Ten Holidays

So, another Christmas done. I'm not sorry. I was blessed to have Becca, Sarah, and Madilyn with me and my sister came by for Christmas dinner. It was such fun watching Madi get so excited over the tree and presents. Sarah, of course, is an old hand at all that stuff and getting her excited is a lot harder. Of course, she had fewer gifts this year but she did get things she asked for and so I think she was fine with it.

Becca brought Madi over on the 23rd to stay until the 26th and we decided we'd get Madi's presents wrapped and under the tree after she went to bed. Sarah's were already there when they arrived.

Madi kept asking me where her presents were and I told her they'd be here "tomorrow", on Christmas Eve. I felt so sad because it was evident that this 3 yr old could understand that something was off with the presents. But she trusts me so she didn't really make a fuss.

Christmas Eve, when I came down the hall to the living room, Madi met me grinning and grabbed my hand. "Mawmaw, Santa brought me and you presents last night! Come and see!" I thought it was sweet she thought I was included in those presents. I wasn't but it wasn't about me anyway. She was vibrating with excitement and the rest of the day we struggled to keep her from opening them all. We showed her her name on them and spelled it out for her. She knew exactly which ones were hers. We did let her open two hoping to appease her but by sunset, we were done and we opened them.

Both girls seemed to enjoy their gifts. Sarah got her ITunes gift cards and bluetooth headset and books. Madi got the kind of things 3 yr olds get: PlayDoh, colors and coloring books, and baby doll stuff.

The girls went home tonight. Sarah to spend a few days with her mom before going back to school. I am home alone. As I took the photo of the tree, I thought of all the Christmases I've had alone since Jerry died. There have been 10 Thanksgivings, 10 Christmases, 10 New Years, 10 anniversaries, 10 Valentine's Days. Oh, some family have been here for the day here and there but always, at the end of the celebration, I sit in front of the tree and try to find a glimmer of something that feels like a holiday. Eventually, I think of all the Christmases that may lie ahead and well, we'll leave it there.

I'm not wallowing in pity. I had my annual grief cry today and visited Jerry at the cemetery. I stayed a long time and just sat in the car and listened to a podcast as I watched the grave stones in the VA cemetery. Some had wreaths, some had flowers and some had nothing. There were a few new graves. Jerry needs new flowers and I promised to bring them this week.  I don't know if it matters, actually, but it does to me.

It made me sad to see the forgotten ones. Once I wondered who'd put flowers on my grave regularly and realized that I'm the end. There will be no one left here for that. Well, if that ain't the story of my life. Of course, there won't be anyone to put them on his either. That's bothers me.

Wednesday Rant 10/12/18

I just needed to vent, I guess. Sorry if you're bored or annoyed but I feel ever so much better! There is some kind of hiccup about two minutes in and the audio is out of sync. I've tried to fix it but it was so time consuming I got aggravated. May do that later but hey, this is just for friends and family anyway.

Catching Up to Y'all

I've gotten so bad at posting things here. I considered letting it go but once in a while, something belongs here and not on the other two blogs.

For the last several weeks, I've been doing pretty good. I started taking Benedryl at night when I go to bed for allergy problems that affect my using the BiPap machine. I found it helped my sleep, too. I also started taking Spirulina and Chlorella. You can look it up but it has some health benefits that I felt I needed. It helps remove heavy metals from the body and other toxins and also helps stabilize gut bacteria.

Here's a strange thing. I'm better. I mean, overall, I have very little pain. Low back pain at night but I have something for that. Shoulder pain and pain in my hand from the nerve damage are still an issue but there is virtually no joint pain. My hands get stiff and sometimes I find it hard to open my hand in the mornings but that's pretty much it. I don't know if it is the weather or one of the things I've been taking. Whatever, I'm thankful. And making good use of it. I suspect a change in weather will confirm or negate my belief.

The laundry is done and put away. The house has been swept and I even mopped one day. Drove my back crazy but it got done. I've cut the grass twice in the last month and worked in the yard a bit. I've moved a few things around, not all at once. This week I'm working on getting some picture frames painted and photos hung. I am planning, if the feel-good lasts, to patch some places in the walls and sand them off. Eventually, I'll get the money to buy more paint.

Alas, I've not done a lot of writing. I did some and there is a word count calendar here: Novels & Progress where you can check out the word counts of each one and see the days I wrote and how much. This is really more for me to keep a check without having to open a bunch of files and since it is easy to access, I thought why not share it.

So, there you have it. This is September and the last time I posted here was in July, when my brother died. I had a rough time for several weeks but now, as long as I don't think about it, I can manage. I miss him so much. In the last few years, he hardly ever called and so I didn't hear from him or know how he was or even where he was. Death has a way of shifting priorities. I have a huge family back home and this reminded me how very much I miss them all and wish I was more a part of their lives.

I'm headed off to get Sarah soon, so I'll end this here. I probably should post more often. I have these so someday, when I'm gone, Sarah can come back and at least feel that I'm not very far away and that she has a glimpse of who her Mawmaw was. Maybe she won't care but the option will be hers.

Traveling Woes

We're sitting in the library in Mena, Arkansas so we can use our computers. This is a nice little library even if small. I've been here several times on previous visits. The only drawback I've found is that the employees are quite chatty and haven't stopped talking for nearly an hour. The tables we use are near the front door and front desk and so it isn't as if we can avoid it. I don't have a major problem with it but it is distracting when trying to read or write. It is a library, after all, and they shushed me and Sarah on one of those previous visits, so it must matter.

Our trip down was fairly uneventful if you don't count losing my debit card. Never fear, we immediately blocked it but it is annoying. Thank goodness I have my credit card.

We left at 6 a.m. and arrived by 5:30 p.m.  A long day but traffic wasn't bad at all. Sunday might just be the best day to travel. We'll see because tomorrow is Wednesday and we're headed back to Evansville, Indiana. I hope we can leave by 6 a.m. again.

I have a lot to do when I get back but I suspect I'll have to recover from the trip. Seems the longer the drive the harder it is for me to bounce back. I didn't drive at all but I was exhausted and am still tired.

This is old news and it gets annoying. I'm tired of being tired and hurting all the time is a pain. I'm going to stop here and find something to do besides cruise the web. I should probably check my library books I borrowed before I've read several in the last week on my Kindle and need to return them.

Have a great week.

First Memories

Billy Lavon Patch
Born: Oct. 8, 1959
Died:  July 10, 2018

My brother died this past week. They said it was a pulmonary embolism. That's a blood clot in the lungs. He was only 58 and so full of life. That smile you see? That was always there.  You would rarely see him frowning and if he saw you, he'd throw up his hand and give you a smile and say "Hey, how ya doing!" And now he's gone. The world has lost another bright light.

No, he wasn't famous or wealthy. He was just real.

Let me take a minute and tell you about the little brother I grew up with and what his life was like back then.

Billy was a cute, curly-haired kid and my younger brother. I'm the oldest of 7 and he was #2. We were raised by our grandparents, Mama and Daddy, a long story to be shared another time. As children, we were close but drifted apart as teenagers for a bit. When I married, he felt betrayed because our Mama had died and I left home. We became closer after that but Daddy remarried and the new wife didn't want a teenager in her life and Daddy sent him away to live with our mother. Another betrayal but he coped and grew close to our other siblings who lived with her. Eventually, Daddy was sent away too when the new wife got all she could from him. He brought Billy home and said he'd made a huge mistake and would never do that again. I think they both suffered during that period.

My first clear memory of Billy was not when he was a baby. It was when they sent for Mama to come and get him. You see, he originally lived with our mother and when she remarried a GI, she took him with her. Doctors said I should not be removed from my grandparents. You see, I became sick because of the pending separation. So, I stayed and he left.

He was 2 when they told Mama he needed to come home. He was having bowel issues. He's stopped pottying because he was whipped every time he didn't use the potty. I can tell this now because everyone is dead. Even Billy. He knew the truth anyway. We were told my stepfather whipped him but after I grew up, I believe it was our mother that caused the problem. But I digress.

I remember Mama and I boarded a train in Mobile, Alabama headed to Columbus, Georgia to pick Billy up. It was my first train trip and it was exciting. I remember sitting in seats that faced one another and I liked sitting across from an adult in my own seat. Mama faced front and I sat opposite, facing her. I was only 5. I remember the train stopping on a trestle and I looked out the window. Far below was a rocky creek flowing under us. It was so exciting and as clear in my memory as a snapshot.

When we arrived in Columbus, I still remember the apartment house. It was a two-story shaped like an L and inside, we climbed these huge dark wood stairs. On the second floor was my mother's apartment. The next few moments are like a movie in my mind. The door opened and I went in first. Billy was lying on a bed in the room, bedclothes all mussed and piled up. I can't remember that room. All I see is this tiny curly-haired boy pushing up on the bed and sitting, and a beautiful smile stretching across his face when he saw us. Today, that memory is bittersweet. He was such a lovely little boy. The redish brown curls made him look like a cherub. I remember his arms going around my neck. And the memory ends.

We brought him home.

Charges or Changes

Yesterday as I was paying bills, I reviewed some medical bills I received and when I went online to pay it I saw something confusing. They'd billed me twice for the same visit but it wasn't on the bill I held in my hand.

My insurance sends me an Explanation of Benefits that shows what they were billed and how much they paid. It also tells me the amount of my portion and a lot of other things. I always keep these in a file on my desk so I can compare them to the bills I get from the medical providers to ensure I'm not overcharged. Yes, that has happened twice. I pulled out my EOBs and found two for the charges mentioned on the website. They did, in fact, bill me twice for one visit. I lay it aside until I could call them the next morning. That'd be today.

When I called and explained my concern, the woman was very nice and happily explained that a lot of people get confused about their billing. I agreed they had a system that was very hard to follow. I get bills for Deaconess services from three different billing offices. Here's the story.

First, the reason the bill I had didn't reflect the second charge was that I hadn't been billed yet. Good to know but I don't know why they hadn't billed me at the same time since they had already billed the insurance and were paid. But moving on.

So why was I billed a second time? Well, you see, one bill is where you saw the doctor. That was $123. The other bill is a facilities charge of $177."

......

"I see," I said. I didn't but I'd give her a chance.

"That's for the use of the facility," she said.

 "OK." Did she say to use the facility? I didn't go to the bathroom. "Well," I said. "Thank you for your help."

After I hung up, I pondered this conundrum. I paid to see the doctor in their office. I paid to see her and I paid to use the office so I could see her. There is something wrong with this but I'm at a loss as to where exactly it is.

I am paying to use the building to see the person they HIRED to see their patients. And I'm PAYING to see the person they hired to see their patients.

I can't figure it out. One thing I do know it that I'm ready for a change. I think it is time we went back to house calls. If they can charge me a facilities charge, I figure I could do the same.

A Short Tale about a Long Trip

Yes! Yes! It is I. I decided instead of dropping the news on Facebook I'd just post here and share it around. Saves time. Life on the Ledge has been precarious at times but it hasn't been fatal. I've been away from here since May, but I've got a few things I want to talk about so here I go.

I just got back from a much-needed vacation. I left on the 12 and stayed with my aunt and uncle in Atlanta two days before we all traveled on the 14th to Myrtle Beach. While I was at their home, I worked on their computers and got them back online. They'd been offline for ... well, a while, maybe a year. They had a new router and never got them set up because they used their IPads. Once I got all the tech sorted it was time to go. I still had updates to do but I could do them when we returned.

We stayed at Marina Dunes Inn on the Intercoastal Waterway. The photo above is the view from our room. It was lovely and a really beautiful condo. We did the usual shopping, eating, and they went to the beach twice. I preferred the indoor pool. No one used it and there was a nice shady patio just outside the doors that I had all to myself. I managed to read 5 books while we were there!

We returned to their home on the 19th and I spent the 18th finishing the computer project and packing up my things. I drove home on Friday. Let me tell you, it was eventful.

I started out at 8:30 and when I reached Chattanooga I hit a traffic jam. I got rerouted by Maps thru town, on Old 41. Beautiful drive over the mountain but 30 miles later, upon my reentry to the interstate, I was back in the traffic jam. Yeah, 30 miles at least. It lasted for another half hour before I got out. It began to rain a little and I decided where I'd make my next stop.

I got off at a place that I regularly stop when I take this trip, exit 114, at Manchester, TN. I figured I'd get gas and maybe grab a sandwich and get back on the road quickly. As I stood under the Raceway shelter and put the hose in my gas tank, it began to rain harder. Just as the pump started, the wind picked up and the guy at the pump ahead of me said the clerk told him there was a tornado warning. I turned around and the rain began to really lash at us. The wind picked up the garbage can and threw it at me. I turned to take turn the pump off and the power went out and suddenly it was as if everything went crazy. Someone threw a truckload of water at me and the world went white. I was blown back toward the car door. I was thankful I'd left it open because I scramble to get inside while my neighbor raced for the building, without a backward look, I might add. Everything seemed to be shaking and I just sat soaking in my clothes and watching trash cans fly by.

Whatever it was passed pretty fast because the sideways rain slacked off. I kept wondering why my wipers weren't clearing my windshield but then I realized that the water was on the inside. I pulled my attention from the storm outside and looked around. My dash, the windscreen, side windows, car doors, and my seat were wet where the rain had sprayed into the open door at the same time that load of water hit me. I thanked the God who gave me the good sense to put a roll of paper towels on the seat next to me. Really, there were right there. I remember putting them in the car and thinking I probably wouldn't need them but you never know. Not only was I soaked, my shoes were soaked, and the inside front of the car was soaked.

Eventually, my neighbor returned. He said they'd restart the pumps but soon found that impossible. My neighbor got a refund. I had used a credit card so I hoped that we were square. I managed to get a small amount of gas either way.

All power on that exit was out so I started toward Nashville and hoped for a place to stop so I could change clothes. I couldn't imagine riding the next 4 hrs wet. A Macdonald's presented itself at the next populated stop and I unpacked an outfit and shoes. After a change of clothes, I felt better and ordered a late lunch. Once that was completed, I set out, again toward Nashville. I needn't have hurried.

By the time I reached the Country Music Capital of the World, traffic was backed up and it took me another hour to get across town. I stopped at the state rest stop and walked around, pottied, and hit the road again. I didn't stop until I got to Evansville at 6:30 pm. I was tired.

The rest of the weekend I was wiped out. The vacation was wonderful and I always enjoy my family but that return trip was exhausting and it took three days to fully recover. This past week I've just spent lazing around. The house was clean because my friend Sue came in and cleaned from top to bottom.  I arranged it before I left and was glad I did because it turned into the best money I ever spent. I didn't unpack clothes for a week. God is so good to me. I've had a lot of pain in my joints the last couple of days, today is pretty severe but I have just been able to relax and take it easy.

This week, I've been busier trying to do the normal things, laundry, dishes, and taking care of bills. Thankfully, everything got paid and I can move onto other things. I had planned to finish up some construction projects and painting but the heat is so bad. I did manage to cut the grass and Mike and I both tackled the weed trimming but we had to do it in fits and starts. It is dangerously hot. I had to wash my hair 4 days in a row after doing outside work. It isn't much better inside either. The air conditioner has been almost unable to keep up with the heat. I could raise it to ease the burden on the system but once a house gets hot, it is really hard to cool it down again.

So, I've caught you up now and I'll try and stay on track. I've had so many physical issues lately that I really didn't want to bore folks with it. I've not been writing either because of it. If you follow this blog and want to keep up you can find me at all the places below.

My Week in Review

Been a long time since I posted here but I have so much news I decided it would be easier to disseminate. So for those of you still checking in, here we go. Monday has apparently become clean the house day because that will get me thru the week. Mike came and dug out the flower bed but I couldn't get to the planting because I was too tired after cleaning and laundry all day. I did put Castor beans in the ground. These will drive out the voles and moles, whose tunnels are causing a tripping hazard in my yard. It will take a few months but once they take root, those critters will head for daylight. This is an old gardeners trick. Tuesday.. funny, I don't remember a lot of it. I had a sleep doctor appt and that went well although, she said I needed to go to bed earlier so I don't need those 2 hr naps every day. She's probably right, but I've always been a night owl. If it wasn't for Sarah, I could sleep late in the mornings. 20 days of school left! I came home and spent the day reading. Sarah and I went to the grocery story after school, and then spent time doing her math homework. I was in bed by 9:30! Tuesday is the first day I've been on the computer for a week, I think. Wednesday I cut the yard, moved some edging stones around to the front to line the walk (I used the mower and trailer to move them, I'm not totally insane yet), and I was planning when she got home to get the seed in the ground! That didn't happen because the day caught up with me. I fell asleep in the chair for about a hour. I was still in bed by 10, though. I've also been walking. Went one day last week and couldn't walk .3 of a mile without nearly having to crawl back to the car. Both my hips were in agony. Upset me a bit because the future looked bleak. I waited and went back Monday and this time, I just walked around the small lake near the VA cemetery. The photo is a shot from the parking area, across the lake. I made it around 3 times but I had to sit on one of the benches each round to rest my hips. Went back Tuesday and made it 4 times with one rest, and that got me .5 of a mile! Yesterday, I made it .5 again with only one stop. So, maybe the future is not so bleak. Since my back injury and all the steroids they put me on, I gained too much weight! It will probably take a while to peel that back off. However, if I can keep walking, I might make a dent in it. The pain in my hips is probably a combination of too much weight, weak muscles from sitting around for 9 months, and the arthritis. The good news is, a short break between laps seems to make it ease up. So, I'm shooting for distance rather than speed. Once I can get around a half mile without stopping, I can try for more distance. There are benches around the lake but once I start hoofing around the cemetery, there are no places to sit... unless I pick a tombstone. There are some monuments with benches up on the hill but I'm nowhere near tackling that. So, now you're caught up for the week. We'll see how the rest of it goes.

End of the Line

It has been a long and strange journey on this blog. I seem to have lost the impetus to keep it going and I'm a bit sorry about it. I used to enjoy posting about the people and events in my life. I do post on my writing blog and sometimes on Rendered Praise but even that one has languished a bit and both are different. I'm not sure anymore what I want to do... or say.

My world has never recovered since Jerry died, not really. I mean, I've gone on with my life, such as it is. I'm still here. No, I haven't met someone. You actually have to see people for that to happen. I've stayed here in my home, raising my granddaughter. I retired, as you'll remember if you've read along. I thought I'd be able to write more. I got sick, and sicker, and sicker until I despaired of even living at times. How do you function when you're in so much pain all the time and you feel like you're on the wrong train?

You just keep going.

The truth is, I've never been able to right the upside-down world I was thrown into. There was just nothing normal about my life anymore. Nothing made any sense at all. More and more I found myself not wanting to write. Not wanting to do the things I used to do. I don't want to cook but I have an 11 yr old who has to eat. You'd think I'd lose weight but no, I gain it! I'm too tired or too sick to go out and exercise. Or it is so freaking cold or wet that it is impossible. Even the back surgery I had to repair the ruptured disk, although it made some things tremendously better, has not really made much difference in what I do.

I feel like a door is closing and maybe it is. This is probably the last post here I'll do. Maybe it is because I've just been sick for months with colds and I'm still sick with one, milder though it is. I really don't know. My immune system is very low now.

I just know that I don't have anything left to say. The interesting things, at least to me, have declined to the point that there is nothing I really enjoy doing. There are no family stories to relate because there is no family left. There are no work tales to tell because I can't work anymore. There are no exciting people or places or things to tell you about. There are plenty of annoyances, frustrations, and sadnesses but who wants to share that? And who wants to read it.

You'll say this is depression. Maybe it is a mild one. I don't even want to try and figure it out.  What I do want to say is thank you. If you've been with me on this convoluted journey, lived thru the nightmare of death, and laughed at my kids, thank you. I don't know why you did it. But I'm glad you did. You remained silent but if you stuck with me, thanks.

As of now, the blog will remain open. I get comments in my email, not that anyone ever does other than one or two here and there. But if you stop by, shoot me a comment to let me know. Will I come back? I don't know. I'm giving myself permission to give up several things this year. I have too many chains weighing me down and the need to shake them off won't leave me alone. I may if there is something good to say. Today, I can't think of one thing.

So I pray you are blessed and I hope I've given you enjoyment with my crazy Life on the Ledge.

Be happy. Be kind. In the end, that's what will count.

Popping in for an Update