April Came Smiling In

April arrived with much nicer weather, although she's a little fickle about it. Still, it is nice to have sunshine and warmer air. Today was almost too warm but I'll take it as it is. 
 

I haven’t got back to the gym. I planned to go back by May 1, but I want to go now. After the pain problems with my legs, I afraid to go too soon. Today, a walk around the yard to clean up trash from aliens, I struggled to do it. I dragged a trash bag around. It wasn’t heavy, but you’d have thought I was trudging uphill with a 50 pound pack. I couldn’t hardly walk the yard. It really is scary for me. I’m unsure what to do, and I don’t know what I’m going to do!

Sarah hasn’t been since her last dental appointment. I miss her so much, but I’m pretty sure she won’t visit unless she is at her Mom’s. It’s about choices. She calls once in a while, when she can be on her phone. And a text here and there. No photos, though. 

It’s been over a year since I saw my family in Georgia. As soon as I can, I’m going down for a visit. If that goes well, I’m going to Florida to see my family there. Don’t know where I’ll stay, but I have a tent and am not above borrowing a yard somewhere. 

Writing hasn’t been happening. I did eek out a bit here and there, but it feels as if my brain has just gone on holiday some place drab and boring. When I searched for some files on my computer a few weeks ago, I found that I have 5 unfinished novels about the same town and a family of sisters! I’ve spent some time since trying to put them in order time wise and writing here and there to finish them. Five! That’s just ridiculous. The trouble with NaNoWriMo is that you don’t finish one before it is time for the next one. I was in charge locally for nearly 10 years. This is the result. 

I can only hope I can finish them, but with my mind and body subject to this blinding fatigue, I have little hope. 

Oh, I went to church for the last two weeks! So exciting! I so missed it, and I can’t tell you how great it was to go back. 

I’m going to close out this post and see about food. I’m not sure what I want, but I need to eat something. I hope you’re all doing well. 

#prowritingaid

#april

#lifeontheledge

My March Catch-Up

 Life is moving on at a steady pace. Already it is the 6th of March. I feel like the world is in chaos but I've kept my windows and doors closed and banned all news except the occasional glimpse of a paper or a comment from someone who says, "did you hear about". My response is usually "No." 

I can trust both my sons to inform me of newsworthy events, the youngest more so than the older. Well, actually my oldest son reports on local events while my younger is very political and reports on national or global events. So, I'm as informed as I want to be. I see some things on Facebook but have limited myself to only small news agencies not affiliated with the network news. 

For the moment, I'm doing better. I don't know if I've posted about the problems I've had walking. In a nutshell, I couldn't walk without extreme pain in the back of my legs - hip to heel. It became impossible to move around the house for more than a few feet, and carrying anything was agony. 

A few weeks ago I remembered I have Plantar Fasciitis and wondered if that could be a factor. I researched and eureka! It could. I put on my shoes and 24 hrs later; I was walking without pain. This week I bought new shoes because they don't sell house shoes with heels. I have to wear a heel with my PF. Now I'm walking fine. 

Today the house is relatively clean, the cats are relatively happy, and I'm not so tired I can't do anything. My fatigue is compounded lately by changes to my BP meds, I believe. After I take them, I almost always have to go to bed and sleep for two hours. 

I haven't been writing as I'd like. Too much fatigue and I run out of spoons by the time I get done with my daily chores. By May I must be ready to get back to the gym or cancel my membership. I put it on hold because of my leg pain. I really hope I can go back before May, but I want to be sure I've allowed my legs to heal enough to prevent further injury.

Until then, I'll just keep being careful. I went and bought better shoes to wear inside. Not a house shoe, but a pair of Skechers that are stretchy and have a support for my foot. They're just for inside, though I forgot and kept them on the other day to run to the store. They're so comfy I forget them. 

And that's the way it is, March 6, 2010. Not much in the way of excitement. Do take care of yourselves and have a good weekend.

Just Breathe

 It occurred to me a few weeks ago that for the first time in 12 years I wasn't dragged into a pit of memories and grief over the course of November, December, and January. I admit it was a surprising realization. 

When the journey began, more like a train wreck than a journey, they told me the average time to recover from the death of a spouse was about 6 years. Obviously, I am an underachiever. I took twice as long. I can only attribute that to the accompanying PTSD that resulted from my experience. 

Maybe you could have done better. Maybe you know someone who did. I'm truly happy for them. I wish.

It took me a bit to understand what was going on with me. Apparently, my brain doesn't release trauma as easily as other folks do. I have memories from my childhood that can destroy my day in an instant. I've controlled this stuff over the years, but not without extreme efforts. Jerry's death nearly destroyed me, and even today, I don't handle stress with the same ease I once did. I break easily now, something that shocks my closest family members when it happens.

And I still have days when a memory can pop up and just wreck my composure. I sit and cry but it isn't the soul shredding of early days and the intense sadness that follows, I can cope with. 

Am I "over it"? No. That won't happen. I remember all the times I should have been nicer, more understanding, not taken part in an argument, and said "I love you" more. I remember every moment of the last 24 hours of his life. And I can't think about it. Ever. It is a nightmare I try very hard to avoid at all cost, sometimes failing. I remember the sound of his wedding ring striking the post of the headboard of our bed as he struggled with a massive coronary, and the deathly silence that followed. For months I heard that sound. And if I try very hard, I can still hear it. Just writing these words makes it hard to breathe. 

Just breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe!

The cliche is that time heals all wounds. Maybe. I'm not sure. I carry massive scars that no one but I can see. And believe me, they are deep and painful. I often ask myself if I'll ever stop hurting from it. I have no answer to that. Some folks find a new spouse in a few years. I haven't even considered it. I've met death once, up close and personal. He won that fight. The next time, maybe I'll win and Jerry will walk me home.

For now, I just try to breathe. 

In With a Fizzle

  2021 rolled in with a razzberry. I'm not impressed at this point. I hope your New Year started well.

I've actually done a lot this week. On Monday, I vacuumed the den and living room, washed three loads of laundry and put it away, made my bed, and cleaned cat boxes. I straightened up things that were a bit disarrayed with Mike staying here last week. He kept things neat and cleaned up after himself well.

Tuesday, I was pretty much a couch potato. The Monday marathon took its toll and sapped my energy. Today, a beautiful but cold Wednesday, I'm even more tired and I have some stomach issues. I always have the stomach issue for a couple of days after I take my Humira shots. I took it Monday so it is par for the course. I should be fine tomorrow. 

I have to pick up a few groceries today or tomorrow. Honestly, I get so tired of preparing food! You'd think I'd lose weight. But I enjoy eating. 

This week, I'm considering setting up a plan for myself. I get so little accomplished and my mind is so disorganized, I can't seem to focus on things. Perhaps if I create a plan, I can stick to it and see some progress. 

Won't be today. I've been so tired all day and did nothing at all up to this point. I have to go get Mike soon, so he can go to the store for me. Another job I hate! 

The only positive I feel lately is that I'm reading my bible and doing my devotions more faithfully. I've had some really great blessings and felt much better about some things that were bothering me. 

This is short and I don't see where I complained as much, so I hope you don't find it boring. 

Have a wonderful week. I really need to work on making this more interesting. (And proof read.)

Mid-December Update: Life

 I'd like to say life has begun to return to normal. I'd like to but it hasn't. However, at my house, it seems the virus is in retreat. The fatigue is still a problem but since I have fibromyalgia, that isn't going to change except in intensity. I still have some coughing but it is one of those things where you hear the stuff breaking up in your chest. 

Even though I'm feeling better health wise, my mood is rather dark most days. I stopped listening to news over a year ago. I read online articles and I try to limit the agency reporting. The poison seeps in, and I get so angry. So, I'm going to need to cut off the sources of this. It is toxic. I'm a rather non-violent person and if I'm affected this deeply, I shudder to think how some more volatile folks are reacting. If they have mental issues, it will be even worse. 

I've had to shut this blog down to registered readers only because David's ex-wife took exception to my posts about Sarah's treatment in her home. If you have read this blog long, you know I rarely call out people and never by name. I guess if you cared enough, you could go digging and find it. I've deleted all photos of them, so that's not an issue. 

She claims it is all lies and is giving David problems. It is hilarious to me that David's first wife, while they had some issues over Sarah, she never really caused any problems for him and never attempted to, letting him stay in the apartment. He didn't in order for her to have a place to stay with Sarah. They worked it out and things settled down. The second wife got him to help buy her parents' home, and he's on that loan.Then she kicks him and Sarah out. So, he can't buy a house or a car as long as he's on that loan. The court has ordered her to take him off, but she's not done it because she can't afford the loan herself! He could not get a plate for his car in the state he's living in now because of this. He's making his car payment, which is included in the loan. And she's upset because I call a spade a spade. 

I'm sick of ugly people. She's lucky it isn't me. I would stop making that car payment. She could make the whole thing or get the loan squared away. 

Yes. I can be nasty. 

Anyway, it isn't my problem and David is not that kind of person. He'll go a long way to resolve it but I am concerned because he needs a place where he is and cannot do much. 

I'm putting up a Christmas tree this year. I'm spending a few days after Christmas at David & Tasha's house. She asked me to come! Can you believe that? Ex never actually invited me to their house, and she made sure she was home very little so she didn't have to entertain us. She managed the last year to avoid coming here at all. 

So, it is refreshing getting invited to my son's home. I spent hours at his house when he lived here with Becca and enjoyed it. Once Covid is under control, maybe I can spend more time visiting him and his new family. This lady seems nice, and she's got a sense of humor. Sarah really loves her, too. For that, I'm so very thankful. 

I guess I should stop here and actually do some work. I have a couple of chapters in my friend's book to read and edit for him. They were missing from my originals. I have a book I'm trying to read and have been for weeks! I couldn't read at all during my illness. I couldn't concentrate on anything at all, and even watching TV. was hard, too. 

Need to go now. I am really feeling down today. I need to decompress.