me a bit, too. All people who have given me so much support. All I can do for them is pray God's blessings on them. My thanks is inadequate but sincere.

But at this point it feels very much like a free-fall. Praying doesn't actually help much. Probably not God's fault.

All very a pretty way to I'm in a pit from which I can't get out. I try and think positive. It will pass. It will get better. All those things that Job's comforters said. I don't actually believe it. I feel absolutely sick right down into my soul. And I'm just tired, not so much physically tired but the kind of tired that caves in on you and pushes you into the floor. I don't know how to explain it. Atlas beneath the world. Bigfoot on your back. Mountains falling on you.

But I have to go out into the dark.

So, I'm dressed for work and the clicking of my keyboard are the only sounds in the house. Darkness swallows up everything else.

Five Blinking O'Clock!?

What is THAT about? I woke up. I do not know what woke me. But I woke up. I'm sitting here at seven a.m. getting the directions to Doug's house before I start to get ready for church. I've been working on the back story for Simon since probably 5:30 or 6! My neck doesn't like any of this.

I did try and go back to sleep but it just didn't work. I went to bed probably around 11:30. Can't really remember. I know that at 10:33 p.m. I copied a file to my laptop. I had taken it to bed with me to try and work on these notes but got so sleepy I finally had to stop. And that was probably around 11:30. I'm pretty sure I went to sleep very quickly. I don't have trouble normally falling asleep once I lie down. Just sleeping well and staying that way.

Anyway, I'm going to go in a short while and get my dress on and get this mop of hair up.

Really this is just beyond me. Do you have any idea how very tired I'll be by 6 p.m.?

Mike and I went to lunch yesterday around 12:30 and then to Wal-mart. I had not done any really heavy work that morning. I had simply paid bills and read a bit. During our shopping trip I suddenly felt terrible. I was so tired all of the sudden and I was dizzy. I have no idea why. It came on slowly... I think the dizziness first. I finally had to tell Mike that I had to go home. I just felt so exhausted and unwell. We got the stuff in and sat around for about an hour and watched HULU and then, I took him home and came home myself and got a hot shower. I didn't do anything but read and watch television. Kat came on line at some point, back from her trip. We chatted a bit and then I went to bed.

Still don't know what came over me. It wasn't pleasant but I know if I had been able to lie down I would have gone straight to sleep. I do not know if it may have been something related to the fibromyalgia or something else entirely.

Ok,enough of this. I have to get back to my writing. Hope you all have a good Sunday. They aren't usually very good for me.

Come Fly With Me!

I booked my flight this morning for Florida in April. I am so excited! I will visit my sister Stuck in the Middle for a couple of days. She will get me to Mobile to board for the cruise. I'll be cruising the Gulf of Mexico to Cozumel and the Yucatan for 5 days and then back to Mobile where Stuck will again pick me up and we'll have a couple more days. Then, I'll fly back here. So, two vacations. My sister and I have a good time when we get to be together. I've told her next cruise will be a three sisters cruise.

I got a flight booked right out of my city so I won't have to drive the 2 hours to Louisville. Originally planned it that way but when I saw the price from Louisville it wasn't that much cheaper and a whole lot less convenient. Joy joy for that bit!

Dad called this week to say he had booked us a tour to the Chichen Itza... I believe that is probably right. He actually said he booked a tour for something that sounded like Chickens. LOL, and I guess it does. I studied Latin American Studies for two semesters and Spanish for two years where you also study the history and culture of this area. So I am quite familiar with the geographical area and history. I'm looking forward to having one dream come true. I wanted to go to this area when I was studying it and had hoped take a trip there someday. So you know I'm more than excited!

I've sat here this morning paying bills and arranging flight plans and now I want to get out and find food. I'm probably going to get Mike. He said, "Mom, I'd like to spend time with you today." Which translates, "can we do lunch on your dime?" LOL, I don't mind. He's good company sometimes and when I need him he's there.

I'm going to my friend, Doug's, on Sunday for lunch and to meet his wife and family. I'm looking forward to that. But I've got to get some notes together. I want to also talk to him about Simon. Doug is really good as a sounding board and has given me some good ideas to work with in the past. We love to talk writing.

So, now I'm doing another type of flying. I've got to dress and clean up a bit and then, hit the road. Back later to do some writing. Kat is traveling today to take her daughter back to college so probably won't be talking to her for maybe a day or so. She has a 10 hour drive round trip and she's going to be exhausted. We batted around some ideas last night and I related a bit about Simon's past that "he just told me". LOL, but it was helpful.

Gone for now!