I have reached the end. Yes. The very end of a hellacious week. I am exhausted. It isn't over... I'm off on Monday but Tuesday is when the system goes up live and we have to have all our data verified. Like Rome, it isn't going to happen. I suggested to my boss he request they close the department for a week at least to give us the time to fix any problems. He did ask, bless him. We get one day. Idiots.
I sat up until midnight last night having the most fun I've had in a while. I was not sleepy at all because I got soooo pumped by the story we were playing with that I felt high! Seriously! I was writing with my friend and her daughter and we just all got carried away. I was probably feeling the best I've felt in over a year. When I realized what time it as I was astounded and so were they. Even after I went to bed my mind was spinning with ideas.
I have a couple of shows that are up on Hulu and I am going to shower and fix myself a "samwich" (That is for my new friend, Samadri). Maybe have some chips and Coke. I have goodies hidden in a secret place...M & M's. LOL... I'm good for the night.
And I suspect I'll be doing some writing.
Please welcome my new contact, Samadri! I think I'm going to like her.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Thursday with Friday in Sight
I've been scarce this week. The emotional roller coaster has just been too much to cope with and I have done nothing but fictional writing of no great import because that takes me someplace else. I don't want to be here.
As you probably know, Monday was a nightmare.I went home that night and sat in my living room in the dark. I couldn't bear to see the photographs. Once I was able to pull myself up, I went to the Y with my friend Carolyn. It was helpful physically but one always returns to reality. My nightmare simply waited for me. I just had a terrible night. Tuesday I was back at work but not much better and exhausted. I tried to stay out of everyone's way. I had the counselor appointment that evening at 4. I had also arranged to pick up Sarah for the evening.
It was a very stressful meeting after the usual chatting was out of the way. He asked me if I felt relief that I don't have to take care of Jerry anymore. I was horrified! I couldn't believe anyone would even consider that idea. If he'd been bedridden or required special care I might have understood it but I didn't even know he was as sick as he was. I wish I had. I would have done more to take care of him! I told him that was not even something I could consider. I was not relieved of anything. I didn't feel the need to be relieved because Jerry had been so careful to keep it from me. I should have been MORE concerned than I appear to have been. He wasn't well and he was not behaving rationally at the time. He had to have been terrified and feeling so very alone. Relief for me? From what? The only relief I could possible feel is if Jerry were home.
On the way home I conversed with God in the car. I told him I just need to finish this novel... and that I just needed ONE runaway best seller. LOL, it wasn't really funny. I wasn't trying to be funny. I was serious. Now, I must actually make the effort to work hard on it. I'd quite my job move back home.
After the meeting I picked up Sarah and we spent the evening together. I desperately needed to see her. I just wanted to be close to her. She is all that is left. She enjoys time at MawMaw's. Once the phone rang and she is so used to her mother calling. She said, while it was ringing, "I don't want to go home, Mawmaw! I want to stay here." And her parents stopped by to get something for a moment and she told her mother she didn't want to go home. We laughed and told her she didn't have to go home. They picked her up at 9 and by then, she had dozed off on my lap so was ready to go home with no argument.
I tried to stay busy. I chatted on gmail with my friend Kat for a while I think. I don't remember. She chats with me nearly every night and it has helped so much to keep me from thinking about stressful things. We spend most of the time laughing about our stories, discussing what we are working on with our writing, we bat around ideas. She's sent me bits of what she is working on now and it is a good story. And she's listened to my whines, aches, pains and heartaches. All of it helps a lot to keep me focused. I'm somewhere else for those hours. I owe you so much, Kat. I hope I've not kept you from more important things.
But then, on Tuesday anyway, bedtime rolled around and everything just collapsed around me. I simply ran out of whatever strength I'd been using to get to Tuesday night. It was all gone. I felt as if I'd been thrown back 11 months. We won't go into the lying in the dark drowning in my own tears, unable to breath.
Wednesday, was another crazy day at work. We can't work in the new system yet and we can't use the old one. I can't process anything much. I went to the water class after work and then Carolyn and I swam a little afterward. My arm is limiting my ability to swim. I can swim on my back but I have to limit the range of my strokes. When I went home Kat and I chatted a bit and I went to bed. I was exhausted so I vaguely remember the Spanish language cd beginning and not much else.
And here is it Thursday. I had physical therapy this morning at 7:30. Ultrasound treatment on the deltoid and they put some sort of medicated patch on there afterward. It has a battery in it??!! I am to leave it on for 14 hours. She said if it started to itch or burn a little to take it off immediately. She told me another woman didn't and had a blister there. So of course a few minutes after she put it on me it began to itch terribly. I ignored it and it has subsided. But I wonder if I shall have bionic abilities in that arm? Ouch, no, I don't.
I have to say the ultra sound was astounding. I had immediate reduction in one part of my arm. It didn't last but it was nice.
Friday is right there. But I dread having to come to work. I go through these periods where I'm depressed and want to hide out. I need a recharge and if my life were not so complicated, just being alone for a day would help. But it is too complicated, to filled with dark and biting things and stumbling blocks.
My dream would be to find a small cabin somewhere in the woods and write my days away, spend time with my Sarah, and spend time with the friends I've found this year. Life is far to complicated now. It takes so much effort to get up and get through a day in the asylum. I'm tired of it.
The counselor suggested I look for another job. Honestly, there is so much economic benefit from this one, I'm terrified to do that. I could get something much worse without all the perks of this one. And again, my life is too complicated to even know where to begin.
I will leave you here, with Friday in sight. I do now know if I will be back on tonight or later in the week. At the moment, it is so difficult to even know what to say. I want to sleep and wake up somewhere else. Some place warm and happy.
I must say a special thank to samadri. She has not been a contact of mine but is of some of you. For the last year I've received four books about journeying through grief. I mentioned them early on and Riete has also quoted them. She remained anonymous while sending them and only today revealed she was the one who had sent them. I am glad she did it that way and I'm glad I know who was responsible. These have been some of the best material I've been given. And believe me, people give you books on grief. But these were hands down the best and they were short and easy to read. I can't thank you enough, samadri.
I shall be going home in half an hour and I want to just lie down and sleep. I'm so tired. And I do not feel that things are better. I get disgusted with people who smile and say, "You're better." They make me angry. I'm not better. I will never be better. I'm in control. In fact, I am exerting so much self control that I can smile back at you rather than slap your silly face. Life has become something divided up into one hour slots. If I manage to have one or more when I do not feel savaged by some beast, I shall feel very fortunate.
As you probably know, Monday was a nightmare.I went home that night and sat in my living room in the dark. I couldn't bear to see the photographs. Once I was able to pull myself up, I went to the Y with my friend Carolyn. It was helpful physically but one always returns to reality. My nightmare simply waited for me. I just had a terrible night. Tuesday I was back at work but not much better and exhausted. I tried to stay out of everyone's way. I had the counselor appointment that evening at 4. I had also arranged to pick up Sarah for the evening.
It was a very stressful meeting after the usual chatting was out of the way. He asked me if I felt relief that I don't have to take care of Jerry anymore. I was horrified! I couldn't believe anyone would even consider that idea. If he'd been bedridden or required special care I might have understood it but I didn't even know he was as sick as he was. I wish I had. I would have done more to take care of him! I told him that was not even something I could consider. I was not relieved of anything. I didn't feel the need to be relieved because Jerry had been so careful to keep it from me. I should have been MORE concerned than I appear to have been. He wasn't well and he was not behaving rationally at the time. He had to have been terrified and feeling so very alone. Relief for me? From what? The only relief I could possible feel is if Jerry were home.
On the way home I conversed with God in the car. I told him I just need to finish this novel... and that I just needed ONE runaway best seller. LOL, it wasn't really funny. I wasn't trying to be funny. I was serious. Now, I must actually make the effort to work hard on it. I'd quite my job move back home.
After the meeting I picked up Sarah and we spent the evening together. I desperately needed to see her. I just wanted to be close to her. She is all that is left. She enjoys time at MawMaw's. Once the phone rang and she is so used to her mother calling. She said, while it was ringing, "I don't want to go home, Mawmaw! I want to stay here." And her parents stopped by to get something for a moment and she told her mother she didn't want to go home. We laughed and told her she didn't have to go home. They picked her up at 9 and by then, she had dozed off on my lap so was ready to go home with no argument.
I tried to stay busy. I chatted on gmail with my friend Kat for a while I think. I don't remember. She chats with me nearly every night and it has helped so much to keep me from thinking about stressful things. We spend most of the time laughing about our stories, discussing what we are working on with our writing, we bat around ideas. She's sent me bits of what she is working on now and it is a good story. And she's listened to my whines, aches, pains and heartaches. All of it helps a lot to keep me focused. I'm somewhere else for those hours. I owe you so much, Kat. I hope I've not kept you from more important things.
But then, on Tuesday anyway, bedtime rolled around and everything just collapsed around me. I simply ran out of whatever strength I'd been using to get to Tuesday night. It was all gone. I felt as if I'd been thrown back 11 months. We won't go into the lying in the dark drowning in my own tears, unable to breath.
Wednesday, was another crazy day at work. We can't work in the new system yet and we can't use the old one. I can't process anything much. I went to the water class after work and then Carolyn and I swam a little afterward. My arm is limiting my ability to swim. I can swim on my back but I have to limit the range of my strokes. When I went home Kat and I chatted a bit and I went to bed. I was exhausted so I vaguely remember the Spanish language cd beginning and not much else.
And here is it Thursday. I had physical therapy this morning at 7:30. Ultrasound treatment on the deltoid and they put some sort of medicated patch on there afterward. It has a battery in it??!! I am to leave it on for 14 hours. She said if it started to itch or burn a little to take it off immediately. She told me another woman didn't and had a blister there. So of course a few minutes after she put it on me it began to itch terribly. I ignored it and it has subsided. But I wonder if I shall have bionic abilities in that arm? Ouch, no, I don't.
I have to say the ultra sound was astounding. I had immediate reduction in one part of my arm. It didn't last but it was nice.
Friday is right there. But I dread having to come to work. I go through these periods where I'm depressed and want to hide out. I need a recharge and if my life were not so complicated, just being alone for a day would help. But it is too complicated, to filled with dark and biting things and stumbling blocks.
My dream would be to find a small cabin somewhere in the woods and write my days away, spend time with my Sarah, and spend time with the friends I've found this year. Life is far to complicated now. It takes so much effort to get up and get through a day in the asylum. I'm tired of it.
The counselor suggested I look for another job. Honestly, there is so much economic benefit from this one, I'm terrified to do that. I could get something much worse without all the perks of this one. And again, my life is too complicated to even know where to begin.
I will leave you here, with Friday in sight. I do now know if I will be back on tonight or later in the week. At the moment, it is so difficult to even know what to say. I want to sleep and wake up somewhere else. Some place warm and happy.
I must say a special thank to samadri. She has not been a contact of mine but is of some of you. For the last year I've received four books about journeying through grief. I mentioned them early on and Riete has also quoted them. She remained anonymous while sending them and only today revealed she was the one who had sent them. I am glad she did it that way and I'm glad I know who was responsible. These have been some of the best material I've been given. And believe me, people give you books on grief. But these were hands down the best and they were short and easy to read. I can't thank you enough, samadri.
I shall be going home in half an hour and I want to just lie down and sleep. I'm so tired. And I do not feel that things are better. I get disgusted with people who smile and say, "You're better." They make me angry. I'm not better. I will never be better. I'm in control. In fact, I am exerting so much self control that I can smile back at you rather than slap your silly face. Life has become something divided up into one hour slots. If I manage to have one or more when I do not feel savaged by some beast, I shall feel very fortunate.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Through the Rabbit Hole
The start of a new week. Our wedding anniversary. It was a Friday when we got married. Marsh land here. Keep walking.
I'm on my way out to the orthopedic doctor's office for them to look at my arm... which has hurt less in the last week. Typical. I have the Y to night. Pool workout unless said doctor say not.
I don't feel well this morning but not sure why. Stomach's a bit rocky. And I'm depressed. Nothing for it. Just close my eyes... don't look.
So, here I go... just like Alice.
I'm on my way out to the orthopedic doctor's office for them to look at my arm... which has hurt less in the last week. Typical. I have the Y to night. Pool workout unless said doctor say not.
I don't feel well this morning but not sure why. Stomach's a bit rocky. And I'm depressed. Nothing for it. Just close my eyes... don't look.
So, here I go... just like Alice.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Celebrations
Tomorrow is our 36th anniversary, or would have been. It will be the first one I've ever had without hope of ever being able to hug my husband and wish him happy anniversary.
I don't have to buy a card.
No dinner out. We always celebrated special occasions after church on the Sunday nearest his or my birthday or our anniversary by going to his favorite restaurant.
I don't have to buy a card.
No dinner out. We always celebrated special occasions after church on the Sunday nearest his or my birthday or our anniversary by going to his favorite restaurant.
Frozen Stiff
What a morning. It was 7 degrees when I got up.It is now noon and only 14 degrees! It took four hours for the temp to double.
No, I did not go to church. I'm sorry. I wanted to but that is so cold and I simply could not get warm this morning. I finally broke down and jacked the thermostat up above 71! I usually keep it 69 and that, on most days is comfortable. But for the last two weeks or so the cold has been so bad that it simply won't stay warm in here. And when I get cold, things begin to hurt.
I have discovered that the pain is probably worse because the muscles become very rigid with the cold. You all know what that means, Remember standing at the bus stop as a kid, or walking to school when it was cold out and you just felt all stiff. That was the muscles reacting. Lately, that is what happens to me. That's what the term "frozen stiff" means.
When my muscles get like that the pain isn't what I remember from childhood. It is worse. I'm sitting here in a sweat suit, with wool socks on, the heat is going at 72 degrees and I'm chilly. And 72 is not cool by any standards. My hands hurt a bit but my neck, upper back, calves are all stiff and feel cold. Impossible. All I know is they are and that's that. I'm going to find my heavy bathrobe.
So, I'm frozen stiff. I'm not leaving my house until something warms up. So, I've been reading, messing with writing a post to a blog, playing with my movie maker. I learned something helpful about movie maker and can now plan on creating a presentation to use on my job that will make my life easier. Maybe. And I am going to get some stories record for Sarah to hear at home.
So, the next time you hear the term Frozen Stiff, you'll think of me, living in my igloo and blogging while I wait for the Spring Thaw.
No, I did not go to church. I'm sorry. I wanted to but that is so cold and I simply could not get warm this morning. I finally broke down and jacked the thermostat up above 71! I usually keep it 69 and that, on most days is comfortable. But for the last two weeks or so the cold has been so bad that it simply won't stay warm in here. And when I get cold, things begin to hurt.
I have discovered that the pain is probably worse because the muscles become very rigid with the cold. You all know what that means, Remember standing at the bus stop as a kid, or walking to school when it was cold out and you just felt all stiff. That was the muscles reacting. Lately, that is what happens to me. That's what the term "frozen stiff" means.
When my muscles get like that the pain isn't what I remember from childhood. It is worse. I'm sitting here in a sweat suit, with wool socks on, the heat is going at 72 degrees and I'm chilly. And 72 is not cool by any standards. My hands hurt a bit but my neck, upper back, calves are all stiff and feel cold. Impossible. All I know is they are and that's that. I'm going to find my heavy bathrobe.
So, I'm frozen stiff. I'm not leaving my house until something warms up. So, I've been reading, messing with writing a post to a blog, playing with my movie maker. I learned something helpful about movie maker and can now plan on creating a presentation to use on my job that will make my life easier. Maybe. And I am going to get some stories record for Sarah to hear at home.
So, the next time you hear the term Frozen Stiff, you'll think of me, living in my igloo and blogging while I wait for the Spring Thaw.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Moving the Ice Cream
I'm getting ready to head out to the office for four hours and I'm not looking forward to either proposition. Once I step outside I'll be looking for every possible way to be in the freezer for as short a time as possible.
Remember when I spruced up the kitchen back in the summer? I moved my food freezer to my den/dining room. In the winter, I don't go back there because there is no heat and well, I don't use the freezer anymore except for overflows and ice cream. I also figure the extreme cold will make it work less. It is usually as cold in there as it is outside. But last night when I came home I realized it again! I'm sorry I moved the ice cream. Of course, I've eaten very little these days.
My friend, Just Cassandra wrote this morning that the term "global warming" had been changed to "climate change" so everything can be blamed on it! I realized that in recent days that IS the term they've been using. It was one of those "oh my goodness" moments.
I did NOT get that memo! So, now, every extreme weather event is "climate change". And it is OUR fault. If they're going to change these things, they need to insure that all involved are informed well in advance and prepared. If they had sent me the notice I would have bought mukluks and parkas! I've bought all the wrong stuff. I thought sure I was going to need an umbrella, fans, a very comfortable lounge chair and tall, icy drinks!
I wonder. Does that mean that Al Gore has to make another movie? Oh no. I'll bring in the ice cream when I get back.
Remember when I spruced up the kitchen back in the summer? I moved my food freezer to my den/dining room. In the winter, I don't go back there because there is no heat and well, I don't use the freezer anymore except for overflows and ice cream. I also figure the extreme cold will make it work less. It is usually as cold in there as it is outside. But last night when I came home I realized it again! I'm sorry I moved the ice cream. Of course, I've eaten very little these days.
My friend, Just Cassandra wrote this morning that the term "global warming" had been changed to "climate change" so everything can be blamed on it! I realized that in recent days that IS the term they've been using. It was one of those "oh my goodness" moments.
I did NOT get that memo! So, now, every extreme weather event is "climate change". And it is OUR fault. If they're going to change these things, they need to insure that all involved are informed well in advance and prepared. If they had sent me the notice I would have bought mukluks and parkas! I've bought all the wrong stuff. I thought sure I was going to need an umbrella, fans, a very comfortable lounge chair and tall, icy drinks!
I wonder. Does that mean that Al Gore has to make another movie? Oh no. I'll bring in the ice cream when I get back.
Friday, January 8, 2010
The Widow Who Came In from the Cold!
I'm living in Siberia, wading through snow and ice and frigid temperatures, risking my neck each time I step out of the house. I worked all day every day and then spend several hours each evening in the company of friends or family. Tonight. I'm home, still freezing and exhausted. I do not want to do anything but get warm.
It is 18F! WHERE IS GLOBAL WARMING! And has anyone hear about how the entire European continent is frozen to a block of ice? And how about those manatees in Florida! So, global warming is actually the Ice Age?
I just went outside to verify that all the vent openings and the crawlspace opening under the house were covered. They have no covering on them. We put boards up in front of then to keep out wind and animals. I need to take care of it this summer and get more reliable covers. The crawlspace access was covered but the vent on each end of the house had come uncovered. I found boards that would work and covered them up. My pipes will freeze if the power goes out so I have to insure the heat that passes through the duct work also keeps underneath the house warm.
Now, I'm going to get a very hot shower and put on my sweatsuit and wool socks! Then, I'm getting me a hug in a mug. I need it tonight.
The next "first" is Monday, January 11th. I married Jerry 36 years ago on that date at 7 p.m. It was a warm, sunny day in Andalusia, Alabama. I remember that. Sun was shinning in my bedroom window and they wouldn't let me sit down because it might wrinkle my dress. LOL, it was a white polyester knit! We lived next door to our church. I walked to the church and my dress had short sleeves. We went to Panama City, Florida that night and had a weekend honeymoon on the beach... well, not ON the beach. It was too cold for that on the beach front. We stayed in our hotel room, going out the next day for breakfast and shopping and washing the junk off the car. I don't remember much else. We went home on Sunday morning. Jerry could have told you ever single detail of those days. He never forgot things like that. I seem to have done so.
It is 18F! WHERE IS GLOBAL WARMING! And has anyone hear about how the entire European continent is frozen to a block of ice? And how about those manatees in Florida! So, global warming is actually the Ice Age?
I just went outside to verify that all the vent openings and the crawlspace opening under the house were covered. They have no covering on them. We put boards up in front of then to keep out wind and animals. I need to take care of it this summer and get more reliable covers. The crawlspace access was covered but the vent on each end of the house had come uncovered. I found boards that would work and covered them up. My pipes will freeze if the power goes out so I have to insure the heat that passes through the duct work also keeps underneath the house warm.
Now, I'm going to get a very hot shower and put on my sweatsuit and wool socks! Then, I'm getting me a hug in a mug. I need it tonight.
The next "first" is Monday, January 11th. I married Jerry 36 years ago on that date at 7 p.m. It was a warm, sunny day in Andalusia, Alabama. I remember that. Sun was shinning in my bedroom window and they wouldn't let me sit down because it might wrinkle my dress. LOL, it was a white polyester knit! We lived next door to our church. I walked to the church and my dress had short sleeves. We went to Panama City, Florida that night and had a weekend honeymoon on the beach... well, not ON the beach. It was too cold for that on the beach front. We stayed in our hotel room, going out the next day for breakfast and shopping and washing the junk off the car. I don't remember much else. We went home on Sunday morning. Jerry could have told you ever single detail of those days. He never forgot things like that. I seem to have done so.
Monday, January 4, 2010
We're Off to see... Oh, Wrong Song
YMCA! It's fun to stay at the . . .Did we really love this song? LOL, I did. Who knew they were gay! Just read that only the cowboy and indian were gay in the original group.
So, I'm going to the Y tonight for a hydrobics class. Basically, water aerobics. Don't know that I'll be able to post when I return. I'll let you know.
Pain is still not good and work was a nightmare. Everyone stayed away for two weeks and descended on us today. We weren't closed, mind you, just limited staff and fewer days. Well, one can only hope tomorrow will be better. If I could just get through the day and not be so tired. I really don't want to go to the Y tonight. I want to lie down.
So, off to get changed and head out. May be back later.
So, I'm going to the Y tonight for a hydrobics class. Basically, water aerobics. Don't know that I'll be able to post when I return. I'll let you know.
Pain is still not good and work was a nightmare. Everyone stayed away for two weeks and descended on us today. We weren't closed, mind you, just limited staff and fewer days. Well, one can only hope tomorrow will be better. If I could just get through the day and not be so tired. I really don't want to go to the Y tonight. I want to lie down.
So, off to get changed and head out. May be back later.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Tales in the Dark
"What I tell you in the darkness, speak ye in the light" (Matt. 10:27).
The title for this post and the scripture came several weeks ago, on Dec 17. I put the title in the box and wrote the scripture and then. . . nothing. I had nothing else to say. A tiny bell had rung and it felt important. So, since I thought it was stupid to post like that, I saved it in my drafts. I've looked at it several times in confusion wondering what I had wanted to say. I didn't know. Still, I had the sense it meant something. I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it so I just closed it up again.
January 1, I was reading my Bible and a second bell went off. I thought fleetingly "That's odd." I learned long ago that nothing is really coincidental. Things happen for a reason. You don't have to agree. But small things are like pebbles dropped in a lake. They start ripples that move outward, forever if the source is large enough. In theory, if you drop one in the middle of the Atlantic there will be ripples that become waves that have great impact somewhere.
That second bell went of when I read the following scripture. "So the people stood afar off, but Moses drew near the thick darkness where God was" Ex. 20:21 The word "was" was not in the original Hebrew text. It is put there for clarity. It is italicized in the KJV to show this. So, Moses drew near the thick darkness where God.
I did nothing at first when I found it. But it kept coming to my mind and eventually I got out of bed that evening and marked it in yellow in my study Bible. Again, I had that sense that this was important... at least to me. Remember, I once said this blog is about me? So, I set up a marker and left the verse in the Bible.
Today, I became restless. That verse has continued to 'gnaw' at me and the post I had started but not finished. I decided to search for the phrase "darkness" in the Bible. Nothing else. Just that. I began to read each entry that fit my search criteria. Darkness is a broad term and not all verses I found seemed to relate, they didn't give me that same clanging sound in my head. But I did start to notice the connection to the word "God" in some of the results. Mentally, I refined my search farther.
Of course, as Christians we don't connect God to darkness. He's all about light. Bringing light to the world and lighting our paths. He's the bright and morning star. His light has expanded to encompass the globe in nations once shrouded in thick darkness. Everything we learn about God is stated in terms of brilliance. The Bible clearly states these terms in regard to God's character. It even says that God is not found in darkness.
As I searched I started pasting all the scriptures to my document. I realized I was in trouble because I usually over research things anyway and the Bible is a big book and the word "darkness" is repeated . . . well. . . a lot.
Bells and Voices
So, I further refined mentally. I formulated a filter to assist. What was I looking for based on the two verses already "given" to me? Surprisingly, I sort of knew the answer, too. God can be found in darkness. That bell clanged loudly. Well, that flies in the face of all Christianity! It was just a little voice that slipped past the sound of the bell.
However, after reading all the scriptures that I felt were closely related to my first two and seemed catch in my filter, I noted two things. In the Old Testament God was frequently mentioned as "inhabiting darkness". In the New Testament, he was frequently mentioned "inhabiting light" and literally banishing darkness. It confused me at first but after thinking about it a bit, it made sense to me. Jesus is considered to be the light of the world. We believe he illuminated the darkness where God dwelt. There was a distant clang there but I felt that was not the direction I was headed today. I note it for another study.
I listed all the scriptures I felt related in some way to my first two and my filter. There are dozens but I won't use them all. For my purpose, I'm looking for the reason those first two verses keep ringing in my head. What do they mean?
As I did my search, I notice that in many places where God revealed important information to a person, he did it in thick darkness. Sometimes, the human being was terrified. Sometimes, they simply took the news and made the necessary changes. But most of the time I suspect they were scared witless. That's why so much dictation took place. When you are afraid and in the dark, you don't think too well.
"And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him." Gen. 15:12
"And Moses stretched forth his hand toward heaven; and there was a thick darkness in all the land of Egypt three days:" Ex. 10:22
"The Lord said that he would dwell in the thick darkness." 1 Kings 8:12
"Clouds and darkness are round about him: righteousness and judgment are the habitation of his throne." Ps 97:2
In each instance God was cloaked in darkness but he was there, acting in some capacity. Giving Abram a dream, dealing with the stubborn Egyptians. That was interesting to me. I've been living in very dark places. Today I was still in those dark places. It was frightening and I don't think to well but. . .at least I am hearing bells.
Fire And Smoke
The next thing I found was the story of the Exodus that tells of where God put a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night between the Hebrews and the Egyptians. This was to protect the Hebrews and not allow their recapture. What I didn't know was that there was a dual perception to this cloud/pillar.
To me the pillar of fire could easily be seen as a cloud in the daylight because . . . well, it produced huge quantities of smoke. I've seen enormous fires that appeared to be nothing but thick billowing smoke. You couldn't even see the fire! Until it got dark. What I found in the scripture was that the Egyptians only perceived the darkness. They never saw the pillar of fire! Read the verse with an emphasis on the terms "them" and "these" and you will see what I mean.
"And it came between the camp of the Egyptians and the camp of Israel; and it was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these: so that the one came not near the other all the night." Ex. 14:20
This cloud was darkness to the Egyptians but it was light to the Hebrews. The Egyptians didn't see the light! They saw only a great towering darkness before them and they weren't about to cross that line. Remember that I said in the Old Testament God cloaked himself in thick darkness.
"And ye came near and stood under the mountain; and the mountain burned with fire unto the midst of heaven, with darkness, clouds, and thick darkness." Ex 4:11
"These words the Lord spake unto all your assembly in the mount out of the midst of the fire, of the cloud, and of the thick darkness, with a great voice: and he added no more. And he wrote them in two tables of stone, and delivered them unto me." Deut. 5:22
Everyone outside the cloud saw thick darkness. Moses walked along the road and stepped into that darkness.
Down A Dark Road
Many of the things I found referred to the impact of this darkness on others. Frequently, darkness is laid across someone's path. This darkness was so thick, so terrible that the wicked couldn't even speak when confronted with it.
"He will keep the feet of his saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail." 1 Sam 2:9
It always surrounded the Almighty. "And he made darkness pavilions round about him, dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies." 2 Sam. 22:12 & Ps. 18:11
"He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet." 2 Sam. 22:10 & Ps. 18:9
Trouble in the Dark
Job said that God set the darkness in his path. He couldn't avoid it; it was across the path he had to take. Moses had to go into the darkness? Why? Why would God set darkness in the path of anyone, particularly people he held in high regard? Would God put darkness in our paths?
"He hath fenced up my way that I cannot pass, and he hath set darkness in my paths." Job 19:8
"He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light. He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old." Lam. 3:2 & 6
"When I looked for good, then evil came unto me: and when I waited for light, there came darkness." Job 30:26
WHY? The question screamed at me. WHY? Why would he do that? And if it was there, why would anyone enter that darkness as Moses had? Why would they have to go through the darkness at all? There is no light there. It is a darkness you can feel, that burns its way into your soul and consumes you. You don't know what is there waiting. Why would I go into that darkness? Dear Lord! Do you hear those bells? There are secrets in the dark.
"He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with him." Dan 2:22
"And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel." Isa 45:3
"He discovereth deep things out of darkness, and bringeth out to light the shadow of death." Job 12:22
There is more to this story, but not today. There are a dozen more scriptures, but they'll still be there later. Today, that is what I needed to know. I heard it in the dark.
"Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee. For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and his glory shall be seen upon thee." Isa 60:1-2
"And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." Isa. 42:16
"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." Micah 7:8
Can you hear the bells ringing all over the house?
I can.
The title for this post and the scripture came several weeks ago, on Dec 17. I put the title in the box and wrote the scripture and then. . . nothing. I had nothing else to say. A tiny bell had rung and it felt important. So, since I thought it was stupid to post like that, I saved it in my drafts. I've looked at it several times in confusion wondering what I had wanted to say. I didn't know. Still, I had the sense it meant something. I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it so I just closed it up again.
January 1, I was reading my Bible and a second bell went off. I thought fleetingly "That's odd." I learned long ago that nothing is really coincidental. Things happen for a reason. You don't have to agree. But small things are like pebbles dropped in a lake. They start ripples that move outward, forever if the source is large enough. In theory, if you drop one in the middle of the Atlantic there will be ripples that become waves that have great impact somewhere.
That second bell went of when I read the following scripture. "So the people stood afar off, but Moses drew near the thick darkness where God was" Ex. 20:21 The word "was" was not in the original Hebrew text. It is put there for clarity. It is italicized in the KJV to show this. So, Moses drew near the thick darkness where God.
I did nothing at first when I found it. But it kept coming to my mind and eventually I got out of bed that evening and marked it in yellow in my study Bible. Again, I had that sense that this was important... at least to me. Remember, I once said this blog is about me? So, I set up a marker and left the verse in the Bible.
Today, I became restless. That verse has continued to 'gnaw' at me and the post I had started but not finished. I decided to search for the phrase "darkness" in the Bible. Nothing else. Just that. I began to read each entry that fit my search criteria. Darkness is a broad term and not all verses I found seemed to relate, they didn't give me that same clanging sound in my head. But I did start to notice the connection to the word "God" in some of the results. Mentally, I refined my search farther.
Of course, as Christians we don't connect God to darkness. He's all about light. Bringing light to the world and lighting our paths. He's the bright and morning star. His light has expanded to encompass the globe in nations once shrouded in thick darkness. Everything we learn about God is stated in terms of brilliance. The Bible clearly states these terms in regard to God's character. It even says that God is not found in darkness.
As I searched I started pasting all the scriptures to my document. I realized I was in trouble because I usually over research things anyway and the Bible is a big book and the word "darkness" is repeated . . . well. . . a lot.
Bells and Voices
So, I further refined mentally. I formulated a filter to assist. What was I looking for based on the two verses already "given" to me? Surprisingly, I sort of knew the answer, too. God can be found in darkness. That bell clanged loudly. Well, that flies in the face of all Christianity! It was just a little voice that slipped past the sound of the bell.
However, after reading all the scriptures that I felt were closely related to my first two and seemed catch in my filter, I noted two things. In the Old Testament God was frequently mentioned as "inhabiting darkness". In the New Testament, he was frequently mentioned "inhabiting light" and literally banishing darkness. It confused me at first but after thinking about it a bit, it made sense to me. Jesus is considered to be the light of the world. We believe he illuminated the darkness where God dwelt. There was a distant clang there but I felt that was not the direction I was headed today. I note it for another study.
I listed all the scriptures I felt related in some way to my first two and my filter. There are dozens but I won't use them all. For my purpose, I'm looking for the reason those first two verses keep ringing in my head. What do they mean?
As I did my search, I notice that in many places where God revealed important information to a person, he did it in thick darkness. Sometimes, the human being was terrified. Sometimes, they simply took the news and made the necessary changes. But most of the time I suspect they were scared witless. That's why so much dictation took place. When you are afraid and in the dark, you don't think too well.
"And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him." Gen. 15:12
"And Moses stretched forth his hand toward heaven; and there was a thick darkness in all the land of Egypt three days:" Ex. 10:22
"The Lord said that he would dwell in the thick darkness." 1 Kings 8:12
"Clouds and darkness are round about him: righteousness and judgment are the habitation of his throne." Ps 97:2
In each instance God was cloaked in darkness but he was there, acting in some capacity. Giving Abram a dream, dealing with the stubborn Egyptians. That was interesting to me. I've been living in very dark places. Today I was still in those dark places. It was frightening and I don't think to well but. . .at least I am hearing bells.
Fire And Smoke
The next thing I found was the story of the Exodus that tells of where God put a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night between the Hebrews and the Egyptians. This was to protect the Hebrews and not allow their recapture. What I didn't know was that there was a dual perception to this cloud/pillar.
To me the pillar of fire could easily be seen as a cloud in the daylight because . . . well, it produced huge quantities of smoke. I've seen enormous fires that appeared to be nothing but thick billowing smoke. You couldn't even see the fire! Until it got dark. What I found in the scripture was that the Egyptians only perceived the darkness. They never saw the pillar of fire! Read the verse with an emphasis on the terms "them" and "these" and you will see what I mean.
"And it came between the camp of the Egyptians and the camp of Israel; and it was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these: so that the one came not near the other all the night." Ex. 14:20
This cloud was darkness to the Egyptians but it was light to the Hebrews. The Egyptians didn't see the light! They saw only a great towering darkness before them and they weren't about to cross that line. Remember that I said in the Old Testament God cloaked himself in thick darkness.
"And ye came near and stood under the mountain; and the mountain burned with fire unto the midst of heaven, with darkness, clouds, and thick darkness." Ex 4:11
"These words the Lord spake unto all your assembly in the mount out of the midst of the fire, of the cloud, and of the thick darkness, with a great voice: and he added no more. And he wrote them in two tables of stone, and delivered them unto me." Deut. 5:22
Everyone outside the cloud saw thick darkness. Moses walked along the road and stepped into that darkness.
Down A Dark Road
Many of the things I found referred to the impact of this darkness on others. Frequently, darkness is laid across someone's path. This darkness was so thick, so terrible that the wicked couldn't even speak when confronted with it.
"He will keep the feet of his saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail." 1 Sam 2:9
It always surrounded the Almighty. "And he made darkness pavilions round about him, dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies." 2 Sam. 22:12 & Ps. 18:11
"He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet." 2 Sam. 22:10 & Ps. 18:9
Trouble in the Dark
Job said that God set the darkness in his path. He couldn't avoid it; it was across the path he had to take. Moses had to go into the darkness? Why? Why would God set darkness in the path of anyone, particularly people he held in high regard? Would God put darkness in our paths?
"He hath fenced up my way that I cannot pass, and he hath set darkness in my paths." Job 19:8
"He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light. He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old." Lam. 3:2 & 6
"When I looked for good, then evil came unto me: and when I waited for light, there came darkness." Job 30:26
WHY? The question screamed at me. WHY? Why would he do that? And if it was there, why would anyone enter that darkness as Moses had? Why would they have to go through the darkness at all? There is no light there. It is a darkness you can feel, that burns its way into your soul and consumes you. You don't know what is there waiting. Why would I go into that darkness? Dear Lord! Do you hear those bells? There are secrets in the dark.
"He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with him." Dan 2:22
"And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel." Isa 45:3
"He discovereth deep things out of darkness, and bringeth out to light the shadow of death." Job 12:22
There is more to this story, but not today. There are a dozen more scriptures, but they'll still be there later. Today, that is what I needed to know. I heard it in the dark.
"Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee. For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and his glory shall be seen upon thee." Isa 60:1-2
"And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." Isa. 42:16
"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." Micah 7:8
Can you hear the bells ringing all over the house?
I can.
After You've Taken the Pill
LinkI was doing some research on my muscle pain and decided to run it as a connection to Lipitor. My pain is very bad today. I found a lot of hits with Google. The consensus for recovery for Lipitor induced problems is not known and is not good. But this page gives a lot of insight to possible alternatives to Lipitor and possibly other cholesterol lowering medications.Lipitor, Neuromuscular Degeneration, and Recovery
Of course, before you make any changes to any medications you are taking, you should consult your doctors. They need to know what you are taking or not taking in the event of an emergency. What I am telling you here, is what I do for me. What you do must be based on your own findings, not mine. I am extremely cautions and demand facts to support my care. My doctors get annoyed with me very quickly. But I'm paying them.
Do not assume that your doctor knows what every pill will do to you. Listen to your body. Pay attention to symptoms. Most importantly and it should probably be placed a the top of any list: READ THE INSERT. There is vital information on the inserts. That is why they are printed in very small print. They have to disclose the side effects and uses of the medicine. But they don't have to make it understandable or easy to read. You defeat this misdirection by looking anyway or elsewhere.
If you are reading this post, you have one of the greatest inventions for gathering information, true and false information. If you have internet, it should become a vital part of your medical kit. Look up every pill you take - before you take it. You will find websites designed simply to describe a medicine's uses, dosages, and side effects in an easy to read format. They offer, not advice, just facts on what you put in your mouth. No all sites can be trusted where advice is concerned, so you must search carefully. My counselor did not know that a medicine I've been taking 20 years was even sold in the dosage I take. I take 10 mg. He looked it up in something he uses to prescribe it for depression. The lowest dosage was 300 mg! He said it it wasn't sold in 10 mg and wouldn't be effective for depression. He's wrong on both counts. Sincere, but wrong.
Read the comments of other readers. They have the problems you have. You will learn a lot from the readers.
Read more than one source. Multiple sources help you fine tune your information, weed out the crazy stuff. It's out there.
Ask your pharmacist for information. Some are very helpful, particularly if you are a regular. Change pharmacies if they are rude and unhelpful. Some pharmacies give you a easy to understand print-out describing your medicines. You usually toss them. How many of you have read the whole print out? How many have stopped after your read what you are supposed to take? Hmmm, read it.
Do not assume your doctor knows how the medicine he is giving you will affect you. He will NOT know the side-effects. He will only know what it is used to treat. Ask your doctor. Believe me, I know this. Usually they will say, "Nothing you need to worry about." And they will recite the most banal side effects on the list because that is the ones listed first and repeated the most often and like you, they don't read the inserts either. Want proof?
My rheumatologist suggested I take Glucosamine Chondroitin for my joints. It is true that research has shown it to be fairly effective in the treatment of arthritis and joint pain related to cartilage loss. However, I had done a LOT of research on nutritional supplements years ago when I had problems with depression. I had even taken the supplement because I had some minor knee pains they said was probably early arthritis (aerobics will do that to you). I took it about a year, until I found one tiny fact in a book I happened to pick up on supplements.
Glucosamine increases blood sugar levels. For anyone prone to or actively diabetic, this is bad. Since I was predisposed genetically I stopped taking it. I wasn't diagnosed with a blood sugar disorder at that time. I just felt it best not to tamper with it. I had taken it for months and stopped because it didn't work!
So, when my Rheumatologist suggested it I told her this. She was surprised and said she didn't know where I heard this but that she didn't think it was accurate. She asked me where I got the information but obviously I didn't have it with me. Anyway, she handed me a leaflet and said to read that and try the supplement. I said I would.
I went home and sat down to read her leaflet, most of which I already knew anyway. Then, on the second page, at the bottom in a paragraph, guess what I found?
YES. Glucosomine was found to increase blood sugar levels and was not recommended for diabetics or those with metabolic disorders. And just today, I ran across more information that suggest more severe side effects. But one source won't do. I don't have to look it up because I don't take this but if you do, look it up.
Now, if she had read her own informational packet, she would have known what I knew. She was so certain of her own knowledge that she insisted I take a pill she knew about only through word of mouth. Because that is what she based her suggestion on. She "heard" it was beneficial. And it may be for some people! But there is always a double edged sword to anything you put in your mouth.
How do you think doctors learned to treat your illnesses? They are not born with this knowledge. The read it. They read tons of material on every disease and illness they intend to treat. Thousands! They can't retain all that information. Often after getting your test results they may actually refer to some text to find the most appropriate and most accepted treatment. And they will call you with any changes in their treatment! Drug companies are sending them their information, their studies... and it may not be accurate as we all learned with Vioxx - the best medicine I ever took for my arthritis pain. They may be reading these or they may accept that what the company says is gospel. You won't know. I am a firm believer that to stay alive, as healthy as possible, you have to get actively involved learning about what is good for you, what is wrong with you, what is prescribed for you, and what you can do naturally to help yourself.
You should have seen my doctor's face freeze when I refused the flu shot. He was quick to point out it was a regular flu shot, not the H1N1. He's heard the hype. What he didn't know was I've been reading about the effects of mercury on people with muscle problems. Every vaccine you take has a mercury base. Children now receive over 39 vaccines before they are five! Mercury is poison, deadly poison. I'm not saying don't vaccinate, I'm saying find the truth before you put a needle in someone's arm.
I never ever got flu shots until I went to work. Now, I have lots of muscle problems and pain problems which might be linked to things I've been given since I went to work - flu shots and Lipitor.
I'm on a mission. My gut says the Lipitor is the culprit. But I want the pain to stop and I'm not taking another thing that is related to that problem until I can sort it out. I may never sort it out. I just don't intend to take things to make it harder for me.
So, I'm going to go back and read up on my Vitamin C information. The site above suggest it may help with the damage caused by Lipitor. But it may not. But it also said it will help lower cholesterol naturally. I am aware that high levels of Vitamin C are toxic. So caution is essential here. Old research never goes away. But new research is always happening. So,I'll be looking for other resources to give me new information. New discoveries are released every day... some are good news, many are very bad news. You don't usually know until after you've taken the pill.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
To The Pain
That's what Wesley says in The Princess Bride when he challenges the Prince to duel. Not to the death, but to the pain. Then he recites all the horrible things that will result from this. Before he is done, you figure death is preferable.
I woke up in agony. Seriously. I could barely use my arm. My shoulder and neck hurt. Both calves. My hand felt crushed in a vice. I do not remember this much pain in forever. I am supposed to see my rheumatologist Feb 2. but you watch. Pain will be minor by then. She can't help me anyway.
I've had a cup of coffee. I've been checking out your blogs. Nancy PM'd me about that woman who is posting her photo all over the place. She wanted to know how to delete it. I told her. Then, I remembered seeing that on one of my posts and had to find it.
The sun is again shining. But it is so cold, 12 degrees, that I wouldn't dare go out there. Or maybe. . . {looks toward the window in her study} nah, I don't think so.
I'm going to sit here and write. I'm thinking about working on Hidden in the Mist. I haven't heard from Alice in ages she hasn't responded to my messages. Kind of worried there.
Or if I do go out, it will be to see Sherlock Holmes. That's the ticket. . . well, I have to purchase it. . . this isn't going well. Need more coffee and food.
Everyone raise you glass or cup. Now, TO THE PAIN!
I woke up in agony. Seriously. I could barely use my arm. My shoulder and neck hurt. Both calves. My hand felt crushed in a vice. I do not remember this much pain in forever. I am supposed to see my rheumatologist Feb 2. but you watch. Pain will be minor by then. She can't help me anyway.
I've had a cup of coffee. I've been checking out your blogs. Nancy PM'd me about that woman who is posting her photo all over the place. She wanted to know how to delete it. I told her. Then, I remembered seeing that on one of my posts and had to find it.
The sun is again shining. But it is so cold, 12 degrees, that I wouldn't dare go out there. Or maybe. . . {looks toward the window in her study} nah, I don't think so.
I'm going to sit here and write. I'm thinking about working on Hidden in the Mist. I haven't heard from Alice in ages she hasn't responded to my messages. Kind of worried there.
Or if I do go out, it will be to see Sherlock Holmes. That's the ticket. . . well, I have to purchase it. . . this isn't going well. Need more coffee and food.
Everyone raise you glass or cup. Now, TO THE PAIN!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Sunshine Overhead, Dark Clouds on the Horizon
The sky is an icy blue and the sun is sliding through it the way a hot knife slices butter. It is 20 degrees! Ten o'clock is gone and eleven just got here. I got up around 8:00 a.m. and I didn't go to bed until 2:00 a.m. Not sure it is enough but I didn't want to waste it in bed. Besides, the neck and shoulder were screaming for me to get off them. So, I did.
I'm sitting here in sweatsuit and house shoes with my hair twisted in a banana clip... looks more like bear claws to me but they call them banana clips. Why? Combs joined by a spring. Go figure.
My house is very quiet. I've read my Bible this morning. Prayed. Am working on my second cup of coffee, eating pancakes and sausage on a stick... like a corn dog but different. I had two with sugar-free syrup.
I've been trying to get around to reading everyone's blogs. That panorama feature works well for that. But I still like going to the blog directly now and then, to see what designs everyone is using.
I just learned a neat little trick in Firefox. If you hold down the shift key and roll your mouse wheel it will take you either back to the page you were on before or forward to one you were on before you went back! Found it by accident! I knew that if you hold the ctrl key down and use the wheel it increases or decreases the screen fonts in Firefox but this shift key thing is new. Neat.
So, what's on the timetable? Nothing. I look around and see things I should do. I don't want to. I'm finding there is little motivation to do much of anything anymore. I just don't want to do anything. I always has a partner to do the things around here. I had some hobbies of my own, crochet, sewing, writing, reading but everything else was a joint effort. If the house needed cleaning most of the time, I had help. If something needed repair, we did it together. If I wanted to rearrange things, I had help. If I wanted to clean out a closet or cabinet, I had help, maybe just with the lifting and checking to see that I wasn't tossing something important. But there was that other person who makes any task or journey easier.
In the last two years I was doing more and more alone, blissfully unaware of any reason for it, and I hated it. Things began to not get done. I got angry and fussed all the time about it. To no avail. I never got an explanation for it. I remember telling him one night that it felt like I was living with a roommate because he was never "there". He looked stunned but I don't remember him saying much. I was a nasty bitch a lot of that time.
I just sit here now and look around me and think, that needs repair. No strength in my left arm means I'm not going to try and pick it up, move it, or anything that will move the deltoid muscle, the one on the back of your upper arm. Just in case you think it isn't much use, think again. That's the one that, if you use it enough, you won't have flabby upper arms. Yeah, that one. You use it for virtually EVERY motion you make, except lifting your arm straight ahead and straight behind you...both pretty worthless motions for day to day activities.
Lift your arm straight out to the side, palm facing down, level with your shoulder. I can't do that. I get my palm about a foot from my thigh and then someone stabs me with a butcher knife or meat cleaver. I can't go to a drive-thru at the bank or pharmacy and use the slide out drawers or automated tellers. I can't prop my arm on anything shoulder height. Can't carry a purse or lift a box down form a shelf. Anything overhead is almost impossible, even hanging a shower curtain.
And forget carrying anything over a pound for more than a few minutes. That muscle is what allows you to carry anything heavy. It takes the brunt of the weight when you carry a piece of luggage or handbag by your side.
So, if the elves don't do it, it probably won't get done. Actually, I've done a few things I realized later I shouldn't but I can't let stuff just lie around forever. I try and find a way to get things down from shelves that won't leave me in the floor or doubled over clutching my arm.
Now that I have ragaled you with my woes and observation and played the old lady by reciting my ills I will leave you. I hope your New Year is way better than my old one. Gee, I hope my New Year is better than my old one! I hope this first day of this new year finds you with people you love. Remember the ten foot rule... all you truly care about is within ten feet of you. Hold on tight. My computer is a bit bulky but it's warm.
I'm sitting here in sweatsuit and house shoes with my hair twisted in a banana clip... looks more like bear claws to me but they call them banana clips. Why? Combs joined by a spring. Go figure.
My house is very quiet. I've read my Bible this morning. Prayed. Am working on my second cup of coffee, eating pancakes and sausage on a stick... like a corn dog but different. I had two with sugar-free syrup.
I've been trying to get around to reading everyone's blogs. That panorama feature works well for that. But I still like going to the blog directly now and then, to see what designs everyone is using.
I just learned a neat little trick in Firefox. If you hold down the shift key and roll your mouse wheel it will take you either back to the page you were on before or forward to one you were on before you went back! Found it by accident! I knew that if you hold the ctrl key down and use the wheel it increases or decreases the screen fonts in Firefox but this shift key thing is new. Neat.
So, what's on the timetable? Nothing. I look around and see things I should do. I don't want to. I'm finding there is little motivation to do much of anything anymore. I just don't want to do anything. I always has a partner to do the things around here. I had some hobbies of my own, crochet, sewing, writing, reading but everything else was a joint effort. If the house needed cleaning most of the time, I had help. If something needed repair, we did it together. If I wanted to rearrange things, I had help. If I wanted to clean out a closet or cabinet, I had help, maybe just with the lifting and checking to see that I wasn't tossing something important. But there was that other person who makes any task or journey easier.
In the last two years I was doing more and more alone, blissfully unaware of any reason for it, and I hated it. Things began to not get done. I got angry and fussed all the time about it. To no avail. I never got an explanation for it. I remember telling him one night that it felt like I was living with a roommate because he was never "there". He looked stunned but I don't remember him saying much. I was a nasty bitch a lot of that time.
I just sit here now and look around me and think, that needs repair. No strength in my left arm means I'm not going to try and pick it up, move it, or anything that will move the deltoid muscle, the one on the back of your upper arm. Just in case you think it isn't much use, think again. That's the one that, if you use it enough, you won't have flabby upper arms. Yeah, that one. You use it for virtually EVERY motion you make, except lifting your arm straight ahead and straight behind you...both pretty worthless motions for day to day activities.
Lift your arm straight out to the side, palm facing down, level with your shoulder. I can't do that. I get my palm about a foot from my thigh and then someone stabs me with a butcher knife or meat cleaver. I can't go to a drive-thru at the bank or pharmacy and use the slide out drawers or automated tellers. I can't prop my arm on anything shoulder height. Can't carry a purse or lift a box down form a shelf. Anything overhead is almost impossible, even hanging a shower curtain.
And forget carrying anything over a pound for more than a few minutes. That muscle is what allows you to carry anything heavy. It takes the brunt of the weight when you carry a piece of luggage or handbag by your side.
So, if the elves don't do it, it probably won't get done. Actually, I've done a few things I realized later I shouldn't but I can't let stuff just lie around forever. I try and find a way to get things down from shelves that won't leave me in the floor or doubled over clutching my arm.
Now that I have ragaled you with my woes and observation and played the old lady by reciting my ills I will leave you. I hope your New Year is way better than my old one. Gee, I hope my New Year is better than my old one! I hope this first day of this new year finds you with people you love. Remember the ten foot rule... all you truly care about is within ten feet of you. Hold on tight. My computer is a bit bulky but it's warm.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Happy New Year......
2010 has arrived. I saw it arrive alone. I suspect, if I live long enough, there will be many more I see arrive, alone. I should have gone to bed and it wouldn't have been such a big deal. I didn't
I guess I thought maybe there would be some radical change in the way I feel. That things would look brighter. I wouldn't feel the weight of 2009. I thought when the calendar flipped over that something would change. But if there was supposed to be some excitement or magical feeling, I missed it. The year is an hour and 45 minutes old and nothing has changed except the time and date.
I never remember a new year that I cared so little about. I don't have any goals to meet. I don't make resolutions anyway (remember the post: Lies in Fancy Dress). No positive ideals to pin to the refrigerator. Just another day at the office.So, I'm on my way to bed. I've pretty much wasted the first two hours anyway.
I guess I thought maybe there would be some radical change in the way I feel. That things would look brighter. I wouldn't feel the weight of 2009. I thought when the calendar flipped over that something would change. But if there was supposed to be some excitement or magical feeling, I missed it. The year is an hour and 45 minutes old and nothing has changed except the time and date.
I never remember a new year that I cared so little about. I don't have any goals to meet. I don't make resolutions anyway (remember the post: Lies in Fancy Dress). No positive ideals to pin to the refrigerator. Just another day at the office.So, I'm on my way to bed. I've pretty much wasted the first two hours anyway.
First Laugh of the Morning
I opened my email this morning to find this. I found it truly funny.
In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.
Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.
I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"
In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.
Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.
I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Four Days of . . .?
Good question. I have planned to have the kids over tomorrow night for pizza and to see the new year in. But after that, I really want to just do my own thing. I want to work in my edit job and maybe write some other things.
But I always get sidetracked. Everyone needs something.I really don't want much company these days. I'm what the head guys call an introvert, and probably a pretty extreme one if they knew the whole story. Social events actually tire me out. Extroverts are energized by social events.
So, what will I do. At the moment, I'm exhausted. It has been a rather trying week and I'm just spent. We all went out tonight to celebrate my youngest son's birthday. He's 26.
I came home and have been making some CD's to listen to in the car so I can continue to brush up on the Spanish. I haven't been doing it much at night the last couple of weeks. Mainly because I've been so depressed I haven't touched the book.
I"m going to bed I think now. I'd like to get up in the morning and feel good. It is raining out, been pouring for hours.. I do hope it won't be too cold or it will be ice and that will sort of put a crimp in my plans for tomorrow night.
Everyone have a happy new year, if I'm not back before then. You are all the most wonderful friends. Thank you all for your encouraging comments the last couple of days. I do read them. And they do help. When things seem darkest, it is nice to have someone strike a match.
But I always get sidetracked. Everyone needs something.I really don't want much company these days. I'm what the head guys call an introvert, and probably a pretty extreme one if they knew the whole story. Social events actually tire me out. Extroverts are energized by social events.
So, what will I do. At the moment, I'm exhausted. It has been a rather trying week and I'm just spent. We all went out tonight to celebrate my youngest son's birthday. He's 26.
I came home and have been making some CD's to listen to in the car so I can continue to brush up on the Spanish. I haven't been doing it much at night the last couple of weeks. Mainly because I've been so depressed I haven't touched the book.
I"m going to bed I think now. I'd like to get up in the morning and feel good. It is raining out, been pouring for hours.. I do hope it won't be too cold or it will be ice and that will sort of put a crimp in my plans for tomorrow night.
Everyone have a happy new year, if I'm not back before then. You are all the most wonderful friends. Thank you all for your encouraging comments the last couple of days. I do read them. And they do help. When things seem darkest, it is nice to have someone strike a match.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Long Dark Night
I don't understand sometimes why breathing seems such a chore. Why is waking up and getting out of bed is so difficult? There is an expression that came to my mind while I was writing that: the long dark night of the soul. I looked it up. Although I've heard it for years, I realized that I didn't really understand what it meant. I do now.
There were several places that described it. Wiki says, "a phase in a person's spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation." Another site that I believe has something to do with eastern religion said, "It is a feeling of having been abandoned by God, characterized by an extreme sense of loneliness, and often a sense of futility and an experience of all efforts coming out the opposite of what is expected." (http://www.kundalini-teacher.com/symptoms/darknight.php)
I actually read the page where that was found because it seemed to fit several periods in my own life where things just didn't make sense and melted away to a kind of blackness. It is where I reside at the moment. Abandonment, desolation, loneliness, everything you attempt fails. . . pretty much sums it up. A long dark night.
I wrote the preceding at 9:33 this morning. The day degenerated from that point, a spiral into an abyss. I fell apart around 2 p.m. A coworker came to my office and found me. After failing to find a way to help me the boss came in and sent me home for the day. Probably for the best. When I got to the house I was basically an emotional train wreck. Took nearly two hours to get to the point I could get out of bed.
I asked to get Sarah earlier in the day and I went and got her and spent the rest of the evening trying to stay focused on blue eyes, blond hair and gamin grins. We made supper together, ate, played with the doll house, watched Barney, played with some other toys, read about four Curious George stories (she has a huge book of about eight).
A few times she caught me upset and said, "Don't be sad Mawmaw, I'm here." Once she said, "Don't be afraid. I'm right here Mawmaw. I not gone leave you." I wanted to smile but couldn't quite pull it off. She has gone home now and I'm on my way to shower and to bed. I feel as if I've run 50 miles. I've been sleepy for hours.
But a long dark night of the soul. I experienced such a thing once years ago. I didn't know that is what it was then but after reading the explanation, I'm certain of it. And this is another version. You would think, after all this time, I'd be used to it. I'd just straighten up, wash my face and get on with my life. And it sounds like a good idea. If I thought I had a life. If I thought it matter, or if I cared. I'm finding it harder and harder to find something that would make me care.
Maybe I want life easy. I probably do. Jerry and I made our plans. We knew what life would be. We loved our church and little family. We didn't have anything else. But it was just enough to keep us happy. We were happy, for a little while. We would work. Our sons would grow up to be productive men, honest, Godly men who loved God and who would have good jobs and families of their own. We'd have grandchildren, several, just down the road where we could be surrounded on holidays with those who meant the most to us and that we could see in church on Sunday carrying on the faith we had tried to instill. And we'd grow old together and watch their children have children and we would leave a legacy behind of, not money, but character and dedication and devotion.
The last month of his life I watched my husband lose all those dreams at once. I watched him let go of them and weep for his life. I listened to him talk about the disappointment he felt at all of it. I didn't know I was getting a last confession. But I tried to reassure and absolve him, I hope. At least I told him it wasn't his fault. He did the best he could to see that it all happened. I have hoped every day since January 29th that he found some comfort in those things. That he did not die feeling like a failure because of what was around him. People should not die with no sense of achieving something good. I think he did. I'm certain he did.
Now, I am not sure it is possible to ever feel like I did the right things. I am sure that there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that. Truth cannot be changed.
There were several places that described it. Wiki says, "a phase in a person's spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation." Another site that I believe has something to do with eastern religion said, "It is a feeling of having been abandoned by God, characterized by an extreme sense of loneliness, and often a sense of futility and an experience of all efforts coming out the opposite of what is expected." (http://www.kundalini-teacher.com/symptoms/darknight.php)
I actually read the page where that was found because it seemed to fit several periods in my own life where things just didn't make sense and melted away to a kind of blackness. It is where I reside at the moment. Abandonment, desolation, loneliness, everything you attempt fails. . . pretty much sums it up. A long dark night.
I wrote the preceding at 9:33 this morning. The day degenerated from that point, a spiral into an abyss. I fell apart around 2 p.m. A coworker came to my office and found me. After failing to find a way to help me the boss came in and sent me home for the day. Probably for the best. When I got to the house I was basically an emotional train wreck. Took nearly two hours to get to the point I could get out of bed.
I asked to get Sarah earlier in the day and I went and got her and spent the rest of the evening trying to stay focused on blue eyes, blond hair and gamin grins. We made supper together, ate, played with the doll house, watched Barney, played with some other toys, read about four Curious George stories (she has a huge book of about eight).
A few times she caught me upset and said, "Don't be sad Mawmaw, I'm here." Once she said, "Don't be afraid. I'm right here Mawmaw. I not gone leave you." I wanted to smile but couldn't quite pull it off. She has gone home now and I'm on my way to shower and to bed. I feel as if I've run 50 miles. I've been sleepy for hours.
But a long dark night of the soul. I experienced such a thing once years ago. I didn't know that is what it was then but after reading the explanation, I'm certain of it. And this is another version. You would think, after all this time, I'd be used to it. I'd just straighten up, wash my face and get on with my life. And it sounds like a good idea. If I thought I had a life. If I thought it matter, or if I cared. I'm finding it harder and harder to find something that would make me care.
Maybe I want life easy. I probably do. Jerry and I made our plans. We knew what life would be. We loved our church and little family. We didn't have anything else. But it was just enough to keep us happy. We were happy, for a little while. We would work. Our sons would grow up to be productive men, honest, Godly men who loved God and who would have good jobs and families of their own. We'd have grandchildren, several, just down the road where we could be surrounded on holidays with those who meant the most to us and that we could see in church on Sunday carrying on the faith we had tried to instill. And we'd grow old together and watch their children have children and we would leave a legacy behind of, not money, but character and dedication and devotion.
The last month of his life I watched my husband lose all those dreams at once. I watched him let go of them and weep for his life. I listened to him talk about the disappointment he felt at all of it. I didn't know I was getting a last confession. But I tried to reassure and absolve him, I hope. At least I told him it wasn't his fault. He did the best he could to see that it all happened. I have hoped every day since January 29th that he found some comfort in those things. That he did not die feeling like a failure because of what was around him. People should not die with no sense of achieving something good. I think he did. I'm certain he did.
Now, I am not sure it is possible to ever feel like I did the right things. I am sure that there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that. Truth cannot be changed.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Monday Morning Yuck
Gray skies, nothing but gray skies do I see!
Wait! That's not how it goes... is it?
It is in Indiana. And colder than. . . well, I don't know if there is a song for that. It is 28 degrees. Only a few degrees warmer than it was last night. If we had some sun it might be better.
I didn't have a very good evening yesterday. I woke up feeling o.k. but it was a slippery slope and all downhill. I went to church but it was very difficult for some reason. I just felt closed off and distant. The day wore on and I wanted to feel better but couldn't seem to get there. I didn't go to church that night and that was probably a bad idea. But I sat and cleaned out two desk drawers. I have a third to go. It kept my mind off some things but I kept finding these little notes Jerry wrote reminding him of either an appointment or phone number. I still have his social security card with his signature. He had the loveliest handwriting for a man. When I run across these things I just have this dagger shoved in my chest and I can't breath.
I'm going to start throwing away stuff but it is really hard. I tend to hang on to things thinking I'll "need" it but some of it I've not touched in years! It is terrible. I did that in the garage and ultimately it was a good choice. It is harder in the house. I still don't know what to do about some items.
I want to get rid of some furniture that I have, too. I am trying to get things sorted out. I am going to try and do the faucets this weekend myself. Mike said he will help me but it will require a lot of supervision since he tends to be careless and I don't need a plumbing disaster on a Saturday. It is my shower so if it gets messed up I have a serious problem. I tried calling a handyman service but they would only recommend a plumber!
Remember to keep Jilly's grandson in your prayers. Flynn went back to the hospital and is not doing well. He is only 5 weeks old and has lost 10% of his body weight. That's very bad for a baby.
I'm going home to lunch now and take a much needed break. The day is not going well I think. I just feel very depressed.
Wait! That's not how it goes... is it?
It is in Indiana. And colder than. . . well, I don't know if there is a song for that. It is 28 degrees. Only a few degrees warmer than it was last night. If we had some sun it might be better.
I didn't have a very good evening yesterday. I woke up feeling o.k. but it was a slippery slope and all downhill. I went to church but it was very difficult for some reason. I just felt closed off and distant. The day wore on and I wanted to feel better but couldn't seem to get there. I didn't go to church that night and that was probably a bad idea. But I sat and cleaned out two desk drawers. I have a third to go. It kept my mind off some things but I kept finding these little notes Jerry wrote reminding him of either an appointment or phone number. I still have his social security card with his signature. He had the loveliest handwriting for a man. When I run across these things I just have this dagger shoved in my chest and I can't breath.
I'm going to start throwing away stuff but it is really hard. I tend to hang on to things thinking I'll "need" it but some of it I've not touched in years! It is terrible. I did that in the garage and ultimately it was a good choice. It is harder in the house. I still don't know what to do about some items.
I want to get rid of some furniture that I have, too. I am trying to get things sorted out. I am going to try and do the faucets this weekend myself. Mike said he will help me but it will require a lot of supervision since he tends to be careless and I don't need a plumbing disaster on a Saturday. It is my shower so if it gets messed up I have a serious problem. I tried calling a handyman service but they would only recommend a plumber!
Remember to keep Jilly's grandson in your prayers. Flynn went back to the hospital and is not doing well. He is only 5 weeks old and has lost 10% of his body weight. That's very bad for a baby.
I'm going home to lunch now and take a much needed break. The day is not going well I think. I just feel very depressed.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Catching Up With Myself
Sunday, last day of vacation! Whew! That was waaayyyy too fast.
I'm about to leave to pick up Mike and head off to church. I almost did not go this morning. Neck, hands, and BOTH calf muscles are hurting. The calf muscles hurt yesterday but today I think they are a bit worse. I haven't really had pain in the left one much before but today they're a match. Got a headache, too.
Tried to call to see if I could take Sarah to church. No answer. Surprise. Why do I even bother? Because I am accountable if I don't at least try.
Sorry, not going there this morning. I can't handle it.
Last night I took my laptop to bed and watched the first Lord of the Rings while lying in the comfort and warmth of my bed. That was really NICE! I do not have a television in my bedroom. I think it is a terrible idea. I have sleep problems anyway and that will only add to them. I was up until 2 a.m. watching them. I have been up since 8 a.m. this morning. I've stopped worrying about getting enough sleep. I am taking my meds regularly, although two night I didn't take the muscle relaxant... (
could be why the calves are hurting). I was very late getting to bed those night and don't like to take it after 10 p.m. However, I also went and bought my melatonin. I had run out a few weeks ago and just have not remembered to get it.
I was getting all the supplements I take and Mike looked at my basket and said, "MOM! What is all that?" I told him I have to take it all. There was Super B complex, melantonin, Calcium, Vitamin D, Chromium Picolante, milk thistle, and vitamine E. I told him that wasn't all I take either and did not include prescription meds.
I talked with my friend in Michigan last night, the one whose daughter has not been well. He said she is going to have to stay with him and drop out of school here. I think that is a good thing. She needs to be with family for support. There was too much pressure here.
It is very odd really that call. I was on my way home from Mike's and had picked up my cell phone to call Mike about something I forgot to tell him. While it was ringing something said Call R--- R----. It was so strong that I forgot why I was calling Mike and hung up. I drove a few blocks and finally decided that was a instruction that demanded attention. I thought about waiting until I got home and finish calling Mike. But the reason I was calling Mike was totally gone. My phone rang and it was Mike wanting to know why I hung up before he could answer. I told him I forgot why I was calling. I told him I'd call back. Then I immediately tried my friend's number and no answer. I left a message to say I was just checking up on them to see that all was going well and if his daughter was doing better.
I went home and about half an hour later I got a call. It was my friend. He had got my message. I told him why I was calling and asked how things were going. He said, "Well, when you called we were having a discussion and that's why I couldn't answer. I can't believe the timing of your call! It's amazing." I told him about my "orders" and that I usually try and follow them. He told me he was glad I did.
Apparently, the discussion was about things they had not said to one another and was emotioinal for both of them but he felt they had begun to work some things out. He wanted to talk a bit about it. So we did. When we hung up I was glad I had called, too. It was apparent that things were looking better for them and I was relieved. I think he was relieved to share the load a bit. But that's what friends are for.
And now, I must get to church! Mike will be having a cow.
I'm about to leave to pick up Mike and head off to church. I almost did not go this morning. Neck, hands, and BOTH calf muscles are hurting. The calf muscles hurt yesterday but today I think they are a bit worse. I haven't really had pain in the left one much before but today they're a match. Got a headache, too.
Tried to call to see if I could take Sarah to church. No answer. Surprise. Why do I even bother? Because I am accountable if I don't at least try.
Sorry, not going there this morning. I can't handle it.
Last night I took my laptop to bed and watched the first Lord of the Rings while lying in the comfort and warmth of my bed. That was really NICE! I do not have a television in my bedroom. I think it is a terrible idea. I have sleep problems anyway and that will only add to them. I was up until 2 a.m. watching them. I have been up since 8 a.m. this morning. I've stopped worrying about getting enough sleep. I am taking my meds regularly, although two night I didn't take the muscle relaxant... (
could be why the calves are hurting). I was very late getting to bed those night and don't like to take it after 10 p.m. However, I also went and bought my melatonin. I had run out a few weeks ago and just have not remembered to get it. I was getting all the supplements I take and Mike looked at my basket and said, "MOM! What is all that?" I told him I have to take it all. There was Super B complex, melantonin, Calcium, Vitamin D, Chromium Picolante, milk thistle, and vitamine E. I told him that wasn't all I take either and did not include prescription meds.
I talked with my friend in Michigan last night, the one whose daughter has not been well. He said she is going to have to stay with him and drop out of school here. I think that is a good thing. She needs to be with family for support. There was too much pressure here.
It is very odd really that call. I was on my way home from Mike's and had picked up my cell phone to call Mike about something I forgot to tell him. While it was ringing something said Call R--- R----. It was so strong that I forgot why I was calling Mike and hung up. I drove a few blocks and finally decided that was a instruction that demanded attention. I thought about waiting until I got home and finish calling Mike. But the reason I was calling Mike was totally gone. My phone rang and it was Mike wanting to know why I hung up before he could answer. I told him I forgot why I was calling. I told him I'd call back. Then I immediately tried my friend's number and no answer. I left a message to say I was just checking up on them to see that all was going well and if his daughter was doing better.
I went home and about half an hour later I got a call. It was my friend. He had got my message. I told him why I was calling and asked how things were going. He said, "Well, when you called we were having a discussion and that's why I couldn't answer. I can't believe the timing of your call! It's amazing." I told him about my "orders" and that I usually try and follow them. He told me he was glad I did.
Apparently, the discussion was about things they had not said to one another and was emotioinal for both of them but he felt they had begun to work some things out. He wanted to talk a bit about it. So we did. When we hung up I was glad I had called, too. It was apparent that things were looking better for them and I was relieved. I think he was relieved to share the load a bit. But that's what friends are for.
And now, I must get to church! Mike will be having a cow.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
My Bow (and Tree) To the Season
That Bow in the title is how you great a dignitary. But I have a bow on my door at home and a tree on Multiply. See above. Isn't English weird?
I do now wish to celebrate as I've said before. I bought the bow from a girl at work who makes them and taped it to my front door. I'll have to take a photo of it. It really is lovely. I have a Santa on my coffee table. And today, I put up the tree... on Multiply. Lovely blue lights.
Currently, it is a bright.... scratch that. It is a dark gloomy day. I don't believe I've ever seen as much cloud cover in my life as I have this winter! It is unreal. Not much snow, some rain, and lots of darkness. I thought we were going to fry and instead, we will die from lack of sunlight!
I forgot to get my vitamins and have to go to the store today and pick them up. They increased my Vitamin D from 2000 units to 3000. Well, with no sunlight I can't expect much help.
I'm depressed and have a headache today. I took the wrong meds this morning. I took the ones I usually take at night. I have a pill minder but I have done this a couple of times. I was distracted and not thinking.
For the most part, it isn't serious but I have to figure it out because it could be if my meds were more serious meds. I take two meds both morning and night and they are probably the most risky. So that's fine. But I don't take my fluid pill at night and I don't take metformin (diabetic med) at night. So, I had to go take those. I take a different BP med at night from in the mornings so, that could be a potential problem and I'll call the pharmacy about it. Could be where my headache is from. The only remaining pill is the muscle relaxant. I only take it at night although it is prescribed for 3x a day. It won't hurt me except at some point I expect to be sleepy.
A l little excitement arrived today. I stopped posting this long enough to go check my mail at the front desk this morning. I had a card from someone. I thought it was Jilly because of the postmark and wondered why she'd send me a second Christmas card at this address since she already sent me one at home. It wasn't from Jilly. I opened it in the front office and was showered with stars... and hearts, and snowflakes, and glittery wreaths. I laughed and said, "KATEY!" I had just read Riete's blog this morning and remembered Katey's blog a week or so ago. Yes, she sent me glitter. It was so funny. I went to show a friend, sharing a small bit of my glitter on her desk. She smiled and grabbed it up saying, "Its pink! I have to keep it." Everything in her office is pink.
So, Katey, thank you for the sparkly card and the stars. I like getting cards at work now and then. I'm here all day and it is a bright spot in my day. Everyone wonders who they are from. I get to say things like "My friend on my blog." or " My friend in England." They ALWAYS say, "REALLY?" And I get them at home too so I have had nice things waiting for me after work.
Lisa, I got your card and the CD but don't know if I told you. I forget sometimes. I love guitar music and so it was perfect. It will be playing this week at home. I still have last year's, too. I like playing holiday music.
Thank you all who have sent a card or gift. I so appreciate your thoughtfulness. I always liked getting Christmas cards but this year they have meant so much more to me than usual. To know you thought of me and took the time to tell me had been so lovely. I always try and send cards out but this year I just didn't even think about it so I apologize for not sending any in return. BUT I've written down all the addresses! So, I hope next year will be more cheerful and I will be able to send out lots of cards.
I have to go to lunch now. I've taken several hours to compile this. A break here and there. Good thing there is a draft feature to Multiply. If I don't talk to you all before Christmas Day, I hope it is a lovely one for every one of you. I probably will be here. You know I'm here all the time!
I do now wish to celebrate as I've said before. I bought the bow from a girl at work who makes them and taped it to my front door. I'll have to take a photo of it. It really is lovely. I have a Santa on my coffee table. And today, I put up the tree... on Multiply. Lovely blue lights.
Currently, it is a bright.... scratch that. It is a dark gloomy day. I don't believe I've ever seen as much cloud cover in my life as I have this winter! It is unreal. Not much snow, some rain, and lots of darkness. I thought we were going to fry and instead, we will die from lack of sunlight!
I forgot to get my vitamins and have to go to the store today and pick them up. They increased my Vitamin D from 2000 units to 3000. Well, with no sunlight I can't expect much help.
I'm depressed and have a headache today. I took the wrong meds this morning. I took the ones I usually take at night. I have a pill minder but I have done this a couple of times. I was distracted and not thinking.
For the most part, it isn't serious but I have to figure it out because it could be if my meds were more serious meds. I take two meds both morning and night and they are probably the most risky. So that's fine. But I don't take my fluid pill at night and I don't take metformin (diabetic med) at night. So, I had to go take those. I take a different BP med at night from in the mornings so, that could be a potential problem and I'll call the pharmacy about it. Could be where my headache is from. The only remaining pill is the muscle relaxant. I only take it at night although it is prescribed for 3x a day. It won't hurt me except at some point I expect to be sleepy.
A l little excitement arrived today. I stopped posting this long enough to go check my mail at the front desk this morning. I had a card from someone. I thought it was Jilly because of the postmark and wondered why she'd send me a second Christmas card at this address since she already sent me one at home. It wasn't from Jilly. I opened it in the front office and was showered with stars... and hearts, and snowflakes, and glittery wreaths. I laughed and said, "KATEY!" I had just read Riete's blog this morning and remembered Katey's blog a week or so ago. Yes, she sent me glitter. It was so funny. I went to show a friend, sharing a small bit of my glitter on her desk. She smiled and grabbed it up saying, "Its pink! I have to keep it." Everything in her office is pink.
So, Katey, thank you for the sparkly card and the stars. I like getting cards at work now and then. I'm here all day and it is a bright spot in my day. Everyone wonders who they are from. I get to say things like "My friend on my blog." or " My friend in England." They ALWAYS say, "REALLY?" And I get them at home too so I have had nice things waiting for me after work.
Lisa, I got your card and the CD but don't know if I told you. I forget sometimes. I love guitar music and so it was perfect. It will be playing this week at home. I still have last year's, too. I like playing holiday music.
Thank you all who have sent a card or gift. I so appreciate your thoughtfulness. I always liked getting Christmas cards but this year they have meant so much more to me than usual. To know you thought of me and took the time to tell me had been so lovely. I always try and send cards out but this year I just didn't even think about it so I apologize for not sending any in return. BUT I've written down all the addresses! So, I hope next year will be more cheerful and I will be able to send out lots of cards.
I have to go to lunch now. I've taken several hours to compile this. A break here and there. Good thing there is a draft feature to Multiply. If I don't talk to you all before Christmas Day, I hope it is a lovely one for every one of you. I probably will be here. You know I'm here all the time!
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