And Tuesday Arrived Wrapped in Shimmering Gray

Yes, she did. Wet, shimmering gray. Perhaps because she fell in the pool on the way in? At any rate, what a gloomy girl.

I went to bed at 9:30 last night. I just was so tired. I didn't get up until 6:30 this morning. That's 9 hours sleep! I have not been taking the Doxepin because I just needed my head cleared for a bit. It does get me foggy after about a week but it makes me sleep better at night. Although, I still take the muscle relaxant and melatonin. Maybe I just need a regular bedtime.

I'm not good and I can't tell why. I'm very depressed. I recognize the signs. Then, there is that hollow feeling that never really leaves and looms larger some days. I don't know if you can understand this concept but have you ever stood next to an open elevator shaft that had no elevator in it? I have and that is what it feels like. This yawning hole, not really threatening, just disconcerting.

Lately, I've been on the verge of tears all the time. I manage to maintain my composure for the most part. Yesterday, at my desk I just started to cry and had to close my door. I've been hearing things in the house again, as if someone is there. One night I got up and searched the whole place. It wasn't fun. I don't actually tell that to people much. I'm not imaginative in that way. I've always been pretty down to earth. A noise is a noise. I can't say the noises frighten me. I don't frighten easily, thankfully. I just don't like hearing sounds of people walking or moving about. I've not had mice for some time and they are not shy about leaving me signs so it isn't mice. I guess I'm not used to being afraid. And I am, most of the time.

I'm seeing my counselor today. I don't anticipate a very positive session. I'm very depressed. I did take Mike to lunch with me. He's the only one who calls these days or answers his phone when I call. It is always an adventure with Mike. You never know what mood he will be in. Today he was still coughing from the cold he can't seem to shake. But I think his mood was good all the same. I think he's been getting more sleep.

I'll be glad when my aunt comes back from her cruise. She calls everyday and it is nice to hear from her. My writer's group meets tomorrow night and that crew is always entertaining and just a pleasure to see.

Let's face it. I despise this whole thing. I'm not going to "get used to it". I'm not going to "get past it". I'm not going to "adjust". Makes me sound like one of those old televisions with the "rabbit ears" (you know those two pronged antenna that you had to put foil on and have someone adjust them so you could see a picture). I don't know how I am supposed to adjust.

I'm going to go home tonight and maybe go to the Y or I may be taking Mike to the store for some items he needs. We can argue about the merits of what he wants and who's paying. LOL, adventure, remember?