Lost & Found

Last night I pulled out my pill minder and poured my Thursday night pills in to my palm. I do this every night, refilling the minder once a week. I have a method to this. I take the numerous supplements and the five prescriptions I have and I sit down with the minder. I take all the lids off and one by one, bottle by bottle, and I put the pills in their appropriate day and time - morning, evening, and bed. I recap each bottle, put it in the storage box I use. Cap all the minder slots and put it back in my nightstand drawer.

The pills last night were the last for this week. Meaning, I refilled it last Thursday. As I poured out the pills, something fell into my hand. I looked and screamed, not once but several times. My blue topaz ring lay on my palm. I'm surprised that I didn't drop the pills but apparently, I don't do stupid things all the time. I put them in the small dish I use so I can take them one at a time. My lost ring was found.

I was beside myself, both overjoyed and confused. How was that possible? I have a method to putting the pills in the minder.  I'm left handed so I hold the bottle in my right hand, pour out pills into my left hand, switch them to my right hand, and then, with my left hand put a pill in the tiny boxes with my left. I have to be careful because I've put double doses in at times. Some of the pills are similar. You don't want to take a double dose of those because they cause blindness. So, I'm careful.

I tell you this because I wear the blue ring on my right hand. I have no idea how it could possible get into the pill minder. I would have had to take it off with my left hand and drop it into the Thursday bedtime slot. Why? It wasn't in a bottle. It was on my finger.

Alternatively, I could have held my hand over that slot and let the ring slide off my finger and into it, put the pills in, and then close the cap. Really?

Or, did I, at some point that night or the next, open the minder and drop the ring in and say, I'll just store my ring here for now? Why?

I have no idea. There is no logical scenario to account for the ring being just there. I'm only glad that it has returned. And I'm  thankful to all those friends who have been praying sincerely for its return.

Just before I took my pills I was drying off from my shower. It's been a rough week with negative things happening. In my frustration, I happened to say a prayer that included this statement. "Lord, my ring is gone and I'm heartbroken over it. I need you to help me accept that and help me get over it."

Moments, later my ring lay in my palm.

Too Deep to Plumb

There are depths of despair that I would not wish anyone to ever plumb. I've been to depths I never thought it possible to descend and had I considered it, I'd have thought it impossible to return alive. And yet, I'm still here.

You think, during the grief process, that it will never end. In a sense, it never does. You do resurface but you don't ever really reach land. At least, I haven't. You learn to tread water. You must or you drown. You know what lies beneath and you never want to try that descent again. So, you just keep paddling. You get tired but you never stop.

I've gotten better in many ways at treading water. In fact, sometimes I can actually swim. There's no land in sight but I dare not stop.

This summer has been lighter, as if someone opened a window. The weather was beautiful for moths. Since June, I've felt better for much of that time. I was sick from a virus for the six month prior to that. I began walking in July, something I thought would be impossible with my joint problems and pain. I started with 10 minutes and managed to work up to half an hour in which I knock out a just over a mile and a half.

Last week, I messed up. On Wednesday I lost a ring that Jerry bought me when I graduated from college in 1995. It was a blue topaz in a filigree band. It was so pretty, not very expensive but just so lovely. It was $99 when he bought it. It was the most special gift he'd ever bought me. And I lost it. It fell off my hand. I can't figure out how it happened.

I'm pretty sure it was in CVS on First Ave. They won't let me put up a flyer offering a reward. I remember something falling near my foot but I was so distracted and tired I looked around and when I didn't see anything, I just moved on. It took four days to figure out what I'd done. Now, I've sunk to such dark depths and I can't figure out what to do.

It's just a ring. It means nothing to anyone but me. It has no intrinsic value other than the price of gold. You might be able to pawn it for $50. I'd pay twice that to get it back. But it has reopened a crevasse that has taken me years to escape. And as before, I can't do a thing about it. I can only struggle for the surface.  I want my ring back. I want to be able to sit and look at it and remember the day we bought it. I want to pass it to Sarah and watch her try it on, knowing it will be her's someday. I want to tell her the story of looking down in the jewelry case and picking it out and how it felt when he brought it home sized for me. I want to tell her why it is so special and hand it to her they way Jerry handed it to me.

I lost it. And the revelation I had was that life is just one series of losses after another. We're all losers most of the time. Winning at anything pales in comparison to what you have to lose. Ultimately, I think, what you lose is a reflection of who you really are, deep down. Had I lost the ring my mother bought me when I was 15 I'd have been sad. I wouldn't have been devastated. Had I lost even the necklace Jerry bought me for Christmas when we were dating, I would not have been so desolate. What I've lost is more than a simple ring. I've lost dreams. You can't replace that.

The depths to which they fall can't be plumbed.

Cathartic Thoughts

There never seems to be enough hours in my Saturdays to do all that I have to do. My day started early. I was up at 7:30 and at the cemetery for my walk at 8 a.m. I grabbed breakfast on my way to a meeting.

I had a meeting at the mall with my NaNo co-ML to review some plans for the kickoff. We nailed down the location, got some ideas and encouragement about the goodie bags and write-ins. From there I headed to Hobby Lobby again to try and pick up some things. They didn't have the items but I picked up some other things... books for Sarah. I went from there to Office Depot to get ink in a couple of forms.

My next stop was home where I stayed long enough to talk to Dave about lunch before we went searching for it.

I ran out of steam around 2 p.m. and came home for a few hours. For some reason the day came crashing down and I was plunged into the abyss. You know the one. Every once in awhile it opens its maw and I am sucked into the dark. I had to get out of the house and the only thing I could think of was the solitude of the cemetery. At 6 p.m. I took second walk in the cemetery.

I suppose if I had met anyone they would have been concerned for my mental state. I walked and cried. Yes, I know. But I did. And I prayed and cried some more. It didn't help. The overwhelming desire to go home again is one that can't ever be resolved for me. I've lost a whole family in more ways than one. It doesn't end. There is no solution, no fix, no relief from the desire to go home. There is no home left to go to.

I do not like these disturbances when they come. The walk was more or less a fugue. I walked but as to what I saw or heard I don't recall much but the pavement at my feet.

Once I left the cemetery it was nearly 7 p.m. and was dusk. I needed headlights to drive. I'll have to be doing the walks by 5:30 before much longer. At least the days are still comfortable. I dread the thought of walking in the cold.

I didn't go home immediately. I was still far to upset so I went to Sonic to collect my free drink and eat onion rings. I pretty much sat my usual stall at the back, facing the darkened hearing aid store and cried. Believe me when I tell you that eating and crying is near impossible. Once I finished with both I sat for a while and just tried to regain some sense of control. Once home I simply sat around doing nothing.

Sarah came over around 8:00 for the night. We read the new books and started watching The Indian in the Cupboard. She fell asleep about halfway through but I watched the whole thing. It is still a great movie.

I don't know why I stopped to write this blog. Maybe because these days it is my only real source of conversation. I've become a fair recluse I think. I'm fine with it most of the time. Except when I'm not: i.e. when I see a family having a good time, or a couple laughing with one another, anything that remotely resembles my old life robs me of light.

I may have mentioned this before but I've taken to avoiding all manner of situations. I still don't watch a whole genera of movies and don't read quite a lot of a certain type of book. Suspense, thrillers, or British mysteries, all minus the homey scenes of other movies. I also don't do death scenes or love scenes. Those are potty or food breaks. In fact, in real life I avoid experiences that revive memories. Holidays, such as the upcoming Thanksgiving, are still not things I want to do. I'm obligated to do them but they no longer hold much appeal for me.

Still the blog is my catharsis. And now, I suspect sleep will be one also.

Aching Calves & Brain Tweeks

Is is only Tuesday night? Really?

I've had severe pain in both calves for three days and I have no idea why. I have not walked in at least a week because I've either been exhausted, it rained, or I've been so busy I didn't get time. Sunday I had trouble walking. I could hardly walk yesterday and today, for most of the day, it was horrible. I see my primary doctor on Thursday and will address it with her. The weekend was rushed, as you should have read in a previous post. So, here we are at Tuesday. The only positive is Friday is two days away and vacation a few weeks.

Mike's birthday was Sunday and we all went to church and then to lunch together. Both my sister and I had diarrhea afterward. We both had clams. We eat at this restaurant a lot and never had this issue. Very odd... and unpleasant. I still had a problem on Monday.

I bought Mike a new smart t.v. for his birthday and he bought himself a stand for it. Dave and I went over to help him set up.I wish I had not. I don't want to go into detail but let me just say that the people on Hoarders are real people. They exist. I went back to Mike's tonight to help him get started cleaning up. This is going to take awhile. It is very stressful.

I'm tired and about to go to bed but I have spent some time tweaking my writing blog tonight. It is an old blog that started life as something else.  I like what I'm doing with these writing challenges the group has done. I'm writing more these days than I have in a long time. My efforts to limit my time on less productive pursuits has allowed me time to walk and the walking has stimulated my brain. I have to tell you that the cemetery walks have begun to feed me ideas and that's always a fun prospect. I feel more ready for NaNo than I've felt in several years. Now if I can just get the kick-off set up!

So, with that, I'll say good night.

A Busy Saturday

What a busy day I had today. I didn't get up as early as I wanted and so did not get to go walk. However, Sarah and I got up around 9 and we went to Willard Library to explore the "haunted" library. 

Early last week she went on a field trip and her reading buddy told her about the grey lady who is said to haunt the library. Sarah was terrified and went on and on about it. I assured her it was all just a story and not true and that Daddy and Uncle Mike had loved to go to Willard Library when they were small. 

After extensive discussion it was decided that another trip was in order just to prove there were no ghost and I suspect to see if I was brave. 

The trip went well with Sarah showing me around. Never mind I'd made numerous trip years ago. And it does have a lot of charm and lots of creaking wood floors and steps with displays already for Halloween.

 I quite enjoyed revisiting it, but the stairs, despite being wide and a relatively gentle slope, are simply a bit much for bad knees and bifocals. I forgot there was an elevator but after all the whole trip was to experience the extremely creaky floors and stairs. 

After the library we came home. I had a writer's meeting at 2 p.m. I had to get ready for and David was taking Sarah to the park. I left around 1 and picked up lunch to take with me to Washington Square Mall. Today was literacy day and there was a lot going on in the mall. Music, drums, and stories being read on one of the raised platforms that are scattered throughout the cafe court. I never realized they could remove the railing from these to make a kind of stage. 

The meeting was really a lot of fun. DeWayne brought photos this time and we each selected one and wrote a story from it. When I saw my photo I was a bit daunted and wondered what in the world I was going to do with it. It was just too weird. He told us we could select another if we didn't like the one we got but I decided to tough it out and go with it. We wrote for 20 minutes, despite the cacophony of the story telling and music blaring over the  loud speakers. And in the end, my photos was a good choice. I needed the challenge. In fact, I think everyone did a good job. I liked each of them. 

After the meeting, I cruised the remaining booths and got a free children's book from an elderly lady who'd written it. She's self published and she was very sweet. She indicated she had been unable to go the traditional route and had used a local publisher. I know the group she used. We talked about publishing a bit and the pros and cons. She felt traditional publishing was the best way to go. I told her I write because I have to. She was surprised and said she never had that sense that she was supposed to write or had to write. She never told me why she felt like writing several children's books! She was giving away copies of her first one and I read it to Sarah tonight. It was o.k. but I don't think I'd use the local publisher. 

I got home around 4:30 and was suddenly exhausted. I had planned to go walk since I'd missed my morning walk but it didn't happen. I simply found that all my steam was gone and this little engine couldn't. I've sat on the sofa watched movies. I've taken breaks to do laundry. I did a couple of items for the NaNo goodie bags but that's it. 

Now, I'm going to bed. I had planned on doing something else but I see how late it is and won't do that. I've posted the story if you're interested. Running Out of Time