Monday Morning Blahs

I woke to find a dusting of snow on the ground and was so stressed I didn't want to leave the house. I've been depressed all weekend and missing Jerry terribly. I can't do anything about it.

I have a mild migraine headache on top of that. I think I may take something in a bit if it isn't better.

I had to go get that lab work done that I keep forgetting. They had to stick me twice in the back of my hand and said they still did not get enough. I think I was dehydrated. I had not had anything to drink and I was sweating when I woke up. The reason for my headache most likely. My doctor will probably be annoyed. I don't care.

My sister's tenant moved out of her rental unit. She is stressed and as a result so am I. I wish she had never bought the thing. The market is bad and she can't keep anyone in it for more than a year. She asked if Mike would want to move into it but he doesn't want to move in. I did ask him and then she asked him. It is a nice apartment but people don't want to pay their bills. They want everything free.

First Dave and Becca lived in it they didn't pay their utility bills and had to go somewhere that the Landlord would pay them. Then, Becca's mom and dad moved in and they didn't pay their security deposit and complained about rent half the time. They just moved out without any notice and they still owe rent because they have the keys. Do you think they will pay it? I doubt it. Actually, the wife moved out first with a cockamamie story that they were going to live in separate places. I told Phyllis to advertise then because I didn't believe he would stay. She believed he'd stay. He calls on the 1st to say he's moving. But he hasn't paid his rent. I told her to file it in court and report it to the credit bureau. They are both on the lease and it is a record for future landlords. There will be others. There always are.

Sadly, I had suggested Dave and Becca and Becca's folks. I thought these were people who were reliable. And they did take care of the place. But you can't live and not work and pay your bills. I've learned my lessons. Mike wants to stay where he is and that is better for him. Probably for me, too.

You know, I'm done with handouts. I give everything I can and all I get is smacked. No matter how nice, no matter how much money I fork out, no matter how I bend over backward to help, I end up with a knife stuck in me. I've been praying about it and asking God if I should change my character to stop this destructive behavior or sever ties with people who behave this way. There are times when someone needs help. And if I can do that then I want to do it. But when the same people come back again and again and again and never offer to return the favor, you got to wonder where the problem lies. I'm thinking I just need to stop rescue operations and everything that resembles favors. Start saying no.

I was asked today who I wanted to give as an emergency contact. Do you know, there wasn't anyone locally? Isn't that crazy? There isn't anyone capable of handling my affairs if something happens to me and I can't act. That is scary. Oh, I give my sister as primary but things are just crazy here.

I've thought over and over about moving but I can't do it. I have my house, my job, Jerry for all that he is dead, is here. I have a church that I truly love, warts and all. I don't know where I'd go. It is a very strange position to be in where those who love you most are gone. I've never realized how hollow life is without that. It pretty much doesn't mean anything. I can see why some people stop believing in anything and become bitter and hard.

Sorry for the depressing rant. I have lots of new friends and I'm grateful for them. I have my friends here on Multiply, nearly all long time friends. I do have family that love me. It just doesn't seem like it sometimes. I looked at Michael the other night and I thought how very very blessed I am to have Michael. In the early months of this nightmare I've been living, Mike was here. He stayed around when everyone else was gone. He didn't ask me questions, try to cheer me up, ask for anything. He sat here watching television or on the computer... just in case. And when I fell apart, he did his best to keep me together and when he couldn't, he made the calls.

He has no job. He has no money. He has no prospects. He has nothing at all. But Michael loves me completely and without any reservations or expectations. He is difficult to handle at times but Michael has, all his life, made my life brighter. He was the sunshine in nearly every day of his life. And the greatest heartbreaks have been for him. But he was just a good boy and still is. Everyone should have a Michael in their pocket. He was well named.