Two Mondays a Week

I feel like I'm chasing my tail. If I had a tail. Today is, of course, Tuesday... after Labor Day which, in my view, makes this Monday. It has been Monday all day long. 

My day started off at a run. I'm going on vacation on the 16th and will be out of my office for a week. So, that means I have to really get ahead in my caseload. Since I am already behind by about two weeks, this is not good. I have really hit it hard today, doing about 12 files of data entry. This is actually excellent. Generally, I can get 10 at the most done in a day. So, two more is a good thing. But not enough. I have nearly 20 more.

This is no way to start a week. The last week was fairly rotten in the first place. I was sick and family crises fell like hailstones. To start another week, a new month in fact, even worse is just frustrating. 

It feels as if my life is imploding. That's different from an explosion. It means to collapse inward from external pressures or to break down or fall apart from within. I can't find a much better description. I don't want to go into it here on this blog at this point. Someone pointed out that I'd once again have to go  through a form of grief. I don't want to do that anymore. Ever. I am so stressed at the moment that I can feel it in my chest. No, not actually pain. Just that heaviness you get when things are at their worst and you know you can't fix it. Fear sort of just gnaws at you bit by bit. You get tired.

I am tired. Of a life that seems filled with every dream and hope that I ever held shattered at my feet and then I am forced to walk across the razor sharp shards to some nebulous end. There is not pot of gold. There's not even a rainbow.  There will be those who say I overreact. Maybe I do. You need to walk very quietly from the room. Don't come back until I call you. Don't hold your breath. 

Monday I went to the Urgent care for a bug bite. Silly old thing that I am, I had a mosquito bite on my thumb but then there was some other bite on my leg, above my ankle. It happened in the car. Mike and I were taking Sarah home around five. She'd been to the Labor Day picnic with us but I was tired. I suppose the bug got in when I did. I got stressed because the mosquitoes here are infested with West Nile virus. I'm been so careful going out and taking Sarah out. But I only went from inside the house to inside the car. I shouldn't have to shower in Off. But I got bit.

The one on my thumb looked like a normal mosquito bite. The one on my leg didn't. It didn't get the red raised mound of a normal mosquito bite. It got very red and made a rectangular mark that grew to about the size of the end of my pinky from the join to the tip. It stung, not as bad as a bee sting but sort of like it feels when you stick a hot match to your skin. I had a terrible meltdown. There was no one to really care about it. No one to hold my hand, talk me down to a sane frame of mind. I called a couple of people. They have lives of their own. They moved on. 

Of course no one was as concerned as I. I don't know what I expected. I was terrified. Yeah, I know I nuts. You're late. The mark just got redder and redder and seem to spread over the course two hours. I finally decided to go to the urgent care. I called and ask David to go with me. Jerry would have gone with me if he'd been here. Mike would have gone if I'd called him but he doesn't handle my stress well anymore. Who am I kidding... I don't handle it well anymore. He's just not equipped for it, although he tries valiantly. More so than anyone else. 

Anyway, Dave went with me. I melted down in the car. He actually handled it pretty well. I really  needed Jerry to be there. Really, really, really. I got Dave to drive. I sat in the waiting room two hours and the mark faded away. Once they called me back I felt stupid but I have to say they didn't treat me that way. The were very kind and understanding and the doctor, when I saw him told me he was going to take notes on what had happened and if something changed I was to call. He said there were things they could tell me on the phone to do so I wouldn't have to come back in. I dropped David home and came home alone. 

It is an eternal irony that I don't want to live with people but I do not want to be alone. I am not able to resolve the paradox. 

Over the Hump....at the Bottom of the Hill?

Today is hump day, the day when the rest of the week goes down hill... I'm not sure why we would think that is a good thing...but we do. I'm just glad I have one more day to work this week.

I took Friday off. I am taking Sarah to St. Louis to the Science Museum and if it isn't too hot, the Zoo. If it is too hot we'll do something else. We will all stay in a hotel tomorrow night and spend Saturday exploring. I'll have Dave & Becca and Mike along, too. I know they'll all have a good time and maybe I'll stop being so bummed out after a day away from home.

I posted the "final" chapters of The End of Winter so the gals in the writing group could read it. If you are one who read this during my 2008 NaNo and want to see the end, let me know. You will know who you are and need only send me an email to my email address... which you will have if you know me.


I am still tired. This afternoon after work I came from home, got a shower, put on  babydoll PJs, and had a personal pizza for supper while watching t.v. It is now just after 10 and for the first time in weeks, I don't feel buried under a black cloud. I'm still tired and will go to bed soon and I'm still not very cheerful. I do feel a bit less stressed. I had my writer's meeting on Monday night and those girls keep me laughing for a couple of hours and I always feel better after that. I spent the rest of Monday night and Tuesday night reading.


I sat up late the last two nights reading the BEST book I've read in a long time. Really. The writing was so tight I found myself looking for things wrong with it! The story was really good and a lot of fun. Typical old fashioned mystery. P. B. Ryan's Still Life with Murder. I highly recommend it. It is the first in a series and I got it free from Amazon. It is considered an historical mystery because it is set in Boston just after the Civil War. The main character Nell Sweeney is intriguing and I'll be getting the other books in the series just to learn more about her. I simply could not put it down and the ending was a surprise, which almost never happens with me. Although, these days, I'm not very attentive to details so it is possible someone else might not be as surprised.

I'm reading the start of the second book because it was included in the download... I'm already hooked by this 18th century female detective.



I'm having less pain this week I think. Yes, I'm not sure. My knees are sore and as I said, I'm tired. I'm not supposed to sit up late. I must get enough sleep. But I've been so disinterested in reading for so long that when I find a book that hooks me I hate to stop.

What I really want is to be able to retire. I am thinking about getting a site set up for donations. Yes. You heard me. I said donations. I'll direct people to my depressing posts and give details on my situation and condition. Then, I'll have a Pay Pal account set up so people who truly understand and want to help me can put their money where their mouth is. Look, I've had over 14,000 hits on this site since I began it. Over half those came in since November 2010. Something tipped the scale. Not sure what. Maybe I made a name for myself on the forums. Where are they all coming from? Russia and the US are apparently at the top of the list, with Russia in first place.

~(:\)

What have I said that would appeal to 100 Russians? What could they be interested in? My wit? My charm? My good looks? My audacity?

And now, I shall post this blog. I started it on a break early today and finished it just now. It should bring everyone up to speed. Tomorrow.... who knows.

Slumgullion

Mama made a soup she called Slumgullion. I only discovered just now that it is a real soup! I was eating it when I was five. Basically a vegetable soup with everything but the sink tossed in. Mama's was, at least. It was wonderful as I recall. I make a similar soup on occasion. I think this post is rather like her soup but not as good, I'm afraid.

As I begin this blog I'm sitting on my front porch. It is 8:38 p.m. in S. Indian and the crescent moon is at about 45 degrees in the western sky. There is a nice breeze and aside from the sounds of the highway about three block south of me, it is nice out here. The screen of my laptop is the brightest thing around. Well, the street light is probably second but only because it is farther away. I actually had to turn on my keyboard light because I can't see it in the glare of the screen.

Oddly enough, recently Google Chrome came up with an extension that lets me set the screen to a gray scale and this is immensely helpful when blogging in the dark! No glare in your eyes and now, the brightest light actually is the street light. Have I said today, "I love all things Google"?

I've been trying very hard to make myself blog and it hasn't worked well. I checked and in April I think I did only one post. May is only slightly better. That's insane for me. I'm usually good for nearly one a day. I can only say that things have been happening... or not.


The weekend is looming and I'm very glad. We are going to put down a walkway in the front yard and I have two flower beds to get prepared. Becca's dad brought a tiller over and broke the ground up for me and I will go tomorrow night and get gravel, paving stones, and whatever else I need to do this. I'm rather excited about a front walk.

I have a 4 day weekend. Memorial Day is Monday and our office is closed and I took Tuesday off. I begged more or less. I said, "Please, Marques!" He said, "I don't think it will be a problem." I think I'm ahead of everyone else in processing files. I've been going non-stop and I have a little room because I've been driven.


I've been experiencing absolute exhaustion since I got home from Florida. If you watched the video you know we had a really good time. I got sunburned. I enjoyed my family. I was, however, glad to get back to my house. There is no bed like your own.

My only explanation for the exhaustion is work. There is no time for a break these days. It is non-stop data processing and if you stop, the penalty is you get behind double the time you stop. I was gone a week. Still, I managed to get all the back log processed but the penalty is a seriously fried brain and an inability to find enough rest. I'm seriously tired to the point of depression. Yes, I am sleeping. Hard. I am considering asking my doctor to order a sleep study. I need to know if I'm actually resting properly.

Not only am I way behind on blogging, but I haven't written a thing in any area. I've thought about it. But that's it. That doesn't count. I have been looking into a writing workshop. I need something to get me going and it looked interesting. But I'm so tired I'm a bit cautious about jumping into anything right now.

I have been reading more than usual. It is a pursuit that doesn't require much energy. If I fall asleep while I'm doing it I can wake up and pick up where I left off without ever moving.

We need rain here desperately. The ground was so hard when David began to dig for the walkway he had to wet it down. The soil here is loamy and wonderful farmland but when wet, it is heavy. That is why John came and brought the tiller over. Now we have a nicely plowed area we will scoop out and level on Saturday and then, lay gravel and paving stones... I so hope. I'll take photos. I've planned a flower bed along the front and one side of the porch. On the opposite is a patio and a flower bush so I won't do one there. No idea what I'll plant aside from some marigolds and "princess feathers". No I don't know their proper name.

And I want so badly to write. I hate the brain drain that hits me when I'm this tired. Blogging seems to be about the only thing I can do. And not even good blogs at that.

I had a dream last night about some dark haired man. I don't know who he was but I spent a long time talking to him. I dreamed I woke up next to him only to wake up and find I was alone. I was very depressed. I kept trying to figure out if he was Jerry or someone else. It bothered me. And saddened me. How does one ever learn to be alone after 35 years of together? It will be 4 years next January. I do not feel any closer to adjusting than I did then. I was just a child of 17 and Jerry was all the life I knew. The current life seems rather boring and hollow.

Forging Ahead... Blindly

I've been AWOL quite a bit lately. Work has been horrendous and I'm exhausted. Not to mention I've had so much pain I just have been unable to do much of anything after I get home.

This past Saturday Mike and I moved furniture. Actually, I did and he showed up later and helped me finish. However, there is a price for such things. I've paid in spades.

Problem is I've been exhausted to the point I can barely get through the day. I'm on my way to bed now but felt I should probably stop and post something so folks would know I'm still around.

I haven't had a lot to say either. Dave lost his job and is still looking. I went and ordered a sofa. I've put in my vacation time and am going canoeing with my family the second week of May. Did I say work is horrible? The 50 extra cases  have simply swamped us all. We have an agency evaluation going on, requested by the new director.

Must say this to get it down... I want corroboration in the event something happens. I had a dream about two weeks ago. Dreamed the new director was setting up an office in our department, which is about 10 minutes from corporate, and staff were helping him set up, asking if there was anything he needed. I woke with no resolution or explanation of the dream. Let me state I never dream about work. I can't remember ever dreaming about my job since I've been at the housing authority. The only job I ever dreamed about was one I was fired from years ago when I told the bosses they were unprofessional and crass (they liked telling dirty jokes, despite my request not to be told dirty jokes). Too long to tell it here but lets just say that the dream happened before I was fired and fell into a category that clearly pointed out a problem I was having and that it would be resolved. It was solved by the firing. I have no regrets about it.

My theory is that at some point in the near future, the ed will be overseeing operations of our department for some reason. My theory is there are more staff changes coming. I've told this dream to two other people at work right after I had it. They laughed. I never laugh at dreams I have.... I usually end up crying over them. I actually hope this dream is beans.

I'm going to lunch with Loraine on Thursday. That will be a nice change. Always good to visit with a friend.