A Bottle of Whine

Happening this week: Existential Crisis!

"An existential crisis is a period when a person questions the meaning of life, their purpose, and their identity. It can also involve feelings of confusion, anxiety, and stress that can disrupt a person's normal functioning and lead to depression. " This paragraph is AI generated.

Well, it happens a lot. It's incredibly frustrating. I'm not actually aware that this is what it is until I stop to examine it. They say it's good for us to have "crises" but personally, I don't see the value of it.

Meaning of life? I have no idea. Purpose? I thought I knew. I was wrong. Identity? Well, I know who I am but I'm not sure it matters. Normal functioning? I'm past normal these days. Into my 30's I could hop a fence in one jump. Now, I have trouble walking to the fence. I'm two years shy of 70. So, what's normal?

I found this: "persons of higher intellectual ability are more prone to experience existential depression spontaneously," from Existential Depression in Gifted People.

Again, not sure what the value of that is. I'm pretty smart, so I've been told, and maybe that is a gift, but it took a lot of hard work on my part to get to that point. And if having a higher intelligence doesn't protect you from anything, there's not much benefit to it. Well, except maybe make more money, but I know crazy folks who are geniuses.

So, that's where I am.

Here's the thing: I'm tired of crises. No, I think I'm sick of them. Death, taxes, children, bills, and, I'm sorry, people. The game of life is no longer fun. I couldn't stand that board game when I was a kid, but my siblings loved it. I expect I was wiser than my years by a stretch. There were things I knew about life and people no kid should know. Life could stink. And that was likely my first existential crisis.

For almost a year now, I've been sick off and on. Joint pain, muscle pain, massive leg cramps at night, trouble walking, and extreme fatigue. These have been my only companions. Sarah came home in January and helps with housework, but when I try to make my bed, I have to stop in the middle of the process just to breathe. I get out of breath when taking the garbage to the street. And yes, I've told my doctors. No. They said nothing. Really. They moved on and never asked for another thing. I believe it's an underactive thyroid. I've got weak nails and my hair has been falling out for a while now. Yes, I've had the basic test, and it's normal. Although there are additional tests, no one proposed them.

So.... moving on.

Finances have been disastrous. Repairs and more repairs. However, if God wills, there's light at the end of this tunnel. I got help from some out-of-state Christian folks to fix the bathroom problem and took in a boarder. I still have a dozen things that need repair. But my days of doing that type of lifting and fixing are over. I simply don't have the strength now. Even Sarah has noticed.

So, here we are, at the end. Please, have a seat and here's the knife for the cheese. I think you've had enough whine.

Can't Catch A Fish

 I have so much to say! Where to start? I really don't want to give you a litany of my woes, but this is a personal journal and honestly, I need to just get it out. Struggling to cope with a hopeless situation is exhausting, and it affects my health, I'm sure. So, feel free to leave with no hard feelings. 

I haven't posted since January 5, but things have been hectic getting Sarah sorted out and managing a severe infection. However, my sinus infection has cleared up, and the cough is finally lessening. I had so much drainage I nearly drowned from it at night. 

Since October, I've been ill. I've had financial issues related to the car and house that totally wiped me out. 

By December, I worried about how I was going to keep paying some bills. It isn't like I have any hope of an increase in money. There was no raise for seniors when Biden did his pay hike. Retirement is set. Social Security and a widow's pension get a once a year cost-of-living increase. This year they gave us about $50 in COLA. That's average for Social Security. There is no other source and ain't nobody gifting me anything. And Caesar is going to get his denarii and I don't fish. (Matt 17:24-27)

In January, I started renting a room to a friend, and that has helped some. She is saving to buy a house so she won't be here forever, but it has helped keep the bills paid. And she's lovely company when she's here. 

I thought I'd be able to get the bank account revived. Then the home and auto insurance doubled. I had to worry about whether I could drive my car or if I should sell the car. It's paid off. It would get me out of a bind to sell it. So, you can imagine how concerned I was. And there is no one to call for help. 

So I prayed. But then, I have been praying for 8 months about the problems that just keep getting worse. And I shopped for insurance. I called a company I used before and could get insured for half of what the other company was going to charge me. That's $100 a month saved. Answered prayer! But it doesn't solve my problems. 

For a few weeks now, I've thought about finding a job. How do I do that? I can't work full time with my RA. In fact, for two weeks now, I've had trouble walking and holding things. I guess it is a flare, but I can't be sure. I just know getting up and down is literally a pain. 

The bright spot in my world is Sarah. If you've read this blog before, you know she lived with me for about 9 yrs as a child. She has been away with her Dad for about 7. This December she came home to live again. It is so good to see her and for weeks now I've watched her blossom in her independence and confidence. I thought she was gone for good. 

She is amazing. We began working on getting her into GED classes and looking for a job. She attended her first official class today. Tomorrow, she goes to work at Hardee's 5 minutes from home. She got the job on her own. I helped with getting her enrolled in class. Yesterday, I got her work clothes prepared and an outfit for school. Can you believe she is 17? Watching her is so encouraging and exciting.

So there you have the last 6 months in a nutshell. I may have mentioned some of this in a previous post, but I do not remember. I have always been able to figure out a solution to problems and eventually solve them. But now, I have no solution. For the first time in 20 yrs, I don't know what I'm going to do. Wait till the ax falls, the shoe drops, or the end comes. It doesn't seem to matter which. 

I apologize for this post. It isn't very interesting, but it is a peek into what life is like when you have no one to turn to in a crisis. Once, I could handle anything that came. Now, I'm tired.

Heavenly Days

 

This was probably the best Saturday I've had in ... years. Sarah and I went shopping. Not on my dime, her's. She worked since school started in Ohio and when she came home, she had received none of the money she earned. Someone else had confiscated her pay card and kept her pay. She never said a word, just sucked it up. But this week at my house, she got her last paycheck. I wish I had a photo of her when she saw how much she had on her card. You don't want to know my heart when I realized how much was stolen from her. 

We actually went to the licenses branch first to get her an ID. When she had to sign all the papers, she made a comment about it and I said, "Welcome to the grownup world." She said, "I need to work on my handwriting." She'd never signed her name so much and I think was embarrassed. So I promised to get a handwriting book. Education departments should be penalized for the disaster they've created in our education system.

As they finished, they asked her if she wanted to register to vote. Again, I wish I'd taken photos. Her face. She said, "I can do that?" They told her since she would be 18 before the election, she could. I've never seen anyone as shocked and as thrilled as Sarah coming out of that office. And having the privilege of seeing it was a joy. It totally changed her mindset from that point on. 

From there we went, and she spent her money on herself. She bought boots, new tennis shoes since the others have a broken sole and coming apart in a few places. She got a new wallet because she got her new state ID and said she'd need it. I bought her a new backpack because she prefers that to a handbag. After every purchase, she was counting up her remaining balance on her phone calculator. She spent with caution and joy, tallying up what was left without complaint. Every purchase was an exciting moment for us both. And a revelation to her. I said, "Now you know why math is important." She replied, "Yes. I have made some bad life choices." 

As we were leaving, I backed into a woman in the parking lot and that's a fiasco I'd rather not relate. I claim responsibility. However, neither car had a sign of damage, not even a smudge. She started to drive off and then decided on the next row over she has a wheel problem because I "hit her wheel". Well, I didn't, but I said I just needed her insurance info. She said we needed to call the police so she could document it. I explained that a parking lot accident was a no fault but I agreed, if that was what she wanted she should call them. I had no problem with it. 

She said, "Unless you want to take care of it under the table." I promptly said, "Oh no, I don't do under the table. Call the police if you need to." That took over an hour to get an officer, but we waited. I asked her twice about her insurance info, but she wouldn't provide it. Another half hour of talking to him and he looked at both cars and then at me with a look that said, "Really?" and I said, "I know." He had to ask her twice for insurance info, too. He finally made her give it to me. And she decided she didn't want a police report. And it was her idea to call. He told me he had to tell her she would still be responsible for her deductible. Yeah.

So, after this, Sarah and I decided it was time to call it a day. We stopped on the way home at Freddy's for supper and to wind down. It was a great day despite the non-fender bender. 

I'm exhausted. Sarah is just still excited and happy. Dad told her tonight he would take her somewhere to practice driving. 

It takes so little to make a person happy. 

The 2024 Roller Coaster Ride Now Open

Pixabay

Here we are, four days into the new year. I had a lovely Christmas holiday with my sons, Mike and David, my granddaughter Sarah, Mike's girlfriend, Amanda. And I even got some lovely gifts from everyone. We had a delicious dinner, cooked mostly by Amanda, with a bit of help from me. 

New Year's Day we watch the Alabama playoff game. They lost, but they played a good game, except for the guy snapping the ball. McLaughlin was definitely not on his game. All season, he snapped the ball just fine. Suddenly he's all thumbs.

The past four days have just been hectic with trying to get things organized for more people in the house. On the 15th Amanda is moving in for a while. She's wanting to buy, so to avoid getting into a new lease, she'll stay here until she finds what she wants. David is here for a bit, not sure how long, but it is really pleasant to spend some time with him. He's working on his last five college classes. I'm very proud of the way he's pushed to do this. He really messed up highschool but went back in his 30s and now he's nearly finished with his college bachelor's degree. 

Sarah and I are just enjoying being silly with each other. She's still the funniest kid I know. Of course, she's having a bit of a struggle to get back into my routines and rules, but she's coping rather well. We're going to get her state ID this week and then get started on her GED. She didn't want to go back to public school and as a graduate of a correspondent school; I agree it is a good idea. So we'll be tutoring and getting to GED classes.

I'm trying to get my routine back on track. When disruptions happen, it just throws me off for a while. Beginning in early to mid October, I was sick for a couple of months, had my car break down twice, had electrical repairs, an empty freezer, and other unforeseen expenses from October to December. Life keeps kicking me. 

BUT ---

I am blessed. I said, I AM BLESSED! I don't care what my brain says. I don't care what the devil says. I am blessed beyond measure. I'm broke, seriously broke, but I'm blessed. 

May you all have a wonderful New Year. I know the 1st is passed, but may the rest of 2024 be filled with gladness, joy, and spiritual blessing beyond your wildest imaginings. God is good. God reigns supreme. And he is faithful.

 

A Stitch In Time

 So here were are, nearing the end of November. I'm finally over whatever I've had for the last 60+ days. I still have a cough now and then. My biggest problem is fatigue. Because I was waking up off and on during the night and coughing, my sleep patterns (always dicey) are skewed. I've tried for a week to get back on track but after a single night of great sleep, I woke at 5 a.m. with only five hrs sleep. I had to go back to bed by 9 a.m. and slept 3 hrs. or I would have passed out in the chair. 

I still haven't made it to my aunt's for a visit. The plans are still out there. Just not a definate date when I can go. It isn't a good idea to drive sleepy. I'd like to say by December 1st. 

Anyone ever find themselves not caring for food? I don't mean not hungry. No. I get hungry but I can't seem to find anything that I want to eat. I'm sort of looking forward to my sister and I going to Golden Corral for Thanksgiving. They have great food and lots of veggies. It sounds wonderful. We'll see if the appeal holds.

I had to get a new sewing machine. I was working on something and my old one just stopped. It is at least 10 yrs old and I've had problems with if for several  years. It reached the point that I had to have it serviced every year and that's just silly. The old machines, I could service myself. Twenty yrs ago you could even change your own belts. Now, it is all computers. I got a great deal on a Janome and this is the quietest machine I've ever used! I've used it for several days to do minor repairs. That's the easiest way to get familiar with a machine. No. They're not all alike. It's just like driving a car. If you've driven a truck for 10 yrs and now you get a Mercedes, you're going to find a lot of bells and whistles. You have to figure out where the keys go. LOL, for real!

Anyway, I like the machine. I just hope it holds up better than my last two Singers. I doubt I'll ever buy another Singer. I did check on the Brother machines but they were very cheaply made and when I compare reviews across several sites, I didn't want to take the risk. The machine I bought is a $900 machine but I got it for a third of that on a sale. So great deal. It's odd, actually. I've bought everyone of my the machines I've owned (4) on sale at good prices. All but one were good machines. 

By the way, were you aware you could buy sewing machines at Home Depot? Yeah. That's a thing. And no, that's now where I got the machine. When I was shopping for the machine, I Googled and that came up. They actually had some good prices. 

Now, I'm off to the shower. I need a hot one and to consider getting to bed earlier. Have a lovely Thanksgiving if you celebrate the holiday.

#ACraftyWench, #Janome, #Stitches, #Sewing