It Fell

 

On Tuesday it fell. The axe mentioned in the previous post fell on Tuesday. The plug of my freezer, by some mysterious means, became free of it's electrical outlet and I lost an entire freezer of food. Ribs, pork chops, pork roast, chicken, 8 lbs of hamburger, several packages of fish, lots of frozen vegetables, some breakfast items, and frozen dinners. A full upright freezer of food gone. It was more than a month of meals. 

The bright side, if you can call it that, is that I could save the freezer. The weather has kept my garage a steady 100°. It probably took a couple of hours or less once the plug came free. The outlet is next to my garage door that leads into the house. It is possible we bumped the plug when some of us came in and pulled it free. We do not know how or when. I suspect it was without a couple of hours of my finding it since the garage was so heated. Whatever, we just know we lost $300-400 worth of food. 

In the mass confusion, I lost my key fob to the car. I panicked because that would be another $300-400. That sent me over the edge. I was afraid I had put it in the bags of food to throw away. So, had to unload all that bleeding meat and vegetables and check two bags. Couldn't find it. That meant at some point I had laid it down. I checked the house, the car, the garage, and no key.  The bags were to be moved but were heavy, and I could only manage a few inches. I looked down and on the floor lay my key fob. Why did I drop it? When did I drop it? I have no memory of the events at all.

I called Mike, and he agreed to come help me load the bags into the trunk of my car to take and dump it. 

Eventually, I calmed down, at least to a simmer. There is nothing I could do. I can't explain the how. I wish I knew the why. It's become exhausting to have a disaster of some sort happen every month. Every stinking month. For over a year now, I've had this kind of thing going on. I'm feeling as if Job may have been my father. 

My take away is that premonitions are real. And they are totally useless to prepare you. Their only value is to further stress you out once you know they're real. Here's the deal. I don't want to know the future, particularly if I can't affect a change on the negative aspects of it. It isn't a gift to know things. It is a curse.

Waiting for the Axe

Last week I felt my mood improving. I enjoyed getting out to cut the grass myself. Cleaning the garage gave me such a boost in morale, too, that I wanted to get back out the next day. I still have stuff to do in there, but it felt good to get rid of so much junk and I wanted to do more. The weather and my body didn't cooperate, but mentally, I was moving up.

So this week, why do I feel as if I'm waiting for some kind of explosion to happen behind me? The feeling that I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff with no safety rope or net is so profound I feel my heart racing just thinking about it. Think that is anxiety. I use all the tools I have to redirect myself, but I'm so stressed about ... nothing or at least, about something I feel coming but can't see!

Over the weekend I was in such terrible pain with my left shoulder and it has been a problem for months now. I told my doctor, and she talked about getting an MRI, but so far nothing. I'm sending a note via My Chart tonight to request they move on this. The pain is so horrible I can't use my arm when it flares up. I had the elbow surgery to help the nerve pain in my hand, but when this shoulder flares, the entire arm has nerve problems.

As usual, I made a note of the anxious feelings, so if something happens, there is a record of my premonition. I've had stuff like this all my life and it isn't funny when something happens and I couldn't prevent it. 

I drive more carefully, keep a closer check on the house, and wait for my phone to ring with bad new. I'll be elated when it doesn't happen. That rarely happens, the elation, I mean.

Today, the temperature was nearly 100°. That makes it impossible to do any outside work. I have to ration my time working in my yard because I may dig holes today and be flat of my back tomorrow. This year I wanted to plant flowers. I haven't done it for a couple of years. I wanted some tomatoes in pots but it hasn't happened. I managed to get bird feeders filled, and that has been enjoyable, particularly to the cats. They can sit for hours watching them. Well, if I didn't have to keep the curtains closed to block the heat. 

I shudder to see the next electric bill. I must remind folks that just because you went to +$15 and hour in pay, doesn't mean everyone did. Social Security folks got about $20 in cost-of-living increase. AND we pay for our medicare out of that. What, you didn't know medicare wasn't free? For many of us, there was actually no increase in income.

So, I'm done now. For the moment, I'll just sit back and see where the axe is going to fall. 

Spring Cleaning

 As part of my cleaning and scaling down, I spent a couple of hours working on my book case. I have a small box of books I'm getting rid of. There will be more. No one in my family has my reading taste and so there's no point and keeping them or passing them along. I also packed all Sarah's things and let Becca put them in storage. She can decide if she wants them or not. 

That was yesterday. I had to stop writing to pick up Madi from school. She's doing summer school this year. She had a blast but the poor thing was so hot riding on the bus. Her little face was beet red and she looked drained. "I went to sleep on the bus, Mawmaw. It was really hot." It took an hour for them to get home. 

Why would they not have air on school buses? It wouldn't even be used that much but in the fall and spring it still gets very hot and half an hour in a tin can is not good for small children. If global warming is such a big thing, we need to do what we can for our children when they're in situations that could make them ill.

Today, I'm still working on organizing and cleaning things. The den is mostly finished. After this, I'll be moving to the spare room. The single bed is probably going to go. It's unnecessary and it will make more room for my sewing and crochet items. I have considered making a simple Murphy bed frame. That way I'd have a spare bed but still retain space. I'll have to see how it goes.

Becca went to the a new foot doctor today and he appears to be more knowledgeable than the previous one. They put a brace on her foot and will be doing an MRI. Why the other one didn't do that I have no idea. The new one indicated it should have been done. She appears to have a damaged ligament and he said if it is, she's not going to be able to work at all until it is resolved. 

Mike had another episode with his anxiety. He's on medicines but for some reason it seems to not be working. Not sure what's happening there.

The last several nights I was able to get some good sleep. Last night we all went to bed by nine p.m. and this morning I have been pretty busy with various small jobs. Being busy seems to keep the bugaboos away for me. It is why writing was always such a wonderful thing. Maybe getting rid of the extra baggage will help. 

For now, I'll just keep plowing ahead. Time is flying and the sooner it is all done, the better I'll feel. 

Don't Plan the Future

Finally, we got the mower, and I cut the yard yesterday. It took less than an hour and less than 2 gallons of gas. That's a huge improvement money wise. Weed trimming still has to be done, but that can be sometime this week. It is the one thing that is really hard on me. 

Becca says she'll do it for me, but she's having so much trouble with her foot that I don't want to let her. It was better for a bit but she went into Rural King with me and their floors there are terrible on any foot or back problem. 

Today we were going to clean the garage out, but it was pretty hot. I think we're going to have to pick a time either early in the morning or after sundown. The day was nice but very warm and just cutting low branches off the dogwood tree warmed me up. I cut several other things back. We also worked on our fire pit so we can sit outside in the evenings - after we get some bug repellent. Tomorrow, I'll gather the limbs up and put them in the pit for burning. 

My fig tree has some fresh growth on some of the old stalks. This is the first time I've seen this. Every year it grows new stalks. They die off and I have to cut them out. So, today I cut the old ones off and left the ones with new growth. There are dozens of new stalks coming in too. I can't wait till I can have some figs. I wish I had the kind that fruits in the spring, but mine is a fall producer. Did not know there were two kinds. 

I may see if I can order one of the other kind from some place. They're not native here and the birds have no clue what it is. Nor do the squirrels! The ants don't seem to have a problem.

Time is not my friend these days. I'm very depressed and there is no solution. Facebook seemed to aggravate things, so I deactivated the account. I'm not fit to socialize at the moment and don't know when that will change. I don't actually care if it does or not. 

The beautiful, funny girl I knew has gone. Sarah has become rude and hateful to us. She won't call and if we call, she won't talk to us. I do not know what the problem is, and I am devastated about it. She said she hates us and never wants to see us again. 

Burying the living is harder than burying the dead. Each day is a struggle to get through. More so because there is no grave to visit. No, I'm not sitting crying. I'm not doing anything but what must be done and I don't want to do that. Whatever happens, I don't care. Several times I've entertained selling the house. Today I checked on some senior living sites. My house is still cheaper to live in, so it is probably better to just die at home and sell everything. I just want to go home. And that isn't an actual place anymore either.

Note: check with the cemetery on the tombstone. I keep forgetting that. Also, call about cremation expense and if I can prepay. If I play my cards right, I can be in the ground for less than $5K. I mean, just dig a hole and pour me in it.

The other day I was looking at family heirlooms and wondering what I'm supposed to do with those. When you don't have daughters and no descendants, and you never know who the next daughter-in-law will be, you don't want to leave them to just anyone. I'm trying to get all my family history stuff together to give to the Genealogy library. But really, no one will care. My line ends here, so there's no reason to care about that either. 

I discovered too late that planning a future is a waste of time. Better to have just lived each day and let what happens happen. Your future won't be what you plan. That way, you won't be disappointed, and you may be pleasantly surprised. 

'Tween Days

 I seem to be on the mend. The coughing is better, as is my runny nose. I don't run fevers because of the meds I take, but the headache has also improved. 

I haven't slept well because I keep taking my mask off at night. Becca tells me she can hear me snoring badly in her room, so I definitely am not resting. I have to get that fixed asap. That can cause the headaches and brain fog. 

Today is a 'tween day. I'm between feeling well and feeling unwell. It is where I spend most of my time, anyway. We've had tons of rain and the grass will be ready for me to use the new mower tomorrow. Of course, we're still getting rain, off and on, today. So, until it dries out, I won't cut it. That'll be fun.

For weeks I've tried writing, with limited success. The new computer is nice, but I miss my laptop for the freedom to leave the house to write. Of course, a dozen words don't seem like much, but when you feel this bad, anything can be a roaring success. 

Here's the truth. I want to sell up and go far away. Get on a plane and leave for some place new, where no one knows me. Realistically, I can't, but isn't that just the way life happens? It plays games with your head. There is no longer much to hold me here. Jerry is blocks away, but the reality is he isn't. No family close by but Mike, Phyllis, Becca and Madi. They need me around, but I suspect most of them would pack up with me. 

It comes back to home. That's not an actual place either. Home is where your heart is, really. When the heart is gone, there is no home. Well, it's true for me. I haven't had a home in a long time. I have a house that I truly love. There are several people I love. I no longer have a home. 

If you ask me if that is regret, I would say no, that I have very few regrets. My biggest is I didn't make the most of the good things. And time is running out. I'm more conscious of it than I've ever been and not sure why. 

You know, I remember dreaming of Mama's death 2 weeks prior to it, and Jerry's three months prior. I dreamed of Billy's death many years ago, but it didn't happen for a very long time. You live wondering if you could have done anything to prevent it. In Bill's case, I got up and prayed for him and he didn't die for over 40 yrs. Did I delay it? Doubtful. I don't control those things. And I keep ranting about what's the point. I'm hoping I don't dream of my own. I'd rather it be a surprise where I go to sleep here and wake up with Jesus, Mama, and Jerry. Regardless, it makes me a lot more conscious of the motion of time. Everything is a blur. 

My posts have been rather depressing, but it helps to get all this mess out of one's head. Keeping toxic thoughts inside is terrible. It can harm you. Of course, getting them out may harm others but they can start their own journal. 

I keep going over my to do list. It is depressing. They're daunting tasks that will hurt me. LOL. Really.

List of things I need to do asap:

1. Clean out the garage and dispose of the junk.
2. Paint two rooms
3. Remove and replace the floor in the kitchen and laundry room, paint both, and replace cabinets. (That's going to be a seriously painful job.)
4. Clean out closets, get rid of a lot of furniture, go through personal items and dispose of as many as I can part with. 
5. Sort personal paperwork and catalogue it. 

Thank you, God, I got a lawn mower! One less painful job. If I can accomplish all that, I'll feel less stress for sure.