The Hell I See and Hear

It is February 5 and I'm officially over the worst of the holidays. All that remains is Valentine's Day, and that doesn't really matter, anyway. Jerry usually forgot such things. It isn't the day, rather it is the images and atmosphere that are troubling. But so are normal days.

This morning, as I was on my way home from dropping Sarah off at school, I was thinking about something related to a story element. It was unrelated to anything I am working on so I can't tell you why I thought about it. I suspect, in hindsight, that I was just messing around in my head. I should never do that. I know better. 

As I cruised along at 35 mph, I suddenly had a horrific flashback. Really, I don't have them often anymore but I still get them occasionally. I could see Jerry in the bathroom, in the middle of the night, when I got up to see about him. He was in the dark and said he was all right. He wasn't, but I didn't know. Then, remember waking up to him thrashing around on the bed, his wedding ring hitting the headboard railing and making that horrible sound. I saw myself jumping out of bed, running around the bed, calling him and then the room goes horribly quiet. By the time I got the light on and saw him I knew. But 10 years later I still try to wake him. I pat his cheek, call him, scream for help. 

It is all so vivid but I'm sitting in my car, driving down Virginia Street at 7:30 a.m. in 2019. It isn't January 29, 2009 at 3 a.m. in the middle of the ice storm of the century. I keep driving and I shout, over and over. "STOP. STOP. STOP. STOP" When that fails to stop the scenes, I pray for it to stop. Miraculously, it does as I pull into my street. 

My firm opinion is that hell is reliving all the horrible things you've seen, done, and thought in your entire life. My brain doesn't let go of trauma so I fervently hope I've served my time. I'm trying to be faithful so that something better is waiting and the hell I see and hear won't follow me.

Someone once told me it gets better. They lied. I don't relive it as often.



  

Ten Holidays

So, another Christmas done. I'm not sorry. I was blessed to have Becca, Sarah, and Madilyn with me and my sister came by for Christmas dinner. It was such fun watching Madi get so excited over the tree and presents. Sarah, of course, is an old hand at all that stuff and getting her excited is a lot harder. Of course, she had fewer gifts this year but she did get things she asked for and so I think she was fine with it.

Becca brought Madi over on the 23rd to stay until the 26th and we decided we'd get Madi's presents wrapped and under the tree after she went to bed. Sarah's were already there when they arrived.

Madi kept asking me where her presents were and I told her they'd be here "tomorrow", on Christmas Eve. I felt so sad because it was evident that this 3 yr old could understand that something was off with the presents. But she trusts me so she didn't really make a fuss.

Christmas Eve, when I came down the hall to the living room, Madi met me grinning and grabbed my hand. "Mawmaw, Santa brought me and you presents last night! Come and see!" I thought it was sweet she thought I was included in those presents. I wasn't but it wasn't about me anyway. She was vibrating with excitement and the rest of the day we struggled to keep her from opening them all. We showed her her name on them and spelled it out for her. She knew exactly which ones were hers. We did let her open two hoping to appease her but by sunset, we were done and we opened them.

Both girls seemed to enjoy their gifts. Sarah got her ITunes gift cards and bluetooth headset and books. Madi got the kind of things 3 yr olds get: PlayDoh, colors and coloring books, and baby doll stuff.

The girls went home tonight. Sarah to spend a few days with her mom before going back to school. I am home alone. As I took the photo of the tree, I thought of all the Christmases I've had alone since Jerry died. There have been 10 Thanksgivings, 10 Christmases, 10 New Years, 10 anniversaries, 10 Valentine's Days. Oh, some family have been here for the day here and there but always, at the end of the celebration, I sit in front of the tree and try to find a glimmer of something that feels like a holiday. Eventually, I think of all the Christmases that may lie ahead and well, we'll leave it there.

I'm not wallowing in pity. I had my annual grief cry today and visited Jerry at the cemetery. I stayed a long time and just sat in the car and listened to a podcast as I watched the grave stones in the VA cemetery. Some had wreaths, some had flowers and some had nothing. There were a few new graves. Jerry needs new flowers and I promised to bring them this week.  I don't know if it matters, actually, but it does to me.

It made me sad to see the forgotten ones. Once I wondered who'd put flowers on my grave regularly and realized that I'm the end. There will be no one left here for that. Well, if that ain't the story of my life. Of course, there won't be anyone to put them on his either. That's bothers me.

Wednesday Rant 10/12/18

I just needed to vent, I guess. Sorry if you're bored or annoyed but I feel ever so much better! There is some kind of hiccup about two minutes in and the audio is out of sync. I've tried to fix it but it was so time consuming I got aggravated. May do that later but hey, this is just for friends and family anyway.

Catching Up to Y'all

I've gotten so bad at posting things here. I considered letting it go but once in a while, something belongs here and not on the other two blogs.

For the last several weeks, I've been doing pretty good. I started taking Benedryl at night when I go to bed for allergy problems that affect my using the BiPap machine. I found it helped my sleep, too. I also started taking Spirulina and Chlorella. You can look it up but it has some health benefits that I felt I needed. It helps remove heavy metals from the body and other toxins and also helps stabilize gut bacteria.

Here's a strange thing. I'm better. I mean, overall, I have very little pain. Low back pain at night but I have something for that. Shoulder pain and pain in my hand from the nerve damage are still an issue but there is virtually no joint pain. My hands get stiff and sometimes I find it hard to open my hand in the mornings but that's pretty much it. I don't know if it is the weather or one of the things I've been taking. Whatever, I'm thankful. And making good use of it. I suspect a change in weather will confirm or negate my belief.

The laundry is done and put away. The house has been swept and I even mopped one day. Drove my back crazy but it got done. I've cut the grass twice in the last month and worked in the yard a bit. I've moved a few things around, not all at once. This week I'm working on getting some picture frames painted and photos hung. I am planning, if the feel-good lasts, to patch some places in the walls and sand them off. Eventually, I'll get the money to buy more paint.

Alas, I've not done a lot of writing. I did some and there is a word count calendar here: Novels & Progress where you can check out the word counts of each one and see the days I wrote and how much. This is really more for me to keep a check without having to open a bunch of files and since it is easy to access, I thought why not share it.

So, there you have it. This is September and the last time I posted here was in July, when my brother died. I had a rough time for several weeks but now, as long as I don't think about it, I can manage. I miss him so much. In the last few years, he hardly ever called and so I didn't hear from him or know how he was or even where he was. Death has a way of shifting priorities. I have a huge family back home and this reminded me how very much I miss them all and wish I was more a part of their lives.

I'm headed off to get Sarah soon, so I'll end this here. I probably should post more often. I have these so someday, when I'm gone, Sarah can come back and at least feel that I'm not very far away and that she has a glimpse of who her Mawmaw was. Maybe she won't care but the option will be hers.

Traveling Woes

We're sitting in the library in Mena, Arkansas so we can use our computers. This is a nice little library even if small. I've been here several times on previous visits. The only drawback I've found is that the employees are quite chatty and haven't stopped talking for nearly an hour. The tables we use are near the front door and front desk and so it isn't as if we can avoid it. I don't have a major problem with it but it is distracting when trying to read or write. It is a library, after all, and they shushed me and Sarah on one of those previous visits, so it must matter.

Our trip down was fairly uneventful if you don't count losing my debit card. Never fear, we immediately blocked it but it is annoying. Thank goodness I have my credit card.

We left at 6 a.m. and arrived by 5:30 p.m.  A long day but traffic wasn't bad at all. Sunday might just be the best day to travel. We'll see because tomorrow is Wednesday and we're headed back to Evansville, Indiana. I hope we can leave by 6 a.m. again.

I have a lot to do when I get back but I suspect I'll have to recover from the trip. Seems the longer the drive the harder it is for me to bounce back. I didn't drive at all but I was exhausted and am still tired.

This is old news and it gets annoying. I'm tired of being tired and hurting all the time is a pain. I'm going to stop here and find something to do besides cruise the web. I should probably check my library books I borrowed before I've read several in the last week on my Kindle and need to return them.

Have a great week.