Week END!

Finally, Friday! What a great idea to have FRIDAY! I'm so glad to see the week over. I feel almost giddy with relief. That sounds crazy but not as crazy as my week. In fact, the boss let us all go 15 minutes early.

I'm not taking my meds so early tonight. I do not want to get up at 6:30 in the morning. I'm on my way to Wal-mart to pick up a few items like milk and juice and bread. I never have any food in the house anymore. I couldn't cook a meal for three if I wanted to! But I do need some items. I'm going to try and spend some of the evening when I get back writing. It is just now 5 p.m. and I'm hoping I can get back her and shower and get started.

I have the purse auction tomorrow and have to get a desert tray. So, it was suggested I get something from Sam's Club and go with that. For a group of 60? We'll see. LOL.

So, off for now. May get by later but not sure. My favorite shows are back on Hulu tonight after several weeks of preempts on television. So, I'd like to watch some of that too.

Only two work days between me and the next weekend!

Lagging Behind

I've reached a word count of 7001 tonight and I've got to go to bed! I'm tired. I am hoping I can catch up and get ahead by the weekend. Or at least be on target for the count. 1667 a day. My current count puts me a day behind. And on the first day I was nearly a day ahead.

By tomorrow I need to be at 10,000 words. You need 5,000 words every five days to make the end of month target. Taking the meds is helping me sleep but I'm just exhausted all the time lately. I wake up feeling ok but by 5 p.m. I'm really running on empty. Once I get the pills in me, by 8 p.m. I need a bed. So, that is where I am folks, lagging behind.

This week has been just terrible where work is concerned. We are all feeling it at work, too. Even my boss, who is usually pretty unflappable is stressed. This software issues, the normal work load has increased because of the firing but we do have a new girl hired. She doesn't start until the 15th but that is something anyway. We have to shift the caseloads around and it will move some off of me. But I'll still have landlord accounts, and I've been warned I am to be the point person for software in our department. I'm really tired of all the extra jobs but none of the extra perks.

Well, enough gripping. I'm thankful for a good job in a very bad economy so I'll hush. I just wish I could stop feeling tired so much. I can't enjoy anything. I'm even too tired to enjoy Sarah.

Honey, I'm Home!

Every hear any of these? I feel like I've . . .

.... been run over by a truck.
.... dragged through a hedge backward.
....been rode hard and put away wet.
....been hung out to dry.
....been turned inside out.
....yanked seven ways from Sunday.
....yanked through a knot hole.
....pulled through a wringer.


You may have some of your own. Please share them in the comments!

All I can say is.... what I said. I'm tired. Gotta find food and 2000 words tonight.

A Word of Encouragement?

My daughter-in-law, Becca, was in the process of cleaning a crayon mark off the wall of my 3 yr-old granddaughter Sarah's bedroom. Sarah walked into the room and Becca said, "Sarah, you've made a mess."

Sarah looked at her mother and said, "That's o.k. Mommie. You'll get it. Don't give up! You're doing a good job."

I understand that Becca instructed Sarah that it was time to retreat to another room.

Mid-Morning Stress

I do not know why I'm so stressed this morning. I'm running around putting out fires. Well, that is what it feels like. And getting nothing accomplished in the process. It is now lunch time and my lunch partner is putting out fires of her own. When I mouthed, "Is he going to let you go to lunch?" She rolled her eyes.

So, what to do?

I am in the mood for Chinese I think but I hate to go alone to a nice restaurant.

I can't even write now and will just have to come back later. I am trying to hang on until next week. I have three days off and it will give me a whole 5 days of no work! Joy, joy!

It's Morning!

Well, the clock says it is. So far it is dark and gloomy out. It was even darker when I woke up at 6:20 a.m.! I beat the clock again. But I was in bed by 10:30 and out of it almost immediately.

Yesterday was so exhausting that when we got done I didn't think I would get through the two hours remaining hours until closing. Once home, I took my meds right away and watched one television show. I wrote for about an hour but did not reach my word count for the night because I was nearly falling asleep at the keyboard! I'm about 600 words short. But, I'm off three days next week and I am hoping to really get some serious work done then so I am ahead of the pack. There is a write in this Saturday but I have a purse auction to be at on Saturday as well and I think there is a time conflict. So, not sure I'll get to the write in.

Anyway, this morning, I'm giving the pain a level 2 again. Yesterday it wasn't bad either by by 10:00 I was dead on my feet and I didn't feel well. I am watching it today and see if that happens again. I don't know if some of my meds are doing it or if it is the fibro or RA. I've been taking these meds for several years and don't recall noticing that aspect before. Not to say it can't happen. I had to stop taking Lipitor when I began to have little known side effects. I'd been taking it nearly 2 years.

Honestly, I think my muscle problems are connected to that period of taking Lipitor. Just my opinion.

Well, since I feel pretty good at the moment, I am going to stop now and get my things ready for work. I was fully dressed and tresses up and had my buttered toast and coffee by 7 a.m. so I've got a bit of time to get my things sorted for work and relax a moment. Don't usually have that at all!

It is now 7:20 and the gloom is shows no signs of lifting. Jilly my flowers are STILL lovely! You got your money's worth my friend. I've had them a week today. LOL! Thank you again for brightening my birthday and my whole week.

Jilly, my sister - Stuck in the Middle, and aunt - Dixie's Aunt, cooked up the little plot. Hmmm, Plot of Flowers. Good title for a book. LOL, anyway, they plotted together and I have been blessed all week with the results = a beautiful blooming bouquet. When the flowers are gone, I'll have the cutes pot! It is covered in colored squares like a quilt and says Happy Birthday, each letter in a square!

So, the day begins on a positive note today. Pray for it to continue. The pain in my arms is probably giving me the most difficulty. I just can't life a certain way, not even a coffee cup!

Oh, do you remember me mentioning my writer friend and former instructor sometime back? He sent me a note yesterday that his only daughter was in hospital after attempting suicide. Please put her on your prayer list for God to touch her. I felt so terrible for him. He is way up north and she is here. I believe he is coming down this weekend when they tell him she is to be released. However, I know he must be going insane with worry. He mother is with her now. His own state of mind has not been that good in the last two years. He's had health problems of his own. I know they could both use the prayer. He makes it sound as if he is an agnostic or an atheist but sometimes, there is this sense that he wants someone to prove him wrong. I have refused to argue the point with him and I think that bugs him no end. But I know who can change things.

He'd be furious to I even mention all this but he is a dear friend but I am so concerned about him and his daughter. So pray for them both. If something happened to his daughter, I do not see him surviving that.

I'm off to work kiddies!

NaNoWriMo Status Report

Cattle Call

Recertifications are all day today. That is where we meet with clients and requalify them for housing assistance. There are 175 to see before 3 p.m. and six of us will do that. I despise these meetings. It is like herding cattle through a chute.

I'm very depressed this morning. I did write last night and am over 3000 words, which is where you want to be but I'm just so down I can't really think straight. I'm sleeping ok. Went to bed at 10:30 and that is early for me! I woke when the alarm went off at 6:30 without a problem so that must be the number of hours I need. The constant tiredness will come back in about two hours. I always feel I need to lie down after that.

Anyway, I'm off to be the wizard, granting wishes and doling out cash to the needy and the lazy. Well, not actually cash but you get the idea. It isn't the needy I mind about.

I wish I could go away again for about a week and sit in the sun. I truly miss the sun. I hate this cold so much. I never get truly warm and everything aches.

Wake Up!

I woke before the alarm went off this morning. I took one of my Doxepin last night and had a really good sleep. I'm getting ready to eat something and head out for work. I really hate working. I want to stay home and write and do things around the house.

Actually, pain is very manageable this morning. Some in the shoulder and a bit in the wrist, hands, and knees but I'd say a 2 on the scale. I hope that last throughout the day. I am going to try and take the Doxepin for a few days and see how much it helps in the long term. I know the pain is the link to the exhaustion. I'm not nearly as tired when I've had a good sleep and pain levels go down.

If it continues to be a problem, I'll be calling for another cervical block to see if I can at least get several months rest.

Writing tonight is a must. Need to get at 10,000 by the weekend. By the 15th I have to be at 15,000 to stay on target. I'd like to be over that to give me wiggle room. So pray for plot bunnies to jump out at me from all directions! LOL, ttfn, everyone.

Jerry would be so excited for me. He wouldn't say much but he'd be in his chair and keep everyone out. I seem to miss him the most in the mornings and at night.

NaNo Write-In

I went to church this morning and left as soon as it was over in order to get to the Panera Bread restaurant by 1 p.m. I had to drop Mike off before I could head over. I had carried my laptop to church because of the time crunch and it was a good thing. I made it as some of my writing group drove up with about five minutes to spare.

All total, with our Municipal Liaison, there were 19 WriMos present. They varied in age from the 50's down to the early teens. NaNoWriMo also has a Young Writer's program where children can participate with a lower word count goal. One person brought their son and another brought her daughter. So, NaNo can be a family affair. The kids have a lower word count goal.

We had news coverage as well. The local Fox 7 News channel did lots of filming and talking with other participants. They asked for anyone willing to be tracked through the whole month. It appears they are going to do a feature after the end of November on one person from day one through the big finish on November 30th. Guess who they decided to follow for the next 30 days? Uh, yeah. Moi. I get to be on television. O.k. no pressure to reach my 50,000 words right? They want to be there when I cross the finish line. Anyone realize that the 30th is on a Monday? I got to finish early enough to get to bed to go to work the next morning!

My son asked why they picked me. I think it may have been because I mentioned I had thought I couldn't do it this year because of the kind of year I've had. I told him about Jerry dying and how it had impacted my writing in the last 10 months, to the point that I haven't done much but the blog. In fact, when I sat down I didn't have a clue. Not until the bell rang to start the first writing session did I even have an inkling.

Did I write anything at the meeting today? Why yes, I did. 2595 words in about 1 1/2 hrs. That's pretty good. Sarah, our ML, did a great job and we wrote in 30 minute spans. I think that was very helpful to get the word count. I may try the timer method at home. She used Tibetan chimes, very pretty sound. She was behind me the first time she stopped us and I nearly jumped out of my chair.

What did I write about? The news guy asked me that. Woman is awakened at 4 a.m. by pounding on her front door. Two policemen say they got a call that a woman was being assaulted at that address. Woman has no idea what they are talking about. She tells them to look around the property. She checks around inside the house. While she is doing that, they knock on the back door and when she goes down, they show her the body of a woman lying on her back porch... dead. She doesn't know the woman.

So, as the day winds down, I'm headed for a hot shower. Hands, arms and knees hurt pretty bad today. I was going to church but instead, I've taken my Doxepin and am planning to be in bed before 10 p.m. I'm calling my doctor tomorrow to get an updated prescription of that. I took it Thursday night and slept really well. I forgot how good a sleep I get with it.

I'll probably be posting a video blog, too but not sure. Stay tuned for more NaNo excitement. Same NaNo channel, same NaNo time... well, not so much. But you get the idea.

Good-by October, Hello NaNo

I am very depressed tonight. I've had far too much chocolate for one thing. It is why I seldom bring it into the house anymore. I just eat and eat it.

NaNoWriMo starts in about three hours and I'm not sure where I'm going with this. It is as if I am walled in and can't see, hear, or feel anything. I don't like it. I have lost so much in the last ten months. Most of it I can't remember.

I said once that I felt as if I were being pulled into the grave with Jerry. There is still that sense of a weight around me that I can't shake. Always the phrase that spins round and round in my head is "I want my life back. I want my life back. I want my life back." It is the sound a train makes as it travels along, or the sound a car makes on those long concrete roads, the sound a rocking chair makes as it rocks on old floors. Eventually, you are just lulled to sleep.

When he began to get so sick, and I failed to see it at the time, I was saying the same thing. I want my life back. He was never awake, never there when it mattered. He was missing so much of our life, of the boys, of Sarah. I saw what it was doing to him but couldn't ever seem to connect it with anything that made sense. I wanted OUR life back. I wanted him to be normal again. I wanted us to be normal. I wanted him to BE him. How could I have missed it all that time? How? Guess it doesn't matter anymore.

November 1 will be here soon. I don't shatter into a million pieces anymore... well, not very often. I don't become ill. . . very often. I don't break down.... very often. There are trade offs, however. I can't think. I can't really afford to feel anything. I avoid memories that otherwise might be pleasant. I don't talk about it more than absolutely necessary. But I can walk through my day with reasonable calm and get home totally wasted from exhaustion. Maintaining a facade is a lot of work.

I believe I've said before that I've always had a knack for acting. Wanted to be an actress growing up. I used to do lots of school plays before high school and did a few church plays as an adult. I was very good at it. Now it is paying off. I pretend my life is normal. I pretend I'm just peachy. I pretend I can function as usual. Everything is copacetic. Jerry used that word a lot in the military. Very satisfactory. Actually, everything is closer to snafu. Situation normal, all fouled up. My life.

So, I will attend the NaNo kick-off party tomorrow afternoon but I do not know if I will do any writing at all. I have nothing to write about. No clue, no plan, no ideas. And tonight, before it begins, I'm just really tired. I'm going to bed soon. It will be along day. Church at 10:00 a.m., Kick-off at 1:00 p.m., church again at 7:00 p.m.. I do not know if I will make it to all of that but must try.

Now, time for bed.

Assault on the Senses

You will note that I have changed my photo background and banner to violently autumn photos. I truly believe autumn is meant to be like that. A violent assault on all our senses.

It slashes our eyes with vivid colors, assails our noses with purely autumn scents, attacks our body with clear, frosty knives of chilling cold. Even our breath becomes white smoke that drifts on a breeze filled with the scent of burning fires. Autumn is an assault on the senses, indeed!

At least it should be. But we've had October blahs and gloom for weeks. Even the last day of the month began dark and overcast. Only now, after noon, had the sun appeared. November rolls in tomorrow and I feel as if I'm missed the fall completely. Leaves are on the ground everywhere and not much of color remains. Yuk.

Still, maybe I should go out and ride around and look for colors. Waste gas, waste time, have my senses assaulted? Why not.



Note: for Blogger and FB users: This post is from my website where the photos are visible.: http://dixiegirlsplace.multiply.com/

A Bat Story

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted in
hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.

"OK!" he said with exasperation. "Follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river, and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down, and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "because I DIDN'T!"


Hope you have a fun weekend.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today was my birthday and it was a special day in a lot of ways because of wonderful friends. My friend at work, Carolyn, gave me a Snuggle because we both read and she knows exactly what a reader needs in the winter! It even has a book light. Carolyn never forgets my birthday. We've worked together for 10 years and just get along really well. Her son died September last year before Jerry died. We've spend most of our lunches together this year. It helps.

I have to say the biggest surprise today was in the form of flowers. I don't get flowers much anymore. Jerry used to buy them when money allowed. So, when these arrived I was stumped.



Imagine my surprise when I saw that my friend, Jilly, sent them to me. I was so thrilled I went all over the building telling everyone. They were all suitably surprised. Jilly and I have been friends now for about three years! We met on Yahoo and I was so lucky the day she added me to her list of friends. Thank you, my wonderful friend.




After lunch, I was at work when I began to have a problem with my vision. I was seeing flashing lights and had trouble seeing any way except straight ahead. I called the eye doctor and they said come in immediately. I did. On the way the flashing lights turned to swirls. I could still see but only straight ahead clearly.

After about an hour of examination, dilation, and more examination he concluded I was having an ocular migraine! I've had this happen once before but it was late at night and I thought maybe I'd over worked my eyes. So I went to bed. This was at work and it freaked me out. He sent me home and said lie down in a dark room. He also said i was fortunate in that I didn't have the headache that often accompanies these.

This is a new thing for me. I do have migraines but have not had but one since I had the cervical block last year. However, I've been having lots of neck pain this week and was even not well yesterday because of the fibro. And tonight, I do have a headache. Right in front along my brow line and in my eye sockets. I feel bruised, as if I've been reading too much. I am going to bed shortly.

My sister brought cake earlier tonight. A carrot cake. Me, Dave, Becca, Sarah, and my sister Phyllis all had cake. Sarah had been with Phyllis for a couple of hours at McDonalds and then the library. They have a large "ship" in the children's section. Sarah said it was "Hoogh". LOL. She also sang happy birthday to me!

Altogether a nice day, despite the discomforts. Thanks to a little help from my friends.

To My Wonderful Multiply Friends

Thanks to all of you for the good wishes on my birthday. They are the best gifts!

My birthday will be spent at work so it will go fast and quietly... that's probably for the best. Not sure fanfares that I'm 53 today are what I want. . . I don't feel that way.

When I got up I didn't have as much pain this morning and that is either because I got more sleep yesterday or because I prayed for relief or both. But today, I feel, in my head at least, like this 20 year old who had been thrown out on her own and doesn't have a clue. It is scary.

Cathy doesn't have her guest book feature turned on her page but if you get a change to welcome her, please do, even if it is in my comments. We've gone to the same church for a long time but only met a few times because her illness keeps her home. I think we've grown closer here! She is very sweet and I've enjoyed her notes and emails. I'm going to arrange a lunch some time so we can actually talk face to face!

I'm sorry you are having so much pain, Cathy. I will be saying a prayer for you today. I put my meds right by my bed. When I get up I take them and when I start to get ready for bed. That's how my time line falls. You might try that with your pain patch. I don't know if it is daily or weekly but having it in the same place at the same time does help me remember. My hormone patch is a weekly patch and I sometimes for get it too!

Again, thanks for the Birthday wishes! I love all of you so much. The last 10 months would have been a very dark place without all of you holding my hand.

Last One Standing

It isn't a good day. I started rotten and hasn't got much better. When the alarm went off at 6:30 I didn't even get out of bed. I simply rolled over and called in sick. I hurt everywhere more than anywhere else, as my Mama would have said. I did not get on the floor until after 10:00 a.m. And then, I still didn't feel well. I was so tired and achy that I couldn't face a day at work. I found it was raining. . . again.

Now, as bedtime nears, I am still tired. I despise this disease. It saps every ounce of strength. I think it is because you are so busy struggling to deal with the pain and function that you just wear yourself out.

I cleaned up the living room and did laundry between reading and doing my bank statement. The writer's group will be meeting here Thursday night.

I had a prayer meeting sometime in the middle of the day. Don't know that it helped the pain but couldn't hurt. I'm a bit depressed as well so I guess it is all just part and parcel of the same thing. Saturday night when I asked Sarah whose photo was on the shelf, she said, "That's Pawpaw. He's gone to heaven. I wish he would come back to me." I do, too.

It would be bearable if you could stop missing them. If you could just flip a switch and stop wanting desperately to see them. But then you think how disloyal that thought is. You must not love them if you want to stop missing them. You must be cold indeed if you want to forget. And the pain in your chest is just this huge bomb waiting to go off when you realize you don't want to forget or to stop missing them, or even stop hurting. If it doesn't hurt I must be insensitive. If I forget I must not have cared at all. If ... if... if

It is the power of death that you feel. The unassailable power you can't stop or deter. That can come in and sweep away an existence as if it never existed and leave not even a footprint in the sand. It can't be stopped by any one of us. There is no weapon that can halt his actions. You begin to look at every person around you and think, "They could be next!" or "I could be next!" You look at children differently, your own and others.

You realize how very important continuity is to humans, the desire to live on, not necessarily forever, but in your children, your grandchildren, and their children. You look at the last survivor of your line and you have this sense that you will truly be dead when that last one is gone.

For those of you who've done family trees, you know what I mean. You trace that tree for one purpose. To anchor you to something, to make a connection to the past and carry it through to the future is some how comforting and gives us a sense of security and belonging. It is a sense of continuity, that you will survive somewhere. That in the future, someone will be born with your eyes, your hair, your nose or your flat feet. It doesn't matter as long as your DNA goes on.

I've seen children who do not know who a one of their parents is and the sense of being an outcast or reject is so powerful to them. They can't trace one half of themselves and their children can't as well. They struggle for an identity. It is torment for them because they can't ever know. They suffer from a sense of incompleteness.

I never realized how powerful that connection to family could be until mine began to die off. With my husband's death, the sand began to race with an incomprehensible speed. Now, I see my small Sarah alone and with no connection to her past left when I am no longer here. My oldest son has no children. My youngest in all likelihood will have no more. Only if God is gracious to us, will Sarah have children of her own. And I know how she will feel at that point. She will wish we could all come back to her.

I wish they could all come back to me. Tonight, I am the last one standing. It is a terrible feeling.

Weekend Over

Aunt and Uncle are on their way home. They were up for the weekend to celebrate my birthday and my sister, Phyllis' birthday. We had a lovely time together. My sister, Phyllis went to church with us on Sunday and prayed back through to the Holy Ghost! She really got a wonderful touch from God.

Got an electric blanket for my b'day and the last two nights I have not frozen or woken up stiff as a board. Still have pain but much better mobility. So, I'm hoping the winter will be a bit easier for me.

I'm ready for work and will be leaving in a short time. I hate having to work. I never get over it. I guess it is from all the years I got to stay home and take care of my kids and be a homemaker. Mostly, I think it is mostly that I'm just tired all the time. I know that is my fibro causing that but I keep hoping it will get better at some point. Odds are it won't. Sustaining the energy is a real problem.

Had Miss Sarah most of the weekend, as you will have gathered if you've watched the movies I posted. She is such a funny doll baby. She went to church last night and was a bit wired up but went to sleep in the service. She didn't want to go home afterward but with me working, I can't keep her overnight except on the weekends. By the weekend, I'm nearly wiped out. I hate that most of all. I want to keep her overnight so bad. But my concern is she won't stay and I'll have to get up in the middle of the night and take her home. That'd be very bad for me.

Anyway, got to head out. Hope you all have a great day.

TGIF

Finally, Friday if here and it isn't a moment too soon for me. I'm so tired. Every night this week I've gone to bed a little earlier each night. I'm still tired this morning despite going to bed at 10:30! When I get tired, I get very upset and depressed so it hasn't been a great week. I keep getting these urges to pick up the phone and call Jerry. It just drives me nuts. This week that hasn't been as bad as last week because I'm so tired I can't think straight.

Dixie's Aunt and Uncle are due to arrive sometime this afternoon. Not sure when exactly. They will spend the weekend. My sister and I have a birthday this week. Her's is today and mine the 28th. They come to celebrate with both of us.

I'm on my way to work. All day training today means I'll be dead on my feet when I get home. If I don't get back for a few days, everyone have a wonderful weekend.

Sunday Aches and Life Sucks.

I woke up this morning in pain. So, what else is new?

Everything hurts. I did not go to church. I tried to call the youngest son to see if some of them would come and drive for me but no one answered the phones. I didn't even try Mike. He never gets up and I am tired of calling and calling to ask.

So, I didn't go.

My hand, arms, shoulders, knees, feet and legs hurt. Some is caused by my carrying Sarah a bit in the mall yesterday but the cold is the greatest contributor I suspect. This time of year is a nightmare for me. My hands are cold and my feet are cold, despite thick wool socks my sister bought for me. I can only imagine how cold they would feel without those!

I sleep in sweats and I've not even got dressed all day. Shoulders hurt when I try and reach up to get anything above shoulder height. My knees hurt when I walk. They feel like they are froze, too. Everything just feels stiff and locked up. Muscles in my calf and upper arms are sore.

I'm miserable and I hate this. I can't stand living like this. I can't do anything. My brain is in a constant fog. I'm always tired. I manage to get through my work day but I'm totally wiped out by 5 pm. I can't go anywhere and do anything for long. Once I sit down, I'm done.


I want Jerry to come and just sit next to me. I just want him to come home. I'm tired of this.

Survivors

Many of my readers have repeatedly said that they didn't know what to say to someone experiencing grief. My own situation has caused me to look at this in a different way and far deeper than I ever imagined I'd want or need. As I've become able to function more normally, I've found myself fascinated by a paradox.

A vast majority of people across all cultures believe that death takes that person to a better place. This is supposed to give comfort to those left behind. Honestly, it doesn't much. But if they've gone to a better place, it does leave the survivors alone in a hell not of their making. Those not affected by it simply stand on the edges, watching the struggle. The grief-stricken are left alone to claw their way back to the land of the living. For truly, a part of you has died and left to your own devices, you may very well die, too. I can tell you, I felt as if I were being pulled into the grave with Jerry. And nine months later, there are days I still do.

If the bereaved is not to blame for the death of the person, why does the rest of the world spend so much time making them feel they've done something wrong? People won't talk to you or listen to you. They barely speak when you approach them. They don't call or come around. Yet, if you stopped them and asked them, they'd automatically put it back on you, the bereaved with "Why didn't you tell me?" or "You should have called me."

There are things you need to know about these Survivors of death. The bereaved can barely walk for months. They don't see things right in front of them. I've run numerous traffic lights in the last seven months. I've probably run three in my entire 53 years, until now. I absolutely didn't see them. Ask Mike. He's been with me twice.

The bereaved can't remember what day it is. They don't remember if they paid the light bill. They don't remember if they went to the store, despite finding the milk in the laundry room. They forget to take medications. But they are expected to remember they need solace and call for it as if they were ordering pizza?

Rest assured, they have trouble remembering their address at this point. They won't remember your phone number or even your name at times. Particularly if you never bothered much anyway. I have a basket of small notes with phone numbers on them taken from the answering machine over months. Some don't have names on them. I knew who they were when I wrote it down....

I remember nothing but bits and pieces of the the first three months after Jerry died. Most of those have to do with times I fell apart and couldn't get up out of the floor. Or they were the trips I took out of town to be with people who could look after me for a while and pick me up out of the floor. Or they could make me not think about what was happening to my life. I remember trying to get ready for work one morning and suddenly, doubling over and screaming over and over, unable stand or to breath. I was only able to sob uncontrollably.

For two months after his death I was afraid to go to sleep at night. I was afraid I'd die in my sleep. It was horrible to even lie down and think about letting go so I could sleep. As a Christian, this is a terrible feeling. We aren't supposed to fear death! I don't know if it is normal. If other people feel that way, they don't tell it.

On top of that, the darkness is the best movie screen ever designed. Every scene is played back for you in living color. If you witnessed the death, as I did, you see it again, and again, and again. You hear the sounds they made in those last minutes. You see the empty eyes. Simple sounds take on new meanings. You see that last day over and over and wonder what you could have done differently that MIGHT had altered the course. Change one thing and everything changes.

Survivors, wondering if they had steered a bit more south they'd have missed the iceberg. Survivors, just like those committees who go over wreckage with a fine toothed comb, go over every detail of our lives and the death to discover what happened and if we could have stopped, slowed, reversed, prevented it all.

Most of us are left wondering, clinging to the wreckage, holding a shirt with the scent of a memory. We are Survivors and we're left with only questions.

Monday Morning Blahs

Been battling depression all weekend. I'm tired this morning and have to get out of here to work shortly. I wanted to try and write a post before I left. It is on of those days when I just want to go to bed and stay there for the day. Gloomy skies right now but could be because the sun hasn't really got past the horizon yet. It is 7:15 but my weather monitor says it is supposed to be sunny today.

Anyway, I'm off the the mines to dig. I really will be glad when I have a couple of weeks vacation built up. Thankfully, November has three days free ones coming up so maybe I can hold out until then. I hope so. In 19 days Nano starts and I'm no where near ready.

If you all wouldn't mind, say a prayer for me today. I did get to church twice yesterday but it was really hard to sit through it last night. And coming home is always so difficult. I have to stay occupied until I'm so tired I can't stay awake and then I went to bed and had flash backs there in the dark. I hate those. Waking nightmares, that's what they are. Anyway, they tend to drag me down pretty quickly.

Small Joys

Surprises come in many places and things. Life is often filled with one sort of surprise or another and a good many are not good surprises. But it is the little things that often bring the greatest pleasure and warm our hearts.

Today was another busy day at work and one thing after another until you begin to feel like one of those ducks in the shooting gallery. Back and forth with some rube taking potshots at you. I'm so tired. And to end the day there were problems with something they need for the computer changes we are making that I can't deliver and I told the person last week what we needed and she did nothing to get that information. And she took two days off this week knowing she didn't have it. So, I gladly left it until tomorrow when she will return. I suggested that the person heading all this up, the Director of Capital Funds, a man with no personality or tact, speak with her about it. {SMILE}

I came home dragging my feet. I got my mail, unlocked my door and sat down my bags. Junk mail from the credit card industry, sale paper, and a small card..... a postcard. I like postcards. Somehow they just feel special and exotic to me. Someone picks them out specially for you and thinks about you as they pay for it and as they post it. That's special.

This one has a photo of some interesting old stone buildings... at least some of them look like old buildings but they're well cared for. It is a bright sunny day on a city plaza in some faraway place. There are tall chimneys and church spires. I flipped it over and read and smiled. And that lovely warm feeling that good surprises give you spread through my soul and the day's troubles fell away.

I have such lovely friends in far away places. Thank you, Jilly, for thinking of me.

Sunny Monday

Woke to a very beautiful day but it is just too cool to my liking. I want warm sunshine, not the refridgerated stuff. Pain is fairly high as a result of the cold. I no longer have Jerry's warmth to shelter me at night and so I've had to put blankets on the bed and wear woolen socks. I still just get so cold.

I don't want to turn the heat up too high but I don't see how I'll manage if I can't get it regulated at night. We always turn the heat back at night and it was fine but I see now that it probably won't be anymore.

I've going home to night and work on that kitchen floor. I would like to have a couple of things taken care of before Thursday night. The house is presentable... more or less. At least the room we will be using is. LOL, and the kitchen will be better when I'm done. It really is a wreck.

I don't want to work today. I hate days like that where you have to be here but you'd rather be somewhere else. My stomach is a bit grumpy for some reason. I didn't want lunch.

One of the members of our writing group has that terrible cold and says they've told her she has pneumonia. I hope she can join us.I wonder... I could set up a webcam if I had a router for the internet and she could join in virtually.... Hmmmmm. Have to check that out.

Well, back to the mines for now. I don't know if I will be on tonight or not. Lots to do after I get home. If not, I'll see you all later.

My next video blog will be the grand tour of the house. I told you guys I was going to do it. I took my computer all over the house and filmed the rooms. I may borrow Becca's camera and do a video instead. Have to see. Anyway, tour coming.

So far, people have responded well to my hair curling video. Everyone seems to have gotten a laugh from it and that's good. 'Specially since the follow up video has me looking gorgeous.

On A Sunday

You go to church with your family and then to lunch. That's what I did this morning. I'm home now and deciding what to do with the afternoon.

I am down in my back, as the old folks say. My sciatica is making threats to knock me off my feet. I still have to paint that floor and I intend to do it before Thursday. My shoulder is not happy either but I think that is more because I've not been very faithful to my exercises for that. When I do them, it doesn't flare up as much. I've done them here and there lately. I just can't find 15 minutes twice a day!

I'm going to church tonight a bit early. I've been asked to help with our annual turkey giveaway. Our church does a turkey giveaway every year. This year they are doing it a bit differently. They are having a church service where people will register to receive a free turkey. This will eliminate the long lines of cars and waiting. And it will be an opportunity to feed souls as well as stomachs. They never turn anyone away at the giveaway until the turkeys run out and I was told today they've never come up short. This year, those needed turkeys will have to preregister, attend a special service at the church the week before, after the service, they will received a get a ticket with their registration number and they will take that to the church the day of the giveaway. I suspect it will be less work on giveaway day than it has been in the past.

I will be working the computer during the special service. We have a monitor that puts scripture and the songs up for everyone to see. All the people who usually do it are either singing or working in some other capacity. One of the women working on the committee suggested they ask me to do it since I used to do it in the past. Actually, I haven't done the overhead in about two years. Anyway, I told her I'd help so I know you will all be thrilled I'm doing something besides complaining about my life.

This won't be an easy task. Our computer is in a sound booth at the top of a very steep stairway. One reason I stopped doing the computer work was the climb to the top was just difficult and coming down just as bad. Initially the computer was on the first floor and it was no problem. Now, I just hate going up there. But one service should not be so bad, I guess. I told a friend of mine about it and said, I could crawl up and come down on my butt.

I'm going now. I'm going to roll my hair and try and get it into something besides a bun tonight. I get sick of it but the thinning has left me little choice if I don't cut it.

I'll be back again. I've got a video from yesterday with Miss Sarah Cheyenne. You'll all love it. She's quiet the Lady of the Manor is Miss Cheyenne.

Saturday Night Live

Sarah has gone home.She was carried out, sound asleep, about an hour ago and is now in her own bed asleep. We had a nice afternoon and MawMaw is tired too and her back is probably out. No, I didn't play that hard. I was painting my kitchen floor. Yes, I was. It is horrible and brown porch paint is no where near as ugly as my ancient lino.

Had to go to bed last night and yes, my back is not happy this morning. I am dressed and on my way out the door to get Mike for church. Dave and Becca and Sarah are supposed to be going with me but we will see when I get there.

I'll be back possibly this afternoon but I really want to paint the rest of that floor. It looks so much better this morning where I did one section.

See you later.

GOOOOD MORNING, MULTIPLY PALS

I hurt in a lot of places but not all over. And I am on my way to work. I'm not even going to put up my hair. I am hoping to pick up Sarah afterward and do some things with her today.

I will be back this afternoon and hopefully have photos. Chili night was good, although I didn't want the chili after it was done. The movie was Thin Ice with Tom Selleck. Very good movie. Mike rented another Ted Dekker movie but we didn't watch it. I was very tired and it was nearly 9 p.m.

Lord that sounds OLD from a person who used to be able to sit up until 1 a.m. studying for finals and ace them at 9 the next morning.

Ok, more later. Have a good day or evening, depending on what time-frame you are located in.

Chili Movie Nite

Mike and I are getting ready to do our Chili Movie Nite. He's gone to buy the fix'ins since I didn't have enough in the larder. And then he'll pick up the movie while I fix the chili.

I did have lunch with my writing friend, Doug. We went to a Chinese restaurant roughly between where we both work. We batted around some places but I got the impression he likes Chinese and since I do to that was what we agreed on.

The lunch went well. It was really nice to sit and discuss writing styles, methods, and concerns. We are both looking forward to this writing group. We discussed what we thought we would gain from it and we discussed the first piece of writing we've been given to critique.

As I mentioned, we met last November and since then, we've only emailed here and there to just stay in contact until this November. One thing we both agreed on is that to really stay charged up about writing you need to be able to connect with other writers who love it as much as you do. He has a rather large family- four children and a wife. WIth a job and a family that size, writing can often get shuffled to the back burner and if you don't have a way to stay focused, it gets cold. I think the group will really benefit him.

As for me, you all know my motivation for doing this. I need my sanity. But I also need the contact with people who love writing. I enjoy talking about it and I like sharing information and ideas. I don't have the kind of distractions Doug will have but mine are far more insidious.

My husband was very supportive of me and the writing. He never said much and didn't complain about it in any way if I wrote for hours. I was so fortunate to have someone who just wanted me to be happy. How very foolish that I wasn't always happy. We are so blind to what we have. Always looking for something to get better. Never content with what we've been blessed to have. I was given a great treasure and I treated it like an old pair of shoes. Not like my special shoes I wear and take care of and am so proud of and love to show off.

I'm not going to go down that dark path right now. I have managed to keep my mood a bit lighter the last two days and I don't want to lose it. I have to work tomorrow and I don't want to go in after a bad night.

I will pop around again later if it isn't too late.

Windy Friday

I am at work and listening to a howling wind whistle through the crack in my window. I just got up and managed to force it completely closed. It was causing a terrible draft, too.

The weather has turned off very cool. It is 61 degrees out right now at 11:10 a.m. I suppose Fall is finally here but I am not ready for it. I've been having a problem staying warm. I've piled a quilt on my bed. I don't have Jerry to snuggle up to if I get cold. I will have to break my sweats out early to try and stay warm. I woke up with pain in my shoulders, feet, knees and hands. The cold just really makes it worse. I'm concerned that I will have to keep the house warmer but I've decided to get some carpets put down and that will help a bit.

I am going to lunch with a writing friend, I think. I got an invite a bit late and had to juggle things. Doug, from the writing group works here in town and we talked about it at the meeting last time I saw him. He asked if I ever take lunch out and I said yes. So today, he emailed me an invitation to meet up at a restaurant near both our jobs. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm trying get out more during the my days to meet and talk with people. I've had a couple of other people I know but have never gone to lunch with ask me about my lunch hour. So, I may have busier lunch hours in the future. It would be nice. Breaks up my day and gives me something to think about besides myself.

I'm thinking about trying to paint the bedroom this weekend. I am supposed to work but it doesn't take long to paint a room. The windows will take a bit but not the rest. Then, i want to have a carpet put down. I also want to paint that hideous kitchen floor to cover it up for the time being. I think I'll feel better if it looks better!

Ok, I'm going off for now. I have to see if I'm actually meeting up for lunch or not. We've just sort of emailed suggestions about where and nothing is definite yet. I have a date with Mike tonight to watch a movie and make him some chili. He said he misses my chili. Since it is cold out it is time for it. I like it, too so that will be good.

I'll be back later tonight.

Passings

It has been a difficult day. Jerry's sister, Sandra, called this morning to tell me that their 1st cousin, Janie, had died overnight. She's been in the hospital for about a week but there was no indication it was fatal. Sandra had called days ago to tell me that Janie was in the hospital with what they thought had been a stroke but was in fact fluid around her heart. Sandra had talked with her and she thought she was doing fine. Mike called me a while ago and said now they think that is was a brain aneurysm.

Janie was like a sister to Jerry and Sandra. She is devastated and it brought so much to the surface for me. She has so little family left. Just the baby brother and they are not close. I felt terrible for her. I am blessed with six brothers and sisters and I am so very thankful for each one of them. I too loved Janie. My husband just adored her. She was a laughing, funny woman.

I think I must have known something last night. I saw Sandra's number on my phone when I got home from work and I thought in my mind, "I'm so sorry Janie died." But she hadn't at that point. So I told myself that was a silly thought that Janie wasn't dead and that they would call me if something happened. And I went to bed. But she did die that night.

So, my day has been terribly depressing.

I sent an email to my assistant pastor a few days ago about people asking me about Jerry and seeming not to know he was dead. He called me today and we talked for quite a time. I just told him how very difficult I've been having it. He was very shocked by people asking and couldn't understand why anyone would not know. I told him to imagine how I was feeling. He said he would try to insure that people were made aware but he still couldn't understand why they weren't already.

I also told him how isolated I felt and how in all the months since Jerry died the only people I talked to were my family and people I work with and those of you here. As I said, we talked for probably 45 minutes and I told him I was not trying to criticize him but that I was in a terrible place. He did apologize because he said he felt like they had failed me. I didn't point out obvious things. I believe in forgiveness and I try very hard not to ever hold grudges. As I've said before, the people in my church are good people. I told him that I understood that part of the problem was that a lot of people simply don't understand how very terrible this sort of thing is.

I also told him that people like me need to talk. It is like a festering wound that will only heal by getting the poison out. I told him that I would probably feel much better this afternoon simply because he was listening to me and letting me say what I had to say. He prayed for me before we got off the phone. And I did feel better in the afternoon. Not great but better. I'm terribly sad and hurting but I'm not overwhelmed by it.

I just called Janie's son and left a message for him. I know better than anyone there are no words that will help. You just have to let people know how much you care and not forget them when the funeral is over. Fortunately, Rickey's wife and I chat online every so often so I stay in touch with them.

So, now I'm going to get a shower.

I Don't Know If I Can Live With That

I've decided there is no use in pretending that I am better, getting better or will get better. It is too exhausting to keep it up. I'm just worn out with it.

I'm good at hiding behind a shield of work and busyness. I don't think much as long as I'm running on full speed ahead. But it is there, that looming darkness that I keep shoved behind the door, beneath the desk, under the bed, in the closet. The effort involved in keeping it at bay is just overwhelming.

I sat tonight and wondered how badly I really want to even deal with this anymore and realized I don't. I'm tired and sick of dragging myself through this house.

I talked to a nurse today at my Reumatologist's office. Her mother died in October and she said she was so angry at people who were happy. I told her I understood. We chatted for a bit on what she was going through and comparing our experience.

I, on the other hand, am bitter. I was happy once. I had all I ever wanted. A family. My children and my husband, our home was all I ever wanted. Only in the last six or seven years had things begun to really just fall apart. Jerry lost several jobs. He was sick. I was sick. The boys were insane. Mike's marriage broke up. Dave ran away from home and brought back a wife. Mike lost his disability benefits and can't find work. Dave can't keep a job. Sarah sick all the time. Just everything piling up until Jerry just broke under it all. I am caving under the final onslaught.

This woman has no other family. She is alone in the world with only one child and no husband. And I knew that the weight of that must be so horrible for her. I wanted to cry for her. I have this terrible fear that something will happen to my sons or Sarah and I will have nothing left at all. My whole life will have disappeared. It will all have been lived for absolutely nothing. A lifetime lived for nothing! It won't mean anything at all. Pointless. It will never have existed.

That is probably the most horrible consideration of all. That everything was meaningless. All the struggles and stresses and successes, grief, heartache, pain, and even joy will have been to no purpose and there would be no reason to have ever done anything or struggled so hard to survive. We could have sat back and done just whatever we wanted and not worried about tomorrow at all. We could have spent our lives taking whatever enjoyment we wanted. None of it would have mattered anyway.We could have lived much happier lives and probably longer ones because of not worrying so much.

Death is a leveler. He smooths out the bumps and wrinkles, and cracks in the field. They become nothing but chicken scratches in the dirt. You're left standing in that smooth, flat field and realize that you aren't important at all. You're here and you'll die.

You know that story called The Dash. About a preacher saying the dash between your date of birth and date of death is the life lived between. In essence, it tells about making days count and doing things that leave a mark.

But in truth, when you stand at the edge of a grave, the dash IS ALL you see. You can't escape it. The dash is a dagger, a sword, a sharp knife that inflicts a million razor cuts to your flesh and you end up in a heap on the floor, bleeding your life away. You reach a point where you begin to realize that the only thing you know for certain are those two dates on either side of the dash. The beginning and the end. What happened in between is erased and doesn't exist at all anymore except in memories and photographs. Or in journals if you were wise enough to record them. My journals were totally self absorbed and I will be burning them in a few months, probably on the anniversary of Jerry's death. Might as well erase it all. It doesn't really matter anymore because it doesn't exist. The purely metaphysical would say nothing exist and now I'd probably agree with them. Even the Bible suggest we're nothing but vapor.

Another woman I spoke with last night, the one who sent me the photo, lost her husband maybe six years ago. She is probably my mother's age and they were married a long time. She has children and grandchildren. She said, "It never gets better." Her pain doesn't stop. She sees him in the young man who plays the guitar in a church she attends. "He sounds just like George." She sees him on the platform playing the guitar when she comes to visit our church. She lives 50 miles away and can't come often. I know what she feels as she sits there. Her heart is ripped thorough her chest, twisted, and stuffed back in with no regard.

"It never gets better."

I don't know if I can live with that.

A Discovery

Someone sent me picture of Jerry from an old church picnic. He was slimmer an his hair not so thin. He looked so very alive.

There are no fires in hell.

Once through the gates it's just endless dark that scalds you from the inside out.

Back to Work I Go

The weekend is over.

I am resigned to Sundays being the most miserable day of the week. Never thought I'd say I was glad to see a Monday.

I never thought there would be a time in my life when everything was lost that mattered.

I'm going to bed. I'm tired.

Hie Ho, Hie Hoe!

I'm off to work for three hours at the office. I really need to but really don't want to. The piles of paper on my desk are unreal.

I'm less depressed today and when that happens, one begins to hope for light at the end of the tunnel. It is a miserably gray day, nonetheless. I've been praying for sun. I can't stand this gloom any longer! I hate the weather here. I always have. A week in the Sunshine State is not conducive to a happy return to the Depression state. My childhood is filled with sun. All the years prior to 1988 are also sun-filled. That is the year we moved here and darkness crept over the face of the deep. 9 months of the year it is gloomy. No wonder my vitamin D is deficient. No wonder my depression worsened.

Anyway, I've got other things to do as well. The yard is knee high. But after a week of daily rain and wet conditions, that is not going to change soon. Heavy trash pick up came on the 21st and some of the bozos who go through it before it is picked up stole my trash can. Idiot, did you really think I was tossing a perfectly good trash can? It was there because trash pick up was the previous Wednesday and I had only just got back to town!

So, I'm off for now and may be back in a few hours.

Writers Meeting

I attended the first meeting of a new writers' group tonight. There were five of us who showed up. Doug is the only male and I met him last year at one of the NaNoWriMo meetings. There was also Sarah, our apparent leader and very nice lady. Katie and Kathy and my self rounded out the group. We don't have a name yet but it started off well.

It was nice to sit and talk to other people about something I really love and to hear their ideas. We spent most of the time outlining the structure of the group and meetings and deciding when we would meet. We've decided on every two weeks. Sarah will be checking into places we could meet besides Barnes and Noble.

When I left I realized I felt better than I have in a couple of days. I know that much of my depression is from being so isolated and having no contact or diversions. I'm not a really a very social person and I don't really like going places alone. I don't like shopping either, particularly alone. So, there is limited number of things that will be of interest to me. Before he got sick, we always planned day trips on the weekends. We liked doing yard work together too. We did everything as a couple until he began to get sick. Then, more and more I was left alone to do what I wanted. But he was still "here". I wasn't completely alone. Not like this.

So, I am glad that this group is going to be meeting twice a month. We will be reading each other's work during the week via email and meeting to discuss and critique it. That's a difficult thing to do but I actually like that kind of thing. I loved editing papers in college for friends and I got asked a lot. I would have loved to be an editor some where.

We will be meeting two nights a month that I have something to look forward to and reading the material and thinking about it will give me something a bit more positive to occupy myself with. Less darkness perhaps.

I'm tired. The week has been absolutely exhausting and I'm now so far behind at work. I was behind from vacation. I got in deeper when I had to take extra work after they fired the other girl. I had a move briefing yesterday, met with a landlord about an hour, training for four hours today. And I have yet another meeting tomorrow. Software meeting. I will be glad when they get the transition done. I'm tired of being our department expert. I'm scheduled to work three hours on Saturday overtime to try and catch up on some of the backlog. At least I get time an a half for that.

So, off to bed for now unless I find something on Hulu to watch.

You'll Get Your Quilt

This is from my GCFL.com joke of the day. Very cute.

Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared; you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what what morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, "Be not afraid; thy comforter is coming."

Counselor Follow-up

I saw Dan tonight after work and he wants me on Prozac. Figured that would be his decision. Of course he offered all the usually "you don't have to stay on it forever" platitudes. I know he means it. But I've yet to meet anyone who ever got off prozac. If they did, they simply went to another antidepressant.

So, I am supposed to ask my doctor to prescribe it. I've no desire to do that. I will not become enslaved to this crap. People have been dying and surviving grief for thousands upon thousands of years, without the aid of mood altering drugs.

I pointed that out to Dan. He said yes but some of them just went to bed. I, it seems, don't have that luxury. Well, I'll have to figure out something else.

He said I could take it for a month and if it didn't work I could stop taking it. No problem. If it worked? Oh, well, in six months or a year I could stop taking it and see how I felt. Right.

And when I hit bottom after I go off it and decided I want to die instead of live without it? Well, I could go back on it if I'm not cured.

Right. That is NOT going to happen. If I'm going to be depressed in a year why bother? What happens if I have a change of health insurance that won't cover it? Then what? I have to learn to live without it? Yep.

So, how is all this an improvement? I'm functioning. I'm working. I'm going places. I'm just miserable without my husband around.

It took a vacation to realize I'm under too much stress with "normal" living on top of the tragedy of losing Jerry. My kids are a mess and constant source of hurt and worry. My job is stressful because of added responsibilities since they fired a girl. I've got concerns about Mike. I'm concerned about Sarah getting this flu. Mike getting it. Me getting it. Ad nauseum.

So, a little pill will keep me from worrying about it all. And when I go off of it there will be NO side effects? No, of course not.... well, that's what they say.

He said I was illogical.

He said I had irrational fears.

I told him that next thing I'd be committed.

He said no because I wasn't crazy.

Well, that's comforting.

Today is Wednesday... Yes it is.

I have to be in court this morning for my job. I hate these things.

I have to meet with the counselor at 5. I think it may be pointless.

I am tired and depressed and it has been cloudy ever since I got home. I suspect I'm a true southern girl who needs constant sunshine. I don't have a way to fix it.

Happy Birthday, Mike!

Today was the 30th birthday of my oldest son, Michael. He is wearing the gold tie in this photo.

Mike is such a great son. I am so thankful that I was blessed with this adorable blue-eyed angel 30 years ago.



<;So much joy in one little boy! What excitement we've had together.

He has such a great big heart filled with so much love.

'S Ok

Really. I'm fine. I'm o.k.

Cold is better.

Work is horrible.

Kids horrible.

Life is normal.

Who wants normal, anyway.

Black Sunday

It isn't home any more. I want to go home and I don't have one.

I thought I'd go to church this morning and I did. I thought David would let me take Sarah. He said I could last night. He changed his mind this morning. "Everyone at church is sick. She's sick." Same story all the time. It is never a good time. I never get to take her to church. You know, I was scared to death to keep my kids out of church. I always believe it was my responsibility to get them there, no matter what.

She was fine last night when she came in and hugged and kissed me. No cough, no sniffles. Nothing. She told me she loved me and missed me. She wanted to stay and play but he had waited until it was late to come over. He needed something. I gave her her toys and sent her home. He asked Becca and they told me I could take her this morning. But when I called at 8 to ask he said no. I didn't believe they would anyway but I really hoped they would let me have her today.

Mike was going but he changed his mind, too. Said his stomach hurt.

I went to church alone and it was terrible. My cough is back and I'm tired and I just want to see Jerry. I need to talk to him and I want to see him. I can't stand this any more. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to come to an empty house. I want to go home.

I should sell the house and leave. I have nothing left here. I'm alone and have nothing to stay for. I can't see Sarah so it doesn't matter anymore what happens. I can leave anytime. I can use Jerry's insurance to move his body to wherever I want to go.

I remember all the months before Jerry died how he begged for them to let us have Sarah for church or to go somewhere. He would sit and cry to see her. It was terrible and it is a terrible memory. I'm so glad he had that last whole day with her. He played with her.

But I don't want to do that. I don't want to sit and cry because I can't have her. Oh, I can see her. When it is convenient. But not to really go places and do things with her when I am off and ask for her. I can't take her to church. I'm promised I can but then it never happens.

I'm tired. I just want to see Jerry. I always had Jerry to take care of me and look out for me. We had each other and we tried to make the best of it. When it hurt, we had each other. We made a mess of everything.

I wish I'd made him quit that job. He could have been here a little longer. He worked for them, so he could give his check to them. For Sarah. And it killed him. For nothing. He worked himself to death for nothing. I told him two years ago he needed to stop working but he and I both knew it couldn't happen. We were so far in a hole each month because we'd given too much money away. I never saw his check. I found receipts where he'd spent it. Diapers, baby things, food, gas for a car he couldn't even drive.

I just want to see him. I just want to talk to him. I want to tell him I'm sorry I didn't stop it sooner and make him quit work. I hate my life. I hate living like this. I hate it. I don't think I can stay here. Really. I don't want to anymore. I come back to nothing and no one. I want to leave.

I'm getting a lawyer next week to set up my will. I have a will already and I've arranged for my cousin to take care of everything should something happen to me. But I need to get a new, formal will set up. I'm putting all insurance payouts in a trust fund. No cash payouts. No lump sums. That way, Sarah will have a little something someday, not much but maybe she can buy something nice for herself that she didn't have to beg for from someone else.

I have to arrange something for Mike, too. I have no real money, just small insurance policies and a retirement account if I die before I retire. They will bury men but it won't go far. Still maybe I can get him a place to live so he isn't homeless. That is my fear. That he will be homeless. There is no one to care for him or look out for him. And he can be taken advantage of easily. I've already talked to my cousin and my brother about this and they have agreed to handle everything should something happen to me. I'm giving power of attorney to my aunt, cousin, and oldest brother. I trust them and I know they will make the best decisions and follow my wishes.

My cousin wants me to move near them. He'd try and help me find a job. I know he would do his best but he just started his own business and has a new family to care for. He doesn't need my problems. I know my aunt and uncle would be thrilled if I came there, too.

I just don't really care about any of it anymore. There is no place I want to be. Nothing I want except Jerry. I just want to see him and talk to him. I can't bear it. I can't stand being here and not being able to see him or hear him or talk to him.

I keep thinking it should have been me. It would have been better if it had been me but then I realize he would be even worse off. I took care of so much. He just reached the place that his heart couldn't take it anymore. It broke. Now, I'm not sure I can take it anymore either.

Second Flight of the Widow

I flew back to Indiana today. My aunt and uncle drove me to Jacksonville to catch my plane but it was delayed an hour because the weather in Atlanta was terrible. I was supposed to leave at 11:42 a.m. eastern time but the plane was 40 minutes late.

Once on the plane, we hit heavy clouds within half an hour. A bit bumpy but not terribly so. I was in a large 757 with three seats on each side of the plane. There was no one in the seat next to me so I spent the time reading my book. Because we were late getting in the air, they booked me a seat on a later flight out of Atlanta in case I missed my connection. However, that two hour layover I had just evaporated and I waited only 30 minutes to catch my connecting flight to Louisville, KY. It left on time at 3:50 p.m. eastern time.

That flight was a bit more bumpy. From the time we left the ground in Atlanta, where it was raining and buried in clouds, until we got to Louisville, there was heavy clouds. At one point, I looked out the window and above us was a ceiling of flat clouds and below us a floor of fluffy clouds. We were literally traveling in a corridor between layers of clouds. I was very strange looking.

This plane was a smaller jet and my seat companion was a young man whose wife sat across the aisle. She had a 4 year old daughter on the seat next to her and a 9 month old baby boy on her lap. The baby cried most of the way. I think his ears were bothering him but they didn't seem to know how to help. The dad was polite but not very talkative and I was nearly finished with my book anyway. After the usual pleasantries, we didn't talk much. The flight was only about an hour and I was on the ground at 4: 40 p.m. eastern time.

Once in my car, I was relieved to be headed home. I loved the vacation and had a wonderful time but I was ready to get back. However, I found myself depressed and missing Jerry so badly. I spent about half the trip crying and trying to drive. He wouldn't be waiting for me to get home and tell him about the trip. He had not been with me to enjoy it.

There had been times during the week when I felt very desolate because he wasn't there to enjoy the time together. I tried to push those times back and redirect. It was not easy to do. And on the way home, alone in the car, I couldn't stop all flow of memories of other trips and other vacations together and how they were gone and I couldn't call them back and couldn't relive them or repeat them.

There is nothing like that endless flow of memories that you can't shut off and can't seem to prevent. They come of their own volition, it seems, and will not be stopped just because you decide you don't want to have them. I've had fewer flashbacks but they still happen, sometimes every day, sometimes every few days. I find that when I'm tired I can't hold them back. When something triggers it -- an event, an action, a song, phrase, or sound -- there is just no way to really prevent reaction of my brain.

I got home around 5:30 central time (6:30 eastern) and I unpacked immediately and then showered. I've been watching movies, reading blogs, and posting my entries for the week. I've posted the videos but it didn't let me put the date on the videos. The blogs, however, I was able to post according to date.

I probably have a few photos and my aunt took several that I will try and get copies of but she will probably post them on her blog as well.

I have the writer's meeting on the 23rd. This is the new writer's group that is forming and I am looking forward to it. I'll let you know how that comes out.

Now, I'm off to bed. I need to be in church tomorrow.

Vacation, and my flight, has ended.

Friday Finale - The Blog

Today is the last day of our vacation. We went for a swim this morning and then to lunch with my cousin and his family. They just left headed home. We stopped by the luggage store to buy a new suitcase for me, one with wheels. I had such a hard time with my luggage that I felt it was a good idea. Nice wheels on it and I can buy other pieces later to add to it if I want it.

I think we are all sorry to see the week end. We've had a very nice, relaxing time. No running to see sights or anything. We've read, watched movies, and swam every day. There have not been a lot of people here so it was very laid back and we have had the pool to ourselves most of the time. We could just sit and enjoy each other's company and talk.

In a little while we are going to go back to the pool and swim and just sit around a bit and enjoy our last evening swim. The pool closes at 11 each night so we've been able to stay late.

I've loved the pool. I love the water and swimming and it has been pleasant to just sit and feel the warmth and the breeze. And a nice soak in the hot tub. I saw today they had a dry sauna and I wish we had known that to start. I love dry saunas.

We've also had lovely weather. Rain nearly each day but it never lasted long. Only one day did we have rain all day and we just stayed in and read.

So, tomorrow, I fly home and back to the real world. I will miss the lazy days of no worries and no demands on my time. I could get used to doing nothing but swimming, reading and writing each day.

I have been writing every day and I hope the posts will all be interesting. I know I've had fun with them. There will be a few videos but we didn't really bother with many photos either. There just seemed to be no call for them.

Monday Missions

Monday Missions

Monday I woke coughing... as I have for days. The meds wear off around 5 a.m. I got up, drank some water and we bumped the air up. It seems to get very hot that time of the morning and I was sweating and that is when I start coughing. I got it under control but went back to bed for a short while. Only to wake again around 9 coughing. We all got up then and dressed.

We decided yesterday in our rambles that we would have breakfast at IHOP on Monday. My cousin and his family were to drive down and join us for the week so this would be our last day of somewhat isolated rambles. I don't know what they will want to do but it appears we will be going to a dinner theater one night and then perhaps to Disney World. I've never been and while I like theme parks, they aren't much fun if you are alone. Jerry and I loved going to theme parks when we first married. We didn't have children for five years and even when we did, we loved taking the boys. I know, there will be family here but it isn't the same as having a companion to do things with. And I can't write more about that at this point. It is much too painful and I'm here to enjoy myself.

We went to a mall after breakfast and shopped. I found a shop that sells luggage at a discount price and found a nice piece that would be a good size. My aunt thought it would be too expensive and I could find some at Wal-mart cheaper. I have decided that if I'm going to do this traveling thing, I have to have good luggage. So, I will probably go back and buy it before I leave. And they had a nice laptop case I could get too, with wheels. I will have to see if I want to do that.

When we came back we checked on internet and found they have a business center here where we can get on when we want to check our mail and read our blogs. Posting is still a problem but I am going to try and buy a flashdrive that will hold what I've been writing and take it over to try and post it.

I'm going now to dress for the pool. I love the pool and they have really nice ones here. I don't know what we will do for supper.

On Our Way!

Well, I am up, dressed and getting ready to load the car. I'm officially on my way to... well, the airport, silly. Two hour drive ahead and there was a bit of shuffling when everyone who had said they'd drive me couldn't make it. So, I'm driving myself and parking my car at the airport for a week. I'm nervous about that but has to be done.

I will check in as soon as I get somewhere that has internet!

Feel much better this morning although the throat is still sore and I woke coughing around 3 a.m. The codeine does help the cough quite a bit I found last night. I may take a small dose before I fly because it sure didn't knock me out! Didn't even make me terribly drowsy. I took my melantonin and that put me to sleep. LOL. I just don't do narcotics well. They either have NO effect or they cause all manner of unwanted effects. Oh well.

We're off! More late!

Dragged Through a Hedge

That's how I feel, as if I were dragged through a hedge backwards. That is another old saying. Death warmed over. The end of the week is here and I'm supposed to fly out to my unknown destination tomorrow morning. I am still sick. If you have watched the videos, you know, like my baby sister so eloquently put it, I look like crap. I said earlier this week I felt like three kinds of crap.

I saw an urgent care doctor yesterday afternoon. Mike took me and he said the guy is an idiot to say I can still fly on Saturday. He gave me a Z-pac antibiotic to prevent a secondary infection and some of what I am already taking but free meds are always good. The Z-pac upset my stomach a bit last night. I will take the next one when I eat later.

I have a regular appointment today with my doctor at 8:15 so he will be the final say as to whether I fly or not. Mike will be impossible to life with if he says I can't fly. Mike will think he has a PHD. He won't be happy if I'm cleared either. He doesn't want me to go.

Frankly, I am so tired. Despite the codeine cough medicine I did not sleep too well. Woke up at 4 a.m. and it had worn off and I was coughing again. I couldn't take it again because I have to get up at 7 a.m. I did take something for the stuffy nose and it helped but the cough medicine in what he gave me, well, I can't tell if it is working or not. I will take it all early tonight because 4 a.m. is an ungodly hour.

My cold sounds wet. Mothers will know what that means. My lungs are rejecting the crap that is in them. So, it is breaking up but I feel absolutely horrible. I just want to go to bed and stay there. I have to come back and pack for a week of vacation. Yipee. I do hope I feel better tomorrow. I can't imagine driving two hours to the airport and spending the day in the airports with this. I probably will be over the worst by Monday anyway but getting there is a long way. And I can't change my flights with that in mind.

Well, I'm going to get ready for the doctor's office.

The Best Laid Schemes O' Mice An' Men

Gang aft agley, .--Robert Burns

I've lain in the chair for hours with movies going. My head hurts when I cough and I am coughing a lot. My chest is still tight and my throat hurts... probably from coughing too. I've been drinking sodas most of the night but I'm going and drink a big glass of cold water in a minute. I did eat something earlier but now wonder why I did that.

I am so miserable and for the 1000th time wish Jerry were home to at least bring me a drink now and then. Or just pat me on the head. Sometimes when I was sick at night, he'd rub my back. It didn't make me feel better. It just was something to let me know I wasn't alone. I am.

I don't really have anyone to take care of me but me. Funny, I've said a million times I could take care of myself. Now I get to prove it. Sometimes we do get justice.

I don't dare let the kids come over. I couldn't bear it if I made Sarah sick. We are already terrified to let her play with anyone or go anywhere.

Friday morning I see my doctor, if I don't go somewhere before then. I may see if there is a urgent care clinic somewhere I can go to tomorrow. The ones on my insurance are closed now but they are not the best ones anyway. I'd rather go to St. Mary's but my insurance won't cover them.

I suspect I'm going to have to cancel my trip. I don't see how I can fly with this.
I'm sure it is a bad cold and I hope a good sleep will bring some relief. I don't actually want to give this to anyone else so I'm not concerned with the trip a whole lot. I can take another trip a bit later if I want. My boss is very good that way.

I'll just go to work instead of leaving town. But I really wanted to get away for a bit. I'll just have to think of something else if this doesn't happen. I could just drive down and take a long weekend with my aunt and uncle... once I'm well. They just got over some kind of bug where they were vomiting so.... this is just lousy.

More later. I'm truly hitting the sack now.

It Is Official

I am sick. I have a full blown cold. I just went and bought cough medicine cause I'm coughing my head off. I have a stopped up nose, sore throat, and the elephant on my chest.

So, not sure what I'll be doing the next couple of days. I don't even know if I'll be able to fly. With this congestion in my head I could rupture an eardrum. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday morning so I will wait to consider this until after that.

Bottom line, I feel like three kinds of crap. Take your pick.

Not a Good Day

I have to be at the dentist in about 40 minutes to get crowned and my day will probably run pretty fast after that. I work four days this week and then I'm off for a week.

It isn't a good day. I woke up and immediately and thought "I need St John's Wort." I can't take it however. The hair loss seems to have come to a relative halt. I'm losing hair but it seems to be a normal amount when I brush and not coming out all over the place. After I ate breakfast I had a bad spell. I'm under control at the moment, but it doesn't bode well for the day.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. That's what I do under my breath. I figure if I say it enough it will be true. That will be never the case but we all live in hope to some degree. I see my doctor on Friday and I'll mention it to him. I'm sure he will recommend a prescription antidepressant but that's not going to happen.

I've got too many examples of people who now have to take antidepressants for life. This is a 20th century phenomena. The increase in the incidence of depression is related to the industrial revolution. As we got wealthier, we got depressed. As the rat race increased, we got depressed. We became nastier people and we got depressed. The world became more aware of itself and we didn't like what we saw so we got depressed and made other people depressed. Depression is an illness that we caused. It has become a slavery. However, as long as I can deal with it I'm not picking up the chains willingly. I know my limits and I know how hard it is to come out of it. But I've done this before and I will do it again.

Maybe I just don't want to go to work. Well, that too. I don't feel tired or anything. In fact, I woke before the clock went off and a good thing. The alarm wasn't on. I distinctly remember setting it so not sure what I did.

I enjoyed my time off and doing what I wanted to do. And I got so much accomplished I should feel thrilled. But the hard work is still to do. I need to call the person I was told might be able to do some things for me.

Since it is early, there is nothing to write about but how bad I feel and I don't want to keep harping on that all the time. Although, I suppose that is what a journal is supposed to be used for, to spill all the chaos of life onto it's pages. It does help to write it but there are times I want to have something positive to write.

I've been telling you all that I'm going on a trip next week. In fact, I fly out Saturday from Louisville to an, as yet, undisclosed location. I am going to meet my aunt and uncle again. I will be telling you more later. Right now, it is a secret. I decided it would be more fun to keep people guessing than just give it all away. Actually, I don't remember the name of the place we are going. They are picking me up at an airport on the way. However, I will tell you the location is in the South. It is near a body of water. That's all for now.

I'm going to brush my teeth and go to get my crown. About time someone recognized my worth.

Labor Day Begins

I got up at 9:00 a.m.! Wow! I slept LATE!

I have spent the last two and a half hours catching up on blogs, playing a game, reading and answering email. Now, I'm wanting food. My church has a labor day picnic and I was going but I think this is one "first" I elect NOT to have this year. My husband loved to go to the picnic and we'd just sit in our chairs and watch the games or he'd stand and talk to the menfolk. He just loved being there. I can't do that today. I'm been feeling better and I just don't want to go there. Since I'm not taking anything for depression, it is too easy to do.

I am going to try and pry Mike out of is bed so we can eat and get started on the real work!

What's Wrong with Me?

I had a question in the previous post. Beefreelady asked why I had pain in my joints and extremities. Anyone who has read the blog for a year knows that I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromalgia

I wake up with pain and I go to sleep with it. No cures for it and no meds will eliminate the symptoms. It is what it is. So, because of that, I'm going to pick up heavy items and walk for miles when my legs hurt. Type all day when my hands hurt. Work in the yard when everything hurts and I can't get out of bed the next day. I simply refuse to stop living to become a slave to these diseases.

So, I do what I have to do and it punishes me later. That's o.k. cause I'm just going to do it again tomorrow. I may have them, but they don't have ME.

Not yet, anyway.

Seven Thirty Sunday

The clock went off at 7:30 and I thought it was a work day! I jerked awake think "Oh my goodness! I'm gonna be later!" I HATE that and it has been happening a lot on the days I am off. Perhaps the days are running together or something. I don't know but I really hate waking up like that. I may change my alarm sound for a bit to see if it helps.

Or maybe on weekends I can use a different sound. My sleeping brain won't be yanked back to reality so hard. . . maybe. {sigh} Just a thought.

Slept fine, I think. Kind of hard to tell if you slept well when you get jerked awake like that. At any rate, I slept hard.

I"m not writhing in pain this morning so that is a plus. Feet hurt. They usually do but not quite so much. Hands hurt. This happens off and on too but is more so today. As for the rest of me, well, not so bad considering it is a gloomy, drizzly day. My knees hurt a bit too but I think I can walk. Geezzzzz, I sound like a train wreck! Or that I was hit by something traveling at high speeds.

Anyway, I am going to get ready for church. I have several people who are supposedly going. We will see. Usually they don't. Mike will be so sore he can't walk. He doesn't get enough exercise and he's gained a l lot of weight since Jerry died. So, I don't expect he will be out of bed soon.

I am going to fix my hair and get dressed. I will be back after church but my plan is to sit down to the laptop and write some. Been working on mist a bit more since I go it. I'm trying to get into it again. November is coming and I want to have myself disciplined for it. This will not be impossible but it will be difficult. It has been my practice to find something to keep my mind off what has happened. That usually involves computer games and internet cruising, and visiting everyone's blog, and my Facebook account (I really am not crazy about Facebook but I do have some friends I like there, so I keep it.)

In fact, the game Farmtown on FB has been a great diversion. I realized when I got bored with it a few weeks ago that it was probably coming to an end. Seven months of planting, plowing, and harvesting and flowers etc have served their purpose. They have kept me from thinking many nights. Now, I want to do something else.

So, first vacation, then writer's group, then Nano, and then holidays............I forgot holidays.

I'm stopping there. I'll think about that later.

Writing Again....

I've been pretty busy during the day this week and pretty tired at night. I've come home, watch a couple of shows, and gone to bed.

But. . . my new toy arrived Wednesday and I am so excited. I got a new laptop! Yes, yes, yes! I did it! I have been playing with it to see what I could do with it. So far, I think I like. I have a web-cam built into it so I will be able to chat on Windows Live messenger with my family and do some video blogging too. I can take it outside and enjoy the outdoors if there is any more lovely days when I'm off! Keeps raining or is too hot. I will have it on my trip, too.

Today, for the first time, I took it to McDonald's on my lunch hour and spent the time writing! I was just so tickled to be able to do that. They don't have Wi-fi there so the internet was not a lure. I didn't go with anyone to lunch so no distractions. It worked great! And I'm ready for November write-ins if we have any here.

And we might! Recently, I was contacted by a woman who moved into the area who was a participant in NaNoWriMo in another state and wanted to meet those in this area. Well, now there are six of us emailing and trying to arrange to start a writers group. We're looking possibly meeting in late September or October. I'm really looking forward to that.

I've finally realized that I have got to find new friends and let go of the old. Well, not you folks . . . you know what I mean. But honestly, I don't guess there are any to let go of. You can't let go of what you never had to begin with. So, I'm looking for ways to meet other people with similar interests to my own. Just like I did on Multiply.

I got to thinking that since life as I knew it is dead and buried with most of my heart, there is no one to notice if I move on to other interests and friends. No, I'm not over it. I just can't stay here and survive. I can't stay in this house, in the dark and stay sane.

I am beginning to feel the effects of no SJW for three days. No terribly so but a bit. We'll see if the hair lost lessens. Just keep me in your prayers. I have no desire to start falling apart again. If that happens, I'll have to take it, hair or no hair.

I'm pretty tired now. Mike and I had a movie night and pizza. It was nice. We watched the move Thr3e. It was really great. I read the book last year and was so glad when he said they had the movie at the library. He watched it and loved it, too. About halfway through he said, "You know, Mom, there has not been one ugly word said in this movie." I told him I knew that but the writer was a Christian author and that movies don't have to have sex or dirty words to be good." That's true. They just have to tell a good story. And this is a really good story.

If you have not read the book, I'd encourage you to read it or rent the movie. It is a novel by a Christian but not a exactly a religious novel. It is a mystery about a seminary student that someone is trying to kill. It has a killer ending that will just blow you away. This is how they should be making suspense movies.

Afterward, I took him home and we had ice cream. It was a nice evening and I'm ready for bed. I will see you all back here sometime tomorrow. We are celebrating Sarah's birthday tomorrow night with the family. Her dad had to work on her birthday and so we are all having cake and ice cream here. And presents, of course.

Blonde Joke

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'Naw......Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Happy Birthday to You!

Sarah Cheyenne is three years old today!

Happy Birthday, Sarah!

Passings

I just found that my friend, Just Cassandra's father passed away over night. Please keep her in your prayers. The next several months will be very difficult and painful.