Dinner Bell Has Rung

I'm going to lunch. I've called Mike and told him I'd take him to lunch. I've been away for four days and it will be nice to see him.

Yes, I call it dinner. A southerner to the bone. We have supper in the evening. LOL! With my Yankee friends it is still lunch and my sons say lunch, too. Habit from living in the north.

Anyway, I'll get on later if possible. I promised my aunt I'd create her a pretty background. So that will keep me busy for a bit.

It is lovely outside today but I put on sunblock to stop some of this tanning. I don't tan well. Freckle and blotches. Yuk! Freckles on an old lady look awful. Now need a good bleaching formula. The creams on the market irritate me. Anyone with idea?

What Would He Pay?

While waiting in line to check out at a Christian bookstore,
a man in front of me asked the clerk about a display of hats
with the letters WWJD on them. The clerk explained that WWJD
stands for "What would Jesus do?" and that the idea is to
get people to consider this question when making decisions.

The man pondered a moment, then replied, "I don't think he'd
pay $17.95 for that hat."

Home Again... Tomorrow

I'm heading home tomorrow! Not sure when I will get in but I hope it is early enough to rest.

I asked everyone to pop in to my aunt's new blog but forgot to put her address down. Here is the link. Dixie's Aunt. You have all been great to my sister and I know I can count on you to welcome my aunt. I will be designing her a background this week once I get back home.

I find myself dreading the trip because it takes six-seven hours. I was really running out of steam by the time I got here on Friday. I told my aunt that this trip was my travel tolerance test. I've discovered the limit I can drive in one day. Six hours is plenty. It is 12 hours to the coast from my house.

I'm signing off for the night. I'll be back on in a day or two.

Hot 'Lanta

I am sitting in my aunt's den in Jonesboro, Georgia. It is hot out there folks! And my St. John's Wort did exactly what I was afraid of. I am photo sensitive. Every time I get in the sun for a few minutes, I look like I am sunburned. It stings for a bit but if I get out of the sun it goes away. I've been staying indoors. But that is why I came here anyway, to change scenery and get my bearings.

I've been setting up my aunt's new blog. She had one but it wasn't set up properly and so we deleted it and she now has a new one. I'd love it if all you girls who have been so wonderful would stop by and say hello to her. I don't know if she will get into blogging but she does't pop around and visit me. I've bragged on you gal so much, she asked me today "How do I get friends?" Y'all help me train her.

I bought a new pair of shoes and some tops today. We went to Penny's and Kohl's. Penny's St. John's Bay shoes are so comfortable and I wanted another pair of sandals like I already bought. The photos are in the albums and many of you commented on them. They didn't have them in stock but I bought another that are Strictly Comfort. I like them all right but they aren't as comfortable as my SJB's. I'm going to look for them at home when I get back.

I'm getting off for now. I'll be leaving on Sunday. Everyone have a good weekend!

Alligator Attack!

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

Trip

I'm going on a little trip this weekend. I decided this morning that I have to go away for some much needed relaxation. I'm leaving Friday and coming back Monday. I don't think I will have an internet or computer during those days so you probably won't hear from me during that time. But I'll be back on by Monday night for sure.

I have a therapy appointment in about an hour and today I don't actually want to go. I just really want to lie down. I've been overly tired for a week now. I've been going to bed a bit earlier but I am just waking up earlier! So much for the theory that I'm not sleeping enough. LOL!

I've had a really horrible two weeks. I feel as if I've started all over and that can't be good. I'm not doing anything and I think that is the problem. I'm the kind of person who needs to be doing something constructive and game on the computer and internet reading are just not meeting that need. But I've been so tired and I can't get beyond the start of something before I run out of steam. I don't really know what to do or how to combat that.

I checked on support groups and there are none here. I guess no one else's spouses die. Or maybe their churches provide enough support. It is a heavily churched city - over 700 churches in a city of about 500,000. I don't know. I do know I can't keep operating this way. I am hoping a weekend away will help me get on track.

I've still not bought that laptop. I'm a bit paranoid about money at the moment. I've found that when I feel bad I want to go buy something. That has never been something I did. I've always been conservative about spending and when I had those urges I could handle it. I'd go and get a shake or drink or a book if anything. Or I'd walk around in the store until it passed. But now, it is harder. I've gone out several times and bought things and wondered why I did that when I got home. It isn't things I've splurged on. I could use every single one but this is how addictions are created. The other day I bought a display case for Jerry's flag they presented at the funeral and a frame for one of our family photos that I just love. The old frame got broken so long ago I can't remember. It was taken when the boys were not quiet teenagers. It is a great photo of a happy family, something we lost somewhere. The flag looks so nice in the case and the photo is a special one that should be hung.

I'm going to stop now so I can get some work done. I'll be back off and on the next three days.

Monday Morning Mullygrubs

I woke up again not knowing what day it was. That is so odd for me. When I realized that it was Monday I was plummeted into a depression. I do not want to be here this morning. Yesterday was not a good day in any shape, form, or fashion. I do not want to spend another day like that. I'm tired of feeling swallowed up.

And I wish I could wake up without pain of any kind. I had a bad spell last night that I don't know what it was or what caused it. I was sitting in a chair talking on the phone with my aunt. I had my arm behind my head and was sitting back in my chair. I shifted position and it felt as if someone slammed me in the side of my head so hard that my eyes felt as if they jarred. I got so dizzy that I thought I'd fall over and for several hours I felt lightheaded. It was very scary because I saw no reason for it. I checked my BP several times over the next hour and it was fine. I don't know if that was a sudden drop in BP, a drop in blood sugar, or if that place in my neck is a pinched nerve and when I moved it caused the problem.

When I called my doctor's office a while ago to see if I could talk to the nurse, they said the staff were all out today. O.k. I could schedule a covering doctor but that would mean going over my history with them. I don't want to deal with this today. And I still don't feel well. So, not sure what to do.

Anyone out there a nurse?

I think I am going to ask for Friday and Monday off. I'd like to drive down to Atlanta for a couple of days and just get away. We are only getting a three day weekend on the 4th of July weekend and I don't want to drive anywhere that weekend. I get 13 hrs of vacation a month so I should have plenty of time to do it. We'll see how that goes.

Ok, it has taken the better part of the morning to do this between jobs and I am going off for the rest of the day.

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day here in the states. We use this day to give honor to our fathers. Most churches will have some little presentation for fathers. My church does this. All the fathers will stand and they will give each one a small gift.These are usually small tie pins or bookmarks. Then, they will sit down and when church is over the fathers will go out to lunch with their families.

I did not go to church today. We are not celebrating over lunch.

I am home today because family holidays do not seem to be of interest to any of us. We all talked yesterday and all agreed that today, we would not do Father's day.

I will call my uncle later and wish him a happy father's day. I may call my own father, whom I've only seen once since I was five but with whom I have reestablished tenuous ties in the last 22 years. He has done some nice things for me during that time and I appreciate them.

But the man who was the father of my children is not here. I can only sit and remember what we have lost and I realize how very little a single day of honor can express all that he did for his family.

Wasted Days, Wasted Space

I just spent the morning writing my nephew in Afghanistan and playing some game on the computer. I have to get dressed now and find something really productive to make up for the lost time.

I don't feel the letter writing was a waste of time but then it only took about an hour. I sent it Motomail and the letter had to be broken up into three different emails because it was so long. They can only print one page for each letter. Well, he'll get the equivalent of three letters. LOL. Hope it works.

I want to clean out some closets and toss clothes I can or will never wear again. I am stupid for hanging on to some of this stuff and have no room if I buy something new. It is just wasted space than can be better used. So, it goes. I hope. It is very hard to toss clothes for me. "I'm sure I will wear this again." Right. Not.

Anyway, I am going now and do it. Keep your fingers crossed. I will let you know how it all comes out.

I also want to thin out some books and junk sitting around. Most are books I probably won't ever read again. A few were sale books I thought I'd like, started and never finished. These are not novels. These are books like The Lore of the Unicorn; Exons, Introns, and Talking Genes; The Copernican Revolution (I actually did read that and it was good!); Cosmic Questions (read that too and it was good also). Anyway, you get the idea. These were bookstore sale books that no one else would buy... they know a sucker when they see them. Anyway, the last two were science books that I actually liked and learned from. One actually told me how to tell time by the stars and I used it once camping! How weird is that? That would be the Copernican Revolution.... you know, they guy that actually believe the sun was stationery?

Well, anyway, I've been weeding books for nearly a year now and it is hard for me. I love being surrounded by books and I read anything about everything so it is an eclectic collection. Last night I decided to pick up my spanish book and read to brush up on it. I was sitting on my bed at 1:00 a.m. this morning reading spanish aloud. Well, there was not one to disturbe and it kept the demons at bay. Apparently, they don't speak spanish?

I'm going to check on auditing Spanish classes at the university. I took two years of college Spanish and loved it. My prof wanted me to continue with the next two years but I was in my senior year of college and I didn't want to do it. So, now, I'm sorry. I'm 10 years older and don't know if I can catch it up. But auditing will get me in the class with no credit (I don't need it), and give me something to do. If all goes well, I might actually take the next two levels. We'll see.

I got to go before I waste any more of the day. Nothing gets done! Today I'd like to have something to show for it.

More Information about Insulin Resistance

Here an another article with valuable information on diabetes and insulin resistance. I was actually surprised by the top part of the article. Lower in the body of the test is the information I an referring to you.

The site where this is found is a great health site filled with lots of information. Evaluate all health information careful and research before jumping on any bandwagon.

Can Selenium Cause Diabetes

True Story: Office Receptionist

Our office switchboard is very busy . Not only do they answer the phone and transfer calls for 14 people, they greet every visitor and answer questions/ They also insure that each person gets the correct paperwork or receipts paperwork they are turning in. They don't have headsets and we have six lines that can ring all at once. So, waiting on a client and having to answer the phone can get a bit overwhelming.

Today, Nancy, one of the receptionists had a man she was helping at the front desk with paperwork. The phone rang and she said, "Good morning, Leased Housing. May I help you?"

The man she was helping looked at her strangly and said, "Don't you have to pick it up first?"

I asked what happened after that but she was laughing hysterically and couldn't tell me.

You never know what will happen in Section 8.

Busy A a June Bug?

Is a June Bug busy? I don' t know but I always try and come up with catchy titles so you'll read what I post!

I'm definitely a bit down this morning. Dave, Becca and Sarah spent the night with me last night. I was glad to have them because I could go to bed and not stress about it. Becca and Sarah went to church with me yesterday morning. Sarah loves the Sunday School class at my church and David had to work so, they went with me. That was nice. The two girls spent the day with me and Sarah and I took a nap together, a fun event.

That little doll baby is just about the sweetest child I've ever seen. Her daddy was a wonderful baby, too and so sweet but I spoiled him mercilessly and he's not done so well as an adult because of it. He has a hard road ahead of him. When everyone loves you as a child, you just don't get why some adults don't like you. But I have to hand it to Sarah's mother, she is doing a very good job with her. She is, of course a bit spoiled, but she is very obedient and polite for a two-year-old. But then, as I recall, so were my boys. Please, thank you, yes m'am and no m'am were common phrases we taught them. Actually, for the most part, David is doing well I guess but he's had a lot of struggles in the last half dozen years.

I just can't get over Sarah's speech abilities. We are constantly blown away by what she says. Her mother was getting onto her this past week about something and Sarah was walking down the hall. She said, "I'm just a little bit scared." She told me this week that she "needed to go home and take a break". We read book after book after book and she still doesn't get enough. As long as your voice will hold out, she will sit and listen to you read! She loves my old Dick and Jane readers I've collected. Any story, even if there are no pictures, she will listen to.

Last night I watched her as she tried to repeat a phrase I said. She made me repeat it over and over until she could say it and you could see her working it over in her mind. She stared off into space while I said it and when I finished, she would look at me seriously and say, "say it again". She's like a word machine.

She also makes word rhymes. Do they do that at two and a half? I thought rhyming was not until about 4 or 5. She sings a lot anyway but we hear her taking a word and rhyming it, kind of like that song from the 60's -The Name Game -and making a song of her own! She's never heard the song as far as I know. I don't even like it or own a copy of it. She knows dozens of song, too. I can't ever remember seeing a child that knew as many songs at that age. She is a constant source of amazement for me. I sometimes fear she is too smart, if there is such a thing. That comes with its own problems.

I finished a chapter of Mist last night. It was a very short one so I don't know if Alice will be happy but it took the story a step farther along. It is strange when this particular writing bug bites. You really don't want to do much else. And it has been a while since I could actually focus on such things. I am still not able to maintain it for long. I am looking forward to November's NaNoWriMo. It isn't that far away and maybe by then I won't be in the Pits of Doom quite so often. They don't let you out much here but I'd like to have a 30 day furlough if possible in November. I may get a 5th novel going! LOL, I'd like to get one finished. I've promised myself this weekend to start working more on the two stories I have in progress so I can see them finished and ready for a rewrite. I dread that thought.

My yard is so lovely since I've had someone treat it but it has been too hot to sit outside during the day most days. The evenings I am too lonely to sit there. I bought an umbrella and have yet to enjoy it for more than a few minutes. I'd like to be able to just sit and relax but my mind can't deal with that. I have to continually be doing something or I think too much. Crazy, huh?

I can't sustain the positive outlook for long. Life has become so complicated and I just want to rest and enjoy it. I can't. I can't make plans or dream or hope or anything. The Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick. It is true. And hope destroyed is worse. I keep remembering that last month how we had suddenly begun to see daylight on some things and how we thought things were going to improve now, how we would be able to do some things for us. How we began to make real plans the way we had not done for so long. And then it all stopped, over night the world was turned upside down and every plan and dream emptied out and lost in the icy darkness. Now, in my mind I see this woman standing in the dark, her mouth opened in this long soundless scream. It never stops. That's strange, isn't it. Should I be worried that I see her so clearly? Is she me? I don't know. She's always there, in the dark places. I'm just thankful I can't hear her.

Body Works

I had an appointment with my MD today. Everything was "super" as he put. My blood sugar was normal and this is the second reading for that. He wants to take me off my metformin (this helps the body utilize my insulin and keep those levels normal.) I do not take insulin and do not have full blown diabetes. I am resistant to my own insulin. We talked about it and then decided that since I've just started the PT and will be trying to work out after that is done, he will wait until my next physical before he will either reduce it or take me off of it completely.

Getting off the metformin would be great as long as I can keep my energy levels up. I was put on it because I was constantly exhausted. A test showed that I was insulin resistant. This is also known as metabolic syndrome. That means that when I eat, my body doesn't burn my food energy and it thinks I need more insulin. It release more insulin and continue to try and get the cells to absorb nutrients. Insulin is an inflammatory agent and the more you are releasing, the more inflammation and tired you get. You also develop things like RA, infertility, obesity, headache, high bp, and a host of other aliments. You don't have to be a diabetic to be insulin resistant. I probably was most of my life. I just didn't know it. I exercised for over 30 years and that kept it under control. When I stopped all the aerobics and gained weight, then I had a problem.

That is another reason he is waiting. He wants to be sure any tiredness is not related to metabolic problems or my emotional state and that the exercise has been sustained.

My A1c count was excellent, too. Now class, how many of you know what this means? LOL, none? Neither did I until this last year. You eye doctor needs to know this number also if you are insulin resistant or diabetic.

I don't know about cholesterol levels at this point. I don't think they checked it this time. Well, now you know the how the old body is working.

I am having a terrible time at night but I can't fix that so won't dwell on it today

A Day in the Pool

Well, only an hour but you get it.

First day of physical therapy went fine. Walked in the pool, back and forth, for an hour. Forward, sideways, backward. An hour. Talked the whole time. I hate it when I do that. Lately, I can't stop talking and I feel like a crazy person doing that. Therapist was very nice and just let me gab on. Probably good for me too.

The pool was heated and I really wanted to just soak for hours. Even if the exercise doesn't help, the heat probably will. It was lovely. I go back Thursday.

So, now, I'm soooo tired. I am going to go to bed very soon. Thanks for all the notes and comments you have all sent me in the last 24 hours. They have all been such a blessing.

I feel as if God had sent people in my path the last couple of days. Today I had to leave work earlier than I planned. I just had a melt down and had to get out of the building. I went to pick up a fake owl for my porch since the pigeons suddenly are roosting under the awning! I hate them. I have poop all over my porch and steps. I couldn't even get in the house without tiptoeing.

Anyway, I went to Rural King, a sort of farm store with everything you can imagine in it. I was looking for motor oil for the mower. An attractive young man with a beard turned and smiled at me and I thought "I know you." In fact, I said it out loud. He smiled and and said, "Lewis." I was so surprised to see him. Jerry and I knew him from our old church about 10 years ago. He and I chatted about 30 minutes and it was just what I needed. He just shared with me what he felt the Lord was doing with him and it was so nice to hear. I remembered how kind he had always been to my sons and took the time to just talk with them and befriend them. Jerry and I both liked him and were glad he was a friend of our boys. He is a bit of an entrepreneur and always has his own business going. The last time I saw him it was small engine repair. He did some work for us. Just Saturday I noticed my mimosa tress in the back are dead and I told the Lord I needed someone to remove them. Guess what this young man is doing now? Tree removal!

So, I got his card and he will come give me a free estimate. I say young man. I think Lewis is in his late 30's, maybe a few years older than Mike, who is going to be 30 this year, but that seems young to me. I remember I asked him once why he never married. He said he was waiting for God to send him the right girl. I didn't get the chance to ask him today if he'd found her yet. He is one of those nice boys that ever mother hopes will find a nice girl.

As for my pigeons, he told me the city had released peregrine falcons in the downtown area and they feed on pigeons. They were trying to reduce the population. A light went off for me and I realized that what they have done is pushed the population out of the inner city and into the surrounding areas. They are looking for new nesting grounds. So, we shall see how my owl works. He's quite scary with his glassy eyes. And his head bobbles! I came around the edge of my house and was startled by him. LOL, I patted him on the head and said, "We'll see how the pigeons like you."

I had another couple who IM'd me from Florida. They recently left here and I had missed them at church. Found them on Face Book and they have been so kind to just encourage me and pray for me.

On Saturday I happened to run into another friend from my old church, a young woman who baby sat my boys. She's got children of her own now. I had seen her parents last year around November or December at McDonald's on my lunch hour. She told me Saturday that they had put her mother in the nursing home. She has stage six Alzheimer's. I was so upset when I had seen her last year to discover she had it but she had recognized me immediately and remembered my boys that day. So I had not idea how bad she was. It was heartbreaking when her husband told me. They are such wonderful people and were always so very kind to us. And they loved each other so much. I was sad and prayed for her for days. Now, to hear she doesn't know anyone is just terrible. I was glad I got to see her daughter and talk with her a bit.

So, I guess this weekend when I felt so alone and abandoned, God sent people that I had good memories of to give me a few smiles. And he kept you all writing to me to keep me focused. Thank you all for being my friends. Thank you for your prayers and support.

Vanity of Vanities and Mad Wanderings

The Bible says it is vain to sit up late and rise early. And pretty stupid, too. Well, it doesn't say that, I did. What a dope I am. Fell into an exhausted sleep around 12:30 last night. Up at 6:30 today. Average for me. I woke up once, maybe an hour or so later, because I thought I heard Jerry breathing. I sat straight up in bed. It was terrible. I could only lie back down with my heart pounding and go back to sleep.

Today, I'm just depressed. I have to go buy something tonight to wear in the pool for that physical therapy tomorrow. I didn't want to come to work today. I wanted to lie down and stay in bed for a few more hours. I probably wouldn't have but I wanted to.

I still haven't bought the laptop. I've looked at several and honestly, I like the Toshiba I tried at my sister's house. My nephew and niece both have one. They worked really well. There is one on sale at Office Depot. I may stop by there after work tonight.

I've just called the funeral home and asked for information on grief support groups. Obviously, I've been looking for support from the wrong people. And I know that I need people to talk to about this.

I sorry if people think I'm being petty by not understanding why people react the way they do or don't to me. I simply state my experience here. I don't justify the lack of action or inaction by anyone. It is what it is... or is not. I do not feel responsible for other people's insensitivity or lack compassion, or emotional handicaps. I'm certainly not able at this point to tell other people what the appropriate behavior is in dealing with grief stricken people. If you have a church with that ministry, wonderful. If you have a circle of friends who are "there" for you, I commend you on your choices. I thought I did, too. I've been mistaken before.

So, I will do what I have always done in every difficult situation in my life. I will take care of it myself. Do I sound angry? Maybe this is the anger phase. I sat home last night and realized how very alone I am. Only when crisis comes do we learn who we are and who actually cares about us. I have wonderful family. We are good people. Not perfect, but we love so clearly. Brothers who call to check on me. Sisters who call. Aunt, uncle,cousins.

I also have a friend at work who keeps tabs on me there. Her son died in September and I went to her home and took food and went the the funeral home and went to lunch with her and let her talk. Long before I needed the same favor. But she has done the same at work for me. Her husband has a serious heart condition and when he had a massive heart attack, I went to the hospital and sat with her for several hours. See, that isn't hard when you care for people. And it didn't inconvenience me.

But I'm hurt but the lack of Christians who think so little of me that they can't be bothered to just call me to say I love, care, appreciate, or am concerned about you. I drive 15 miles one way to church. That isn't far by city standards but when there are at least 5 other churches of my faith within five miles of my home, I think it says something about me. And when the church can't make a call to let those in need know someone is praying, concerned, or just interested in their welfare, that says something about them.

I just wrote four of the following paragraphs in an email to someone who was talking about the different ways people react to the loss of a spouse. It is true that no two people will behave the same way in a given situation.

"Losing a spouse is something I can't begin to describe to anyone. The trauma of losing your spouse is beyond what I could imagine. I lost my Mama when I was 17 and I remember crying for three weeks before she died because I was terrified of losing her. (remember the dream?) Jerry sat with me on dates and let me cry. We married a week after her death and he was there to get me through the worst of it. I thought that event was the worst thing that ever happened to me. It wasn't. I thought losing my first child was a horrible thing. I was in a severe depression for three months and considered killing myself. It was terrible but it doesn't compare to this. This literally shatters your life into a million fragments which you have to gather up and put back together. But you can't because some pieces are missing.

How well each person handles that damage can't be predicted. On the outside looking in it may seem that everything is o.k. I told my counselor I was a very good actress. I doubt anyone would know how I'm doing by looking at me unless they know me very well. Most of the time, I hold the facade together.

I see dozens of people a week and I can't just fall apart when the stress is high or when a memory slaps me in the face. I have no choice but to maintain my professional facade 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. But as I mentioned, it is exhausting. I've been so tired today that I could hardly get through the day. This is just Monday! I am getting a shower and going to bed as soon as I can.

I suspect that the blow of Mama's death was tempered by Jerry. He held me up, he listened and he was just there. Had that not been the case, I would have fared much worse. She was my best friend and I had no one else to turn to. She was my grandmother and had raised me. My grandfather (Daddy) drank badly. So, my world was literally torn apart with her death. I had no place to go. Jerry kept it together for me.

This time, there is no bonding force, no emotional and moral support, no listening ear, no shoulder to cry on. I'm alone in this. And he was with me even longer than she was. The memories we shared are gone. I can't recover things he remembered that I don't. His perspective of events we both experienced are gone. The smile that said I was beautiful will never greet me again. One can't recover those things and I do not believe you can recover from the loss of them. I may survive, probably will but I will not be who I was. If I say my life is over, it is because it is. Dead and Buried. There is no way to resurrect it."

So, they say rebuild, start over, you're young. Do they really know what 35 years entails? Did I imagine the struggle of learning to live together, compromise, and adjusting to one another philosophies? Building a relationship, laying foundations, establishing a home, a family? Start over? Rebuild? How stupid.

Someone told me that another woman made the following comment, "She's a pretty woman. She'll find someone else." My question to that woman is, "Exactly how much do you love your husband?" Do you even imagine that it is that simple? What makes you think I want another husband?

I don't know where I'm going with this. It started early this morning and is ending at the end of my work day. I think I better stop before I go off the deep end. Pray for me if you do nothing else. I am so thankful for my Multiply friends. You do not know how much. Several of you have sent me PM's today and I thank you. They were much appreciated.

Maybe tomorrow I'll master nice.

When Does It Become Easy

I do wish it would bet easier to go to church. I don't want to go. I have a terrible time getting myself to go. Today, I thought it would be a bit better. I could not get Mike up to go with me and it is a bit better if I don't go along. Although he won't sit with me. He sits in the back. But Becca called and asked if she and Sarah could go with me as David had some kind of stomach upset and couldn't go.

Once there, it was just terrible. I can't think why I thought it would be easier today with someone there. I managed to worship a bit but I can't handle the intensity of the emotions because I feel as if I shall explode in a million pieces. I can't let myself feel or I will end up being carried out.

We were a bit late getting there and so no one spoke to us and as soon as the preaching was over we left. I just didn't want, at that point, to have to say "I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine."

How am I? I'm a mess. What do you think! That is what I want to say but people mean well. You can't insult people if they bother to ask about you. I've found that most people don't like widows. I know they don't because no one will talk to you. They avoid you like the plague in case you start sobbing insanely or fall into a faint. Some people used to come over and shake my hand and say hello. Now, nada for the most part. They don't know what to say so they say nothing and they look the other way. Someone ask me if anyone calls me. I told them no, just my family. They didn't understand that. People are just so stupid. Present company excepted. Did I ever tell you I have no tolerance for stupid?

I manage to cope at work because I'm so busy I don't really have time to think and if I do, I find a way to stop it. But I still have to come home to this empty house. Where I have to find ways to not think.

And the tiredness is another thing. I can't do anything. I'm just plain tired. Exhausted really. I need to do a lot of things around the house but I just find that I have no energy to even move from my chair. I get spurts of energy that allow me to wash dishes or put away a few clothes but it is not unusual to see a week of clean laundry sitting in the basket. I did put it away yesterday, by the way.

Now, I' going to shower. I need to just lie down I think. Maybe I'll go to sleep. I'm missed Jerry all weekend long and I'm really just worn out.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

I had a few comments on my last post about dreaming. Some have generated thoughts that I wanted to mention. Whatever your belief is, and I don't disrespect them at all, there is strong evidence among those who have dreams that they can be prophetic. Stories go back beyond modern times. I am a believer by default. I've had dreams and they happened. You don't have to believe me. I didn't ask for them and wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. But whatever else I know, I know that dreams, sometimes, are predictive or prophetic.

I also know that equally, some dreams are nothing but our over exerted minds. At other times, they are our brains way of working out problems. Ever hear the expression, "I'll sleep on it"? That did not come about by accident and it is a very old expression. The mind never sleeps. It is constantly working to make sense of all the information it has been bombarded with all day.

I used to sew everything my family wore. There were many times when I had a troublesome item that needed a special solution. If I couldn't figure it out, I'd put it aside. When I went to bed that night, I would do a little trick. I'd tell myself that I was going to dream of the solution. It never failed. I learned that trick over time and I used it to very good effect in college. Always before a test, after I had studied and when I went to be at night, I would repeat that I knew the material, I would remember it the moment they gave me the test. I've taught others to use this technique and it does work. Your mind is powerful and I suspect the unconscious mind is more powerful than the conscious mind, with all its barriers and inhibitions.

May father told me once that he could control his dreams. I questioned him on this. He told me that he loved skydiving and hated falling dreams. If he had a dream of falling he had taught himself to change the dream and instead of falling, he was flying. I too hate falling dreams and so after he told me that, the next time I had a falling dream, I tried it. And it worked. That is called lucid dreaming and there have been studies to show that we can manipulate some of our dreams. After all, it is our mind.

As for predictive dreams, there are many people, thousands or more, who will tell you they have dreamed of events prior to their happening. We aren't psychics. We are generally average people. I do not understand what purpose it serves because usually people don't believe you anyway. Would anyone of you have believed me if I had told you that I dreamed of my grandmother dying that it was going to happen? No. You would have laughed or reassured me. But it did happen. Two weeks after the dream.

I dreamed what my oldest son looked like before he was born. I didn't even know he was a boy. Coincidence? Maybe. How can I tell? I have a lot of dreams that happen.

My grandmother had premonitions and dreams that happened. She just never talked about it. People think you are crazy, back then, even more so. She never told me about them but I knew she had them. She would say things were going to happen and when asked how she knew, she just looked away and said, "I just know." And they did. Then, we would ask how she knew and she wouldn't tell you. Well, I don't have her fear of being thought crazy. But I have kept this to myself for decades. No one in my family knew this about me until recently, when I told it after Jerry died. My aunt said, "Mama could do that." Mama even knew about her own death. And so did I. I didn't believe either one of us until after the fact.

Do you know how frightening that is? I've had death dreams three times. They all involved family members. I only acted on one of them. That person did not die. I acted because the nature of the dream was unusually and profound and frightened me so much that I acted immediately on waking. The other I missed - one because it was the first one and the other because I simply wasn't expecting it.

To sum up my point here I want to refer you all to the last paragraph in the January 12th post. Gloom, Doom and a Working Day

Saturday Mid-Morning

I got a good night's sleep, thank God. I always do feel better when I get up when I wake up instead of begin dragged out of my bed by a crowing rooster. That is the sound my alarm makes. I don't care how often you hear it, you never get used to it and it never fails to wake you. I actually beat him this morning and have already had my hazelnut coffee. I just went and turned off the alarm.

I was wakened by a strange dream and I don't usually remember them. I used to, long ago, remember my dreams and write them down. I stopped dreaming years ago when I started having pain problems. I've always believed that was a sign I wasn't getting enough REM sleep. If you don't know about REM sleep you can look it up but basically, lack of REM can make you sick and you can actually die from a lack of it. I suspect it is the culprit in much of my problems.

Anyway, over the last 10 years or so, I only had dreams once in awhile and could rarely remember them. After that cervical block in October I began to dream, crazy dreams. I promptly forgot most of them when I got up. This morning, I woke from a crazy dream and I am writing it down here. Why? Because I am afraid not to.

Last year, when I began to dream a bit more I had a dream about Jerry. I dreamed we were working in our yard and the ground where he stood began to swirl, like a whirlpool. I could see the grass begin to spiral around his feet and the ground appeared to be sinking where he stood. He looked me and but I don't think he asked me to help him. I can't remember that. I believe I tried to get him to come away but the ground had opened and was beginning to draw him down into it, the spiral grew outward until I was forced to back up or be sucked down with him. I frantically looked around for something to help him but couldn't find anything but the water hose. I remember the frustration and fear as I watched as he began to sink. Finally, when only his hands and arms to his elbow were visible I grabbed the water hose and threw it to him. But he couldn't grasp it and the spiraling whirlpool grew and I couldn't go near enough to reach him. I woke up just seeing his hands.

I remember thinking what a crazy dream. I don't know if I told him about it. But I did tell him I was having these crazy dreams since I had the cervical block. Suddenly, I was actually sleeping again and dreaming. It had been so long since I had real dreams that I had lost sight of what my dreams often were in the past. I take it the majority of you can see this dream for what it was. I did not at that time. Only after the Lord reminded me of it weeks ago did I grasp the full impact of it.

This morning I woke from another weird dream. So, I will write it down as best as I can now remember it. Because I don't know if it means something or if it is beans.

I was in a place where a man was brought in on a gurney. He was a big man, not fat as I recall, just big. He had white blond hair and he had been injured in some kind of accident but was alive. I wasn't sure he was at first but I gradually got the impression he was alive. There was a woman nearby but I can't see her face I just know she is distraught. I do not think she is me but who knows. Anyway, they tell her the man's lower face is destroyed and I"m confused because I feel like these are mortuary people and they are going to bury him.

He is covered up but I know he isn't dead. I'm not afraid, by the way, just watching. I don't sense any emotion, just a mild concern for the woman. They wheel him away and I have a sense of time passing.

They bring him back and he is lying slightly on his left side away from the woman. I am standing at the foot of this gurney and I can't see anything but his the side or his face from his eye to his forehead. He has been crying. For some reason he is half uncovered. I can see his slightly bent right leg and arm.

They tell her they have to remove part of his face. Again, I don't feel anything in this dream but a sense of concern for the woman and sadness for this man. At first, I think they will wheel him away again but then, I watch as they take surgical scissors and began to cut the skin away from his face. He begins to cry this terrible cry and his eyes are looking at me. I never really see his lower face at all, only his terribly sad and frightened eyes. I had a sense of something destroyed beyond repair. I woke up.

I put this out there so, oh, I don't know. I didn't write down my dream about Jerry as I should have. Maybe I would have seen something. I didn't see it for what it was because of my own condition. I'll never know the truth.

Now, for those unfamiliar such things, you must realize not all dreamer dreams mean something. For me, some dreams actually happen and they are not usually good things. I'm some sort of special dreamer. But I haven't had dreams like that in many years. I've prayed repeatedly NOT to have them. I got sick with this pain issue and stopped sleeping well and my dreams were impacted. I didn't dream at all that I could remember. {sigh} I know, my prayers were answered. I just realized that writing the preceding statement.

Anyway, you don't want to have dreams where you are told people are going to die or or injured, or about their personal problems. Particularly when you can't tell the difference. I don't know the difference in a dream like that and indigestion dreams. I don't know when a premonition is imagination or warning. It is why I kept asking not to dream those kinds of dreams. If I can't recognize it and I can't change it or fix it, then is serves no purpose and is useless to me and anyone else involved. I've done this as long as I can remember. At least since I was 17.

So, there. Now you know just how strange things are for me. I feel like I should just stop running and let it overtake me. I do not know what I am supposed to do with such things if I can't tell what is real and what is imaginary.

I stopped to take a call from my aunt for a while and finally got of the phone so I could finish this. I'm going now and get dressed and get busy. I have things I must do.

Long Week Ends

A very long, depressing and stressful week has ended and not a moment too soon for me. I am no into Saturday morning and about to go to bed. I've struggled with depression and despair all week while trying to catch up at work from a week off. I'm tired but now don't know if I can sleep. I hate going to bed until I am exhausted.

But I am going. I wanted t tell you all I am trying to get around to everyone's blogs but it isn't always easy. I have to keep my mind occupied with really stupidly trivial things. Games and puzzles, chats with online friends, anything distracting. I just can't concentrate on anything deep or heavy.

Today I plan on just doing whatever I want with no pressure. No running all over the world either.

So, good night all.

Gloom, Despair, and Darkness

It is a cloudy day. I think it rained during the night. It was very cold last night for this time of year. A cold front blew in and I imagine that is where the rain came in. Today the sky is overcast and dreary and it is very cool.

I really am in trouble I think. I can't get a handle on this encrouching darkness. Don't say pray about it. I can't pray. When I try I simply fall apart and manage to say "Please help me, God" over and over but that's about all I can manage. I'm taking the St. John's Wort. That will take time to get in my system, as any other medicine. But I am not coping with it at all. I don't really know how. I don't know what to do or where to go or who to talk to or what to say.

I told my aunt that I understood what Hell is. She said, "Well, I know I don't want to go there." I told her I was living there already. Imagine every thing you ever did wrong, every mistake you made, every unkindness, selfishness, meaness, and negative behavior you have ever had rolled over and over in your mind, every day forever. And you can't stop it. You can't fix it. You can't undo it. You can't change it. It can't ever be made right. And you desperately want to fix it. You want to make it right. You want to undo, change, stop it. And you can't. That is Hell. And I live there.

I'm isolated for the most part. I have my children and when they are around, I'm better. But they have to go home. And sometimes I need them to go. I have to have quiet at times, too. My family out of town calls whenever they can. I come to work but the stresses of work are not helping. They are increasing the stress level. I can't take off. I'm already behind from my trip home and that in itself is a stressor.

I realized last night that I have no friends at all here. Not really. My co-workers are all very kind. My boss has really been very. . . well, he's been so good to me about my work and my time.

I haven't been to church in three weeks, I think. It is very hard to go and see the place where I expect to see my husband standing every service and know he is not coming back. My pastor has called each week after I missed on Sunday. He is a very kind. I'm sure my loss reminds him very much of his own.

If it were not for the people on my Multiply contact list, I don't know who I would have any contact with outside of work and my family. Some of you have gone out of your way to try and support me with your notes and email. Some of you chat with me whenever possible. I've found myself online more because of that. Any port in a storm, as they say. I don't want to appear needy but if some of you had not been there things would really be unbearable at home.

Someone sent books on grief that, after reading the first one, I think are very good. They are very short books and don't require a lot of time to read. My friend Reite has received them and she has a write up on her blog from yesterday about the first one. Her mother died just after Jerry did. I started the second one last night but it was very late and I was so depressed I couldn't handle it. Thank you, my sweet friend. I think I know who you are but will respect your desire for anonimity. They're very good books, really. If I can come to grips with things, they probably will be the reason.

I do not think I will go back to church. I've been contemplating that for a couple of days. There are other churches I know nearby and I may visit a few others. I don't know. I do pray about these things and do not make hasty decisions about such things.

I don't know that any of this matters really. At least, I wrote it down instead of bottling it up. I can't very well fall apart at work. I see the counselor tomorrow but I don't really want to see him anymore. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't help. And I just don't care.

The whole idea behind journaling is to say what is in your mind and heart. As I understand it, in the grief process, this is beneficial. I haven't found it terribly so but it does make you feel the way you feel after you've thrown up. Since that's totally gross I'll leave it at that.